Hooters Flat Busted!

The Las Vegas Hooters Resort and Casino ha filed for bankruptcy protection, citing over $162 million in debts. Analysts asked how a casino/hotel full of Hooters Girls coupld possibly loose money in Vegas, but debt holders say that Hooters kept raising it’s executives’ pay, including a 61% raise to over, $307,000, not counting bonuses, for their CFO even as the resort neared bankruptcy. 

- Question:  Isn’t working at the CFO at Hooter’s a “bonus” in and of itself? 

- Hooters vows it will pay back all of it’s creditors eventually, but it will all be in one dollar bills. 

- They just didn’t make as much on the slut, I mean, SLOT machines as they thought. 

Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures...

ABC confirmed that the uncoming 8th season of “Desperate Housewives” will be it’s last.  Creator Marc Cherry said he’s “very aware of people overstaying their welcome,” and he didn’t want that to happen to the ladies of Wisteria Lane.  He also shot down rumors of any spin-offs, saying he doesn’t want to repeat himself.  

- Then, just to clairfy, he added, “I don’t want to repeat myself”. 

- It was orginally planned for Charlie Sheen to join the show for a proposed 9th Season, but execs realized that nobody would believe the housewives were that desperate.

Stick A Fork In Him...

Another spoiler has leaded from the seaon premiere of “Two and a Half Men”.  According to TMZ.com, creator Chuck Lorre really got his revege on Charlie Sheen through his character “Charlie Harper”.  When last seen, Charlie was flying to Paris with his stalker girlfriend Rose.  She reportedly returns to the show to reveal that the two married, then the next day she caught him in the shower with another woman, and then, while waiting for a subway he somehow “slipped” and fell in front of the train, resulting in a “meat explosion”.  

- I’m not surprised.  Charlie Sheen has been a train-wreck for years! 

- True to character, Charlie allegedly hit on a female EMS worker before kicking the bucket. 

- At the last second, he reported converted to Islam so he could get his hands on those 72 virgins.

We Still Love Lucy!

Saturday, Lucille Ball’s hometown of Jamestown, New York, celebrated what wouldn’ve been her 100th birthday by setting a new world record for the most people dresed as Lucy Ricardo at one time.  There were 915 men and women dressed in upswept red hair, red lipstick and 1950’s dresses.  

- They called it the great “Ba-Ba-Loo-cy!”

- One woman was shocked when she saw a picture of her husband decked out in Lucy drag in the local paper… sayin’ “Somebody’s got some splainin’ to do!”  

BONUS PHOTO:  Purtan’s People portray Lucy, Ricky, Fred & Ethel in one of our calendars for Children’s Hospital! 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here on Tuesday! 

-Dicky Ricardo

Podcast #3

It’s Friday… and time for our 3rd weekly Podcast! Today I welcome back Big Al as we discuss everything from the Financial meltdown to the emotional meltdown that I’m about to have following the “Return of the Woodpecker”… Yes, he has returned! Hear it all… and lots more… by simply clicking on the link below!

Podcast for August 5, 2011  (15 min, 18 sec.) 

 

All Photos Courtesy of Jill Purtan

Podcast for Aug. 5, 2011

Born In Hawaii. Turns 5-0!

President Obama turns the big 5-0 today, and he celebrated last night in Chicago with a star-studded political fundraising dinner.  Jennifer Hudson and Herbie Hancock entertained at the party which cost $38,500 a plate. Critics slammed it as insensitive at a time when the economy is stalling and many Americans are desperate for jobs.  But the White House says the Prez isn’t ignoring that: he plans to leave later this month for a bus tour of the Midwest to promote jobs. 

- Obama says this will give one unemployed bus driver a job!

- It’s tough to blow out fifty candles… then again he’s a politician. He’s got more than enough hot air to get the job done. 

- Why ask cash-strapped Amerians to donate to his re-election campaign?  Why not just borrow the money from China? 

- They say the party was quite raucus and “raised the roof”. Which makes this the second ceiling Obama has raised in less than a week!  

- Oprah showed up and gave him a very special Birthday present… A Second Term! 

When Push Came To Shove... She Finished The Test!

AboveTheLaw.com reports that an extremely pregnant Northwestern law student was taking the final three-hour session of the Illinois bar exam when she went into labor.  But despite contractions coming ever 15 minutes, she calmly finished the exam before going to the hospital and giving birth to a healthy baby just two hours later. 

- Sounds to me like she pulled an “all-nighter” about nine months before the exam! 

 - She knew what to do because of all those “Law-maze” classes she’d taken! 

- After this experience, she’s decided she wants to become a labor lawyer.  

Woman Cries "Uncle"!

An Oklahoma woman named Maria Cooper told ABC that her late uncle was the infamous D.B. Cooper, who parachuted from a plane over the Pacific Northwest 1n1971 with $200,000 in skyjack ransom money and was never seen again. Maria says she remembers her uncle admitting he’d hijacked a plane when he showed up at their Ohio home days later looking bruised and battered.  Although she was only 8, she says her uncle Lynn Doyle Cooper (known as “L.D. Cooper” to her family) said he lost most of the money in the jump.  Then she said he sort of disappeared. She believes he died in 1999.  

- Not to question her credibility, but she also added that her Grandfather kidnapped the Lindberg baby and that she knows where Jimmy Hoffa is.  

- True or not, it does make me miss the good old days when all we had to worry about was a guy demanding money and jumping out of a plane without hurting anybody on board!  

- To honor L.D.’s final wishes, the family had him creamated, strapped a parachute to the urn and pushed him out the door of a moving plane over the Pacific Northwest.  

His Push-Up Bra Collection Is Equally As Impressive...

An off-duty cop in Florida saw a pair of pink women’s panties with the tag still attached hanging out of the pocket of 57-year-old Benjamin Gilbert Kennedy at a store and reported him. Kennedy struggled with the cops and gave a bunch of fake names before they finally managed to search him and find that he had a polo shirt and 25 pairs of panties shoved inside his shorts and the girdle he was wearing.  

- You should have heard the thong and dance his lawyer gave the judge!

- You have to admit, it takes a real man to wear pink… panties. 

- He said he stole the polo shirt because the panties were pretty revealing and he likes to leave a little something to the imagination.

Hugh Hefner: Back From The Dead?

Some of Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends talked him into trying the new Internet fad of “planking” by posing for a photo lying flat on his face on the Playboy Mansion dining table. But after they Tweeted the photo, they had to reassure worried followers that it wasn’t a photo of Hef’s dead body.  

- Call me crazy, but hasn’t Hef made a whole career out of “planking”? 

- They had to wait 36 hours to get the Cialis out of his system so he could lie face down. 

- His girlfriends tried it first, but their implants kept bouncing off the table! 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1966, John Lennon made his ill-fated remark about the Beatles being bigger than Jesus, which led to churches holding mass burnings of Beatles records.  

- Ironically that same year I burned every copy of “My Baby Does The Hanky Panky”.

RIP...

Michigan State All-American and NFL Hall of Famer Bubba Smith dead at the age of 66.  

Have a great day and we’ll see your right back here Friday for our 3rd Podcast!

-Dick

"It's A Bird... It's A Plane... It's Super Congress!"

Tuesday, the Senate passed the debt limit bill.  It calls for a bipartisan committee of legislators from both Houses who will decide what $1.2 Trillion to cut from the budget.  This will give those lawmakers such unprecedented power that there are already fights over who will be on the committee.  Some are referring to it as the “Super Congress”. 

- I don’t think most Americans believe there is anything “Super” about Congress.  

- By the time they finish arguing over who gets to be on the committee, we’ll have reached the new debt ceiling anyway.   

- The head of the “Super Congress” will not only have a gavel, but wear tights, a flowing cape and a decoder ring. 

- If they actually come to an agreement on cuts, the whole country will experience “Shock and Awe”.

Happiness Is A Warm Cookie!

There may be a scientific reason why people eat cookies when they’re depressed: fatty foods make us happy. The National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases gave subjects an injection, then played sad music and showed them sad photos.  Those who got an injection of saturated fat stayed happier than those who got saline.  The bottom line: Fatty acids appear to comfort people’s psyches and make them less vulnerable to sadness.  

- If you eat enough saturated fat your “bottom line” will start looking like Kim Kardashian’s! 

- There aren’t enough cookies in the world to keep “Big Al” from being sad when he watches “Titanic”.  

- Now we know why McDonald’s Happy Meals make kids so darn happy! 

Tooth Fairy Falls On Hard Times.

Here’s another indicator that the economy is in trouble:  the Tooth Fairy is hurting for money.  A phone survey of 1,006 parents by Visa found that the average amount of money left under the pillow for a tooth has dropped from $3 to $2.60 in the last year alone.  One mom said if you have multiple kids losing multiple teeth in a year, the recession can really effect the Tooth Fairy. 

- Apparently this was the first decision on spending cuts by the new “Super Congress”.   

- This gives new meaning to the expression “Money is the ‘root’ of all evil”. 

- In a related story, Santa Claus has reportedly laid off 200 elves, and the Easter Bunny has let go nearly half of his Jelly Bean Counters.  

"He Looks Like He's Just Sleeping..."

Deadline.com reports that the super-secret script of the season premiere of “Two And A Half Men” has been leaked, and Charlie Sheen’s character does indeed die.  The episode allegedly features celebrities coming to look at his home for sale, and all Charlie’s ex-girlfriends returning for his funeral.  Two anonymous staffers said the show’s creator Chuck Lorre (who is being sued by Sheen for firing him) got a “big vicarious thrill” out of writing it because it was the next best thing to killing Charlie for real.  

- Instead of flowers, the characters will all lay bricks of cocaine on his casket. 

- The service will end with a stirring rendition of Charlie’s favorite hymn, “Nearer My Goddesses To Thee”. 

- Eight “adult” actresses will serve as the porn-bearers… I mean Pall-bearers. 

- With this plot, I’m sure CBS will be “Winning!” in the ratings. 

Oprah's Gonna OWN An Oscar!

The Motion Picture Academy announced that at next year’s Oscars, the Jean Hersholdt Humanitarian Award will go to Oprah Winfrey. 

- For her single-handed efforts to keep Gayle King employed.  

- I just hope they don’t ask David Letterman to host the show again.  I couldn’t handle another “Oprah… Uma.  Uma… Oprah” moment. 

- Oprah’s going to surprise everyone in the audience by giving them their very own “Best Actor” Oscar! 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1492, Columbus set sail from Spain on a Voyage to India that would instead bring him to America. 

- If he had found India instead of America, today we’d all be advising the people in India with their computer problems! 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Attention Ladies: Kwame's Back On The Streets!

If you woke up this morning with a smile on your face and you’re not sure why… I think I’ve got the answer: Kwame’s outta jail!  Yes, at 6:15ish this morning the one and only Kwaminator strolled out of the Hooscow in Jackson and stepped into a waiting SUV.  He was whisked off to the Federal building downtown for some formalities and then dissappeared.  He has 24 hours to get his butt down to Texas to check in with his parole officer.  In the days leading up to his getting sprung, he tweeted about missing his sons, looking forward to Carlita’s great cooking and that God has big plans for him.  

- Not as big as the Feds’ plans for him… but still, pretty big. 

- As he left the prison, Kwame reportedly shouted, “Free at last! Free at last! God almighty, I’m free to sext women, take bribes, and throw more “non-existent” parties  at last!”

If You Don't Like The Sandwich... Wait Til You Try The Soup!

Last night, the House passed the debt limit deal, and the Senate is set to vote at noon today.  Still, neither side is happy.  Some Democrats are furious saying it calls for draconian spending cuts with no tax increases. Missouri Congressman Emanuel Cleaver called it a “Satan Sandwich”. 

- I always thought a “Satan Sandwich” was what you made with Deviled Ham. 

- Cleaver is being such a baby he says he won’t eat the “Satan Sandwich” unless someone cuts the crust off first.