If You Don't Have Anything Nice To Say...

While the politicians are unhappy with the budget deal, Americans are unhappy with the way it was hammered out.  A Washington Post/Pew poll asked people to choose one word to describe the negotiations they’ve been watching for the past few weeks.  Only 2% chose a positive word. The top 27 words were all negative.  The #1 word chosen was “ridiculous,” with “disgusting, “stupid,” “frustrating,” “poor,” “terrible,” “disappointing,” “childish,” “messy,” and “joke” rounding out the top ten. 

- But enough about critiques of this website…

- Politicians immediately countered that it was a “ridiculous, disgusting, stupid, frustrating, poor, terrible, disappointing, childish, messy joke of a poll!”

- So I guess we can rule out Congress and the Senate getting too many “Likes’ on their official facebook fan pages today.  

- My teacher used those exact words to describe my behavior to my mother during my 3rd grade Parent-Teacher Conference! 

Wait Until You Hear About Her "Baker's Dozen"!

29-year-old Dunking Donuts employee Melissa Redmond of New York is facing prostitution charges after police got a tip that she was taking breaks during her overnight shift to sell sexual services.  An undercover cop said she would go out to the parking lot and offer men in cars a variety of things from her “special menu”.  Police called their six-week sting operation “extra sugar”. 

- How is it possible that it took six weeks for the cops to figure this out?  There were probably five or six of them there at the donut shop during her shift everynight! 

- I’ve seen her mugshot… she has this “glazed” look in her eye. 

- What ever happened to dunkin your donut in coffee?  

- Her lawyer is fighting jail time saying it would constitute “Crueller Unusual Punishment”. 

- When she asked if you’d be interested in trying her honey-buns, she wasn’t kidding! 

- At first police thought she was also dealing coke, but it turned out it was just powdered sugar.

Do Not Try This At Home! (Or Anywhere Else For That Matter)

A study by Georgetown University School of Medicine found that the trendy colon cleansing offered by spas and clinics has no significant health benefits and could have side effects including vomiting, kidney failure and even death.  The so called “colonic irrigation” is done with laxatives, teas, powders and enemas and some celebrities have endorsed it.  But the head researcher says there’s no evidence it does anything constructive for our bodies. 

- In other words, it’s just a bunch of B.S. 

- Big Al once experienced “colonic irrigation” accidentally when he started to fall while waterskiing and forgot to let go of the rope.  (He says trust him on this one… always let go of the rope!) 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1776, 50 members of the Continental Congress in Philadelphia officially signed the Declaration of Independence, which told the King of England that they were forming their own nation because he was oppressive and overtaxing.  

- It took so long to get it signed because they had to wait for the Tea Party participants to ride in from Boston.    

Have a great day and don’t forget that you only have until midnight tonight to nominate your favorite local charity in the Suburban Collection’s “Great Charity Giveaway”! There’s a total of $25,000 up for grabs! Just click on one of their ads on this website for info! But hurry! Nominations must be in today!

See you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

End Of World Averted!

It looks like the world might not be ending tomorrow after all.  Last night, President Obama and Congressional leaders agreed on a budget deal with just one day before the so-called default deadline. The vote will be held today and while neither side seems happy with it, both got some things they wanted…

For instance… Obama got his longterm extension of the debt ceiling, allowing the U.S. to borrow up to $2.1 trill more, which should get him past the next election.

- He’ll use the majority of that money for button campaign buttons reading:  “Can We Borrow More Money?  Yes We Can!”

- He’s still sticking to “Change You Can Believe In”… and $2.1 Trillion is a whole lotta change.

Meanwhile Republicans got $2.4 trillion in deficit reduction.  That’s less than they wanted, but it was all spending cuts, and eliminated the tax hikes the Dems wanted.

- Including the one to buy Obama a new teleprompter.  

- The first spending cut:  Nancy Pelosi and Barney Frank will now share the same handbag.  

Remember The Good Old Days When Only Bill Clinton Was Tweeting In The White House?

Also on Friday, the White House sent out 118 Twitter Tweets urging followers to nag the house Republicans.  It became so annoying, over 40,000 people “unfollowed” Obama. 

- Criminals have already started overloading  the FBI with annoying Twitter tweets so they will “unfollow” them!  

"I Like You, You Like Me... We're A Happy Family!"

A top professor at Oxford says that Facebook and Twitter re-wiring people’s brains to create a generation of child-like adults who are so self-obsessed, they need constant positive feedback.  She added that all the appeals to people to “Like” and comment on every post are making adults act like toddlers who demand attention by saying, “Look what I did Mommy!” - even if it’s as simple as eating breakfast. 

- I know the feeling… I put up a post this weekend about “Spongebob Squarepants” and only two people left comments.  

- The only group people don’t feel a need to hit the “Like” button on, is their Congressman’s page.  

Kwame Hours Away From Trading "Cell" For "Cell Phone"...

Kwame Kilpatrick gets sprung from the Hooscow early tomorrow morning and will have 24 hours to report to his new parole officer in Texas.  Part of his early release stipulates that he “actively look for work” and insiders believe that in addition to promoting  his new memoir, the Kwaminator will do motivational speaking. 

- And with $800,000 in cash he still owes in restitution, he’s got plenty of “motivation” to speak. 

- Kwame says the first thing he wants to do when he gets back to his family in Texas is play ball with his kids.  Carlita has volunteered to be the first one “at bat”. 

- Word has it he spent hours in the prison yard lifting weights with his thumbs so he’ll be able to get back to sexting right away! 

66 Is The New 36... D???

LA Fitness polled 2000 people in Great Britain to choose their “Body of the Year” winners.  The poll asked which celebrity had the best body, regardles of age.  David Beckham topped the men’s list, followed by Daniel Craig.  But the #1 female body winner was 66-year-old Dame Helen Mirren.  She beat out Elle MacPherson, Jennifer Lopez and (gasp) Pippa Middleton. 

- Jennifer Lopez was mad… but Pippa Middleton decided to turn the other cheek. 

- Headlines in Britain read:  “Mirren, Mirren on the wall… You’re the fairest of them all!”

- David Beckhams wife Victoria didn’t make the “best body” list, but came in right behind King Tut in the “Best Skeleton” poll. 

Today's Almanac

On this date in 1877, the song “Chopsticks” was composed. 

- As a kid I took piano lessons for two-and-a- half years,  and to this day it’s the only song I can play on the piano.  

Also on this day in 1950, Jasper, Indiana, instituted the first garbage collecting service in America. 

- Prior to that, people just threw their garbage in the neighbor’s yard.  

Have a great day and remember… tomorrow, Tuesday, is the last day for you to submit your favorite local charity for their chance to win a share of $25,000 in the Suburban Collection’s “Great Charity Giveaway”!  Just click on any of their ads on this website for more info!

Good luck and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

From Birthdays to Woodpeckers... It's All In Our 2nd Podcast!

It’s Friday… and that means it’s time for our second-ever Podcast!  Just click on the link below to find out what I’ve been up to this week.  BTW… for those of you who mentioned wanting to have something to “look at” while you’re listening, we’re working on that and will have something up soon.  For now, you’ll have to settle for this picture of Pippa’s “Rear Royale” - which I thought in these troubled times is a pleasant thing to look at!

From Birthdays to Woodpeckers…  10:56

From Birthdays to Woodpeckers...

Poll Dancing?

The continuing battle over the debt ceiling is taking a toll on the approval ratings of incumbents in both parties.  A new harris Poll found that if the election were held today, President Obama would lose to either Rudy Giuliani or Mitt Romney while an Obama-Ron Paul Race would be a dead heat.  

- A similar poll found that an Obama-Mrs. Paul race would be a landslide because although they don’t know her policies, Americans really like her fish sticks!

The Harris Poll also found that Michigan’s Thaddeus McCotter, from the 11th District representing western Wayne and Oakland counties, who is completely unknown to 92% of Americans would still draw 43% of the vote against the Prez.  

NOTE: After the first Republican debate, they’ll know who Thaddeus McCotter is because he’s incredibly smart, a terrific speaker, and has a great sense of humor!  I may be a little biased here because he commemorated my retirement from radio on floor of the U.S. House of Representatives!

Briton's Hit Bottom Over Pippa!

Pippa Middleton’s derierre drew a lot of attention in that white, skin-tight maid-of-honor dress she wore to her sister Kate’s wedding to Prince William… and now it’s actually changing the “face” of plastic surgery, so to speak. Plastic surgeons say while breast implants used to be the rage, now it’s all about the behind.  And while some women don’t want to go as far as getting a Kim Kardashian butt, they are lining up to go under the knife to get a replica of Pippa’s posterior. 

- I remember a similar trend happened here in Detroit when Kwame’s Dad married Carolyn “Cheeks” Kilpatrick.

- When Kate heard the news she reportedly sighed and said, “It’s always the bridesmaid… never the bride!”

- Prince Charlie’s marriage to long-time love Camilla sparked a wave of “re-shoeing”. 

Subject Grilled After Sausage Attack...

Police in Iowa have charged a woman, Tajuana Banks, with assault with a bratwurst.  Connie Jones said Banks regularly visits her home and tries to start fights.  This time, when Jones refused to fight, she claims Banks began spewing expletives, picked up a nearby bratwurst and hurled it at her chest.  Police documented grease stains on Jones cloths and noted that Banks said she’d do it again if given the opportunity. 

- Passersby were heard yelling, “Hey… is that a Johnsonville Brat?”

- Keith Olbermann has proclaimed Banks… “The Wurst Person In The World!”

- Prosecutors believe it will be an open and shut casing, uh, case.  

Why "Happy Meals" Need Prozac...

McDonald’s has caved to pressure from health activists who are trying to ban Happy Meals and has agreed to revamp them.  Starting in September, the French fry portions in Happy Meals will be cut by MORE THAN HALF, and the missing fries will be replaced with apple slices with no dressing or dipping sauce!  That will bring the calorie count down to 600.  The good news?  There will still be a toy! 

- An edible toy made out of fried potato strips called “Captain French Fry”!

- Soon kids will be having their birthday parties at “Chuck E. Low-Fat Reduced-Sodium, Cheese”!  

- The toy will be a gun which will be useful to steal more fries from the guy at the next table.  

Alex Trebek In Jeopardy?

“Jeopardy” host Alex Trebek appeared on crutches Wednesday to host the National Geographic World Championship in California.  He snapped his Achilles tendon on one leg, and injured the other while falling down as he was chasing a burglar who’d stolen cash and jewelry from his hotel room. Police have arrested 56-year-old Lucinda Moyers on suspicion of burglary.  

- During his recovery, game show execs have decided to have him fill-in for Pat Sajak on a special edition of “Wheel of Mis-Fortune”. 

- I hope the suspect is convicted the first time… otherwise, “Double Jeopardy” could apply. 

- Trebek admitted that she was a polite burglar… saying, “I’ll take Jewelry and $2000, Alex”.  

- In a rare move, members of the jury will listen to the Jeopardy theme song while writing down their verdicts. 

Today's Almanac

On this date in 1866, the metric system became a legal measurement system in the U.S. 

- Which gave rise to the well-known expression “Give him a centimeter… and he’ll take a kilometer!”

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow for our 2nd Podcast!  Hope you’ll tune in!

-Dick

"The Check's In The Mail... I Promise!!!"

As both R and D Congressional leaders scramble to come up with a passable plan on the debt ceiling, there are reports that President Obama is talking out of both sides of his mouth.  Some media outlets are reporting that while the Prez is warning the public of the economic Armageddon that might ensue if the debt limit isn’t raised by next Tuesday, his staffers were quietly assuring major banks that the US won’t default on it’s debts and has enough money to keep paying it’s bills for weeks beyond that. 

- There are reports that when debt collectors call the White House, the Prez changes his voice and tells them “I’m sorry.  The Obama’s don’t live here anymore.”

- Things are so bad, Canada won’t even loan us a cup of Sugar! 

- Why don’t they just call one of those debt consolidation guys who advertise on TV!  They can consolidate our trillion dollar deficit into one low, easy monthly payment!  

Breaking News! Men & Women Think Differently!

A poll of 70,000 people by AskMen.com and Comso magazine found that men and women have very different values when it comes to partners.  Among the findings:  39% of men think family is the ultimate status symbol, while 41% of women chose a beautiful house and 25% said it was a successful partner.  

- Just look at Arnold Schwartzenegger… He values family so much, he has TWO of them! 

On the romantic side: 51% of men wish they were better endowed, while only 18% of women wished their mate was, more, uh, “enhanced”.  Also, nearly half of men said they would dump their partner if she gained weight, while only 20% of women would do that.  And two-thirds of men have fantasized about their partner’s friends, while only 1/3 of women have done that. 

- Maybe the men are simply misinterpreting that whole “Friends… With Benefits” thing! 

- So size does matter!  To men!  

- Basically men wish they were “bigger” and their wives were “smaller”.  

The South Shall Rise Again... But Not These Guys!

The AP reports that under a tax passed in 1903, Alabama residents are still paying an extra portion of property tax to support Confederate War veterans - even though the last one died in the 1930’s.  $400,000 of the tax money goes towards the upkeep of Confederate Memorial Park. 

- I hope they don’t close the park before this summer’s 146th annual production of “Damn Yankees”!

- So apparently the South not only won’t admit it lost the Civil War, it won’t admit that the guys who fought in it are dead. 

- I think the tax money they collect should go to dead people in Chicago… at least they still vote!