The Skinny On A Happy Marriage...

University of Tennessee researchers followed the body mass indexes of 169 newlywed couples for four years to see how weight affects your marriage.  They found that men were happier after four years if their wives were skinnier than them, as were the women.  And the women were significantly happier than women who were fatter or as fat as their husbands.  They say the message is:  a woman can be happy at any size - as long as she’s smaller than her husband.  

- So size DOES matter.  It’s just not THAT size…

- The study was funded by Budweiser, Doritos and the NFL. 

- If this is true, Kirstie Alley isn’t going to be happy until she starts dating William “The Refrigerator” Perry.

- So guys, if your wife asks you if those jeans make her butt look big, the proper response is “Not as big as mine!”

Superman Says So Long To Underpants & Lois Lane!

DC Comics is planning a major overhaul of “Superman” to try to make it more relevant to modern readers. The new “Man of Steel” will debut as “Superman 1” in September.  Among the changes:  Lois Lane and Superman are no longer a romantic couple and Lois has a new boyfriend. Also, Superman’s outfit is changing:  it’s now an all-blue bodysuit that no longer includes the famous red briefs he always wore on the outside. 

- The fact that he wore his underwear on the outside of his pants was one of the reasons Lois cited for breaking-up with him. 

- Lois is rumored to be writing a tell-all in which she reveals when it comes to the bedroom, “Superman wasn’t all that super.”

- The good news is that since Superman has x-ray vision, he can still see Lois naked anytime he wants. 

- Also new:  Instead of changing in a phone booth, he’ll now pop into the local Verizon Wirelesss Store. 

- And Clark Kent will no longer report for the “Daily Planet”, he’ll be a “contributor” on Fox News instead.  

- Jimmy Olson will only appear sporadically as he’s in upstate New York on his honeymoon with his new husband!

Harry Potter: A Great Movie To Watch On A "Summer's Eve"???

Harry Potter took in over $481 million worldwide over the weekend, but a lot of children were baffled by an ad that ran before it in many theaters. It showed men from different historical periods including ancient Japanese warriors and Medieval knights, fighting over women. The announcer says what they’re fighting over may be “the most powerful thing on earth”. It then cuts to a modern supermarket where a woman is buying a Summer’s Eve product and the voiceover says,   “So come on, ladies… show it a little love.  Hail to the V!” Many parents were outraged while the kids were just baffled as to what it all meant. 

- If there is a next movie in the series it will be called, “Harry Potter and The Sorceress Who Feels As Fresh As A Spring Morning!”

- So basically, the announcer was doing his own version of “The Vagina Monologues”.  

- Ironically, kids were confused by the ad and their parents were totally confused by the movie. 

- There was a similar controversey when an ad for “Gas-Ex” ran before the first showing of “Gone With The Wind”. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1954, Sun Records released the first single by Elvis Presley, “That’s Alright (Mama)”.  Label owner Sam Philips said he’d searched for years for a singer who was white but sounded black.  

- And if you’ve ever heard Big Al singing as Coleman Young… you know that search continues. 

Have a great day and don’t forget… the deadline to submit your favorite local charity to receive thousands of dollars in The Suburban Collections “Great Charity Giveaway” is right around the corner!  Just click on any one of their ads on this site to enter. Good luck and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Congress Finally Plays Ball!

The 50th annual Congressional Baseball game took place in Washington over the weekend, which the Democrats won 8-2.  The victory was mainly attributed to a freshman Congressman who used to pitch in college.  Michigan’s own Thad McCotter, who is running for the Republican Presidential nomination, got one of only three Republican hits.  

- Anthony Weiner was the honorary bat boy.  

- There wasn’t any money for a chest protector, so they had Nancy Pelosi umpire behind the plate.  When the ball hit her, it kept bouncing back to the pitcher.  

- Instead of the 7th Inning Stretch each team just took off for the summer.  

- Some Congressman didn’t play at all when they heard they weren’t getting their social security checks on August 3rd.  

- After the game, TV reporters interviewed both team managers… and lobbed softball questions at ‘em. 

Excuse Me... I Asked For My Maggots Medium Rare!

Thanks to globe-trotting shows on the Food Network, there’s an “exotic food” trend at state fairs across the country. This summer, they’re serving such delicacies as deep-fried Kool-Aid, maggot sandwiches and fried raccoon.  One fair spokesman said deep-fried exotic foods are the “cool new thing,” and while teenagers used to try to prove their manliness by going on thrill rides or winning carnival games, the new version of that might be, “Watch me eat fried scorpions!”

- What?  No deep-fried watermelon balls?  

- This is why the Michigan State Fair closed down.  They ran out of dead raccoons!

- Call me old-fashioned but I still prefer the roller coaster and throwing balls at the milk bottles. 

"You Can Do It (In Lingerie!)... We Can Help!"

A new website called EyeHandy.com offers a new way to encourage men to do household chores.  If offers instructional videos featuring scantily-clad women demonstrating how to do all sorts of do-it-yourself projects, from changing a tire to waxing a surfboard.  There are 15 videos, and they plan to add a new one each week. In addition to the videos of handy women in lingerie, the site provides a list of all the tools needed to do what you see in the videos.  

- If my dad had one of these videos when I was  kid, today I would be a “Master Handyman”!

A Passenger Puts The "T" In "TSA"...

Businesswoman Yukari Miyamae of Colorado is facing a felony sexual abuse charge after allegedly grabbing and twisting a TSA agent’s breasts at the airport.  Police say she became argumentative after being searched. Miyamae’s friends were shocked; they say she’s a frequent flyer who travels every week, and she must’ve been upset about being singled out for a search.  

- Or maybe she just likes girls! 

- “Grabbing and Twisting”… wasn’t that Frank Constanza’s “move” on Seinfeld?  

From Russia... With A Little Too Much Love!

Viktor Jasinski of Meshchovsk, Russia picked the wrong woman to rob when he pulled a gun on hairdresser Olga Zajac.  She’s a karate blackbelt who knocked him out with one kick and tied him up with a hair dryer cord. He claims she took him to a backroom, stripped him naked, chained him to a radiator with pink fluffy handcuffs, and used him as a sex slave for three days, feeding him nothing but Viagra.  Eventually, she told him, “Get out of my sight,” and let him go. After getting his swollen testicles treated at a hospital, he went to the police, who arrested both of them.  Olga told the cops, “What a bastard.  Yes, we had sex a couple a times, but I bought him new jeans, gave him food and even gave him 1000 Rubles ($45 US) when he left.”  

- All the men in Meshchovsk are saying, “Where can I find a girl like that?” 

- They have unanimously voted her “Hairdresser of the Year”. 

- The Russian Army is now using Olga’s picture on their recruiting posters.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1936, Oscar Meyer unveiled the first Weinermobile.  

- And the very next day, it was stolen by Anthony Weiner’s grandfather.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Tabloid Scandal In Britain... Curling Scandal In Canada: Jacque & Frenchy LePuke Have It Covered!

The scandal over the abrupt shutdown of the “News of the World” Tabloid that has rocked London and all of England continues with the news today that Rebekah Brooks, head of that and other Rupert Murdoch owned papers has resigned.  The resignation comes after revelations that the paper had illegally hacked into phone lines to get information to use in their stories. 

We have no shortage of Tabloids here in the U.S. and we here at dickpurtan.com have learned that a new Tabloid, based here in Detroit, is in the works.  We tapped into their phone lines and found out some of the stories they are working on…

- Casey Anthony Set To Star In New NBC Show:  “Dancing With The Aquitted Murderers!”

- Perky Woman From “Progressive Auto Insurance” TV Ads Secretly Depressed.

- Attorney Sam Bernstein’s “Call Sam” Ad Campaign Cancelled When Source Reveals “He Hates Taking Calls”.  

- Hines Drive Closed Due To Flooding After Local Man Waters Lawn.

- Matel To Introduce Bisexual Barbie:  Plans Three-some at Malibu Beachhouse with Ken and Midge.

- New Survey Reveals That 90% of Those Surveyed Lied On Survey.

- Hallmark Releases New Line Of “Stalker” Cards For Perverts “Who Care Enough To Send The Very Best”. 

- Nancy Pelosi Introduces Bill To Add New Month To Calendar Year… “Obamaber”

- Ohio Woman Claims Fish Oil Supplements Allow Her To Breathe Underwater!

- Ex-Porn Star Pens Children’s Pop-Up Book.

The “News of the World” scandal reminded us of another scandal in the British Commonwealth country of Canada that took place a few years ago. It was covered by our own Jacque and Frenchy LePuke. Relive the drama now…

Curling Scandal Rocks Canada

Have a great weekend and we’ll see you back here Monday! And don’t forget to enter your favorite local charity in The Suburban Collection’s “Great Charity Giveaway”!  Click on any of their ads on this page for details! Remember… there’s $25,000 up for grabs! 

-Dick  

Casey Anthony: This Could Be A Real Name-Changer!

Casey Anthony gets out of jail on Sunday… that’s just three days from now and rumors are circulating that she’s going to change her name to avoid recognition from an angry public. 

- Which will work great since obviously nobody in America has any idea what she looks like! 

- Casey is allegedly considering several different names including:  June Cleaver, Carol Brady and Mother Teresa.

IN SEMI-RELATED NEWS… The hit TV series “Mad Men” received a whopping 19 Emmy nominations this morning.

- I didn’t realize the men on the Casey Anthony Jury were eligible for Emmys!

He Said/She Said...

Wednesday, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor proposed a short-term increase in the debt ceiling to buy more time since Dems and Repubs are deadlocked on spending cuts vs. tax increases with an August 2nd deadline looming.  Obama, who has said he wouldn’t accept a short-term solution allegedly said, “Don’t call my bluff”, abruptly ended the meeting and walked out.  But Nancy Pelosi denied it, saying she’d never seen a President end a meeting more graciously.

- Then she went back to doodling “Mrs. Nancy Obama” and “I Heart Barack” on her notepad.

- She then looked at Eric Cantor after his description of the President’s departure and yelled “You lie!”

- Obama wasn’t really mad, it was just time for his scheduled “Sneak-A-Cigarette” break. 

A Cure For Malaria That Really Stinks!

The Bill Gates Foundation is funding a project to use the smell of stinky socks to prevent malaria. The attraction of mosquitoes to foot odor was discovered by Dutch scientist Dr. Bart Knols, who stood naked in a dark room and examined which part of his body the mosquitoes bit most.  Now a Tanzanian researcher is using a mixture of 8 chemicals that replicates the smell of stinky socks to lure mosquitoes to a trap where they can be poisoned. 

- They call the trap “A Teenage Boys Bedroom”. 

- If the mosquitoes had bitten some other part of the Doctor’s body the most, today we might have a cure for jock itch!  

Credit Where Credit Is Due...

Moody’s investors service, which on Tuesday cut Ireland’s bond rating to junk, warned that it’s watching the stalled debt talks in Washington and is reviewing whether to reduce America’s Triple-A credit rating. 

- America’s got Triple-A?  Hey… we may be broke but at least we’ve got free roadside assistance! 

- Congress is so desparate, some members have actually started corresponding with a nice Nigerian man who keeps sending them e-mails. 

"Got PMS?"

The California Milk Processor Board is under fire for alleged sexism over its latest ad for milk.  Citing a study that suggests that milk eases PMS, the ads encourage suffering men to cope with their hormonally-crazed wives or girlfriends by buying them some milk.  The ads show a man holding a gallon of milk with the headline, “We can both blame myself.”

- When most women heard this story they laughed hysterically… and then started sobbing.  

- Let’s be honest… PMS can make a woman kind of Moo-dy. 

- Women aren’t actually drinking the milk… they’re throwing it at the guys. 

- Men… if you want to make it seem like a romantic gesture, give her chocolate milk. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1789, during the French Revolution, citizens of Paris stormed the Bastille prison and freed the seven prisoners inside.  

- They didn’t really care about the inmates, they were just mad about the government’s plan to raise the retirement age from 62 to 65! 

It Must Be All That Olive Oyl!

Popeye celebrates his 78th Birthday today!  In honor of the occasion, I thought we’d play a bit we did on the air a few years back…  

Popeye’s Big Day 2:16

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Casey Anthony Jury Foreman Says: "They Didn't Have Time..."

I happened to catch the Casey Anthony jury foreman on TV last night and he said they concentrated on the motive and proof of how Caylee died and “they didn’t have time to take Casey’s party behavior after Caylee’s disappearance, under consideration.”  What?!

I think most of us based our opinion that she was guilty, mainly on her “party behavior after Caylee’s disappearance”.  Agree or disagree?  

Dating Costs Hansen Job On Dateline?

“To Catch A Predator” host Chris Hansen’s alleged cheating scandal might have cost him the lead anchor gig at NBC’s “Dateline”.  According to the NY Post, Hansen was set to replace Ann Curry - who left to co-host the “Today Show”.  But after the National Enquirer exposed his alleged affair with 30-year-old TV reporter Kristyn Cadell, the big wigs have decided to pass on Hansen.  

- Instead, because he spent so much time in the kitchen, he’s getting his own cooking show on the Food Network.

- He can always get a job as a window-replacement specialist with benefits:  “Call 1-800-Hansen.  He’ll Get It Done!”