Kwame Cries Another River...

Kwame Kilpatricks lawyers have appealed a judges order designed to ensure that the proceeds from the former mayor’s upcoming memoir will be used to pay off his restitution. (He still owes the city $860,000).  Attorney David Hajji says that Michigan’s law forbidding criminals from profiting from their misdeeds is unconstitutional. 

- Finally!  Even Kwame’s own lawyer admits he’s a criminal! 

- If his logic holds, we can all buy those “Casey Anthony: World’s Greatest Mom” coffee mugs with a clear conscience. 

BONUS AUDIO:  This seems like a perfect reason to replay a song from my morning show… Coleman and the Colemanette’s Semi-Hitsville tune…

Supercalifragi-Kwame-Pay-Your-Restitution!  

Feds To Seize Your Kids For Eating Too Many Fries?

Two top docs writing in the Journal of the American Medical Association sparked outrage by suggesting that extremely obese children should be taken away from their parents by the government and put in foster care. They say the goal would be to help the whole family and reunite them as soon as possible, but critics says it’s outrageous government intrusion.  

- There are already plans for a new cartoon, “Fat Albert Goes To The Fat Farm”. 

- If the government really wants to help parents out, they should take all children when their born and give them back when they’re potty trained. 

- Years from now, thousands of thin kids will say, “I owe it all to my foster mom, Jenny Craig”.

RIP: "Alice's Creator Doesn't Live Here Anymore"

Sherwood Schwartz, creator of “Gilligan’s Island” and “The Brady Bunch” has died in L.A. at the age of 93.  He believed that TV theme songs should fill viewers-in on the story so he co-wrote both themes that became two of the most famous songs on earth.

- As a tribute to Schwartz, Doctors informed his family of his passing by singing, “Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale… A tale of a guy who’s dead!”

- Schwartz took two very important secrets with him to the grave:  Was Gilligan more that just the Skipper’s “little buddy”?  And who did the Professor really have the hots for… Ginger or Mary Ann?  

- Schwartz’s ashes will be scattered at sea after seven of his closest family members board a boat for a three hour tour.  A three hour tour. 

- His last words were reportedly, “Marcia… Marcia… Marcia…”

BONUS:  Here’s an out take shot from our turn as the cast of Gilligan’s Island from our calendar for Children’s Hospital…

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1865, New York Tribune publisher Horace Greeley advised readers, “Go west, young man, go west” and they did.  

- He stayed East and hired part-time employees to fill their jobs.  

Have a great day… and remember the deadline to nominate your favorite local charity to win thousands of dollars is fast approaching.  It’s a great contest from the people I buy my cars from, The Suburban Collection. Click on any one of their ads for details on their “Great Charity Giveaway!”  See you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Thanks From The Birthday Boy!

Let me start by thanking all of you for the birthday wishes you sent me yesterday!  Turning “forty” isn’t easy… but your kind words really helped! And a special thanks to my wife Gail and my six daughters who took me out for a fabulous dinner at Chuck E. Cheese! And now… on with the news! 

The Big Switcharoo: Men Love Cuddling, Women Love Sex!

Surprise!  A new study by out of the University of Indiana found that among couples who’ve been together an average of 25 years, CUDDLING is more important to men, and SEX is more important to women!  They surveyed 1000 couples in five nations and found that men who said there was a lot of kissing and cuddling were 3X more likely to be happy in the relationship, while kissing and cuddling made no difference to the women. But the longer the women were with their partner, the more likely they were to enjoy sex. Researchers believe it may be because “the kids are out of the house or their expectations have changed”.

- In this case “changed” means “dramatically lowered”.

- I think it’s because it’s a lot easier for a guy to watch football while he’s cuddling than when he’s scoring!

Nazi's Nuts For French Hookers!

Researcher Graeme Donald has unearthed evidence that Adolph Hitler ordered blow-up sex dolls for Nazi troops. The project began in 1940 after SS chief Heinrich Himmler wrote that the greatest danger to German soldiers in Paris was rampant VD from French Hookers.  So they developed blond, blue-eyed “gynoid” dolls also called “synthetic comforters” that could fit in a backpack.  But the project was yanked when most German soldiers refused to carry the dolls for fear of embarrassment if they were captured. 

- They referred to the day the project was halted as “VD-Day”. 

- When Hitler heard the soldiers wouldn’t carry the dolls, he was Fuhrer-ious!

- So it turns out when Churchill said, “Never have so many, owed so much, to so few” he was talking about French Hookers who hadn’t been paid.    

- Hitler kept one of the dolls hidden in the bunker for the nights Eva Braun “wasn’t in the mood”. 

Obama Needs To Mind His "Peas" and Q's

President Obama’s speech on the economy yesterday upset the pea farmers of America because he compared paying higher taxes to Americans having to “eat our peas”.  A spokesman for the White House immediately responded that Obama was not saying that peas are hard to swallow like taxes, but that they are healthy and good for us. 

- They were afraid the farmers would give the President a peas of their minds! 

- Peas go great with all the pork politicians are always attaching to bills.

- If he wants Republican support, the President is going to have to stop talking about peas, and dangle some kind of carrot! 

Oh BABY!

Friday in Longview, Texas Janet Johnson gave birth to a baby boy named JaMicheal who weighed 16 pounds one ounce.  He’s not the biggest baby ever - a 23 pound, 12 ouncer born in Ohio in 1879 - but he might be the biggest ever in Texas.  Janet was still recuperating in the hospital Monday, but said she hopes to get home this week and return the baby clothes she bought that won’t fit…  

- … and then kill her husband.

- Janet said “If you think I’m going to get prenant again, you are Sorely mistaken!”

- On the bright side, the kid is already potty trained.  

- When he was finally delivered, the doctor announced, “It’s a boy!  It’s a boy!  It’s a boy”.  Of course the last two times were just an echo.

- The birth certificate reads that the baby was born on July 6th, 7th and 8th!

Banana Splits After Monkey Business...

The mascot of the Wireless Center in Strongsville, Ohio was outside the store, passing out flyers in a gorilla costume, when suddenly, someone dressed as a banana leapt from the bushes, made a flying tackle, knocking the gorilla to the ground, then fled on foot.  The gorilla wasn’t injured, just embarrassed.  Police were unable to locate the banana. 

- But they do believe  the banana may be suffering from split personality disorder. 

- Police are looking for the culprit and are interviewing all women in the area named Chiquita.   

- This is just the latest in a “bunch” of similar attacks. 

- The gorilla told the cops that the banana had no distinguishing marks or tatoos… but did have a few bruises.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1854, in Waterville, New York, George Eastman was born. He invented the Kodak camera, which allowed Americans to take their own snapshots.  

- Before that, people had to bore their friends with pencil sketches of their kids.

- The very next day, Congressman Anthony Weiner the First bought a camera so he no longer had to send drawings of himself to his constituents!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Deal Or No Deal? Call Howie Mandel!

I’m back!  After a special “Best-Of” 4th of July Holiday week… it’s time to climb back into the saddle and take a look at what’s been happening…

Friday, the Labor Department reported that the economy created only 18,000 jobs in June, and the unemployment rate rose again, to 9.2%. President Obama blamed it on the economy facing “headwinds” like natural disasters, and employers being worried that Congress won’t increase the debt ceiling. 

- If the economy doesn’t improve soon… I can think of ONE job that might become available in November of 2012. 

- Congress says they won’t raise the debt ceiling, but are considering putting in a sky light.  

The One Person Betty Ford Couldn't Help...

Former First Lady Betty Ford passed away Friday at 93.  She helped thousands battle and overcome addiction with her “Betty Ford Clinic”… but apparently there was one person she couldn’t help.  Actor Peter Lawford once checked into her clinic to get sober.  But on the way, he allegedly drank every tiny bottle of vodka on the plane. After he was released, Lawford’s wife found out that during his walks in the desert behind the clinic, he’d have a helicopter deliver cocaine to him. 

- This explains why Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan were seen at several LA Helicopter Dealerships over the weekend! 

- Apparently Peter Lawford was good at learning his lines, and even better at DOING his lines. 

"When Are Ya Gonna Come See The Baby???"

Two celebs gave birth over the weekend.  Kate Hudson, daughter of Goldie Hawn gave birth to a baby boy (her second) and Victoria Beckham delivered a baby girl “Harper Seven Beckham” weighing 7 pounds 10 ounces…

- Becoming the first baby in history to be born weighing more than it’s mother.  

- The Beckhams knew it was a girl when the doctor announced that there were no signs of soccer balls. 

- Kate Hudson hasn’t announced her babies name yet… I guess she’s still waiting to figure out who the father is. 

Full Speedo Ahead... NOT!

A new survey by Match.com reveals that men and women have strong views on appropriate clothing for summer dates.  93% of women prefer a man to wear a Polo shirt and khakis, and a vast majority say a man showing up for a date wearing skinny jeans and no shirt is a turn-off, no matter how rock hard his abs are.

- What man would show up for a first date wearing no shirt?  I mean except for Matthew McConaughey and Anthony Weiner…

- 100% of men said they would love it if a woman showed up for a first date shirtless.  

As for a beach or pool date, 53% of men were against their dates wearing a thong bathing suit and a whopping 93% of women say the man shouldn’t wear a Speedo. 

- Ever! 

- A first date with a guy in a Speedo and a girl in a thong… If that’s not a reality show waiting to happen, I don’t know what is!

- I remember my first date with my wife Gail. It was the month of May… and I wore a Parka.  (Remember… I’m from Buffalo!)

The Human Speed Bump...

Dutch TV host Ruben Nicolai was filming a new reality show called “Who Is The Worst Driver In The Netherlands?” when one of the contestants lost control of his car, left the track, plowed through the traffic cones, hit a cameraman and ran over Ruben.  He spent a night in the hospital but assured viewers that he will make a full recovery. 

- Maybe the driver was just trying to make a Ruben sandwich. 

- A similar incident happened last week on “Who’s The Worst Driver In Norway?”. Ironically, the contestant was driving a “Fjord”. 

- The good news is… they found their winner in the very first episode!  

Stick A "Southfork" In It... It's NOT Done!

TNT is bring back the ‘80’s soap “Dallas” with original stars Larry Hagman, Patrick Duffy and Linda Gray. The updated version of the show will feature J.R., Sue Ellen and Bobby Ewing but will focus on their off-spring. The series is set to air next summer - but TNT will show a special preview of the new series tonight.  

- The good news is, Larry Hagman is so old that even he doesn’t remember who shot J.R.!

- They were going to bring back “Dynasty” but while filming one of their catfights, Linda Evans and Joan Collins both fell and broke their hips.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1804, Vice President Aaron Burr fatally wounded Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton in a pistol duel.

- They were arguing over whether or not to raise the debt ceiling to one thousand dollars.   

Don’t forget… the deadline to submit your favorite charity to win big bucks in The Suburban Collections “Great Charity Giveaway” is just three weeks away!  Click on any one of their ads to nominate the charity of your choice! Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here Tuesday!

-Dick

There's A Mouse In The House! Plus Niagara "Falls" For The Queen!

Happy Sunday!  Today we wrap up the holiday week with two cuts from past “Best Of” CD’s that are among the “most requested” from listeners. The first one, is a Put-On Call I did to the Roosevelt Hotel on Cass Avenue downtown while I was on Keener 13.  And in honor of Prince William and Kate’s current visit to Canada, the second cut is from Queen Elizabeth’s visit to our neighbor to the north a few years ago.  

But wait… there’s more!  For no additional shipping and handling, you also get a BONUS VIDEO of “The Queen” Dancing Her Crown Off!  

Have a great weekend… Don’t forget to enter The Suburban Collection’s “Great Charity Giveaway”… and I’ll see you right back here on Monday, July 11th.  Hmmm… why does that date sound familiar?  Details Monday!

-Dick

Sylvester The Mouse Put-On Call

The Queen’s Memorable Visit To Niagara Falls

From Soupy To Nuts!!!

This being a holiday week, we’ve been showcasing some memorable moments from the morning show. Today, I give you a joke and a true story that were told on the show that the audience went crazy for and I’ve gotten a ton of requests to replay.  The first one, a joke told by the incomparable Soupy Sales and the second a true-story told to me by the President of Children’s Hospital, Larry Fleischman, and re-told on the air by yours truly!

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here on Friday! And don’t forget to enter The Suburban Collection’s $25,000 “Great Charity Giveaway”!  Just click on one of the ads on this page for more info!

-Dick 

Mock Turtle Soupy & Sandwich 1:15

Hands Off! 1:25