The New York Post’s Page Six reports that Hef’s now-cancelled wedding to now ex-fiance Crystal Harris this coming Saturday was supposed to be filmed for a reality show. And an unnamed source claims Crystal planned to dump Hef at the altar, ON CAMERA, if she could secure a half-million dollar deal for an exclusive interview about it. Nobody would pay, so she gave him a few day’s notice.
- You mean this whole thing was about money? But they had so much in common!
In an extra embarrassment for Hef, the new Playboy already in the mail has a pictorial and a nude cover photo of Crystal captioned, “America’s Princess: Introducing Mrs. Crystal Hefner.” To salvage his dignity, Hef says newsstand issues will have a sticker over her bottom half reading, “Runaway Bride.” He says it’s in the interest of “journalistic accuracy”.
- When I think Playboy magazine, the first thing I think is journalistic accuracy!
- Poor Hugh is being denied that great American tradition of showing off naked pictures of your new wife to millions of strangers.
- Hef says he’s moving on… in fact he already had her air-brushed out of his memory.
After the Canuck’s 4-0 loss to the Boston Bruins in the Stanley Cup Finals, Vancouver fans went nuts… ripping off jerseys, burning cars, hurling bricks at police, and looting a bunch of businesses. One inebriated fan set fire to a car, then jumped on top of it, only to fall to the ground complaining that he’d been burned. City officials said Vancouver is a world class city and were deeply embarrassed by the rioters behavior.
- Police said the situation was “almost as violent as a hockey game”.
- Luckily, with Canada’s healthcare system, the guy who burned himself will only have to wait about 6 months to see a doctor!
- The two men who started the melee have been identified as a Jacque and Frenchy LePuke.
A law professor and 10 Congress members of both parties filed a lawsuit against President Obama yesterday for allegedly violating the War Powers Act by committing US troops to a bombing campaign in Libya without Congressional approval. 
The White House replied that since no troops are at risk on the ground, it’s not technically a war, so Obama doesn’t need Congressional approval.
- Then they added, “Na… na… na… na… na… na!”
- So I guess this means the Air Force isn’t technically a branch of the military.
- And those things we’re dropping aren’t really “bombs” they’re just “reverse fireworks”.
Yesterday, President Obama told the “Today” show that his family would be fine with him being a one-term President. He said, “They’re not invested in Daddy being President or my husband being President.” He also admitted there are some days “where I say that one term is enough,” and Michelle would be “the first to say, ‘Why don’t you do something else that’s a little less stressful?’”
- Which is a polite way of saying, “I’m voting for someone else”.
- His daughters were really disappointed when they found out “Camp David” didn’t include “Arts & Crafts” or a campfire talent show.
- Luckily Obama is worth millions, so even if he doesn’t win a second term he’ll still have plenty of change he can believe in!
Tuesday, Veep Joe Biden said he’s confident that a deal can be made to cut the deficit “well beyond” $1 Trillion over 10 to 12 years. He didn’t say how, but he did note that the White House’s new Campaign to Cut Waste has helped eliminate a federally funded website devoted to the endangered desert tortoise, and one devoted to foresters who play the fiddle called fiddlinforesters.gov.
- Well that’s a start… Only 9.9999999999 Billion to go!
- Still in there… Biden’s bill funding free Viagra for all Congressmen. (Except for Weiner)
Hello! Magazine scored the first interview with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s former housekeeper and lover, Mildred Baena. She says Maria Shriver became suspicious of the resemblance of her son to Arnold and asked her about it a year ago at which time Baena broke down and confessed. She says Maria was very understanding and she told Maria it wasn’t Arnold’s fault because “it takes two.” BTW… when she told her 13-year-old son that Arnold was his real dad, he replied, “Cool!”
- He loves Arnold so much he got him a “World’s Greatest Biological Dad” coffee cup for Father’s Day!
- So the kid is half Latino and half Austrian… which explains why his favorite food is Weiner Schnitzel with Refried Beans.
- HBO is doing a movie based on the story called “Sex, Lies and Windex”.
In the ‘80’s Rep. Barney Frank weathered a scandal in which his gay escort lover was found to be running a prostitution service out of his Capitol Hill apartment. In light of that, the longtime Congressman says he doesn’t think it’s appropriate for him to judge Anthony Weiner.
- I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I’ve seen Anthony’s Weiner, I DON’T want to see Barney’s Frank!
83-year-old Robert M. Lee is charged with assault of a female paramedic on a private plane during a recent flight. Prosecutors say Lee grabbed and twisted the woman’s breast as she helped him return to his seat. When she asked him not to touch her again, he allegedly replied, “I can do whatever I want. This is my airplane.” He then told her she should be wearing a shirt that would allow him to slide his hand down it more easily.
- She also claims that during the entire flight, his “tray table was in it’s full and upright position”!
- To add insult to injury, he charged her extra for the emotional baggage she’s now carrying around.
- Lee said “I can do whatever I want.” At 83, I can think of a few things he can’t do… Number one on the list? Go number one.
- The woman claimed, “He loves to fly… and it showed!”
- This is the second guy I’ve heard of with a bomb in his underpants!
No wedding bells for Hugh Hefner… The 85-year-old founder of Playboy was all set to marry 25-year-old Playmate Crystal Harris in a lavish 300-guest ceremony this weekend. But Tuesday, Hef announced in a Tweet, “The wedding is off. Crystal has had a change of heart.” Crystal’s manager said the split “was a mutual decision, and the two remain good friends.”
- Great… I just sent them a set of “Hef’s” and “Hers” towels on Monday!
- Apparently Crystal called it off when she realized that Hef was “The Something Old” part of “Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed and Something Blue”.
- If those two crazy kids can’t find happiness together, who can?
- Hef used to make his girlfriends dress up like nurses and play doctor. Now he has a real nurse and a live-in cardiologist.
- She said she wanted to grow old with him - but apparently realized he did that before she was born.
On this day in 1752, Benjamin Franklin flew a kite during a storm to prove that lightning was a discharge of electricity.
LITTLE KNOWN HISTORICAL FACT: While Ben was outside flying his kite, his wife yelled out the window, “Why don’t you come inside and try to turn me on for a change!”
Also on this day in 1844, Charles Goodyear received a patent on his process for vulcanizing rubber. And on the same day in 1966, the producers of “Star Trek” received a patent for vulcanizing Leonard Nimoy.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here on Thursday!
-Dick
Still refusing to resign, Anthony Weiner has requested a two-week leave of absence from Congress to seek “treatment” for his unnamed problem.
- Who knew you could cure “Pervertism” in just 14 days!
- He promised to stay in touch with his constituents while he’s gone… but since he’s in treatment he’ll tweet just ONE naked picture of himself every day!
Even President Obama has now weighed in against Weiner, telling the “Today Show” that “if it was me, I would resign.”
- Rush Limbaugh is offering a $1 million dollar reward to anyone who can come up with a picture of the President’s privates!
CNSNews.com reports that Weiner will continue to drawing his Congressional salary while in rehab, at a cost to taxpayers of $475 a day. Meanwhile, some Americans have already found a way to get some of that money back. For starters, there’s a new line of Weiner condoms.
- The box reads “A Great New Way To Practice Safe Text!”
- A condom with Anthony Weiner’s picture on it… what a great way to impress your Tweetheart!
- If only Anthony’s father had used a condom…
Herobuilders, a company that markets political action figures, has rushed out an Anthony Weiner doll. There are two versions, one for $39 and the other $49. The more expensive one is for “adults only” and comes complete with a sweatshirt, crotch bulge and shorts that read “TWEET THIS”.
- Just in time for Father’s Day!
- You get a discount if you also buy the “John Edwards Doll” which comes with great hair and a miniature sex tape.
- The $39 doll looks like Batman and is called “BatWeiner”; the $49 doll is dressed in red and blue with a yellow “S” on the chest that stands for “SuperWeiner”!
Last night, CNN hosted the first major GOP Presidential debate. Moderator John King couldn’t get the candidates to attack each other; they saved their barbs for Obama instead. So he tried a different tact, asking them personal pop culture questions including “Leno or Conan?” “Coke or Pepsi” and “Elvis or Johnny Cash”. Most of them seemed baffled.
- The best moment came when he asked “Hamburger or Weiner?”
Civil libertarians are concerned about news that FBI agents will soon get expanded snooping powers to try to find crooks and terrorists. The FBI will soon issue a new manual that will give agents broader leeway to search people’s computer databases, surveil “suspects”, and sort through their household trash. A former agent who’s now an ACLU lawyer said this has the potential for abuse.
- They got the idea after going through Osama bin Laden’s trash… they found a terrorist manifesto along with a lot of Camel poop.
- How much “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” spray I go through in a week is nobody’s business but my own!
Facebook brags that it’s about to top 700 million members worldwide, but it appears that many people are starting to lose interest. US membership dropped by six million in May alone. The rise in membership seems due mostly to new markets like Mexico and India, and soon, China. One expert said Facebook use tends to grow quickly until it reaches about half the population, then it slows to a crawl or drops.
- It’s huge in Mexico because if you don’t “Like” the heads of the drug cartels, they’ll kill you.
- Mark Zuckerberg better sell his stock soon before he goes broke!
- I had no idea Facebook was available in India! Now I can finally “friend” the guy who spends hours helping me fix my computer!
Jan Rudnicki of Jarnoltowka, Poland had a huge crush on a local divorcee and made his move. After a night of drinking, he decided to be her Knight on Horseback. He stripped to the waist, galloped up her garden path and crashed his horse through her front door. She called the cops, and later said, “He’s a loon… I never fancied him before, and I certainly don’t now. If this was supposed to win my heart, he must be seriously off his rocker.” He could get five years in prison.
- He could have saved himself a lot of trouble if he just Twittered a picture of himself to her in his underpants!
- How many Polish Knights does it take to end up in Prison for five years? Apparently just one!
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
Much photographed (by himself!) NYC Representative Anthony Weiner has taken a “leave of absence” from his Congressional duties so he can “get himself healthy”, but he still refuses to resign. But support is drying up after more photos of a clothed and semi-nude Weiner taken in the House gym surfaced and it was confirmed that he had a “textual” relationship with a 17 year old. Ironically, Weiner actually wrote the bill cracking down on sex predators who contact minors on the internet.
- A bill he crafted after a great deal of research!
- Weiner’s really an old fashioned politician… He shakes hands, kisses babies, and sends naked pictures to his constituents.
- I personally think we should expect more from our erected officials!
Weiner has not specified exactly what type of “treatment” he is seeking, but says it’s designed to help him become a “better husband”.
- I don’t really think a photography class is going to make him a better husband!
- Rumor has it he’s attending the “Bill Clinton Self-Control Retreat and Cigar Bar”.
Osama bin Laden is dead, but still making news. Journalist Jean Sasson interviewed the first of Osama’s six wives, Najwa bin Laden, for a book and she spilled the beans on the terrorist’s sex life. Najwa said Osama used to come home after waging jihad and take her to bed for days of sex to get “reacquainted”. 
She also said she wasn’t surprised to hear that herbal Viagra was found in the compound where he lived with three of his younger wives.
- It’s amazing SEAL Team 6 found the Viagra… I would think Osama’s wives kept it hidden from him for months!
- We’ll this explains the two old fashioned bathtubs they found in the compounds enclosed yard.
- What better way to unwind after a long day of jihad that a little romance?