What's Left of Him Is "Swimming With The Fishes"...

Speaking of Osama… He may be the star of a new version of the old game show “Treasure Hunt”. A self-proclaimed treasure hunter/promoter says Americans felt cheated that they never got to see Osama’s body because it was buried at sea.  So he’s pitching a reality show in which cameras would follow him beneath the ocean as he searches for Bin Laden, like the divers who searched for the Titanic. 

- I think if Osama’s body is going to show up it’s going to be on the Discovery Channel during “Shark Week”. 

- I’d way rather watch a show about his young widows… “Keeping Up With The Bin Ladens”.  

Sarah Palin Asks Age Old Question in Emails...

Reporters and Sarah Palin haters spent their entire weekend reading over 24,000 pages of newly-released e-mails from her Alaska governorship, only to have it backfire on them:  they were mostly just official business with no scandals or smoking guns.  The worst they could come up with is that she occassionaly includes the exclamation “Sheesh!” in her emails.  

- In one of the emails she asked “Does a Bear Sheesh in the Woods?” 

- If they want a smoking gun, they should look in her garage after she’s been out moose hunting. 

- How come she wasn’t the one who took naked pictures of herself instead of Anthony Weiner?

Want Your Woman To Be Happy? Listen Up!

Two new studies may explain why so many women suffer from sexual frustration.  First, a Johns Hopkins University Study found that women wholse male partner communicates well and is a really good listener are more likely to have the big “O”.  They say that men who listen to their partners tend to be more responsive and caring in bed, which sets up a “feedback cycle” that enhances women’s pleasure.

- This is why Hugh Hefner spends so much time at the “Hearing Aid Maintenance Shop”! 

- Anthony Weiner disagrees… He says men don’t have to be great listeners, just great Tweeters!

- All across America, women are reading the results of this study out loud to their husbands, and their husbands are saying, “huh”?   

And Now The Bad News...

Unfortunately, the other study found that men’s brains are not wired to listen to women.  Researchers discovered that men process male and female voices differently.  Female voices are processed by the same complex regions of the brain that process music, while male voices are processed by simpler mechanisms in the back of the brain. That makes it harder for a man to listen to a woman and understand what she is saying. 

- Men, if you want a lasting marriage… make sure you marry a woman who’s got a voice like Bea Arthur.

- I guess this is why I never became a big fan of rapper “Lil Kim”!

- It’s actually only certain words men can’t understand… like “Take out the garbage!”, “The garage needs cleaning” and “What are you thinking about?”.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1920, the U.S. Post Office changed it’s rules to bar children from being sent by parcel post. 

- Luckily we now have FedEx when your kid absolutely, positively has to get their overnight! 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

I Apologize!!!

I’d like to thank you for taking the time to read this.  First of all, I want to say that due to extreme embarrassment and shame, I have not been truthful.  Earlier this week, I inadvertently posted a picture of my elbow on my Twitter account.  I had injured it while moving some lawn furniture and thought it might be sprained due to some swelling.  I took a picture of it with my cell phone and attempted to send it to a friend of mine who specializes in sports-related injuries.  But… and I am so sorry about this… I accidentally posted it on my public and not private Twitter account.  I panicked and took it down as soon as I realized my mistake, but the damage was done. A good number of people had already seen it.

At first, I denied I had posted the picture.  I told everyone - including my wife - that someone had hacked into my account.  I even named Big Al as the likely culprit.  Although I did say that I could not be sure with certitude that the elbow in the photo was not mine.   

But I am here to tell you now that it was my elbow and I’m the one who sent the picture.  

Why did I lie?  Frankly, I was embarrassed and ashamed.  I didn’t want people to think that I was too lazy to go to the doctor and have my elbow checked out… that I would just send a picture of it to my Doctor friend for his advice. 

But that was wrong.  Lying was wrong.  And I’m here to take full responsibility for my actions and to apologize to the people that mean the most to me… first and foremost my wife.  I love her elbows very much and she loves mine, and we’re not going to let this come between us.  

Will I resign from dickpurtan.com?  Absolutely not.  The elbow-incident was an accident and in no way affects my ability to comment on topical events.  Whether you continue to read this website is up to you, but I reiterate that I will not resign - but I am seeking professional treatment.    

And now I have to get back to work.  Thank you for your time, and again I apologize for my personal failing, and will work to make it up to those of you who I may have hurt.  

Thank you. 

-Dick 

We Bid a Fond Farewell to World Series Hero Jim Northrup

The Tigers lost much more than a baseball game yesterday; and for that matter so did all Detroit sports fans.  I was on the phone last night with Big Al when we learned of the passing of one of our heroes of the 1968 World Series -  # 5 Jim Northrup.  We spent some time reflecting on our collective memories of Jim and his career. 

Jim, born in Breckenridge, Michigan near Saginaw, had been in declining health for the last several years.  Yesterday he passed away after suffering a seizure at an Alzheimer’s care facility near Grand Blanc.  He was 71.

Jim Northrup of course will forever be remembered for his dramatic 1968 World Series Game 7 triple off of the seemingly invincible Bob Gibson.  

The three bagger over Cardinal centerfielder Curt Flood’s head scored Norm Cash and Willie Horton to help secure a 4-1 victory and the championship.  Jim had delivered all season long for the Tigers, including five grand slams, two that were hit in one game and at consecutive at bats!  A few days later he smashed another base clearing home run to become the first player in major league history to hit three grand slams in one week.  You might say that Jim was delivering “Grand Slams” way before Denny’s.

Our heartfelt condolences to Jim’s wife Patty, his five children and seven grandchildren.  Rest in peace Jim and thanks for the great memories.   

Alec Baldwin May Throw Hat In Ring For NYC Mayor. Anthony Weiner Takes Pants Out Of Ring!

Alec Baldwin may throw his hat in the ring to become the next Mayor of NYC now that scandal-rocked Anthony Weiner is out of the running.  Alec said, “Hey, maybe this changes the race.  The dynamics may have shifted.” One friend of the “30 Rock” star added, “The Democrats need a high-profile candidate, and Alec can fill that bill.” Baldwin, originally from Long Island, has said that 2012 will be his last year on “30 Rock”.

- His ex-wife Kim Bassinger says, “He’s not 30 Rock… he’s dumb as a bag of rocks.”

- Baldwin says he won’t announce until he’s sure Weiner pulls out. He added, “It’s Complicated”.

- If he survives the scandal and actually runs and gets elected, Anthony will be referred to as “The Oscar MAYOR Weiner”. 

"O"... So That's Why They Do That!

Researcher Erin Cooper of Temple University is obsessed with the scientific study of why 60 percent of women fake orgasms and thinks she’s discovered several new reasons.  She says in a study of 366 women, she found that most do it more for themselves than to please their partners. One of the biggest reasons? They fake a “Big O” just because they want to get the sex overwith faster.

- What… 2 minutes isn’t fast enough?

- Turns out the women aren’t screaming “Yes!” They’re screaming, “Why don’t you help me with the housework?” but the guys are too caught up in the moment to notice.

- If you fake it while twittering “Anthony Weiner” it’s known as “Fwiteering”.

- I always thought “faking it” was that the woman was wearing a padded bra.  That’s when the man does the screaming!

Survey Reveals Amazing Results Of "What Turns A Woman On": Men Say "You Gotta Be Kidding!"

Monica Hesse of the Washington Post Style section asked a number of women, including the author of “Porn for Women,” what kind of pictures a man could send them that they’d find sexy. Turns out none would be impressed by a photo of a man’s genitals. But they said they would be wooed by pix of a made-up bed, folded laundry, a man holding a frying pan after cooking dinner himself, and a man “gently caressing the yogurt as he rotates the soon-to-be expired food to the front of the fridge.”

- As of this writing, not a single photo of any of those things exist. 

- Ironically, Anthony Weiner loves yogurt!  His favorite brand is “Yoplait or Mine?”

- Some guys do send pictures of themselves vacuuming… but they can’t help including the hose attachment. 

- So it’s not just a picture of Brad Pitt… it’s a picture of Brad Pitt vacuuming!

Cops Shoot Cement Alligator. Claim Neighborhood Safer!

Police in Missouri apologized to Rick Sheridan after an officer spotted what he thought was an alligator loose in Sheridan’s yard and shot it.  Sheridan ran out to find several officers with their guns drawn, standing around his lifesize concrete alligator lawn ornament.  A neighbor reported it, and wildlife officials told the cops to kill it if they found it.  The condition of the “victim” was not disclosed, but Sheridan said, “The officer fired two rounds and killed my concrete ornament alligator”.  

- What a croc! 

- Sheridan’s garden gnomes plan to protest outside police headquarters… as soon as they can get someone to pick them up and drive them over. 

- So much for the new alligator purse the cop was planning on having made for his wife’s birthday…

- If you ever are attacked by an alligator, even one made of cement, always remember to serpentine!

This Story's Got Legs... Lots of 'Em!

The director of the horror film”The Human Centipede II” is protesting the banning of the film from the UK by the British Board of Film Classification. The film board claims it poses a “genuine risk” to viewers, saying that the characters are “nothing other than objects to be brutalized & degraded and serve as amusement and arousal of the central character and the audience”. 

- Instead, they’re just going to show “The Concrete Alligator” - which shows cops in Missouri taking out a guys concrete lawn ornament. 

NOTE:  The mention of the word “Centipede” reminded me of the classic joke told to me by my late, great friend Sydney Needleman that we played on the air many times through the years.  Click below to listen and as they say in restaurants… Enjoy! 

“The Lion and the Elephant Joke”

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1934, Donald Duck made his debut in the cartoon, “Wise Little Men”. 

- He worked cheap, but as his popularity grew… so did his bill!  

- Donald soon got in trouble for sending naked sketches of his private parts to several female Ducks, including one known only as “Daisy”. 

BTW… The fabulous Scintas are in town this Friday and Saturday night at the Andiamo Celebrity Showroom in Warren!  For reservations call 586-268-3200.  You’ll never see a more entertaining and funnier show!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Commissioner Gordon Called In To Investigate!

NY Rep. Anthony Weiner is still resisting demands from Republicans that he resign and is finding no support from fellow Democrats. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said he wished he could defend Weiner, but he just can’t. Meanwhile, even more embarrassing details emerged Tuesday, as other women he’d allegedly contacted released transcripts of their sexting sessions.  In one, with a sexy Vegas blackjack dealer, Weiner compared himself to Batman, saying he was a “caped-crusader… looking for my sidekick,” adding, “Plus my tights really itch. I need a distraction.”

- He’s “Batman” alright… He likes to send photos of his man-bat to women across the country!

- It takes a big man to admit he wears tights!  

- When Weiner’s wife found out about the “Batman” text, people in the next room heard “BAM!” “POW!” “SLAM!” 

- Actually just like the real Batman, Weiner has a sidekick named “Robin”… But she’s a college co-ed he Twitters in Kansas.  

Porn Star Told To Keep Her Mouth Shut...

TMZ.com claims that Weiner tried to coach ex-porn star “Ginger Lee” to lie about interactions he had with her. At first, he reportedly told Lee in a June 1st email to craft a “short, thought-out statement” to repeat to the press making clear that she doesn’t know him.  The next day he offered her the help of a professional PR type for advice, saying “I can have someone on my team call”, and finally sent her a proposed statement saying she had “nothing to do with the situation” and merely followed him on his Twitter account.

- If anyone knows about “Twittering” it’s a former porn star.

- She never got back to him because she was out partying with Charlie Sheen.

- If you can’t trust an ex-porn star to keep her mouth shut about sex, who can you trust? 

- I for one am glad to know that America’s porn stars are concerned enough about this country to follow a Congresman’s Twitter account! 

Men Harder On Weiner Than Women!

A SurveyUSA poll of New Yorkers found that 46% want Weiner to resign, 41% say he should stay, and 13% are undecided. Men are harsher on him than women.  The pollsters said that 50% of men want Weiner to quit, while only 41% of women agreed that he should throw in the towel.  

- Or in this case, “throw in the underpants”. 

- California Senator Barbara Boxer is expect to make a briefs statement later today.  

Khloe Slow-e To Cover Up

Khloe Kardashian was promoting her new reality show on “Fox & Friends” Tuesday morning, and after she got off the air, she was informed that she had inadvertently exposed her breast… FOR ABOUT FOUR MINUTES! Nobody on the set noticed, but viewers did.  Khloe later tweeted her fans, “I had a nip slip, and I loved it!  My mom just called me saying my nip slip is ‘all over the internet!’”. 

- Hey, at least she was wearing underwear… as far as we know!

- Anthony Weiner immediately called “Fox & Friends” and demanded a guest shot.  He plans on having an “inadvertent” zipper-slipper! 

- How are we expected to “Keep Up With The Kardashians” when they can’t even keep up their own clothing?

With A Name Like "Titanic II"... Who Woulda Sunk It?

A 16-foot cabin cruiser named the Titanic II went the way of her namesake Sunday, when she sprung a leak on her maiden voyage.  Mark Wilkinson of the UK was rescued by the harbormaster as he clung to the rapidly sinking ship.  Wilkinson had just purchased the used boat, named her Titanic II and went out fishing when a large hole opened up in the hull.  Wilkinson says, “It’s all a bit embarrassing - I’m fed up with people asking me if I hit an iceberg.”

- Celine Dion is already in the studio recording her new song, “My Fishing Pole Will Go On”. 

- NOTE TO SELF:  Do not name the Zeppelin that I just bought “The Hindenburg II”. 

Another Psycho Psychic Psych Out!

Yesterday, deputies and FBI agents swarmed into a rural neighborhood in Texas to search a farmhouse after a person claiming to be a psychic told them there was a mass grave full of murder victims under it.  They found nothing.  The alleged psychic later called back to say they had the wrong house.  Back they went, this time to a rental house where they found blood on  the door and a foul odor, but again, no bodies.  A local judge said, “We have to take tips like this very seriously.” 

- They should have known the guy was a fraud when he made the police call him back and charged them $4.99 a minute for the info.  

- On the bright side, he did tell the Police Chief that he was about to come into a lot of money and meet the woman of his dreams.  

- He also predicted the world was going to end last May 21st, but has now revised it to October 21st.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1824, Noah Cushing of Quebec patented the washing machine. And on the same day in 1869, Ives W. McGaffery of Chicago patented the vacuum cleaner. 

- And to this day, they’re the only men in history who have ever used either one.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick