What A Doll!

Herobuilders, a company that markets political action figures, has rushed out an Anthony Weiner doll. There are two versions, one for $39 and the other $49.  The more expensive one is for “adults only” and comes complete with a sweatshirt, crotch bulge and shorts that read “TWEET THIS”. 

- Just in time for Father’s Day!  

- You get a discount if you also buy the “John Edwards Doll” which comes with great hair and a miniature sex tape. 

- The $39 doll looks like Batman and is called “BatWeiner”; the $49 doll is dressed in red and blue with a yellow “S” on the chest that stands for “SuperWeiner”!

Debate Or Stupid Questions?

Last night, CNN hosted the first major GOP Presidential debate. Moderator John King couldn’t get the candidates to attack each other; they saved their barbs for Obama instead.  So he tried a different tact, asking them personal pop culture questions including “Leno or Conan?” “Coke or Pepsi” and “Elvis or Johnny Cash”. Most of them seemed baffled. 

- The best moment came when he asked “Hamburger or Weiner?”

The FBI Gets Trashed?

Civil libertarians are concerned about news that FBI agents will soon get expanded snooping powers to try to find crooks and terrorists.  The FBI will soon issue a new manual that will give agents broader leeway to search people’s computer databases, surveil “suspects”, and sort through their household trash.  A former agent who’s now an ACLU lawyer said this has the potential for abuse. 

- They got the idea after going through Osama bin Laden’s trash… they found a terrorist manifesto along with a lot of Camel poop. 

- How much “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” spray I go through in a week is nobody’s business but my own! 

Facebook Fans "Unfriending" Facebook?

Facebook brags that it’s about to top 700 million members worldwide, but it appears that many people are starting to lose interest.  US membership dropped by six million in May alone.  The rise in membership seems due mostly to new markets like Mexico and India, and soon, China.  One expert said Facebook use tends to grow quickly until it reaches about half the population, then it slows to a crawl or drops.

- It’s huge in Mexico because if you don’t “Like” the heads of the drug cartels, they’ll kill you.

- Mark Zuckerberg better sell his stock soon before he goes broke!

- I had no idea Facebook was available in India!  Now I can finally “friend” the guy who spends hours helping me fix my computer!

How Many Polish Knights Does It Take To... ?

Jan Rudnicki of Jarnoltowka, Poland had a huge crush on a local divorcee and made his move.  After a night of drinking, he decided to be her Knight on Horseback.  He stripped to the waist, galloped up her garden path and crashed his horse through her front door.  She called the cops, and later said, “He’s a loon… I never fancied him before, and I certainly don’t now. If this was supposed to win my heart, he must be seriously off his rocker.” He could get five years in prison.  

- He could have saved himself a lot of trouble if he just Twittered a picture of himself to her in his underpants!

- How many Polish Knights does it take to end up in Prison for five years?  Apparently just one! 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Anthony Only One Standing Behind Weiner!

Much photographed (by himself!) NYC Representative Anthony Weiner has taken a “leave of absence” from his Congressional duties so he can “get himself healthy”, but he still refuses to resign.  But support is drying up after more photos of a clothed and semi-nude Weiner taken in the House gym surfaced and it was confirmed that he had a “textual” relationship with a 17 year old.  Ironically, Weiner actually wrote the bill cracking down on sex predators who contact minors on the internet. 

- A bill he crafted after a great deal of research! 

- Weiner’s really an old fashioned politician… He shakes hands, kisses babies, and sends naked pictures to his constituents. 

- I personally think we should expect more from our erected officials! 

Weiner has not specified exactly what type of “treatment” he is seeking, but says it’s designed to help him become a “better husband”. 

- I don’t really think a photography class is going to make him a better husband!

- Rumor has it he’s attending the “Bill Clinton Self-Control Retreat and Cigar Bar”. 

After Jihad, He "Jihaded" His Wives!

Osama bin Laden is dead, but still making news.  Journalist Jean Sasson interviewed the first of Osama’s six wives, Najwa bin Laden, for a book and she spilled the beans on the terrorist’s sex life.  Najwa said Osama used to come home after waging jihad and take her to bed for days of sex to get “reacquainted”.  She also said she wasn’t surprised to hear that herbal Viagra was found in the compound where he lived with three of his younger wives.

- It’s amazing SEAL Team 6 found the Viagra… I would think Osama’s wives kept it hidden from him for months! 

- We’ll this explains the two old fashioned bathtubs they found in the compounds enclosed yard. 

- What better way to unwind after a long day of jihad that a little romance?  

What's Left of Him Is "Swimming With The Fishes"...

Speaking of Osama… He may be the star of a new version of the old game show “Treasure Hunt”. A self-proclaimed treasure hunter/promoter says Americans felt cheated that they never got to see Osama’s body because it was buried at sea.  So he’s pitching a reality show in which cameras would follow him beneath the ocean as he searches for Bin Laden, like the divers who searched for the Titanic. 

- I think if Osama’s body is going to show up it’s going to be on the Discovery Channel during “Shark Week”. 

- I’d way rather watch a show about his young widows… “Keeping Up With The Bin Ladens”.  

Sarah Palin Asks Age Old Question in Emails...

Reporters and Sarah Palin haters spent their entire weekend reading over 24,000 pages of newly-released e-mails from her Alaska governorship, only to have it backfire on them:  they were mostly just official business with no scandals or smoking guns.  The worst they could come up with is that she occassionaly includes the exclamation “Sheesh!” in her emails.  

- In one of the emails she asked “Does a Bear Sheesh in the Woods?” 

- If they want a smoking gun, they should look in her garage after she’s been out moose hunting. 

- How come she wasn’t the one who took naked pictures of herself instead of Anthony Weiner?

Want Your Woman To Be Happy? Listen Up!

Two new studies may explain why so many women suffer from sexual frustration.  First, a Johns Hopkins University Study found that women wholse male partner communicates well and is a really good listener are more likely to have the big “O”.  They say that men who listen to their partners tend to be more responsive and caring in bed, which sets up a “feedback cycle” that enhances women’s pleasure.

- This is why Hugh Hefner spends so much time at the “Hearing Aid Maintenance Shop”! 

- Anthony Weiner disagrees… He says men don’t have to be great listeners, just great Tweeters!

- All across America, women are reading the results of this study out loud to their husbands, and their husbands are saying, “huh”?   

And Now The Bad News...

Unfortunately, the other study found that men’s brains are not wired to listen to women.  Researchers discovered that men process male and female voices differently.  Female voices are processed by the same complex regions of the brain that process music, while male voices are processed by simpler mechanisms in the back of the brain. That makes it harder for a man to listen to a woman and understand what she is saying. 

- Men, if you want a lasting marriage… make sure you marry a woman who’s got a voice like Bea Arthur.

- I guess this is why I never became a big fan of rapper “Lil Kim”!

- It’s actually only certain words men can’t understand… like “Take out the garbage!”, “The garage needs cleaning” and “What are you thinking about?”.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1920, the U.S. Post Office changed it’s rules to bar children from being sent by parcel post. 

- Luckily we now have FedEx when your kid absolutely, positively has to get their overnight! 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

I Apologize!!!

I’d like to thank you for taking the time to read this.  First of all, I want to say that due to extreme embarrassment and shame, I have not been truthful.  Earlier this week, I inadvertently posted a picture of my elbow on my Twitter account.  I had injured it while moving some lawn furniture and thought it might be sprained due to some swelling.  I took a picture of it with my cell phone and attempted to send it to a friend of mine who specializes in sports-related injuries.  But… and I am so sorry about this… I accidentally posted it on my public and not private Twitter account.  I panicked and took it down as soon as I realized my mistake, but the damage was done. A good number of people had already seen it.

At first, I denied I had posted the picture.  I told everyone - including my wife - that someone had hacked into my account.  I even named Big Al as the likely culprit.  Although I did say that I could not be sure with certitude that the elbow in the photo was not mine.   

But I am here to tell you now that it was my elbow and I’m the one who sent the picture.  

Why did I lie?  Frankly, I was embarrassed and ashamed.  I didn’t want people to think that I was too lazy to go to the doctor and have my elbow checked out… that I would just send a picture of it to my Doctor friend for his advice. 

But that was wrong.  Lying was wrong.  And I’m here to take full responsibility for my actions and to apologize to the people that mean the most to me… first and foremost my wife.  I love her elbows very much and she loves mine, and we’re not going to let this come between us.  

Will I resign from dickpurtan.com?  Absolutely not.  The elbow-incident was an accident and in no way affects my ability to comment on topical events.  Whether you continue to read this website is up to you, but I reiterate that I will not resign - but I am seeking professional treatment.    

And now I have to get back to work.  Thank you for your time, and again I apologize for my personal failing, and will work to make it up to those of you who I may have hurt.  

Thank you. 

-Dick 

We Bid a Fond Farewell to World Series Hero Jim Northrup

The Tigers lost much more than a baseball game yesterday; and for that matter so did all Detroit sports fans.  I was on the phone last night with Big Al when we learned of the passing of one of our heroes of the 1968 World Series -  # 5 Jim Northrup.  We spent some time reflecting on our collective memories of Jim and his career. 

Jim, born in Breckenridge, Michigan near Saginaw, had been in declining health for the last several years.  Yesterday he passed away after suffering a seizure at an Alzheimer’s care facility near Grand Blanc.  He was 71.

Jim Northrup of course will forever be remembered for his dramatic 1968 World Series Game 7 triple off of the seemingly invincible Bob Gibson.  

The three bagger over Cardinal centerfielder Curt Flood’s head scored Norm Cash and Willie Horton to help secure a 4-1 victory and the championship.  Jim had delivered all season long for the Tigers, including five grand slams, two that were hit in one game and at consecutive at bats!  A few days later he smashed another base clearing home run to become the first player in major league history to hit three grand slams in one week.  You might say that Jim was delivering “Grand Slams” way before Denny’s.

Our heartfelt condolences to Jim’s wife Patty, his five children and seven grandchildren.  Rest in peace Jim and thanks for the great memories.   

Alec Baldwin May Throw Hat In Ring For NYC Mayor. Anthony Weiner Takes Pants Out Of Ring!

Alec Baldwin may throw his hat in the ring to become the next Mayor of NYC now that scandal-rocked Anthony Weiner is out of the running.  Alec said, “Hey, maybe this changes the race.  The dynamics may have shifted.” One friend of the “30 Rock” star added, “The Democrats need a high-profile candidate, and Alec can fill that bill.” Baldwin, originally from Long Island, has said that 2012 will be his last year on “30 Rock”.

- His ex-wife Kim Bassinger says, “He’s not 30 Rock… he’s dumb as a bag of rocks.”

- Baldwin says he won’t announce until he’s sure Weiner pulls out. He added, “It’s Complicated”.

- If he survives the scandal and actually runs and gets elected, Anthony will be referred to as “The Oscar MAYOR Weiner”. 

"O"... So That's Why They Do That!

Researcher Erin Cooper of Temple University is obsessed with the scientific study of why 60 percent of women fake orgasms and thinks she’s discovered several new reasons.  She says in a study of 366 women, she found that most do it more for themselves than to please their partners. One of the biggest reasons? They fake a “Big O” just because they want to get the sex overwith faster.

- What… 2 minutes isn’t fast enough?

- Turns out the women aren’t screaming “Yes!” They’re screaming, “Why don’t you help me with the housework?” but the guys are too caught up in the moment to notice.

- If you fake it while twittering “Anthony Weiner” it’s known as “Fwiteering”.

- I always thought “faking it” was that the woman was wearing a padded bra.  That’s when the man does the screaming!

Survey Reveals Amazing Results Of "What Turns A Woman On": Men Say "You Gotta Be Kidding!"

Monica Hesse of the Washington Post Style section asked a number of women, including the author of “Porn for Women,” what kind of pictures a man could send them that they’d find sexy. Turns out none would be impressed by a photo of a man’s genitals. But they said they would be wooed by pix of a made-up bed, folded laundry, a man holding a frying pan after cooking dinner himself, and a man “gently caressing the yogurt as he rotates the soon-to-be expired food to the front of the fridge.”

- As of this writing, not a single photo of any of those things exist. 

- Ironically, Anthony Weiner loves yogurt!  His favorite brand is “Yoplait or Mine?”

- Some guys do send pictures of themselves vacuuming… but they can’t help including the hose attachment. 

- So it’s not just a picture of Brad Pitt… it’s a picture of Brad Pitt vacuuming!

Cops Shoot Cement Alligator. Claim Neighborhood Safer!

Police in Missouri apologized to Rick Sheridan after an officer spotted what he thought was an alligator loose in Sheridan’s yard and shot it.  Sheridan ran out to find several officers with their guns drawn, standing around his lifesize concrete alligator lawn ornament.  A neighbor reported it, and wildlife officials told the cops to kill it if they found it.  The condition of the “victim” was not disclosed, but Sheridan said, “The officer fired two rounds and killed my concrete ornament alligator”.  

- What a croc! 

- Sheridan’s garden gnomes plan to protest outside police headquarters… as soon as they can get someone to pick them up and drive them over. 

- So much for the new alligator purse the cop was planning on having made for his wife’s birthday…

- If you ever are attacked by an alligator, even one made of cement, always remember to serpentine!

This Story's Got Legs... Lots of 'Em!

The director of the horror film”The Human Centipede II” is protesting the banning of the film from the UK by the British Board of Film Classification. The film board claims it poses a “genuine risk” to viewers, saying that the characters are “nothing other than objects to be brutalized & degraded and serve as amusement and arousal of the central character and the audience”. 

- Instead, they’re just going to show “The Concrete Alligator” - which shows cops in Missouri taking out a guys concrete lawn ornament. 

NOTE:  The mention of the word “Centipede” reminded me of the classic joke told to me by my late, great friend Sydney Needleman that we played on the air many times through the years.  Click below to listen and as they say in restaurants… Enjoy! 

“The Lion and the Elephant Joke”

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1934, Donald Duck made his debut in the cartoon, “Wise Little Men”. 

- He worked cheap, but as his popularity grew… so did his bill!  

- Donald soon got in trouble for sending naked sketches of his private parts to several female Ducks, including one known only as “Daisy”. 

BTW… The fabulous Scintas are in town this Friday and Saturday night at the Andiamo Celebrity Showroom in Warren!  For reservations call 586-268-3200.  You’ll never see a more entertaining and funnier show!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick