Commissioner Gordon Called In To Investigate!

NY Rep. Anthony Weiner is still resisting demands from Republicans that he resign and is finding no support from fellow Democrats. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said he wished he could defend Weiner, but he just can’t. Meanwhile, even more embarrassing details emerged Tuesday, as other women he’d allegedly contacted released transcripts of their sexting sessions.  In one, with a sexy Vegas blackjack dealer, Weiner compared himself to Batman, saying he was a “caped-crusader… looking for my sidekick,” adding, “Plus my tights really itch. I need a distraction.”

- He’s “Batman” alright… He likes to send photos of his man-bat to women across the country!

- It takes a big man to admit he wears tights!  

- When Weiner’s wife found out about the “Batman” text, people in the next room heard “BAM!” “POW!” “SLAM!” 

- Actually just like the real Batman, Weiner has a sidekick named “Robin”… But she’s a college co-ed he Twitters in Kansas.  

Porn Star Told To Keep Her Mouth Shut...

TMZ.com claims that Weiner tried to coach ex-porn star “Ginger Lee” to lie about interactions he had with her. At first, he reportedly told Lee in a June 1st email to craft a “short, thought-out statement” to repeat to the press making clear that she doesn’t know him.  The next day he offered her the help of a professional PR type for advice, saying “I can have someone on my team call”, and finally sent her a proposed statement saying she had “nothing to do with the situation” and merely followed him on his Twitter account.

- If anyone knows about “Twittering” it’s a former porn star.

- She never got back to him because she was out partying with Charlie Sheen.

- If you can’t trust an ex-porn star to keep her mouth shut about sex, who can you trust? 

- I for one am glad to know that America’s porn stars are concerned enough about this country to follow a Congresman’s Twitter account! 

Men Harder On Weiner Than Women!

A SurveyUSA poll of New Yorkers found that 46% want Weiner to resign, 41% say he should stay, and 13% are undecided. Men are harsher on him than women.  The pollsters said that 50% of men want Weiner to quit, while only 41% of women agreed that he should throw in the towel.  

- Or in this case, “throw in the underpants”. 

- California Senator Barbara Boxer is expect to make a briefs statement later today.  

Khloe Slow-e To Cover Up

Khloe Kardashian was promoting her new reality show on “Fox & Friends” Tuesday morning, and after she got off the air, she was informed that she had inadvertently exposed her breast… FOR ABOUT FOUR MINUTES! Nobody on the set noticed, but viewers did.  Khloe later tweeted her fans, “I had a nip slip, and I loved it!  My mom just called me saying my nip slip is ‘all over the internet!’”. 

- Hey, at least she was wearing underwear… as far as we know!

- Anthony Weiner immediately called “Fox & Friends” and demanded a guest shot.  He plans on having an “inadvertent” zipper-slipper! 

- How are we expected to “Keep Up With The Kardashians” when they can’t even keep up their own clothing?

With A Name Like "Titanic II"... Who Woulda Sunk It?

A 16-foot cabin cruiser named the Titanic II went the way of her namesake Sunday, when she sprung a leak on her maiden voyage.  Mark Wilkinson of the UK was rescued by the harbormaster as he clung to the rapidly sinking ship.  Wilkinson had just purchased the used boat, named her Titanic II and went out fishing when a large hole opened up in the hull.  Wilkinson says, “It’s all a bit embarrassing - I’m fed up with people asking me if I hit an iceberg.”

- Celine Dion is already in the studio recording her new song, “My Fishing Pole Will Go On”. 

- NOTE TO SELF:  Do not name the Zeppelin that I just bought “The Hindenburg II”. 

Another Psycho Psychic Psych Out!

Yesterday, deputies and FBI agents swarmed into a rural neighborhood in Texas to search a farmhouse after a person claiming to be a psychic told them there was a mass grave full of murder victims under it.  They found nothing.  The alleged psychic later called back to say they had the wrong house.  Back they went, this time to a rental house where they found blood on  the door and a foul odor, but again, no bodies.  A local judge said, “We have to take tips like this very seriously.” 

- They should have known the guy was a fraud when he made the police call him back and charged them $4.99 a minute for the info.  

- On the bright side, he did tell the Police Chief that he was about to come into a lot of money and meet the woman of his dreams.  

- He also predicted the world was going to end last May 21st, but has now revised it to October 21st.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1824, Noah Cushing of Quebec patented the washing machine. And on the same day in 1869, Ives W. McGaffery of Chicago patented the vacuum cleaner. 

- And to this day, they’re the only men in history who have ever used either one.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Weiner In A Pickle!

After a week of blaming a hacker for sending a photo of a his “Oscar Mayer”, in underpants to a college age Twitter follower, NY Rep. Anthony Weiner held a bizarre, tearful press conference Monday to admit he was lying. As most suspected, he admitted that the photo was of him, that he’s the one who sent it, and admitted to having similar chat/photo exchanges with at least six women.  He claims it happened both before and after he married his wife.    

- Weiner choked up when he talked about his wife, and she tried to choke him when she found out what he’d done.  

- You know what they say about politics: “It’s a game of inches”.  No wait… that’s football. 

- “Weinergate” is in full schwing… I mean, swing! 

NEW YORK POST HEADLINE:  “Erections Have Consequences”

"Weiner-ing!"

Even after admitting he blatantly lied and did something dumb and morally reprehensible, Weiner insisted that he’d violated no House rules and refused to resign from Congress.  But his fellow Democrats aren’t rallying in support.  Most distanced themselves, and Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi called for an ethics investigation to make sure he didn’t use any government computers for his kinky activities. 

- So basically they’re going to have to check the computers for viruses.  

- I just hope this doesn’t catch on and we ended up seeing a picture of Barney’s Frank.

BONUS AUDIO: When the driver of the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile died several years ago, Big Al delivered a special eulogy honoring his life.  We thought it appropriate to play it now…

An Ode To A Real Weiner…

"Hot Diggity, Dog Diggity... Oh What You Do To Me!"

The New York Daily News reports that Der Kommissar saugage restaurant in Brooklyn tried to cash in on the scandal by offering a lunch special called “Anthony’s Weiners.”  It’s two beef hots dogs on French bread brushed with olive oil, with sauerkraut and a pickle on the side.  Customers laughed but hardly any one ordered it.  The owner said, “We talked about serving the special on a bed of underwear, but we didn’t know what the reaction would be to that.”

- I do.  “Yuck!”

- I hope they served it with condom-ments!

- Why two hot dogs?  Is there something else Anthony isn’t telling us?  

- They prepared the hots dogs in a special way:  First they were steamed, then grilled.  

"And Now The Breast Of The Story..."

The Bristol, England branch of Hooters is being investigated over claims that it’s violating a licensing agreement banning entertainment inappropriate for children.  The Hooters is accused of holding a waitress bikini contest while kids were present  and allegedly hosting a birthday party for a 12-year-old boy and his friends that included a cake shaped like breasts.  Over 900 Britons have signed an online petition demanding that the Hooters be closed. 

- In their defense, the “Breast Cake” was wearing a training bra made out of frosting. 

- This gives a whole new meaning to the usual kid’s birthday treat:  “The Bouncy House”. 

- Even the boy’s mom signed the petition… but for some reason his dad didn’t.  

One Of The "Perks" Of Being Katie!

Former CBS Evening News Anchor and NBC “The Today Show” co-host Katie Couric is jumping networks again. This time she’s signed a multi-million dollar deal with ABC to host a daytime talk show.  Insiders say the show will be “topical with a scaled-back celebrity” element. 

- In other words, Tom Cruise will be invited as a guest but he won’t be allowed to jump on her couch. 

- Execs hope “The Katie Couric Show” will fill the void left by Oprah’s departure… and let’s face it, that’s a pretty big void! 

- And instead of giving away cars, Katie will give every woman in the audience “some perkiness!”

Hitler Voted Least Funny German Of All!

The London-based social networking site Badoo.com surveryed 30,000 people in 15 countries to pick the most and least funny nationalities.  American were chosen as the funniest people in the world.  The least funny people of all:  the Germans.  They were followed by Russians, Turks, Brits and suprisingly, Americans.  

- Americans wouldn’t have scored so high on the “funny” list but all the French people in the survey assume we’re all like Jerry Lewis.

- The German’s idea of funny is:  “Knock Knock”.  “Who’s there?”.  “The Germans, and we’re here to invade your country!”

Happy Birthday!

Singer Tom Jones turns 71 today.

I once emceed a show starring Tom down at the old Olympia Stadium.  As I recall the opening act was Gladys Knight.  After her performance, I had to go on stage and announce that there would be a 20 minute intermission before Tom Jones came on.   You haven’t lived until you’ve had 16,000 screaming women booing and throwing things at you.  And trust me, they weren’t women’s panties!  They were saving those for Tom!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

D-Day: June 6, 1944! 67 Years Ago Today.

It’s D-Day.  On this day in 1944, American, British and Canadian troops stormed the beaches of Normandy, France and began an eleventh month march to Berlin.  This seaborne invasion, one of the great battles in history, cost thousands of lives, but ultimately led to freedom for the world.   

"Gee Your Hair Smells Guilty!"

Friday, former Senator and presidential candidate John Edwards was indicted on six federal charges relating to hundreds of thousands of dollars given by a campaign donor used to cover up his affair with his baby mama and mistress, Rielle Hunter.  He pleaded not guilty after refusing a plea deal that would have forced him to serve six months in prison.  So it’s off to trial.  Edwards claims that as awful as his behavior was, he broke no laws. 

- Vows, yes.  Laws, no.  

- I understand why he doesn’t want to go to prison… they don’t let inmates have blow-dryers!

- If he does go to the hooscow, he’s a shoe-in for “Prison Prom Queen”!

- Apparently he misunderstood… The donations were intented to help him get Elected not Erected!

Obama's Toledo Torpedo!

Last week First lady Michelle Obama introduced the USDA’s new “food plate” that shows the proper portions of each food group as part of her healthy eating campaign.  Then USA Today reported that the very next day President Obama stopped for lunch at “Rudy’s Hot Dog” restaurant during a visit to an auto plant in Toledo. His order:  Two chili dogs with mustard, onions, and cheese, plus French fries and an extra bowl of chili. 

- He was just proving that you can get a full tank of gas for under 5 bucks!

- The Prez. claims he was just trying to save jobs… one for the waitress and one for the cook. 

- It would have been hailed as a patriotic gesture if only he’d come to Detroit and gone to the “American Coney Island”!  

- He’s going to get a “chili” reception from Michelle when he gets home! 

Hacking al Qaeda A Piece of Cake?

Hackers working for the UK spy agency MI6 managed to infiltrate an online al Qaeda magazine called Inspire. Among the articles they hacked was a downloadable document called “Make a Bomb in the Kitchen of Your Mom,” with directions on how to make bombs using household ingredients like sugar.  The MI6 hackers replaced it with recipes from Ellen Degenere’s website for Mojito, Rocky Road and Carmel Apple cupcakes. The post was up for 2 weeks before al Queda noticed. 

 

- Al Queda didn’t catch on because Ellen said the recipes “were to die for!”

- If only they’d put up a recipe for “Death by Chocolate” the terrorists never would have figured it out! 

- They actually thought it was a typo and was supposed to read “How to make “CAMEL Apple Cupcakes”

It's Only June... But This Has Got To Be "The Feel Good Story Of The Year!"

Maureen Nyergers and her husband bought a house - WITH CASH - in Florida so they didn’t owe a penny on it. Imagine their surprise when Band of America mistakenly filed forclosure papers on them.  They went to court and the judge ordered the bank to pay their legal fees.  For 5 months, BOA ignored their attorney’s letters and calls so the couple decided to foreclose on the bank.  The lawyer showed up at the BOA branch with deputies and movers, locked the bank manager out of the building and began seizing their assets: desks, chairs, computers, cash drawers and more.  An hour later, the manager was back with a check for their legal fees.  

- If this isn’t the “feel good story” of the year I don’t know what is!

- Of course now Bank of America is going to ask for a Government Bailout to cover the cost of the legal fees.

"Breastaurants" Business Way Up!

Entrepreneur magazine reports that while other restaurants are struggling, those that follow Hooter’s lead in offering sexy young waitresses in skimpy outfits, a big beer selection and big screen TVs are doing great. Hooter’s sales alone are up over the past two years - averaging $1 Billion annually.  The magazine calls this type of establishment “Breastaurants”.  One expert attributes their success to the fact that “they provide a service to men who may not have a person at home to take care of them in the same way.”

- Sounds like McDonald’s needs to “Supersize” the chests of it’s McWorkers instead of the fries! 

- Big Breasts and Big TV’s… They should just open a restaurant called “The Boob Tube”.

- The guys especially like the waitress who serves as the designated “Coat Rack”. 

- And all this time I thought guys went to Hooters for the great chicken wings!

- KFC tried to jump into the market with their “Bucket of Breasts” but it just wasn’t the same.