At last night’s Spike TV Guy Awards, Jennifer Aniston received the “Decade of Hottness Award” and promised to “keep downward-dogging until the fat lady sings”. BTW… “Downward-dogging” is a yoga exercise.
- Then Susan Boyle came out and sang and Jennifer had to stop “downward-dogging”.
- Helen Thomas received the “Decades of Not-Hotness Award” and promised to “keep making Jewish people mad until the fat lady sings”.
James “Marshall Matt Dillon” of Gunsmoke fame passed away on Friday at the age of 88. Ironically he died the same day as Dr. Jack Kevorkian. What makes it ironic? They were also born on the same day.
- And they both thought “Miss Kitty” had killer legs. Arness wanted to sleep with her and Kevorkian wanted to put her to sleep.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
My life has been changed by a duck! I’m not kidding. A momma duck has taken up residence in the front of my home. She located and built her nest in a corner about ten feet to the right of my front door. She’s been parked there for about three weeks now and the exterminator man (no, not a duck exterminator - a bug guy) told me a week ago that she would probably be there for another month. Take a look at the picture below and you’ll understand why we’ve taken to calling her “Octo-Duck Plus Two”. Yup. Ten eggs.
When we first saw the nest, we noticed that every time we opened the front door, momma-duck immediately left the nest and flew away. This of course left the soon-to-be duckings exposed and unattended. Not wanting to endanger them or make their mom mad, we decided to stop using the front door. (Luckily, I noticed that there are other doors in the house that lead to the outside.)
It worked fine for us, but not so much for the unsuspecting delivery guys who both showed up at the front door and said they almost had heart attacks when the well-camouflaged duck suddenly and noisily flew the coop. (She a big girl - lately we’ve been considering changing her name to “Kirstie Alley With Feathers”).
So now we play the waiting game. But not so over at Jackie’s house… Right, Jackie?
Jackie here…
About a week and a half ago, I walked out my front door to go get the mail. (I’m expecting a large sum of money from a nice man in Nigeria who e-mailed me a while back). But I digress… When I opened the door there was a VERY LOUD noise up and just to the right of my head and some straw-like stuff falling on my hair. Slightly frightened, my first thought was to run back in the house and call my dad. NOT. (He’s really good at a lot of things - but I wouldn’t exactly call him a”first-responder”).
Instead, I just looked up and much to my surprise, saw a beautifully sculpted bird’s nest sitting atop my front porch light. Obviously, Momma-bird wasn’t too thrilled by my arrival. So, I quickly and quietly went back inside and, realizing that I had other doors that lead to the outside (must be genetic), I decided not to use the front door for the duration.
But before long, curiosity got the better of me. I went outside through the garage, and as steathily as a member of SEAL Team 6, I approached my front porch, armed with my cell phone. I hid in the bushes until the bird took off. Then I made my move. With the nest up too high for me to see what was inside, I held my cell phone over my head and took a couple blind shots. Then I ran (like a chicken) back through the garage and into the house to see what I’d gotten.
And there they were… 4 incredible blue robins eggs. (I guess that’s where the name for the color “Robin’s Egg Blue” came from. Who knew?)
Now flash forward to this morning. I looked out the front window and noticed that the momma-bird was flying back and forth with something suspiciously worm-like hanging from her beak. A-ha! The stork must have made a delivery to the robin!
I went back into Special Op’s mode, grabbed my camera and got some video. It’s only 14 seconds, but I think it’s pretty cool!
On behalf of Dad and me… have a great weekend and we’ll see you back here Monday!
New York Rep. Anthony Weiner’s mouth just keeps digging him deeper into trouble. A female college student who was sent a photo of a “happy little congressmen” in boxer briefs through Weiner’s Twitter account insists she’s never even met Weiner, and he claimed it was a prank by a hacker. It might’ve ended there, but to the amazement of political insiders, he’s kept the story alive for nearly a week with combative press conferences in which he calls a reporter “jackass” and refused to request a formal investigation. Yesterday, he fanned the flames by insisting he didn’t send the lewd photo but that he “can’t say with certitude” that the photo isn’t of him.
- Why don’t they just ask Mrs. Weiner?
- Bill Clinton is thanking his lucky stars that “Twitter” hadn’t been invented when he was President.
- Reporters are calling this “The Battle of The Bulge”… without the Germans.
- If nothing else, the picture proves Congressman Weiner is a stand-up guy.
- If his political career fizzles, he can always join “Up With People”.
- Is it just me or does Mr. Weiner seem to be “relishing” the media coverage?
Mayor… Convict… Author! That’s right, The Kwamster has written an alleged tell-all memoir called “Surrendered: The Rise, Fall & Revelation of Kwame Kilpatrick”. The book won’t ship until late in July, but you can pre-order your copy NOW for just $26.95 at www.kwamekilpatrickbook.com. The website claims that Kwame will spill all the beans about his wife, his mistress, EVERYTHING. In short, Kwame says he will tell the truth.
- And of course I for one totally believe him!!!!!
- I was going to pre-order a copy of the book, but after my monthly household expenses, I only have $6 left.
The book may have to be a best seller for him to make any money. Under state law, Kilpatrick can’t profit from the memoir until his restitution and incarceration costs to the city are repaid. He still owes about $900,000 of the $1 million he agreed to pay after the text message scandal.
- If my math is right, that means he needs to sell 33,395 copies of the book just to pay off what he owes… In that case he should have called the book, “Harry Potter and the Adulterer’s Texts”.
A new survey by a travel company found that men and women have very different packing habits when it comes to going on vacation. For instance, men actually use 98 percent of the clothes they pack for a trip, while women use an average of only 62 percent of the stuff they take. 
And women will pack 10 pair of underwear for a a 7-day vacation, while men only take 3. Men say they figure they’ll wear swim trunks most of the time, or just do laundry if they need clean underwear.
- Men say they don’t do laundry at home! Why would they do it on vacation?
- The one exception was a “Mr. A. Weiner” who packed twenty pair of underwear and an extra cell phone to Twitter.
Eric Echales of Sarasota, Florida, was arrested Monday after he was allegedly spotted beside a road, dancing naked while listening to his iPod. He told a deputy that he “wanted to feel free.” Police believe alcohol may have been involved.
- Or maybe he was on day eight of his vacation and he’d run out of clean underwear.
- Question: Where did he clip-on his iPod?
- When I want to feel free, I just wear sandals with no socks.
According to a UN report on the enforcement of sanctions against North Korea, back in 2010 Italy foiled a plot to sneak a shipment of Italian luxury goods out of the nation and into North Korea. They blocked the shipment at the Milan Airport. The contents: Several dozen pair of high-quality tap-dancing shoes. A UN spokesman said that dictator Kim Jong Il is known to order lavish stage performances, but it’s not clear what he planned to do with the tap-shoes.
- I’d say he was going to eat them, but with their penchant for eating dog meat, he would have ordered “Hush Puppies”.
- Maybe he just wanted them for the new North Korean Reality Show “So You Think You Can Tap Dance”.
- Authorities knew the shoes were ordered by Kim Jong Il when they noticed they all had lifts in them.
- Kim’s new nickname is “Mr. Bo-Jung-les”.
It took three years, but yesterday, the California Medical Board finally voted to yank the license of Beverly Hills fertility doctor Michael Kamrava. The decision was based on three cases - the most famous being that of Nadya “The Octomom” Suleman. Kamrava was accused of gross negligence and incompetence for implanting a dozen embryos into Suleman instead of sending her for a mental health exam. The ruling goes into effect July 1st.
- So if you’re looking to start a family with say, a dozen kids all at once there’s still time!
- After July 1st, Dr. Kamrava plans on opening the “Beverly Hills Super-Sized Breast Implant Clinic”.
- In related news… The Stork is suing Kamrava for injuries sustained during the Octomom deliveries.
On this date in 1928, Draft’s Velveeta Cheese was introduced.
- And the next day, the first cholesterol drug, “Velveeta-tor” hit the market.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!
-Dick
It’s June 1st… and I don’t care what the calendar says, it’s SUMMER! So…
It’s time to get out the black socks and sandals!
Wednesday night, Sarah Palin took time out from her bus tour to accept a last-minute dinner invitation from Donald Trump. The two met at his Manhattan Penthouse, then went out for a Pizza. 
For the record, she ate with her hands while “The Donald” used a fork. Palin said the two had a lot in common. As for whether he’d back Palin for President, Trump said, “She’s a great woman, a terrific woman and and terrific friend. I’d love her to run…”
- … as his Vice President.
- Donald had pepperoni and cheese while Sarah had the three meat combo: Elk, Moose and Caribou.
- Palin did comment afterwards that Trumps ego is so big… she can see it from her house!
New York Congressman Anthony Weiner got testy Tuesday when asked about the lewd photo sent from his Twitter account and has hired a lawyer to help him figure out what to do. The photo, which showed a man’s bulging underpants was posted on Friday and sent to a female college student in Seattle. Weiner claims someone hacked into his account and posted the photo. Weiner is married to an aide of Hillary Clinton.
- Bill Clinton denies responsibility for the hacking, saying “Since that whole Monica thing I’m done twittering around!”
- The college girl says she likes Weiner, but had no idea he was “tweet” on her.
- Weiner says he’s tired of the distraction and wants to concentrate on the important work of not solving the national debt crisis.
A Norwegian organization is using pornography to save the planet. The grou “F—- For Forest” or “FFF” has about 1300 members worldwide who take pictures of themselves having sex outdoors, then sell them on the internet with the proceeds going to save trees. They say they’ve raised $345,000 since 2000 and that “Saving the planet is sexy, so why not get turned on for a good cause?”.
- Some members admit to using Viagra. They’re the ones having sex in front of the weeping willows.
- Question: If a couple has sex in the woods and nobody’s there to see it, did they make any noise?
- Finally! A group who can answer the eternal question, “Does a Bear really, well, you know, in the woods?”
- I’m all for saving the trees, but I’m not gonna risk getting a splinter in my butt to do it!
An analysis of government records by iWatch News found that since President Obama took office, the number of limousines owned by the government for officials’ use has increated by 73% to 412. All this during a budget crisis. But the General Services Administration replied that there’s no precise government definition of a “limo” and that today’s officials need big, armored limos because of increased threats against them.
- Those threats coming from angry taxpayers who are sick of the government wasting money.
- Meanwhile the officials have come up with a way to raise the debt ceiling… they’re just gonna open the sunroofs on all the limos!
The UN’s executive secretary on biodiversity claims that young people’s fascination with electronic gadgets, video games, TV and the internet is keeping them from learning about nature - and the need to protect it. He said studies show kids spend 95% of their free time on TV and computers and only 5% outdoors. He said, “They don’t see how a potato is grown. They just see potatoes on a shelf in the supermarket”.
- No they don’t! They’re in the car listening to their iPod while their mom is in the store looking at the potatoes!
- Doesn’t “Farmville” on Facebook count?
- I think kids should learn about potatoes the old fashioned way… buy them a plastic “Mr. Potato Head”.
The World Health Organization asked scientists in 14 nations to analyze all of the best studies done on cell phones. Their conclusion: cell phone use is “possibly carcinogenic” to humans.” Users showed an increase in two types of brain cancer but not others and they say it may take decades to really know if cell phones are to blame. But just in case, researchers say it’s best to hold a cell phone a bit away from the body because they work on microwaves, and just as microwave ovens cook food, a cell phone might be cooking your brain.
- In just a quarter of the time it would take to cook it in a conventional oven!
- They also noted that you should turn around in circles while talking on your cell so your brain will cook evenly.
- Apple jumped all over the news: “Want to remember to keep your cell phone a few inches away from your ear? There’s an App for that!”
On this day in 1495, the first written record of Scotch Whiskey appeared in the Exchequer Rolls of Scotland. It was created by Friar Jon Cor.
- And was served the very next night at a Friar’s Club Roast of Henny Youngman.
- After the roast, Henny reached into his satchel, pulled out a sketch of two bottles of household cleaners and asked if anybody wanted to see a picture of his Pride and Joy.
Have a great SUMMER day… and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
Luke Fickell will wear the sweater vest…
- The only downside I see to this is we’re going to have to re-record “Liquidate Ohio State”… AGAIN!
Meanwhile… Iran is trying a new way to censor the Internet by creating a “national internet” that would disconnect Iran from the rest of the world. Surfers would be able to connnect only Iranians sites that uphold strict Islamic moral codes.
- If you Google “Hot Men”… you get thousands of pictures of Mahmoud Achmadinejhad.
- They do have a dating website for those not looking for a long term commitment… it’s called eSuicideBombers.com
- There’s also a social networking site for women called “Wear-a-Burka-To-Cover-Your-Facebook”.
China’s Golf Association is making some changes to women’s golf, but they’re proving controversial. CGA VP Wang Liwei said, “Women’s golf is not all about competition. It’s also about fresh air, beautiful scenes and the young and dynamic girls.” To stress this, players are being asked to wear brightly colored skirts, participate in beauty contests, and pose in bikinis by a pool to promote a tournament.
- Tigers Woods said, “Just Do It!”
- Of course since this is China, the “women” golfers are all really eleven years old.
- The “bikinis by the pool” thing actually got a round of applause from male golfers. A very polite round of applause…
- And in China’s version of “The Masters” for women, the winner gets to put on the coveted “Green Teady”.