Obama "Pyramid Scheme"???

After generations of kids learning the “food pyramid,” the Obama Administration is about to replace it with the “food plate”.  The new chart will resemble a round dinner plate, sliced into wedges to represent reasonable proportions of fruits, veggies, grains and proteins.  There’s also a smaller circle next to the plate representing a glass of milk or a cup of yogurt for dairy. Nutritionists have long claimed the “food pyramid” was confusing. 

- Most people will just think it means we’re supposed to eat a lot of pizza.  

- Personally I don’t care what the food plate contains as long as the plate’s big enough.  

- The plate shows fruits, veggies, grains and proteins. Where’s the most important part… the dessert? 

Pediatricians Warn Against Bull S---!

The journal Pediatrics is urging children and teens to stay away from energy drinks like Red Bull and sports drinks like Gatorade.  Pediatricians say the drinks are filled with caffeine and other stimulants that are bad for kids systems.  They added that even teenagers don’t need anything more than plain water to hydrate them, unless they’re engaged in vigorous physical activity.

- Like having sex with one of their teachers.  

- Hey I disagree.  The Lions have consumed Gatorade for years and look what it’s done for them!  

"Hello, My Name Is David And I'm A Sausage-a-holic..."

A London man, David Harding has an unusual monkey on his back:  he’s addicted to sausages, or “Bangers” as the British call them.  He easts 13 sausages a day and spends over $1000 a year on them.  He says he realized he “might have a problem” when his wife made something different for dinner and he “went a bit mad”. Harding has spent $3000 on counseling and hypnosis to try to break his sausage habit, but says he still can’t imagine life without them.   

- The British Call them “Bangers” because when you fall over dead from all the cholesterol and fat it makes a loud “banging” sound.

- Instead, British doctors are trying to switch him to something more healthy… like Fish ‘n Chips. 

- His wife is trying to help… She won’t let him “Banger” anymore.  

Think You're Hot? Think Again!

According to a new book, “The Big Tilt”, there is a new mental disorder affecting middle-aged men.  The author claims that there are 15% fewer single men in their 40’s than women, so the few available men are being fiercely persued.  The result?  “Hotness Delusion Syndrome” - the belief that they are more sexually appealing than they really are. According to the book, a 44-year-old single guy “receives a lot of attention because he’s the only thing going around.  He can be balding and paunchy, but this is not what he sees in the mirror.  He see nothing less than trim, taut and, so he is told, terrific!”

- After the spring we’ve had, I suffered from “Hot Delusion Syndrome” on Memorial Day when the Temperature hit 90!  

The Government Gone A-Stray...

Rosemary Atherton of England saw a stray dog in her backyard, so she called the city to come take it to the pound.  Five days later, she received a form in the mail asking her to describe the alleged stray, including what street she believed it to live on, what time of day she was most likely to see it, and which category best described the mutt:  “lost,” “neglected,” “living wild,” “on it’s way somewhere,” or “having a bit of fun”. A dog catcher finally showed up- 13 days later - but by then the dog was long gone.   

- The city borrowed this idea from the Obama Health Care Plan.  

- In fact they call it “O-bark-a-care”.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1678, Lady Godiva rode naked through Coventry, England to protest high taxes.  

On this date in 2010, Lady Gaga rode naked through Coventry, England… just because it was part of her act.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Memorial Day: A Tribute To The Fallen In Words and Pictures

Arlington National Cemetery Memorial Day Weekend 2011. Photo by Jill Purtan

Over my last few years on the air, I recited the following poem every Memorial Day Weekend in honor and in memory of the brave men and women who made the Ultimate Sacrifice defending the freedom and liberty we are so lucky to enjoy in this country.

The poem, “The Inscription”, was sent to us by a listener, Paul Reside.  

Paul’s Grandmother, Annabelle Gunnett Jones wrote it around 1932.  The poem had been printed in the Perry County, Ohio newspaper for a number of years on “Decoration Day”, or as we know it today - “Memorial Day”. Annabelle was inspired to write the poem by her husband, a WWI Veteran, as a tribute to the Unknown Soldier.

As you enjoy your Memorial Day, I encourage you to take a moment to share “The Inscription” with your family and friends.  Let it serve as a reminder to us all of the gratitude owed the brave men and women of our Armed Forces who have laid down their lives so that we may live ours.  

Just click on the underlined link below to hear me reading the words written nearly 80 years ago - that still resonate today.  I’ve also posted a few photos of Arlington National Cemetery taken this weekend by my daughter Jill.

Have a safe (and hopefully dry) Memorial Day! 

- Dick 

“THE INSCRIPTION” - By Annabelle Gunnett Jones

A View From Above… Arlington National Cemetery, Memorial Day Weekend 2011 Photo by Jill Purtan

Guarding the Tomb Of The Unknown Soldier - Memorial Day Weekend 2011. Photo by Jill Purtan

A Flag For Every Fallen Hero - Memorial Day Weekend 2011. Photo by Jill Purtan

Gone But Never Forgotten - Memorial Day Weekend 2011. Photo by Jill Purtan

Memorial Day Weekend 2011: Don't Forget to Remember...

As we head into the long Memorial Day weekend, the “unofficial” start of summer, I’m thinking about those people who won’t be firing up the barbeque and getting together with family and friends.  The wicked weather that has battered so much of the country this week has left thousands of people with nothing but the shirts on their backs.  In Joplin, Missouri, alone - well over a hundred people were killed when a monster Tornado decimated their town in a matter of minutes.  As of this writing there are 232 men, women and children still missing and the death toll is expected to rise. Meanwhile, the Mississippi River has flooded out thousands of homes and miles of farmland from Illinois to Louisiana. It seems we’ve been under attack - but this week, the “enemy” has been Mother Nature.   

But no matter where the attack originates, we are AMERICANS and that means that no matter what or who we face, our Homeland Security Alert System is permanently set on RED, WHITE & BLUE.

If you would like to help those in need go to www.redcross.org or www.salvationarmyusa.org.  

#####

Over my last few years on the air approaching Memorial Day Weekend, I recited the following poem in honor and in memory of the brave men and women of the Military who have laid down their lives that we may live ours.

Annabelle Gunnett JonesThat poem, “The Inscription”, was sent to me by a listener, Paul Reside. Paul’s Grandmother, Annabelle Gunnett Jones, penned it around 1932. The poem was picked up and published in the the Perry County, Ohio newspaper for a number of years on “Decoration Day”, or as we know it today - “Memorial Day”.

Annabelle was inspired to write the poem by her husband, a World War I Veteran, as a tribute to the Unknown Soldier. 

I hope you will share “The Inscription” with your family and friends.  In these turbulent times, it is imperative that we never forget the sacrifice our men and women in uniform have made, and continue to make today, so that we may live in freedom.  

Just click on the underlined link below to hear me reading the words written so long ago… that still resonate today.   

“The Inscription” by Annabelle Gunnett Jones 

Have a safe Memorial Day Weekend… and God Bless America!

-Dick 

Great Scott-y!

Last night American Idol wrapped up the season by picking 17-year-old retro country crooner Scotty McCreery as the winner.  Scotty is the 4th guy in a row to take the American Idol crown. 

- As expected, Steven Tyler beat out J-Lo in the first ever “Julia Roberts’ Lips Look-a-Like” competition.  

Another Government Official Full Of Hot Air...

Wednesday, US Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood unveiled new fuel-economy window stickers for cars and trucks.  He declared, “We’re not just sitting around wating for high gasoline prices to come down.” BTW… He arrived at the event in a big, black SUV that gets just 12 miles to the gallon.  

- Your government at work!

- The stickers read: “I Heart Gas!”… They got the idea from Big Al who for years has had a bumper sticker on his car reading: “I HAVE Gas!”

ATTENTION MEN: DO NOT SMILE

A new study claims to have found out what facial expression most attracts the opposite sex. Subjects were shown photos and asked to rate each one for sexual attractiveness.  Turns out women were most attracted to guys who looked serious and brooding, the James Dean “bad boy” type whose expressions hint that they’ve done something wrong and are a little ashamed.  What women do not find attractive is men who smile and look happy. Researchers think a big smile may make men look too feminine or too desperate for sex.  Men are the exact opposite:  They’re most attracted to women who smile…   

- … and have really big boobs!

- This explains why Leonardo da Vinci just wasn’t that into Mona Lisa.  

- So guys… try to look like you’ve done something wrong.  Or, to make it easier, just do something wrong and the look will come naturally! 

Congratulations! It's a...?

Kathy Witterick and David Stocker of Toronto sent out a birth announcement for their baby “Storm” that omits the baby’s gender.  They want to let Storm pick his or her own gender as a tribute to “freedom and choice”. Their two older kids, Jazz and Kio are both boys, but they have pink hair and sometimes wear dresses.  The mom wants a world “where people can make choices to be whoever they are”.  Her husband added, “If you really want to get to know someone, you don’t ask what between their legs.”

- No… you become a TSA agent and FEEL what’s between their legs! 

- “Jazz”, “Kio” and “Storm”… They don’t sound like boys or girls.  They sound like types of cars. 

- There will come a day when Storm will find out if he/she’s a girl.  Period.  

- Ironically, Chastity Bono is Jazz and Kio’s Godmother, now Chaz Bono is Storms Godfather.  

Nazi Snoop Dogs?

The Nazis did a lot of insane things, but the author of a new book, “Amazing Dogs” unearthed some obscure periodicals that show Hitler thought dogs were nearly as smart as humans and tried to train them to talk, read and spell to help the war effort.  Nazi officials sent dogs to a special school where they were taught to tap out signals and letters with their paws and to “talk” to their SS masters. One dog reportedly could type and knew about religion and poetry, while another allegedly said, “Mein Fuhrer” when asked who Adolf Hitler was.  

- Hitler was hoping to use them in the Nazi Luftwaffe Air Force to be used in dogfights but the dog pilot kept sticking his head out the window during training.  

- They ended up with puppies at the school after a German Sheppard tried to enter a French Poodle and the poodle surrendered.  

- The program didn’t work because when the dogs gave the “Hitler Salute” they fell over.   

- If the dogs were so smart why didn’t they kill Hitler?   

Now Everyone Can Be A "High" Roller In Vegas!

A developer plans to build a 500-foot Ferris wheel that will provide rotating, unobstructed views of the Las Vegas strip.  It would have 40 gondolas that could hold up to 25 people each, and be rentable for private parties and catering. That’s up to 1000 people on the ride at any given time! It’s so big, the FAA had to approve the lighting so airplanes in the area wouldn’t run into it.  

- This sounds like the perfect way to end it all after losing all your money at the casino!  

- There are several proposed names for the ride, including “The Barf-i-tola” , “The Sick-O-Rama” and “The Wheel of Vomit”.  

- Each gondola will come with complimentary dramamine and air-sick bags.  

Happy Birthday!

Jack Kevorkian is 83 today!  

- At this age Jack has mellowed out and is just giving people Helium to hear them talk like Mickey Mouse.   

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

"The Big O" Says Goodbye...

Today marks the end of an era in television… After 25 years Oprah Winfrey will broadcast her last show this afternoon.  

- So starting tomorrow, if women want to experience “The Big O”, they’ll have to watch cable… just like the men do! 

- Oprah will reportedly announce her last “Big Surprise”… She had a love child with Arnold Schwartzenegger! 

The Mirror Ball On The Right Is The Actual Trophy!

Last night, Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Hines Ward beat Kirstie Alley to win “Dancing With The Stars”.  She may have lost the trophy… but she also lost a lot of weight.  The seamstresses had to take 36 inches of material out of the dress she wore last night - the same one she wore on the first episode.  

- Hines lost weight too… When returns to the Steelers, he’ll create a new position on the team… the “Not-So-Wide Receiver”.  

- Ironically, despite losing all that weight Kirstie Alley will take over Hines old position on the team as Wide Receiver.

Arnold Stars In "The Gropes Of Wrath"...

Arnold Schwarzenegger is having one bad day after another.  Not only has his wife Maria hired a top divorce lawyer who could demand a $100 million settlement, but his former housekeeper and baby mama has reportedly lawyered up as has at least one other mistress.  

- Arnold’s gonna end up broke!  But you’ll still be able to recognize him - he’ll be the homeless guy with the sign reading “Will Grope for Food”. 

- His movie “True Lies” is being re-released… this time as a documentary.  

Who Knew?

There’s been a lot of speculation about how the story of his secret love child hit the news.  TMZ.com claims it was his own wife who blew the whistle on him.  They say Maria was “hysterical” when she found out about the child and was so furious she wanted to hold a press conference.  But friends convinced her to leak it quietly to the L.A. Times and TMZ instead. Maria vehemently denies the report. 

- When Arnold heard that Maria ratted him out, he immediately “unfriended” her on Facebook.

- Boy!  If you can’t trust your own wife to keep your secrets, who can you trust?  

"God Save The Pippa?"

President Obama seems to be having a series of brain glitches in London. Yesterday, he started to toast the Queen without waiting for “God Save The Queen” to start, and the orchestra cut him off in mid-sentence.  

- In all fairness he was distracted because he had just heard that Pippa Middleton had just entered the room wearing that tight white Bridesmaid’s dress she wore at the wedding.  

Earlier in the day, Obama signed the guest book at Westminster Abbey and for some reason he dated it, May 24, “2008”. 

- In all fairness he was distracted because he had just heard that Pippa Middleton had just entered the Abbey wearing that tight white Bridesmaid’s dress she wore at the wedding.