Good Night John Boy!

The media is reporting that the Justice Department has decided to seek an indictment of former Senator and VP candidate John Edwards for violating campaign finance laws to cover up his affair with his baby mama, Reille Hunter.  Edwards is now considering his few options, including a guilty plea to a lesser charge.   

- John might be moving from his 28,000 sq. ft. home to a 28 sq. ft. cell!

- He’ll probably spend most of his time in the Prison library reading his favorite magazine… The National Enquirer.  

A Piece Of Cake!

Happy 67th Birthday to Frank Oz, the voice of he Muppet’s “Miss Piggy”… one of few girls in Hollywood that Arnold hasn’t groped… as far as we know!

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here Thursday!

- Dick

Obama's Visit To Ireland: It's All Here In Black and Green!

Many Americans might be surprised to know that President Obama has Irish roots, but he was in Ireland Monday to celebrate them.  His father was Kenyan, but his mother was Irish-American.  Obama had a pint of Guinness, listened to fiddle-music, and visited with his “cousins” in the tiny town of Moneygall, where his great-great-great-grandfather used to be a shoemaker before heading to the US to seek a better life in 1850.  

- Donald Trump immediately demanded to see a receipt from Obama’s great-great-great-Grandfather’s Shoe Shop.

- It’s must be in the genes, because his great-great-great-grandfather left because Moneygall ran out of money!  

Obama’s visit to Ireland reminded me of a song we played a few years back on St. Patrick’s Day.  It’s by the Corrigan Brothers.  Enjoy!

OBL's Wives Knives Each Other In Back!

Pakistani officials claim Osama Bin Laden’s widows are turning against each other.  One is 62, one 54, and his latest wife is still in her 20’s.  The older ones reportedly blame the young one for leading US intelligence to him by either tipping them off or letting herself be followed. One official said, “It’s vicious”.  

- Hollywood has already jumped on the story… they’ve hired Bette Midler and Goldie Hawn to play the older women in the new movie, “The First and Second Wives Club”. 

- The older women are just jealous because the 20-something wife looks so much hotter in a burka.  

The report indicates that the older women have resented the young Mrs. Bin Laden ever since he married her in 2000 when she was just 17.  Even OSB’s mom reportedly yelled at him about that.  The officials say the joke in Pakistan is that after five years cooped up with three wives and a dozen kids, Osama called the CIA himself to give away his own location.  

- It wasn’t so much the wives, it was having three mothers-in-law moving in that pushed him over the edge. 

- Apparently Osama’s mom actually likes the youngest wife… she was just mad she had to pay for another rehearsal dinner.  

- The women wouldn’t talk until they were offered roles on the new hit show, “The Real Housewives of Abbottabad”!

Big Night For Big Girl!

Tonight’s the big night on DWTS when the winner of this season’s competition will be announced.  Last night, Pittsburgh Steeler Hines Ward and Disney star Chelsea Kane tied with nearly perfect scores.  Kirstie Alley’s dances - which included some lifts - got lower scores but praise from the judges. Some odds-makers are saying the 60 year-old Alley is the “sentimental favorite” and could end up the winner. 

- If Kirstie doesn’t win, she’s announced she’s just going to transfer over to NBC’s “The Biggest Loser”.   

- If she loses the big prize, at least she’ll still be big.  

Too Many Prisoners Gotta Go!

Monday, the Supreme Courts agreed with 5-4 with the ACLU that California’s prisons are unconstitutionally overcrowded and ordered the state to release 46,000 inmates over the next two years unless they fix the system.  They say conditions are “inhumane” like 700-strong waiting lists to see a doctor and 54 inmates sharing one toilet.  In a furious dissent, Justice Antionin Scalia called it outrageous and absurd, and said “terrible things” are sure to happen when 46 thousand “happy go lucky felons” are let loose on the streets.  

- I’d say the first thing that’s gonna happen is they’re going to find a restroom!

- 46 thousand convicted felons set free… what could possibly go wrong?   

- OJ’s now wishing he’d been convicted of killing his wife in California.  He’d be scot free instead of rotting in a Nevada prison.  

- So basically, Lindsay Lohan can now do anything she wants without any fear of going to jail!  

The Kiss You Missed...

You may have watched every moment of Sunday night’s Billboard Music Awards, but you still didn’t see everything that took place.  In a near repeat of the infamous Madonna and Britney Spears kiss during the 2003 MTV Video Awards that got worldwide attention, at Sunday’s show Rihanna planted a big kiss on Britney during their duet on the song “S&M”. But just before the big moment, the director cut away to a shot of the audience.

- Those who saw it live said that while Rhianna seemed really into the kiss, Britney just lip-synced it.  

- To make up for it, the director showed Justin Bieber kiss his mom backstage.   

He's Not Only Nuts, He's Invisible!

Monday, radio evangelist Harold Camping finally faced the music… and the press… about his second failed Rapture prediction.  He insisted his math wasn’t wrong, he was just wrong in his interpretation “of how May 21st would play out”. Camping said he was wondering what was going on when nothing happened, but he now knows that Saturday was an “invisible judgement,” and revised his end-of-the-world date to October 21st. 

- By “invisible judgement” he meant that he wanted to become invisible so people wouldn’t make fun of his clear lack of judgement. 

- He also admitted that the batteries were running low on the secret decoder ring he used to calculate the dates in the Bible. 

- A lot of his followers are mad having maxed out their credit cards in anticipation of the world ending… including the US Government. 

- Mrs. Camping has often said in the past that she wondered what was going on when nothing happened!

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1844, Samuel F. B. Morse opened America’s first telegraph line by transmitting the phrase, “What hath God wrought!” 

- Harold Camping believes it was a secret Biblical code predicting the end of the world on May, um, October 21st.  

 Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Busier Father's Day Predicted For Arnold!

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s world-rocking admission that he has a 13 year-old son with his family’s longtime housekeeper might be just the tip of the iceberg. Saturday, actress Jane Seymour told CNN that she was “not remotely surprised”.  She said mutual friends claim Arnold has TWO MORE illegitimate children who haven’t surfaced yet.  At least one woman has already told NBC that she’s told “The Terminators” lawyers that she wants a DNA test to prove he’s the father of her 8 year old. 

- Why didn’t Jane tell him about birth control?  After all, she’s “Dr. Quinn… Medicine Woman”! 

- On a happy note, Arnold’s gonna get more Father’s Day gifts than most NBA players!  

- Screenwriters are scrambling to finish the script for his upcoming project, “The Impreg-i-nator”. 

- He could have saved himself so much trouble if he’d just asked Maria to dress up in a Maid’s outfit!

Princess B's Hat... "A Royal Flush?"

The so-called “fashion forward” hat that Princess Beatrice wore to her cousin, Prince William and Kate Middleton’s Royal wedding on April 29th sold for more than $130,000 on e-bay over the weekend.  The Princess will donate all the proceeds to charity.  

- The winning bid came from a “Miss A. Franklin” of Detroit, MI.  

- Websters Dictionary defines “fashion forward” as “Something that is both bizarre and really, really ugly”. 

- NOTE:  Is it just me or does the hat look like an “ode to a toilet seat”? Seriously… There’s the seat, a mini-lid in the middle, then what looks like a roll of toilet paper on top with ribbons of TP coming out on either side!

"Mr. Happy" Gets A New Suit!

A new line of condoms called Naked is billing itself as the world’s most expensive condoms.  They’re $65 per dozen, but CEO Jud Ireland says they’re made of higher quality material and therefore worth it.  His sister Marie added that they also have more visual appeal.  She said, “I’d rather have sex with someone who has a Naked condom.  The guy looks better, I think”.  Their target audience is “edgy, hip and rich”. 

- They’re made of “higher quality material”… unlike the cheap, breakable kind Arnold Schwarzenegger uses. 

- Finally!  What the world needs… a really GOOD LOOKING condom!  

- You can tell which guys buy these… cuz the “ring-mark” is on a really expensive wallet! 

The Day The Music Died...

At the Billboard Music Awards Show last night, Eminem and Justin Bieber were the big winners… with six awards each.  

- And now you know why I retired from radio!

Diddy's New Name A Doozy!

Rapper/producer/entrepeneur Sean Combs has insisted on being called Puff Daddy, Puffy, Puff, P. Diddy and finally Diddy.  Now, he’s announced that he wants to be known as “Swag,” which is short for swagger.  The Urban Dictionary defines that as “How one presents him or her self to the world”.  “Swag” says the name change is in honor of his comeback - but he only wants to be called by the new name for one week.  

- Diddy really have to make a public announcement about this?  

- He was going to go with “Puffy Swag” but thought that sounded too much like a medical condition. 

- Don’t get him confused with Snoop Dogg’s son, “Wag”.  

- Meanwhile, Arnold Schwarzenegger has changed his name to “Pump-You-Up Daddy”.  

New "Celebrity Apprentice" Winner Already "Rich"

Sunday night on NBC, after a full season of over-the-top drama from Meatloaf, Star Jones, Gary Busey and other semi-celebs, the two quietest and most polite contestants faced each other in the finale.  At the end, country star John Rich was chosen as Donald Trump’s new “Celebrity Apprentice” over deaf actress, Marlee Matlin.  

- “The Donald” loves the sound of his own voice… I guess he wanted to pick someone who could enjoy it as much as he does.  

- My favorite episode was the one where Star Jones went after Meatloaf with a knife… and fork.  

Ergo Orgy In Budapest A "Bust"!

The Budapest insurance company Ergo is under fire for holding a Roman-style orgy party for it’s top salesmen. The orgy involved 20 prostitutes with red and white wrist bands.  Red meant the woman would do anything for anyone, and white meant they were reserved for the top salesmen and board members.  The women’s arms were stamped to keep track of how many times they’d been “frequented”.  Ergo says the managers and board members responsible no longer work there.  

- Apparently the guy who came up with this idea has seen “Animal House” one time too many!  

- After this party, the best salesmen are going to have to add a health rider to their insurance plan!

- This gives a whole new meaning to “Tramp Stamp”

- When he heard the story, Arnold Schwarzenegger decided to move back to Europe and become an insurance salesmen.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

World Ends Saturday!!!

According to Harold Camping, a Christian radio host with Family Radio, “The Rapture” will occur tomorrow, Saturday May 21st.  “The Rapture” means judgement day for both believers and non-believers, the day when God brings his children up to Heaven and all the rest eventually go to Hell, and the world ends.   

Now, while there seems to be absolutely no proof that the world will end Saturday, I’ve jotted down a “TO-DO TODAY List”…       JUST IN CASE!  

- Cancel haircut.    

- Screw Salmon!  Tonight for dinner it’s a big juicy steak followed by a hot fudge Sundae with full fat ice cream, real whipped cream and sprinkles.  (Hey… it’s the end of the world!)

- Forget my heart… Eat big piece of MILK chocolate instead of DARK chocolate!

- Stop worrying about Middle East Peace and whether Iran has nuclear weapons. (Plus! No more seeing ugly pictures of Quadaffi!)

- Openly admit that I like some of Lady Gaga’s music.  

- Do “Put-On” Call to Kwame Kilpatrick saying Parole Board approved early release.

- Finally rent and watch DVD of “The Kings Speech” and “Police Academy 6” 

- Don’t bother to pick up Cholesterol prescription at drug store. 

- Call Art Van and tell them I won’t being making ANY payments on the Furniture I bought with “no money down and absolutely no payments until 2014!”  

- Don’t have to live with the “unfairness of life” if Kirstie Alley actually wins “DWTS”. 

- Stop worrying about whether Lions’ QB Matthew Stafford’s shoulder will hold up. 

- Watch WWII Hitler Special for the 3000th (and final) time.  

- Stop worrying about how the weather will be during my July 11th Birthday Party.  

- Forget workout! 

- Cancel Red Cross Blood Donation Appt.

- Stop wondering if Detroit will ever “come back”.  

- Return pallet of toilet paper to Costco. 

- Give up stressing over whether U of M will ever beat Ohio State again.   

- Stop worrying about what’s causing pain in thumb.  

- Call-in early vote for American Idol finale. 

- Stop wondering if Arnold Schwarzenegger will be voted Father of the Year.  

- Cancel subscription to “How To Live To Be One Hundred” Magazine.

- Stop worrying when the world will end. And finally…

- Refill Viagra prescription just in case “you CAN take it with you”!

So that’s just a partial list of the things I’ll be doing today, in anticipation of the “End of The World” Saturday.  

P.S. Personally I don’t believe the world will end tomorrow, May 21st,  but it will definitely end at exactly 5pm on May 25th…

WHEN OPRAH FINISHES HER LAST SHOW!   

Have a great weekend… and I “HOPE” to see you back here Monday!

-Dick

Strauss-Kahn Vows To Fight "Naked Gun" Charge!

Late last night, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, “The Great Seducer”, resigned as head of the International Monetary Fund to devote his full energies to fighting the sex charges against him from a hotel maid.  Meanwhile a poll in the Frenchman’s home country found that 57% of the French public believe Strauss-Kahn is the victim of a conspiracy.

- A Vast Right Wing Conspiracy of Hotel Maids.  

- I would have thought he had exhausted his full energies while chasing the maid down the hall in the nude!

- The now-former head of the IMF also announced that he has been named President of another IMF… the “International Maid Fondlers”. 

The Press Has Maid A Huge Mistake!

Strauss-Kahn reportedly plans to claim that his sexual encounter with a New York hotel maid was consensual. But prosecutors say the electronic door lock shows the maid propped the door open when she came into his room, which makes no sense if she was going there to have consensual sex.  

- Strauss-Kahn claims he propped the door open so the room service guy could bring him a sandwich while he was having consensual sex with the maid.  

- Apparently in France, “no” means “oui”. 

- Arnold Schwarzenegger is feeling pretty good about himself… at least his maid agreed to have sex with him!

Russian To Conclusions...

The UFO community was rocked Wednesday by an excerpt from a new book, “Area 51”, a history of the secret military base in Roswell.  The book claims that according to eyewitnesses and previously classified documents, the Roswell saucer crash of 1947 wasn’t space aliens - but Russians.  Apparently Stalin saw how “War of the Worlds” panicked Americans, so he sent mutated children with big heads and eyes who’d been victims of Nazi “Dr.” Joseph Mengele to the US in a secret Russian spy plane.  He hoped to spark fear and panic but the crash was covered up.  The Air Force had no comment, but UFO believers quickly dismissed the story as ridiculous. 

- Then they went back to making their Romulan costumes for the upcoming Star Trek convention. 

- When he heard the story, Lenoard Nimoy’s ears perked right up!

- Since Aliens are supposed to “Poke and Prod” people… I guess this makes Dominique Strauss-Kahn an Alien!