The Prez Has It Made!

President Obama didn’t want to talk about his birth certificate for years, but now that he’s finally released it, his 2012 Presidential campaign is using it as a cash cow.  His website if offering a T-Shirt for $25 that has a pic of the birth certificate on the back and on the front has a photo of Obama with the caption, “Made In The USA”. 

- Donald Trump is demanding half of all the profits.  

- Kenya imagine how much money their going to raise with this?!

- There’s also a new T-Shirt out with Arnold Schwarzeneggers picture on the front, with the caption “Made It With The Maid In The USA”.

Fans Goo-Goo Over Gaga!

Oprah hasn’t even taped her final show yet, and already her power is waning.  Forbes’ new list of the most powerful celebrities of 2011 places - get ready - Lady Gaga at #1, bumping Oprah to #2.  Oprah has more money - she made made $290 million last year compared to Gaga’s $90 million - but the list is also based on influence.  Lady Gaga has 32 million Facebook fans and 10 million Twitter followers.  Forbes’ says that makes her the Queen of Social Media. 

- Oprah’s response?  “Gaga me with a spoon!”

- I just hope the two never end up on the Letterman show together… I can hear it now, “Oprah, Gaga.  Gaga, Oprah”.

- In an effort to increase her popularity, Oprah is going to wear a meat dress during her final broadcast.  

- Actually Oprah and Lady Gaga have a lot in common… Oprah gives away free cars and Lady Gaga gives away free STD’s!

Something's "Up" In Virginia...

Montgomery county, Virginia is facing higher taxes and cuts in services due to a $300 million budget shortfall, so some people think they shouldn’t be spending $400,000 a year providing government workers with free Viagra.  But council memebers defended the cost, saying they shouldn’t pick which prescription drugs to cover and that this is a “quality of life” issue. 

- Talk about screwing the tax payers!  

- The council says people can “argue til they’re little blue pill in the face” but they’re not changing their minds. 

JOKE:  Guy goes to pharmacy to buy Viagra.  Asks the clerk “Can I get it over the counter?”.  Clerk says “Take two pills and you can!” 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1536, King Henry VIII’s second wife Anne Boleyn was beheaded after she was convicted of adultery.  

- You gotta give him credit for being honest… Before the wedding Henry told Anne, “If you cheat… heads are gonna roll!”.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

More Details About "The Sperminator"!!!

The Ahhnold Saga justs gets uglier and uglier… RadarOnline reports that Maria Shriver was at dinner with her two daughters, Oprah Winfrey and a few friends, when she got the call that Arnold was going public with the news of his infidelity and “Love Child”.  The woman has now been identified as Mildred “Patty” Baena, the family housekeeper for the last 20 years.  Arnold and the maid allegedly had sex in the Schwarzenegger home during the day while Maria was out.  The affair resulted in the birth of a now 14-year-old-boy, who sources say bears a striking resemblance to “The Terminator”.  

- Arnold says he couldn’t help himself… the maid swept him off his feet - literally!

- Women are known for “cleaning up” before the maid gets there… which really frees the maid up to have sex with the husband!  

- The maid said that Arnold and Maria treated her and her son “like family”.  Apparently there was a good reason for that.  

- Now the boy’s teachers know why at the end of school every day, the boy said, “I’ll be back!”

- He was the only kid in school who could bench press the cafeteria lady!   

"How Do You Solve The Problems Of Maria?"

Oprah and Maria Shriver took a direct shot at Arnold during the taping of the Big O’s final show, to the delight of 20,000 fans.  When Maria walked onstage she declare that Oprah had always given her “love, support, wisdom and most of all the truth.” Oprah backed that up by emphasizing, “THE TRUTH!”  

- Meanwhile, ABC has signed Arnold  for a spin-off of “DWTS” called “_____ing With The Hired Help”.  

Each Car Comes With Heated Seats... Plus An Egg Roll And Wanton Soup!

General Motors is under fire for reportedly helping to sponsor a Chinese propaganda film to celebrate the upcoming 90th anniversary of the Chinese Communist Party. GM signed up Cadillac as the “chief business partner” in producing “The Great Achievement of Founding the Party” set to debut in China in June.  To promote it, Communist officials are being chauffeured around in Cadillac SLSs.  As to why Cadillac is supporting a glowing whitewash of the history of Chinese Communism, Cadillac now sells more cars in China than in the US.  

- That’s because when you buy one Chinese Cadillac you want to buy another one an hour later.  

- GM officials are said to be red in the face.  

- Over there, “GM” stands for…

“General Mao-ters”

Barista Short-Changed!

The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission is suing Starbucks for firing a barista in El Paso becasue she’s a dwarf.  The woman was hired and trained, but when she asked for a stool or small stepladder so she could reach the coffee, she was fired on the grounds that she could be a danger to others.  

- Actually, they just blamed her when the register came up a little short. 

- Why not just let her be in charge of the half-cafs?

- The woman was so furious she was shaking… of course that could have just been from the coffee.  

- She immediately called her best friend - she really needed to Vent-i

Denmark? Wouldn't "Pole-Land" Make More Sense?

With melting Arctic ice exposing new shipping routes and fishing and oil drilling grounds, Denmark is doing something pretty amazing.  The Danish Government is preparing a document to present to the U.N. laying claim to the North Pole. 

- So Santa Claus won’t just look like he EATS a lot of Danish… he’ll actually BE Danish.  

- When they heard the news, the IUOE (International Union of Eskimos) said, “Not so fast…” 

- NATO is also laying claim to the North Pole and, unfortunately for the reindeer, has declared it a “no-fly zone”.

Meet The New "Burger King"...

57-year-old Don Gorske of Fond Du Lac, Wisconsin, broke his own world record yesterday by eating his 25,000th Big Mac.  He eats 2 Big Macs a day and has kept all of the receipts.  Amazingly, he’s in good shape and his cholesterol is fine.  

- He’s in good health but says if he hears “You want fries with that?” one more time, he’s gonna kill himself!

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1980, after sitting dormant for over 100 years, Mount St. Helens in Washington State suddenly erupted.  

- Making a total ash of itself!

Also on this date in 1912 the Detroit Tigers called a strike for 48 hours protesting Ty Cobb’s suspension for assaulting a heckler.  

- This began the Tigers habit of taking too many “called strikes”. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Arnold: MAID in the Shade???

Arnold Schwarzenegger has shocked Hollywood and the political world by admitting that he fathered a child with a member of his and wife Maria Shriver’s household staff.  Just last week, the couple announced they were splitting after 25 years of marriage and now we know why.  Arnold says the child was conceived a decade ago and that he just told Maria about his out-of-wedlock baby earlier this year - when it’s mother quit working for the couple after 20 years.  Neither the name of the baby or it’s mother have been released. 

- So I guess that whole “groping” thing was just what Arnold considers foreplay. 

- He offered her a position with benefits… She got paid and he got the benefits! 

- To be fair, when the woman applied for the job she said she didn’t do windows, but did do other people’s husbands.

I Didn't See That One Comin'! (Yeah, Right!)

Hey!  What a surprise!  Monday Donald Trump announced that he’s NOT running for President.  His statement read, “I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election… However, business is my greatest passion, and I am not ready to leave the private sector.” BTW… Trump is reportedly in negotiations with NBC for a 3-year, $60 million renewal of “Celebrity Apprentice”.  

-  Why don’t they just have all the candidates go on Trumps show… and the only one he doesn’t fire gets to be President! 

- Some skeptics say this was just a publicity stunt to get ratings for his show.  But I say this was just a publicity stunt for him to get ratings for his show.

- Trump was just too nervous he would have to produce his REAL birth certificate showing he was born on the planet Krypton.

Mommy Dearest...

Child Protective Services in San Francisco have taken custody of 8-year-old beauty pageant contestant Britney Campbell after her cosmetic aesthetician mom, Kerry Campbell, admitted on Good Morning America that she gives Britney Botox injections to smooth her facial wrinkles before pageants. The FDA does not allow cosmetic Botox for children.  In the TV interview, Britney said it hurts to get the injections but she was used to the pain. She said, “I just, like, don’t, like, think wrinkles are nice on little girls.”

- And I just, like, don’t, like, think that Britney’s mom is the sharpest knife in the drawer.

- I thought it was cruel when my mom used to make me clean behind my ears!

- The bad news?  Britney’s 9th Birthday party featuring face-painting and liposuction for the kids has been cancelled.  

- On the bright side, Britney’s mom did read to her every night… “Rip Van Wrinkle”.  

- Her mother has big plans for her daughter’s future in showbiz… When she turns twelve she’s having Britney’s name legally changed from “Britney Campbell” to “Britney Botox”. 

She's Got Your Eyes... And A Stupid Name!

Lior and Vardit Adler of Israel said they want their children to have names that aren’t used anywhere else.  So their three kids are named Dvash (Hebrew for Honey”), “Pie”, and their newborn daughter?  “Like” after the “Like” button on Facebook.  Lior says people used to give children Biblical names when the Bible was the icon, and today, Facebook is one of the most famous icons in the world.  

- The couple is hoping to have more kids which they will name, “Friend” and “Unfriend”.  

- What happened to the good old fashioned baby names like “Moon Unit” and “Jermajesty”?

- They were going to name the baby “Google” but her dad thought that was too weird.  

- “Like’s” grandparents were all a-Twitter when they heard the news.  

In Debt? You Bet!

Monday, the US Government officially maxed out its credit card.  Federal spending hit the debt limit of $14.3 trillion, and for the first time Congress has not yet okayed another raise.  Democrats warn of fiscal collapse if the limit isn’t raised, while Republicans warn of the same collapse if the debt limit is raised. In fact, the Treasury could free up over $230 Billion and keep the government solvent through August just with accounting gimmicks and juggling the books.   

- Sure… the government can juggle the books to the tune of $230 billion.  But if we try to juggle $230 bucks out of our income tax, we get audited! 

- These guys are such good jugglers they should take a job with the circus… They’re clowns anyway!!!

Rest In Pieces

A friend of mine passed this along.  Thought you might enjoy it! 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

OSAMA BIN LADEN’S HEADSTONE…

The French Aren't Just Rude... Sometimes They're NUDE!

The head of the International Monetary Fund which overseas the Global Economy, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, was arrested on sexual assault charges over the weekend.  The 62 year-old, three-times married Frenchman, who had planned to run for President of France and is known in his country as “The Great Seducer” came out of the bathroom in his $3000 a night hotel suite in NYC in the nude and allegedly attacked a maid, forcing her to perform a sex act on him.  She got away and ran down the hall with the naked “seducer” in hot pursuit.  

He caught her, but she got away and reported the incident to hotel security.  In the meantime, Mr. Strauss-Kahn got dressed and took off, accidentally leaving his cell phone behind. Later, he called the hotel to ask if he had left his cell phone there; a hotel security man lied and said he had the phone, then asked for Strauss-Kahn’s location so he could meet him and return it.  Police then made the arrest at Kennedy International Airport where Mr. Strauss-Kahn was sitting in First Class and the plane was about to leave the gate for France.   

- Wouldn’t you think the head of the International Monetary Fund could have just hired a hooker and PAID for sex?  

- Bill Clinton said, “Hey… I thought I was ‘The Great Seducer’”.

Hey... Even A Terrorist Mastermind Needs A Hobby!

It was revealed that among the things the Navy SEALS hauled out of Osama bin Laden’s compound was an “extensive” library of porn - this despite the radical Islamist violence against women who show any skin in public. Apparently, troops often find the “adult material” when they raid jihadist hideouts.  One Georgetown University terrorism expert said, “Of course they found porn!  Every damned jihadi loves porn”.

- If you look closely at the video of Osama watching TV… he wasn’t watching coverage of himself, he was watching “Debbie Does Abbottabad”! 

- When Osama’s 4th wife found the stash she blew up… literally.   

- It took three SEALS just to carry out his collection of “PentCave” and “PlayCamel” magazine’s alone!

- They need porn!  How else are they going to know what to do with those 72 virgins when they get to the afterlife?  

- So their battle cry is really “Death to America! Except Americans with really big boobs and names like Amber Va Va Voom!”

A Hot Bed Of Terrorism... And Porn?

A Google study found that despite there hypocritical oppression of women’s sexuality, Pakistan leads the world in Internet porn searches, earning it the nickname “Pornistan”.  Iran was third, and Egypt fifth. 

- Egyptian men tend to like women with big pyraminds and a nice Sphinx. 

- Iran wouldn’t have ranked so high, but Mahmood Ahmadinejad’s personal collection really threw off the curve. 

- I wonder where I-Rack, um, Iraq comes in on the list? 

- So Middle Eastern guys are into porn??? You can’t be Syria-ous!