NBC Will Play It's "Trump" Card...

NBC announced that “The Apprentice” is such a strong show, that if Donald Trump decides to run for President and has to leave the program, they’ll continue with a different host.  

- They could hire Charlie Sheen and re-name it “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice”… no wait, he’s a Warlock.  

- How about Oprah?  Of course she wouldn’t fire any of the contestants… she’d just give them all free cars!  

Meanwhile, sad news for fans of “Detroit 1-8-7”.  ABC has pulled the plug on the show after just one season.

- In an effort to keep production on something here in Detroit, producers are allegedly working on two new shows:  “Keeping Up With The Kilpatricks” and “The Monica Conyers Comedy Hour”.

Who's Next? Rachael Maddow?

CNN weekend anchorman Don Lemon issued a statement in advance of his new book “Transparent” in which he comes out as openly gay.  

- My fellow Kenmore High School graduate Wolf Blitzer has a new book coming out in which he admits he’s “openly boring”.

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1929, the first Academy Awards were presented.  The award for “Outstanding Production” (Best Picture) went to the silent film “Wings” with the “It Girl”, Clara Bow. 

- She didn’t actually give an acceptance speech, she just acted really surprised while a guy played piano in the background.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here on Tuesday!

-Dick

P.S. Congrats to U of M’s Lloyd Carr on his upcoming induction into the College Football Hall of Fame - Class of 2011! 

For A Change, This Time It's Not About Osama... It's About O'Mama!

Lauren, JoAnne, Jill, Jennifer, Gail, Julie, Jackie, Jessica & Julia - Mother’s Day 2011. My girl, our girls, and their girls!I received a lot of e-mails over the past week asking how the Annual Purtan Family Mother’s Day Celebration went. In a word, it was great! (Not as great as I’m sure our annual Father’s Day get together will be, but I digress)…

Gail and I, all six daughters, their husbands and our seven grandkids all went to my oldest daughter Jennifer’s house for the festivities.  It was a day of food, fun and… some really “girly” gifts.  

Having raised six daughters… (all of whom are mine - or so I’ve been led to believe)… you would think I’d be used to this sort of thing.  But the difference between men and women really hit home when Gail unwrapped a grouping of miniature ceramic milk bottles from one of the girls.  “Oooooooooh!” they all cooed, leaning in to get a closer look.  “I love it!” said Gail.  “What IS it?” said I.  They all looked at me like I was crazy.  “It’s a vase”, Jessica (#5) said slowly, like she was talking to someone who doesn’t speak English.  “Each bottle can hold a single flower!”  “Great”, I said.   

Jill, Jennifer & JoAnne soaking up a moment of Mother’s Day Sunshine!There were plenty more gifts of course… picture frames, pastel colored blouses.  At least I knew what those were! 

Charlie, Jackie’s 9 year old son, gave her a book of poetry that he had written in school.  Now if you know Jackie, you know that she was crying before she even started reading.  But one of the poems contained a line that had her (and the rest of us) trying desperately not to laugh.  What follows is that poem.  I think you’ll recognize the line that I’m talking about:  

The Important Thing 

The important thing about mom is that she loves me.  

She is pretty sometimes.  

She is smart with math. 

She makes good food and buys good food. 

And she is artistic and blessed. 

But the most important thing about my mom is that she loves me.  

Love, Charlie

A Pear Tree in full bloom… Just like Charlie’s Mom, sometimes they’re pretty!Yup.  Nothing like being told by your kid that you are “pretty” SOMETIMES to really make your heart swell! 

By the way, you’ll be happy to know that “Jack” (Jessica’s 7 year old) has suffered no permanent damage from “The Incident” that happened in Florida about a month ago.  If you missed that blog, check out “Boys Will Be Boys”. Trust me, it’s worth the read! 

Enjoy your weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday!

-Dick 

P.S.  More pictures below! Not shown:  Jill’s son Matthew.  He’s 16 and, new license in hand, was busy test-driving his Uncle Eric’s car! 

Jack & Charlie on either side of their “Uncle Dick” 

Gail and our Six Girls

Preston, Jack, Adam, Charlie & an unidentified Pokemon!Julia & Lauren (Jill & JoAnne’s daughters respectively) with Jen’s dog “Luc” - or it might be “Lola”… I’d need a closer look downunder!

It's Time For The Red Wings To Skate... And For Kwame NOT TO!

It’s a huge day for Kwame Kilpatrick!  And for the Red Wings!  Today the Kwamster goes before the parole board… and the Wings try to “parole” the Sharks out of the Play-Offs!

The Diary Of A Madman...

An anonymous US official told the AP that Navy Seals found something pretty unique in Osama Bin Laden’s compound:  His diary! Turns out the Uber-Terrorist kept a handwritten journal filled with his plans and ideas for more attacks on America, including targeting smaller towns and derailing trains.  They say this means he was still running al Qaeda from behind the scenes. 

- The diary also confirmed the previously reported rumor that he had a huge crush on Whitney Houston!    

- His handwriting was messy, but it was still easier to read than the stuff he used to scrawl on the walls of his cave!  

- I’m shocked!  Don’t the SEALS know that you should NEVER read someone else’s diary?  

- The last entry read:  “Hang on a sec… there’s someone at the door.”

"The Donald" Doesn't Duck Hair Raising Questions!

Donald Trump has revealed the secret of his famous hair-do to Rolling Stone Magazine.  “The Donald” says it’s not a combover, but a “little bit forward and back.”  He claims, “I actually don’t have a bad hairline,” and his routine is to shampoo with Head ‘N’ Shoulders, then let it air dry for about an hour while he watches TV and reads the paper.  

- If he uses Head ‘N’ Shoulders how come he’s such a flake?  

- The Obama administration is demanding that he release a drugstore receipt proving that he bought the shampoo in this country! 

- So I guess you could say he’s “Head ‘N’ Shoulders” above the other potential GOP presidential candidates.  

- I’m writing the formula down so I can give it my barber Tom!

- And all this time I thought he used the same shampoo as Geoffrey Fieger… “Ego ‘N’ Shoulders”.

Now You Can "Rack" Up Another Great App!

New Orleans plastic surgeon Dr. Elizabeth Kinsley has developed an iPhone app with 3D imaging technology to help women visualize what they’d look like with breast implants.  The woman just takes a pic of herself in a bra or bathing suit, then uses a sliding tool bar to make her boobs bigger or smaller.  It also links to plastic surgeons in the users area and lets them upload the photo to Facebook so family and friends can weigh in with their opinions.   

- Want Bigger Boobs?  Now there really is an App for That!

- These pictures are gonna get more “Likes” than the one of Pippa Middleton in her Royal bridesmaid gown! 

- Dr. Kinsley is reportedly working on a similar program for men that also uses a “sliding tool bar”…

- It might not be a good idea to upload these pictures to your brothers-in-law…

- If you put these pictures on the internet, expect to be getting a lot of new Facebook “friend requests” from guys!

- This will make a great new dating service… Instead of “eHarmony.com” this will be “double dHarmony.com”!

"Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na... Fatman!"

Police in Petoskey got a call about a man hanging from the side of a downtown buisness at 1a.m. They arrived to find a chubby , long-haired 31-year-old man dressed in a homemade Batman costume.  He was carrying a baton-like striking weapon, a can of chemical irritant spray and a pair of lead-lined gloves.  His “secret identity” turned out to be Mark Williams.  On his MySpace page, Williams describes himself as a geek who loves “The Dark Knight,” likes to help others and is fed up with people who create drama. 

- Apparently his definition of “drama” doesn’t include hanging from a building dressed up as a superhero at one in the morning. 

- I always thought seeing a Robin was a sign of Spring, but I guess in Petoskey it’s seeing a Batman. 

- If you ask me he looked more like “Fatman” than “Batman”.  

- He was bailed out of jail by a nicely dressed, elderly man named “Alfred”.

- There was a super-secret pocket in his bat-utility belt where he keeps his “medications”!

Who Knew? Hugh Almost The "New" Charlie!

There are reports that the producers of “Two And A Half Men” were very close to signing Hugh Grant to replace Charlie Sheen.  He was thought to be perfect:  a movie star with comedy chops and a bad boy reputation.  But just before inking the deal, the admittedly lazy Grant decided that a weekly series would be too much of a grind so he backed out.  

- Hugh doesn’t like “the grind” unless it comes with “a bump”.  

- The producers attributed the idea of hiring Grant to “Divine” inspiration.

- Hugh refused the role, but he did ask for a copy of Charlie Sheen’s “Little Black Book of Hookers”.

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1978, the Commerce Department announced that hurricanes would no longer be named exclusively after women.  

- They received a flood of complaints!   

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday… and GO WINGS!

-Dick 

Congratulations To The Red Wings For Winning 3 In A Row Against Sharks, Series Tied!

Navy Says "We Don't" To Same-Sex "I Do's"

Under pressure from House lawmakers, the Navy has abruptly reversed it’s decision that would have allowed chaplains to perform same-sex unions if the Pentagon decides to recognize openly gay military service later this year.  The Navy said its lawyers want to do a more thorough review of the legal decision that allowed Navy Chaplains to receive training to perform civil unions on military bases, but only in states where gay marriage is legal.  

- The decision is being condemned by the majority of Rear Admirals. 

- If allowed, the ceremony will be performed on a dingy. 

- Ship Captains will now yell, “All Hands on Deck… And OFF each other!”

Terrorist? Or Trying To Make Bladder-Gladder???

A Yemeni man who pounded on the cockpit door of a US-bound American Airlines flight while yelling “Alahu Akbar” (“God is Great”) is being held without bail in San Francisco.  But his family claims the man is neither religious nor political.  They said it was only his third time on a plane and he might have mistaken the cockpit for the bathroom and been desperate to get in. 

- Authorities say they have two problems with the explanation:  #1 and #2. 

- Usually the only people who mention “God” in an airplane bathroom are members of the “Mile High Club”. 

- Didn’t he notice that there was no “Occupado” sign on the cockpit door?

Could Bill Bonds Lose Out To Betty (At Gardner) White?

According to E-Poll Research, which gauges celebrity likeability for endorsement deals, the most appealing celebrities in America are Betty White, Sandra Bullock and Will Smith.  They scored 55, 52 and 49 respectively on a scale of 1 to 100.  The biggest drops came for Susan Boyle and Mel Gibson.  But the least appealing celebrity of all is Spencer Pratt who has a Dislike rating of 73.  That was enough to beat out the 2nd most disliked celeb… O.J. Simpson. 

- Poor O.J. - he just can’t win for losing!

- The #3 most Disliked celeb was Osama Bin Laden, but that’s sort of a moot point now.  

- Don’t be surprised to see Betty White replace Bill Bonds on TV encouraging you to “Call Sam!”… but only after you take advantage of the biggest one-day sales event in Gardner White’s history! 

- I’m surprised Lady Gaga didn’t make the top of the list… she’d be a natural to endorse meat:  “Beef.  It’s What’s To Wear!”

Lady Gaga... Down On The Farm!

Lady Gaga has made a deal to include her music in a special version of the Facebook game Farmville called “GagaVille”.  It will be a virtual version of the old Paris Hilton-Nicole Richie show, “The Simple Life,” only this virtual farm will have a unique Lady Gaga touch.  The company said, “Think crystals, unicorns and gay sheep on motorcycles.” 

- Gay sheep on motorcycles?  What a coincidence!  That was part of the dream I had last night!

- “GagaVille”… That’s what we used to call my high school cafeteria.  

Does Your Sex Life Stink?

Researchers at a Singapore Hospital have discovered a possible natural alternative to Viagra.  They’re developing an impotence treatment based on hydrogen sulphide, the gas that smells like rotten eggs and boys use to make “stink bombs”.  Studies show that the smell of the gas boosts blood flow to the penis and can help men have sex. 

- But only if it comes from a “stink bomb” thrown by topless supermodel Heidi Klum. 

- My mother once told me not to make a stink bomb… Now I find out I should have told her I was making it for “medical research”!

- 100% of women surveyed said they’d rather have their husband just take the pill.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1949, the first Polaroid camera went on sale in New York.  It only took black and white photos and cost $89.95, which was very expensive for 1949.  

- But the men didn’t care!  It allowed them to get naked pictures of their girlfriends in just 60 seconds!

 Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

"The Terminator" is "Terminated"!

After 25 years, four kids and two gubernatorial terms, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver announced that they’ve separated. Over the years there’s been a lot of talk about stresses on marriage such as her being a rich Kennedy family liberal and him a Republican, and Maria having to stand by him during his first election when he was accused of groping women.  Shriver reportedly moved out of their California mansion several weeks ago. 

- She tried to get Arnold to move out, but he kept saying, “I’ll be bock”. 

- Arnold is reportedly having a harding time getting a grope, uh, a grip on his emotions. 

- Wow… a Kennedy marriage ending in divorce.  I didn’t see that one coming. 

- In a never before attempted TV event, Maria Shriver will host a two hour NBC special where she’ll actually interview herself about the divorce.    

- When Maria told Arnold that her Uncle Ted had suggested the divorce, Arnold said “If he told you to drive off a bridge would you do it?”

Carlita Goes To Bat For Kwame...

According to Freep.com, Carlita Kilpatrick says the release of her husband’s salacious text messages not only ruined Kwame’s life, but prevented her from working on their troubled marriage.  She said, “I am very angry at the entire process.  It has prevented any healing or reconciliation.”

- Like, say, the theraputic act of beating the crap out of him with a baseball bat.

- Too be honest, Kwame is a lot safer in prison!

She also told a psychiatrist that Kwame is very depressed, having trouble sleeping, and worried about his future.  

- What future?  

- Kwame’s so down he’s lost his appetite.  He’s down to a scrawny 300 pounds!