He's Not Thinking What You Think He's Thinking!

Prof. Terri Fisher of Ohio State University disproved the cliche that men think about sex every seven seconds. She asked 163 students of both sexes to carry a chart and mark down everytime they thought about sex, food or sleep.  The results?  Men think about sex about once an hour but think about food and sleep much more frequently.  And they think about all three - sex, food, and sleep - more often than women do.

- Well, duh!

- The women in the study said they were just too tired to think about sex or food.  

- Charlie Sheen doesn’t think about sex once an hour, he has sex once an hour!

- Men usually go for the trifecta:  Sex, a sandwich and then a nap. 

Poof! Newspaper Makes Hillary Clinton Disappear!

New York’s Orthodox Jewish newspaper Di Tzeitung apologized for editing Hillary Clinton out of the iconic photo of the White House inner circle watching the Bin Laden raid.  Their policy is not to run photos of women because they believe it can be sexually provocative, thus Hillary was deleted.  

- Bill Clinton is still laughing.

- This explains why Hillary never made the cover of the “Sports Illustrated Pantsuit Edition”! 

The paper said their photo editor got carried away in the euphoria and “wanted to show what he could do in photoshop”. 

- He is good!  He also changed Obama’s “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt, with the arrow pointing at Joe Biden, into a dress shirt.

The Girl "Behind" The Throne: No Ifs, Ands or Butts!

The Royal Wedding had an unexpected impact on pop culture.  Photos of Kate Middleton’s sister and Maid-of-Honor “Pippa” wearing a tight designer gown had men agog.  Especially the pix taken from behind.  It’s led to an avalanche of Internet worship, including a Facebook page called “The Pippa Middleton Arse Appreciation Society”.  

- Which has way more followers that the “Camilla Parker Bowles Horse Appreciation Society”.

- Prince Harry sprained his thumb hitting the “Like” button. 

- There’s also a Facebook page for Carolyn “Cheeks” Kilpatrick, but that’s a whole different story.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1869, a golden spike was driven at Promontory Point, Utah, to mark the joining of the tracks from the west and east for the first transcontinental railroad.  

- The caboose was named “Kim Kardashian” because you could see it from coast to coast.  

Also on this day in 1933, Nazi Germany staged massive public book burnings.  

- Unfortunately the only book they didn’t burn was “Mein Kamph”.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

"You're So Vain... You Probably Think This Blog Is About You"

Videos released over the weekend have shed new light on the life Osama Bin Laden lived for the last five or six years in his secret digs Pakistan.  Turns out the “Terrorist in Chief” liked to spend time watching himself on TV! The clip below shows him sitting on the floor - remote control in hand - flipping back and forth betweens channels, all showing coverage of himself.  You can’t see it in the footage, but I’m sure he was enjoying tea from one of the twenty-some “World’s Greatest Dad” mugs he got from his twenty-some kids last Father’s Day.  

He’s wrapped in what appears to be a weathered old blanket (Although it could be a Snuggi… “It keeps you warm but keeps your hands free to watch videos of yourself inciting terrorist attacks!”)  It’s amazing watching him play with his clearly gray beard (a beard that mysteriously shows up completely black in the videos he released calling for Jihad against America).  Apparently, the local Abbottabad Rite-Air stocks, “Just for Maniacal Madmen”.  

The piece, from the AP, also shows what appears to be the dearly deceased Bin Laden doing repeated takes of the videos he recorded for al Qaeda in order to get everything from the lighting to the wording just right! Look for the moment where he looks off camera as if someone just pointed out that he made a mistake.  I can just hear the “producer” saying, “Cut!  The teleprompter says ‘Death to America’ not ‘Wealth to America’ Osama!” Hey… everybody makes mistakes.  

I couldn’t help but imagine that at any moment, The Big O’s four wives would stick their head in the room and say (in unison) “Honey… Dinner’s ready! We’re having Camel-meatloaf with hummus, your favorite!” 

And is there any doubt that he occasionally wandered outside (in a bathrobe, black socks and sandals) yelling “Hey you kids!  Get off of my sand!”???

Watch the video and let me know what you think.  What I see is a pathetic, narcissistic aging madman locked away in a squalid room - trying to hold on to his “glory days” in the cave.  A room, I’m sure, just down the hall from the one the SEALS took him out in, last week.    

Some people feel that these new home videos showing “The Softer Side of Osama” shouldn’t have been released.  I, for one, am all for it.  If even one of Bin Laden’s “Loyal Followers” see him as he really was - not the well-crafted, well-rehearsed, almost God-like persona he presented to the world, but the older, shaggy, homeless-looking man we see in these videos, maybe they’ll stop thinking of him as a glorified leader and realize that he was just a worn out, graying, Terrorist has-been.  Probably not… but there’s always hope.  

I’m just sorry that now that he’s shark bait, and sleeping with the fishes, we’ll never get a chance to see him on “Dancing With The Terrorists”!

-Dick 

"If Wasn't Was For Your Father, Would Your Mother Be Your Mother?"

Happy Mother’s Day to all you Mom’s out there!  As for my family, my wife Gail, the mother of our six daughters and me, the father of our six daughters (as far as I know…) will be joining our kids and their kids (seven so far!) at my daughter Jennifer’s house for our Annual Mother’s Day celebration!  

And for your listening and dancing pleasure we have for you two “Mother’s Days” songs.  The audio-only one, I’ve played on the radio around every Mother’s day for probably 35 or 40 years!  The other, is just a few years old… and comes with a video!  

 Click on the underlined link to hear:

“If It Wasn’t For Your Father, Would Your Mother Be Your Mother?”

And then… 

Have a great Mother’s Day weekend and remember…

-Dick

Osama Bin Pot'en?

As President Obama visits Ground Zero following his decision NOT to release the post-mortem photos of Osama Bin Laden, we’re learning a lot about how Bin Laden was living in Pakistan.  He was reportedly locked inside with 9 women and 23 children; there was marijuana growing in his garden, possibly for his kidney pain; and he had 500 euros sewn into his clothes in case he had to make a quick getaway. 

- I guess that whole “quick getaway” thing didn’t work out too well for him.

- 9 women and 23 children?  Apparently he was only interested in that whole 72 “virgin” thing when he got to paradise. 

- Osama had a pot garden?  You mean the poor guy not only had kidney problems, he had glaucoma?

- Apparently he was even “higher” on America’s wanted list than we thought. 

- This explains why he was known to say, “I’d walk a mile with my Camel for a Joint”. 

- Apparently the Seals misunderstood when Osama said, “I need a hit… man!”

Man Finally Gets Over "Hump" With DMV...

Retired NYC cop Arno Herwerth moved fast Monday and obtained the rights to change his vanity license plates that read “GETOSAMA” to “GOTOSAMA”.  He had to sue the DMV in 2008 to get them to okay “GETOSAMA” plates after they rejected him on the grounds that it might encourage violence. 

- Ironically, Osama’s camel had a license plate reading, “IMNOTOSAMA” which really threw the Pakistani’s off!

Reach Out And Touch Someone!

A woman in Spartanburg County, South Carolina, called police to report that she had lost her cell phone at a restaurant.  To make matters worse, it had nude photos of her on it.  Worst of all, someone had already found it and was now emailing the nude photos to people on her contact list.

- Some members of Congress are demanding that President Obama release the naked photos of the woman.

ED Not So Good In BED!

A Dubai woman is suing her ex-husband for over $12 million (US) for not having sex with her. She says he married her in 2008 and didn’t sleep with her for 4 months.  After discovering that he suffered from erectile dysfuction, but knowing a woman’s place in Arab society, she says she kept silent and prayed to God to help. But the lack of sex caused her mental anguish and she divorced him.  Turns out he’s been married 12 times.  

- And being in the Middle East… he was probably married to all twelve women at the same time which explains the ED!

- She’s reportedly writing a memoir, “Cialis Doesn’t Live Here Anymore”.

- The Cialis people were going to use this guy and his 12 wives in a commercial… but they ran out of bathtubs. And he ran out of steam! 

Today's Almanac

Today is Cinco de Mayo, a holiday celebrating Mexican forces defeating Napoleon III’s French troops in the Battle of Puebla in 1862. 

- Actually the country is divided.  Some like “Cinco de Mayo” and some like “Cinco de Miracle Whip”.

- If there was a big drinking holiday marking every time the French had lost a battle, the entire world would be drunk 24/7. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here Friday! As Charlie Sheen would say… Oh lay, I mean, Ole!

-Dick

Picture Or Not... They Got A Great Shot!

There is a debate raging within the Obama administration over whether to release a photo showing Osama Bin Laden’s face after he was shot by Navy Seals.  The pic is said to be quite graphic and the question is whether it would end speculation that he’s not really dead or just incite his followers. But newly minted CIA director Leon Panetta says that while the photo is gruesome, it will likely be released. 

- It can’t be any worse than his camel-driver’s license picture!  Nobody looks good in those!  

- His beard was reportedly darker than in more recent videos… Apparently he’d been using “Just For Terrorists”. 

Navy Seals SEAL Deal With Obama...

The White House also corrected an earlier story that Bin Laden used his wife as a human shield as he fired at Navy Seals.  They say the woman who was killed wasn’t his wife, (his wife survived), he didn’t use anyone as a shield and wasn’t armed at the time he was shot. They did say he “resisted arrest”. 

- He “resisted arrest” for more than ten years if I’m not mistaken. 

- MSNBC was upset that he wasn’t taken alive… they’d planned a whole new series called “Osama Bin Lock-Up”. 

- Imagine the nerve of them shooting an unarmed man… why that would be like flying a plane into an unarmed building! 

"I Even Let Him Borrow My Lawn Mower!"

Locals in Abbottabad say they wondered who lived in the mansion behind those walls with all the expensive SUV’s inside, sending messengers to the store to buy Coke and Pepsi.  But Pakistan officials are angry at the suspicion that they might have deliberately turned a blind eye, even though Bin Laden was living in a huge compound near the nation’s capital and it’s military academy.  

- Maybe they just thought it was one of Brangelina’s vacation homes and the pop was for all their kids! 

- Why the mailman never caught on to all the letters addressed to “Mr. and the Many Mrs. Bin Laden’s” I’ll never know. 

- Turns out it wasn’t Bin Laden living in a cave - it was the Pakistani officials!

- Apparentely Bin Laden preferred “Diet Coke”.  That’s how he stayed so trim!

How Can He Wear A Smoking Jacket If He Doesn't Inhale?

Vanity Fair and 60 Minutes polled Americans to ask who would be the best choice to take over running the Playboy empire when 85-year-old Hugh Hefner dies.  Their #1 choice:  Charlie Sheen.  But second place was something of a surprise:  Bill Clinton!  Clinton got 21 percent, only 4 points behind Sheen and easily beating out Tiger Woods, John Mayer and Italy’s Silvio Berlusconi. 

- Bill Clinton immediately put out a hit on Charlie Sheen.  

- The hardest part is going to be getting a pair of bunny ears that match Hillary’s pantsuit.  

- How much you wanna bet that if Tiger Woods gets the gig his “smoking jacket” is green? 

- Now we can look forward to Monica Lewsinsky and Gennifer Flowers as “Playmates of the Month”.

- On the bright side, this is the first thing Bill and Hillary have agreed on in years:  Osama Bin Laden and Paula Jones pictures should NOT be made public! 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1626, Dutch explorer Peter Minuit landed on present-day Manhattan Island.

- He immediately took a cab uptown to see a preview of “Spiderman: The Musical” which had just re-opened for the 1000th time due to technical difficulties.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

September 11, 2001 Revisited

President Bush delivered an emotional and memorable address before a Joint Session of Congress the evening of September 11, 2001.  The next day, we put the President’s words to music from the film “Glory”, and shared it with you on my morning radio show.  In light of the events over the last couple of days, I thought it fitting to share it with you again.  

“President George W. Bush’s Address”

Also I thought it appropriate to take a moment to watch and listen to two songs that meant so much to us then… and still do today:  Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA” and Whitney Houston’s live version of “The Star Spangled Banner” performed live at the 1991 Super Bowl. Little could we have known then the nearly unspeakable horror that would be brought about on that sunny September morning in 2001.  So many lives lost - all of our lives forever changed… And now the man who started it all, Osama Bin Laden, is dead! Killed by the American military.   

Osama Bin Laden is dead!  Almost ten years later.  The pain has not lessened the horror of what he did. It replays itself over and over again in our minds, but the weight of “justice denied”, is finally lifted. Just remembering that clear and sunny Tuesday September morning, shattered by images of civilian aircrafts - turned into human missiles - crashing into the Twin Towers, the Pentagon, and a field in Shanksville, PA, explains our overwhelming relief, gratitude and excitement that the men of the Navy Seals have taken him out.  It won’t bring anyone back.  Anyone’s mother or father, husband or wife, son or daughter, brother or sister.  And while Bin Laden’s Al Queda minions will undoubtably attempt to continue his murderous ways, they’re crippled without their twisted leader.  And at least HE won’t take any more innocent lives.  Cold comfort, but comfort nonetheless. 

God Bless America!!!!!

     President Bush delivered an emotional and memorable address before a Joint Session of Congress just days after 9-11.  At that time, we put the President’s words to music from the film “Glory”, and shared it with you, our valued listeners.  In light of the events over the last couple of days, we thought it fitting to share it with you one more time.

“President George W. Bush’s Address”

     On this most amazing day… take a moment to watch and listen to one of the greatest versions ever of “The Star Spangled Banner”. It’s Whitney Houston performing live at the 1991 Superbowl.  And then, Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless The USA” a song he wrote in the early eighties. Little could we have known then the nearly unspeakable horror that would be brought about on a sunny September morning in 2001.  So many lives lost - all of our lives forever changed… And now the man who started it all, Osama Bin Laden, is dead! Killed by the American military.   

Cheers And Tears At The Royal Wedding... By Jackie Purtan

I wasn’t going to watch. Honest. It was just a wedding right?  

With so many hugely important things going on in the world (killer storms, US soldiers murdered by one of our “allies” in Afghanistan, the economy just to name a few) my time and energy would be much better spent concentrating on the real stuff. 

Right…

I forgot to factor in one simple fact:  I’m a woman.  And women love weddings.  (Elizabeth Taylor loved them so much she had eight of her own!) 

I realize I’m generalizing here, but there is something about the notion of two people professing their love for each other in front of family and friends (and in this case an estimated 2 BILLION people worldwide) that seems to activate some romantic-hormone (or I guess her-mone) in a lot of women.  I think of it as “PNS”… Pre-Nuptial Syndrome.  

Now throw in the fact that in this case the groom just happens to be a Prince - who tragically lost his Princess-mother when he was just a boy - and you may as well throw in the towel.    

Thus I found myself sitting in front of the TV this morning at 5 something waiting for the fairy tale to begin. Kleenex in hand, I stared at the screen waiting for Kate - the bride to be - to emerge.  And when she did… WOW! She was stunning!  The dress was… perfect!  She looked like Grace Kelly, Angelina Jolie and the girl-next-door all rolled into one.  And so happy!

I was just about to text my hairdresser to see what he thought of the dress (I knew He’d be watching) when my nine year old son Charlie came downstairs.  

“Whata ya watchin, mom?” he asked sleepily.  

“The Royal Wedding!” I replied enthusiastically. 

“But what about the episode of ‘Pokemon: Sinoh League Victors’ I DVRed?  You said I could watch it when I got up.”  

Damn!  

“I think you’ll really like the wedding…” I say weakly. 

Five minutes later he’s happily chomping away on a Pop Tart watching Pokemon on the big TV while I’m sitting on a hard wooden chair I’ve dragged over to the counter by the small TV in the kitchen.  The ceremony was fabulous.  Her gown… His uniform… The way Prince Harry snuck a peak at the bride as she made her way down the aisle. The shy smiles exchanged between the Bride and Groom.  I was teary-eyed long before they even got to the vows.  

“Why are you crying?”, asks Charlie.  “It’s…a…wedding!” I say, as if that’s all the explanation necessary.  

“Okaaaay,” he says skeptically.  And then comes another moment that makes me cry - when I realize that my little boy isn’t quite so little anymore.  

“When are they gonna kiss?” he asks, smiling nervously.  Aha!  So the whole “Boys Rule, Girls Drool” thing he and his friends are always talking about might be losing some of it’s luster.  

I explain that they’re not going to kiss until 8:25 when they go out on the palace balcony.  He’s not too thrilled about having to wait, but agrees to switch the big TV over to the wedding coverage.  We sit on the couch together, watching the “Countdown to The Kiss” clock on NBC and wait. And wait.  

There is a flutter of curtain at the balcony door and then the Prince and his new Princess step out to meet the adoring crowd below. 

“Finally!”, Charlie says.  “Are they gonna kiss now?”.  

“In a sec sweetie,” I say.  “They’re waving to the…”

And then it happens.  They kiss.  For like a second and a half!  It was so fast I almost missed it.  

“THAT’S IT?” Charlie shouts.  “We waited all this time for THAT?”.  (Too be honest, he saw more action than that in the “Alvin and the Chipmunks” Christmas movie).  He was clearly expecting more. (And to be honest, so was I!)

As the happy couple went back inside to celebrate, we went back to our normal morning routine of getting ready for school.  On the drive over, he looked at me very seriously and said, “Mom… I need you to tell Grandpa something really important.”  “Sure,” I said. “What is it?”  “Tell him not to write anything funny about the wedding in the blog today.  Weddings are important stuff.”  

My little man is growing up.  After he got out of the car, I started crying all over again.  Because it suddenly dawned on me that someday they’ll be another wedding that brings me to tears:  Charlie’s.

-Jackie 

Not So Fast...

The release of the President’s “long form” birth certificate Wednesday hasn’t ended the controversy.  Within minutes of making the document public, critics on the Internet began claiming that the certificate had been PhotoShopped.  

- The “Thanks for Choosing Kinko’s of Kenya!” logo on the bottom didn’t help either.