NEWSFLASH: Kim Jung Il Carries Torch For Shirley Temple!

According to a UN report on the enforcement of sanctions against North Korea, back in 2010 Italy foiled a plot to sneak a shipment of Italian luxury goods out of the nation and into North Korea.  They blocked the shipment at the Milan Airport.  The contents:  Several dozen pair of high-quality tap-dancing shoes.  A UN spokesman said that dictator Kim Jong Il is known to order lavish stage performances, but it’s not clear what he planned to do with the tap-shoes. 

- I’d say he was going to eat them, but with their penchant for eating dog meat, he would have ordered “Hush Puppies”. 

- Maybe he just wanted them for the new North Korean Reality Show “So You Think You Can Tap Dance”. 

- Authorities knew the shoes were ordered by Kim Jong Il when they noticed they all had lifts in them.  

- Kim’s new nickname is “Mr. Bo-Jung-les”.

Octo-Doc Broke "Labor" Laws?

It took three years, but yesterday, the California Medical Board finally voted to yank the license of Beverly Hills fertility doctor Michael Kamrava.  The decision was based on three cases - the most famous being that of Nadya “The Octomom” Suleman.  Kamrava was accused of gross negligence and incompetence for implanting a dozen embryos into Suleman instead of sending her for a mental health exam.  The ruling goes into effect July 1st.

- So if you’re looking to start a family with say, a dozen kids all at once there’s still time! 

- After July 1st, Dr. Kamrava plans on opening the “Beverly Hills Super-Sized Breast Implant Clinic”.

- In related news… The Stork is suing Kamrava for injuries sustained during the Octomom deliveries.  

Today's Almanac

On this date in 1928, Draft’s Velveeta Cheese was introduced.  

- And the next day, the first cholesterol drug, “Velveeta-tor” hit the market.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

"... And The Livin' Is Easy!"

It’s June 1st… and I don’t care what the calendar says, it’s SUMMER! So…

It’s time to get out the black socks and sandals!    

Trump & Palin: Moose-ic To Each Other's Ears?

Wednesday night, Sarah Palin took time out from her bus tour to accept a last-minute dinner invitation from Donald Trump.  The two met at his Manhattan Penthouse, then went out for a Pizza.  For the record, she ate with her hands while “The Donald” used a fork.  Palin said the two had a lot in common.  As for whether he’d back Palin for President, Trump said, “She’s a great woman, a terrific woman and and terrific friend.  I’d love her to run…”  

- … as his Vice President. 

- Donald had pepperoni and cheese while Sarah had the three meat combo:  Elk, Moose and Caribou.  

- Palin did comment afterwards that Trumps ego is so big… she can see it from her house! 

What A Twit!

New York Congressman Anthony Weiner got testy Tuesday when asked about the lewd photo sent from his Twitter account and has hired a lawyer to help him figure out what to do.  The photo, which showed a man’s bulging underpants was posted on Friday and sent to a female college student in Seattle.  Weiner claims someone hacked into his account and posted the photo.  Weiner is married to an aide of Hillary Clinton. 

- Bill Clinton denies responsibility for the hacking, saying “Since that whole Monica thing I’m done twittering around!” 

- The college girl says she likes Weiner, but had no idea he was “tweet” on her. 

- Weiner says he’s tired of the distraction and wants to concentrate on the important work of not solving the national debt crisis.  

Wood You Have Sex To Save A Tree?

A Norwegian organization is using pornography to save the planet.  The grou “F—- For Forest” or “FFF” has about 1300 members worldwide who take pictures of themselves having sex outdoors, then sell them on the internet with the proceeds going to save trees.  They say they’ve raised $345,000 since 2000 and that “Saving the planet is sexy, so why not get turned on for a good cause?”.  

- Some members admit to using Viagra.  They’re the ones having sex in front of the weeping willows. 

- Question:  If a couple has sex in the woods and nobody’s there to see it, did they make any noise? 

- Finally!  A group who can answer the eternal question, “Does a Bear really, well, you know, in the woods?”

- I’m all for saving the trees, but I’m not gonna risk getting a splinter in my butt to do it!

Limo-Obscene!

An analysis of government records by iWatch News found that since President Obama took office, the number of limousines owned by the government for officials’ use has increated by 73% to 412.  All this during a budget crisis.  But the General Services Administration replied that there’s no precise government definition of a “limo” and that today’s officials need big, armored limos because of increased threats against them.

- Those threats coming from angry taxpayers who are sick of the government wasting money. 

- Meanwhile the officials have come up with a way to raise the debt ceiling… they’re just gonna open the sunroofs on all the limos!  

What's Next? The iPotato?

The UN’s executive secretary on biodiversity claims that young people’s fascination with electronic gadgets, video games, TV and the internet is keeping them from learning about nature - and the need to protect it.  He said studies show kids spend 95% of their free time on TV and computers and only 5% outdoors.  He said, “They don’t see how a potato is grown.  They just see potatoes on a shelf in the supermarket”. 

- No they don’t!  They’re in the car listening to their iPod while their mom is in the store looking at the potatoes! 

- Doesn’t “Farmville” on Facebook count? 

- I think kids should learn about potatoes the old fashioned way… buy them a plastic “Mr. Potato Head”. 

W.H.O.'s Calling?

The World Health Organization asked scientists in 14 nations to analyze all of the best studies done on cell phones.  Their conclusion:  cell phone use is “possibly carcinogenic” to humans.”  Users showed an increase in two types of brain cancer but not others and they say it may take decades to really know if cell phones are to blame.  But just in case, researchers say it’s best to hold a cell phone a bit away from the body because they work on microwaves, and just as microwave ovens cook food, a cell phone might be cooking your brain. 

- In just a quarter of the time it would take to cook it in a conventional oven!  

- They also noted that you should turn around in circles while talking on your cell so your brain will cook evenly. 

- Apple jumped all over the news:  “Want to remember to keep your cell phone a few inches away from your ear?  There’s an App for that!”

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1495, the first written record of Scotch Whiskey appeared in the Exchequer Rolls of Scotland. It was created by Friar Jon Cor.

- And was served the very next night at a Friar’s Club Roast of Henny Youngman. 

- After the roast, Henny reached into his satchel, pulled out a sketch of two bottles of household cleaners and asked if anybody wanted to see a picture of his Pride and Joy.  

 Have a great SUMMER day… and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

OSU's Tressel OUT And Other Good News Stories!

 Luke Fickell will wear the sweater vest… 

- The only downside I see to this is we’re going to have to re-record “Liquidate Ohio State”… AGAIN!

Meanwhile… Iran is trying a new way to censor the Internet by creating a “national internet” that would disconnect Iran from the rest of the world.  Surfers would be able to connnect only Iranians sites that uphold strict Islamic moral codes. 

- If you Google “Hot Men”… you get thousands of pictures of Mahmoud Achmadinejhad.  

- They do have a dating website for those not looking for a long term commitment… it’s called eSuicideBombers.com

- There’s also a social networking site for women called “Wear-a-Burka-To-Cover-Your-Facebook”.  

China Encourages "Tees & A" For Lady Golfers

China’s Golf Association is making some changes to women’s golf, but they’re proving controversial.  CGA VP Wang Liwei said, “Women’s golf is not all about competition.  It’s also about fresh air, beautiful scenes and the young and dynamic girls.” To stress this, players are being asked to wear brightly colored skirts, participate in beauty contests, and pose in bikinis by a pool to promote a tournament.  

- Tigers Woods said, “Just Do It!” 

- Of course since this is China, the “women” golfers are all really eleven years old. 

- The “bikinis by the pool” thing actually got a round of applause from male golfers.  A very polite round of applause…

- And in China’s version of “The Masters” for women, the winner gets to put on the coveted “Green Teady”.  

Obama "Pyramid Scheme"???

After generations of kids learning the “food pyramid,” the Obama Administration is about to replace it with the “food plate”.  The new chart will resemble a round dinner plate, sliced into wedges to represent reasonable proportions of fruits, veggies, grains and proteins.  There’s also a smaller circle next to the plate representing a glass of milk or a cup of yogurt for dairy. Nutritionists have long claimed the “food pyramid” was confusing. 

- Most people will just think it means we’re supposed to eat a lot of pizza.  

- Personally I don’t care what the food plate contains as long as the plate’s big enough.  

- The plate shows fruits, veggies, grains and proteins. Where’s the most important part… the dessert? 

Pediatricians Warn Against Bull S---!

The journal Pediatrics is urging children and teens to stay away from energy drinks like Red Bull and sports drinks like Gatorade.  Pediatricians say the drinks are filled with caffeine and other stimulants that are bad for kids systems.  They added that even teenagers don’t need anything more than plain water to hydrate them, unless they’re engaged in vigorous physical activity.

- Like having sex with one of their teachers.  

- Hey I disagree.  The Lions have consumed Gatorade for years and look what it’s done for them!  

"Hello, My Name Is David And I'm A Sausage-a-holic..."

A London man, David Harding has an unusual monkey on his back:  he’s addicted to sausages, or “Bangers” as the British call them.  He easts 13 sausages a day and spends over $1000 a year on them.  He says he realized he “might have a problem” when his wife made something different for dinner and he “went a bit mad”. Harding has spent $3000 on counseling and hypnosis to try to break his sausage habit, but says he still can’t imagine life without them.   

- The British Call them “Bangers” because when you fall over dead from all the cholesterol and fat it makes a loud “banging” sound.

- Instead, British doctors are trying to switch him to something more healthy… like Fish ‘n Chips. 

- His wife is trying to help… She won’t let him “Banger” anymore.  

Think You're Hot? Think Again!

According to a new book, “The Big Tilt”, there is a new mental disorder affecting middle-aged men.  The author claims that there are 15% fewer single men in their 40’s than women, so the few available men are being fiercely persued.  The result?  “Hotness Delusion Syndrome” - the belief that they are more sexually appealing than they really are. According to the book, a 44-year-old single guy “receives a lot of attention because he’s the only thing going around.  He can be balding and paunchy, but this is not what he sees in the mirror.  He see nothing less than trim, taut and, so he is told, terrific!”

- After the spring we’ve had, I suffered from “Hot Delusion Syndrome” on Memorial Day when the Temperature hit 90!  

The Government Gone A-Stray...

Rosemary Atherton of England saw a stray dog in her backyard, so she called the city to come take it to the pound.  Five days later, she received a form in the mail asking her to describe the alleged stray, including what street she believed it to live on, what time of day she was most likely to see it, and which category best described the mutt:  “lost,” “neglected,” “living wild,” “on it’s way somewhere,” or “having a bit of fun”. A dog catcher finally showed up- 13 days later - but by then the dog was long gone.   

- The city borrowed this idea from the Obama Health Care Plan.  

- In fact they call it “O-bark-a-care”.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1678, Lady Godiva rode naked through Coventry, England to protest high taxes.  

On this date in 2010, Lady Gaga rode naked through Coventry, England… just because it was part of her act.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Memorial Day: A Tribute To The Fallen In Words and Pictures

Arlington National Cemetery Memorial Day Weekend 2011. Photo by Jill Purtan

Over my last few years on the air, I recited the following poem every Memorial Day Weekend in honor and in memory of the brave men and women who made the Ultimate Sacrifice defending the freedom and liberty we are so lucky to enjoy in this country.

The poem, “The Inscription”, was sent to us by a listener, Paul Reside.  

Paul’s Grandmother, Annabelle Gunnett Jones wrote it around 1932.  The poem had been printed in the Perry County, Ohio newspaper for a number of years on “Decoration Day”, or as we know it today - “Memorial Day”. Annabelle was inspired to write the poem by her husband, a WWI Veteran, as a tribute to the Unknown Soldier.

As you enjoy your Memorial Day, I encourage you to take a moment to share “The Inscription” with your family and friends.  Let it serve as a reminder to us all of the gratitude owed the brave men and women of our Armed Forces who have laid down their lives so that we may live ours.  

Just click on the underlined link below to hear me reading the words written nearly 80 years ago - that still resonate today.  I’ve also posted a few photos of Arlington National Cemetery taken this weekend by my daughter Jill.

Have a safe (and hopefully dry) Memorial Day! 

- Dick 

“THE INSCRIPTION” - By Annabelle Gunnett Jones

A View From Above… Arlington National Cemetery, Memorial Day Weekend 2011 Photo by Jill Purtan

Guarding the Tomb Of The Unknown Soldier - Memorial Day Weekend 2011. Photo by Jill Purtan

A Flag For Every Fallen Hero - Memorial Day Weekend 2011. Photo by Jill Purtan

Gone But Never Forgotten - Memorial Day Weekend 2011. Photo by Jill Purtan