Memorial Day Weekend 2011: Don't Forget to Remember...

As we head into the long Memorial Day weekend, the “unofficial” start of summer, I’m thinking about those people who won’t be firing up the barbeque and getting together with family and friends.  The wicked weather that has battered so much of the country this week has left thousands of people with nothing but the shirts on their backs.  In Joplin, Missouri, alone - well over a hundred people were killed when a monster Tornado decimated their town in a matter of minutes.  As of this writing there are 232 men, women and children still missing and the death toll is expected to rise. Meanwhile, the Mississippi River has flooded out thousands of homes and miles of farmland from Illinois to Louisiana. It seems we’ve been under attack - but this week, the “enemy” has been Mother Nature.   

But no matter where the attack originates, we are AMERICANS and that means that no matter what or who we face, our Homeland Security Alert System is permanently set on RED, WHITE & BLUE.

If you would like to help those in need go to www.redcross.org or www.salvationarmyusa.org.  

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Over my last few years on the air approaching Memorial Day Weekend, I recited the following poem in honor and in memory of the brave men and women of the Military who have laid down their lives that we may live ours.

Annabelle Gunnett JonesThat poem, “The Inscription”, was sent to me by a listener, Paul Reside. Paul’s Grandmother, Annabelle Gunnett Jones, penned it around 1932. The poem was picked up and published in the the Perry County, Ohio newspaper for a number of years on “Decoration Day”, or as we know it today - “Memorial Day”.

Annabelle was inspired to write the poem by her husband, a World War I Veteran, as a tribute to the Unknown Soldier. 

I hope you will share “The Inscription” with your family and friends.  In these turbulent times, it is imperative that we never forget the sacrifice our men and women in uniform have made, and continue to make today, so that we may live in freedom.  

Just click on the underlined link below to hear me reading the words written so long ago… that still resonate today.   

“The Inscription” by Annabelle Gunnett Jones 

Have a safe Memorial Day Weekend… and God Bless America!

-Dick 

Great Scott-y!

Last night American Idol wrapped up the season by picking 17-year-old retro country crooner Scotty McCreery as the winner.  Scotty is the 4th guy in a row to take the American Idol crown. 

- As expected, Steven Tyler beat out J-Lo in the first ever “Julia Roberts’ Lips Look-a-Like” competition.  

Another Government Official Full Of Hot Air...

Wednesday, US Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood unveiled new fuel-economy window stickers for cars and trucks.  He declared, “We’re not just sitting around wating for high gasoline prices to come down.” BTW… He arrived at the event in a big, black SUV that gets just 12 miles to the gallon.  

- Your government at work!

- The stickers read: “I Heart Gas!”… They got the idea from Big Al who for years has had a bumper sticker on his car reading: “I HAVE Gas!”

ATTENTION MEN: DO NOT SMILE

A new study claims to have found out what facial expression most attracts the opposite sex. Subjects were shown photos and asked to rate each one for sexual attractiveness.  Turns out women were most attracted to guys who looked serious and brooding, the James Dean “bad boy” type whose expressions hint that they’ve done something wrong and are a little ashamed.  What women do not find attractive is men who smile and look happy. Researchers think a big smile may make men look too feminine or too desperate for sex.  Men are the exact opposite:  They’re most attracted to women who smile…   

- … and have really big boobs!

- This explains why Leonardo da Vinci just wasn’t that into Mona Lisa.  

- So guys… try to look like you’ve done something wrong.  Or, to make it easier, just do something wrong and the look will come naturally! 

Congratulations! It's a...?

Kathy Witterick and David Stocker of Toronto sent out a birth announcement for their baby “Storm” that omits the baby’s gender.  They want to let Storm pick his or her own gender as a tribute to “freedom and choice”. Their two older kids, Jazz and Kio are both boys, but they have pink hair and sometimes wear dresses.  The mom wants a world “where people can make choices to be whoever they are”.  Her husband added, “If you really want to get to know someone, you don’t ask what between their legs.”

- No… you become a TSA agent and FEEL what’s between their legs! 

- “Jazz”, “Kio” and “Storm”… They don’t sound like boys or girls.  They sound like types of cars. 

- There will come a day when Storm will find out if he/she’s a girl.  Period.  

- Ironically, Chastity Bono is Jazz and Kio’s Godmother, now Chaz Bono is Storms Godfather.  

Nazi Snoop Dogs?

The Nazis did a lot of insane things, but the author of a new book, “Amazing Dogs” unearthed some obscure periodicals that show Hitler thought dogs were nearly as smart as humans and tried to train them to talk, read and spell to help the war effort.  Nazi officials sent dogs to a special school where they were taught to tap out signals and letters with their paws and to “talk” to their SS masters. One dog reportedly could type and knew about religion and poetry, while another allegedly said, “Mein Fuhrer” when asked who Adolf Hitler was.  

- Hitler was hoping to use them in the Nazi Luftwaffe Air Force to be used in dogfights but the dog pilot kept sticking his head out the window during training.  

- They ended up with puppies at the school after a German Sheppard tried to enter a French Poodle and the poodle surrendered.  

- The program didn’t work because when the dogs gave the “Hitler Salute” they fell over.   

- If the dogs were so smart why didn’t they kill Hitler?   

Now Everyone Can Be A "High" Roller In Vegas!

A developer plans to build a 500-foot Ferris wheel that will provide rotating, unobstructed views of the Las Vegas strip.  It would have 40 gondolas that could hold up to 25 people each, and be rentable for private parties and catering. That’s up to 1000 people on the ride at any given time! It’s so big, the FAA had to approve the lighting so airplanes in the area wouldn’t run into it.  

- This sounds like the perfect way to end it all after losing all your money at the casino!  

- There are several proposed names for the ride, including “The Barf-i-tola” , “The Sick-O-Rama” and “The Wheel of Vomit”.  

- Each gondola will come with complimentary dramamine and air-sick bags.  

Happy Birthday!

Jack Kevorkian is 83 today!  

- At this age Jack has mellowed out and is just giving people Helium to hear them talk like Mickey Mouse.   

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

"The Big O" Says Goodbye...

Today marks the end of an era in television… After 25 years Oprah Winfrey will broadcast her last show this afternoon.  

- So starting tomorrow, if women want to experience “The Big O”, they’ll have to watch cable… just like the men do! 

- Oprah will reportedly announce her last “Big Surprise”… She had a love child with Arnold Schwartzenegger! 

The Mirror Ball On The Right Is The Actual Trophy!

Last night, Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Hines Ward beat Kirstie Alley to win “Dancing With The Stars”.  She may have lost the trophy… but she also lost a lot of weight.  The seamstresses had to take 36 inches of material out of the dress she wore last night - the same one she wore on the first episode.  

- Hines lost weight too… When returns to the Steelers, he’ll create a new position on the team… the “Not-So-Wide Receiver”.  

- Ironically, despite losing all that weight Kirstie Alley will take over Hines old position on the team as Wide Receiver.

Arnold Stars In "The Gropes Of Wrath"...

Arnold Schwarzenegger is having one bad day after another.  Not only has his wife Maria hired a top divorce lawyer who could demand a $100 million settlement, but his former housekeeper and baby mama has reportedly lawyered up as has at least one other mistress.  

- Arnold’s gonna end up broke!  But you’ll still be able to recognize him - he’ll be the homeless guy with the sign reading “Will Grope for Food”. 

- His movie “True Lies” is being re-released… this time as a documentary.  

Who Knew?

There’s been a lot of speculation about how the story of his secret love child hit the news.  TMZ.com claims it was his own wife who blew the whistle on him.  They say Maria was “hysterical” when she found out about the child and was so furious she wanted to hold a press conference.  But friends convinced her to leak it quietly to the L.A. Times and TMZ instead. Maria vehemently denies the report. 

- When Arnold heard that Maria ratted him out, he immediately “unfriended” her on Facebook.

- Boy!  If you can’t trust your own wife to keep your secrets, who can you trust?  

"God Save The Pippa?"

President Obama seems to be having a series of brain glitches in London. Yesterday, he started to toast the Queen without waiting for “God Save The Queen” to start, and the orchestra cut him off in mid-sentence.  

- In all fairness he was distracted because he had just heard that Pippa Middleton had just entered the room wearing that tight white Bridesmaid’s dress she wore at the wedding.  

Earlier in the day, Obama signed the guest book at Westminster Abbey and for some reason he dated it, May 24, “2008”. 

- In all fairness he was distracted because he had just heard that Pippa Middleton had just entered the Abbey wearing that tight white Bridesmaid’s dress she wore at the wedding.  

Good Night John Boy!

The media is reporting that the Justice Department has decided to seek an indictment of former Senator and VP candidate John Edwards for violating campaign finance laws to cover up his affair with his baby mama, Reille Hunter.  Edwards is now considering his few options, including a guilty plea to a lesser charge.   

- John might be moving from his 28,000 sq. ft. home to a 28 sq. ft. cell!

- He’ll probably spend most of his time in the Prison library reading his favorite magazine… The National Enquirer.  

A Piece Of Cake!

Happy 67th Birthday to Frank Oz, the voice of he Muppet’s “Miss Piggy”… one of few girls in Hollywood that Arnold hasn’t groped… as far as we know!

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here Thursday!

- Dick

Obama's Visit To Ireland: It's All Here In Black and Green!

Many Americans might be surprised to know that President Obama has Irish roots, but he was in Ireland Monday to celebrate them.  His father was Kenyan, but his mother was Irish-American.  Obama had a pint of Guinness, listened to fiddle-music, and visited with his “cousins” in the tiny town of Moneygall, where his great-great-great-grandfather used to be a shoemaker before heading to the US to seek a better life in 1850.  

- Donald Trump immediately demanded to see a receipt from Obama’s great-great-great-Grandfather’s Shoe Shop.

- It’s must be in the genes, because his great-great-great-grandfather left because Moneygall ran out of money!  

Obama’s visit to Ireland reminded me of a song we played a few years back on St. Patrick’s Day.  It’s by the Corrigan Brothers.  Enjoy!

OBL's Wives Knives Each Other In Back!

Pakistani officials claim Osama Bin Laden’s widows are turning against each other.  One is 62, one 54, and his latest wife is still in her 20’s.  The older ones reportedly blame the young one for leading US intelligence to him by either tipping them off or letting herself be followed. One official said, “It’s vicious”.  

- Hollywood has already jumped on the story… they’ve hired Bette Midler and Goldie Hawn to play the older women in the new movie, “The First and Second Wives Club”. 

- The older women are just jealous because the 20-something wife looks so much hotter in a burka.  

The report indicates that the older women have resented the young Mrs. Bin Laden ever since he married her in 2000 when she was just 17.  Even OSB’s mom reportedly yelled at him about that.  The officials say the joke in Pakistan is that after five years cooped up with three wives and a dozen kids, Osama called the CIA himself to give away his own location.  

- It wasn’t so much the wives, it was having three mothers-in-law moving in that pushed him over the edge. 

- Apparently Osama’s mom actually likes the youngest wife… she was just mad she had to pay for another rehearsal dinner.  

- The women wouldn’t talk until they were offered roles on the new hit show, “The Real Housewives of Abbottabad”!

Big Night For Big Girl!

Tonight’s the big night on DWTS when the winner of this season’s competition will be announced.  Last night, Pittsburgh Steeler Hines Ward and Disney star Chelsea Kane tied with nearly perfect scores.  Kirstie Alley’s dances - which included some lifts - got lower scores but praise from the judges. Some odds-makers are saying the 60 year-old Alley is the “sentimental favorite” and could end up the winner. 

- If Kirstie doesn’t win, she’s announced she’s just going to transfer over to NBC’s “The Biggest Loser”.   

- If she loses the big prize, at least she’ll still be big.  

Too Many Prisoners Gotta Go!

Monday, the Supreme Courts agreed with 5-4 with the ACLU that California’s prisons are unconstitutionally overcrowded and ordered the state to release 46,000 inmates over the next two years unless they fix the system.  They say conditions are “inhumane” like 700-strong waiting lists to see a doctor and 54 inmates sharing one toilet.  In a furious dissent, Justice Antionin Scalia called it outrageous and absurd, and said “terrible things” are sure to happen when 46 thousand “happy go lucky felons” are let loose on the streets.  

- I’d say the first thing that’s gonna happen is they’re going to find a restroom!

- 46 thousand convicted felons set free… what could possibly go wrong?   

- OJ’s now wishing he’d been convicted of killing his wife in California.  He’d be scot free instead of rotting in a Nevada prison.  

- So basically, Lindsay Lohan can now do anything she wants without any fear of going to jail!  

The Kiss You Missed...

You may have watched every moment of Sunday night’s Billboard Music Awards, but you still didn’t see everything that took place.  In a near repeat of the infamous Madonna and Britney Spears kiss during the 2003 MTV Video Awards that got worldwide attention, at Sunday’s show Rihanna planted a big kiss on Britney during their duet on the song “S&M”. But just before the big moment, the director cut away to a shot of the audience.

- Those who saw it live said that while Rhianna seemed really into the kiss, Britney just lip-synced it.  

- To make up for it, the director showed Justin Bieber kiss his mom backstage.