He's Not Only Nuts, He's Invisible!

Monday, radio evangelist Harold Camping finally faced the music… and the press… about his second failed Rapture prediction.  He insisted his math wasn’t wrong, he was just wrong in his interpretation “of how May 21st would play out”. Camping said he was wondering what was going on when nothing happened, but he now knows that Saturday was an “invisible judgement,” and revised his end-of-the-world date to October 21st. 

- By “invisible judgement” he meant that he wanted to become invisible so people wouldn’t make fun of his clear lack of judgement. 

- He also admitted that the batteries were running low on the secret decoder ring he used to calculate the dates in the Bible. 

- A lot of his followers are mad having maxed out their credit cards in anticipation of the world ending… including the US Government. 

- Mrs. Camping has often said in the past that she wondered what was going on when nothing happened!

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1844, Samuel F. B. Morse opened America’s first telegraph line by transmitting the phrase, “What hath God wrought!” 

- Harold Camping believes it was a secret Biblical code predicting the end of the world on May, um, October 21st.  

 Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Busier Father's Day Predicted For Arnold!

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s world-rocking admission that he has a 13 year-old son with his family’s longtime housekeeper might be just the tip of the iceberg. Saturday, actress Jane Seymour told CNN that she was “not remotely surprised”.  She said mutual friends claim Arnold has TWO MORE illegitimate children who haven’t surfaced yet.  At least one woman has already told NBC that she’s told “The Terminators” lawyers that she wants a DNA test to prove he’s the father of her 8 year old. 

- Why didn’t Jane tell him about birth control?  After all, she’s “Dr. Quinn… Medicine Woman”! 

- On a happy note, Arnold’s gonna get more Father’s Day gifts than most NBA players!  

- Screenwriters are scrambling to finish the script for his upcoming project, “The Impreg-i-nator”. 

- He could have saved himself so much trouble if he’d just asked Maria to dress up in a Maid’s outfit!

Princess B's Hat... "A Royal Flush?"

The so-called “fashion forward” hat that Princess Beatrice wore to her cousin, Prince William and Kate Middleton’s Royal wedding on April 29th sold for more than $130,000 on e-bay over the weekend.  The Princess will donate all the proceeds to charity.  

- The winning bid came from a “Miss A. Franklin” of Detroit, MI.  

- Websters Dictionary defines “fashion forward” as “Something that is both bizarre and really, really ugly”. 

- NOTE:  Is it just me or does the hat look like an “ode to a toilet seat”? Seriously… There’s the seat, a mini-lid in the middle, then what looks like a roll of toilet paper on top with ribbons of TP coming out on either side!

"Mr. Happy" Gets A New Suit!

A new line of condoms called Naked is billing itself as the world’s most expensive condoms.  They’re $65 per dozen, but CEO Jud Ireland says they’re made of higher quality material and therefore worth it.  His sister Marie added that they also have more visual appeal.  She said, “I’d rather have sex with someone who has a Naked condom.  The guy looks better, I think”.  Their target audience is “edgy, hip and rich”. 

- They’re made of “higher quality material”… unlike the cheap, breakable kind Arnold Schwarzenegger uses. 

- Finally!  What the world needs… a really GOOD LOOKING condom!  

- You can tell which guys buy these… cuz the “ring-mark” is on a really expensive wallet! 

The Day The Music Died...

At the Billboard Music Awards Show last night, Eminem and Justin Bieber were the big winners… with six awards each.  

- And now you know why I retired from radio!

Diddy's New Name A Doozy!

Rapper/producer/entrepeneur Sean Combs has insisted on being called Puff Daddy, Puffy, Puff, P. Diddy and finally Diddy.  Now, he’s announced that he wants to be known as “Swag,” which is short for swagger.  The Urban Dictionary defines that as “How one presents him or her self to the world”.  “Swag” says the name change is in honor of his comeback - but he only wants to be called by the new name for one week.  

- Diddy really have to make a public announcement about this?  

- He was going to go with “Puffy Swag” but thought that sounded too much like a medical condition. 

- Don’t get him confused with Snoop Dogg’s son, “Wag”.  

- Meanwhile, Arnold Schwarzenegger has changed his name to “Pump-You-Up Daddy”.  

New "Celebrity Apprentice" Winner Already "Rich"

Sunday night on NBC, after a full season of over-the-top drama from Meatloaf, Star Jones, Gary Busey and other semi-celebs, the two quietest and most polite contestants faced each other in the finale.  At the end, country star John Rich was chosen as Donald Trump’s new “Celebrity Apprentice” over deaf actress, Marlee Matlin.  

- “The Donald” loves the sound of his own voice… I guess he wanted to pick someone who could enjoy it as much as he does.  

- My favorite episode was the one where Star Jones went after Meatloaf with a knife… and fork.  

Ergo Orgy In Budapest A "Bust"!

The Budapest insurance company Ergo is under fire for holding a Roman-style orgy party for it’s top salesmen. The orgy involved 20 prostitutes with red and white wrist bands.  Red meant the woman would do anything for anyone, and white meant they were reserved for the top salesmen and board members.  The women’s arms were stamped to keep track of how many times they’d been “frequented”.  Ergo says the managers and board members responsible no longer work there.  

- Apparently the guy who came up with this idea has seen “Animal House” one time too many!  

- After this party, the best salesmen are going to have to add a health rider to their insurance plan!

- This gives a whole new meaning to “Tramp Stamp”

- When he heard the story, Arnold Schwarzenegger decided to move back to Europe and become an insurance salesmen.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

World Ends Saturday!!!

According to Harold Camping, a Christian radio host with Family Radio, “The Rapture” will occur tomorrow, Saturday May 21st.  “The Rapture” means judgement day for both believers and non-believers, the day when God brings his children up to Heaven and all the rest eventually go to Hell, and the world ends.   

Now, while there seems to be absolutely no proof that the world will end Saturday, I’ve jotted down a “TO-DO TODAY List”…       JUST IN CASE!  

- Cancel haircut.    

- Screw Salmon!  Tonight for dinner it’s a big juicy steak followed by a hot fudge Sundae with full fat ice cream, real whipped cream and sprinkles.  (Hey… it’s the end of the world!)

- Forget my heart… Eat big piece of MILK chocolate instead of DARK chocolate!

- Stop worrying about Middle East Peace and whether Iran has nuclear weapons. (Plus! No more seeing ugly pictures of Quadaffi!)

- Openly admit that I like some of Lady Gaga’s music.  

- Do “Put-On” Call to Kwame Kilpatrick saying Parole Board approved early release.

- Finally rent and watch DVD of “The Kings Speech” and “Police Academy 6” 

- Don’t bother to pick up Cholesterol prescription at drug store. 

- Call Art Van and tell them I won’t being making ANY payments on the Furniture I bought with “no money down and absolutely no payments until 2014!”  

- Don’t have to live with the “unfairness of life” if Kirstie Alley actually wins “DWTS”. 

- Stop worrying about whether Lions’ QB Matthew Stafford’s shoulder will hold up. 

- Watch WWII Hitler Special for the 3000th (and final) time.  

- Stop worrying about how the weather will be during my July 11th Birthday Party.  

- Forget workout! 

- Cancel Red Cross Blood Donation Appt.

- Stop wondering if Detroit will ever “come back”.  

- Return pallet of toilet paper to Costco. 

- Give up stressing over whether U of M will ever beat Ohio State again.   

- Stop worrying about what’s causing pain in thumb.  

- Call-in early vote for American Idol finale. 

- Stop wondering if Arnold Schwarzenegger will be voted Father of the Year.  

- Cancel subscription to “How To Live To Be One Hundred” Magazine.

- Stop worrying when the world will end. And finally…

- Refill Viagra prescription just in case “you CAN take it with you”!

So that’s just a partial list of the things I’ll be doing today, in anticipation of the “End of The World” Saturday.  

P.S. Personally I don’t believe the world will end tomorrow, May 21st,  but it will definitely end at exactly 5pm on May 25th…

WHEN OPRAH FINISHES HER LAST SHOW!   

Have a great weekend… and I “HOPE” to see you back here Monday!

-Dick

Strauss-Kahn Vows To Fight "Naked Gun" Charge!

Late last night, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, “The Great Seducer”, resigned as head of the International Monetary Fund to devote his full energies to fighting the sex charges against him from a hotel maid.  Meanwhile a poll in the Frenchman’s home country found that 57% of the French public believe Strauss-Kahn is the victim of a conspiracy.

- A Vast Right Wing Conspiracy of Hotel Maids.  

- I would have thought he had exhausted his full energies while chasing the maid down the hall in the nude!

- The now-former head of the IMF also announced that he has been named President of another IMF… the “International Maid Fondlers”. 

The Press Has Maid A Huge Mistake!

Strauss-Kahn reportedly plans to claim that his sexual encounter with a New York hotel maid was consensual. But prosecutors say the electronic door lock shows the maid propped the door open when she came into his room, which makes no sense if she was going there to have consensual sex.  

- Strauss-Kahn claims he propped the door open so the room service guy could bring him a sandwich while he was having consensual sex with the maid.  

- Apparently in France, “no” means “oui”. 

- Arnold Schwarzenegger is feeling pretty good about himself… at least his maid agreed to have sex with him!

Russian To Conclusions...

The UFO community was rocked Wednesday by an excerpt from a new book, “Area 51”, a history of the secret military base in Roswell.  The book claims that according to eyewitnesses and previously classified documents, the Roswell saucer crash of 1947 wasn’t space aliens - but Russians.  Apparently Stalin saw how “War of the Worlds” panicked Americans, so he sent mutated children with big heads and eyes who’d been victims of Nazi “Dr.” Joseph Mengele to the US in a secret Russian spy plane.  He hoped to spark fear and panic but the crash was covered up.  The Air Force had no comment, but UFO believers quickly dismissed the story as ridiculous. 

- Then they went back to making their Romulan costumes for the upcoming Star Trek convention. 

- When he heard the story, Lenoard Nimoy’s ears perked right up!

- Since Aliens are supposed to “Poke and Prod” people… I guess this makes Dominique Strauss-Kahn an Alien! 

The Prez Has It Made!

President Obama didn’t want to talk about his birth certificate for years, but now that he’s finally released it, his 2012 Presidential campaign is using it as a cash cow.  His website if offering a T-Shirt for $25 that has a pic of the birth certificate on the back and on the front has a photo of Obama with the caption, “Made In The USA”. 

- Donald Trump is demanding half of all the profits.  

- Kenya imagine how much money their going to raise with this?!

- There’s also a new T-Shirt out with Arnold Schwarzeneggers picture on the front, with the caption “Made It With The Maid In The USA”.

Fans Goo-Goo Over Gaga!

Oprah hasn’t even taped her final show yet, and already her power is waning.  Forbes’ new list of the most powerful celebrities of 2011 places - get ready - Lady Gaga at #1, bumping Oprah to #2.  Oprah has more money - she made made $290 million last year compared to Gaga’s $90 million - but the list is also based on influence.  Lady Gaga has 32 million Facebook fans and 10 million Twitter followers.  Forbes’ says that makes her the Queen of Social Media. 

- Oprah’s response?  “Gaga me with a spoon!”

- I just hope the two never end up on the Letterman show together… I can hear it now, “Oprah, Gaga.  Gaga, Oprah”.

- In an effort to increase her popularity, Oprah is going to wear a meat dress during her final broadcast.  

- Actually Oprah and Lady Gaga have a lot in common… Oprah gives away free cars and Lady Gaga gives away free STD’s!

Something's "Up" In Virginia...

Montgomery county, Virginia is facing higher taxes and cuts in services due to a $300 million budget shortfall, so some people think they shouldn’t be spending $400,000 a year providing government workers with free Viagra.  But council memebers defended the cost, saying they shouldn’t pick which prescription drugs to cover and that this is a “quality of life” issue. 

- Talk about screwing the tax payers!  

- The council says people can “argue til they’re little blue pill in the face” but they’re not changing their minds. 

JOKE:  Guy goes to pharmacy to buy Viagra.  Asks the clerk “Can I get it over the counter?”.  Clerk says “Take two pills and you can!” 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1536, King Henry VIII’s second wife Anne Boleyn was beheaded after she was convicted of adultery.  

- You gotta give him credit for being honest… Before the wedding Henry told Anne, “If you cheat… heads are gonna roll!”.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

More Details About "The Sperminator"!!!

The Ahhnold Saga justs gets uglier and uglier… RadarOnline reports that Maria Shriver was at dinner with her two daughters, Oprah Winfrey and a few friends, when she got the call that Arnold was going public with the news of his infidelity and “Love Child”.  The woman has now been identified as Mildred “Patty” Baena, the family housekeeper for the last 20 years.  Arnold and the maid allegedly had sex in the Schwarzenegger home during the day while Maria was out.  The affair resulted in the birth of a now 14-year-old-boy, who sources say bears a striking resemblance to “The Terminator”.  

- Arnold says he couldn’t help himself… the maid swept him off his feet - literally!

- Women are known for “cleaning up” before the maid gets there… which really frees the maid up to have sex with the husband!  

- The maid said that Arnold and Maria treated her and her son “like family”.  Apparently there was a good reason for that.  

- Now the boy’s teachers know why at the end of school every day, the boy said, “I’ll be back!”

- He was the only kid in school who could bench press the cafeteria lady!   

"How Do You Solve The Problems Of Maria?"

Oprah and Maria Shriver took a direct shot at Arnold during the taping of the Big O’s final show, to the delight of 20,000 fans.  When Maria walked onstage she declare that Oprah had always given her “love, support, wisdom and most of all the truth.” Oprah backed that up by emphasizing, “THE TRUTH!”  

- Meanwhile, ABC has signed Arnold  for a spin-off of “DWTS” called “_____ing With The Hired Help”.  

Each Car Comes With Heated Seats... Plus An Egg Roll And Wanton Soup!

General Motors is under fire for reportedly helping to sponsor a Chinese propaganda film to celebrate the upcoming 90th anniversary of the Chinese Communist Party. GM signed up Cadillac as the “chief business partner” in producing “The Great Achievement of Founding the Party” set to debut in China in June.  To promote it, Communist officials are being chauffeured around in Cadillac SLSs.  As to why Cadillac is supporting a glowing whitewash of the history of Chinese Communism, Cadillac now sells more cars in China than in the US.  

- That’s because when you buy one Chinese Cadillac you want to buy another one an hour later.  

- GM officials are said to be red in the face.  

- Over there, “GM” stands for…

“General Mao-ters”