Barista Short-Changed!

The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission is suing Starbucks for firing a barista in El Paso becasue she’s a dwarf.  The woman was hired and trained, but when she asked for a stool or small stepladder so she could reach the coffee, she was fired on the grounds that she could be a danger to others.  

- Actually, they just blamed her when the register came up a little short. 

- Why not just let her be in charge of the half-cafs?

- The woman was so furious she was shaking… of course that could have just been from the coffee.  

- She immediately called her best friend - she really needed to Vent-i

Denmark? Wouldn't "Pole-Land" Make More Sense?

With melting Arctic ice exposing new shipping routes and fishing and oil drilling grounds, Denmark is doing something pretty amazing.  The Danish Government is preparing a document to present to the U.N. laying claim to the North Pole. 

- So Santa Claus won’t just look like he EATS a lot of Danish… he’ll actually BE Danish.  

- When they heard the news, the IUOE (International Union of Eskimos) said, “Not so fast…” 

- NATO is also laying claim to the North Pole and, unfortunately for the reindeer, has declared it a “no-fly zone”.

Meet The New "Burger King"...

57-year-old Don Gorske of Fond Du Lac, Wisconsin, broke his own world record yesterday by eating his 25,000th Big Mac.  He eats 2 Big Macs a day and has kept all of the receipts.  Amazingly, he’s in good shape and his cholesterol is fine.  

- He’s in good health but says if he hears “You want fries with that?” one more time, he’s gonna kill himself!

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1980, after sitting dormant for over 100 years, Mount St. Helens in Washington State suddenly erupted.  

- Making a total ash of itself!

Also on this date in 1912 the Detroit Tigers called a strike for 48 hours protesting Ty Cobb’s suspension for assaulting a heckler.  

- This began the Tigers habit of taking too many “called strikes”. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Arnold: MAID in the Shade???

Arnold Schwarzenegger has shocked Hollywood and the political world by admitting that he fathered a child with a member of his and wife Maria Shriver’s household staff.  Just last week, the couple announced they were splitting after 25 years of marriage and now we know why.  Arnold says the child was conceived a decade ago and that he just told Maria about his out-of-wedlock baby earlier this year - when it’s mother quit working for the couple after 20 years.  Neither the name of the baby or it’s mother have been released. 

- So I guess that whole “groping” thing was just what Arnold considers foreplay. 

- He offered her a position with benefits… She got paid and he got the benefits! 

- To be fair, when the woman applied for the job she said she didn’t do windows, but did do other people’s husbands.

I Didn't See That One Comin'! (Yeah, Right!)

Hey!  What a surprise!  Monday Donald Trump announced that he’s NOT running for President.  His statement read, “I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election… However, business is my greatest passion, and I am not ready to leave the private sector.” BTW… Trump is reportedly in negotiations with NBC for a 3-year, $60 million renewal of “Celebrity Apprentice”.  

-  Why don’t they just have all the candidates go on Trumps show… and the only one he doesn’t fire gets to be President! 

- Some skeptics say this was just a publicity stunt to get ratings for his show.  But I say this was just a publicity stunt for him to get ratings for his show.

- Trump was just too nervous he would have to produce his REAL birth certificate showing he was born on the planet Krypton.

Mommy Dearest...

Child Protective Services in San Francisco have taken custody of 8-year-old beauty pageant contestant Britney Campbell after her cosmetic aesthetician mom, Kerry Campbell, admitted on Good Morning America that she gives Britney Botox injections to smooth her facial wrinkles before pageants. The FDA does not allow cosmetic Botox for children.  In the TV interview, Britney said it hurts to get the injections but she was used to the pain. She said, “I just, like, don’t, like, think wrinkles are nice on little girls.”

- And I just, like, don’t, like, think that Britney’s mom is the sharpest knife in the drawer.

- I thought it was cruel when my mom used to make me clean behind my ears!

- The bad news?  Britney’s 9th Birthday party featuring face-painting and liposuction for the kids has been cancelled.  

- On the bright side, Britney’s mom did read to her every night… “Rip Van Wrinkle”.  

- Her mother has big plans for her daughter’s future in showbiz… When she turns twelve she’s having Britney’s name legally changed from “Britney Campbell” to “Britney Botox”. 

She's Got Your Eyes... And A Stupid Name!

Lior and Vardit Adler of Israel said they want their children to have names that aren’t used anywhere else.  So their three kids are named Dvash (Hebrew for Honey”), “Pie”, and their newborn daughter?  “Like” after the “Like” button on Facebook.  Lior says people used to give children Biblical names when the Bible was the icon, and today, Facebook is one of the most famous icons in the world.  

- The couple is hoping to have more kids which they will name, “Friend” and “Unfriend”.  

- What happened to the good old fashioned baby names like “Moon Unit” and “Jermajesty”?

- They were going to name the baby “Google” but her dad thought that was too weird.  

- “Like’s” grandparents were all a-Twitter when they heard the news.  

In Debt? You Bet!

Monday, the US Government officially maxed out its credit card.  Federal spending hit the debt limit of $14.3 trillion, and for the first time Congress has not yet okayed another raise.  Democrats warn of fiscal collapse if the limit isn’t raised, while Republicans warn of the same collapse if the debt limit is raised. In fact, the Treasury could free up over $230 Billion and keep the government solvent through August just with accounting gimmicks and juggling the books.   

- Sure… the government can juggle the books to the tune of $230 billion.  But if we try to juggle $230 bucks out of our income tax, we get audited! 

- These guys are such good jugglers they should take a job with the circus… They’re clowns anyway!!!

Rest In Pieces

A friend of mine passed this along.  Thought you might enjoy it! 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

OSAMA BIN LADEN’S HEADSTONE…

The French Aren't Just Rude... Sometimes They're NUDE!

The head of the International Monetary Fund which overseas the Global Economy, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, was arrested on sexual assault charges over the weekend.  The 62 year-old, three-times married Frenchman, who had planned to run for President of France and is known in his country as “The Great Seducer” came out of the bathroom in his $3000 a night hotel suite in NYC in the nude and allegedly attacked a maid, forcing her to perform a sex act on him.  She got away and ran down the hall with the naked “seducer” in hot pursuit.  

He caught her, but she got away and reported the incident to hotel security.  In the meantime, Mr. Strauss-Kahn got dressed and took off, accidentally leaving his cell phone behind. Later, he called the hotel to ask if he had left his cell phone there; a hotel security man lied and said he had the phone, then asked for Strauss-Kahn’s location so he could meet him and return it.  Police then made the arrest at Kennedy International Airport where Mr. Strauss-Kahn was sitting in First Class and the plane was about to leave the gate for France.   

- Wouldn’t you think the head of the International Monetary Fund could have just hired a hooker and PAID for sex?  

- Bill Clinton said, “Hey… I thought I was ‘The Great Seducer’”.

Hey... Even A Terrorist Mastermind Needs A Hobby!

It was revealed that among the things the Navy SEALS hauled out of Osama bin Laden’s compound was an “extensive” library of porn - this despite the radical Islamist violence against women who show any skin in public. Apparently, troops often find the “adult material” when they raid jihadist hideouts.  One Georgetown University terrorism expert said, “Of course they found porn!  Every damned jihadi loves porn”.

- If you look closely at the video of Osama watching TV… he wasn’t watching coverage of himself, he was watching “Debbie Does Abbottabad”! 

- When Osama’s 4th wife found the stash she blew up… literally.   

- It took three SEALS just to carry out his collection of “PentCave” and “PlayCamel” magazine’s alone!

- They need porn!  How else are they going to know what to do with those 72 virgins when they get to the afterlife?  

- So their battle cry is really “Death to America! Except Americans with really big boobs and names like Amber Va Va Voom!”

A Hot Bed Of Terrorism... And Porn?

A Google study found that despite there hypocritical oppression of women’s sexuality, Pakistan leads the world in Internet porn searches, earning it the nickname “Pornistan”.  Iran was third, and Egypt fifth. 

- Egyptian men tend to like women with big pyraminds and a nice Sphinx. 

- Iran wouldn’t have ranked so high, but Mahmood Ahmadinejad’s personal collection really threw off the curve. 

- I wonder where I-Rack, um, Iraq comes in on the list? 

- So Middle Eastern guys are into porn??? You can’t be Syria-ous!

NBC Will Play It's "Trump" Card...

NBC announced that “The Apprentice” is such a strong show, that if Donald Trump decides to run for President and has to leave the program, they’ll continue with a different host.  

- They could hire Charlie Sheen and re-name it “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice”… no wait, he’s a Warlock.  

- How about Oprah?  Of course she wouldn’t fire any of the contestants… she’d just give them all free cars!  

Meanwhile, sad news for fans of “Detroit 1-8-7”.  ABC has pulled the plug on the show after just one season.

- In an effort to keep production on something here in Detroit, producers are allegedly working on two new shows:  “Keeping Up With The Kilpatricks” and “The Monica Conyers Comedy Hour”.

Who's Next? Rachael Maddow?

CNN weekend anchorman Don Lemon issued a statement in advance of his new book “Transparent” in which he comes out as openly gay.  

- My fellow Kenmore High School graduate Wolf Blitzer has a new book coming out in which he admits he’s “openly boring”.

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1929, the first Academy Awards were presented.  The award for “Outstanding Production” (Best Picture) went to the silent film “Wings” with the “It Girl”, Clara Bow. 

- She didn’t actually give an acceptance speech, she just acted really surprised while a guy played piano in the background.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here on Tuesday!

-Dick

P.S. Congrats to U of M’s Lloyd Carr on his upcoming induction into the College Football Hall of Fame - Class of 2011! 

For A Change, This Time It's Not About Osama... It's About O'Mama!

Lauren, JoAnne, Jill, Jennifer, Gail, Julie, Jackie, Jessica & Julia - Mother’s Day 2011. My girl, our girls, and their girls!I received a lot of e-mails over the past week asking how the Annual Purtan Family Mother’s Day Celebration went. In a word, it was great! (Not as great as I’m sure our annual Father’s Day get together will be, but I digress)…

Gail and I, all six daughters, their husbands and our seven grandkids all went to my oldest daughter Jennifer’s house for the festivities.  It was a day of food, fun and… some really “girly” gifts.  

Having raised six daughters… (all of whom are mine - or so I’ve been led to believe)… you would think I’d be used to this sort of thing.  But the difference between men and women really hit home when Gail unwrapped a grouping of miniature ceramic milk bottles from one of the girls.  “Oooooooooh!” they all cooed, leaning in to get a closer look.  “I love it!” said Gail.  “What IS it?” said I.  They all looked at me like I was crazy.  “It’s a vase”, Jessica (#5) said slowly, like she was talking to someone who doesn’t speak English.  “Each bottle can hold a single flower!”  “Great”, I said.   

Jill, Jennifer & JoAnne soaking up a moment of Mother’s Day Sunshine!There were plenty more gifts of course… picture frames, pastel colored blouses.  At least I knew what those were! 

Charlie, Jackie’s 9 year old son, gave her a book of poetry that he had written in school.  Now if you know Jackie, you know that she was crying before she even started reading.  But one of the poems contained a line that had her (and the rest of us) trying desperately not to laugh.  What follows is that poem.  I think you’ll recognize the line that I’m talking about:  

The Important Thing 

The important thing about mom is that she loves me.  

She is pretty sometimes.  

She is smart with math. 

She makes good food and buys good food. 

And she is artistic and blessed. 

But the most important thing about my mom is that she loves me.  

Love, Charlie

A Pear Tree in full bloom… Just like Charlie’s Mom, sometimes they’re pretty!Yup.  Nothing like being told by your kid that you are “pretty” SOMETIMES to really make your heart swell! 

By the way, you’ll be happy to know that “Jack” (Jessica’s 7 year old) has suffered no permanent damage from “The Incident” that happened in Florida about a month ago.  If you missed that blog, check out “Boys Will Be Boys”. Trust me, it’s worth the read! 

Enjoy your weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday!

-Dick 

P.S.  More pictures below! Not shown:  Jill’s son Matthew.  He’s 16 and, new license in hand, was busy test-driving his Uncle Eric’s car! 

Jack & Charlie on either side of their “Uncle Dick” 

Gail and our Six Girls

Preston, Jack, Adam, Charlie & an unidentified Pokemon!Julia & Lauren (Jill & JoAnne’s daughters respectively) with Jen’s dog “Luc” - or it might be “Lola”… I’d need a closer look downunder!

It's Time For The Red Wings To Skate... And For Kwame NOT TO!

It’s a huge day for Kwame Kilpatrick!  And for the Red Wings!  Today the Kwamster goes before the parole board… and the Wings try to “parole” the Sharks out of the Play-Offs!

The Diary Of A Madman...

An anonymous US official told the AP that Navy Seals found something pretty unique in Osama Bin Laden’s compound:  His diary! Turns out the Uber-Terrorist kept a handwritten journal filled with his plans and ideas for more attacks on America, including targeting smaller towns and derailing trains.  They say this means he was still running al Qaeda from behind the scenes. 

- The diary also confirmed the previously reported rumor that he had a huge crush on Whitney Houston!    

- His handwriting was messy, but it was still easier to read than the stuff he used to scrawl on the walls of his cave!  

- I’m shocked!  Don’t the SEALS know that you should NEVER read someone else’s diary?  

- The last entry read:  “Hang on a sec… there’s someone at the door.”

"The Donald" Doesn't Duck Hair Raising Questions!

Donald Trump has revealed the secret of his famous hair-do to Rolling Stone Magazine.  “The Donald” says it’s not a combover, but a “little bit forward and back.”  He claims, “I actually don’t have a bad hairline,” and his routine is to shampoo with Head ‘N’ Shoulders, then let it air dry for about an hour while he watches TV and reads the paper.  

- If he uses Head ‘N’ Shoulders how come he’s such a flake?  

- The Obama administration is demanding that he release a drugstore receipt proving that he bought the shampoo in this country! 

- So I guess you could say he’s “Head ‘N’ Shoulders” above the other potential GOP presidential candidates.  

- I’m writing the formula down so I can give it my barber Tom!

- And all this time I thought he used the same shampoo as Geoffrey Fieger… “Ego ‘N’ Shoulders”.