New Orleans plastic surgeon Dr. Elizabeth Kinsley has developed an iPhone app with 3D imaging technology to help women visualize what they’d look like with breast implants. The woman just takes a pic of herself in a bra or bathing suit, then uses a sliding tool bar to make her boobs bigger or smaller. It also links to plastic surgeons in the users area and lets them upload the photo to Facebook so family and friends can weigh in with their opinions.
- Want Bigger Boobs? Now there really is an App for That!
- These pictures are gonna get more “Likes” than the one of Pippa Middleton in her Royal bridesmaid gown!
- Dr. Kinsley is reportedly working on a similar program for men that also uses a “sliding tool bar”…
- It might not be a good idea to upload these pictures to your brothers-in-law…
- If you put these pictures on the internet, expect to be getting a lot of new Facebook “friend requests” from guys!
- This will make a great new dating service… Instead of “eHarmony.com” this will be “double dHarmony.com”!
Police in Petoskey got a call about a man hanging from the side of a downtown buisness at 1a.m. They arrived to find a chubby , long-haired 31-year-old man dressed in a homemade Batman costume. He was carrying a baton-like striking weapon, a can of chemical irritant spray and a pair of lead-lined gloves. His “secret identity” turned out to be Mark Williams. On his MySpace page, Williams describes himself as a geek who loves “The Dark Knight,” likes to help others and is fed up with people who create drama.
- Apparently his definition of “drama” doesn’t include hanging from a building dressed up as a superhero at one in the morning.
- I always thought seeing a Robin was a sign of Spring, but I guess in Petoskey it’s seeing a Batman.
- If you ask me he looked more like “Fatman” than “Batman”.
- He was bailed out of jail by a nicely dressed, elderly man named “Alfred”.
- There was a super-secret pocket in his bat-utility belt where he keeps his “medications”!
There are reports that the producers of “Two And A Half Men” were very close to signing Hugh Grant to replace Charlie Sheen. He was thought to be perfect: a movie star with comedy chops and a bad boy reputation. But just before inking the deal, the admittedly lazy Grant decided that a weekly series would be too much of a grind so he backed out.
- Hugh doesn’t like “the grind” unless it comes with “a bump”.
- The producers attributed the idea of hiring Grant to “Divine” inspiration.
- Hugh refused the role, but he did ask for a copy of Charlie Sheen’s “Little Black Book of Hookers”.
Under pressure from House lawmakers, the Navy has abruptly reversed it’s decision that would have allowed chaplains to perform same-sex unions if the Pentagon decides to recognize openly gay military service later this year. The Navy said its lawyers want to do a more thorough review of the legal decision that allowed Navy Chaplains to receive training to perform civil unions on military bases, but only in states where gay marriage is legal.
- The decision is being condemned by the majority of Rear Admirals.
- If allowed, the ceremony will be performed on a dingy.
- Ship Captains will now yell, “All Hands on Deck… And OFF each other!”
A Yemeni man who pounded on the cockpit door of a US-bound American Airlines flight while yelling “Alahu Akbar” (“God is Great”) is being held without bail in San Francisco. But his family claims the man is neither religious nor political. They said it was only his third time on a plane and he might have mistaken the cockpit for the bathroom and been desperate to get in.
- Authorities say they have two problems with the explanation: #1 and #2.
- Usually the only people who mention “God” in an airplane bathroom are members of the “Mile High Club”.
- Didn’t he notice that there was no “Occupado” sign on the cockpit door?
According to E-Poll Research, which gauges celebrity likeability for endorsement deals, the most appealing celebrities in America are Betty White, Sandra Bullock and Will Smith. They scored 55, 52 and 49 respectively on a scale of 1 to 100. The biggest drops came for Susan Boyle and Mel Gibson. But the least appealing celebrity of all is Spencer Pratt who has a Dislike rating of 73. That was enough to beat out the 2nd most disliked celeb… O.J. Simpson.
- Poor O.J. - he just can’t win for losing!
- The #3 most Disliked celeb was Osama Bin Laden, but that’s sort of a moot point now.
- Don’t be surprised to see Betty White replace Bill Bonds on TV encouraging you to “Call Sam!”… but only after you take advantage of the biggest one-day sales event in Gardner White’s history!
- I’m surprised Lady Gaga didn’t make the top of the list… she’d be a natural to endorse meat: “Beef. It’s What’s To Wear!”
Lady Gaga has made a deal to include her music in a special version of the Facebook game Farmville called “GagaVille”. It will be a virtual version of the old Paris Hilton-Nicole Richie show, “The Simple Life,” only this virtual farm will have a unique Lady Gaga touch. The company said, “Think crystals, unicorns and gay sheep on motorcycles.”
- Gay sheep on motorcycles? What a coincidence! That was part of the dream I had last night!
- “GagaVille”… That’s what we used to call my high school cafeteria.
Researchers at a Singapore Hospital have discovered a possible natural alternative to Viagra. They’re developing an impotence treatment based on hydrogen sulphide, the gas that smells like rotten eggs and boys use to make “stink bombs”. Studies show that the smell of the gas boosts blood flow to the penis and can help men have sex.
- But only if it comes from a “stink bomb” thrown by topless supermodel Heidi Klum.
- My mother once told me not to make a stink bomb… Now I find out I should have told her I was making it for “medical research”!
- 100% of women surveyed said they’d rather have their husband just take the pill.
On this day in 1949, the first Polaroid camera went on sale in New York. It only took black and white photos and cost $89.95, which was very expensive for 1949.
- But the men didn’t care! It allowed them to get naked pictures of their girlfriends in just 60 seconds!
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
After 25 years, four kids and two gubernatorial terms, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver announced that they’ve separated. Over the years there’s been a lot of talk about stresses on marriage such as her being a rich Kennedy family liberal and him a Republican, and Maria having to stand by him during his first election when he was accused of groping women. Shriver reportedly moved out of their California mansion several weeks ago.
- She tried to get Arnold to move out, but he kept saying, “I’ll be bock”.
- Arnold is reportedly having a harding time getting a grope, uh, a grip on his emotions.
- Wow… a Kennedy marriage ending in divorce. I didn’t see that one coming.
- In a never before attempted TV event, Maria Shriver will host a two hour NBC special where she’ll actually interview herself about the divorce.
- When Maria told Arnold that her Uncle Ted had suggested the divorce, Arnold said “If he told you to drive off a bridge would you do it?”
According to Freep.com, Carlita Kilpatrick says the release of her husband’s salacious text messages not only ruined Kwame’s life, but prevented her from working on their troubled marriage. She said, “I am very angry at the entire process. It has prevented any healing or reconciliation.”
- Like, say, the theraputic act of beating the crap out of him with a baseball bat.
- Too be honest, Kwame is a lot safer in prison!
She also told a psychiatrist that Kwame is very depressed, having trouble sleeping, and worried about his future.
- What future?
- Kwame’s so down he’s lost his appetite. He’s down to a scrawny 300 pounds!
Prof. Terri Fisher of Ohio State University disproved the cliche that men think about sex every seven seconds. She asked 163 students of both sexes to carry a chart and mark down everytime they thought about sex, food or sleep. The results? Men think about sex about once an hour but think about food and sleep much more frequently. And they think about all three - sex, food, and sleep - more often than women do.
- Well, duh!
- The women in the study said they were just too tired to think about sex or food.
- Charlie Sheen doesn’t think about sex once an hour, he has sex once an hour!
- Men usually go for the trifecta: Sex, a sandwich and then a nap.
New York’s Orthodox Jewish newspaper Di Tzeitung apologized for editing Hillary Clinton out of the iconic photo of the White House inner circle watching the Bin Laden raid. Their policy is not to run photos of women because they believe it can be sexually provocative, thus Hillary was deleted.
- Bill Clinton is still laughing.
- This explains why Hillary never made the cover of the “Sports Illustrated Pantsuit Edition”!
The paper said their photo editor got carried away in the euphoria and “wanted to show what he could do in photoshop”.
- He is good! He also changed Obama’s “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt, with the arrow pointing at Joe Biden, into a dress shirt.
The Royal Wedding had an unexpected impact on pop culture. Photos of Kate Middleton’s sister and Maid-of-Honor “Pippa” wearing a tight designer gown had men agog. Especially the pix taken from behind. It’s led to an avalanche of Internet worship, including a Facebook page called “The Pippa Middleton Arse Appreciation Society”.
- Which has way more followers that the “Camilla Parker Bowles Horse Appreciation Society”.
- Prince Harry sprained his thumb hitting the “Like” button.
- There’s also a Facebook page for Carolyn “Cheeks” Kilpatrick, but that’s a whole different story.
On this day in 1869, a golden spike was driven at Promontory Point, Utah, to mark the joining of the tracks from the west and east for the first transcontinental railroad.
- The caboose was named “Kim Kardashian” because you could see it from coast to coast.
Also on this day in 1933, Nazi Germany staged massive public book burnings.
- Unfortunately the only book they didn’t burn was “Mein Kamph”.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
Videos released over the weekend have shed new light on the life Osama Bin Laden lived for the last five or six years in his secret digs Pakistan. Turns out the “Terrorist in Chief” liked to spend time watching himself on TV! The clip below shows him sitting on the floor - remote control in hand - flipping back and forth betweens channels, all showing coverage of himself. You can’t see it in the footage, but I’m sure he was enjoying tea from one of the twenty-some “World’s Greatest Dad” mugs he got from his twenty-some kids last Father’s Day.
He’s wrapped in what appears to be a weathered old blanket (Although it could be a Snuggi… “It keeps you warm but keeps your hands free to watch videos of yourself inciting terrorist attacks!”) It’s amazing watching him play with his clearly gray beard (a beard that mysteriously shows up completely black in the videos he released calling for Jihad against America). Apparently, the local Abbottabad Rite-Air stocks, “Just for Maniacal Madmen”.
The piece, from the AP, also shows what appears to be the dearly deceased Bin Laden doing repeated takes of the videos he recorded for al Qaeda in order to get everything from the lighting to the wording just right! Look for the moment where he looks off camera as if someone just pointed out that he made a mistake. I can just hear the “producer” saying, “Cut! The teleprompter says ‘Death to America’ not ‘Wealth to America’ Osama!” Hey… everybody makes mistakes.
I couldn’t help but imagine that at any moment, The Big O’s four wives would stick their head in the room and say (in unison) “Honey… Dinner’s ready! We’re having Camel-meatloaf with hummus, your favorite!”
And is there any doubt that he occasionally wandered outside (in a bathrobe, black socks and sandals) yelling “Hey you kids! Get off of my sand!”???
Watch the video and let me know what you think. What I see is a pathetic, narcissistic aging madman locked away in a squalid room - trying to hold on to his “glory days” in the cave. A room, I’m sure, just down the hall from the one the SEALS took him out in, last week.
Some people feel that these new home videos showing “The Softer Side of Osama” shouldn’t have been released. I, for one, am all for it. If even one of Bin Laden’s “Loyal Followers” see him as he really was - not the well-crafted, well-rehearsed, almost God-like persona he presented to the world, but the older, shaggy, homeless-looking man we see in these videos, maybe they’ll stop thinking of him as a glorified leader and realize that he was just a worn out, graying, Terrorist has-been. Probably not… but there’s always hope.
I’m just sorry that now that he’s shark bait, and sleeping with the fishes, we’ll never get a chance to see him on “Dancing With The Terrorists”!
Happy Mother’s Day to all you Mom’s out there! As for my family, my wife Gail, the mother of our six daughters and me, the father of our six daughters (as far as I know…) will be joining our kids and their kids (seven so far!) at my daughter Jennifer’s house for our Annual Mother’s Day celebration!
And for your listening and dancing pleasure we have for you two “Mother’s Days” songs. The audio-only one, I’ve played on the radio around every Mother’s day for probably 35 or 40 years! The other, is just a few years old… and comes with a video!
As President Obama visits Ground Zero following his decision NOT to release the post-mortem photos of Osama Bin Laden, we’re learning a lot about how Bin Laden was living in Pakistan. He was reportedly locked inside with 9 women and 23 children; there was marijuana growing in his garden, possibly for his kidney pain; and he had 500 euros sewn into his clothes in case he had to make a quick getaway.
- I guess that whole “quick getaway” thing didn’t work out too well for him.
- 9 women and 23 children? Apparently he was only interested in that whole 72 “virgin” thing when he got to paradise.
- Osama had a pot garden? You mean the poor guy not only had kidney problems, he had glaucoma?
- Apparently he was even “higher” on America’s wanted list than we thought.
- This explains why he was known to say, “I’d walk a mile with my Camel for a Joint”.
- Apparently the Seals misunderstood when Osama said, “I need a hit… man!”
New Orleans plastic surgeon Dr. Elizabeth Kinsley has developed an iPhone app with 3D imaging technology to help women visualize what they’d look like with breast implants. The woman just takes a pic of herself in a bra or bathing suit, then uses a sliding tool bar to make her boobs bigger or smaller. It also links to plastic surgeons in the users area and lets them upload the photo to Facebook so family and friends can weigh in with their opinions. 
- Want Bigger Boobs? Now there really is an App for That!
- If you put these pictures on the internet, expect to be getting a lot of new Facebook “friend requests” from guys!
