"Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful!"

People Magazine has revealed their “Most Beautiful Person of 2011” and it’s… Jennifer Lopez!  JLo said that she was floored by the honor despite have made the list 11 times before.  Other “Beautiful People” include Zac Efron, Jessica Simpson, Katie Holmes, Jennifer Hudson and Sandra Bullock.  

- Among those surprisingly not on the list… Kim Jong Il, Helen Thomas and Big Al Muskovito. 

- When Tom Cruise heard his wife Katie Holmes had made the list he called Oprah and asked if he could come over and jump on her couch. 

Oprah's Kinda Like The Superbowl Without The Ball...

As the Queen of, well, just about everything, heads into the final stretch of her daytime TV show… she’s landed some pretty impressive guests including the Obamas.  But advertisers who want to jump on board for her final week of shows will have to pony up big bucks.  Each 30 second ad will cost a cool one million dollars. 

- Except for Gayle King and Stedman who will each get to air a 30 second video resume for free.  

- As a special surprise, Oprah is going to give the President a second term!

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1970, the crew of the ill-fated Apollo 13 mission radioed to NASA, “Houston, we’ve got a problem here.” 

- Luckily, they had AAA moon-side service!

Speaking of "Houston, We Have a Problem"...

Lady Gaga fell down at her concert in Houston Monday night.  Here’s the video for your viewing pleasure…

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here Thursday!

-Dick

It's Great To Be Back! NOT!

We’re baaaack!  After a week of the whole family having fun-in-the-sun, Jackie and I are back at the comedy keyboard.  Many thanks to Big Al for sitting in and doing such an outstanding job while we were gone! Sorry if there are any misspellings this morning, but I forgot that I didn’t need to put on sunscreen and my fingers keep sliding off the keys… 

 

 

Maybe She Should Try Clicking Her Heels Together!

After serving just 7 months of her 37-month prison sentence at “Camp Cupcake” in West Virginia (the same federal prison camp that hosted Martha Stewart!) Monica Conyers wants to go home. In a three page hand-written letter to to the court, Monica claims officials failed to take into consideration her “age, education, vocational skill, employment record, family ties and responsibilities” and believes she should be allowed to serve the rest of her time in “home detention”.  

- Her husband, U.S. Rep. John Conyers immediately wrote a follow-up letter begging the court to deny her request. 

- If they don’t let her go home, there’s gonna be a lot of Shreking… I mean, shrieking!

- If “family ties” was a legit reason to get out of the hooscow, Charles Manson would have been freed years ago.  

Obama Misses His Privates

Apparently President Obama is tired of being in the spotlight.  He told Hearst Magazine that he’s not a golf addict, but it’s his only way to get away for privacy.  He said, “I miss Saturday morning, rolling out of bed, not shaving, getting into my car with my girls, driving to the supermarket, squeezing the fruit, getting my car washed, taking walks.  I can’t take a walk… I miss being anonymous”. 

- From what I hear JFK never missed much time “Squeezing the fruit” while he was the Prez! 

- I guess getting up on Saturday mornings, grabbing a hose, and washing Air Force One just isn’t the same.  

- If he wanted to be anonymous, he should have run for Vice President! 

Now Kirstie's Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop...

“DWTS” judge Carrie Ann Inaba dubbed Kirstie Alley “the Queen of Unexpected Mishaps” after she suffered another disaster on live TV.  Last week her partner collapsed while dipping her.  Then last night during a waltz, as rose petals fell from the ceiling,  Kirstie’s stiletto shoe fell off as she twirled, leaving her partner to slowly circle around her while she struggled to get her shoe back on.  Frustrated, Alley later said, “Look at me, I’m supposed to act like a swan, and I’m putting my shoes on.” 

- I don’t think the shoe “fell off”… I think it jumped off her foot because it couldn’t take the weight!

- Thank God her bra didn’t snap or somebody could have lost an eye. 

- If they’d just invite one of those barefoot Kenyan Marathon runners on the show they wouldn’t have to worry about this kind of thing.  

- I thought the judges were real heels for marking her down!  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1861, Confederate forces fired on Fort Sumter in South Carolina, officially beginning the Civil War.  

- The Confederates were led by Jefferson Davis… and the Yankee’s by George Steinbrenner.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

- Dick

New Ways To Bring Home the Bacon!

Hi, Big Al here sitting in for the final day for Dick and Jackie.  The dynamic duo of DickPurtan.com return Tuesday morning!  And now…on with the news…Saturday, about 700 people attended the Louisville, Kentucky, Visual Art Association’s “Bacon Ball” fundraiser.  The organizers were stunned by the high turnout.  They also expected only 25 or so entries to a bacon-themed art auction.  Instead, they were swamped with over 100 entries, including a carbonated soft drink made from a locally brewed ale infused with fat from pork bellies.

- It got so crowded at the bacon-themed art auction that there was very little room between the exhibits.  Only about, oh, six degrees of separation…Sorry.  (Insert your own Kevin Bacon joke here)

- Among the celebrity judges?  Mad Men actor Jon Hamm, Miss Piggy and Sarah Jessica Porker.  (Sorry, again)

- What’s wrong with this picture?…We can get 700 people to attend a “Bacon Ball”, but our government can’t find away to cut out pork?

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!!!

A Parisian perfumer Fargginay may have created the ultimate cologne for men.  It’s called ” bacon,” (“bay-CONE”), and it smells like bacon.  Their website claims the formula was created in 1920 by French butcher John Fargginay.  A small bottle of “bacon” is now available to anyone for $36.  They call it “the scent of the gods” that takes you to “a new level of awesome.”

- Anybody got any leftover Kevin Bacon jokes?

- So if e-Harmony ain’t workin’ for ya, just slap on some bacon cologne and hit the singles bars…or your favorite breakfast joint.

- Other fragrances created by French Butcher John Fargginay?…Bris-kett, Ode to Filet Mignon and coming soon…Hamburger Helper by Esteak Lauder!



Wait Until Your Father Get's Home!

A California man was arrested last week after he allegedly shot out his son’s stereo speaker with a shotgun.  His 24-year-old son said his dad complained about his loud music and asked him to turn it down or put on headphones.  He claims he did turn it down, but his dad thought he didn’t, so he told his son to get out of the way and blasted the speaker.  The district attorney released the dad without filing charges, because nobody was hurt and the son didn’t feel threatened.

- Sounds like the reaction we used to get from some of our listeners.  (Actually, after some of the material I’ve come up with today, I wouldn’t be surprised if people starting shooting their computers)

- Okay, I have to admit it…I shot my TV last week when Pia got kicked off American Idol.



"Waiter, there's a monkey in my soup!"



Friday, the Washington State Senate voted 46 to 2 to strictly define “service animals” for the disabled.  Restaurant owners had complained that people were bringing in all kinds of animals, including pigs, monkeys and even a snake that a man claimed he’d trained to squeeze him when he started having a seizure. Now, only dogs will be considered service animals, with one exception: specially trained miniature horses.

- But if the miniature horse doesn’t come out of the restaurant within an hour – call PETA and have them check the “Special of the Day”.

- So this miniature horse walks into a bar and the bartender says:  “Hey, why the short face?”  (Rim Shot, please)

- There are several lines that come to mind about that man and his trained snake…but I’m going to keep them to myself.

And on that, I’m out of here!  Yes, Dick and Jackie return Tuesday morning!  Thanks Dick and Jackie for letting me “Web Sit” DickPurtan.com!  Be well everyone and remember, you can always find me at my Official Big Al Muskavito Facebook Fan Page.  All the best!

“Big Al”

PLAY BALL!!! IT’S ANOTHER OPENING DAY!

Hi, “Big Al” here, sitting in again for Dick and Jackie…Well, it’s a right of passage.  It’s the official start of Spring.  And as the old commercial jingle used to say:  “Baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet”.   Unless you’re Dick Purtan, who would skip the crust and only eat the apple part because of all the fat content.   And don’t even get him started about hot dogs…a turkey dog maybe.  But yes, it’s Opening Day in Detroit! 

I’ve been to my share of Opening Days; considered among many as the holiest day of the year.  And on most occasions, it’s usually the coldest day in April.  But cold, hot, rainy, snowy, it’s a day that makes you feel like a kid all over again.  One of my fondest memories was the day my Dad pulled me out of high school and surprised me with two tickets to the game! (Note:  Sorry, the story is true but not this photo.  I borrowed that pic from the Internet!)

While I really do love Comerica Park, nothing can compare to the Opening Days at Tiger Stadium.  Sonny Elliott behind the plate portraying an umpire.  Coleman Young on the mound throwing out the ceremonial first pitch.  Walking up that steep incline to the upper deck seating.  And those men’s rooms - where you had to stand next to a bunch of guys at a single urinal trough.  That was just too much pressure for me!

Another great highlight of Opening Day at Tiger Stadium was seeing “Herbie Redmond the Dancing Groundskeeper”.  Herbie was one of the most colorful and popular characters in Detroit baseball in the 1970s and 1980s. During selected innings Herbie would lead a line-up of sweepers around the base paths to manicure the infield dirt.  But Herbie was the only one who danced his way around the infield with his dance partner – his trusty broom.  Born in 1929 in Birmingham, Alabama, Herbie served in the U.S. Army during the Korean War and worked as a forklift operator for Ford Motor Company before joining the Tiger Stadium grounds crew in 1969.  Herbie passed away in 1990.  Thanks for the memories Herbie!

I hope you’re one of the lucky ones who gets to attend Opening Day today; whether it’s with your office mates, who all ironically called in sick, or with your son, daughter or even grandchild.  Take it all in.  It’s a special day filled with wonderful memories no matter what the final score.  Have fun and please be safe.  Have a great weekend everyone and…PLAY BALL!!!

“Big Al”



An Opening Day "Best of Purtan!"

The following “Best of Purtan” bit (Off of the “Best of Purtan” Volume 7) became a yearly tradition.  It involves a memorable phone conversation between John “Ankles” Stewart and his lovable father Jack Stewart about “Opening Day”.  (Click below to listen!)

“The Best of Purtan”

Read All About It! Kwame Catches a “Prison Break”!

Wednesday Kwame Kilpatrick asked for and was granted a transfer from his federal prison cell in Milan to the state prison in Jackson.  The judge agreed to give the former mayor a “Free Get Out of One Jail to Go Into Another Jail Card” so that he can be evaluated for parole, which could come as soon as July 24^th.

Kilpatrick was all smiles in the courtroom and even joked with the media.  Gosh, he’s such a kidder!

 Meanwhile, our former Hip Hop Mayor is still awaiting trial on federal corruption charges involving a racketeering conspiracy, which is why I’m suggesting he not break his lease with the Milan federal prison just yet.

It was a family affair in the courtroom, as Kwame’s Uncle Raymond Cheeks and Aunt Marsha Cheeks were on hand to offer Kwame supprt.  And speaking of “cheeks”, Kwame was overheard saying that he will miss his Milan cellmate “Bubba” desparately and hopes his favorite diamond earring he left behind will help his former celly get through the lonely moments.  Before being led away in handcuffs, a tearful Kilaptrick reminisced about Bubba saying, “We’ll always have Milan”.

 More details as they become available.  Oh, wait, I almost forgot…Please take seriously that “Don’t Pick Up Hitchhikers” sign near Jackson Prison.      



In Honor of Today's First Round of the Masters, We Bring You a Classic "Best of Purtan" Re-Play!..."The Tiger Woodstein Story!"

It’s Masters golf coverage like you’ve never heard it before!  Well, actually as a loyal listener of the Dick Purtan Show, you probably did hear it before.  But I digress…For your listening enjoyent we present an encore presentation of “The Tiger Woodstein Story” - Just “Fore” You!!!  Oh, and yes, that’s me in the back, Big Al, hunting down a “Tiger” for that big “Ryder Cup” interview at Oakland Hills  in 2004. 

(Click below and listen!)

“The Tiger Woodstein Story”

A Night Where Humor Meets Hope!

You Can Make a Difference and Change the Direction of a Young Person’s ‘s Life at “Joe Nipote’s comedySLAM™!

This is Big Al and I’m honored to be included in a “Night of Slammin’ Standup Comedy™” as “Joe Nipote’s comedySLAM™”- Benefiting the Birmingham YMCA Strong Kids Campaign returns April 16th at the Reserve in Birmingham with 5 new hilarious comedians. Tickets are $75 & $100. $100 tickets include preferred seating and a VIP after-party where you can mingle with Joe and the comedySLAM™ Stars. Come laugh yourself silly and help some very deserving and needy children in Michigan. Purchase tickets directly at the Birmingham YMCA or by calling 248-644-9214.  It’s gonna be FANSLAMMINTASTIC!™

Kwame Returns To Detroit! Hallelujah! Finally, Some Welcome Relief From The Charlie Sheen Coverage!

Hi, it’s Big Al and I’m baaaaaack, for a couple more days while Dick and Jackie take a break from their Web Work.  And look who else is baaaaaack!  Kwame Kilpatrick is expected to be in federal court today in Detroit.  His mission this time?  To ask for permission to be transferred from his federal prison cell in Milan, where he’s serving an 18-month probation violation, to a state prison facility. To make a long legal story short, let’s just say it has something to do with making it easier for the Kwamster to be evaluated for parole, which he is eligible for on July 24^th. 

Meanwhile, let’s take a journey down Memory Lane, shall we?  In honor of Kwame’s incarceration, I thought I’d post the audio from one of my favorite Kwame Kilpatrick bits from the good old days on the Dick Purtan Show.  Brilliantly written by the one and only Jackie Purtan and inspired by the great film The Shawshank Redemption.  Our friend Quintin Hicks provides the incredible Morgan Freeman impersonation!

Ladies and Gentlemen, for your listening pleasure I bring you…

“The Kwamshank Redemption!”   (click below)

“The Kwamshank Redemption”  

She Just Can't Wipe That Smile Off Her Face!

Archeologists plan to excavate under a former convent in Florence, Italy, for the remains of the Mona Lisa. The Leonardo da Divinci painting is believed to be a portrait of a wealthy merchant’s wife, Lisa Gherardini, but there are rumors that it could be anyone from a streetwalker to Da Vinci himself in drag. They hope to find enough fragments of Gherardini’s skull to reconstruct her face and compare it to the Mona Lisa.

- Somewhere up in Heaven I’m sure Lisa Gherardini is smiling…not a really big smile, just kind of a little one.

- There’s another rumor going around that the woman in the famous Whistler’s Mother painting was actually actor Anthony Perkins in drag!  (Cue the “Psycho” sound effect, please)  “Mother, stop yelling at me!  Mother, please!!!”

THIS JUST IN!  BREAKING NEWS!…The “suspected” remains of Mona Lisa have just been recovered and it’s, it’s, OMG…Jimmy Hoffa!

P.S.  I know there’s a good “DA VINCI CODE” joke in there somewhere, but I’m having writer’s block.  If you think of one, post it on Dick’s Facebook Page!

Today’s Almanac...It's A Real Treat!

On this day in 1930, bakery executive James Dewar invented Twinkies.  Eight years later, on the same date, Roy J. Plunkett invented Teflon…Using the same ingredients found in a Twinkie!

THIS JUST IN!  MORE BREAKING NEWS!…The remains of the first Twinkie have just been unearthed by a man by the name of “Big Al” Muskavito, who said upon the discovery:  “Mmmm, boy, this Twinkie tastes just as fresh as the day it was baked!”

I’m sure you’ve all had your “fill-ing” of me today.  See you back here tomorrow!  Have a great day!

Yours Truly…“Big Al”