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You'll Never Guess Which Retired Radio Personality May Be TOO Sexy!

Hi, Big Al here, sitting in the big web chair again for Dick and Jackie while they take a few days off.  Today we start off with a story that comes to us from our very own backyard. It’s a about a new law that deals with the issue of what’s too sexy for today’s billboards, and you’ll just never guess whose name enters the conversation!

Click on the story below from My Fox 2 Detroit and hear for yourself!

What you didn’t hear at the end of the Fox 2 Detroit video is what my good buddy and Fox 2 anchor Sherry Margolis had to say on the air after the story aired.  

 

She said something to the effect that Dick Purtan is definitely sexy, with or without the mustache!

Duh!  Like Sherry, tell the world something we didn’t already know! 

 

 

 

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The Dancing With The Stars Tumble Heard Around the World!

Last night on “Dancing With The Stars” pro dancer Maksim Chmerkovsky’s thigh gave out during a rumba.  He grimaced and fell to the ground in pain but recovered masterfully, and the pair finished a relatively nice routine.  Watch it here!

-  The good news was that Maksim finished the routine…The bad news is his leg was broken, so they had to put him down!   

Want to see some REALLY GREAT DANCING?!  Watch below to see me dance as Queen Elizabeth.  If I go viral, I’m taking you all with me to Hollywood!  

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Forgive Me, But Can You Stand One More Story About Me? Hey, While Dick & Jackie Are Away, The Mouse-kavito Will Play!

Well, the local press coverage of me portraying “Queen Elizabeth” just won’t quit!  Apparently people just can’t get enough of Her Roy - “Al” Highness…ME!  The Neal Rubin article about my latest adventures as “The Queen” appeared in the on-line edition of Sunday’s Detroit News, but today it’s in full, living color on Page 2 of the printed edition of the News.  I almost spilled my $300 cup of coffee at Starbuck’s this morning when I flipped the paper open.  If you can’t get to a newsstand near you, I’ve copied the article below for your reading enjoyment!  Remember, the article is for “immature” audiences only.  

Purtan Sidekick Alan Muskovitz Works Out the Next Stage of His Entertaining Career.

By Neal Rubin

Purtan sidekick Alan Muskovitz works out the next stage of his entertaining career Alan Muskovitz was on his way to Florida, taking a week off from his year off, when he had a sudden, piercing thought. He’s been trying not to overdo the cogitation, but he found himself wondering nonetheless: If he were still on the radio with Dick Purtan, what would he be doing about the royal wedding? It’s been 53 weeks since Purtan signed off at WOMC-FM (104.3), leaving Muskovitz to fend for himself and actually get some sleep for a change. Known as Big Al Muskavito during his 14 full-time years on a truly iconic show, Muskovitz wrote scripts, acted them out and did upwards of 60 different voices. For a stage performance that happened to fall on Purtan’s birthday, he also dressed like Marilyn Monroe and sang a breathy “Happy Birthday.” Few people can (or would) claim that skill set, and it’s one that Muskovitz is only now figuring out how to apply to life off the air. That takes us back to the original question about the royal wedding, and the answer was obvious:  Dress like Queen Elizabeth II and dance around his living room. Over-the-top and big-in-the-bottom, Muskovitz’s queen is cavorting through videos on YouTube and stands widely available for radio shows, television programs, conventions, bridal shops or bar mitzvahs. After a year of recharging, he and Her Highness are telling the world two things. First, “I’m out there, I’m creative, and I want to work again doing creative things.” Second, he’s very difficult to embarrass. Funny since fourth grade Muskovitz, 56, was the kid in fourth grade who not only knew all the routines on Bill Cosby’s latest album, he could deliver them in Cosby’s voice. He went on to become the funniest real estate advertising specialist in Oakland County, and that’s what he might still be if he and his wife hadn’t sold their condo to WJBK-TV (Channel 2) newscaster Sherry Margolis and her husband, writer Jeff Zaslow. The four became fast friends, and having laughed most of the way up north one day, Margolis told Muskovitz, “You should be on Dick Purtan’s show.” It was 1992, and that was like telling a guy spinning stories at a party he should be sitting next to Johnny Carson. Yeah, right, Muskovitz said, but Margolis reached out, Purtan’s producer agreed to listen to an audition tape, and then the phone rang: Can you do Bill Clinton? No problem. He started with Purtan as an occasional voice, then came aboard permanently when the show moved to WOMC. Once, he did his Regis Philbin for Philbin, who talked about it the next day on his show. Another time, he talked his way through the Townsend Hotel switchboard as Sen. Edward Kennedy to reach John F. Kennedy Jr., then did it again as Jimmy Carter. Landscape changes Then radio changed and the fun leached out of it and Purtan retired, because you can’t do comedy when management is pestering you to play 14 songs an hour. Writing late and performing early, Muskovitz had been existing on maybe 41/2 hours of sleep a night. Zaslow advised him to sit back for a while, figure out his niche and shoot at a wider target. “I think he’d be a great monologue writer for one of the late-night TV shows, and he could also do entertaining bits here and there on air,” Zaslow said. “I could also picture him in prison, entertaining the guards for extra rations.” Muskovitz is open to most anything. He played the leader of a polka band on an episode of “Detroit 1-8-7,” and he’s done some voice-overs, but competition is so high and technology is so easy that impressionists are competing against people half a continent away who’ll work for $25. The Queen Elizabeth videos went to Jay Leno, who said no, and “The View,” which said nothing, and Ellen Degeneres, whose people asked, “Can you dance?” So he kicked up his sensible shoes and taped another routine — and they said, “Sorry. Don’t need you.” It’s a long race, though, and he’s just out of the starting blocks, and he’s an optimist. By Friday morning, the dancing video had 38 views online. “I’m only 999,962 hits away,” he said, “from going viral.” 

Assuming you’ve read this far, thank you for sticking with me!  I’ll see you back here tomorrow…Unless I’m summoned to the Tower of London for a haircut!

Big Al

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Something is Rotten in Denmark...And Chicago!

Hi, it’s Big Al and I’m “Web Sitting” for Dick and Jackie this week.  And now the news!…

Did you pick up on that strange smell in the air last night?  It was coming out of the west.  Sunday night was garbage night in my neck of the woods; was that where the stench was coming from?  Alas, I figured it out; the foul smell was coming from Chicago and Charlie Sheen’s second stop on his “My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat is Not An Option” tour!  

Yes, after the “Debacle in Detroit” opening Friday night, Sheen performed what was called an “improved” show to a sold out audience at the 3,600-seat Chicago Theater.  And what better place for Sheen to spew his nonsense than in a city with “Windy” as part of its nickname.  Right from the beginning Charlie used expletives to describe the reaction he got Friday night in Motown, where a disappointed crowd regaled him in a chorus of boos.  It just proves we have better taste than our friends across the lake…not to mention better pizza!  

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The Early Bird and the Pistons Get "The Worm"!

It was great to see Dennis “The Worm” Rodman get his number “10” jersey retired Friday night at the Palace.  Surrounded by many members of his Bad Boy championship teammates, an emotional Dennis thanked the crowd, his family and the franchise.

Top 3 highlights from Dennis’ Big Night…

1)  Dennis being detained for over an hour at a Palace metal detector while he removed his 300 metal piercings.  

2)  Watching the Diet Coke Dennis was drinking leak out of the holes in his body after he removed his piercings.  And…

3)  Isaiah Thomas hitting on female Palace employees.

-  Unfortunately the Pistons came up short in the game that followed Dennis’ number being retired; losing to one of his other former teams, the Chicago Bulls.  Of course on this Friday night there was more “Bull” coming out of Chicago at the Charlie Sheen concert!  

 -  Oh, and by the way, not many people know this…Dennis was given the nickname “The Worm” because of something he contracted after sleeping with Madonna.  


 

 

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The Biggest Political Shock of the Year!!!

Yes, in the biggest political surprise of the year…President Obama has announced that he is running for a second term as U.S. president!  Man, I didn’t see that comin’!

The President’s campaign announced today in a web video posted on his campaign website, and in an e-mail to supporters, that he will run again in 2012.  The White House officials said over the weekend that his campaign would file papers this week with the Federal Election Commission to launch his 2012 re-election effort.

-  The President would’ve announced his intention to run again last week, but he decided to wait until he found his birth certificate.

-  The President immediately announced that his 2012 re-election campaign would officially be called:  “My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat is Not An Option” Campaign.  -  And oh yeah, President Obama also said he most definitely plans on “WINNING!”

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It's Not About Me!...

Okay, well maybe just a little…

Thank you to Neal Rubin for his brilliant article in yesterday’s On-Line Edition of the Detroit News about a local, brilliant, articulate, genius of a radio personality who is a legend in his own mind…Me!  Read the story and watch me dancing as “Queen Elizabeth” @ www.detnews.com.  Yes, I’m a “Dancing Queen”!

More Great Links for Your Entertainment!…

Visit me at my Official Big Al Muskavito Facebook Fan Page and at…

My LaughWithBigAl YouTube Channel.  But wait, there’s more!…

Visit my new web page bigalmuskavito.com!  (Sill very much under construction)

AND FINALLY!!!…Don’t forget to join me at Joe Nipote’s comedySLAM™ on Saturday, April 16th!  Comedians Heywood Banks, Mike Green and a host of other great comics get together for a great cause.  Hope to see you there!

Ok, ok, that’s enough!  Thanks for tagging along with me today while Dick and Jackie take a few days off this week.  More scintillating news and views again tomorrow right here at DickPurtan.com!  Have a great day…it’s going to be kind of warm!  Yippee!

Yours Truly,

“Big Al”

 

 

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EXCLUSIVE: Sheen Show Script Leaked & We've Got It!

Well Saturday is the big night… Charlie Sheen will debut his live stage show right here in Detroit at the Fox. For people who thought seeing Charlie live on stage was the greatest moment in showbiz history — it just got even better.  Officials have announced that another “winner” has been added to the list of guest performers: Snoopp Dogg! Talk about a dream ticket! While producers are keeping details of the show close to the vest, we have obtained an EXCLUSIVE copy of the show’s script.  What follows are excerpts from what Charlie will be saying…

*****

ANNCR:  Ladies and Gentlemen… You are among the elite few privileged enough to experience Charlie Sheen’s “Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not An Option” Tour.  Please turn your cell phones off and please welcome to the stage…. Charlie SHEEEEEEEEEEEEN!

CHARLIE ENTERS THE STAGE IN A GOLDEN HAMMOCK CARRIED BY SIX SCANTILY CLAD PROSTITUTES.  “GONNA FLY NOW” – THE THEME FROM ROCKY - PLAYS AS HE STEPS TO THE MICROPHONE.

CHARLIE:

Welcome to the planet Sheen.  I am a Warlock.  I am the King.  I am who you want to be, but unfortunately you never will be because there’s only one me.  And I’m him.  I’m it.  I hit the freakin’ Super Powerball lottery of DNA.  I’m Albert Einstein on steroids.  Put Bill Gates, George Clooney, and the Dahli Lama in a blender… hit puree… pour over ice and treat yourself to a tall glass of Charlie. 

I wasn’t really “conceived” I was sent here to this orb some people call “Earth” to show all you pathetic mortals what you could be if only you were me.  But you’re not.  You’re you.  And that must suck! 

I feel bad for you…. NOT.  Feeling bad for you would imply that I cared  about you and I don’t. I care about one thing and one thing ONLY:  Charlie Sheen.

By the way… on the Planet Sheen, today is “Prostitute Appreciation Day”.   So let’s all tip our hats and drop our pants in salute to the “working girls” who keep this country “up” and running.   

I’m Forrest Hump.  As I always say, “Life is like a box of hookers.   You pay up front so you always know what you’re gonna get.”

Before we begin our “Parade of Porn Stars”… I’d like to read you an excerpt from one of my favorite books – “Goldie Locks and the Three Au Pairs”. 

Ah… screw the excerpt!  Let’s just say in my version Papa Bear’s bed is the one that’s Juuuuuust right!

Winning!

Well “losing” is the state of Michigan that just passed a law that strip clubs can no longer put pictures of “models” on their billboards. That’s like takin’ the “mmm, mmm good!” logo off the Campbell’s soup cans.  

I’m like Visa.  I’m everywhere you want to be.  But you can’t get there can you?  Because you’re not Charlie Sheen.  I am.

Okay…  I can see that you’ve got questions.  Go ahead.  Bring it.  But I warn you that my answers will make your liver quiver and will turn your wisdom teeth into idiots.  By the way, I caused the earthquake in Japan.  Just a little payback for that crappy movie “Pearl Harbor”.  Karma’s a bitch, man.  And so are my three ex-wives.  

Speaking of marriage… Dennis Rodman’s in town.  They retired his #10 jersey at the Pistons game last night. He’s backstage right now putting on his wedding gown and will be out after my two “Goddesses” perform their rendition of that rock ‘n roll classic, “My Ding-A-Ling”…  

*****

Okay. I know what you read above is just plain weird… but then again, so is Charlie!  Besides, Happy April Fools Day!  

-Dick

P.S. Unfortunately I can’t make the show… I’ve got tickets to see Lil Wayne at the Palace Saturday night! Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday. 

 

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Pretty People Pretty Happy!

University of Texas economists analyzed five large, multinational studies between 1971 and 2009 and found that attractive people are happier and make more money.  They say about a third of people are average or gorgeous, 10-15% are below average or homely, and those in the middle are neither.  When asked to rank thier own happiness, the best-looking people were an average of 10% happier than the ugliest people.  

- So Angelina Jolie is only 10% happier than Helen Thomas?  I don’t think so…

- But thanks to Internet porn, even ugly guys can be happy at the touch of a button! 

- If “gorgeous” people make the most money, then explain Bill Gates.

- The blond female newsreaders on the Fox New Channel must be the happiest people on earth!

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Oprah's Lookin' Rosie!

Oprah Winfrey appears to be annointing Rosie O’Donnell as the new Oprah.  Oprah’s OWN network has been plummeting in the ratings, and her sydicated talk show will end on May 25th.  So she has signed Rosie to do a new show to anchor the OWN line-up - that will be filmed in Oprah’s old studio.  But critics aren’t sure American’s will embrace the former “Queen of Nice” since she’s gotten so political, spent a combative year on “The View” and was even voted “the most annoying celebrity of 2007” by the readers of Parade magazine. 

- She did do a lot better with the readers of “Gay Pride Parade” magazine.  

- So I guess this means Rosie is now one of Oprah’s Favorite Things! 

- Instead of new cars, Rosie will give everyone in her audience the finger.  

- At least the tabloids won’t have any expose about Rosie and her best friend being secretly gay!   

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They Should Get Kicked In The Keester For Doing That To Easter!

Officials in Munson, Ohio, planned to rename the town Easter egg hung the “Spring Egg Hunt” to keep from offending anyone.  Parents were so outraged, a local homebuilder put up $600 to sponsor it privately and call it an Easter egg hunt again. 

- Apparently the idea of a “Spring Egg Hunt” didn’t go over-easy…

- Embarrassed officials are scrambling to come up with an alternate plan. 

- As you can imagine, the Easter Bunny was hopping mad! 

- And not a “peep” from the town Mayor…

- Next up:  They’re gonna change “Labor Day” to “September Monday” so as not to offend the unemployed. 

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It's A Bird... It's A Plane... It's Arnold Super-negger!

With his years as governor behind him, Arnold Schwarzenegger will soon return to his acting career with a new animated TV series. The planned action-comedy cartoon is called “The Governator,” and will focus on a superhero living a double life as an ordinary family man. Schwarzenegger will provide the voice of the title character. The series is planned as the first stage of a franchise that could also include comics and films.

- Don’t all superheros lead a double life?  

- Then there’s Charlie Sheen who leads a double life but isn’t a superhero… except to the 5000 people who bought tickets to see him at the Fox Theater this weekend!  

- Arnold can’t ever run for President because he wasn’t born in this country.  And he’s got the birth certificate to prove it! 

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She Get's A "C" For Cheating

The Minnesota Better Business Bureau says it’s gotten numerous complaints about EssayWritingCompany.com, a business that writes term papers for students for a fee.  One complaint really stood out:  Despite the risk of being busted for cheating, a Colorado woman filed a formal complaint that her paid-for term paper didn’t arrive in four days as promised.  

- Whatever happened to the good old days when you’d just copy off the smart girl sitting next to you for free?

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Ask Your Doctor About "FD"...

Some experts say a new condition called “Facebook Depression” is afflicting teens who obsess over their online interactions and number of friends.  But others say it’s just a new twist on teenagers who’d have low self-esteem and would be depressed even without Facebook. 

 - But without Facebook they wouldn’t be able to know how many of their friends “like” the fact that they have low self-esteem!

- The medical community is all a-Twitter about it!

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Today's Almanac

On this day in 1889, the Eiffel Tower in Paris was officially completely.  

- Giving the French their first legitimate reason for turning their nose up at something.  

 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

 

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Oops...Senator Gets Caught With Foot and Schu(mer) In Mouth!

Democratic Sen. Chuck Schumer of New York put his foot in his mouth Tuesday during a conference call with other Democrats. He thought reporters would soon be joining them, so he told the other Democrats to remember to label any Republican spending cut proposals as “extreme.” He said, “I always use ‘extreme.’ That is what the caucus instructed me to use.” He was then informed that the reporters were already on the line, and he stopped talking in mid-sentence. 

- And to think that Schumer was just 2 days away from being able to yell APRIL FOOLS”!  Oh the humanity!

- The good news is the new health care plan covers “Foot in Mouth” disease.

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Who Said Good Things Come In Small Packages?

The New York Times reports that food companies are hiding price inflation by putting groceries into smaller and smaller packages. One Texas mother of nine noticed that food wasn’t going as far, and she discovered that the one-pound boxes of pasta she always bought now held 13.25 ounces, cans of vegetables had dropped from 16 to as little as 11 ounces, sugar now came in a 4-pound bag instead of 5 pounds, and two-liter ice cream is now 1.5 liters.

- You know I thought that “pound” cake I ate the other day felt a little light.

- Reminds me of the old saying: “Give a man ¾’s of a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.

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It Slithers And Twitters!

The Bronx Zoo says it could be weeks before they find the escaped cobra that got out of its enclosure at the reptile house.  But now an anonymous prankster claiming to be the cobra has taken to taunting them from its own Twitter page, @BronxZoosCobra. So far, “The Cobra” has tweeted that it’s taken in a late night show taping, made plans to attend a Broadway musical, and offered to bite Donald Trump to keep him from running for President.

- If the cobra wants to remain free it shouldn’t bite Trump, it should just hide in his hair.

- The late night show the cobra took in was “Letterman”, the night Dave was doing “Stupid Venomous Snake Tricks”.

- The cobra is probably still on the grounds of the zoo.  I mean what cobra in its right mind would want to be all alone on the streets of New York?

- We all know know that Cobra’s know how to twitter and have their own Cobra health care plan!  

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We Now "Paws" For This Important Beer Story...

Maryland-based Flying Dog Brewery is suing the Michigan Liquor Control Commission for rejecting the name of their 20th anniversary India pale ale. It’s called “Raging Bitch.” It’s the latest in a line of beers that includes “In Heat Wheat” Ale and other suggestive names. The makers say “Raging Bitch” was voted by a trade publication as one of the top 10 new beers of 2010, and censoring the name in Michigan has cost them sales and violated their freedom of speech. They also note that the state commission allowed the sale of a Grand Rapids-made beer called “Dirty Bastard.” 

- Say barkeep; pour me another “Shih Tzu Schlitz”, please!

- My two favorite drinks are a “Long Island Iced Flea” and a “Pina Chihuahua”.

- The Flying Dog Brewery has warned the Michigan Liquor Control Commission that it will not just roll over and play dead.

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The Case Of The Creepy Crustacean Criminal!

Brian Troy McDaniel of Conewago, Pennsylvania, was arrested after he allegedly stuffed two bags of frozen shrimp down his pants at a supermarket, then attacked an officer as he tried to run away. A security guard said he saw McDaniel stuff one bag of frozen shrimp down the “crotch area” of his pants, but he didn’t see where he put the other one. 

- Upon a strip search they found shrimp and crabs.

- A great way to impress the ladies!  Stuff a bag of stuff labeled “Shrimp” down your pants!

- The shrimp thief threatened to blow up the supermarket with a Molotov Cocktail Sauce bomb.

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