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Today's Almanac

On this day in 1867, U.S. Secretary of State William H. Seward agreed to buy Alaska from Russia for $7.2 million, a deal ridiculed as “Seward’s Folly.”

- Seward signed the deal only after the Russians guaranteed that would be able to see Russia from his house.

- Today $7.2 million gets you Sarah Palin’s house, a shotgun and 37 moose.  

Also on this day in 1858, inventor Hyman Lipman patented a process for attaching an eraser to the end of a pencil.

- The next day everybody’s golf scores improved.

 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday morning!

-Dick 

 

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Big Al's Post-Radio Career A Real Drag...Queen!

With the Royal wedding just over a month away preparations for the marriage of England’s Prince William and his fiancee Kate Middleton are in full swing - even on this side of the pond.  Our own Big Al Muskavito (the voice behind Queen Elizabeth on my radio show) has unveiled a new website dedicated to pumping a little fun into all the pomp and circumstance…

Just go to http://www.royalweddingcomedy.com/gmv/ and you can watch a video in which Big Al/Her Majesty explains that he/she will be your go-to guy/girl for all your pre-Royal Wedding needs.  He even managed to get a picture of himself in today’s Free Press! (Also follow Big Al at his Official Big Al Muskavito Facebook Fan Page!)

Nice crumpets, big guy! 

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NATO Waits For DWTS

Monday night, President Obama explained why we’re bombing Libya, saying it prevented the slaughter of thousands of people, and that NATO would take over command of the mission by tomorrow.  But the speech had to run at 7:30 EST because the networks wouldn’t give him prime time on the night “Dancing With The Stars” was on. 

- A lot of people who watched the speech thought Obama was the one doing the dancing. 

- I guess Kirstie Alley put her foot down… and it nearly caused another tsunami. 

- The “DWTS” judges actually rated Obama’s performance… with flamboyant Bruno saying, “It was a SEXY SEXY speech” that left him “wanting more!” 

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Splitting Hairs?

To hammer home his questions about Barack Obama’s eligibility to even be President, possible 2012 contender Donald Trump released his own birth certificate and said it took just one hour to get.  But critics said it’s not an official New York birth certificate because it doesn’t have the state seal and is just a hospital-issued certificate that only verifies that he was born, not where he was born. 

- C’mon..  We all know the Donald was born on the planet Krypton! 

- Trump claims the birth certificate is authentic because it’s got a hand-written note from his father on it reading “You’re Sired!”

- Obama calls The Donald’s challenge that he’s not eligible to be President “Trumped up charges”.

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Move Over Football... There's A New 'Game Of Inches' In Town!

A website called TargetMap.com has determined that the largest penises in the world are in the Congo, with the average man there measuring 7.1 inches.  In second place… Ecuadorian men at 6.9 inches.  The smallest are in Asia, with the Chinese averaging 4.3 inches and South Korea, the smallest of all, at just 3.8 inches.  Interestingly, when you corollate that with a map of IQ’s, you find that the lowest intelligence is where the penises are biggest and the highest I.Q.’s are where the “male organs” are the smallest. 

- So it’s true!  Kim Jong Ill is the smartest man in the world! 

- This explains why women at dances always line up to do the Congo… uh, I mean, Conga!

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Can I Get A Side of Russian?

On the flip side… TargetMap.com also revealed that the largest breasts in the world are in Russia, where the average woman is larger than a D-cup.  The U.S., Venezuela, and France are close behind with D-cups.  The smallest are in Peru, China, and Central Africa where the average breasts are A-Cups. 

- Obviously, they weren’t looking at the same women I used to look at in the African section of National Geographic magazine when I was a boy! 

- So women in Siberia have Size D+ breasts?  I guess “shrinkage” only applies to men. 

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Today's Almanac

On this day in 1992, presidential candidate Bill Clinton uttered those now infamous words: “I didn’t inhale” while admitting to “experimenting with marijuana”.  

- Years later he uttered some other now infamous words: “I did not have sex with that woman… Miss Lewinsky.”  Those were the years when he was “experimenting with interns”.  

 

 Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here Wednesday!

-Dick

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Somebody's Got Some 'Splainin' To Do...

Tonight, President Obama will address the nation on live TV to explain the Libya military action.  He will reportedly let us know who’s in charge and what it is that we’re trying to accomplish…

- Obama’s so desperate for public support, he asked Glenn Beck to join him and diagram it all out on his chalkboard. 

- This Libyan thing is so confusing it makes “Obamacare” seem downright easy to understand.  

- Moammar Gadaffi has already set his DVR so he can re-watch the speech in case he doesn’t understand what’s going on the first time. 

- So have all the guys at the Pentagon…

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Closet Organizers?

Orlando Sentinel reporter Scott Powers was the only pool reporter allowed to cover a big Democratic fundraiser at a Florida mansion the other evening - featuring Joe Biden.  But he told the Drudge Report that a staffer for the Veep told him he wasn’t allowed to mingle with the guests. Instead, he was put in a storage closet - guarded by a staffer.  He was allowed out for 35 minutes to hear Biden’s speech, but was then taken back to the closet for the rest of the night.  Biden’s staff has apologized but critics are questioning whether stuffing a reporter in a closet is legal. 

- Luckily, Biden’s staff is really used to apologizing… it’s just usually for something Joe said. 

- Don’t Democrats usually encourage people to come out of the closet? 

- This is what’s known as “Lack of Freedom of The Press”. 

- Rachel Maddow wasn’t chosen as the pool reporter because she’s already come out of the closet!

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What Are They Gonna Do With All The Sext Books?

Madonna is facing lawsuits and a lot of bad publicity after canceling plans to build a $15 million school for poor girls in Malawi.  Locals were already mad at her for allegedly bending rules to adopt two Malawi kids and for forcing a village to move to make room for the school.  Now Madonna has pulled the plug on the school after learning that her charity’s executive director - the partner of her former personal trainer - quit after admitting that he and some staffer’s spent $3.8 million on salaries, golf memberships, chauffeured cars and other luxuries before the first brick was laid. 

- When I think of Madonna, it’s not usually “bricks” I think of as getting laid.  

- It was going to the be the first school in history to teach “Sex Ed” in Kindergarten! 

- The kids attending Madonna’s school would have been required to get the usual vaccinations… and a few extra shots of penicillin. 

- If you can’t trust the life-partner of your formal personal trainer with $15 million bucks… who can you trust? 

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Use Your Money Maker to Save Money!

A new poll of 3,000 British women revealed that 85% of those surveyed admitted to flirting with salesmen in order to get discounts.  They estimate that hair-tossing, eye contact, giggling and being overly friendly saves them an average of $250 (US) a year.  56% of the women say they’ve successfully used flirting to get things for free. 

- The women did admit that the whole flirting thing rarely worked with the guy who does their hair.  

- Big deal!  Hookers actually get paid for flirting!

- The moral of the story:  Stop clipping coupons and just show a little cleavage!  

- So women can get money off…  just by turning a guy on.  

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The Itch Is Back...

Wake Forest University dermatologists proved that like yawns, itches are visually contagious.  They call it “itch transmission”.  They had volunteers watch a video of someone else scratching himself, and that alone was enough to make them start scratching.  Even when a substance that causes itching was applied to a patch of their skin, they still tended to scratch more on random parts of their bodies, just like the person in the video. 

- “Itch Transmission”.  I thought that’s what happens when you go out on a date with Charlie Sheen.  

- So I guess we can scratch another “scientific mystery” off our list. 

- As they say, “Life’s an Itch and Then You Die”. 

- This study was sponsored by “Cruex”… Just look for the box with the picture of Roseanne Barr on the front!

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She's A Waskily Wabbit!

Life & Style Magazine reports that Hugh Hefner’s 24-year-old fiancee Crystal Harris is already cheating on him… with Dr. Phil’s son, record executive Jordan McGraw.  But a Playboy spokesman insisted their relationship is “strictly professional”.  

- Hef is said to be devastated!  All this time he thought he was marrying a virgin! 

- Dr. Phil said, “Bunnies are like rabbits.  Dangle a carrot out in front of them and they can’t help themselves.”

- Gosh… he’s 84!  Where is Hugh ever gonna find another buxom 20-something blond to marry him?  Oh yeah, in his bedroom! 

 

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No More Big "O"!

The end of an era now has an official date: Oprah Winfrey announced that the final episode of her talk show will air on May 25th, but she didn’t say what she plans to do on the show. 

- She’s going to give everyone in the audience their own country!  

- The Smithsonian has reportedly asked Oprah for two things to put on permanent display:  Stedman and Gayle King. 

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Today's Almanac

On this day in 1930, the Turkish cities of Constantinople and Angora changed their names to Istanbul and Ankara. 

- “Why did Constantinople get the works?  That’s nobody’s business but the Turks’!”

 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

 

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The Rise And Fall Of "The Empire"??

Apparently, Charlie Sheen isn’t the only one who thinks he’s “Winning”. An article by Bret Easton Ellis (fittingly, the author of the novel “American Psycho”) argues that not only is Charlie Sheen Winning - he’s basically a role model for the new celebrity world order. According to Ellis there are two types of “stars”: “Empire” (not good) and “Post-Empire” (excellent!). Put another way, Post-Empire Stars “get it”; “Empire” stars do not… 

Ellis says, “Sheen has embraced post-Empire, making his bid to explain to all of us what celebrity now means. Whether you like it or not is beside the point. It’s where we are, babe.  We’re learning something.  Rock and roll. Deal with it”.  

So who are these Post Empire celebs who “get it”?  According to Ellis, the list includes The Kardshians and the cast of “Jersey Shore”.  Lady Gaga proved she “gets it” by arriving at the Grammy’s inside a giant translucent egg.  Ricky Gervais “gets it” too - which he demonstrated during his hosting of the Golden Globe’s.  However, Robert Downey Jr., who got mad at Gervais for his crass and even cruel remarks, “didn’t get it” by getting angry.   

And the list goes on…

Ellis continues, “James Franco not taking the Oscar telecast seriously but treating it with gentle disrespect totally got it.”  But Ellis points out that Franco’s co-host Anne Hathaway who tried to bring some class to the broadcast didn’t get it at all.  

Surprisingly, despite his embarrassing couch-jumping-I’m-so-in-love “Oprah” episode, Tom Cruise doesn’t get it either, in Mr. Ellis’s opinion. Sure he had a rather public meltdown of sorts, but because he did it with a smile on his face and apologized later… it just proved that Cruise is “Empire”.  

Here’s another quote from the article:

“You’re completely missing the point if you think the Charlie Sheen moment is really a story about drugs. Yeah, they play a part, but they aren’t at the core of what’s happening - or why this particular Sheen moment is so fascinating.  It’s about a well-earned mid-life crisis played out on CNN. Arrests.  Accidental overdoses. Halfhearted stints in rehab and allegedly threatening to cut his wife’s head off and send it to her mother…”  

Throw in all the bizarre rants, the “Tiger Blood”, and the porn stars for good measure and Ellis says, “Sheen has put on a mesmerizing and refreshing display of midlife-crisis honesty.  He’s just himself, an addict — take it or leave it… He’s raw and lucid and intense:  the most fascinating person wandering through the culture”.

If Mr. Ellis’s take on Charlie is right, and Barbara Walter’s feels the same way, look to see Sheen snag the number one spot on her “Most Fascinating People of 2011 Special”.  That is, if he lives that long!

What is so disturbing to me, is that for younger people watching all of this play out — this behavior (not only bizarre but in Sheen’s case dangerous) can’t help but become what they consider “normal”. As Ellis says, “What Sheen has exemplified and clarified is the moment in the culture when not caring what the public thinks of you or your personal life is what matters most… and what makes the public love you even more.”  

Personally, I think there is a lot more at play with Charlie Sheen than just his addictions.  I believe there is definitely some mental illness there.  And given his romantic track record, I wouldn’t be surprised if Syphilis has eaten away part of his brain.  But to set him up as the poster child of “Post-Empire” celebrity-dom and say that that’s a good thing - no, a GREAT thing - is in itself bizarre and potentionally very dangerous! 

I guess, I’m just one of the ones who, happily, “doesn’t get it”.  

Have a great weekend!  See you back here Monday morning!

-Dick

 

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My Mea Culpa (Sorta)...

Obviously I hit a nerve with some of you yesterday with my lines about Elizabeth Taylor.  There were two lines, “Elizabeth Taylor’s Divorce From Life Finalized” and “There will be eight pallbearers… one for each marriage.” (I’m assuming it’s the second one that ruffled some feathers).  I knew when I wrote the line, that it might not go over so well with everyone…  

But you have to understand… most of us boys’ senses of humor never really grow much past high school!   

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Obama Keeps His Eye On The Prize...

An increasing number of foreign leaders have joined Obama supporters like Michael Moore in calling on the President to return his Nobel Peace Prize after authorizing military action in Libya without Congressional approval. But the Commander in Chief says no dice.  Tuesday, the President said, “When I received the award, I specifically said there was an irony because I was already dealing with two wars.”  He added, “I think the American people don’t see any contradiction in somebody who cares about Peace also wanting to make sure that people aren’t butchered because of a dictator who wants to cling to power”.  

- A slightly confused Charlie Sheen said he’ll gladly take Obama’s “Piece Prize”!

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There's No "Plea"sing Lindsay!

Despite warnings that she would almost certainly go to jail at least for violating her probation if she rejected a plea deal, Lindsay Lohan rejected it.  She’s chosen to go to trial on charges of stealing the expensive necklace, because she’s sure she can convince a jury she’s innocent. 

- And she will… if the jury consists of 12 men and she wears that tight white dress to court everyday!

- But California juries are tough!  Just look what happened to O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake. 

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"Regrets, I've Had A Few..."

Northwestern University polled Americans age 20 to 80 to find out what their biggest regrets were.  The number one answer involved romance - either “the one that got away”; a missed opportunity; or someone with whom it didn’t quite work out.  Not surprisingly, 44% of women listed a romantic regret as their biggest, compared to only 19% of men.  

- But the men who did have romantic regrets only regretted not having more sex with “the one that got away” before she got away.  

- If women want to feel better about “the one that got away” they should just check out his current picture on Facebook. Chances are, they won’t feel so bad.  

The second-biggest regrets were family issues, like not being nicer to a loved one.  Other regrets included not going to college, choosing money over your life’s passion, or not getting divorced sooner.  

- That last one tops the list of every one of Larry King’s ex-wives. 

 

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