Stick A Fork In Her... She's Done!

Police in Ohio arrested a 42-year-old woman who allegedly knocked on her neighbor’s door, and when he answered, jabbed him in the chest with a small pitchfork used for toasting marshmellows.  She had earlier made a noise complaint against him.  The man told the cops his marshmallow fork-wielding neighbor, “Had the look of death in her eyes”. 

- Thank God she didn’t own a fondue set or she might have taken out the whole family!

- I wish we had s’more info on this story…

- Police believe she’ll get her just desserts… and they’ll probably involve chocolate and  some graham crackers.

Frankly My Dear, People Seem To Give A Damn!

ABC-TV and People magazine surveyed over a half million people to find out the most popular movie characters of all time.  Counting down from #5 the winners were Indiana Jones, Hannibal Lecter, Scarlett O’Hara, James Bond and at #1, Forrest Gump.  

- What?  No Jimmy Carrey and Jeff Daniels from “Dumb and Dumber?” 

- I can’t believe my two favorites weren’t in the top 5:  Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd!

The same survey asked people to name their all-time favorite film:  The winner?  “Gone With the Wind”. 

- Kwame Kilpatrick voted for “Escape From Alcatraz”.

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1874, Harry Houdini was born.

- He wasn’t actually “born”, he just “escaped”.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

A Hollywood Legend Lost

RIP… Legendary two-time Academy Award winning actress Elizabeth Taylor died early this morning at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles at the age of 79.  She had been in the hospital for the past month undergoing treatment for congestive heart failure.  The much-married Taylor endured a lifetime of heath problems and is considered by many to be the most beautiful movie actress of all time.  

- Their will be eight pallbearers… one to represent each of her marriages.

"Liar! Liar! The Judge's Robe Is On Fire!"

Monday, the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco struck down the Stolen Valor Act, which makes it a crime punishable by up to a year in prison to falsely claim to be a recipient of high military decorations, like the Congressional Medal of Honor.  Seven judges strongly dissented, but in defending every American’s God-given right to be a big, fat liar, Chief Judge Alex Kozinski said the law could make it a crime to perpetuate a child’s belief in Santa Claus; say “I’m working late tonight, honey”; “I didn’t inhale”; or for a dentist to say “This won’t hurt a bit”.  He added, “Saints may always tell the truth, but for mortals, living means lying”. 

- Although he may have been lying when he said that. 

- He left immediately after the ruling, saying he had to meet his girlfriend Jennifer Aniston for lunch.  

- Fifty bucks says this guy was appointed by Bill “I didn’t inhale” Clinton.  

- So when you raise you hand in court and swear “to tell the whole truth” you don’t really have to tell the “whole truth”. 

At Least You'll Die With A Smile On Your Face And Six-Pack Abs...

A new study by Tufts Medical Center found that exercising or having sex can kill you, particularly if you don’t exercise regularly.  They found that your overall risk of having a heart attack triples during the hours immediately after working out or having sex.  But one of the study’s authors said that doesn’t mean exercise or sex are dangerous… it just means that your odds of a heart attack go up from 1 in a million to 3 in a million. 

- Even if he never does a single sit-up, Charlie Sheen is a dead man. 

- This really takes the fun out of having sex while using a thigh master!

- So it’s obvious that Jack LaLanne, who died at age 96, just had too… much… sex!! 

Making a Moutain Out Of A Molehill?

NASCAR driver Robby Gordon is suing a natural male enhancement pill for failing to pay him for displaying their logo on his race team vehicles. Gordon claims  that in August of 2010, he signed a deal with the Exclaim company to promote their male enhancement pill “Extenze” during certain NASCAR races at $230,000 a pop. He claims he drove in three NASCAR races in cars sporting the logo… but never got a dime. 

- He should have gone with a more reputable sponsor like Viagra… I’m sure they would have kept up their end of the bargain.  

- It takes a big man to drive around in front of thousands of people advertising a product that implies that he’s not!  

- In a similar story… Female driver Danica Patrick just inked a fresh endorsement deal with “Summer’s Eve”.   

The Name Is Bonds, Steroid Bonds.

Baseball star Barry Bond’s perjury trial got underway Tuesday with his attorney insisting that Bonds didn’t know his trainer was giving him steroids.  Bonds claims he believed he was taking flax seed oil and arthritis cream.  

- Apparently Barry thought that injecting the arthritis cream would make it work faster than rubbing it on.  

- No wonder Preparation H has never worked for him! 

- Barry must have had some inside info that the judge in San Francisco was going to rule that it’s okay to lie in court!

Chris Brown Is All The Rage!

Hip-Hop singer Chris Brown wigged out after an appearance on “Good Morning America” yesterday.  He was there to promote his new album, but when host Robin Roberts tried to get him to comment on the time he punched his girlfriend Rihanna, he said, “past that in my life”.  After the interview he went backstage, flew into a rage, stripped off his shirt, smashed a window with a stool and stormed out without performing a second scheduled song.  But since there were no eye witnesses, it probably won’t count as a probation violation. 

- Hey… at least he didn’t punch the host!  

- Charlie Sheen immediately Twittered him and asked him to be the opening act for his show at the Fox! 

- On the plus side, viewers didn’t have to hear his second song.  

What the Beck?

Rumors are flying that Glenn Beck might leave Fox News when his contract runs out in December to launch his own cable channel, which if true would open up his old 5pm to 6pm slot.   

- When she heard the rumor, Nancy Pelosi immediately became a conservative and dyed her hair blond.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1806, having found the Pacific Coast, explorers Lewis and Clark began their journey back east.  

- A couple of hours later, they stopped at Ye Olde Cracker Barrell for a quick lunch.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Spring is Sprung, The Grass Is Riz... I Wonder Where Jimmy Hoffa Is?

I mention this because Martin Scorsese has signed on Robert De Niro, Al Pacino and Joe Pesci to star in a new film that allegedly uncovers who killed Hoffa.  The movie, “The Irishman” is based on a book about mobster Frank Sheeran - in which the deceased Sheeran allegedly admitted to the author that he was involved in Hoffa’s murder.   

OMG! DWTS IS BACK!

Last night was the 2-hour premiere of ABC’s Dancing With the Stars.  Among the celebs to hit the dance floor: Sugar Ray Leonard, “The Karate Kid” Ralph Machio, former Hugh Hefner Honny-Bunny Kendra Wilkenson and Kirstie Alley - who wowed the judges with her cha-cha. Bruno Tonioli raved “I feel like we’re just scratching the surface!”

- And that’s a lot of surface to scratch!

- Kirstie’s had a rough week.  People all over Japan blamed the earthquake on her rehearsal session for the Rhumba. 

- Kendra Wilkenson is used to dancing… but usually it involved a pole and ended up with her lying in a heart shaped bed next to an eighty-year old guy. 

Obama Getting "Bush"-Whacked?

Over the weekend, the U.N. coalition began enforcing the no-fly zone over Libya by bombing Moammar Quaddafi’s air force.  Quaddaffi responded by threatening a long war.  The move has the President in hot water. Democrats are furious that Obama has gotten us into a third Middle Eastern military action without asking Congress, and quoted his own words from 2007 that the President has no Constitutional power to unilaterally authorize an attack on a nation that’s not threatening America.  Longtime supporter Louis Farrakhan blasted the President and Michael Moore is demanding that he return his Nobel Peace Prize. Obama is currently on a trip to Chile.  

- Which will help prepare him for the “Chile” reception he’s gonna get when he gets back.    

- Opponents really got mad when they found out he’d ordered a “Mission Accomplished” banner from Kinkos.

- Micheal Moore was so outraged he lost his appetite for almost five minutes.

- President George W. Bush said, “Being the decider-er is hard work! It really is!”

Charlie's No Angel, But...

RadarOnline.com claims exclusively that CBS President Les Moonves has been talking to WB execs about trying to arrange a truce to call off the lawsuits and bring Charlie Sheen back to “Two And A Half Men”.  Despite Sheen’s history of drug and alcohol abuse, domestic violence, porn star sex, insane rants, and violent, anti-semitic outbursts against the shows creator Chuck Lorre, the show is a cash cow for CBS.  A source claims that Moonves wants him back and told Lorre, “let us handle Charlie”.  

- I think anyone who “handles” Charlie should get a prescription for Penicillin first.

- Charlie will only come back if they hire some of his girlfriends as actors and rename the show “Two And A Half Porn Stars”.

- They may have trouble getting advertisers to back the show… no wait!  Coke!  

We Hardly Knut Ya!

Knut, the polar bear who drew millions of visitors to the Berlin Zoo, died suddenly on Saturday of unknown causes.  He seemed healthy and will undergo an autopsy today.  The zoo says that hundreds of letters, flowers, candles and croissants - Knut’s favorite food - are arriving in a mass outpouring of grief like that following the deaths of mega-celebrities Princess Di and Michael Jackson. There are already calls for Knut to be stuffed and put on permanent display. 

- Are they sure he’s dead? Maybe his hybernation-cycle is just a little off.  

- Ironically, Knut used to eat fish and now he’s sleeping with them. 

- Knut was pronounced dead by a “Dr. Doolittle” who admitted he had been looking a little pale lately. 

- Several members of the zoo staff will serve as Polar-Bearers at the funeral.

- No word yet on where he will be Bear-ied. 

- Knut did have some psychological issues over the years… some even said he was bi-polar.  

A New Place For Porn Is Born!

Friday, ICANN, the international body governing thte Internet, voted to create a new domain name, “.xxx” for porn sites.  But the move is being criticized by two very different groups:  The religious community says that giving porn sites their own domain suffix will legitimize porn, but porn site owners are afraid they’ll have to move to .xxx domains, which they say will “ghettoize” their sites making them easier to block and “stifle their free speech”. 

- Free speech like in a porn script reading… “Hurry Mr. Repairman, my husband will be home any minute!”

- Now guys at the office can spend less time searching for porn sites and more time watching them! 

- I think instead of .xxx they should have gone with .charliesheen!

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1895, Auguste and Louis Lumiere showed a film of workers leaving their factory to an invited audience in Paris.  It’s believed to be the first public display of a movie projected on a screen.  

- It was so popular, they immediately made “Workers Leaving Their Factory: The Sequel”. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Houston, We Have a Problem...

Due to a technical malfunction with our server… only part of today’s post actually made it onto the website.  

We should be back at full power tomorrow! 

Thanks for your patience…

- Dick 

That Miss Lily Pad Sure Gets Around!

It’s said that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find Prince Charming, but it turns out most women go through much worse than that.  A poll of 2000 women by the dating website Meeteez.com found that the average woman kissed 22 men, had six one-night stands, went on six bad dates that never went anywhere, and had her heart broken five times before meeting Mr. Right.  The average woman has also been cheated on four times. 

- Six one night stands?  Women shouldn’t be taking this lying down!

- Hey, not every woman is lucky enough to meet a winner like Charlie Sheen right out of the box! 

- Liberal women in the survey had their hearts broken five times before they found Mr. Left.