On this day in 1961, the Beatles played their first gig at the Cavern Club in Liverpool.
- Sure everybody raves about the Beatles, but let’s face it… they haven’t had a hit since 1970!
Have a great Monday and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!
-Dick
Thursday was St. Patrick’s Day and I thought I would blog today about my mother’s side of the family which was pure Irish - or as pure as you can get, I guess.
My Mother, Margaret Elizabeth, was born on the first of November, the 5th child of James and Mary Laughnan. Those of you who are Catholic know that November 1st is All Saints Day - and trust me, my mother had to be a saint living with my Dad.
Her mother’s maiden name (my Grandmother) was Mary McPartland.
Mom never new her mother, because according to my crazy Aunt Helen when my mom was just three months old, her mom died of pneumonia.
Details are sketchy… but apparently my Grandfather James (who I never knew) kept his four oldest children, Florence, Jimmy, Tommy, and Louie - but didn’t feel he could raise an infant alone, so he gave my 3-month old Mother to his deceased wife’s sister, Kate, who raised her.
Still with me? Don’t feel bad if you’re confused - I am too.
Growing up, I remember my Mother looking at a small snapshot of a very pretty, dark haired woman that someone in the family had told her was her mother. There was no name or date on the photo so she could never be sure.
Though my mom didn’t grow up with her siblings (she lived in Buffalo and her brothers and sister lived in Batavia, about 40 miles away) they reconnected as adults.
I know this, because I remember my uncles coming to visit us at our house in Kenmore (a suburb of Buffalo where I grew up). Jimmy was the one I knew best. He was a bartender at “The East End Hotel” in Batavia, a tiny one-floor establishment owned by his brother, my uncle, Louie. Louie was the entrepeneur of the family - owning not only the hotel/bar but “Louie’s Meat Market” as well. Tommy was a pig farmer. (I guess that’s where Louie got some of his meat - at least the pork chops). I have a vague recollection of visiting Tommy at the farm one time and watching him put a ring in a pigs nose. I think the reason the memory is so vague is that I tried very hard to erase it! The only one I don’t remember meeting is Aunt Florence.
But back to Uncle Jimmy… During one of his visits to our house, he handed me a five dollar bill and said, “Here Dick… do what you want.” Five bucks! I immediately ran out of the house and headed to Sutherland’s Music Store where I purchased an album of classical music by Rachmananoff. When I got back, let’s just say Uncle Jimmy was pretty impressed with my purchase. I still have the album.
Jimmy also had season tickets to the Buffalo Bisons in the American Hockey League and he would occassionally give me tickets to the games. (That’s where I first saw Terry Sawchuk play. He, of course, went on to become one of the greatest Goalies of all time with the Red Wings.)
Years later, after I was married and had kids of my own, Gail and I happened to be driving through Batavia and stopped for lunch. I asked an old-timer at the restaurant if he remembered the East End Hotel or Louie’s Meat Market. “Oh, sure!” he said. “The meat market was right down the street from here”. When I asked if he’d known Louie (who was long gone) he said he had. Then I asked about Uncle Louie’s wife, Buelah, (what a name!) and whether she was still alive. “Oh yeah!” he said. “She’s 88 now. And as a matter of fact she just got arrested for drunk driving last week!”
I’m guessing maybe Buelah was at least a little bit Irish too.
I wish I knew more details, but my Mother died suddenly when she was just 60 - and unfortunately we’d never really talked about her childhood. And my dad (called either Paul or Joe depending on who you asked) who made it to the ripe old age of 96, wasn’t known for being entirely accurate when it came to family history… or anything else! (He once told me he’d been on a Delta airlines flight with so much turbulence that the plane actually flew upside down for half an hour!)
So there you have it. My Irish roots. I hope you have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here on Monday!
-Dick (O’Purtan)
It’s St. Patrick’s Day… And I can’t help but remember a call I used to get every year on this day from a man who called himself “Patio Furniture”…
He would call while I was on the air and ask, “Why are there only two hundred and thirty-nine beans in Irish Bean Soup?” The answer, of course… “Because one more would be two-farty!”
And here’s one I just heard…
A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in Davy Bynes’ Pub on Grafton Street in Dublin, when O’Leary - an irate Irishman - stands up shouting, “You’re 
making out were all dumb and stupid!” The ventriloquist says, “Well, I’m sorry sir I…” and O’Leary says, “Not you! I’m talkin’ to the little fella on your knee!”
Charlie Sheen’s live “My Violent Torpedo of Truth” tour has added more dates, including an April 5-12 stand at Radio City Music Hall in NYC. It’s still unclear what it will even be, except he promises, “This IS where you will hear the REAL story from the Warlock. Bring it. I dare you to keep up with me.” Tickets range from $47 to $109.50, and he’s promised to donate $1 per ticket to a Japanese relief fund.
- If you feel you really need to go Charlie’s show, why not donate $109.50 to the American Red Cross: Designate half for Japan relief and half for Charlie relief.
- This show is for people who think the disaster in Japan just isn’t big enough. They want to witness a bigger one.
- It’s your chance to experience a complete meltdown without the radiation fears.
FilmDrunk.com reports that the grade-z movie studio Troma has lucked into a potential goldmine. Someone remembered a bizarre 1989 movie locked in their vault called “A Tale of Two Sisters,” narrated and based on a poem by Charlie Sheen. The teaser clips show an obese woman kissing a bearderd man on a beach as Charlie reads lines including: “So what then was the ugly deed? A broken promise, petty greed? Did one depart with no remorse? Menstrual mood, unsigned divorce? Sister one and sister two, complaining now, can’t find a shoe”.
- Think of Charlie as Dr. Seuss on crack.
- How much you wanna bet “sister one and sister two’s” missing shoe was under Charlie’s bed?
Hugh Hefner explained his sex life to the New York Times. Turns out he’s just an old fashioned guy. Hef says he didn’t lose his virginity until he was 22. He claims his next two wives cheated on him; he felt older and “not well” when married to Kimberly Conrad, and that he was faithful, but she wasn’t. He says that’s why he overcompensated by dating twins and up to seven women at a time. But the 84-year-old Hefner says he’s now ready to settle down with 24-year-old Playmate fiance Crystal Harris and that, “I expect to spend the rest of my life with her.”
- At last we understand! Hugh was being used by all of these women and he was just “overcompensating”!
- He could date a 70-year-old and still feel “older”!
- Apparently Hef could have starred in a movie called, “SHE’S just not that Into You”.
- He picks the women he dates out of his own magazine… and yet he’s the one being used.
- What 20-something woman wouldn’t have the hots for a pipe-smoking octogenarian who walks around in a bathrobe all day?
- But it hasn’t been easy for Hef… think of all the hours he’s spent sitting on the couch with his seven girlfriends watching their favorite shows on Nickelodeon!
If you would like to help the victims in Japan, text either the word “quake” or the word “Japan” to 80888 to donate $10 to the Salvation Army; Call 1-800-SAL-ARMY, or visit www.salvationarmyusa.org.
Have a wonderful (and safe) St. Patrick’s Day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!
-Dick
The other night in New York, Detroit’s own Alice Cooper was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, along with Darlene Love, Neil Diamond, Dr. John, and Leon Russell. Alice shocked the audience by appearing on stage in a blood spattered shirt with a live boa constrictor around his neck…
- The shirt was from the “Moammar Gadhafi Collection”.
- After spending years working with Phil Spector, Darlene Love said she was just happy to be alive!
- Neil Diamond’s ego received a special “Lifetime Achievement Award”.
In a rather bizarre interview with “Human Events”, Donald Trump said he admired Saddam Hussein’s terrorism policy. He said, “Whether you like Saddam Hussein or not, and I don’t - he was a bad guy - but he used to shoot terrorists, he used to kill them. He didn’t give them a trial like in this country… he used to shoot terrrorists and kill them”.
- The Donald likes to fire people and Saddam liked to fire at them.
- Trump also admired Saddam because he had thicker hair.
- When asked by a reporter if he was going to run for President, Trump took a cue from Saddam and said, “I’ll leave you hangin’!”
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has an interesting defense against charges that he’s been holding orgies and had sex with more than thirty women - including at least one minor: He’s too old. The 74 year old Berlusconi told a leftist newspaper (that has called for his resignation) that “even though I am a little brat… 33 girls in two months seems like too much even for a 30 year old!”
- 33 women in two months? Maybe that’s why one of his “girls” refers to him as “The Leaning Tower of Pisa”.
- He’s been around a long time… this could finally explain that little smile on the “Mona Lisa”.
With tax time just around the corner, there are some examples of what will and won’t fly when it comes to deductions: A woman in Texas tried to claim a $1036 rebate as depreciation on her pet emu, a Pennsylvania furniture store owner tried to deduct an arsonist’s fee as a business service, and another guy tried to deduct $65,934 for prostitutes as a “medical expense”.
- The medical expenses usually come after you’ve been with a prostitute.
- So the furniture store owner pays a guy to torch his showroom and that’s NOT considered a business expense? He should at least get a credit for creating a job!
What kind of thing does the IRS allow? They agreed to let stripper “Chesty Love” deduct the cost of her 56EE breast implants. They said her “freakishly large breasts” were part of a costume that’s “useful only in her business”.
- They did agree, however, that she could no longer be considered a “small business owner”.
- She’s so huge, she’s got a 401-KK.
- Now every IRS agent in the country is trying to get their hands on her W-2’s.
- She later went on a reality show with Charlie Sheen called “America’s Biggest Boobs”… she came in second.
The hottest fashion item at this year’s Cheltenham Festival horse race in England is a pair of designer shoes that make a woman look as if she has horse’s hooves. Touted as the perfect shoes for a day at the races, the $2000 shoes come in knee-high or ankle-high styles with realistic-looking imitation hooves and up 5,000 horsehairs on the legs. One model said they’re really comfortable and make you feel like “galloping down the catwalk”.
- Of course if you fall and break your leg, they immediately take you out back and shoot you.
- The shoes were allegedly inspired by a photograph of Camilla Parker Bowles walking barefoot.
- The only problem is, you have to buy them in sets of four.
- At $2000 a pop, you’re gonna have to pony up a lot of cash!
- Finally ladies! The perfect shoe to match your saddlebags!
Today is a National Holiday in France…
It’s Jerry Lewis’s birthday! He’s 85.
Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow!
-Dick
If you would like to help the victims in Japan, text either the word “quake” or the word “Japan” to 80888 to donate $10 to the Salvation Army; Call 1-800-SAL-ARMY, or visit www.salvationarmyusa.org.
Aflac insurance has fired comedian Gilbert Gottfried, the longtime voice of the Aflac duck after he released a series of unbelievably tasteless Tweets following the tragedy in Japan. (It turns out Japan is Aflac’s biggest market) Just how tasteless were they? Read for yourself.
- I was talking to my Japanese real estate agent. I said “is there a school in this area.” She said “not now, but just wait.”
- Japan is really advanced. They don’t go to the beach. The beach comes to them.
- What do the japanese have in common with @howardstern? They’re both radio active.
- Japan had put out this urgent plea….” PLEASE SEND US A FEW BIlLION RUBBER DUCKIES!!!!!”
- Japan called me. They said “maybe those jokes are a hit in the US, but over here, they’re all sinking.”
- What does every Japanese person have in their apartment? Flood lights.
- My Japanese doctor advised me to stay healthy I need 50 million gallons of water a day.
- I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, “They’ll be another one floating by any minute now.”
NOTE: Sounds like he’s auditioning for a slot in Charlie Sheen’s upcoming show at the Fox!
One of the most popular books on Amazon.com right now is 200 pages long, and all of them are blank. It’s a gag gift book with the title, “What Every Man Thinks About, Apart From Sex.” “Author” Sheridan Simove said it took just nine days from idea to finished book and he’s proud to be a best selling author. His blank book sold out its first print run, passing “The DaVinci Code” and one of the “Harry Potter” books on the sales charts. He says he’s thinking of penning a follow-up called “Reasons to Trust Politicians”.
- Big Al is such an avid reader, he finished the sex book in less than a week!
- It’s a great bathroom book… in case you run out of toilet paper.
- I haven’t read it yet so please don’t tell me how it ends!
Health officials in both California and Colorado report that even though health problems that can be helped by marijuana strike men and women equally, over 70% of customers at prescription pot dispensaries are men. One dispensary owner said it might be that women feel scared or uncomfortable with the concept of buying pot.
- I would have expected the percentage to be “higher”.
- Maybe the women just put “Buy pot” on their Honey-Do lists.
- Men have no trouble buying pot, but ask them to pick up a box of “feminine hygiene products” and they sweat bullets.
In the latest furor over sexualizing young girls, a British clothing store chain is under fire for selling padded bras for girls as young as 8. The bras are described as “lightly padded for support,” but critics say they’re designed to make little girls look like they have a developed bosom.
- That way the 8 year old boys don’t have to just ogle their teacher anymore. (Like we all did!)
The store also offers white lace lingerie-style bra and panty sets and denim hot pants in the section for girls “3 to 13”.
- Coming soon: New Pamper’s Thongs!
- In the stores defense, at least the lacy bras are white. An eight year old in a black bra would be so tacky!
- The store has cancelled it’s line of “Dora The Explorer Spanx and Thigh-Highs”.
Today is the day the buzzards traditionally return to Hinkley, Ohio.
- This year their making a detour over Columbus to make a deposit on Jim Tressel’s head.
And finally, a special message. Click here: Beware!
Thanks Big Al! Yes, “The Ides of March”, The day that famous pizza maker Julius Caeser was stabbed by three members of the Roman senate when they declared their pizza “Wasn’t hot… and it wasn’t ready!” 
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here on Wednesday!
-Dick
This Japanese man was rescued 10 miles off the coast of Japan. He had been clinging to the roof of his house - which is all that was left - for two days following the earthquake and tsunami. His wife is presumed dead.
