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Crazy Like A Fox?

Friday, Charlie Sheen announced plans for a live variety show tour called “Violent Torpedo of Truth”.  And, lucky us, his first stop is right here at the Fox theater on April 2nd .  Tickets for that show, and a second one in Chicago sold out in a record 18 minutes, so now there’s talk of expanding the show to 30 stops in America, plus “performances” in Europe and Australia.

- And we all know Charlie likes to perform!

- One of his porn-star girlfriends said the show will last about “Two and A Half Minutes”. 

- Why would anyone pay good money to see Charlie on stage when you can see him on TV 24 hours a day for free? 

- They say a lot of performers die on stage… and it Charlie’s case it could happen.  Literally. 

- The “Spiderman” show on Broadway had to be cancelled because all of the actors kept getting stuck high in the air; in this production the only one “high” will be Charlie!

- Charlie will arrive on stage in a chariot pulled by six hookers.  

- It will be a lot like the old Ed Sullivan Show, except Topo Gigio will be replaced by Andrew Dice Clay.

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Charlie Gets Scalped!

Promoters of the show might be disappointed.  Within minutes of the sell-out in Chicago, 1500 of the 5000 tickets sold were being offered by scalpers on the ticket resale site, Stubhub.  Hours later, there were still 1,492 seats available.

- “Losing!”

- “Stubhub”… that sounds like a nickname for one of Charlie’s “Goddesses”. 

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Want To Live Long? Be Pessimistic!

Researchers from La Sierra University in Riverside, California have published a report on longevity that disproves many old beliefs about how to live longer. The 20 year study of over 1500 people found men in long term marriages outlived bachelors and divorced men, but marriage had no effect on the lifespan of women.

- If divorced men die younger… Larry King should have been dead 20 years ago.

- Marriage has no effect on the lifespan of women… unless, of course, you’re married to OJ Simpson.

 

The study also revealed that contrary to popular belief, happy, optimistic people die younger than pessimists.  Researchers believe it may be because optimists are more likely to take risks that put their lives in danger.   

- So I think it’s safe to say that both Charlie Sheen and Linsday Lohan are optimists!

- Remember… A smile is just a frown turned upside down! 

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And You Thought Reading Cosmo Was A Blast!

Al Quaeda has launched a new women’s magazine which mixes tips on skin care with articles on marrying suicide bombers.  The cover of “Al Shamikha” which means “The Majestic Woman” features the barrel of a sub-machine gun next to the image of a woman in a veil.  There are several interviews with women who praise their husbands’ decisions to die in suicide bombings.  The male editor says the magazine is designed to educate women and involve them in the war against the enemies of Islam. 

- Who needs skin care tips when your entire body is covered in a Burka?

- There’s a recipe for tuna noodle hummus casserole that’s to die for!  

- They should call it “Better Bombs and Gardens”.

- Of course after reading the magazine, the woman will immediately be killed for looking at something published by a man. 

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These Eggs Aren't Going To Go Over Easy...

Traditional chefs in China hope to share one of their ancient delicacies worldwide:  “Spring eggs boiled in boys’ urine”.  The chefs gather fresh urine every day from local schools where boys relieve themselves in buckets.  The eggs are then boiled in the urine for 24 hours before being served.  The chefs say they are both delicious and healthy, claiming they stop fevers and help you concentrate if you’re feeling sleepy.

- This sounds like more of a EuroPEEan dish to me.

- For the cholesterol-conscious, they also offer “Boiled in Boys Urine Egg-Beaters”.

 - This dish is for people who like their eggs “Son-ey side up”. 

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Today's Almanac

On this day in 1794, Eli Whitney received a patent for his cotton gin.

- Due to it’s overwhelming success, the next year he patented “cotton vodka”.   

 

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

-Dick

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Tressel Falls Off The Tracks!

Allegations became public this week that Ohio State Buckeye head football coach Jim Tressel failed to report that five of his players, including star Quarterback Terrelle Pryor, sold some of their official OSU team memorabilia including jerseys, awards and championship rings to a drug-dealing, tatoo parlor owner in Columbus. Players are forbidden to profit from the sale of these items while they’re in school. 

According to the NCAA rules, Tressel was obligated to report these events to the University President and the Athletic Director, the moment he became aware of them.  

Well, turns out, he became aware of the violations last April after receiving an e-mail from a former OSU player, now lawyer, and told the whistle-blower he would “get right on it”.  He didn’t until December, after the season was over, when the press broke the story. He has received a suspension for the first two games of the upcoming season. (Which will be against MAC teams Toledo and Akron - Big deal!).  He was also fined $250,000 by the University.

Tressel obviously buried the incriminating info about his players so that his team would have a better shot at a good 2010 season.  And it worked! They ended up 12-1. It’s obvious he wouldn’t have reported the violations, until he was forced to when the media brought them to light, to protect his 2011 season as well.  

So now he’s basically received a slap on the wrist from the NCAA - most likely because he cooperated with them by admitting that he had received the e-mails, albeit nine months after the fact.    

While the national press has come down hard on Tressel, the majority of the Ohio media - and the Buckeye fans - are basically giving him a pass. Why?  Because he wins football games.  He’s beaten Michigan 9 out of their last 10 match-ups. 

I understand the enormous pressure that these coaches are under to win football games expecially when you’ve got tens of thousands of fans sitting in the stadium, looking over your shoulder every other Saturday during the fall.  They say “it’s only a game” - but it’s not really “only a game” when your reputation and your livelihood depend on the results. Tressel tried by winning games at all costs to do both.  Although he most certainly is not losing his job, he did tarnish his reputation.   

But then again, this event reminds us what we’ve all learned from Charlie Sheen… the most important thing is “Winning!”.  

 

 

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Invest in Pepsi, Not Coke!

The PopEater.com blog quotes an unnamed insider who claims that the reason Charlie Sheen plans to sue CBS and Warner Brothers is because despite making nearly $2 million an episode for “Two And A Half Men”, he didn’t invest wisely and is “cash poor”. 

- He can always fall back on his 401 K-ilo of coke.

- Why doesn’t he just put his “previously enjoyed” collection of porn on E-Bay?  

- He put all his money up his nose, so now he’s gotta take it on the chin.    

But there is good news… The porn company Vivid Video has offered Charlie a job directing a sex tape starring three of his ex-girlfriends and so far over 74 thousand people have applied to be his intern. 

- That’s 73,999 more people than applied to be an intern for Kevin Federline.

- Bill Clinton has asked Charlie for copies of all the applicants resumes.   

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"I Did Her For My Country!"

Presumed GOP Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich has an interesting explanation for why he had an affair with his current wife - a former congressional aide - while he was still married to his second wife at the same time he was publicly attacking Bill Clinton for having an affair with Monica Lewinsky:  He’s just too patriotic.  The twice-divorced Newt told the Christian Broadcasting Network that back then, “partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate”. 

- I don’t think it was the country he was feeling so passionately about.  

- If Newt is that patriotic… John Edwards must be George Washington!

- He seems to cast a magical spell over these women… I guess he uses the “Eye of Newt”. 

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The Birth Of The Condom?

A group in Poland is trying to promote safe sex and tourism by touting the fact that it’s the birthplace of Julius Fromm, inventor of the latex condom. The city rebuffed their idea to celebrate the anniversary of his birth there in 1883, so they took action and placed a giant plastic bag that resembles a condom over a phallic-shaped fountain.  City officials denounced the stunt as offensive and embarrassing. 

- They unrolled it… um… unveiled it to a cheering crowd. 

- Ironically, Fromm never got over the fact that he was an only child.

- Personally, I’d rather have a statue covered in a condom than a statue of Robocop! 

- Instead of a fountain, they should have put it on a statue of a Trojan… horse. 

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Put Out An A-Pee-B On This Guy!

A swedish man was sentenced to 21 months in prison in Denmark for bank robbery.  He hid in a Copehagen bank and spent the weekend there, cleaning out 140 safe deposit boxes while three unknown accomplices radioed him the locations of guards.  While in the vault, nature called, and he relieved himself in a plastic bag. When he was spotted, he threw the bag of urine at the guard and fled.  The loot was never found, but his DNA from the bag convicted him. 

- The guards were just happy that was the only “deposit” he made while in the bank. 

- The arresting officer said, “Urine big trouble!”

- This is why I always go to the bathroom before I leave the house to rob a bank! 

- On the bright side, he got a job starring in a remake of the movie “Public Enemy #1”

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Chimp Change

Researchers at Stanford University compared the genetic code of humans to chimpanzees and ended up with some amazing results.  They found 510 gene segments in chimps that are missing in humans, nearly all of them switches that turn nearby genes on or off.  By looking at what the genes did, they were able to explain some key differences between chimps and humans including why humans have big brains and why the human penis is not covered with prickly spines. 

- ‘Cuz the spines would break the condom, duh!

 

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Today's Almanac

On this day in 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made the first phone call to his assistant in the next room.  He said, “Mr. Watson, come here. I want you.”

- To which Mr. Watson replied, “I’ll call you back… I’m on the other line.”

 

 

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow! 

-Dick

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"Lent Me Your Ears..."

With Fat Tuesday behind us (and our behinds looking like paczkis), Lent has officially begun, marking the 40 day countdown to Easter.  It is tradition for people to “give something up for Lent”, and I’ll admit I had a hard time deciding what I could go “without” this season.  It’s supposed to be something important to you, so my first thought was, of course…

Salmon.  But I realized that me giving up salmon for 40 days would be like Charlie Sheen giving up Hookers for four days.  Not gonna happen.  As of this writing… I’m still weighing my options.

Meanwhile a 14 year friend of our family came up with something pretty amazing. Haley and a bunch of her girlfriends decided to give up… get ready… FACEBOOK! 

Now how they are going to go 40 days without knowing what each other is eating/listening to/wearing/wanting/liking/disliking etc… is beyond me.  I’ll have to remember to Twitter them and see how it’s going. But I have to admit that Facebook has really arrived when it’s something that people give up for Lent!

Are you giving anything up for Lent?  And if so… What? 

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Going... Going... Gown!

Costco announced that it is temporarily offering discount wedding gowns by designer Kirstie Kelly. There are six styles ranging from $700 to $1400, which will be available for a limited time in the warehouse stores, then online.  One female shopper believes it will work saying, “Costco sells coffins, so why not wedding dresses?”

- 84-year-old Hugh Hefner’s 24-year-old-fiance looks at it as “one-stop-shopping”. 

- Why not buy your wedding gown online?  That’s where most people meet the person they’re gonna marry in the first place. 

- What says “romance” more than buying your wedding gown the same place you buy a pallet of toilet paper! 

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A Pee-Free Zone?

Rio De Janeiro officials are trying to show that the city will be cleaned up and ready for the 2016 Olympics by making the current Carnival “urine-free”. They’ve launched a “Zero Tolerance for Pissing” campaign and insured that there are portable toilets in all crowded areas.  But it’s not working.  Just in the first weekend of Carnival, 214 beer-swilling partiers were arrested for urinating on the street or in doorways.  Officials blamed long lines at the Port-a-Johns and promised to bring more in.  BTW… most of the offenders were men. 

- I hope so!

- When Charlie Sheen heard the story he said, “One word:  Whizzing!”  

- Officials say this is Rio’s #1 problem and believe me, you don’t want to know what their #2 problem is! 

- Why not just make beer-swilling followed by long distance-peeing a new Olympic event?  

- Men in Rio call peeing over a fence, “Pole Vaulting”

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Hitched, Glitched, & Itched!

Everyone’s heard of the “Seven Year Itch,” when couples develop a roving eye after being together for seven years.  But a poll of 2,000 Britons found that it has been replaced by the “Three Year Glitch”.

 Because of longer working hours and money worries, two-thirds of couples now say they are starting to get annoyed with each other after just 36 months.  Small irritations like weight gain, stinginess, and snoring start killing passion and cutting into sex after just three years.  That’s when most people now start suggesting weekends apart or separate vacations to try to recharge the relationship. 

- To be honest, they use those weekends apart to have sex with someone else.  

- So basically all brides-to-be in Britain should buy their wedding gowns at Costco! 

- “Glich and Hitch”… isn’t that a morning radio team in Ohio?  

NOTE: Speaking of Ohio…Jim Tressel, the head football coach at OSU has been suspended for two games for violating some NCAA regulations. 

- Can we pick which two games he’ll be suspended from???

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They're Gonna Shower Him With Affection In The Hooscow!

Police in Oregon got an unusual 911 call from a burglar begging them to come rescue him.  He had broken into a house and was taking a shower when the homeowner returned unexpectedly with his two German Shepherds.  He demanded to know what the intruder was doing there.  The naked burglar locked the bathroom door and called 911 because he was afraid the homeowner might have a gun. 

- He was so scared he did something he won’t do in prison… he dropped the soap!

- For once the cops different have to the suspect to “come clean”!

- The Police had a hard time getting a bunch of guys to strip down and lather up for the line up.

- The homeowner said, “The man’s a criminal… but Gee His Hair Smells Terrific!”

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Proof That Men Will Do Anything For Sex

Researchers at the Medical College of Georgia are studying the Brazilian wandering spider, whose venom they believe could provide a natural cure for Erectile Dysfunction.  The venom can allegedly give a man a four-hour erection.  But the side effects of the spider’s bite can include loss of muscle control, severe pain, difficulty breathing and even death.   

- So what’s a little discomfort?  

- The pain and death parts are considered “the down side”. 

- Miss Muffet will stay on her tuffet… since this Spider will not scare Little Miss Muffet away! 

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Today's Almanac

On this day in 1796, Napoleon Bonaparte married Josephine de Beauharnais.  They divorced in 1809. 

- This explains why he always had his hand inside his jacket… he was holding onto his wallet!  

 

 

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