Charlie Sheen Gets The Axe, Wields A Machete

Monday, Warner Brothers finally reached their limit and fired Charlie Sheen from “Two And A Half Men”.  They sent his lawyer an 11 page letter saying that his client is engaged in dangerously self-destructive conduct and appears to be very ill. Charlie “celebrated” the news by climbing on top of a building in Los Angeles with some friends, swinging a giant machete in the air, while drinking out of a bottle he claimed was “Tiger Blood”. 

- One word:  “Winning!”

- His lawyer claims he’ll take Warner Brothers to court and get Charlies job back “By hooker by crook!”

- One wrong swing of that machete and one of the guys on the roof could have been the new “one-half” in “Two And A Half Men”. 

Charlie has also launched his own Web show on Ustream that’s a take-off on a baseball post-game show.  It’s 50 minutes long and is called, “Sheen’s Korner”.

- If somebody doesn’t get him under control, it’s gonna be re-named “Sheen’s Coroner”. 

NOTE:  Here’s a joke making the rounds on the Internet…

How much cocaine does Charlie Sheen smoke?  Enough to kill “Two And A Half Men”.  

He's Into Poker...

Nevada GOP Senator John Ensign announced Monday that he will not run for reelection in 2010.  Ensign allegedly got his casino owner parents to pay $96,000 to a former staffer and set him up as a lobbyist after Ensign had an affair with the guy’s wife.  He’s facing huge legal bills and an investigation into whether he broke any ethics rules. 

- So first we all have to pretend that the government has ethics rules, then we can figure out if he broke any of them.   

- He grew up in a Casino… I think it was a safe bet he’d end up gambling with his future.  

- In his defense, he thought the woman he had the affair with was a “slut machine”.  

"When Are You Gonna Come See The Pills?"

Leann Corley of Georgia was attempting to reenter the U.S. from Canada across the Peace Bridge when security got suspicious.  She appeared heavily pregnant but couldn’t answer basic questions about her health, leading guards to search her.  Turns out her pregnant belly was actually a body suit that held 34,000 Ecstasy pills weighing in at 21 pounds. 

- The pills had her nose and her drug dealer’s eyes! 

- When asked how she felt about being arrested she said, “I’m Ecstatic!”

- At least she won’t be embarrassed by stretch marks when she showers in the women’s prison. 

Stop Scaring Young People!

As part of the new Blu-Ray re-release of Disney’s “Bambi,” the voice of Bambi, former child star Donnie Dunagan, recalls that to get him to sound genuinely frightened about Bambi’s mother’s death, a man on the set told him that his real mother was in danger. Dunagan said the man probably shouldn’t have done that, but it worked and “he hugged me later”. 

- He told him his mother had come to visit him on the movie set and she was accidentally shot by Elmer Fudd while he was chasing Bugs Bunny.  

Cereal Killers...

Researchers discovered that to kids, cereal really does taste better if there’s a cartoon character on the box. They gave taste tests of generic cereals to 80 children age 4 to 8.  The kids rated the cereals as tastier when they came out of a box with a character like Shrek, Dora the Explorer or the “Happy Feet” penguins.  But surprisingly, kids like the taste better if the box had a name implying it was healthy, like “Healthy Bits” rather than sweet, like “Sugar Bits”.  

- This must be why I prefer the brand of pork rinds that say they’re healthy and have a picture of Porky Pig on the box. 

- Unlike the kids, Mel Gibson prefers “Sugar Bits”. 

- Fortunately the Fiber One people had the good sense to remove the picture of Yosemite Sam holding a stick of dynamite off the side of the box.  

Musical Notes...

Mickey Dolenz is 66 today and will soon be reuniting with the Monkees.  

- A mouthwash company is considering using Dolenz as it’s spokesperson… It’s being called the “Scope’s Monkee Trial”.  

- He’s 66 today… that 462 bananas in Monkey years.  

NEWSFLASH:  Against All Odds… Phil Collins retires early from the music biz… Begs forgiveness for “Sussudio!”

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow! 

-Dick 

McScrewed At McDonalds...

Fun at McDonalds…Friday I stopped at the Mcdonalds restaurant on Woodward at 13 mile to grab a quick lunch. As you probably know you have to pick a lane for the carryout. I picked the inside lane. Normally the lanes alternate evenly but in this case my lane moved slower (probably because of longer food orders) and so the cars in the other lane were moving up two at a time instead of the usual rotation. So I sat there thinking that once again I had picked the wrong line to get into, when suddenly I found myself in front of the big menu board. A female voice came over the loud speaker and asked me if I would like some kind of special drink, to which I said “no” and then she asked what I would like to order.

I told her “I’d like two grilled chicken sandwiches with just mustard and a bottle of water.”  She replied, “What number sandwich do you want?”  I repeated, “I just want two grilled chicken sandwiches with mustard and a bottle of water.”  She said, “You’ve got to tell me what number sandwich you want.” Again, I said “I don’t care about a numbered sandwich, I just want two grilled chicken sandwiches with mustard and a bottle of water.”  “Okay,” she said, “You have to order sandwich #5, #6 or #7”.  So I looked at the board and didn’t see that numbers 5, 6 or 7 had anything to do with what I wanted, except for number 5 which offered me the choice of having it grilled or crispy. So I said, “I’ll have two #5’s - grilled - but I don’t want the bacon, lettuce, mayo or tomato.  I just want mustard. And a bottle of water.”  She said okay, gave me my total and told me to pull around to the first window to pay.  I did, then moved on to the second window to pick-up my order.  

I waited at the second window for over a minute and during that time, two things occurred to me:  One, this could be a good sign that they needed the extra time to make my special order.  Or, two, they were confused and messing things up.  

Being a glass is half full kind of guy, I decided to go with the former.  

Finally, a man who had the aura of “manager” about him handed me my bag and bottle of water, and off I drove. As I headed out of the parking lot I pulled one of the sandwiches out of the bag and started eating.  It was right on the money:  A grilled chicken sandwich with mustard!  

After consuming the sandwich I decided I was full and would save the second sandwich for later.  That night, we were having a late dinner and I found myself hungry for a snack.  Remembering my extra sandwich, I headed to the fridge and retrieved the McDonald’s bag.  I took out the sandwich, unwrapped it and saw lettuce peaking out of the side of the bun. Further investigation revealed not only lettuce but tomato, mayonnaise and bacon on top of the chicken as well.  Apparently I had been given the “Real #5”.  

Why is it so often when you get a carry out from a restaurant they get it wrong?  You are almost always short one item and of the ones you do get, the chances of at least one of them being different that what you ordered seem astronomical.  

The whole incident reminded me of a great bit done on MAD TV that was a huge hit on the internet. I present it now for your viewing pleasure.  Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow.  

-Dick

Bon Qui Qui At King Burger

Revolutionary Thinking...

What follows is an article by an Englishman who teaches at Harvard University by the name of Niall Ferguson that I really think is one of the best commentaries that I’ve read about the uprisings in the Middle East.  It was published in the current (March 7^th) issue of Newsweek magazine and I thought I would share it with you on the blog today in an abridged version.

#####

Americans love a revolution.  Their own great nation having been founded by a revolutionary declaration and forged by a revolutionary war, they instinctively side with revolutionaries in other lands, no matter how different their circumstances, no matter how disastrous the outcomes.  This chronic reluctance to learn from history could carry a very heavy price tag if the revolutionary wave currently sweeping across North Africa and the Middle East breaks with the same shattering impact as most revolutionary waves. 

Time and again, Americans have hailed revolutions, only to fall strangely silent as those same revolutions proceeded to devour not only their own children but many other people’s too.  In each case the body count was in the millions. 

So as you watch revolution sweeping through the Arab world (and potentially beyond) remember these three things about non-American revolutions:

- They take years to unfold. It may have seemed like glad confident morning in 1789, 1917, and 1949.  Four years later it was darkness at noon. 

- They begin by challenging an existing political order, but the more violence is needed to achieve that end, the more initiative passes to men of violence – Robespierre, Stalin, and the supremely callous Mao himself. 

- Because neighboring countries feel challenged by the revolution, internal violence is soon followed by external violence. 

The scale of violence in the American Revolution was, by the standards of the other revolutions of history, modest. 

The losers in the American Revolution were not guillotined, or purged, or starved to death.  Most of them simply left the 13 rebel colonies for more stable parts of the British Empire and got on with their lives. 

There were other important differences too.  The people who made the American Revolution were, by 18^thCentury standards, exceptionally well off and well educated.  People in Libya today are closer to sans-culottes of the Paris backstreets, the lumpin-proletariat of the Petrograd slums, or the illiterate peasants who flocked to Mao’s standard.  And that is why the likelihood of large-scale and protracted violence is so much greater in the Arab world today than it ever was in North America in the 1770s.  Poor, ill-educated young men.  Around 40 million of them!  (That leaves us with) absolutely no idea who is going to fill today’s vacuums of power. 

Only the hopelessly naïve imagine that 30-something Google executives will emerge as the leaders of the Arab world, aided by their social network of Facebook friends.  The far more likely outcome – as in past revolutions – is that power will pass to the best organized, most radical, and most ruthless elements of the revolution, which in this case means Islamists like the Muslim Brotherhood. 

The probability of a worst-case scenario creeps up every day – a scenario of the sort that ultimately arose in revolutionary France, Russia, and China.  First the revolutions of North Africa and the Middle East could turn much more violent, with the death toll running into tens or hundreds of thousands.  Then they could spark a full-blown war claiming millions of lives.  Worst of all, out of that war could emerge an enemy as formidable as Napoleon’s France, Stalin’s Soviet Union, or Mao’s China. 

Yes, Americans love revolutions. But they should stick to loving their own!  

"My Enemies Weep Into Their Diapers In My Rearview Mirror!" HUH?

Charlie Sheen’s busy week continues… Over a million people signed up for his Twitter feeds in one day, and he continued doing interviews, saying things like”my enemies weep into your diapers in my rearview mirror”. But his earlier claim that he’s a warlock has ticked off a trio of witches in Salem, Massachusetts. They plan to hold a “Sheen-orcism” and use high magic to try to clear away Charlie’s negative vibes - although one joked that she’d rather “sacricfice him”. 

- Charlie is kinda like Linda Blair without the pea soup.

- They tried to sacrifice a virgin by throwing her in a volcano, but since she was one of Charlie’s girlfriends, the volcano spit her back out. 

- One million Twitter followers in one day?  That makes Justin Bieber look like a piker. 

- Ironically, Charlie refers to all of his ex-wives as witches…um… I mean “bitches”. 

- “My enemies weep into your diapers in my review mirror”… may sound strange but Charlie’s actually got a lot in common with diapers:  They’re both loaded. 

Naked Therapy? Where Do I Sign Up?

New York model and psychology buff Sarah White has developed a new school of analysis:  “Naked therapy.” She says it’s hard for men to talk about their problems, so she makes therapy more exciting by removing all her clothes over the course of each hour-long session.  Sessions start via webcam for $150 a pop, but once she gets to know the client, they can move to in-person sessions. One male psychologist said “White isn’t licensed and this isn’t therapy.”  

- Well that’s his opinion!

- White says if a client is shy, she won’t get completely naked but will wear a Freudian slip. 

- NEWSFLASH:  Charlie Sheen has just Twittered that he realizes he desperately needs therapy… but only from this woman.

He Must Be Exhausted By Now!

Tuesday, former pharmacist Howard C. Cook Jr. of Pennsylvania was charged with stealing erectile dysfunction drugs from a Walgreen’s where he used to work.  He reportedly admitted to stealing nearly $4000 worth of Viagra, Cialis and Levitra just since December.  

- Prosecutors are confident his confession will stand up in court.

- Police became suspicious when they noticed he and his wife sitting in matching bathtubs in their front yard in the middle of January.

- If the judge sentences him to more than four hours, he’ll have to go directly to the prison infirmary.

- I can just see the judge now… “I said raise your HAND and repeat after me!”

NOTE: Whatever happened to Levitra?  I never see the name or any commercials for it anymore.  Maybe this pharmacist stole it all!

Personally, I Think They're Full Of It!

Psychologists at a University in the Netherlands discovered that people make wiser decisions when their bladders are full.  Apparently bladder control is linked to the same part of the brain that activates feelings of desire and reward, so when people try to control their bladders, they also put pressure on the brain to control impulses for short term pleasure.  So if you need to make a wise decision that’s best for the long term, drinking water and holding it may help you hold off on making expensive purchases.  In fact, just thinking about words related to urination helped people make wiser financial decisions. 

- Are those “wiser” decisions or “whizzer” decisions? 

- One researcher said he knew what the results would be even before the study.  I guess he has ESPee! 

- So if you can convince your wife to “hold it” when she goes perfume shopping, she’s less likely to drop big bucks on eau de toilette!  

- Bottom line:  If you want to be smart, hold off on making your “Bladder Gladder”!

Just When I Don't Need 8" X 10" Glossies Anymore!

Panasonic has just introduced a new digital camera that automatically beautifies the photo subject.  The LUMIX FX77 has a “beauty retouch” button that can whiten your teeth, improve the look of your skin, remove dark circles under your eyes, make your face look smaller, magnify the size of your eyes and even apply blush, lipstick and eye shadow.  The camera is targeted at people who want to look really good in all their blog and Facebook photos. 

- So now that guy or girl you meet on-line will be even more disappointed when they meet you in person! 

- Angelina Jolie has had one of these cameras for years.  She actually looks like Helen Thomas. 

- Nick Nolte and Glen Campbell are just sorry they didn’t have this technology when they took their last mugshots. 

Attention Christina Aguilera!

On this day in 1931, “The Star-Spangled Banner” became the U.S. national anthem.  The range-heavy tune was originally a drinking song, and some critics complained that most people would have to be drunk just to try and sing it.  

- The words “the rockets red glare” originally referred to the lights on the cop car that pulled you over for swerving.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick

The Sheen Is Wearing Off...

It appears that Charlie Sheen has not only lost his mind… he’s lost custody of his two youngest children.  His twin two-year olds Bob and Max by ex-wife Brooke Mueller were allegedly removed from his home last night by police after Mueller filed for a restraining order against Sheen.  Meantime, Charlie is claiming that Mueller is “an unfit mother”, accusing her of excessive drinking. But Charlie’s not lonely… he’s currently living with two “goddesses” in the home he’s dubbed, “Sober Valley Lodge”. 

- He says he misses the boys and tears up everytime he turns on “Spongebob Not-So-Sober-Pants”. 

Today's "Booger Blog"

Charlie’s media blitz continued Tuesday night with a special edition of ABC’s “20/20”.  During the interview, Charlie said he had “tiger blood” and “Adonis DNA”, that he’s “a Vatican assassin warlock,” that “can’t is the cancer of happen”, that “my passion is not from this terrestrial realm,” and that “I have a 10,000 year old brain and the boogers of a 7-year-old.”  

- Charlie’s put so much Coke up his nose I’m amazed he has room for any “boogers”. 

- The “tiger blood” he was referring to was actually “Tiger Woods”… they do love their hookers!

- This is good news!  If CBS doesn’t give him his show back he can always get work as a “Vatican assassin warlock”!

- The Pope said, “If Charlie Sheen has anything to do with the Vatican, I’ll eat my hat!”

- Of all the things he said, the only one I believe is that he “has the boogers of a 7-year-old”.  

Good News! Charlie's Twittering! That Outta Be A Tweet!

Charlie also claims he cured his drug addiction by just closing his eyes and making it so with the power of his mind, and that if normal people borrowed his brain for five seconds, “your face would melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body”.  He also announced that he’s opened a Twitter account so he can share his thoughts with fans as fast as they occur to him. 

- He actually closed his eyes, clicked his heels together three times and said, “There’s no place like my porn family home!  There’s no place like my porn family home!” 

- Let’s be honest… Charlie’s been “Twittering” for a very long time! 

"I'll Have A Slice Of Mice"

Police in Pennsylvania accused pizzeria owner Nikolas Galiatsatos of animal cruelty and other charges for allegedly releasing mice in rival restaurants. Police say he had a mouse infestation, so he tried to spread it to his competitors.  One rival found a bag hidden in his bathroom ceiling after Galiatsatos used the restroom. Thinking it was drugs, he handed it over to the cops.  The bag actually contained live mice, so cops followed Nikolas and caught him releasing mice into another Pizzeria’s garbage.  They call it “food terrorism by mice”. 

- This gives a whole new meaning to “slipping someone a Mickey”. 

- When police took his mugshot they said, “Say Cheese!” 

- Why is eveybody so upset?  Chuck E. Cheese IS a mouse!

Tall-Tales From The Tabloids?

Katie Holmes is suing the Star Tabloid for $50 million for putting an unflattering picture of her on the cover last month with the large headlines reading “Katie DRUG SHOCKER!” and “Addiction Nightmare.”  The story inside didn’t even claim she was taking drugs, but suggested that since marrying Tom Cruise, she is using the Scientologist “e-meter” to audit her moods so often that it’s like she’s addicted to it.  

- Katie only looks drugged because she’s so much taller than Tom that the air she breaths is thinner and makes her lightheaded! 

Joan Collins "Tight" At The Oscars?

77-year-old Joan Collins is fine after she reportedly felt faint and was rushed to the hospital during an Oscars after-party.  She says that doctors discovered that her gown was just so tight, it had constricted her breathing. 

- Joan said she hadn’t felt that out of breath since she and Linda Evans ended up in the pool after that cat fight on “Dynasty”!

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

-Dick