Pot, Meet Kettle!

Charlie Sheen’s call-ins to Dan Patrick’s radio show on ESPN continue. So far this week he’s announced that he’s cured, that doing crack socially is fine (if you can handle it), and that he finds sobriety boring.  And now… (drumroll please) he’s announced that he would like to be a counselor for… 

Lindsay Lohan because he “knows what she’s going through”.  He said he’d tell her, “Work on your impulse control, just try to think things through a little bit before you do it.”

- For instance, Charlie always counts to ten before asking for a porn star to bring him a briefcase full of cocaine. 

- Is it just me or would Charlie Sheen counseling Lindsay Lohan be about as successful as hiring a blind guy to be an Air Traffic Controller?

- Lindsay was so excited about the idea she went out and stole some jewelry to celebrate!

A Troubled Tiger

Tiger’s first baseman Miguel Cabrera is in trouble again.  He was arrested Wednesday night on charges of drunk driving and two counts of resisting an officer in St. Lucie County, Florida.  The arresting officer said Cabrera grabbed a bottle of scotch and began drinking after he was pulled over.  Cabrera reportedly used expletives and asked the officer, “Do you know who I am?” before being forced into the police car. He was released on $1300 bail.  

- Apparently Miguel thought he was in Florida for “Spring Break” not “Spring Training”. 

- The official sports term for this is, “The First Baseman is Loaded”. 

OMG IBM!

Wednesday night was the final round in the “Jeopardy!” Man v. Machine tournament. The winner:  Watson, the supercomputer created by IBM.  Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter came in second and third, taking home $300,000 and $200,000 respectively. Watson ended up with a cool million which IBM says it will donate entirely to charity. 

- While Jennings and Rutter celebrated with their families, Watson spent five hours on the phone with a guy in India.   

- I’m sure Watson will be doing the talk show circuit… Maybe he’ll be able to figure out what the girls on “The View” talking over each other, are actually talking about! 

- Next Up:  “Dancing With The Supercomputer”

Try The Pastry "Puffs"!

In an interview with CNN’s Piers Morgan, Janet Jackson claimed that some female celebrities are so paranoid about their weight, they eat Kleenex tissue to stop their hunger pangs.  She said the pressure on today’s female stars to be thin is “crazy”, but added that she doesn’t eat Kleenex. 

- She eats toilet paper sandwiches instead.  On a roll. 

- When you think about it, eating toilet paper kind of kills two birds with one stone. 

- Janet’s brother Micheal didn’t eat Kleenex, he just used it to blow his nose… right across the room.  

This Just-in...

Rolling Stone is sparking controversy with an interview with 16-year-old ‘tween idol Justin Bieber in which they pressed him to give his opinions on pre-marital sex and the Canadian vs.  U.S. health care systems.  For the record, he believes in love before sex and joked that America is “evil” for making people go broke paying medical expenses.

- And a lot of parents think he’s evil for making them go broke buying their little girls tickets to his concerts and “I Love The Bieb!” t-shirts.  

- If you think he’s upset about health insurance now, wait ten years til he’s off his parents policy! 

- If he engages in pre-marital sex, he may end up with a “Baby!” (For the fellow un-hip, Jackie told me that that’s the name of one of his most popular songs!)

A Book(Store) With An Unhappy Ending?

In the biggest bakruptcy in the history of the book business, the Borders Book Store chain - which started in Ann Arbor - has filed for Chapter 11 protection to help restructure over $1 Billion in debt.  They’ll also close up to 30% of their stores. Some customers expressed shock saying Borders is usually loaded with shoppers. 

- So Chapter 11 gets protection… what about all the other Chapters in their books?  

- The problem is, readers have “re-kindled” their love of books… electronically. 

- A medical clinic will allegedly move into the old store in Ann Arbor… calling their practice, “Doctors Without Borders”. 

Goodbye to Hello...

RIP actor Len Lesser, best known for his role as Jerry’s shoplifting Uncle Leo on “Seinfeld”.  He was 88.  I thought it appropriate to say “Goodbye” by showing a clip featuring his signature “Hello!”

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow.  And remember… the 24th Annual Salvation Army Radiothon is a week from this Friday, February 25th from 6am to 10pm!  Hear it live on WJR-AM 760 - and you can even donate now by calling 248-528-0760 or going to www.wjr.com.

- Dick

Not So Elementary My Dear Watson!

IBM’s supercomputer Watson trounced the two human champions in Game One of their “Jeopardy!” tournament, finishing with more than 35 thousand dollars.  The two human contestants Brad Rutter and Ken Jennings ending up with $10,800 & $4800 respectively.  The computer was able to figure out puns and oblique clues but wasn’t perfect.  On the Final Jeopardy question, Watson’s answer was “What is Toronto?”.  The category was…

“U.S. Cities”. 

- I guess the computer just froze under pressure.

- It’s so unfair!  The computer can just use itself to Google all the answers!

- Jeff Foxworthy has already signed-on as host of the new show, “Are You Smarter Than A Laptop”?

"Crap! Did I Just Say That?"

President Obama was giving a speech about his controversial new budget Tuesday when he experienced a “mouth malfunction”.  He accidentally replaced the word “share” with “sh—”.  He quickly corrected himself and moved on. 

- He’s just thankful he wasn’t trying to say the word “buck”. 

President Obama’s Tongue Twister

Justin Peeper?

And speaking of malfunctions… Justin Bieber wowed gaggles of girls worldwide when he walked the red carpet in an all-white tux at Sunday night’s Grammy Awards.  The only problem?  The sixteen year old’s fly was unzipped and captured by a Grammy photographer.  

- It wouldn’t have been so bad if he hadn’t been wearing his “Spongebob” underpants. 

- That’s supposed to happen when you’re 60 not 16!

Jose... He's What's For Dinner!

The Chilean Miners have shared their experiences trapped underground in a new book.  Advance excerpts in the London Sunday Times contain some shocking details previously unreported. For instance, as food dwindled, they considered cannibalism.  One miner even said his friends told him they had a pot and saw ready, and he would be “breakfast, lunch and dinner.”

- Now that’s what I call a “Chile Cook-Off”!

Rescuers also smuggled drugs and porn down to the miners to help them pass the time.  But their request for inflatable sex dolls was rejected because there were 33 miners and only 10 dolls could be found.  

- So when it came to sex, the miners got the shaft. 

- The drugs and porn were donated by that great American humanitarian Charlie Sheen! 

- Couldn’t they just have shared the dolls?  I mean, what guy hasn’t wanted to hit on his buddy’s girlfriend?

"If You Can Make It There..."

Health officials in New York have released a new mobile phone application to help New Yorkers find free condoms. The app is designed to locate the five nearest venues that distribute official NYC Condoms in jazzy wrappers printed with colorful subway maps or other city themes.  It provides directions by foot, car or public transportation and also offers tips on condom usage.

- What better place to hand out free condoms than the “City That Never Sleeps”!

- In NYC, you need full latex body suits just to safely ride the subway.  

- This gives a whole new meaning to “It’s UP to you… New York, New York!”

Mao Too Young?

China is again under suspicion of faking the ages of it’s athletes.  In the 2008 Olympics, many found it hard to believe that their female gymnasts were old enough to compete, but China produced passports allegedly proving it.  Now, the AP has noticed that the birth dates of 9 Chinese figure skaters on the official Chinese Skating website don’t match the dates on their International Skating Union bios.  Bottom line:  some Chinese skaters might have been too old when they won junior competitions, while others might have been younger than the minimum age of 15 when they competed in the Olympics. 

- Of course with Chinese Passports you look at them once, and you want to look at them again an hour later.  

- The Chinese Cable News Network MS-MSG reports the charges are ridiculous. 

- We should have realized they were too young when they all skated to Justin Bieber songs.

Don't Forget To Remember!

The 24th Annual Salvation Army Radiothon is coming up a week from Friday, February 25th from 6am to 10pm live from the Oakland Mall!  This year the Radiothon is switching radio stations and will be heard on 760 AM, WJR, and will be hosted by the WJR personalities.  I won’t be on the air, but will be working behind the scenes as a member of the Salvation Army Advisory Board.  This Radiothon is the fundraiser to provide food and shelter to over 5000 men, women and children in Metro-Detroit, 365 days a year - no matter what the weather.  I hope you’ll support it again this year, and you can do so even now by calling 248-528-0760 or going to www.wjr.com! 

Thanks… Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick

The Dog Days of Winter

If you were one of the unlucky ones who didn’t have a Valentine to spend last night with… there was a great alternative!  The first of two nights of the 135th Annual Westminster Dog Show aired on the USA Network and CNBC live from Madison Square Garden.  Nearly 2600 dogs are competing this year including 179 different breeds and varieties. But the breeds don’t include the “designer” dogs like Puggles and Labradoodles. 

- No designer dogs?  What a bunch of Shitzu!

The Westminster Dog Show always reminds me of one my favorite comedies… “Best In Show”. Here’s a clip of the great Fred Willard as he commentates from the sidelines of the movies fake dog show.  

She Wore An Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie...

Last night was also a big night for men… as the cover model for the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition was revealed on the the Late Show with David Letterman.  This years coveted cover went to 25-year-old Russian-born model, Irina Shayk in a tiny pink-and-yellow halter bikini.  Irina said she believes being “happy and healthy on the inside shows on the outside”… 

- If that’s true, she must be the happiest person on the planet!

- David Letterman immediately pronounced her “Best In Show” and offered her an internship. 

"Two And A Half Amens!"

After just two weeks of at-home rehab, Charlie Sheen is cured!  He called the Dan Patrick radio show Monday to say that “it’s like I heal really quickly. But I unravel pretty quickly.  So get me right now, guys.  Bring it!”.  He even showed up on the set of his show “Two and A Half Men” to start filming, but nobody was there - since execs shut down production until the end of the month.  Sheen added that he finds sobriety “boring” and recently told a group of UCLA basketball players, “Don’t do crack.  Drink chocolate milk”.

- Usually when Charlie say’s “Bring it” he’s referring to a briefcase full of cocaine!

- The Pope has declared Charlie’s recovery a miracle and Charlie has now taken the first step to sainthood. 

 - Doesn’t he know Chocolate milk can be bad for you?  Too much sugar!

- Sounds like Charlie is finally ready to settle down… and start a traditional American Porn Family!

A Fond Farewell...

RIP jazz pianist George Shearing at 91 and one of the great comedic actors, Kenneth Mars, who died of pancreatic cancer at the age of 75.  He played the wooden-armed policemen in “Young Frankenstein”. Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow.  In the meantime, enjoy a clip of Mars’ brilliant work! Plus some other scenes from “Young Frankenstein” which in my opinion is one of, if not the funniest movie of all time!- Dick  

Inspector Kemp Pays a Visit
Young Frankenstein at MOVIECLIPS.com 

A Special Message From Big Al...

Dear Loyal Purtan’s People fans, I can’t thank you enough for the thousands of birthday wishes that I received last Friday.  I can’t thank you enough because I didn’t get  thousands, but the 8 or 10 messages I did get were really great.  And I owe it all to my best friend in the whole wide world - Dick Purtan, who…

graciously wished me a happy birthday right here on his website.  I just hope none of you sent me gifts to the radio station, because they probably wouldn’t forward them to me; they’d probably give the gifts to the promotions department to use as on-air giveaways.  But, it’s the thought that counts. 

Anyway, as I always said on the air, it’s not about me.  Speaking of me, if you’re wondering what I’m up to these days…Well, I’m busy building up my new career which includes speaking engagements, voice overs, emceeing and freelance writing.  Need me?  Please drop me a note on my “Official Big Al Muskavito Facebook Fan Page”, which as of this writing only trails Dick’s Facebook page by some 4,600 fans… which is just fine because as you know I always tried to keep a humble and low profile when I was on the air.

  

In conclusion, it’s hard to believe that another year of my life has aimlessly drifted by.  Even harder to believe is the fact that we’ve almost been off the air for a year!  And speaking of important dates in history, the Salvation Army Radiothon is fast approaching - Friday, February 25th.  Let’s keep the momentum going!  You can donate right now by clicking on the links here on Dick’s web page or his Facebook page.  Be well everybody… and thank you again for remembering my birthday.  (February 11th, for those of you who would like to mark it down for next year)  All the best!  Fondly…Big Al

 

It's Valen-Time!

It’s Valentine’s Day… And while some consider it a “Hallmark Holiday”, a lot of people take it seriously.  By the end of today, it’s estimated that Americans will have spent over $300 million on cards, sent 110 million roses, and bought 36 million heart shaped-boxes of candy.  

- And Brett Favre will have sent hundreds of naked pictures of himself to women’s cell phones around the world.  

- Charlie Sheen doesn’t believe in sending cards… he just drops his porn-star girlfriends a note with “a few lines”.  

- In keeping with tradition, Larry King’s wife will get him a box of chocolates in the shape of a heart by-pass.