A Special Message From Big Al...

Dear Loyal Purtan’s People fans, I can’t thank you enough for the thousands of birthday wishes that I received last Friday.  I can’t thank you enough because I didn’t get  thousands, but the 8 or 10 messages I did get were really great.  And I owe it all to my best friend in the whole wide world - Dick Purtan, who…

graciously wished me a happy birthday right here on his website.  I just hope none of you sent me gifts to the radio station, because they probably wouldn’t forward them to me; they’d probably give the gifts to the promotions department to use as on-air giveaways.  But, it’s the thought that counts. 

Anyway, as I always said on the air, it’s not about me.  Speaking of me, if you’re wondering what I’m up to these days…Well, I’m busy building up my new career which includes speaking engagements, voice overs, emceeing and freelance writing.  Need me?  Please drop me a note on my “Official Big Al Muskavito Facebook Fan Page”, which as of this writing only trails Dick’s Facebook page by some 4,600 fans… which is just fine because as you know I always tried to keep a humble and low profile when I was on the air.

  

In conclusion, it’s hard to believe that another year of my life has aimlessly drifted by.  Even harder to believe is the fact that we’ve almost been off the air for a year!  And speaking of important dates in history, the Salvation Army Radiothon is fast approaching - Friday, February 25th.  Let’s keep the momentum going!  You can donate right now by clicking on the links here on Dick’s web page or his Facebook page.  Be well everybody… and thank you again for remembering my birthday.  (February 11th, for those of you who would like to mark it down for next year)  All the best!  Fondly…Big Al

 

It's Valen-Time!

It’s Valentine’s Day… And while some consider it a “Hallmark Holiday”, a lot of people take it seriously.  By the end of today, it’s estimated that Americans will have spent over $300 million on cards, sent 110 million roses, and bought 36 million heart shaped-boxes of candy.  

- And Brett Favre will have sent hundreds of naked pictures of himself to women’s cell phones around the world.  

- Charlie Sheen doesn’t believe in sending cards… he just drops his porn-star girlfriends a note with “a few lines”.  

- In keeping with tradition, Larry King’s wife will get him a box of chocolates in the shape of a heart by-pass.

Lady Gaga Comes Out Of Her Shell... Literally!

At last night’s Grammy Awards, Lady Gaga arrived in a giant egg, carried by musclemen wearing only gold loincloths.  She “hatched out” of it and did an over-the-top version of her new single, “Born This Way”, which has been both hyped as an “anthem for a lost generation” and criticized as a blatant rip-off of Madonna’s ‘80’s hit, “Express Yourself”. 

- Of course we know now that those who “expressed themselves” with Madonna all ended up on penicillin. 

- When I first saw Lady Gaga in the egg… I thought, this has got to be a yolk! (Pardon me!)

Boyle Gets Lanced!

In what had to be one of the most bizarre moments in Grammy history, Susan Boyle of “Britain’s Got Talent” fame was up against Justin Beiber, Lady Gaga, John Mayer, and Katy Perry for Best Pop Vocal Album. She didn’t win. 

- But she looked great when she arrived in a polyester housedress carried by assisted-living home attendants.

- Justin Beiber didn’t win either but he looked great when he arrived on his Big Wheel being pushed-in by his mom and dad.  

- When he lost, he threw such a tantrum his mom put him in a time-out.  

- Lady Gaga accepted the award for best album wearing a black moulded rubber teddy with a giant rubber butt… from the “Kim Kardashian Collection”.  

Will The Bachelor Party Be In A Bunker?

Buckingham Palace has announced that Prince Harry will serve as Best Man when his older brother Prince William marries his fiance Kate Middleton on April 29th.  

- Now comes the hard part:  Finding a cumberbund that looks good with a Nazi uniform. 

- In an unusual move, Camilla, Prince William’s step-mother has been chosen as one of Groomsmen.  

"I've Got A Fog In My Throat..."

The LA. Health Department is investigating the Playboy Mansion after about 100 people who attended a party there came down with a disease similar to a lighter version of Legionnaire’s Disease.  They believe it may have come from bacteria in the “fog machine”. 

- Hugh Hefner uses the fog machine to keep his new 24 year old fiance from seeing what he really looks like.  

- Hef also has a special fog horny, uh, horn… so the girls can find him when he gets lost in the mansion.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1929, seven mobsters were gunned down in a Chicago garage, possibly by Al Capone’s gang or other rivals, in what became known as “The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre”.  

- They were going to do it sooner, but “The Groundhog’s Day Massacre” didn’t sound as good.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick

The Salvation Army Radiothon: Same Time, Different Station!

It’s February and for years that has meant two incredibly important events: The Salvation Army Radiothon and Big Al’s Birthday.  (Okay, so one is just a tad more important than the other).

I’ve received a lot of e-mails asking me that if my retirement last March signaled the end of our 16-Hour Radiothon benefiting the Army’s Bed and Bed Program.  And the answer is - absolutely not!  This program is far too important.  It hasn’t gone away, it’s just switched stations.  

This year, this crucial fundraiser will be broadcast on WJR 760-AM and will be hosted by WJR’s line-up of personalities. But a lot of things remain the same:  The Radiothon will take place, as always, at the Oakland Mall in Troy on the last Friday in February.  That’s just two weeks from today - Friday, February 25th. You can listen live (and hopefully donate!) from 6am to 10pm.  

Remember, the Salvation Army feeds on average 5000 people a day and shelters 570 people a night.  The Bed and Bread Trucks head out fully stocked about noon every day, 365 days a year, and return at night, only after everyone in line has gotten a good, warm meal - for many the only one they’ll get that day.  

I don’t need to remind you that, unfortunately, Detroit is the poorest of the major cities in this country - and the need for this feeding program has never been greater.

Although I won’t be hosting the Radiothon on the air, I have been, and will continue to, work behind the scenes to help insure that the transition from my old station to WJR is smooth and successful.  Thousands of lives depend on it.  As always I encourage you to donate $120 which feeds one person for one full year, or, if you can afford it, $240 which feeds two people in our community for an entire year.  But anything you can afford is, of course, welcome! You can even donate right now by calling 248-528-0760 or online at www.wjr.com. 

I’ll be posting reminders and more info on the this website and my Facebook page each day leading up to the event.  

And then there’s Big Al’s Birthday.  Today.  February 11th.  A day I can never forget (largely because Big Al mentions it everytime I talk to him, which is almost everyday!)  I remember the fun we used to have celebrating on the air and the fun we had picking out the perfect gifts for him.  One of the best (and most useful) was the electric nose and ear hair clipper that Rebekah got him a few years back.  It was a sort of “Personal Weed Whacker” and the only ones more excited about it than Al, were those of us who worked with him in the studio everyday.  

I haven’t decided what to get him this year… I was thinking of a membership to the “Saturated Fat of the Month Club”, but I figured he probably already has that.  If you have any ideas… let me know! 

So Happy Birthday Big Guy and to every one else, have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here on Monday!

-Dick 

Black Pumps And A "Cocaine White" Dress...

Lindsay Lohan showed up in an LA courtroom yesterday to plead “Not Guilty” to charges she stole a $2500 necklace from a Jewelry store.  But what really “stole” the show was her outfit…  

Lindsay showed up wearing a skin tight white lycra mini-dress.  She faces up to 3 and 1/2 years in the slammer if convicted and asked to take a lie-detector test to prove her innocence.   But Prosecutors said “no”, deeming the test unreliable.  

- I don’t know why they objected to the lie-dector… it was the same one they used on O.J. 

- I wish her lawyer good luck with that “If the necklace don’t fit, you must acquit” strategy.  

- Nothing say’s “I’m just a simple, honest girl-next-door” than showing up in front of a judge wearing something from the “Charlie Sheen Porn Family Collection”. 

- As she walked out of court she was overheard whispering to her lawyer, “A little song, a little dance… a little jewelry down my pants!”

- She wanted to steal the judges gavel… but there was no place to hide it!

It's A Pay-As-You-Glow Plan...

On a related note…

Linsday is being sued by a Tanning Salon… which claims she owes them $40,000 in back tanning-bed charges. 

- Maybe Lindsay’s just going for that “orange” look so her skin will match her prison jumpsuit. 

- Well there is a chronic shortage of sunshine in Southern California!

- She has to look good for all her court appearances!  

It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time...

Yesterday, NY Republican Rep. Chris Lee, who was just reelected in November, abruptly resigned effective immediately.  The move came after the gossip website Gawker.com posted a shirtless photo of Lee that he allegedly sent to a woman he was flirting with on Craig’s List.  He told the woman he was a divorced Lobbyist but used his real name. Lee apologized to his family and supporters and said he had to “work this out with my wife”. 

- It’s convenient that he was shirtless in the photo… so now his wife won’t have to rip it off him when she takes him to the cleaners. 

- Barney Frank had the picture blown up to poster size and has it hanging in his office.  

- This is why I only send shirtless photos of myself to people I know! 

- In his defense, it has been an unusually warm winter!

I Owe Everything to My Hooters!

Newly-elected Tennessee Republican state Rep. Julia Hurley has written an article for the Hooters’ company magazine, saying that her opponents tried and failed to use her time working as a a hooters waitress against her. She says that without Hooters, she “would not be as strong-willed and eager to become successful”.  

- In truth, without Hooters she’d be a guy.  

- Of all the women in the House and Senate I would have put my money on Nancy Pelosi as having been a Hooters girl. 

- This explains all the drooling from Democrats when she “reaches across the aisle”. 

If Only They Just Patted Each Other On The Butts...

Apparently, Super Bowl viewers weren’t that impressed by the Black Eyed Peas halftime show.  Animal Planet reports that a record 9.2 million viewers tuned into their alternate programming, “Puppy Bowl VII” which featuring nothing but cute puppies romping around a miniature football field and fighting over a chew toy.

- The best part was when a puppy named “Black Eye” peed in the red zone.  

- Maybe the Super Bowl would have been better off hiring Snoop Dogg. 

- They had a Labrador sing the National Anthem… unlike Christina Aguilera, at least it was able to “retrieve” all the words from it’s memory.

Office Space: The Final Frontier

The International Facility Management Association reports that if you think your office cubicle is closing in on you, you’re right. In 1994, the average cubicle contained 115 square feet of space.  By 2010, it was down to just 96 square feet.  

- If they get much smaller, you’re going to actually have to put your laptop on your lap. 

- And instead of a special parking spot, the “Employee of the Month” now gets a free bag of Cheetos out of the vending machine! 

- This gives people a lot less room to hide the office supplies their going to steal!

Grow, George, Grow!

George Stephanopolous turns 50 today. 

Which means he should finally be hitting his growth spurt! 

 

 Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick

No-go Robo?

A single Tweet to Mayor Bing suggesting that a statue of “Robocop” - the hero of the 1987 film based in a futuristic crime-ridden Detroit has turned into a movement. When the mayor thanked the person for his suggestion but said “there are no plans for a “Robocop” statue”, fans of the movie came out of the woodwork. They’ve started a petition to get the statue erected and one woman said, “Do you know how freaking awesome it would be for my 7-year-old to look up at a 10-foot statue of RoboCop?” 

- It sounds like this woman has been hit in the head by another statue in Detroit:  The Joe Louis Fist!

- If they want to put up a statue of someone people associate with a crime-ridden Detroit, I vote for Monica Conyers!

But Will The Handcuffs Match The Necklace?

Tuesday, LA porsecutors announced that they will charge Lindsay Lohan with one count of felony grand theft for allegedly stealing a $2500 necklace from a jewelry store.  It could get her up to three years in state prison - NOT the revolving door L.A. jail for celebrities.  Lindsay reportedly is saying privately, “I’m pleading ‘not guilty’ because I’M NOT!”

- She also insists she was NOT drunk or high at the time she was NOT stealing the necklace. 

- If she wanted a particular piece of jewelry, she should have done what prior actresses in Hollywood did and just borrowed it from Liberace!  

The Way To A Woman's Heart Is Through Non-Committal...

Science has proven what many long suspected:  women are attracted to guys who won’t commit.  47 University of Virginia undergrads were shown random photos of men and told that those men had seen the girl’s facebook pages and rated how much they liked them. Women were least attracted to men they thought had rated them as only average.  They were more attracted to men who they thought had rated them as very attractive.  But most attractive of all to the women were the third group of men:  Those whose feelings about them were not revealed so the women didn’t know whether the men liked them or not.  It supports the notion that if you want to attract a woman, play hard to get and don’t let her know how you feel about her. 

- So guys the best way to keep a woman interested in you, is to “forget” Valentine’s Day.  She’ll be so interested in you that you’ll never hear the end of it!

- And don’t try to get her to “Tweet” you on the first date! 

- To be honest, none of the girls used their real pictures on Facebook so the guys opinions were pretty much moot.  

OMG! I'm Like Such A Sinner!

The Catholic Church has given its blessing to a new iPhone app that guides worshippers through confession. The “Confession App” leads users through an “Examination of Conscience” to help them figure out what their sins are, and suggests possible sins based on the user’s age, sex and marital status.  But the Church stresses that this just helps iPhone users prepare for confession, it doesn’t replace it.  You still have to see a priest in person.   

- Just make sure your mother doesn’t know your password!

- When I was a kid I didn’t need an iPhone to tell me what my sins were.  It seems like everytime I stepped in that booth, the Priest knew more about me than I did.  

- Coming next:  The iPray!

- Who needs this app? I prefer the old fashioned way of faxing my sins in. 

- I can see it now… “Feeling guilty about cheating on your wife?  There’s an App for that!”

- THIS JUST IN:  If you see white smoke coming out of the chimney at the Vatican… it means the Pope got a new iPad!

Would Somebody Please Kill The Spider...Man!

The most expensive (and dangerous) muiscal in Broadway history, the $65 million “Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark” was supposed to open officially over the weekend.  But actors were still dangling helplessly from wires, so the producers decided to keep it in previews for another 5 weeks while charging up to 300 bucks a ticket. Critics have blasted the show, which features music from U2 frontman Bono, as “erratic”, “incoherent” and “a shrill insipid mess”.  

- How can this thing miss?  Who wouldn’t want to see a guy in red and blue tights dance to Bono Songs?

- Bono himself admits the show needs tweaking saying, “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”. 

- How about cancelling the Bono songs and make Spiderman dance to music by the Black Eyed Peas and Christina Aquilera?  How could that go wrong?

It seems to me if they would have used some Lawrence Welk tunes and called it “Spiderman: Turn Off The Bubble Machine” it would have worked out better.