Don't Point That Thing At Me!

Police in Calgary, Canada, are searching for two men who robbed a drugstore at gunpoint Tuesday morning. They demanded the painkilling drug Oxycontin, but the pharmacist told them he didn have any.  So instead, they made off with the store’s entire supply of the ED drugs Viagra and Cialis.  Police said they were wearing masks, so they might be hard to identify. 

- On the contrary!

- Why didn’t the police just wait four hours and then search all the local hospitals?   

- Cialis is going to change their slogan to: “When the moment to be arrested is right, will you be ready?”

- To find the thieves, Police have all officers on-the-lookout for two men sitting in bathtubs.  

Question:  Whatever happened to Levitra!

Curious George Goes On Tour!

Boy George has announced that in 2012, his group “Culture Club” will reunite for a 30th anniversary tour.

- When he sings to the crowd, “Do You Really Wanna Hurt Me?”, they’re gonna yell back, “Absolutely!”

Today's Almanac

On this date 1n 1959 Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and The Big Bopper were killed in a plane crash.  It’s referred to as, “The Day the Music Died”. 

- And I thought the day the music died was the day the song “Do Wah Diddy Diddy” was realeased!

PERSONAL NOTE:  I played that song on the radio what seems like a million times and it drove me crazy! The only time I liked it was when they featured it in the movie “Stripes”.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

Talk About A Snow Job...

Looks like we dodged a bullet weather wise.  Most reports indicate it’s not nearly as bad as forecasters had predicted.  There’s plenty of fluffy white stuff, but it’s not exactly the storm of the century that has hit places like Chicago.  Speaking of that, a lot of interesting words that have popped up to describe the Blizzard like “Snowmageddon”.  Here are some other ones that might describe a monster storm:  

- “Blizzapalooza”  

- “A Vast White Thing Conspiracy”

- “Frosty’s Revenge”

- “The Three Weathermen of the Apocalypse”

- “Domestic Storm-orism”

- “The Snow-icide Bomber”

Have any ideas of your own?  Post ‘em on our facebook page!  

Only The Shadow Knows...

Speaking of weather… today is Ground Hogs Day and to the relief of the winter-weary, the world’s most famous groundhog predicted an early spring this morning. Punxsutawney Phil emerged just after dawn to make his 125th annual weather forecast in front of a smaller-than-usual crowd who braved muddy, icy conditions to hear his handlers reveal that he had not seen his shadow, signaling an early spring as opposed to six more weeks of winter.  That’s only happened 16 times since they began keeping records in 1887. 

- He also predicted that the Lions will be in next year’s Super Bowl and that Charlie Sheen is on the road to monogamy, so take it for what it’s worth. 

- Our family has our own Groundhog’s Day tradition.  Jackie and her son Charlie let their dog Joey outside and if he “relieves himself”  we have six more weeks of winter.  If he doesn’t, we have six more weeks of winter. 

"Walk (Away) Like An Egyptian..."

As 250,000 protestors took to the streets of Egypt, President Hosni Mubarak refused to resign, but after 30 years in power, he declared that he will not run for election next September.

- Instead he’ll just declare himself the “King and Dear Leader”… like Kim Jong Ill who’s still got a job! 

- If Cleopatra was around to see all this violence, she’d hop the next barge out of town! 

- President Obama urged Mubarak to begin a “meaningful transisiton of power” to which Mubarak said, “Et tu Barack?”  

Do the Gemini Twins Drive Separate Cars?

Allstate Insurance has apologized for releasing a study ranking road safety by Zodiac signs, saying it as for entertainment purposes only.  A spokesman for the company insists they don’t use it to, say, charge Virgos more, just because they were involved in the most accidents in 2010. 

- They don’t use Zodiac signs to set rates… they use Tarot cards!

- They did admit to giving a small discount to people who drive a Dodge Aries or Ford Taurus.

 - Allstate’s new slogan is “Are You In Good Hands?  You will be, especially around the 5th, 17th and 23rd of this month when the moon is in the 7th house house and Jupiter aligns with Mars!”    

A Good Work-In Can Make You Buff!

Tuesday was “Working Naked Day.” when at-home workers are encourage to have fun, release their inhibitions and celebrate not be stuck with co-workers in an office by doing their jobs in the buff.  It was founded by a Dallas woman who has worked at home for 20 years and says there is often a stigma attached to those who don’t head off to an office everyday.  “Working Naked Day” encourages at-home workers to stand up and say, “It’s okay.  I’m not embarassed, and I bet a lot of people in corporate jobs wish they could work at home too.”

- It all went horribly wrong when an overweight male nurse thought “Work Naked Day at Home” was for people who worked in Nursing Homes.  (Stop scaring old people!)

- Big Al spent the day looking in the blinds of a woman who runs a pole dancing class out of her house.

They've Never Flown... And It Shows!

Flying is so common now, you’d think everyone would be an expert, but a poll of 3,000 Virgin Airlines flight attendants found that they still get plenty of stupid questions from newbies.  Questions included, “where is the planes playroom?”, “Where are the showers?” and “Is there a McDonalds on board.  They’ve also been asked to turn down the planes engines because they’re too loud and to ask the pilots to stop the turbulence.  The most common question of all?  “Please, can you open the window?”

- The only way to stop the turbulence is to get the parents of the kid sitting behind you to get him to stop kicking your seat!

- These people are referred to as “Non-Frequent Flyers”. 

- I think the most ridiculous question is, “Are we there yet?”

- One man asked if he could go to the cockpit and meet the Auto-Pilot. 

Screw Chocolate!

ATTENTION MEN … A Valentine’s Day survey of 1,000 American women found that by a margin of 73 to 27 percent, the ladies would rather have great sex every week for five years than free chocolate every week for five years.

- This is gonna make it a lot harder on guys.  Instead of just running in the drugstore for a box of candy, their going to have to find someone capable of having great sex with their wives.  

- Women who are “adventurous” in the bedroom refer to it as “The Whitman Sampler”.

- I know a man who gives his wife a Twizzler every Valentine’s Day!

Have a great day, practice “safe-shoveling” and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

Catch My Drift?

Looks like we’re about to get hit with a blizzard (and I’m not talking the kind at Dairy Queen).  Forecasters say we’ll get up to 10 to 15 inches of snow overnight, with an additonal 4 to 6 inches tomorrow - which already has kids everywhere chanting those two magical words:  “Snow Day!  Snow Day!”  

- This kind of storm makes me wonder what Jerry Hodak’s  doing with his Doppler now that he’s retired.    

- When Charlie Sheen heard we were expecting a foot or more of the “white stuff”, he grabbed his coke pipe and boarded a plane to Detroit. 

- I’m beginning to start believing there’s really something to this “Global Warming” thing.

The storm is expected to hit a huge part of the country from St. Louis, Chicago and Detroit to the Northeastern States.  

- Too bad it’s not gonna hit Washington, D.C. Politicians in the capital are used to shoveling… it’s just not usually snow. 

- When I was growing up in Buffalo, we called this kind of storm, “a light dusting”. 

NObama Care?

In what could be a fatal blow to Obamacare, a Federal Judge agreed Monday with 26 states that the mandate forcing all Americans to buy insurance is unconstitutional.  He did decline to order a halt to all of the programs provisions, since the Supreme court will ultimately rule on it.  But ironically, the most devastating quote he cited in his decision came from Barack Obama himself.  While running for President, Obama strongly opposed mandated health insurance and said that, “if that worked, then why not cure homelesness by mandating that everyone buy a house?”

- Or better yet… have Oprah give everyone one!

- Wasn’t it the government who let millions of Americans buy houses they couldn’t afford, that are now in foreclosure? 

- Maybe we should be forced to buy healthcare since the government allows Walmart to sell booze, guns and ammo all in one location! 

- Obama blamed the quote on a teleprompter malfunction. 

"Nurse...I Need Another Sponge Bath!"

Charlie Sheen may be stuck in rehab for up to 3 months… costing CBS $250 million by putting Charlie’s show, “Two and a Half Men” on hiatus until his return.  But it won’t be too bad for Charlie.  Sheen has reportedly decided to do his rehab stint at home due to “privacy reasons”.  He’s reportedly put together a team of professionals that he trusts to come in every day and help him. 

- And nobody is better at finding “professionals” than Charlie!

(Fortunately we were able to obtain a picture of one of the professional caretakers, posted just above).   

- Lindsay Lohan, who actually had to stay at a rehab facility, is like so mad she’s like, totally gonna blow a gasket!  

- In his defense, Doctors do say that patients tend to recover quicker when surrounded by friends and their porn-family.

A Myocardial Infraction?

Researchers at USC have discovered that sports can be deadly for super fans.  They found that in the period after the L.A. Rams lost to the Steelers in the 1980 Super Bowl, cardiac death rates among men rocketed up 15%.  Surprisingly, they also jumped a whopping 27% among women.  They don’t believe the women were that emotionally invested in the game, but that the women’s heart attacks were sparked by being upset about how angry their husbands were about the Super Bowl loss. 

- The heart attack rate in Detroit usually spikes about two games into the regular season.

- If the heart attack rate among women rises again this year, after the Packers-Steelers game, it will be because they found out their husbands spent 4 grand to buy  a hundred-inch plasma TV to watch the game. 

- I understand this kind of passion… I had some chest pains during last night’s finale of “The Real Housewives of Atlanta”!!

"If You Love Something Set It Free... If It Doesn't Come Back, YIPEE!"

A British immigration official was fired after his bosses discovered that while his wife was visiting Pakistan, he put her name on the terrorist no-fly list and left her stuck there for three years.  He told his wife he was trying to fix the problem, but was actually…“having the time of his life.” An immigration source said, “A lot of people dislike their other halves, but to do this takes it to the next level”.  

- In this case he took the level from yellow to orange.

- She may not have been a terrorist when she left, but she’s gonna be one when she gets home!

- When she gets back, he’s planning to send her on a make-up getaway vacation to Egypt.

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1840, the first American dental college, the Baltimore College of Dental Surgery, was incorporated. 

- It would have opened sooner, but getting the paperwork through was like pulling teeth!

- People were drooling to get into the college and had to apply through the Dean of Admissions, a “Mr. I. M. Thirsty”.  

Bundle up, have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow.  I’m off to salt and pepper my driveway! 

- Dick 

"I Want My Mummy!"

During the on-going riots in Egypt, some looters got into the Egyptian Museum and ripped the heads off two mummies before soldiers stopped them and secured the building. 

- You know things are bad when even the mummies are unraveling. 

- Government officials want cooler heads to prevail… and you’re not going to get a much cooler head than one that’s been dead for a thousand years.

- Wait till you hear about the rioters plans for a pyramid scheme!

Something To Keep Your Scepter Safe!

Prince William and Kate Middleton’s royal wedding will be a much less posh affair than the Charles and Diana extravaganza back in 1981.  With Britain’s economic woes, William and Kate will reportedly take a modest honeymoon and will ask friends to donate to charity instead of giving lavish gifts.  Even the souveniers for the public are cheaper:  One company, “Crown Jewels Condoms of Distinction”, is selling a royal wedding commemorative three-pack that urges users to “lie back and think of England”!  

- So now, patriotic British men can give their all for England without even getting out of bed.    

- If Willaim and his bride-to-be use the condoms, don’t be looking for a show called “William & Kate Plus Eight” anytime soon.

- Despite the couples wishes for no gifts, Camilla says she’s going to, “Pony up for something really special”. 

- By “modest honeymoon”, the couple means they’ll fly around the world; they just won’t make any stops.  

- The wedding will also differ from Charles and Diana’s, because the groom’s mistress won’t be sitting in one of the front pews. 

Charlie's Brown Eyes Are Blue

Charlie Sheen is back in rehab after 36 hours of partying with porn stars, including heavy drinking and the alleged briefcase of cocaine delivered to his house during the festivities.  While doctors believe the drugs aggravated a hernia he has in his stomach, Charlie has a much simpler explanation for it… 

He claims the hernia acted up after he laughed too hard while watching a TV show.  But CBS execs aren’t buying it and forced him to seek treatment at an undisclosed rehab center.  A clearly annoyed Sheen tweeted, “I’m fine. People don’t seem to get it.  Guy (sic) can’t have a great time and do his job also?  Bunch of turds.” Even Lindsay Lohan tweeted that she’s “thrilled” he’s getting treatment because he shows, “obvious sign of addiction”. 

- OMG! Lindsay is so smart! I’m sure it didn’t occur to any of us that he had a problem until she pointed it out!

- Doctors became skeptical when Charlie told him that the show he was laughing so hard at was “Spongebob No-pants”

- C’mon.  Let’s give ‘em a break.  It’s not like he called-in sick to work and went golfing.  

- Charlie isn’t getting any special treatment… he’s sharing his room with “Two and Half Addicts”. 

God Only Knows What His Floss Is Made Of...

One of Charlie’s girls, porn star Kacy Jordan, told the media that Sheen has done so many drugs, he’s lost his teeth and had them replaced with gold teeth covered with veneers.  

- Apparently Charlie has seen a lot of those “Invest in Gold” commercials and decided to put his money where his mouth is!

She also claims he gave her a check for 30 grand and asked her to be one of the girls in the “porn family” he hopes to create.  

- If only Norman Rockwell was alive and could paint “Charlie Sheen’s Porn-Family Thanksgiving”!