"I Don't Like Kids, By George!"

The National Enquirer is reporting that George Clooney has banned Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s kids from his home after they trashed the place.  

Apparently George is a bit of a neat freak, and wasn’t too thrilled when he found Brangelina’s brood had re-arranged his furniture and messed with his clothes during a recent visit to his lavish Italian home.  Pitt and Jolie are reportedly so upset, they’ve stopped speaking to Clooney! 

- There goes the Octomom’s  hopes of marrying George!

- Angelina said, “I’m hoping George will adopt a new attitude”. 

- I thought people liked it when their friends were willing to help move their couch! 

"Holy Mork, Batman!"

Rumor on the Hollywood street is that  Robin Williams is about to sign-on to play a villain in the next installment of the Batman movies.  “The Dark Knight Rises”, which is set to hit theaters in July of 2012, will allegedly feature Williams as bad guy “Dr. Strange”.

- So basically Robin will just be playing himself in tights and a cape.  

- They had planned to cast Charlie Sheen as “Dr. Porn” but they were afraid he wouldn’t show up on time. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1928, the 3M company introduced Scotch Tape.   

- So it’s been more than 80 years, and men still can’t figure out how to wrap a gift.

It’s also Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day…  

- So pop ‘em if you got ‘em!

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick

Has Charlie Finally Lost His Sheen?

In case you missed the latest in Charlie Sheen’s ongoing saga of debauchery… here a brief overview: 

Charlie was rushed to the hospital Thursday morning with severe abdominal pain after partying for 36 hours straight with a bunch of porn-stars.  After much speculation, it turns out, he’s got a hernia in his stomach.  

But a whole lot happened before he went to Ceder-Sinai Hospital.  After inviting over a gaggle of his favorite porn stars for dinner and drinks at a friends house (Vanna White’s ex-husband), attendees say he announced that he wanted to build a “porn-family” - a group of his favorite girls who would all live together in a rented house down the street from his palatial home.  Think of it as the Playboy Mansion with more girls and less clothing.  

After dinner, they all headed back to Charlie’s pad to keep partying. At one point during the festivities, a designer briefcase was reportedly delivered to Charlie containing “several bricks” of Cocaine.  After smoking coke for a while, (I prefer the diet, caffeine-free kind that comes in a can) Charlie apparently got bored (who wouldn’t?) and took one of the adult-film stars down to his “theater room” where they sat and watched porn for three hours.  But Charlie didn’t just watch… according to his companion, (I couldn’t find her name but it was probably Tiffany-Amber-Britney something) Charlie gave a running critique of the films, commenting on positions, camera angles etc… The girl said she was “surprised” by the depth of his knowledge!! 

Well who wouldn’t be?  Then again, everybody’s needs a hobby!   

Not feeling so hot (just hot and bothered) Charlie began complaining of agonizing pain in his stomach.  So one of the girls did what anyone would do in that situation.  She called… no, not 911, but “Andrienne”, one of the stars of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”! Andrienne then called 911.  (She was probably on some cable show like “The Real Registered Nurses of Redondo Beach).  That’s the way it works out in California… Reality Show stars are considered “First Responders”.  

So Charlie ended up in the hospital (with his father Martin Sheen, his mother and his ex-wife Denise Richards at his bedside) and the girls went home… til the next party.  And I’m pretty sure there’s gonna be one.  Let’s take a quick trip down memory lane…

-1990: Sheen accidentally shoots then-fiancée Kelly Preston in the arm. The engagement is called off shortly thereafter.

-1995: Charlie admits to being a client of the Hollywood Madam, Heidi Fleiss, copping to having spent $50,000 for the, um… “services”… of her call girls.

-1995: Two months after marrying model Donna Peele, Sheen was sued by a UCLA student who claimed he struck her in the head back in 1994 after she refused him sex. 

-1997: Sheen pleads no contest to battery charges brought by former girlfriend, model-actress Brittany Ashland, who claims Sheen threw her onto his kitchen floor and split her lip. He earned a year’s suspended sentence, two years’ probation and a $2,800 fine.

-1998: Enters lockdown rehab after being hospitalized for a drug overdose. 

-2005: Denise Richards files for divorce, while pregnant, accusing Sheen of “inappropriate behavior,” including dalliances with prostitutes, gambling problems and drug and alcohol problems, that could negatively impact his daughters’ upbringing. Sheen denies everything, calling the claims “laughable and inane”.

-2009: Sheen is arrested on felony menacing charges and spends Christmas in a Colorado jail after wife Brooke Mueller tells cops the actor threatened her with a knife.

-2010: Hooker hides in bathroom while a naked Charlie trashes his hotel room in New York.  (His wife and two kids were in a room across the hall at the time.  He’s actually got 5 kids by three different women)

-2011:  SEE ABOVE

Now the question might be logically asked, how does Charlie Sheen keep his “Two and a Half Men” TV show - which allegedly pays him up to $8 Million an episode while exhibiting this public behavior? 

Ratings!  It’s the top rated entertainment show on CBS.  

So how long will Charlie be able to keep this up?  Who knows? Maybe one day, he’ll clean up his lifestyle and finally admit that the real reason he ended up in the hospital was that his Viagra lasted more than 4 hours!  

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday!

- Dick
 

"You Heard It First On My Show Last March!

Bob Seger made it official today.  He confirmed that he is going on tour for the first time in 4 years… something he mentioned exclusively when he called into my final broadcast last March 26th!  No word yet on when or where he’ll be appearing locally… We’ll keep you posted!  

BTW…I live within a stone’s throw of Bob, so when he throws the stone with the list of concert dates over to my house, we’ll have it here, first for you, right here on this website! 

A Wedding To Die For!

USA today reports that funeral homes are desparate for business, so they are now aggressively marketing their facilities as event centers for weddings, anniversaries, birthdays, holiday parties and proms.  And it seems to be working…

One funeral home in Indianapolis has booked 99 weddings for 2011. Some people who’ve held events at funeral homes say they were creeped out at first, but they’re such beautiful facilites that one person said, “if you can get past the lobby and forget all the funerals and dead people in the room next door, it’s a great place for a wedding.”

- And just think of money you’ll save on flowers! 

- The funeral home says the pall-bearers make great groomsmen!

- Some people were a little freaked out when the bride and groom drove away in a hearse with streamers and tin cans tied to the back!

- They should start selling engagement rings at the funeral home… I can just hear it now:  “He went to Desmond & Sons!”

- Some people years later go back to the locations where they were married for sentimental reasons.  Now this gives them a more practical reason.  

"Two's Company... Three's a Divorce"

A 36 year old woman from Rome has filed for divorce just a month after her wedding, and for good reason… Her new husband brought his mother along on the their honeymoon.  She says she was shocked to show up at the airport for a flight to France to find her new mother-in-law packed and ready to go with them.  Her husband said he couldn’t leave his mother home alone “for health reasons”, but the bride wants out. 

- Especially considering that she was the one who got stuck with the rollaway bed.  

- This is a case of “I see London, I see France, but I don’t want my mother-in-law seeing me in my underpants”. 

- But the groom needed his mom!  Who else was going to check under the heart shaped bed for monsters on the wedding night?

- She did come in handy at one point.  When the newlyweds got hungry during the middle of the night, they sent her out for cheeseburgers.  

Let Me Get This Straight... His WIFE Wants Too Much Sex?

A Turkish man living in Germany has asked for police protection from his wife… because of her insatiable sex drive.  They’ve been married for 18 years and have two kids, but he wants a divorce so he can finally get some sleep.  He says he was so tired at work, he started sleeping on the couch four years ago but she kept coming into the living room, waking him up, and demanding that he do his husbandly duties. 

- I thought “husbandly duties” were mowing the lawn and taking out the garbage. 

- Wait til Charlie Sheen hears this story.  He’ll be on this woman like a hobo on a ham sandwich!   

- The first thing the cops told him was to call the cable company and cancel Cinemax.  

Not Only That... She's Two-Faced!

Miley Cyrus has been announced the worst celebrity influence of 2010, for the second time in a row. 

The 18-year-old took in a whopping 58 percent of the 99,000 votes in the poll for AOL”s JSYK.com (Just So You Know) website, which has a target audience of 9-15 year olds. Last year she beat Kanye West and Britney Spears. In 2010 she was caught on video smoking drugs from a bong and then photographed lifting her shirt almost to her chest in a series of scandalous photos taken at a gay club. 

- She claims it wasn’t her!  It was Hanna Montana!

- Lindsay Lohan would have won, but the nine year old voters just think of her as “that messed up old lady”. 

- This is just gonna break her dad Billy Cyrus’ heart!  His achy breaky heart!

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick

Today's Almanac

On this date in 2006, Western Union discontinued it’s telegram service.

-The last telegram, of course, was “YOUR SISTER ROSE IS DEAD”.  

 

"We Don't Have To Look Any Further Than Our Own Backyard!"

There’s talk that a $105 million movie production will be filmed at a huge new studio in Pontiac.  The unnamed movie is rumored to be “Oz: The Great and Powerful”, a Disney prequel to the classic “Wizard of Oz”.  Michigan native Sam Raimi would direct and Johnny Depp is negotiating for the lead role.  The movie will explain how the Wizard wound up in the Land of Oz before Dorothy and her three friends sought him out.  

- To give the movie some local flavor, they’re renaming one of the songs, “Follow the Yellow Brick Pothole”. 

- The part of the Cowardly Lion will be played by Matt Millen.

"Stand Up, Sit Down... Fight! Fight! Fight!"

Last night’s State of the Union address lasted just over an hour and was a little bit different than in years past. Instead of the Reds and the Blues sitting on opposite sides of the chamber, they scattered and sat amongst each other.  It was a supposed to be a show of “civility”, but some say it weakened the look of response to the speech. Instead of seeing a huge block give a standing ovation every other sentence, it looked like just a smattering of people getting to their feet.  

- It reminded me of when I was a kid going to mass at St. Paul’s Catholic Church.  Up, down… Up, down… And I’d want to just sit in the pew most of the time, but my mother would always make me kneel.  And the kneeling seemed to last forever!   

- It wasn’t nearly as much fun watching John Boehner’s expressionless face as it was watching Nancy Pelosi’s deer-in-the-headlights eyes and perma-grin! 

- They called it “prom seating” and it was a lot like prom.  At the end of the night they elected a king and queen… Joe Biden and Barney Frank.  

"And The Oscar May Go To..."

The Oscar nominations were announced Tuesday, with “True Grit” receiving 10 nods and “The King’s Speech” receiving a whopping 12 nominations.  

- My money is on “The King’s Speech”… or as Chris Matthew’s calls it, “The State of The Union Address President Obama Gave Last Night”. 

- The academy also announced that they will be presenting the “Lifetime Non-Achievement Award” to David Spade.  

- Following the announcements there was some confusion… Larry King thought he had been nominated for his farewell speech.  

Fat Is The New Brown

University researchers in London are warning that indoor heating might make you fat.  They claim that modern society reduces exposure to cold, and that minimizes the need for the body to burn fat to stay warm. They found that people who spend more time in warm temps. may lose brown fat, the type that burns energy to produce heat, and pack on fat that just makes you obese. 

- Another tragic consequence of global warming!

- It’s bad enough to have all this belly fat, now I find out it’s the wrong color!

- Who knew Kirstie Alley was housebound?  

- Big Al’s dream is to stay in his house eating long enough until Richard Simmons has to show up with a backhoe to get him out.

"Your Girlfriend's A Doll! Literally!"

David Hockey of Nova Scotia has an unusual hobby:  he’s touring the world with his collection of “Real Doll” sex dolls.  He’s taken his extremely realistic fake girlfriends sky-diving, horseback riding and motorbiking.  He’s even spent thousands of dollars on wigs, stilettos and glamorous outfits for the “girls”.  Hockey, who’s a married father of two, says his wife doesn’t mind.  He says she isn’t threatened by the dolls and, “She knows I’m not going to run off with an 80-pound piece of silicone shaped like a woman.”

- Brad Pitt did!  Just ask Jennifer Aniston!

- Charlie Sheen should try this.  He could still sleep around, lock the girls in the bathroom, and skip all the lawsuits!

- Hockey’s wife doesn’t mind because he lets her borrow the sex-dolls shoes! 

- This kind of makes my WWII hobby seem kind of lame.  

- He named his favorite doll, “Holly Hobby”

"You're Only As Old As The Women You Feel"

Former Playboy Playmate and Hugh Hefner girlfriend, Kendra Wilkenson has an explanation as to why Hef never married his long-time girlfriend Holly Madison.  The two had dated for six years but broke up in 2008 when he didn’t come up with a diamond.  According to Kendra, even though Hugh is well into his 80’s, he “just wasn’t ready to settle down.”  Although he is currently engaged to another girl, Kendra added that “when a guy is not ready, he’s not ready.  Hef was too young!”

- Well yeah!  I mean the guy has like a whole one-percent of his life ahead of him!

- I guess he still wanted to sew his wild oats.  Although now he gets the kind that come with extra-fiber. 

- Besides, he was way to busy baby-sitting his great grandkids too plan a wedding! 

It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time...

Andreas Muller of Sachsen, Germany, won a radio contest to see who woulld do the craziest stunt for a free $30,000 Mini Cooper car.  Mueller was heard on the radio screaming in agony as he let a tattoo artist ink the Mini’s logo onto his, well… “you know”.  

- He might think-twice when he meets a date for coffee and tries to impress her by saying he’s got a Mini! 

- He was hoping to win a Chevrolet Volt but realized he didn’t have enough room on his… I mean in his garage!

Today's Almanac

On this date in 1784, Benjamin Franklin wrote a letter to his daughter saying he was unhappy with the Eagle being chosen as the symbol of America.  He thought it should be a turkey instead. 

- Which, unfortunately based on our 14 trillion dollar debt,  is probably what the rest of the world consider our national symbol today.  

- Is it just me or would the whole pop-up-timer thing kind of take away from the majesty of our national bird?  

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow! 

-Dick

Fewer Robes, No Slippers

President Obama will deliver his State of the Union address tonight, but despite all the talk about the new civility, it’s unlikely many Supreme Court Justices will show up.  Why?  

They don’t want to be insulted again like they were last year when the Prez publically criticized one of their decisions. Justice Antonin Scalia flat out refuses to attend.  He said, “It is a juvenile spectacle, and I resent being called up to give it dignity”. 

- He did admit, however, that he’d be interested in doing a guest shot on “Jersey Shore”. 

- This year, instead of Joe Wilson yelling, “You lie!” he’s gonna jump up and say, “You know!” (a reference to Soupy Sales’ classic parrot joke!)

- And you thought Diana Ross was the only one who could tick-off the Supremes! 

Oprah's Got A New Favorite Thing!

Oprah Winfrey unveiled her “family secret” bombshell Monday on her show, when she revealed…

A long-lost half-sister she never knew about! The woman, identified only as Patricia, was born when Oprah was eight and living with her dad. Oprah’s mom gave Patricia up for adoption.  She had searched for her birth family for years and began to suspect she was related to Oprah because what she knew of her family background matched Oprah’s story.  The two met this past Thanksgiving and Patricia says she didn’t sell her story to the media because Oprah is family.  Oprah said the news that she had a half-sister “shook me to my core” and was “the miracle of all miracles”.  

- Oprah’s BFF Gail King - whom Oprah often refers to as “the sister I never had” said, “Oh #@$*!”

- If this woman makes it into the will, Steadman will only end up with a gazillion dollars instead of a bazillion.  

- Oprah was so excited, she gave everyone in her audience a free half-sister too! 

- And she jumped up and down on her own couch!