A Good Work-In Can Make You Buff!

Tuesday was “Working Naked Day.” when at-home workers are encourage to have fun, release their inhibitions and celebrate not be stuck with co-workers in an office by doing their jobs in the buff.  It was founded by a Dallas woman who has worked at home for 20 years and says there is often a stigma attached to those who don’t head off to an office everyday.  “Working Naked Day” encourages at-home workers to stand up and say, “It’s okay.  I’m not embarassed, and I bet a lot of people in corporate jobs wish they could work at home too.”

- It all went horribly wrong when an overweight male nurse thought “Work Naked Day at Home” was for people who worked in Nursing Homes.  (Stop scaring old people!)

- Big Al spent the day looking in the blinds of a woman who runs a pole dancing class out of her house.

They've Never Flown... And It Shows!

Flying is so common now, you’d think everyone would be an expert, but a poll of 3,000 Virgin Airlines flight attendants found that they still get plenty of stupid questions from newbies.  Questions included, “where is the planes playroom?”, “Where are the showers?” and “Is there a McDonalds on board.  They’ve also been asked to turn down the planes engines because they’re too loud and to ask the pilots to stop the turbulence.  The most common question of all?  “Please, can you open the window?”

- The only way to stop the turbulence is to get the parents of the kid sitting behind you to get him to stop kicking your seat!

- These people are referred to as “Non-Frequent Flyers”. 

- I think the most ridiculous question is, “Are we there yet?”

- One man asked if he could go to the cockpit and meet the Auto-Pilot. 

Screw Chocolate!

ATTENTION MEN … A Valentine’s Day survey of 1,000 American women found that by a margin of 73 to 27 percent, the ladies would rather have great sex every week for five years than free chocolate every week for five years.

- This is gonna make it a lot harder on guys.  Instead of just running in the drugstore for a box of candy, their going to have to find someone capable of having great sex with their wives.  

- Women who are “adventurous” in the bedroom refer to it as “The Whitman Sampler”.

- I know a man who gives his wife a Twizzler every Valentine’s Day!

Have a great day, practice “safe-shoveling” and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

Catch My Drift?

Looks like we’re about to get hit with a blizzard (and I’m not talking the kind at Dairy Queen).  Forecasters say we’ll get up to 10 to 15 inches of snow overnight, with an additonal 4 to 6 inches tomorrow - which already has kids everywhere chanting those two magical words:  “Snow Day!  Snow Day!”  

- This kind of storm makes me wonder what Jerry Hodak’s  doing with his Doppler now that he’s retired.    

- When Charlie Sheen heard we were expecting a foot or more of the “white stuff”, he grabbed his coke pipe and boarded a plane to Detroit. 

- I’m beginning to start believing there’s really something to this “Global Warming” thing.

The storm is expected to hit a huge part of the country from St. Louis, Chicago and Detroit to the Northeastern States.  

- Too bad it’s not gonna hit Washington, D.C. Politicians in the capital are used to shoveling… it’s just not usually snow. 

- When I was growing up in Buffalo, we called this kind of storm, “a light dusting”. 

NObama Care?

In what could be a fatal blow to Obamacare, a Federal Judge agreed Monday with 26 states that the mandate forcing all Americans to buy insurance is unconstitutional.  He did decline to order a halt to all of the programs provisions, since the Supreme court will ultimately rule on it.  But ironically, the most devastating quote he cited in his decision came from Barack Obama himself.  While running for President, Obama strongly opposed mandated health insurance and said that, “if that worked, then why not cure homelesness by mandating that everyone buy a house?”

- Or better yet… have Oprah give everyone one!

- Wasn’t it the government who let millions of Americans buy houses they couldn’t afford, that are now in foreclosure? 

- Maybe we should be forced to buy healthcare since the government allows Walmart to sell booze, guns and ammo all in one location! 

- Obama blamed the quote on a teleprompter malfunction. 

"Nurse...I Need Another Sponge Bath!"

Charlie Sheen may be stuck in rehab for up to 3 months… costing CBS $250 million by putting Charlie’s show, “Two and a Half Men” on hiatus until his return.  But it won’t be too bad for Charlie.  Sheen has reportedly decided to do his rehab stint at home due to “privacy reasons”.  He’s reportedly put together a team of professionals that he trusts to come in every day and help him. 

- And nobody is better at finding “professionals” than Charlie!

(Fortunately we were able to obtain a picture of one of the professional caretakers, posted just above).   

- Lindsay Lohan, who actually had to stay at a rehab facility, is like so mad she’s like, totally gonna blow a gasket!  

- In his defense, Doctors do say that patients tend to recover quicker when surrounded by friends and their porn-family.

A Myocardial Infraction?

Researchers at USC have discovered that sports can be deadly for super fans.  They found that in the period after the L.A. Rams lost to the Steelers in the 1980 Super Bowl, cardiac death rates among men rocketed up 15%.  Surprisingly, they also jumped a whopping 27% among women.  They don’t believe the women were that emotionally invested in the game, but that the women’s heart attacks were sparked by being upset about how angry their husbands were about the Super Bowl loss. 

- The heart attack rate in Detroit usually spikes about two games into the regular season.

- If the heart attack rate among women rises again this year, after the Packers-Steelers game, it will be because they found out their husbands spent 4 grand to buy  a hundred-inch plasma TV to watch the game. 

- I understand this kind of passion… I had some chest pains during last night’s finale of “The Real Housewives of Atlanta”!!

"If You Love Something Set It Free... If It Doesn't Come Back, YIPEE!"

A British immigration official was fired after his bosses discovered that while his wife was visiting Pakistan, he put her name on the terrorist no-fly list and left her stuck there for three years.  He told his wife he was trying to fix the problem, but was actually…“having the time of his life.” An immigration source said, “A lot of people dislike their other halves, but to do this takes it to the next level”.  

- In this case he took the level from yellow to orange.

- She may not have been a terrorist when she left, but she’s gonna be one when she gets home!

- When she gets back, he’s planning to send her on a make-up getaway vacation to Egypt.

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1840, the first American dental college, the Baltimore College of Dental Surgery, was incorporated. 

- It would have opened sooner, but getting the paperwork through was like pulling teeth!

- People were drooling to get into the college and had to apply through the Dean of Admissions, a “Mr. I. M. Thirsty”.  

Bundle up, have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow.  I’m off to salt and pepper my driveway! 

- Dick 

"I Want My Mummy!"

During the on-going riots in Egypt, some looters got into the Egyptian Museum and ripped the heads off two mummies before soldiers stopped them and secured the building. 

- You know things are bad when even the mummies are unraveling. 

- Government officials want cooler heads to prevail… and you’re not going to get a much cooler head than one that’s been dead for a thousand years.

- Wait till you hear about the rioters plans for a pyramid scheme!

Something To Keep Your Scepter Safe!

Prince William and Kate Middleton’s royal wedding will be a much less posh affair than the Charles and Diana extravaganza back in 1981.  With Britain’s economic woes, William and Kate will reportedly take a modest honeymoon and will ask friends to donate to charity instead of giving lavish gifts.  Even the souveniers for the public are cheaper:  One company, “Crown Jewels Condoms of Distinction”, is selling a royal wedding commemorative three-pack that urges users to “lie back and think of England”!  

- So now, patriotic British men can give their all for England without even getting out of bed.    

- If Willaim and his bride-to-be use the condoms, don’t be looking for a show called “William & Kate Plus Eight” anytime soon.

- Despite the couples wishes for no gifts, Camilla says she’s going to, “Pony up for something really special”. 

- By “modest honeymoon”, the couple means they’ll fly around the world; they just won’t make any stops.  

- The wedding will also differ from Charles and Diana’s, because the groom’s mistress won’t be sitting in one of the front pews. 

Charlie's Brown Eyes Are Blue

Charlie Sheen is back in rehab after 36 hours of partying with porn stars, including heavy drinking and the alleged briefcase of cocaine delivered to his house during the festivities.  While doctors believe the drugs aggravated a hernia he has in his stomach, Charlie has a much simpler explanation for it… 

He claims the hernia acted up after he laughed too hard while watching a TV show.  But CBS execs aren’t buying it and forced him to seek treatment at an undisclosed rehab center.  A clearly annoyed Sheen tweeted, “I’m fine. People don’t seem to get it.  Guy (sic) can’t have a great time and do his job also?  Bunch of turds.” Even Lindsay Lohan tweeted that she’s “thrilled” he’s getting treatment because he shows, “obvious sign of addiction”. 

- OMG! Lindsay is so smart! I’m sure it didn’t occur to any of us that he had a problem until she pointed it out!

- Doctors became skeptical when Charlie told him that the show he was laughing so hard at was “Spongebob No-pants”

- C’mon.  Let’s give ‘em a break.  It’s not like he called-in sick to work and went golfing.  

- Charlie isn’t getting any special treatment… he’s sharing his room with “Two and Half Addicts”. 

God Only Knows What His Floss Is Made Of...

One of Charlie’s girls, porn star Kacy Jordan, told the media that Sheen has done so many drugs, he’s lost his teeth and had them replaced with gold teeth covered with veneers.  

- Apparently Charlie has seen a lot of those “Invest in Gold” commercials and decided to put his money where his mouth is!

She also claims he gave her a check for 30 grand and asked her to be one of the girls in the “porn family” he hopes to create.  

- If only Norman Rockwell was alive and could paint “Charlie Sheen’s Porn-Family Thanksgiving”!

"I Don't Like Kids, By George!"

The National Enquirer is reporting that George Clooney has banned Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s kids from his home after they trashed the place.  

Apparently George is a bit of a neat freak, and wasn’t too thrilled when he found Brangelina’s brood had re-arranged his furniture and messed with his clothes during a recent visit to his lavish Italian home.  Pitt and Jolie are reportedly so upset, they’ve stopped speaking to Clooney! 

- There goes the Octomom’s  hopes of marrying George!

- Angelina said, “I’m hoping George will adopt a new attitude”. 

- I thought people liked it when their friends were willing to help move their couch! 

"Holy Mork, Batman!"

Rumor on the Hollywood street is that  Robin Williams is about to sign-on to play a villain in the next installment of the Batman movies.  “The Dark Knight Rises”, which is set to hit theaters in July of 2012, will allegedly feature Williams as bad guy “Dr. Strange”.

- So basically Robin will just be playing himself in tights and a cape.  

- They had planned to cast Charlie Sheen as “Dr. Porn” but they were afraid he wouldn’t show up on time. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1928, the 3M company introduced Scotch Tape.   

- So it’s been more than 80 years, and men still can’t figure out how to wrap a gift.

It’s also Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day…  

- So pop ‘em if you got ‘em!

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick

Has Charlie Finally Lost His Sheen?

In case you missed the latest in Charlie Sheen’s ongoing saga of debauchery… here a brief overview: 

Charlie was rushed to the hospital Thursday morning with severe abdominal pain after partying for 36 hours straight with a bunch of porn-stars.  After much speculation, it turns out, he’s got a hernia in his stomach.  

But a whole lot happened before he went to Ceder-Sinai Hospital.  After inviting over a gaggle of his favorite porn stars for dinner and drinks at a friends house (Vanna White’s ex-husband), attendees say he announced that he wanted to build a “porn-family” - a group of his favorite girls who would all live together in a rented house down the street from his palatial home.  Think of it as the Playboy Mansion with more girls and less clothing.  

After dinner, they all headed back to Charlie’s pad to keep partying. At one point during the festivities, a designer briefcase was reportedly delivered to Charlie containing “several bricks” of Cocaine.  After smoking coke for a while, (I prefer the diet, caffeine-free kind that comes in a can) Charlie apparently got bored (who wouldn’t?) and took one of the adult-film stars down to his “theater room” where they sat and watched porn for three hours.  But Charlie didn’t just watch… according to his companion, (I couldn’t find her name but it was probably Tiffany-Amber-Britney something) Charlie gave a running critique of the films, commenting on positions, camera angles etc… The girl said she was “surprised” by the depth of his knowledge!! 

Well who wouldn’t be?  Then again, everybody’s needs a hobby!   

Not feeling so hot (just hot and bothered) Charlie began complaining of agonizing pain in his stomach.  So one of the girls did what anyone would do in that situation.  She called… no, not 911, but “Andrienne”, one of the stars of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”! Andrienne then called 911.  (She was probably on some cable show like “The Real Registered Nurses of Redondo Beach).  That’s the way it works out in California… Reality Show stars are considered “First Responders”.  

So Charlie ended up in the hospital (with his father Martin Sheen, his mother and his ex-wife Denise Richards at his bedside) and the girls went home… til the next party.  And I’m pretty sure there’s gonna be one.  Let’s take a quick trip down memory lane…

-1990: Sheen accidentally shoots then-fiancée Kelly Preston in the arm. The engagement is called off shortly thereafter.

-1995: Charlie admits to being a client of the Hollywood Madam, Heidi Fleiss, copping to having spent $50,000 for the, um… “services”… of her call girls.

-1995: Two months after marrying model Donna Peele, Sheen was sued by a UCLA student who claimed he struck her in the head back in 1994 after she refused him sex. 

-1997: Sheen pleads no contest to battery charges brought by former girlfriend, model-actress Brittany Ashland, who claims Sheen threw her onto his kitchen floor and split her lip. He earned a year’s suspended sentence, two years’ probation and a $2,800 fine.

-1998: Enters lockdown rehab after being hospitalized for a drug overdose. 

-2005: Denise Richards files for divorce, while pregnant, accusing Sheen of “inappropriate behavior,” including dalliances with prostitutes, gambling problems and drug and alcohol problems, that could negatively impact his daughters’ upbringing. Sheen denies everything, calling the claims “laughable and inane”.

-2009: Sheen is arrested on felony menacing charges and spends Christmas in a Colorado jail after wife Brooke Mueller tells cops the actor threatened her with a knife.

-2010: Hooker hides in bathroom while a naked Charlie trashes his hotel room in New York.  (His wife and two kids were in a room across the hall at the time.  He’s actually got 5 kids by three different women)

-2011:  SEE ABOVE

Now the question might be logically asked, how does Charlie Sheen keep his “Two and a Half Men” TV show - which allegedly pays him up to $8 Million an episode while exhibiting this public behavior? 

Ratings!  It’s the top rated entertainment show on CBS.  

So how long will Charlie be able to keep this up?  Who knows? Maybe one day, he’ll clean up his lifestyle and finally admit that the real reason he ended up in the hospital was that his Viagra lasted more than 4 hours!  

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday!

- Dick
 

"You Heard It First On My Show Last March!

Bob Seger made it official today.  He confirmed that he is going on tour for the first time in 4 years… something he mentioned exclusively when he called into my final broadcast last March 26th!  No word yet on when or where he’ll be appearing locally… We’ll keep you posted!  

BTW…I live within a stone’s throw of Bob, so when he throws the stone with the list of concert dates over to my house, we’ll have it here, first for you, right here on this website! 

A Wedding To Die For!

USA today reports that funeral homes are desparate for business, so they are now aggressively marketing their facilities as event centers for weddings, anniversaries, birthdays, holiday parties and proms.  And it seems to be working…

One funeral home in Indianapolis has booked 99 weddings for 2011. Some people who’ve held events at funeral homes say they were creeped out at first, but they’re such beautiful facilites that one person said, “if you can get past the lobby and forget all the funerals and dead people in the room next door, it’s a great place for a wedding.”

- And just think of money you’ll save on flowers! 

- The funeral home says the pall-bearers make great groomsmen!

- Some people were a little freaked out when the bride and groom drove away in a hearse with streamers and tin cans tied to the back!

- They should start selling engagement rings at the funeral home… I can just hear it now:  “He went to Desmond & Sons!”

- Some people years later go back to the locations where they were married for sentimental reasons.  Now this gives them a more practical reason.  

"Two's Company... Three's a Divorce"

A 36 year old woman from Rome has filed for divorce just a month after her wedding, and for good reason… Her new husband brought his mother along on the their honeymoon.  She says she was shocked to show up at the airport for a flight to France to find her new mother-in-law packed and ready to go with them.  Her husband said he couldn’t leave his mother home alone “for health reasons”, but the bride wants out. 

- Especially considering that she was the one who got stuck with the rollaway bed.  

- This is a case of “I see London, I see France, but I don’t want my mother-in-law seeing me in my underpants”. 

- But the groom needed his mom!  Who else was going to check under the heart shaped bed for monsters on the wedding night?

- She did come in handy at one point.  When the newlyweds got hungry during the middle of the night, they sent her out for cheeseburgers.