Let Me Get This Straight... His WIFE Wants Too Much Sex?

A Turkish man living in Germany has asked for police protection from his wife… because of her insatiable sex drive.  They’ve been married for 18 years and have two kids, but he wants a divorce so he can finally get some sleep.  He says he was so tired at work, he started sleeping on the couch four years ago but she kept coming into the living room, waking him up, and demanding that he do his husbandly duties. 

- I thought “husbandly duties” were mowing the lawn and taking out the garbage. 

- Wait til Charlie Sheen hears this story.  He’ll be on this woman like a hobo on a ham sandwich!   

- The first thing the cops told him was to call the cable company and cancel Cinemax.  

Not Only That... She's Two-Faced!

Miley Cyrus has been announced the worst celebrity influence of 2010, for the second time in a row. 

The 18-year-old took in a whopping 58 percent of the 99,000 votes in the poll for AOL”s JSYK.com (Just So You Know) website, which has a target audience of 9-15 year olds. Last year she beat Kanye West and Britney Spears. In 2010 she was caught on video smoking drugs from a bong and then photographed lifting her shirt almost to her chest in a series of scandalous photos taken at a gay club. 

- She claims it wasn’t her!  It was Hanna Montana!

- Lindsay Lohan would have won, but the nine year old voters just think of her as “that messed up old lady”. 

- This is just gonna break her dad Billy Cyrus’ heart!  His achy breaky heart!

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick

Today's Almanac

On this date in 2006, Western Union discontinued it’s telegram service.

-The last telegram, of course, was “YOUR SISTER ROSE IS DEAD”.  

 

"We Don't Have To Look Any Further Than Our Own Backyard!"

There’s talk that a $105 million movie production will be filmed at a huge new studio in Pontiac.  The unnamed movie is rumored to be “Oz: The Great and Powerful”, a Disney prequel to the classic “Wizard of Oz”.  Michigan native Sam Raimi would direct and Johnny Depp is negotiating for the lead role.  The movie will explain how the Wizard wound up in the Land of Oz before Dorothy and her three friends sought him out.  

- To give the movie some local flavor, they’re renaming one of the songs, “Follow the Yellow Brick Pothole”. 

- The part of the Cowardly Lion will be played by Matt Millen.

"Stand Up, Sit Down... Fight! Fight! Fight!"

Last night’s State of the Union address lasted just over an hour and was a little bit different than in years past. Instead of the Reds and the Blues sitting on opposite sides of the chamber, they scattered and sat amongst each other.  It was a supposed to be a show of “civility”, but some say it weakened the look of response to the speech. Instead of seeing a huge block give a standing ovation every other sentence, it looked like just a smattering of people getting to their feet.  

- It reminded me of when I was a kid going to mass at St. Paul’s Catholic Church.  Up, down… Up, down… And I’d want to just sit in the pew most of the time, but my mother would always make me kneel.  And the kneeling seemed to last forever!   

- It wasn’t nearly as much fun watching John Boehner’s expressionless face as it was watching Nancy Pelosi’s deer-in-the-headlights eyes and perma-grin! 

- They called it “prom seating” and it was a lot like prom.  At the end of the night they elected a king and queen… Joe Biden and Barney Frank.  

"And The Oscar May Go To..."

The Oscar nominations were announced Tuesday, with “True Grit” receiving 10 nods and “The King’s Speech” receiving a whopping 12 nominations.  

- My money is on “The King’s Speech”… or as Chris Matthew’s calls it, “The State of The Union Address President Obama Gave Last Night”. 

- The academy also announced that they will be presenting the “Lifetime Non-Achievement Award” to David Spade.  

- Following the announcements there was some confusion… Larry King thought he had been nominated for his farewell speech.  

Fat Is The New Brown

University researchers in London are warning that indoor heating might make you fat.  They claim that modern society reduces exposure to cold, and that minimizes the need for the body to burn fat to stay warm. They found that people who spend more time in warm temps. may lose brown fat, the type that burns energy to produce heat, and pack on fat that just makes you obese. 

- Another tragic consequence of global warming!

- It’s bad enough to have all this belly fat, now I find out it’s the wrong color!

- Who knew Kirstie Alley was housebound?  

- Big Al’s dream is to stay in his house eating long enough until Richard Simmons has to show up with a backhoe to get him out.

"Your Girlfriend's A Doll! Literally!"

David Hockey of Nova Scotia has an unusual hobby:  he’s touring the world with his collection of “Real Doll” sex dolls.  He’s taken his extremely realistic fake girlfriends sky-diving, horseback riding and motorbiking.  He’s even spent thousands of dollars on wigs, stilettos and glamorous outfits for the “girls”.  Hockey, who’s a married father of two, says his wife doesn’t mind.  He says she isn’t threatened by the dolls and, “She knows I’m not going to run off with an 80-pound piece of silicone shaped like a woman.”

- Brad Pitt did!  Just ask Jennifer Aniston!

- Charlie Sheen should try this.  He could still sleep around, lock the girls in the bathroom, and skip all the lawsuits!

- Hockey’s wife doesn’t mind because he lets her borrow the sex-dolls shoes! 

- This kind of makes my WWII hobby seem kind of lame.  

- He named his favorite doll, “Holly Hobby”

"You're Only As Old As The Women You Feel"

Former Playboy Playmate and Hugh Hefner girlfriend, Kendra Wilkenson has an explanation as to why Hef never married his long-time girlfriend Holly Madison.  The two had dated for six years but broke up in 2008 when he didn’t come up with a diamond.  According to Kendra, even though Hugh is well into his 80’s, he “just wasn’t ready to settle down.”  Although he is currently engaged to another girl, Kendra added that “when a guy is not ready, he’s not ready.  Hef was too young!”

- Well yeah!  I mean the guy has like a whole one-percent of his life ahead of him!

- I guess he still wanted to sew his wild oats.  Although now he gets the kind that come with extra-fiber. 

- Besides, he was way to busy baby-sitting his great grandkids too plan a wedding! 

It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time...

Andreas Muller of Sachsen, Germany, won a radio contest to see who woulld do the craziest stunt for a free $30,000 Mini Cooper car.  Mueller was heard on the radio screaming in agony as he let a tattoo artist ink the Mini’s logo onto his, well… “you know”.  

- He might think-twice when he meets a date for coffee and tries to impress her by saying he’s got a Mini! 

- He was hoping to win a Chevrolet Volt but realized he didn’t have enough room on his… I mean in his garage!

Today's Almanac

On this date in 1784, Benjamin Franklin wrote a letter to his daughter saying he was unhappy with the Eagle being chosen as the symbol of America.  He thought it should be a turkey instead. 

- Which, unfortunately based on our 14 trillion dollar debt,  is probably what the rest of the world consider our national symbol today.  

- Is it just me or would the whole pop-up-timer thing kind of take away from the majesty of our national bird?  

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow! 

-Dick

Fewer Robes, No Slippers

President Obama will deliver his State of the Union address tonight, but despite all the talk about the new civility, it’s unlikely many Supreme Court Justices will show up.  Why?  

They don’t want to be insulted again like they were last year when the Prez publically criticized one of their decisions. Justice Antonin Scalia flat out refuses to attend.  He said, “It is a juvenile spectacle, and I resent being called up to give it dignity”. 

- He did admit, however, that he’d be interested in doing a guest shot on “Jersey Shore”. 

- This year, instead of Joe Wilson yelling, “You lie!” he’s gonna jump up and say, “You know!” (a reference to Soupy Sales’ classic parrot joke!)

- And you thought Diana Ross was the only one who could tick-off the Supremes! 

Oprah's Got A New Favorite Thing!

Oprah Winfrey unveiled her “family secret” bombshell Monday on her show, when she revealed…

A long-lost half-sister she never knew about! The woman, identified only as Patricia, was born when Oprah was eight and living with her dad. Oprah’s mom gave Patricia up for adoption.  She had searched for her birth family for years and began to suspect she was related to Oprah because what she knew of her family background matched Oprah’s story.  The two met this past Thanksgiving and Patricia says she didn’t sell her story to the media because Oprah is family.  Oprah said the news that she had a half-sister “shook me to my core” and was “the miracle of all miracles”.  

- Oprah’s BFF Gail King - whom Oprah often refers to as “the sister I never had” said, “Oh #@$*!”

- If this woman makes it into the will, Steadman will only end up with a gazillion dollars instead of a bazillion.  

- Oprah was so excited, she gave everyone in her audience a free half-sister too! 

- And she jumped up and down on her own couch! 

"I'd Like To Buy The World a Toke..."

Clay Butler of California is developing a line of soda pop infused with THC, the active ingredient in Marijuana. Flavors will include…

Orange, grape, lemon-lime, “Canna Cola,” and a Dr. Pepper-like drink called “Doc Weed”.  Butler says he doesn’t drink, smoke or do drugs, but he believes that “adults have an inalienable right to think, eat, smoke, drink, ingest, decorate, and dress anyway they choose to do so.”  His cannabis sodas will come in 12 ounce bottles and sell for $12 to $15 each. 

- Isn’t that price a little HIGH?

- He’s also branching out into marijuana-laced foods… wait ‘til you try his Chicken Pot Pie! 

- Lindsay Lohan is already trying to find rolling papers big enough to fit around the bottle. 

- I guess you have to use a pair of plyers as a roach clip.

- One sip of the “Doc Weed” flavor and you’ll be singing, “I’m like totally a pepper; dude, you’re a pepper; wouldn’t it be way awesome if you were a pepper, like, too?”

Facebook Makes Women "Twitter" Sooner!

A poll of women by Shape and Men’s Health magazines found that social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter are making women jump into bed with men faster!  

Nearly 40% said that while they used to have rules like, “no sex before the third date”, they’re now rushing into it quicker, because they’ve spent so much time chatting with and texting the man, they think they know him before they actually meet in person.  Meanwhile a psychologist agrees, adding that texting is helpful for men whose goal is sex. 

- In other words, texting is helpful for all men… with the possible exception of Kwame Kilpatrick.  

- I’m sure fathers everywhere are thrilled to hear that their daughters have dropped their strict moral code of “no sex before the third date”. 

- Nowadays, after a “romantic interlude”, women text their partners, “What r u thinking about?” even though he’s lying right next to her.  

Lining Up To Get Drilled

Dr. Catherine Klarkowski, an attractive blonde dentist who runs the “Relax and Smile” clinic in Munich, Germany, has found a new form of dental anesthetic… Cleavage. 

After reading that romantic love makes people feel less pain, she put herself and her 10 female staffers into traditional Alpine Dirndl dresses with tight, low-cut bodices that work like a push-up bra.  She said that the sight of all that cleavage gets patients “narcotized” and distracts them from their pain.  Plus “some patients’ mouths are wide open as soon as they enter the office, and that’s just what a dentist wants!”

- One patient stared at the hygentist’s cleavage so hard his eye teeth fell out. 

- They’ve nicknamed the low cut bodice the “Over-the-Shoulder-Molar-Holder”. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow! And remember… it’s just eleven months to Christmas!

- Dick  

It's About Time!!!

The Tigers are finally retiring Sparky Anderson’s Number 11.  Nice gesture… Too bad they didn’t do it while Sparky was alive! 

The Not-So-Great Chicago Fire

The Superbowl is set.  The Packers will take on the Steelers in the big game.  But some Bear’s fans, who lost yesterdays play-off to the Packers are taking out their frustration on their own Quarterback, Jay Cutler.  Cutler had to leave the game with an injured knee, and scores of fans were so angry at him for not toughing it out, they burned their Cutler jerseys in the parking lot.

- Police believe alcohol may have played a part so basically they blamed it on “Da Beers”!

- I’m not proud, but I did something similar at one of my daughters pee-wee soccer games years ago.  When the 7-year-old goalie dropped out because of a “tummy ache” I threw all the orange slices and juice boxes at her parents. 

I Prefer Polar Bear Myself!

Some Packers fans at a sports lounge in St. Paul, Minnesota, literally roasted the Bears, by well… roasting a bear.  The owner’s cousin shot a 180-pound black bear during hunting season and froze it, and the owner cooked it in a pig roaster and planned to serve it up after the game. But health officials nixed their plans because the meat was unprocessed.  Instead they let patrons take pictures of themselves with the bear as it roasted, then served it as his cousin’s post-game party.

- So the Packers fans had roasted bear, while Bear’s fans dined on a nice portion of crow.

- Drink enough beer and roasted bear tastes pretty much like chicken.

"How Cold Is It? It's So Cold..."

An arctic blast from Canada has brought freakishly cold temps to the upper Midwest and Northeast.  Over the weekend, the “Icebox of the Nation,” International Falls, Minnesota, got down to 46 degrees below zero, tying the lowest temperature since they started keeping records back in 1897.  But they had nothing on Caribou, Maine, which reached 50 below.  An online poll asked if they planned to stay in out of the cold today, and 61% said no.

- One resident said, “50 below is cold… but it’s a dry cold.”

- Blame Canada!

- They should have wrapped themselves in the bear skin left over from the roast in Minnesota!