Imagine If She'd Been Beaten By "Meatballs"

In his debut interview, Larry King’s replacement, Piers Morgan got Oprah Winfrey to make quite an admission.  The Queen of Talk admitted that she blamed the homicidal doll Chucky for making her pig-out on mac and cheese.  Oprah said that when her movie “Beloved” debuted in 1998 and was crushed at the box office by “Bride of Chucky,” she didn’t even know what Chucky was.  But she was so depressed, she had her chef whip up some mac ‘n cheese and, “I ate about 30 pounds worth.  I’m not kidding!”

 - So we can safely assume that Chucky is not one of Oprah’s “Favorite Things”!

- This of course led to the creation of the restaurant “Chucky Cheese”.  

- And we should be surprised by this because??? 

In a not-really-related story…

The tabloids were all abuzz with rumors that the producers of “Three And A Half Men” were worried Monday that Charlie Sheen hadn’t returned from a weekend in Vegas with three porn star girlfriends at the porn video awards.  But Charlie’s rep said he’s fine and was back at work Tuesday.

- And we should be surprised by this beause???

"Does This Dress Make Frasier's Butt Look Big?"

TMZ.com claims that Kelsey Grammer’s estranged wife Camille told fellow “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” cast members that Kelsey was a cross-dresser.  But when pressed, she denied saying that and said that Kelsey’s “very much a man”.  

- A man who she plans to take to the cleaners… and not just to pick up his Vera Wang Cocktail Dress.   

- If Kelsey is a cross-dresser, he and his new 20-something fiance can share clothes!  

- Of all the guys on “Cheers” I would have put my money on Cliff the Mailman as the one in a dress.  

Have a great Thursday and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!  

- Dick 

We Say Goodbye to A Great American Hero

Dick Winters has died at the age of 92.  His heroism was captured in the famous “Band of Brothers” TV mini series based on the book by Stephen Ambrose.  Dick was a great leader who rose to become the commanding officer of Easy Company of the 506 PIR, 101st Airborne Division in World War II.  His unit landed on D-Day, fought at the Battle of the Bulge and all across Europe, right up to Hitler’s Berchesgarten at the war’s end.  (My wife’s aunt’s brother, Skip Muck, was a member of the unit and was killed at Bastogne).  We all have our heroes…Dick Winters was my Number One.  Rest in Peace.

Today we also say farewell to the last remaining member of the original “Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet Show”, David Nelson, who has passed away at the age of 74 after battling colon cancer.  Dave was the older brother of teen idol Ricky Nelson who was lost in a plane crash in 1985 at the age of 45.  Dave went on to become a successful producer and director.  I’m reminded of the age-old show biz question…What did Ozzie Nelson really do for a living on his show?  We may never know!

"Sex?"..."No thanks, just a pat on the back will do."

A study about “self-esteem” indicates that today’s young people require regular praise just to survive.  A professor at Ohio State University asked 282 students to rate various pleasurable activities, such as getting a paycheck, seeing a friend or eating a favorite food.  They rated receiving a compliment and getting a good grade higher than any other activities, including eating and having sex. The professor said he was stunned because he tried to list everything he thought a college student would like, and they still preferred having their egos stroked. 

The students preferred having their egos stroked…as long as it was by somebody of the opposite sex.

Apparently this means that “Animal House” wasn’t a documentary! 

What gave the Ohio State students the most pleasure?  Beating Michigan in football!  Here’s hoping new Wolverine Head Coach Brady Hoke can change that!

Vanilla Ice Gives Madonna the Cold Shoulder

Back in 1991, white rapper Vanilla Ice was dating Madonna, and he’s finally revealed to a British tabloid why they broke up.  He claims it was because of her notorious photo book, “Sex.”  He said, “I thought she was taking pictures and running around naked because she was like that,” but he was “embarrassed and ashamed” to discover it was “porno” and his photo was in it.  Ice said, “We were in a relationship,” but the book made it look as if she were having sex with all these other people.  He called it “disgusting,” “cheap” and “slutty.”

Today  “disgusting”, “cheap” and “slutty” are part of Madonna’s Facebook profile.  (Actually, “Disgusting”, “Cheap” and “Slutty” are three of Charlie’s Sheen’s 7 Dwarfs)

So Vanilla Ice didn’t think Madonna was having sex with other people?  Hmm, I have some swampland I’d like to sell him in Florida.

"Cat Got Your Tongue?" No...a Pole Did!

Firefighters in Woodward, Oklahoma, rushed to a middle school, where an 8-year-old boy’s tongue was frozen to a metal stop sign pole.  They poured water on it to free it and took him to a hospital for treatment.  Asked why he touched the frozen pole with his tongue, he said because his older brother had dared him to do it.  

Why doesn’t this happen to our politicians?…Oh that’s right, they don’t believe in “poles”.

As punishment, the older bother will receive a week’s worth of wedgies and purple nurples from his kid brother.

True story…My beautiful bride Gail got her tongue stuck on a pole when she was 4-years old and in kindergarten.  Which raises a point.  I was 5 years old when I was in kindergarten.  Which explains why Gail beats me night in and night out at “Wheel of Fortune”!

"It'll Be A Cold Day In..."

Geoscientists from Scotland’s University of St. Andrews say they have evidence that will disprove the “Snowball Earth” theory; the idea that 600 million years ago, the planet was completely encased in ice a kilometer thick. They say rocks in Scotland show that even during the coldest period, the ocean water wasn’t frozen, which means that some parts of the Earth always remained unfrozen.  

The scientists did agree however that “Hell” would freeze over once the Lions won the Super Bowl.  (Although we are starting to get a small glimmer of hope!)

"Not Exactly the Bird of Paradise!"

An electrician from Taiwan has sued his neighbors for teaching their mynah bird to curse him because he complained to the police that they were too loud.  Wang Han-chin claimed that every time he leaves home, the talking bird calls out, “Clueless, big-mouthed idiot!”  He said this distressed him so much that he can’t concentrate at work.

This gives new meaning to giving someone “The Bird”.

A mynah bird with a “fowl” mouth, go figure.

The bird is so obnoxious that it’s going to be featured with Snooki on the next episode of “The Jersey Shore”.

Happy Birthday Wishes Today!

Can you believe Howard Stern and Rush Limbaugh share a birthday?  Howard is 57, Rush 60.  Howard celebrated this morning by getting women to bare their breasts on his show, while Rush celebrated by calling all democrats “boobs”.

And it’s hard to believe Kirstie Alley turns 60 today.  I can remember when she was just a little girl. 

Time to get out of my “birthday suit” and get some clothes on.  It’s cccccold out!  See you back here Thursday!…Dick

My Take On Tucson

Here’s what we’ve learned about the shooter:

- Agents believe he developed a “festering and irrational hatred of Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords” after she failed to answer a nonsensical question he asked her during a similar rally in 2007.  The question was:  “What is government if words have no meaning?”

-  He was expelled from a community college in Tucson after five encounters with campus police.

- He was arrested twice in separate drug and graffiti offenses.

- Many of his classmates say he made them feel “uncomfortable” and feared that he would show up in class with a gun.

- Many of them thought he was on the verge of a violent breakdown.

- Many who knew him believed that he was mentally ill.

- He would smile incessantly and break into laughter at inappropriate times. 

- A classmate said he was a “left-winger”.

- Others said he was non-political.

- Some say he was a member of a anti-Semitic fringe group.

- He was obsessed with the Mayan apocalyptical prophesy that the world will end in 2012.

- His backyard shrine contained a skull and candles indicating that he might have been involved in Satanic rituals. 

- He was upset that the countries monetary system isn’t based on the gold standard.

- He was fixated on the government using grammer as “mind control”.  (Which would seem to tie back into the question that he asked Gabrielle back in 2007)

After looking at this list and then listening to the commentators and political types giving their opinions as to why this obviously mentally-ill individual did what he did, it appears to me, that sadly, most of their explanations are framed and designed to advance their own political agendas! 

And now… for a look at the lighter side of today’s news, scroll down!

They Don't Read The Laws They Pass!

An annual survey of the top 75 U.S. metropolitan areas named Washington, DC, as the most literate city in America.  The study is based on the number and frequency of use of libraries, bookstores, newspapers, magazines and the Internet. 

- The city council of Columbus, Ohio immediately demanded a recount saying, “There ain’t no way those numbers is korrect!”

- I would have guessed the most literate city would have been Reading, Pennsylvania. 

These Days, Hef Really Does Only Read It For The Articles!

Hugh Hefner is taking back his Playboy Empire.  He’s still the largest shareholder and he’s reportedly struck a deal to pay $207 million to buy the remaining shares and make Playboy private again.  Although the magazine has been steadily losing money, Hef says he wants to turn it around and pass it on to his two sons when he dies.

- Those are two lucky boys!  Most guys have to settle for finding their dad’s stash of old issues in the back of his closet.

- The sons of the guy who owns “Reader’s Digest” said, “Life just isn’t fair”. 

- Hugh will be the only guy in history who’s Will features a pull-out centerfold of his naked widow.

Bye-ByeSpace?

MySpace, the social network that used to dominate the Internet, has fallen so far that they are laying off over half their staff of 1,000 today in a last-ditch effort to survive.

- Everyone at Facebook is LTAO!

- They should remame it “LieSpace” and give everyone a place to post fake pictures of themselves and make up lies about how great they are… no wait, we’ve already got “Match.com”.  

"The Lonely Goatherd(er)"

Police in Kretzyn, Poland, stopped a 54 year old man who was three times over the drunk driving limit and were stunned to find that he had a live goat for a passenger.  He told the cops he’d been lonely and gone to a friend’s farm to meet a female goat.  He had a few vodkas to “break the ice” and after a few more, decided to take the goat out on a date.  He may face prison time.

- I’d love to be a fly on the wall the first time an inmate asks him, “So whataya in for?”

- The man insisted there was no sex… Apparently he was willing but the goat was sheepish.

- If you really want to romance a farm animal, you should try putting perfume on a pig!

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick

Too Sad Too Talk About...

Needless to say, the tragedy in Tucson over the weekend has left us all shaking our collective heads.  Since it’s all over the news, I thought we’d give you something a little lighter to help take your mind off the mind-boggling event.  Needless to say, our thoughts and prayers are with the victims and their families.  

"Love 4000"

Andre Agassi was presiding over a charity auction of an autographed dish in Taiwan, and to get the bids up, he offered to show the winner a naked photo of his wife Steffi Graf on his cell phone.  A man ended up paying over $4000 for the dish. 

- Big Al had a similar experience once when he paid big bucks for a plate with a nude picture of Helen Hunt on it… but ended up getting a plate featuring a naked picture of Helen Thomas.   

I Feel Like I'm Drugged, Eh?

 

Researchers at McGill University in Canada may have discovered why some people get so obsessed with music. They hooked up 217 subjects to monitors who claimed that they got “chills” listening to their favorite tunes.  As they listened, their bodies showed a reaction like a rush of physical activity and their brains released dopamine, the same pleasure chemical that comes from eating good food, making money or taking psychoactive drugs.  

- It turns out the people who had the drug-like reaction while listening to Lady Gaga actually had taken drugs. 

- In my radio days, I always got a rush when I played “My Baby Does the Hanky Panky”  It was a rush right to the bathroom to throw-up!  (In truth, everytime it came up on the playlist, I skipped over it and played something else!)

- If President Obama ever releases an album, Chris Matthews will probably overdose.  

OMG!

Some people on the Internet are panicking over a false news report that Mark Zuckerberg is under too much stress and “wants his old life back”, so he plans on shutting down Facebook on March 15^th.  The story actually originated in the Weekly World News, the bizarre tabloid that brought us “Batboy”.

- I was so depressed when I heard, I changed my profile picture from my face to a bottle of Prozac.

- Thank God it’s not true!  How could I possibly keep up my fake friendships with all those people I’ve never met?

 

"You Make Me Feel So Young... And Look So Old!"

Listen up Hugh Hefner:  German researchers have found that most people are able to guess someone’s age fairly accurately when they see the person alone or with people of the same age.   But when test subjects saw an older person with a much younger person, the contrast made them estimate the older one to be much older than they really are.  Younger people with older partners were judged to be much younger than they really were.  

- So an eighty year old man who’s dating a 25 year old looks ninety?  Something tells me he couldn’t give a rats patoot. 

"My Declaration of Annoyance!"

Yesterday, House Republicans kept their campaign promise to read the Constitution out loud.  But that doesn’t mean Congress members actually paid any attention to it.  Some members groused that they were “fetishizing” an old document.  Now that rules have just been changed to allow the use of personal electronic devices on the floor, some of them busied themselves sending Twitter Tweets.  But one moment of drama came during the reading of the clause that says nobody but a natural-born citizen can be President, and a woman in the Gallery yelled out, “Except Obama!  Except Obama!” and had to be removed. 

- Mrs. Obama later apologized for her outburst!

Kind of amusing, but pretty damn disheartening as well.    

I think that most Americans love this country – with all of it’s flaws and blemishes.  I fly my flag.  I am awed by, and grateful for, the men and women who have and continue to serve in our Military.  I vote.  (except for the contestants on “American Idol” and “DWTS”). I stand and put my hand over my heart when I hear the Star Spangled Banner, and I’ve taught my kids to do the same.  I know this country isn’t perfect, but when I look around the world… I’d say it’s the best thing going!

I can’t imagine that - if today’s technology had existed back in the 1700’s when an extrodinary group of men (and the women behind them!) came together to produce the blueprint for our country, this same “Twittering” would have been going on.   

Imagine Ben Franklin Tweets to Thomas Jefferson:  “Don’t tell J. Adams, but Abigail is HOT”.

Jefferson Tweets back:  “OMG… I’m into B. Ross.  She flies my flag if u know what I mean”.

Nor can I imagine John Hancock listening to the hot new single from England by King George’s cousin, “Lady GaGa”.  Or Alexender Hamilton paying his horse-lease online while the Constitution was being debated. Or George Washington “tweeting” Martha to remind her to pick up some furniture polish for his teeth.

I realize the world has changed.  But I also find it disrespectful and in poor taste that some of the people we elected to uphold our countries Constitution, couldn’t even take the time to listen to it Thursday.

They should have forced themselves to do it… like I was forced (for years!) to listen to Minnie Ripperton’s “Loving You” and Maria Muldaur’s “Midnight at the Oasis”.  It just goes with the job!   

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here on Monday!

- Dick