"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Charlie Is Nowhere To Be Sheen!

Charlie Sheen has been voluntarily hospitalized for intoxication and psychiatric evaluation after the NYPD found him naked and drunk in a trashed suite at the Plaza Hotel – with a “professional escort”.  She called for help saying he was acting irrationally and throwing furniture after noticing that his wallet was missing.  She added that he’d been doing coke for days even though he’s under court order to stay off drugs and booze.  But it looks like he’s gonna skate:  The NYPD refused to verify the story, the hotel isn’t pressing charges, CBS reportedly chartered a jet to fly him back to a rehab center in LA and his PR rep blamed the whole thing on an “allergic reaction”.

Lindsay Lohan called him, “Out of control!” 

This makes David Hasselhoff lying on the floor trying to eat a hamburger look normal. 

Let me get this straight… Charlie trashes the room and the hotel doesn’t press charges, but I get attitude if I call room service and ask for a washcloth.

At this point, they should just re-name Charlie’s show, “Two and a Half Grams.

Charlie will check in at the Betty Ford Clinic and stay in the Mel Gibson Suite.  

***Any comments about Charlie latest escapade are welcome! Just hit the comment button above or post them on our Facebook page! 

Bark for a Narc!

A non-profit group called “Dogs Finding Drugs” has opened in Maryland.  For $200 an hour, they rent drug-sniffing dogs to worried parents to search their kids bedrooms for pot, heroin, cocaine, meth and certain prescription drugs.  Some drug prevention experts say parents should build trust with their teens and this is a surefire way to destroy that.  But DFD’s founder says parents are clamoring for the service.

Ironically Charlie’s father Martin Sheen hired one of these dogs to go through Charlie’s old bedroom.  One sniff and it died of an overdose.

Of course the best breed of dog for finding meth is a lab.

But Our Teachers Always Told Us It Was Made Of Cheese! 

NASA has known something for decades that most of us didn’t know until now:  The moon smells like gunpowder.  There’s no air, so you can’t smell it there, but the moon’s basalt rock that was formed by internal volcanoes smell like gunpowder when you bring it back to earth. 

Or maybe it’s just because the man in the moon is packin’ heat.   

Big deal!  We’ve all known for years that anything brought back from Mars smells like a candy bar. 

And Saturn has that “new car smell”. 

Survived By His Wife Cala-Mary 

The Oberhausen Sea Life Center in Germany announced Tuesday that Paul the Psychic Octopus has died.  He made worldwide news, and even got death threats from soccer fans, when he racked up a perfect World Cup prediction record by choosing between two food dishes to pick the winning teams.  Staffers plan to erect a permanent shrine to Paul, which might be a first for an Octopus. 

There was some good news… At the funeral they only needed one Octopus to serve as all eight pallbearers.

No word yet on weather Paul left a Last Will and Tentacle.

Sadly, his giant aquarium in now marked, “Un-Octopied”.

Note: 

Someone threw away Kwame Kilpatrick’s city-owned computer right in the middle of the Text Message Scandal back in 2008, and a federal judge is demanding to know why.

We know why!  The question is:  Who did it? 

My money is on Monica Conyers. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

"Gone With the Wind?"

This shot of Gail and me was taken by my daughter Jill last Sunday at Three Cedars Farm.  The weather was, if you’ll pardon the pun, “picture perfect”.  It was one of those days you need to file away in the old memory bank for when you’re cleaning a foot of snow off your car in 10 degree weather and you ask yourself… “Why do I live in Michigan again? Oh, yeah…”  

As for today… in preparation for the storm, I moved all of the outdoor furniture into the garage and the house itself.  I plan to ride out the storm in my newly located living room hammock!

And now… on with the news!

Speaking  of the Weather…

A county in Ohio is planning an experiment this winter.  The number of snow days they are alloted - when they can cancel school - has been cut from 5 to 3 days.  So when school is snowed out this year, they’ll put lessons on line so kids will have school at home.  

Every kids nightmare!  

Now kids won’t just be praying for snow… they’ll be praying for the power in their house to go out! 

But Can You Dangle Your Participle?   

Michigan Senator Ron Jelinek is calling for Michigan’s ban on items dangling from car rearview mirrors to be scaled back.  He wants to change it to allow things like air fresheners and graduation tasels to hang there, but ban larger items that obstruct the driver’s view.  

Personally I only hang one thing from my rearview mirror; it’s a small portable TV.  That way I can see the latest traffic updates while I’m driving. 

I just hope the legislature doesn’t tag-on some amendment to ban the Crown Air Freshener I keep on the ledge by the rear window!  

He Doesn’t Need Asylum… He Needs To Be In One 

Actor Randy Quaid and his wife Evi were apprehended in Vancouver where they had fled to avoid vandalism charges here in the states for allegedly continuing to live in a house they’d already sold.  This is just the latest in a series of legal troubles such as skipping out on hotel bills and resisting arrest.  So now they’ve asked Canada for refugee status.  They claim 8 of Randy’s actor friends have been murdered in recent years, and if they return to the U.S.  their lives will be in danger from “Hollywood star whackers”.   

Randy’s safe… because fortunately he’s NOT a star!

The more I hear about Randy, the more I realize he was playing himself as “Cousin Ed” in Christmas Vacation!

I think that Randy’s weirdness stems from the fact that his brother Dennis got the good looks in the family. 

Canada said they’ll grant him refugee status only if can prove he knows how to play hockey. 

How Many Blondes Does It Take To Hold A Rally?  

Over the weekend, the International Association of Blondes held it’s first convention in Bulgaria.  Thousands of blondes came from 10 nations to attend.  The highlight was a parade of blondes in bright pink outfits accompanied by cheerleaders and a brass band, carrying a banner reading, “Let’s smile more often and be better people”.  The goal was to raise women’s status.

Which they did by encouraging all participants to wear higher heels!

The “Google Earth” shot from above the parade made it clear that most of the blonds were not real. 

THIS JUST IN:  When Fox News heard about the parade, they immediately hired half the participants to be weekend anchors.  

 R.I.P Sony Walkman 

Monday, after 31 years, Sony announced that it has ceased production of the Walkman, the first portable device that let people take music anywhere without people around them having to hear it.   

— A lot of people were saddened by the news, but not me!  My 8-track player is still working just fine thank you!

In closing, for expert advice on how to get through this stormy day, I encourage you to contact our “High Wind Expert”, Big Al.  See you tomorrow!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

We’ve Been Boon-Googled!

Google has apologized for a newly revealed privacy violation.  People have already complained about being photographed and having their homes and cars exposed to criminals on “Google Street View”.  But Google admitted that the cars they use to get the “Street View” in various nations had scanners that picked up wireless networks in passing homes and recorded websites, private e-mail addresses and passwords.  After admitting they stored the info, Google apologized, claimed it was done by mistake and promised to erase the info as soon as they get the O.K. from each nation’s government.

Right… I’m sure Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has absolutely no interest in what people in his country are looking up on the Internet.

It’s not really a problem here in America since the government already has our personal information on file. 

The most interesting info to surface was that Hugo Chavez is a huge fan of DWTS!

So this now explains the vehicle that keeps driving by my house with the sign on the side that says, “Google Street View Truck”. 

But Neither Side Wants To See Brett Favre’s Private Parts 

Turns out that Democrats and Republicans differ on more than politics.  A new survey shows they don’t even like the same name brand products.  The #1 favored brand of Democrats is Google; for Republicans it’s Fox News.  The two companies didn’t even make the other party’s top 10.  Also of note:  Republicans like Aflac Insurance while Democrats prefer Progressive. 

—The Republicans like Aflac because they want to hunt down the duck, and the Dems like anything that says it’s “Progressive”.

There are a few things that both parties like, including Fed Ex, UPS, Craftsman Tools, Cheerios and the History Channel. 

— Libertarians in the survey opted for “Fruit Loops”. 

— Incumbents from both parties like “The History Channel” because, come the beginning of November, a lot of them are going to be on it.

How Many Blondes Does It Take To Hold A Rally?  

A Swiss University research team interviewed couples who’d been together for a year or two and couples who’d been married for 40 years or more.  The older couples thought they knew everything about their partner’s taste in things like food and movies, but surprisingly they scored lower than the younger couples.  Researchers theorize that as people stay together for a long time, they stop paying attention to each other and quit thinking they have to know everything their partner is thinking.  Instead, they just take it for granted that their partners’ tastes are the same as their own. 

They just figure there’s nothing left to talk about. 

For people married 40 years or more, their idea of going to the movies is watching TCM. 

After decades of marriage, women don’t have to ask their husbands what their thinking.  They just tell them and the men nod in agreement. 

 After 40 years you enter the happiest stage of marriage, know as “dementia”. 

Mouse Droppings

Being raised in a largely female environment won’t make a boy gay, but it won’t help him score chicks later in life.  At least according to a new study involving rats.  Scientists separated newborn rats into litters that were mostly male, mostly female or evenly divided.  They found that being raised with a lot of sisters didn’t change the male rats’ sexual orientation, but it did make them grow up with less butch mannerism and less masculine behaviors, and female rats were less likely to want to mate with them.

When I was growing up, my next-door-neighbor’s sister was a lot more butch than her brothers. 

Gail and I had didn’t have any sons, but with six girls in the house, our dog Panzer was a bit on the effeminate side. 

Have a great day!  We’ll see you back here Tuesday!

- Dick

"The Week That Was..."

It’s been a busy week!  Wednesday, Gail and I attended an event at “The Parade Company” - the big warehouse where they design and construct all of the Floats you’ll see in the annual Detroit Thanksgiving Day Parade down Woodward Avenue.  While I was there, I was interviewed by Channel 4’s Steve Garagiola.  (He’s the one wearing the giant foam animal head.  I’m not sure what kind of animal, exactly)  We talked about my being named the co-Grand Marshall of this year’s parade.  Just click below to watch that interview.

Then Thursday, yes THURSDAY night (I can do these things now that I retired) Gail and I, along with Big Al and his girlfriend Claudia… I mean his wife Debbie, went to see Kathleen Madigan at Mark Ridley’s Comedy Castle in Royal Oak.  As always, she was fabulous… confirming my belief that she is far and away the funniest comic in the country. (With the possible exception of the U.S. Congress as a whole).  Below are some pictures of us after the show.  If you want to see Kathleen - she’s in town through Saturday night - call the Comedy Castle at (248) 542-9900 or go to comedycastle.com

(Thanks so much to Carolanne McClelland for the photos!)

NOTE:  Big Al told me last night that he’s recently dropped 15 pounds… That must be why he didn’t have to wear his underpants-extender!  You be the judge! (No comments about my belly please!)

Have a great Autumn weekend and we’ll see you back here on Monday!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Where Will The People Going, Go?  

Jon Stewart’s “Rally to Restore Sanity” and Stephen Colbert’s “March to Keep Fear Alive” will be both be held on October 30th on the Washington Mall.  But the crowds may not be too happy when they discover that there will be no bathrooms.  It turns out the Marine Corps. Marathon is also that week and all the 800 port-a-potties have been and will continue to be locked up until their race the next day.  

Why not just use the sidewalks like they do in New York City?

President Obama should just open the White House to the public, just like Abe Lincoln used to do.   

Hey the Woodward Dream Cruise handles it with over a million people attending every year. Maybe they should just call “Scotty’s Potties”.  

***  Click below to hear Big Al playing maitre d at a bank of Scotty’s Potties at the WDC a few years ago!

Porta Potty report 

    Time For A Trip To The Office Supply Store…

After all the books, websites and even a big budget movie about the world ending in 2012 according to the Mayan calender, a new text book says there has been a mistake.  The book argues that the formula used to convert dates from the Mayan to the modern calendar was wrong.  It could be off by as much as 50 to 100 years.    

Good news!  So now we have an extra 50 to 100 years to worry about global warming!  And Islamic terrorism… And the Chinese…  etc., etc., etc.,

The “Eyes” Have It!

Matt Gone of Oregon is running out of space for tattoos on his body.  98% is already covered, even his tongue, so now he’s injecting tattoo ink into his eyeballs. Gone says, “which is about as far as you can go”.  He said, “I’m not crazy.  I’m trained.  I have a lot of experience.”

I’m not trained as a Psychiatrist, but I’m thinking this guy IS crazy!  

He was gonna go with a pair of those colored contact lenses, but he decided that was just too crazy.

More Tattoo News…

Police in Florida arrested 19-year-old Joseph Eric Williams.  He’s been stealing iPhones out of 15 AT&T stores over the past 15 months.  The cop said he was fairly easy to track down due to an identifying mark:  He has the words, “I’m Me” tattooed across his forehead.

“I’m Me”… and he should add, “I’m With Stupid”. 

Today’s Almanac

On this date in 1879 Thomas Edison successfully made the first incandescent lightbulb.  On the same day in 1992, Madonnas “Sex” book was released.

Little did Thomas Edison know that years later, his invention would allow us to peruse her book long after the sun had gone down.  

btw…

Congratulations to my daughter JoAnne who has just been promoted to the anchor position on the noon and 5p.m. Channel 7 news!  She will also continue to do her “Don’t Waste Your Money” feature!

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow for our Friday Blog…

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

“Mr. C” Goes to That Great Soda Shop in the Sky and “Mrs. B” Gets the Boot…

Just two days after the death of Barbara Billingsley, aka “June Cleaver”, Tom Bosley, best know as Ritchie Cunningham’s father on “Happy Days” has died at the age of 83.  Many consider him “America’s Favorite TV Dad”, but in a 1984 TV Guide Poll of the 50 Greatest TV Fathers of all time, “Mr. C” only came in at #9.  The top spot went to Bill Cosby’s “Cliff Huxtable”.

Ralph Malph and Potsie were so mad they sent TV Guide a note telling them to “Sit on It!”

Joanie and Chachi (who have since divorced) had no comment. 

Henry Winkler, aka “The Fonz” had planned on attending the funeral, but he fell off his motorcycle and broke his hip. 

On The Other Side Of The Showbiz Sod…

Florence Henderson, known to millions as “Mrs. Brady” from the “Brady Bunch” was voted off Dancing With The Stars last night.  She got her highest score of the season on Monday night’s episode, but it just wasn’t enough. 

You’d have thought all those years working with Robert Reed would have made her a better dancer! 

NOTE:  You may remember that Reed, aka “Mr. Brady” came out of the casket… I mean Closet… after his death. 

And You Thought Being Bi-Sexual Was Confusing… 

Tuesday, the California judge who ordered the military to stop enforcing the “Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell” ban on openly gay soldiers refused to stay her order pending an appeal.  So the Pentagon began telling recruiters to accept openly gay applicants.  However, they’re supposed to warn gay enlistees that “don’t ask/don’t tell” might be reinstated at any time.  It’s not clear what that would mean for people who were openly gay when they enlisted.  It’s so confusing that even gay rights activists are advising enlistees not to tell recruiters they’re gay because it might come back to haunt them.  

Or bite ‘em on the butt.  

This has been going on for so long I don’t even remember what it is you’re not supposed to ask, let alone what you shouldn’t tell. 

Why not just have all the gays join the Marines?  They’re always advertising that they’re “Looking for a few good men”.

I think Gay men would end up being some of the most “Decorated” soldiers in their unit!

“You May Now Kiss The Brides!”

Axhar Haidri of Pakistan was in a quandry because his family had long ago promised him in marriage to one girl, but he grew up and fell in love with another.  But he hit on the perfect solution:  he proposed to both and married them 24 hours apart.  One of the brides said they’re happy they love the same man and plan to live as sisters and friends.  Pakistani law allows men to have up to four wives, but they usually marry them over a period of years.

So the two brides love the same man and plan to live as friends… This guy is the Hugh Hefner of Pakistan.

The girls are said to be so close they’re even going to share burkas! 

If Larry King had known about this Four Wives at a time rule, he’d have moved to Karachi years ago. 

I heard he fell in love with Bride #2 after he saw her on an episode of “Pimp my Camel”. 

Good Times, Good Times!

If you’re a woman who wants a favor from a man, wait until dinnertime to ask for it.  According to a new poll, most people are aware of the regular peaks and valleys in their moods and six at night turned out to be the time when a man was most likely to go along with a woman’s wishes.  3pm is the time when a woman is most likely to win an argument with a man.  And the best time to ask your boss for a raise is at 1pm – right after lunch. 

Especially if you spent your lunch hour having sex with him. 

Of course the “best time to ask for a promotion” only applies to people who HAVE JOBS. 

So if you’re a guy, you can get a promotion at one, lose an argument with your wife at three and agree to buy new living room furniture at 6.  Which is, of course, why you need the promotion in the first place!

Apparently, as of today, there is NO good time to “ask” in the Military.

Another Reason Not To Text “On The Go” 

A man in Jiangsu, China, got his arm hopelessly stuck in a public toilet after he dropped his cell phone in the bowl and tried to retrieve it.  Rescue workers arrived at the bathroom stall to find him with his entire arm submerged up to the shoulder.  They had to break the bowl with crowbars, and hammer the pipes loose until the man could slowly extract his cut and bruised arm.  He was still gripping the phone. 

I can see the ad now… “Arm stuck in a public toilet?  There’s an App for that!”

Apple is considering coming out with a waterproof product just for this type of situation.  It’s called the “iPeed iPhone”.

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1964, the Rolling Stones played their first show in Paris.  Afterwards, hundreds of fans rioted in the streets and broke windows in the theater. 

Ironically, those very same people are doing it again today… over the government’s proposed plans to raise the retirement age from 60 to 62. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick  

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

What Happened To Separation of Church & Animation?

The Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano has declared Homer Simpson to be a true Catholic.  Despite the fact that Homer snores through the sermons of his Protestant minister, the paper says “The Simpsons” is one of the few shows that regularly addresses religion, and the family prays before meals and believes in the Afterlife.  The paper declared, “Few people know it, and he does everything he can to hide it, but it is true: Homer J. Simpson is a Catholic.”

Homer released a brief statement today saying that he would, quote, “agree to be a Catholic but only if the Church would switch the “Wine” with “Beer”.

Now that Homer is officially a Catholic, the Vatican is counting on him to donate a lot “Doh!”

Chile Chile Bling Bling…

 Yonni Barrios, the Chilean miner who had both a wife and mistress waiting for him when he was rescued, could make more money than he’s ever seen, thanks to his infidelity.  AshleyMadison.com, the website that helps married people arrange affairs, reportedly offered Barrios $100,000 to be their Spanish language spokesperson.  One problem: the offer is only good if he stays married.

Oh, come on, that’s just a “miner” problem.  (Sorry)

Yonni said if he does get the $100,000, the first thing he’ll do is build himself a nice “man cave”.

Yonni stay married?  What, and cheat on his mistress? 

Door-to-Door Dumbness

Residents of Murrells Inlet, South Carolina, say they were stunned last week, when a man began going around the neighborhood at 10 p.m., trying to sell marijuana and crack door-to-door.  25-year-old Eric Godbolt was arrested after one neighbor suggested that he try a particular house, which turned out to be the home of an off-duty cop. 

Eric admits it was stupid to sell pot door-to-door.  Next time he’ll sell something more respectable – like Sub-Prime Mortgages.

Until Eric was caught, he also had a very successful paper route… “Rolling” papers” that is.

One Old Man Is About To Get the Book thrown At Him!

Herbert Johnson of Stuart, Florida, has been banned from all libraries in the county because he allegedly won’t quit sexually harassing the librarians.  One librarian accused him of making unwanted advances, and another said he left her inappropriate gifts and letters, including a letter “containing sexually explicit language.”  Johnson is 92.  

Poor old Herbert.  He’s now been regulated to harassing women at Used Book stores. 

At 92, Herbert needs to find a more respectable outlet for his urges…like searching the Web for porn.

Wait To Your Father Gets Home!

The highest court in the mid-eastern nation of the United Arab Emirates has ruled that a man can beat his wife and young children, as long as it leaves no physical marks.

So now covering their women up with burkas is finally starting to make sense to me.

Something tells me that the men of the UAE are going to have a tough time living with these new, tough standards.

A Game To “Monopolize” Your Time and Your Wallet…

The Museum of American Finance on Wall Street is displaying a Monopoly game made of 18 karat gold.  The real estate properties on the board are inset with 165 gemstones.  It was created by a jeweler in 1988, when the price of gold was under $500 an ounce.  It’s now over $1300 an ounce, so the Monopoly set is valued at roughly $2 million.

Since the game is being displayed in a “Wall Street” museum, they’ve added extra “Get Out Of Jail” cards.

Not to worry, if the price of the game drops below $2 million dollars, the government will bail it out.

Maybe its time for me to get my game of “Twister” reappraised.

What Would Jesus Build?

The small town of Swiebodzin, Poland, is building the world’s biggest statue of Jesus.  It will be 108 feet (33 meters) tall.  Add in the platform He stands on and His two-meter crown of thorns, and it totals 129 feet (39 meters), dwarfing the current world record-holder, the 98-foot (30 meter) statue of Jesus in Brazil.  The official reason for building it is to show gratitude to God, but a local official said they also hope the giant Jesus will attract tourists.  He said if they’d opened a golf course or race track, tourists would just come for the season, but this should attract them year-‘round.    

You get a free round of golf if you can hit your golf ball in Jesus’ mouth.  (Note to readers:  Please, no e-mails!)

Hmmm, maybe we could draw more tourists to Detroit year-‘round if we built a golf course and racetrack around the Joe Louis Fist.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has announced he’s going to build an even bigger statue of Jesus…in the shape of a nuclear warhead!

CPR That’s F-U-N!

Health officials issued new guidelines for giving people CPR that reverse the old standards: they now say to work on the chest first, and then press your lips to the other person’s mouth.

Good news for us guys!  We’ve been practicing this procedure since we were able to walk upright.

The problem is teaching men when to stop working on the chest.

In related news…Big Al is happy to announce that he’s now dating a beautiful CPR test dummy.

This Day in History

On this day in 1938, Buddy Ebsen was hospitalized after being made seriously ill by his makeup in “The Wizard Of Oz.”  He was replaced by Jack Haley as the Tin Woodsman.

The good news is, Ebsen sued and made enough money to buy a mansion in Beverly Hills with a ce-ment pond.

That’s all for now.  I’m off to look for some Texas Tea, Black Gold, Oil that is!  See ya back here tomorrow!

Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

“America’s Mom”, Barbara Billingsley, who played June Cleaver on “Leave to Beaver has passed away at 94.  She told TV Guide, “I think everybody would like a family like that.  Wouldn’t it be nice if you came home from school and there was Mom standing there with her little apron and cookie’s waiting?” She also denied feminist charges that June Cleaver was a doormat.  As for why June mopped the floor in pearls and high heels, Billingsley herself suggested the pearls to make her neck look better on camera, and started wearing high heels so she would still look taller than the growing Wally and the Beav.

Plus the high heels really got Eddie Haskell hot and bothered. 

What’s the big deal?  Adam Lambert vacuums in pearls and pumps all the time and nobody bats an eye. 

PERSONAL NOTE:  I nicknamed the late, great Mark Andrews, “Doctor Mark Andrews” because he knew everything there was to know about “Leave it to Beaver”.  We used to ask people to call up and ask trivia questions about the show, and he was unstumpable!  I awarded him an doctorate in “Beav-ology”… and the rest is history! 

Thursday is Kim Kardashians 30^th birthday, and she told People magazine that she has mixed feelings about it.  Kim said, “Sometimes, I’m like, ‘Oh my God, I’m turning 30.’ And I’m freaking out.  Like, it sounds so old.  And then the other half of me is like, ‘I feel so accomplished…”

OMG! She is… like… soooo philosophical!

If having a big butt makes you “accomplished”, then half the people on the Jerry Springer show should get life-time achievement awards.

For That Warm, Fuzzy Feeling…

J. Crew is getting a lot of ridicule online over a new line of tights for young women.  They have a lacy, fawn pattern over a lighter backdrop.  But unless you’re close enough or have a hi-def monitor, the lacy patern is too light to detect and it just looks as if the model has really hairy legs.  J. Crew’s website describes the tights as “an essential ingredient in the season’s textural mash-up.”  

Whatever the hell that means! 

This is perfect if you want that European leg look! 

They should call it, “The Robin Williams Collection”. 

*** I think the picture below says it all!  What do you think?  

 

Not Tonight, Honey…

Friday, the US Food and Drug Administration approved Botox as a treatment for chronic migraine headaches. Sufferers can get Botox injections around the neck and head every 12 weeks to dull future headaches.  But the FDA says Botox hasn’t been shown to work on people who have headaches for less than 14 days out of the month.  

So this is good news for you lucky people who get Migraine headaches at least 14 days a month!

Have a great day and by the way, my favorite comedienne. the incredible Kathleen Madigan is at Mark Ridley’s Comedy Castle this Thursday thru Saturday!  (Oct. 21-23).  Go to http://www.comedycastle.com/ or call 248-542-9900 for tickets and show times!  

- Dick

"The Week That Was..."

What’s with all the local media retirements?  It’s like a train that’s running, down the tracks, out of control!  I don’t know if I started some kind of virus when I retired back in March after 45 years on the radio here in Detroit, but it seems to be “going around”.  

Erik Smith in May… after 45 years on television.

Jerry Hodak… same thing, 45 years and he handed over his Doppler in August.  

Sonny Eliot… said so long in September, after 63 years of predicting the most unpredictable weather in the country.

And now, Robbie Timmons has left Channel 7 after almost 40 years in television.  

Unbelievable.  But as they say, the only constant is change. 

*****

What a week…

America helped in the immense effort to rescue the 33 Chilean miners trapped 2000 feet underground for 69 days and something Bill O’Reilly said got two of the five women on “The View” to walk off the set!

We read in “Hello” magazine that Angelina Jolie is Hollywood’s only truly beautiful and glamorous actress working today.  That according to former “Dynasty” star, Joan Collins.  What about Lindsay Lohan?  I thought her mugshot was stunning!

Movie director James Cameron, of “Titanic” and “Avatar” fame, announced that he plans to remake the Liz Taylor/Richard Purtan, I mean Burton, epic film “Cleopatra” in 3-D — starring Angelina Jolie.  

— This will be the first version of the film where Cleopatra has a tramp-stamp.  

— Also in this remake, instead of the Romans sinking her ship, James Cameron plans to have Cleopatra’s barge hit an iceberg.  

On a side note, I’ve been watching the new season of network TV shows, and find it remarkable how many of the actors and actresses have blue eyes.  I hope this doesn’t hold back Big Al’s fledgling television career!

I’ve got a big weekend coming up…

Saturday, I’ll be preparing for Sunday’s 26.2 mile Free Press Marathon by running to and from Ann Arbor for the Michigan-Iowa game.  And on Sunday, since I’ll probably be too tired from Saturday, I’ll just do the point 2. 

Good luck to all the Michigan teams this weekend… and if you’re running in the marathon on Sunday, stay as close as you can to the guy from Kenya!

See you back here on Monday…

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

A “Chile” Reception For One Guy…

Chileans are celebrating the safe rescue of all 33 trapped miners, after they spent 69 days buried 2000 feet underground, longer than anyone else ever has, and survived.  Getting the most attention is Barrios Rojas, whose wife discovered he had a mistress when they both showed up at a vigil.  He was 23^rd out and greeted by… his mistress.  The two embraced as the cameras rolled.  Meanwhile his wife stayed home and watched it with their kids on TV.  She said, “I have a sense of decency”. 

Besides, she was too busy reading the “What To Do When He Cheats” manual by Lorena Bobbitt. 

When he came out of the hole and saw the shadow of his mistress, he went back into the hole for six more weeks. 

Hey, at least eventually, if he’s looking for a dark, out-of-the-way place to sneak off with her he knows where to go.

Not to be flip, but this guy has really dug a hole for himself.

He Should Have Just Cheated On His Taxes…

22-year-old Army soldier Greg Tracy of Georgia was caught cheating by his girlfriend.  In order to get her back, he’s agreed to complete six tasks determined by her, that prove he is worthy and has learned his lesson.  So far he’s finished five.  He’s made a timeline of the “special moments” in their relationship; called a radio station to confess on the air; given her the passwords to his email, Facebook and MySpace accounts; made a YouTube video wearing a Scooby-Doo hat and holding a sign detailing his cheating and branding himself a “dog”.  Greg says he’s learned his lesson but his girlfriend has yet to even reveal what his 6^th task will be.

How much you want to bet it involves spending some time in an abandoned mine in Chile?

At Least They Can Offer You A Cart To Help Move Your Stuff 

An investigation seems to be proving that banks and mortgage companies rushed through home foreclosures with shoddy paperwork.  Apparently some of the “foreclosure experts” hired to make decisions were actually former assembly line workers, hairstylists and ex-Walmart clerks with no experience.  They reportedly didn’t even know the meaning of such terms as lien, promissory note or affidavit, or even what a mortgage was. 

The guilty banks should have been honest and advertised with the slogan, “Trust Your Home Mortgage Nest To The Man In The Walmart Vest!”

A “Streak” of Bad Luck??? 

It was revealed that Juan Rodriguez is the guy who streaked naked in front of President Obama to collect a $1 million prize for the prank from flamboyant Internet billionaire, Alki David.  But the joke may be on him.  David changing the rules:  even thought the streak was recorded by hundreds of cameras, he won’t pay unless Obama personally verifies that he saw it.  But the White House is refusing to comment and experts say they probably never will.

Is it just me or do you feel an “Internet Billionaire and Fat Naked Guy Beer Summit” coming on? 

The President saw the guy… but it happened so fast he thought it was Joe Biden. 

Somebody Needs To Prune Their Family Tree…   

Genealogy researchers at Ancestry.com looked up some famous people’s family trees with interesting results.  Among them:  President Obama and George W. Bush are 11^th cousins and Obama is a 10^th cousin of Sarah Palin through a common ancestor from Provo, Utah, named John Smith.  Here’s the capper:  Rush Limbaugh is the President’s 10^th cousin, once removed. 

They found the Obama/Limbaugh connection on an old sheet of “Ditto” paper.

Researchers also discovered that when George W. Bush was conceived, his father hung a huge banner on his house reading, “Mission Accomplished”.

Bush and Obama are allegedly planning to spend this Thanksgiving together… Bush will get the right wing and Obama will get the left wing. 

I’ll bet President Obama would rather be related to the fat naked guy who streaked at that rally.

“Another Pleasant Valley Sunday” 

A man in Niceville, Florida was arrested after five male friends came to his house to watch a football game.  They had a few too many and wouldn’t quiet down, then attacked him when he asked them to go home.  He finally fetched his gun and fired a shot into the air to make them leave.

If this is what happens in “Niceville”, I can’t imagine what they do in nearby “Mean Town”!

So I guess all those times we saw Saddam Hussein standing on the Palace balcony shooting his gun in the air, he was just trying to get his friends to go home. 

“Our Dog Had Kibbles AND Bits!” 

A Dog Shelter in England is having a hard time finding a home for a unique bull terrier named Georgie.  Georgie was born a hermaphrodite – in other words had both male and female sex organs.  Vets operated to remove the male organs and turn him/her into a bitch.  Prospective owners seem to like her at first but are then repulsed when they learn about her condition.  The shelter is hoping to find a special person who can fall in love with Georgie and not be put off by her sexuality. 

Maybe they should implement a “Don’t Ask.  Don’t Bark” policy.

It doesn’t matter what sex she is… she’s still gonna drag her butt across the carpet. 

Talk About Budget CUTS! 

Greece’s largest government health insurance provider has announced that it will no longer pay for special footwear for diabetes patients.  Why?  They say amputating their feet is cheaper. 

This does not bode well for Greek men suffering from Erectile Dysfunction. 

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Another day… Another retirement! 

Good luck to Red Wing Kirk Maltby who announced he’s hanging up his jersey after 14 seasons in Detroit. We’ll miss him, but it’s good news for his wife – She won’t have to climb into bed with a guy with cold feet every night!

A Major Victory For the Miners!

And before we get to the lighter news of the day, it’s impossible not to mention those incredibly brave Chilean miners!  As I write this, 15 of the 33 men who have been trapped more than 2000 feet underground for 69 days have been successfully brought to the surface.  Keep your fingers crossed!

“The Sea Of People Was Angry My Friend”

An ABC News/Yahoo poll finds that as midterm election day nears, the number one word Americans pick to describe their mood is “angry”.  People across all income groups are angry about everything the government’s done, but especially the economy:  85% are mad or at least dissatisfied with that.  They don’t like Republicans but are furious with Democrats.  One North Carolina voter – a registered Democrat - said, “I’m very angry. My wife is angry.  We’re an angry household here.” 

Maybe they just plain hate each other! 

People would be leaning out of their windows yelling “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore” except they don’t have any windows because they had to move out when their house was foreclosed. 

President Obama promised to bring both sides together and he has!  EVERYONE’S mad!

You Can’t Beat These Eggs! 

The Journal Fertility reports that an unnamed woman has given birth to a baby boy from a donated embryo that had been frozen since 1990.  That’s a record 20 years on ice!  Somewhere, the baby has a sibling who was conceived at the same time but is 20 years older. 

Two words:  Jerry Springer!

The baby has ten fingers, ten toes… and just a touch of freezer burn on his nose.

I hope this kid likes hand-me-downs!

I’ll Have the “Fillet ‘O Friend” 

Robert Matsuura and Peter Lee were teammates in a college fishing championship Saturday in California when Lee attempted to cast and ended up embedding a lure in the back of Matsuura’s skull.  The lure had five hooks in all, two of which were stuck deep in Matsurra’s skin.  They were about to head to the ER when another fisherman suggested they cut the line and continue.  So Matsurra took some Tylenol for the pain and kept fishing for 10 more hours.  Their catch came in first by two ounces, and they won the $50 thousand first prize.

Tylenol is amazing!  Especially when you wash it down with a couple six-packs.

The two plan to spend the prize money on hooke… ah, helmets.   

I thought it was a really nice gesture that when the hooks were finally removed, Lee threw Matsuura back in the water.

Not Even A Bridal Shower?  

A court in Egypt has granted a woman a divorce because her husband refused to bathe, claiming he was allergic to water.  A doctor confirmed his allergy but said that shouldn’t prevent him from other methods of maintaining hygiene. 

On the bright side, they did save a lot of money on their water bill.

Even the family camel refused to hang out with this guy.

Some Dogs are Really “Down”, Boy.   

If your dog destroys your furniture while you’re away, he might be a pessimist!  Dogs were tested by setting down food dishes and found that some assumed they had food in them and happily ran to them, while others were doubtful and held back.  Then they observed the dogs when they were left alone.  The dogs that were optimistic about food being in the dishes were fine, assuming their masters would return soon.  But the pessimist dogs that assumed the dish was empty, seemed worried and upset to be alone and were more likely to chew up the furniture. 

My former dog, Mr. Muckle, was a half-optomist/half-pessimist dog.  He didn’t eat the furniture, he just peed on it. 

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall…

Joan Collins complained to Hello magazine that there are no beautiful actresses anymore, and the public is “starved” for gorgeous people.  She said stars like Audrey Hepburn and Grace Kelly always looked glamorous, but today’s actresses think that being well groomed detracts from them being taken seriously.  The former “Dynasty” star added that today “there’s Angelina Jolie and there’s… Angelina Jolie”. 

Now I get it!  The cast of “Jersey Shore” look disgusting because they want to be taken seriously! 

They say “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”, and when it comes to Angelina Jolie, most guys would definitely like to “hold her”.

*** Any suggestions for current actresses you think are beautiful?  Just hit the comment button above or click on the Facebook icon and post your nomination there!

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1974, legendary TV host Ed Sullivan died. 

And, of course, Ed was buried in a really big shoe!

Unfortunately his casket was dropped during the funeral.  They never should have hired those Chinese Plate Spinners as pallbearers.  

Have a great day!  Back tomorrow!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

But What Do You REALLY Think?  

A USA Today/Gallup Poll asked 981 Americans what word or phrase they would use to describe the federal government.  Number one were variations on the phrase “too big” including “too costly”, “out of control”, “huge”, “intrusive” and “bloated”.  Coming in second were various forms of “corrupt and evil”.  Third place went to synonyms for “confusing”. There were also several uses of the word “suck” including, “it sucks”, “they suck” and “sucky”. One person chose “constipated”.  

Coming in 4th and 5th were “#@!*$>!” and “extremely #!$@%&*!”, respectively.  

There’s A Flag On The Play!

Brett Favre has apologized to his teammates for the “distraction” caused by an NFL investigation into phone messages and photos of the Vikings Quarterback that have been circulating on the internet.  They are supposedly from Favre when he was with the Jets, propositioning then Jet’s sideline reporter and Maxim model Jenn Sterger.  The pictures he allegedly sent her are of his “second-string quarterback” (if you know what I mean). The photos haven’t been positively ID’ed, but the NY Post interviewed a masseuse who claims Favre used the same come-ons with her.  

Look for Favre to announce that he is retiring from harassing women in New York, but will then change his mind and start harassing women in another city next season.  

The NFL plans to huddle and decide what to do. 

Hey… a man can only slap a guy on the butt so many times before he starts looking for some action with the ladies.

Favre maybe forced to retire now… but he’ll probably be playing with “the old pigskin” for many years to come! 

Leggo My Ego! 

French Prime Minister Christine Lagarde risked controversy by asserting that women make better politicians than men.  She said that men’s ego, testosterone and sex drive make them prone to humiliating people and taking decisions personally, while most women in power aren’t  ruled by their libidos or egos and are better able to cut deals, communicate, and convince people to work with them.  She was diplomatic enough not to point out the time time French President Sarkozy allegedly kept Queen Elizabeth waiting while he had sex with his wife, model Carla Bruni. 

Queen Elizabeth supported the theory, saying she’s never made a political leader wait so she could have sex. Although she did admit she was late for a few appointments due to being stuck on the throne. 

Prince Charles admitted that he once kept an unidentified ambassador waiting while he had Camilla groomed and re-shoed.  

You Want Me To Pin the Tail On the What???

Jessica Webber of Oregon is suing the Markum Inn hotel for sexual harassment among other things.  She claims she was forced to quit her job after the husband and wife owners subjected her to some rather bizarre behavior.  At one point, Jessica, and her fellow female employees were asked to rate the private parts of a male stripper for an upcoming bridal shower.  But before he showed up, the male owner stripped to a throng, did lap dances, then took off the thong and danced naked in front of the group.  Jessica says she left after employees were asked to play a game of “ring toss” on him. 

NOTE:  Guys, if you’re ever a participant in this type of “ring toss” and the game last more than hours, go directly to the hospital.  

She’s just lucky she got out before they started doing the Hokey Pokey! You know… “You put your right hand in, you put you’re right hand out, you put your right hand in… and you shake it all about!”

“The Spy Who Loved Me… And Every Other Tom, Dick Or Achmed”

Good news for female Jewish spies: It’s NOT a sin to have sex on the job. In a study called “Illicit Sex for the Sake of National Security”, Israeli Rabbi Ari Schvat gave his official blessing to female spies who need to have sex as part of sting missions to trap terrorists.  He cited several Biblical precedents, including the Jewish Queen Ester who slept with the Persian King to save her people back in 500 B.C.  

LITTLE KNOWN FACT:  Afterward, Queen Ester told an aide that after the relationship was consumated, the Persian King just, “laid there like a rug”.  

In an effort to make the female Israeli spies more seductive to terrorists, the government is now teaching a class entitled:  “How to Complete a Successful Gaza Strip-Tease”.

So apparently, the Israelis and Palestinians are sharing more territory than we thought. 

“Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are!”

Monday was “National Coming Out Day”, when gay people are encouraged to come out of the closet. Coincidentally, it was also the day that George Michael got of prison after serving a month for driving while high.  George says he’s ready for a new beginning, and declared, “I just want to start again”.

I’ll be curious to know whether or not George ends up with a man in a yellow hat.  

It was an emotionally moment as George was released.  He kept yelling, “‘C’mon Warden!  Let me stay just one more night!”

I’ll never forget the day day Elton John came out of the closet. Of course, in his case it was a really huge walk-in closet.  

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Turns Out His Wife Was Flat and the Earth Was Round!

Happy Columbus Day!  Although Tuesday marks the actual date that Christopher “discovered” the new world, we celebrate it on Monday because lets face it, it’s more important for government employees to have a three day weekend than to be historically accurate! 

And speaking of weekends… WHAT’S UP WITH THE LIONS?  In case you missed it, they decimated the Rams 44 to 6!  Yes… you read me right!  THE LIONS WON!  BIG!  I haven’t been that surprised since the one day back in 1985 when Art Van WASN’T having the Biggest Sale in their History! 

While we’re on the topic of furniture… I don’t know if they burned any couches in East Lansing over the weekend but the Spartans were hot.  It’s rough in my house – five of my six daughters went to MSU and one, Jackie, went to U of M.  Thus every time the phone rang during the game I had to check my caller ID to know if I should sound excited or depressed! 

Don’t “Fall” For This One... 

There was a huge story floating around this weekend that this October has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays – an event that reportedly would not occur again for another 823 years.  I did a little Googling and found out that it’s not true.  If you do the mathematical calculations (which I didn’t, but luckily someone else did) it turns out that the “3 Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays in October Phenomenon” actually happens about every six years.  The 823-year thing only applies to Lions lop-sided victories. 

And now a few other things going on…

Appearing Before the Commander-With-No-Briefs 

President Obama spoke at a rally for Democrats in Philadelphia Sunday.  At one point during his speech a stark naked overweight man hurled a paperback book at him, narrowly missing his head.  He was quickly arrested and one police officer held a “Vote 2010” sign over the man’s privates to shield him from the crowd. 

Ironically, the book was called “How to Throw a Book and Hit the President in The Head For Dummies”. 

So basically the cop used a “Vote 2010” sign to cover the man’s hanging chad. 

Something tells me this guy is about to have the book thrown at HIM.

He was just going to throw one of his shoes, like that guy in Iraq threw at President Bush, but he wasn’t wearing any. 

What You Are About To See Is An Actual Re-Enactment…

The Atlantic magazine is claiming that Ohio Republican House Candidate Rich Iott spends his weekends dressed in a Nazi uniform.  The article raises questions about whether he’s obsessed with Nazis and what that means.  Actually, it means he plays a German soldier for a historical society that reenacts Work War II battles.  He’s also played a WW II U.S. infantryman, a WWI doughboy and a Civil War Union soldier. 

Now Democrats won’t vote for him because he played a Nazi, and Republicans won’t vote for him because he’s an actor. 

Turns out he bought the Nazi uniform on “E-Bay” from a young, freckled redheaded guy identified only as “Prince H. of England”.

Big Al spends his weekends taking part in “culinary reenactments”… He plays the Pillsbury Doughboy. 

They Did Say “I Do”! 

Sunday was a huge day for weddings.  Why?  The date.  It was 10/10/10.  32,000 couples in America chose it as their wedding day, compared to only 5000 that were married on October 10^th of 2009.  The date only comes around once a century.  The only similar dates in this century come next November on 11/11/11, then the following year on 12/12/12. 

No one will ever forget that they got married on 10/10/10… except for the grooms of course. 

10/10/10 also happens to be Kate Moss’s measurements. 

OMG!

AOL’s Stylist blog reports that Justin Beiber has inked a deal to market his own line of fingernail polishes for his ‘tween girl fans.  The colors are all named after his songs, like “Prized Possession Purple” and “Me + Blue”.  The collection is called “One Less Lonely Girl” after Beiber’s song of that name and will be in available at Wal-Mart in time for Christmas.

You’ll find it right next the “Adam Lambert Guyliner Collection”.

Leave it to Beiber to come up with such a great marketing idea!

Now you can get stretch pants, Justin Beiber nail polish, alcohol and firearms all in one place!  PARTY!

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1968, the first manned Apollo mission into space, Apollo 7, was launched.  On the same date in 1975, Bill Clinton married Hillary Rodham.  

So today, we honor men who dared to go to cold, scary places where no men had gone before. 

Ironically, neither the astronauts nor Hillary ended up “going to the moon”.

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

Go Green, Go White and Go Blue! But First, Someone Who wants to Pay the Rock Group Weezer Just To Plain Go Away!

Hi Big Al here!  Yes, the same Big Al who appeared for :14 seconds on an episode of “Detroit 1-8-7” a couple of Tuesdays ago.  But hey, it’s not about ME today!…  

By popular demand (actually, nobody demanded it, we just thought it was a good idea), and as promised, we now present an encore presentation of “Good Morning Ferndale” with our friend, the Dean of Ferndale broadcasters – Howard Binkpaltonakowski.  Several years ago Howard interviewed Eric Jordan, one of our brightest and best interns, regarding the rock group Weezer.  Well, Weezer is back in the news!

Former Weezer fan James Burns has started an online fundraiser at ThePoint.com to raise $10 million to pay the indie rockers to break up.  He claims that Weezer hasn’t made a good album since their second and he’s not going to take it anymore!  James pleads:  “I beg you, Weezer, take our money and disappear.” 

Weezer drummer Patrick Wilson said if he’ll make it $20 million, “we’ll do the deluxe breakup.”  But so far, the site’s raised only $194.  

Frankly, I think people would rather donate their money to a really worthwhile cause, like paying Lady GaGa not to make any more records.  

And why donate to this cause when the Village People are still out there singing somewhere? 

To be honest, we’re STILL WEEZER FANS!  And after this walk down Memory Lane with Howard a and his in-depth look at “Weezer”, you too will be back in the WEEZER CAMP!!!

Click below and take it away Howard…

Good Morning Ferndale and Weezer!  

THANKS HOWARD!  

And now, on to the  BIG GAME at the BIG HOUSE at 3:30 this Saturday in Ann Arbor! MICHIGAN versus MICHIGAN STATE!  And this time around there’s a lot more on the line than just some territorial pride. 

Both teams are undefeated at 5-0 and want to remain atop the Big 10 standings.  Can Kirk Cousins lead the Spartans to a third straight win over MSU’s biggest rival?  Will Wolverine’s QB Denard Robinson run through Michigan State faster than a bad burrito? Click on the fight song of your choice and get ready for some FOOTBALL!!!   (In the interest of fairness, I flipped a coin to see which fight song would be listed first.  I gave the Wolverines “heads”.  And the coin flip winner was…

Click for:

“Hail to the Victors”

Click for:

“Michigan State Fight Song”

ENJOY THE BEAUTIFUL DAY AND HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND NO MATTER WHAT SIDE OF THE FOOTBALL AISLE YOU’RE ON!

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

On Location! On Location! On Location!

Freep.com is reporting that movie stars who come to Detroit to shoot films are looking for cushy homes to stay in and some extra perks. For example, Demi Moore insisted on a place suitable to walk her dog, Hugh Jackman rented a 7 thousand sq. foot home in Franklin, while Richard Gere opted for a downtown condo. 

Justin Bieber’s only request was that his house came with bunk beds and a swingset in the backyard.

Lindsay Lohan wanted something right on the border with Canada so she could get cheaper prescription drugs.

After his appearance on “Detroit 1-8-7”, Big Al has requested a house next to Demi Moore and a pair of binoculars. 

Finally, An Answer To The Riddle… 

Former Monica Conyers aid Sam Riddle was sentenced to 37 months in prison Wednesday for his role in a public corruption scandal.  Monica is currently serving a 37-month sentence for accepting bribes in exchange for her vote in that sludge-hauling deal. 

As a matter of fact, there’s a good chance Monica is hauling sludge around “the yard” even as we speak. 

To paraphrase Winston Churchill, Sam always struck me as, “a Riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma”. 

Say It Ain’t So, Joe! 

Veep Joe Biden raised eyebrows at a fundraiser in Minnesota when he said that if one more Republican tells him about balancing the budget, “I am going to strangle them.”  He quickly added, “To the press, that’s a figure of speech”.

President Obama said if Biden says one more stupid thing, “I am going to strangle him”.  He quickly added, “To the press, that IS NOT a figure of speech.”

Speaking of the Vice Presidency…

Rumors are swirling that President Obama may switch Joe Biden to Secretary of State and make Hillary Clinton his running mate in 2012.  The White House has denied it. 

— But Hillary didn’t say anything about making Obama HER Vice-Presidential running mate in 2012. 

Of course, if Obama chooses not to run again, Hillary could run for Commander-in-Chief and make Bill her vice presidential pick… making him the “First Lad”. 

— Bill has good experience in that area, because he’s been a lot of women’s “Firsts”. 

R.I.P. C.H.I.M.P 

Charlie the Smoking Chimp has died at a zoo in South Africa.  Visitors used to toss cigarettes into his cage and he became world famous for smoking them.  Zookeepers tried to keep him from lighting up, but Charlie learned to hide the smokes. 

People would flick cigarettes to him… and Charlie would flip “something else” back at them. 

He’d collect enough for a pack, then roll them up in the hair on his upper arm. 

Charlie once passed one of his lit cigarettes to a baboon in an adjoining cage.  The baboon accidentally sat on it, which finally explains the whole red-butt thing.

His cemetery headstone reads:  “This Monkey Would Have Walked a Mile For a Camel”. 

Bottoms Up! 

A new study found that light drinking during pregnancy did no harm to babies in the long run.  Researchers followed children up to age five and found that those whose moms had one or two drinks a week during their pregnancy, showed no behavioral or intellectual difficulties. 

I guess some mom’s figure since that’s how they got that way, they might as well have a drink or two through the rest of the process. 

But by the third trimester, beer goes from “Tastes Great.  Less Filling”, to “Tastes Great.  More Filling.”

I can see the advertising campaign now… “Breast Feed Your Babies.  Bottle Feed Yourself”.    

A Variety Show-Down 

Donny Osmond’s former manager – the one who rejuvenated his career by getting him a show in Las Vegas – is threatening to write a tell-all book about him.  He claims Donny ripped him off financially and isn’t the nice guy that he’s portrayed himself as. 

I don’t about you, but I’ll be first in line for that book! 

The lawyer for the former manager plans to claim that Donny is, “A little bit country, a little bit rock ‘n roll and a little bit crooked”. 

Have a great day… and here’s a heads up:  Remember the bit we did on the air where Howard Binkpaltonakowski interviewed our then-intern about the band Weezer?  Well, Weezer is back in the headlines and we’ll have the audio of that bit right here tomorrow!  Stay tuned!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Trump on the Stump? 

An unidentified pollster took a survey in New Hampshire last week on Donald Trump’s chances of being elected President.  Trump says he didn’t pay for it, but “I hear the results are amazing,” and he’s seriously considering running as a Republican in 2012.  Trump told Fox News that what’s happening in America “is a disgrace,” and China will easily overtake us within 10 years if we don’t have a President who understands business.

And has a really great comb-over.

If Trump is elected, his Vice President will be known as “The Apprentice”.

And he’ll have the Constitution changed so our leader won’t be called the President, he’ll be called “The Donald”.

Click It For Your Ticket!

A lot of people keep pushing the idea of voting via the Internet, but security questions are raising concerns.  Last week the D.C. Board of Elections and Ethics tried a weeklong test of a “secure voting website” and challenged hackers to “give it your best shot.”  By mid-day Friday the site was shut down after hackers broke into it and made it play Michigan’s “Hail to the Victors” every time a vote was cast.

They were going to use the Ohio State Fight Song but they realized no one in Ohio is smart enough to vote on-line. 

I think we should vote on Facebook.  You just click on the “like” button for your favorite candidate and “de-friend” his or her opponent.

Ashton Kutcher thinks we should vote via Twitter.  (Apparently he has had problems in the past with his hanging chad). 

Speaking of Demi’s Boy-Toy

The above-mentioned Ashton Kutcher allegedly wants to bring back “Punk’d” – his hidden camera practical TV show – but with a twist.  New York Magazine claims he wants teen-heart throb Justin Beiber to be the host. 

Which is gonna send the all important 7-12 year old girl ratings demo through the roof!

Justin is a big fan of practical jokes… like the one his barber keeps playing on him. 

Elton John Spotted in Illinois?  

Dayanara Fernandez is suing a Hyatt Hotel in Deerfield, Illinois.  She returned to her room one night last July to find a hotel worker wearing her skirt, underwear, and high heels.  The man pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct and was fined $187 bucks.  Fernandez wants unspecified damages for, among other things, invasion of privacy and emotional distress. 

She should have clued in when, instead of a Bible, she found a copy of “Thong & Dance Man Quarterly” in her nightstand.

The emotional distress part came when she realized he looked way better in her push-up bra than she did.

The brochure did say that every room came with a spacious closet and a cross-dresser.

The hotel has changed it’s slogan to “We’ll Leave A Guy Who’s Light-In-His-Loafers On For You”.

The British Are Coming! 

A survey of women in Britain found that married women over 40 have the best sex.  The results showed that 81% of women in the 40+ group are more sexually adventurous than they were in their 20’s, 63% are more confident in bed, and 60% said they’ve had more sex since their kids moved out.

And 100% said they’ve had more sex since they’re husbands moved out.

Apparently, it’s amazing what NOT worrying about getting pregnant can do to your libido. 

I guess I was wrong. I always thought “Menopause” meant a “Pause in Men”.

Have a great Wednesday!  Enjoy the weather and we’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Follow the Bouncing Check!

Our own Congressman John Conyers had his drivers license suspended for almost a month this summer after a $139 check he used to to renew his license plates bounced.

Bail money for the Missus???

It’s not his fault really, he didn’t know that Monica had cleaned out his checking account to buy cigarettes and Ho-Ho’s from the prison commissary. 

I Don’t Want To See THAT on Mt. Rushmore…

The Naked Cowboy, the NY Times Square street performer who plays guitar and sings wearing only a cowboy hat, boots, and briefs, is running for President.  He says, “America needs a President who believes in America and will stand up for America and protect its language, its borders and most importantly, its culture”.

And when he promises “transparency” in his administration, you can believe it! 

If a certain Senator named Barbara from California runs for President we’ll have “Boxer vs. Briefs”.

This isn’t the first time we could end up with a President running around the oval office in his underwear.  Does the name Bill Clinton ring a bell? 

UPDATE:

Grumpy the Clown, the allegedly illiterate circus clown who was running for Brazil’s Parliament on the slogan “It can’t get any worse,” was not only elected, he got more votes than any other candidate in the nation. 

I can’t wait to see the secret service walking along side his tiny bulletproof limousine. 

After hearing this story our Bozo the Clown announced that he’s a write-in candidate for Michigan governor.  He believes that, “it can’t get any worse” and B-O-Z-O is easy to spell.

Girls Rule! 

Monday, the Supreme Court reconvened with three women on the bench for the first time in history.  But because new Justice Elena Kagan argued for the government on so many cases as Solicitor General, she immediately recused herself from 25 of the 51 cases and will hardly be coming in to work at all this week.

Which will give the other two women plenty of time to gossip about her hairstyle and choice of shoes. 

It’s a good thing all three of the female justices have gone through menopause or there would be one week a month where they’d automatically sync up their opinions.

Clarence Thomas was so excited to have another woman on the court, he couldn’t stop banging his gavel.

Sex & The Country 

The Journal of Sexual Medicine released a huge study of the sex habits of Americans age 14 to 94, and they’re less prudish than expected.  Among the more interesting findings:  15% of men aged 50 to 59 said they had had a sexual encounter with a man, but only 8 percent of men identify themselves as gay. 

— So basically Richard Simmons is honest, and Senator Larry Craig is lying through his teeth.

As for the “Big O”, 85% of men said their wife or girlfriend had had one, only 64% of women agreed.     

— So why are they’re so few good roles for women in Hollywood?  They’re obviously GREAT actresses. 

— Maybe the men were confused… they thought when a woman had the “Big O” it meant she watched Oprah.

Bobbing For Costumes

Halloween is just around the corner and a new list is out with this year’s top themes in adult costumes.  Witches and vampires still top the list, but characters from movies like “Alice In Wonderland” and Toy Story 3” are also big.  Basically, men want to be funny or scary and women want to be sexy. 

If you want your wife to laugh, dress up like Woody or Buzz Lightyear and promise to take her “To Infinity and Beyond”.

I’m planning on going as something rather controversial this year.  I’m wearing a giant Halloween Mosque. 

Lady Gaga has a costume planned that’s both scary and funny.  She’s going as herself.

So far sales of the Nancy Pelosi costume have been a big bust.

Necessity Is The Father of Invention

Monday, the Nobel Prize for Medicine was awarded to Robert Edwards, the man who pioneered in vitro fertilization.

He says he came up with the idea on one of the many Friday nights when he couldn’t get a date.

Have a great day!  See you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

The Show Must Go On…

If I sound kind of hoarse as you’re reading this, it’s because (da-da-da) my cold has gotten worse and turned into bronchitis. I just got back from the doctor who put me on antibiotics and ordered me to take it easy.  (Okay I added that part to get out of cleaning the garage).  I did have to cancel a trip up north to visit friends and see the fall foliage.  Instead, I’ll just stare at the trees in my backyard and wait for them to change color.  

And Now On With The News…

CBS Radio News correspondent Richard Arenstein and his wife have been arrested on charges of possession and intent to distribute marijuana.  After receiving complaints from neighbors, police arrived at their Washington D.C. home to find an 8 ft. tall cannabis plant, plus packaged pot inside. 

It just shows you that radio guys will do anything to get “higher” ratings.

An 8 foot pot plant?  And to think I couldn’t get one lousy tomato from my As Seen On TV “Topsy Turvey”.

No Ifs or Ands But One Butt

When Raymond Roberts was pulled over in Florida last week, they noticed a strong smell of marijuana in his car.  During a body search, the cops found not one, but two soft objects… well… where the sun don’t shine.  One was a bag of pot, the other a bag containing 27 rocks of crack cocaine.  He copped to the pot, but claimed the crack belonged to a friend. 

He’s claiming his “friend” is a proctologist. 

This gives a whole new meaning to the term “Butt Crack”.

The guys in prison are gonna be thrilled to hear the answer when they ask, “What are you in for?”

In an ironic twist, the story was reported by CBS News correspondent, Richard Arenstein. 

And the Grammy Goes To… 

65-year-old Elsie O’Conner of Florida was pulled over for driving erratically.  The cop said he smelled alcohol on her breath and saw two partially empty bottles of vodka on the front seat.  She failed a sobriety but said to the cop, “Come on now, I’m a grandma, can’t you do something for me since I’m not that bad?”  She then offered to take him home and make him a grilled cheese sandwich.  It didn’t work.  She was charged with DUI. 

It would have worked too if only the cop hadn’t been lactose intolerant! 

She claimed she was depressed and drinking because she had just come from an End of Life Seminar.

A Club They’re Dye-ing to Join! 

A Lithuanian company called “Ooh-la-la” is creating a vacation resort in the Maldives Islands run entirely by blondes.  Critics of the company accuse them of hypocrisy for saying they’re fighting the image of “blonde bimbos” but are actually selling sexiness and are accused of racism – or “hairism” against brunettes, redheads and gray hairs.  The company claims that applicants of all hair colors are welcome, but “once they are surrounded by all these beautiful blondes… eventually they end up going blonde, too.”

It’s gonna take the entire staff just to change one light bulb.

One of the resort workers, a “Miss Clairol” says she thinks critics are just splitting hairs.

If they lose their jobs at the resort, they can always audition for Fox News. 

Cinemax has already planned a mini-series based on the resort.  It’s called “Roots II”.

I Find That A Little Hard To Swallow 

California plastic surgeon Dr. Nicolas Chugay is offering a new weight loss device he call the Miracle Patch.  It’s much cheaper and less invasive than gastric bypass surgery.  It’s just a patch that attaches surgically to the tongue that makes eating solid food difficult and painful.  Thus the patient eats less. 

He was going to have his patients give testimonials on his TV commercials, but no one could understand what they were saying.

If something attached to your tongue limits eating, how come there are so many overweight people on Jerry Springer with pierced tongues?

Come On Over To My Space… 

 “The Social Network”, the movie about the birth of Facebook topped the box office this weekend, taking in $24 million. 

I didn’t have time to see it… I was too busy commenting on the “What do you think of the movie “The Social Network” page on Facebook.

Almost  everyone who saw the movie went to the theater alone because they don’t have any real friends.

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1535, the first complete English translation of the Bible was printed in Zurich, Switzerland. 

And for years afterwards, Swiss cheese makers accidentally referred to it as “The Wholly Book”.

Have a great day… I’m going to gargle warm salt water and we’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

"Nobody NOSE The Trouble I've Seen..."

So here it is.  October 1^st.  And I’ve got my first cold of the season.  It’s not a bad cold, just the kind where you’re a little stuffed up, an occasional little cough, and you’re head and throat have kind of a burning sensation.  I thought I was handling the whole thing pretty well, until a couple of my daughters dropped by yesterday.  I was hunkered down in my favorite chair wearing a sweater watching a Lion eat a Wildebeest on the Animal Planet Channel. 

“Are you sick, Dad?” Jackie asked. 

“He’s got a cold,” my wife Gail said with a wink to my daughters. 

“Oh, you poor thing!” Jessica chimed in. 

I couldn’t help but notice a tinge of humor in her voice. 

“What?” I said.  “What’s so funny?”

“You are.” Gail, Jackie and Jessica said in unison.  “You have a look on your face like your dying.” And that’s when it hit me:   I don’t mean to generalize, but apparently from the stories the girls starting telling about their husbands (and things we’ve all heard for years) men don’t handle minor illnesses as well as women do.  

Case in point:  Gail was literally on the verge on pneumonia a few weeks ago and still managed to keep the house running.  She took her antibiotics and a few naps, but other than that, she forged ahead.  Even with a fever, she did the laundry, cleaned the kitchen, remembered to send out a few birthday cards, kept up with the kids, talked with a woman who had just been diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer, went through the mail, and ordered flowers for her sister’s wedding anniversary. 

Now flash forward to yesterday:  I’m stuffed up and basically down for the count. 

I decided to call Big Al for a little male-moral support.  The conversation went approximately as follows:

ME:  Hey, Al.  It’s Dick.

BIG AL:  You sound stuffed up.

ME:  I’ve got a cold.

BIG AL:  Oh, man.  What a bummer! I got a cold last spring and it was awful.  I was a mess.  I felt like my head was going to explode.

ME:  You got a pretty good size melon, as it is old buddy!

BIG AL:  Yeah, I know.  People could almost see it on the long shot of me on “Detroit 1-8-7”.  You did watch the show, right? 

ME:  Al, c’mon!  This is Dick.  Your buddy.  Of course I watched the show. 

BIG AL: Whadya think?

ME:  Michael Imperioli is pretty good in that role.

BIG AL:  No… I meant, what about me?

ME:  Oooooh… Sorry to say this, Al, but I sneezed just as you were delivering your big line.

BIG AL:  So you missed my entire performance?

ME:  Well not your entire performance.  I did hear you say something, but I couldn’t make out what it was.  Look, I’d better go.  All this talking is starting to irritate my throat.

BIG AL:  Is your throat sore?

ME:  Not really… YET. 

BIG AL:  Well make sure you suck on some lozenges just in case.  And if you feel up to it, take a really long hot shower.  The steam will help clear your nose.  But the heat can make you kind of weak so be careful.

ME: I will. 

BIG AL:  Do you need me to bring you anything?  Soup?  Some magazines?

ME: No, I’ve got magazines and it’s hard to eat soup when you’re lying on the couch. 

BIG AL:  Sometimes I sit up for a few minutes to eat the soup.

ME:  Or maybe I could just use a straw. 

BIG AL:  Great idea! I never thought of that.  The important thing is that you should just take it easy and ride this thing out.

ME:  Will do.

BIG AL:  I won’t call you in case you’re sleeping.  But if you’re up to it, call me later and give me an update.

ME:  You got it.  Thanks. (CLICK)

Finally!  Someone who understood! 

I realize two things are going on right now: 

#1 – If you’re a woman, you’re thinking I’m a wimp.

#2 – If you’re a man you totally understand what I’m going through. 

We men are good at lot things including lifting heavy stuff and going to the bathroom standing up.  But when it comes to minor ailments, we’re just plain different than women.  Maybe it’s the whole giving-birth thing (let’s face it… that’s slightly more painful than the getting-your-wife-pregnant thing).

Have a great weekend and we’ll see you back here Monday morning!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

R.I.P. Tony Curtis

He died of cardiac arrest at his home in Las Vegas at the age of 85. He was married to Janet Leigh, of “Psycho” fame, and Jamie Leigh Curtis is their daughter.  Tony, Jack Lemmon and Marilyn Monroe starred in “Some Like It Hot” - which was cited by The American Film Institute as the funniest film ever made. The line he is best known for, which he took a lot of grief over, was taken from a Medieval-set movie done early in his career called “The Prince Who Was a Thief”.  The line was:  “Yonder lies the castle of my fodder”, which Tony delivered in his natural Bronx accent. 

It’s Rhyme Time!

Researcher Albert Jack has written a book called “Pop Goes The Weasel” that reveals the forgotten origins of nursery rhymes.  For instance, “Humpty Dumpty” was the name of King Charles I’s biggest cannon that was finally blown off a wall during battle, and “Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub” was inspired by a carnival peep show.  It wasn’t a gay sex show; it was originally “Three maids in a tub” but the Victorians sanitized it by making them a butcher, a baker and a candlestick maker. 

Before the show they used to announce, “If you experience a candlestick lasting longer than four hours, go immediately to the town blood-letter”. 

“Three Blind Mice” – originally titled “Twelve Blind Mice” was based on the jury in the O.J. Simpson trial.

Don’t even ask about “Wee Willie Winkie”.

McFabulous News!

A New York photographer tried to prove that McDonald’s Happy Meals are full of preservatives by leaving one on a shelf and photographing it every three days.  Over 18 weeks later, the burger and fries looked the same as they did on day one.  But scientists say that doesn’t mean it’s full of preservatives.  They say it’s just over 50% fat, which is low in moisture and prevents the food from growing mold and decaying. 

Which is great news for all you mom’s with minivans… If you’re hungry, just pick up that month-old fry on the floor of the backseat and enjoy!

So now parents can feel good about going to Mickey D’s!  You’re not filling your kids with preservatives, you’re just simply setting them on the road to obesity! 

NOTE:  This story reminded me of a YouTube video I saw a while back that takes place in a fast food burger place.  Just click and enjoy! 

CLICK HERE TO SEE VIDEO!  

Oh, Canada!

A judge in Ontario just struck down all of Canada’s laws against prostitution.  The case was brought by several ladies of the evening and a dominatrix who argued that bans on “pay for play” sex force women to work the streets exposing them to robbery and assault. The female judge agreed, although her ruling was suspended for 30 days while a Superior Court reviews the case.  One of the hookers has a celebration planned; She said, “I’m going to spank some ass”. 

THIS JUST IN:  Charlie Sheen has decided to move to Canada and re-name his TV show “Two and a Half Women”. 

If this works like Canada’s health care system, you can hire a hooker, but it will take her 6 months to show up. 

He’s Great At Tooting His Own Horn! 

One of Brazil’s most popular clowns, Francisco Silva, aka “Grumpy the Clown” is running for Parliament. His slogan is “It Can’t Be Worse Than It Is Now” – and amazingly he’s leading in the polls.  His opponents are trying to have him disqualified because he can’t read or write.

Hey… none of our Congressmen read the Health Care Bill and they’re still in office!

On the bright side, if elected he’ll save taxpayers a lot of money.  The entire parliament can ride to work with him in his tiny car.

He’s great at shaking hands, kissing babies, and pulling a really, really, long string of colored hankerchiefs out of his sleeve.

People with big red noses are nothing new in politics.  Remember Ted Kennedy?

A Job That’s To Die For!

Politico.com reports that in both Houses of Congress, it’s a long-standing practice to give a year’s salary to any member who dies.  That means that next year, Sen. Robert Byrd’s kids and grandkids will split the $193,400 he would have been paid if he hadn’t died in office at 92.

So we keep paying a deceased senator his full salary for doing nothing?  Isn’t that what we do with the LIVING senators???

You have to hand it to these men and women; they not only rig it so they’re impossible to vote out… we have to keep paying them after they die.

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1955, James Dean died in a car crash while driving his Porsche at 85 mph just two hours after getting a speeding ticket. 

On the bright side, he didn’t have to pay the fine! 

Have a great day… drive safely… and we’ll see you right back here tomorrow, the 1st day of October!

- Dick