"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Three bi-sexual mean are suing the North American Gay Amateur Athletic Alliance for discrimination.  After playing for the second-place team in the 2008 Gay Softball World Series in Seattle, they were interviewed and deemed “non-gay” by a panel of experts.  They say the ruling violates discrimination laws – and want both the ruling overturned and $75,000 each for emotional distress.

- They didn’t stand a chance… I heard the “panel of experts” included Ricky Martin, Barnie Frank, and Elton John.

- Apparently if you try to get to first base with boys and girls… you’re just not gay-enough.

- It’s not like they’re the first “switch-hitters” in the history of baseball…

Speaking of sex…

The former Little League coach for Larry King’s two young sons told In Touch magazine that he had an affair with Larry’s wife, Shawn – but Larry didn’t care because he was infatuated with her younger sister, Shannon.  Hector Penate claims Shawn gave him a BMW, among other things, and wanted to have a baby with him.  He said, “We had sex in Larry’s bed – a lot.  I had sex with Shawn while Larry was on TV.  Our sex life was real good.”

- It was “real good” because they were using Larry’s suspenders as a trapeze.

- In my book, fooling around while watching Larry King is the very definition of “bad sex”.

- Once, during one of their “frolicking sessions” they freaked out when they heard Larry say, “Helloooo!”

*****

Popular Mechanics magazine reports that inventor Bruce Lund has invented a new weapon for the Pentagon.  Lund’s “projectile” is specially designed to calculate distance and hydrogen propulsion allowing a projectile to stop, but not kill, a target.  But what’s really interesting is that Lund made his fortune as a toymaker.  Among his creations:  “Honey:  My Baby Pony” and “Tickle Me Elmo”.

- In fact, he can adjust the propulsion of a projectile to just tickle you. 

- Instead of “Bro” I can see the news footage now… “Don’t tase me, Elmo!”

- Next up:  “Bert & Ernie’s Biological Weapons… brought to you by the letters B & W”

*****

If you’re desperate for a job, Florida’s Ritz Carlton South Beach is having a hard time finding a “Tanning Butler”.  That’s right… they’re looking for a man to apply lotion to sunbathing guests.  Despite getting national attention for their ad, only three men showed up to apply for the job and all were deemed “unsuitable”.

- They’ve got one heck of a “Sun-Screen-ing Process”.

- And Big Al was so sure that the third costume he wore would work. 

- At last I found my new occupation in retirement:  Tanning Butler!  Why didn’t I think of this before? 

*****

Romance writer Danielle Steel’s former assistant Kristy Watts had been sentenced to almost three years in the slammer for embezzlement.  Watt’s, who worked part time for Steel, was paid two hundred grand a year to handle payroll and accounting – but it turns out that, among other things, she used her access to Steel’s accounts to pay herself an additional $760,000…

- On a happy note, it gave Danielle Steel an idea for a great new novel… “In The Black… In The Red… As Long As We’re in Bed”. 

- When the officers arrived to arrest Steel’s assistant… “Her bosom heaved…straining against the pearl buttons on her silken blouse.  Gasping for breath, she managed to whisper… ‘I’ve been a very bad girl officer’.  ‘I know”, he mumbled, roughly slapping the handcuffs on her delicate wrists.  ‘It’s my job to find out just how bad…’”

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Yesterday, the Supreme Court struck down a law banning videos of dogfights, pit bull attacks and other animal cruelty.  The Court found that the ban was too vague in defining “animal cruelty” and violated First Amendment free speech rights. 

- Unfortunately, this means the Lion’s games will continue to be televised.

 *****

Tuesday, Senator Tom Harkin and Congresswoman Rosa DeLauro urged the FDA to place strict limits on the amount of salt that processed food makers can put into food.  They say the American diet is too salty and cutting average salt intake from 1 ½ teaspoons a day to one teaspoon could prevent 100,000 deaths a year from heart disease and other diseases.

- They also called for workers at the Detroit Salt Mine -which lies deep below the city - to start looking for less dangerous condiments like Paprika. 

- Plus they gave the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans 5 years to significantly reduce their salt content or risk being drained by the Feds.  

- Weren’t we all just drained by the Feds last week on Tax Day?

 *****

Police in Oklahoma City arrested Sean Andrew McClendon for allegedly dropping his pants and shaking his derriere at women in two different Target stores on the same day last week.  The man, who has a history of indecent exposure charges, allegedly did it in the Garden Section.

- The guy was obviously just shopping for some “Miracle-Gro”.

- Thank goodness he didn’t do it at Home Depot… They’re slogan used to be “You Can Do It.  We Can Help”.

- On the bright side… the men’s department at the Target Store immediately announced a “Pants Half-Off Sale!”

*****

Two Thumbs Up!

A new Pew Research study found that the typical teenage girl with a cell phone sends 80 texts messages a day, the typical boy sends 30 and one in three teens sends over 100.  That’s over 3000 text messages a month making texting the most popular means of communication among young people.

- Young people… and Kwame Kilpatrick.

- OMG! LMAO! (FYI:  I had to ask Jackie’s 8 year-old son, Charlie what that means). 

*****

Queen Elizabeth II celebrates her 84^th Birthday today.

- Prince Charles, her heir-not-so-apparent said, “I think people are taking this whole ‘Long Live the Queen’ thing a bit too literally.”

*****

It’s not too late to celebrate!  Yesterday was National Marijuana Day – a “holiday” dating back to 1971.

- So pull out your Willie Nelson CD’s, rent a Woody Harrelson movie and Par-tay!

- The “Doobie Brothers” marked 39^th anniversary of the event by changing their name to “The Lipitor Guys”. 

And speaking of illegal drugs… Workers digging up the lawn at John Lennon’s old home in Surrey, England think they found his long-buried stash of LSD.  Lennon buried it after turning to transcendental meditation in 1967.  He eventually changed his mind, but couldn’t remember where he buried it. 

- Ironically, his memory loss was caused by excessive use of LSD.

- The remaining Beatles have called for the LSD to be preserved and Yoko Ono to be buried in its place. 

Kwame's Courtroom Conundrum Continues! Kilpatrick Found Guilty of Probation Violation!

Yep, Kwame is in more trouble.  Judge Groner has ruled that the former mayor violated his probation by failing to disclose some of his assets.  A sentencing date has been set  for May 20th.  So, it looks like Kwame is headed for the slammer…  but there is good news:  By having to travel back and forth between Detroit and Texas, Kwame is building up an impressive number of frequent flier miles.  

Speaking of the sentencing…Judge Groner advised Kilpatrick to get his affairs in order.  “Affairs in order?”  Yes, and with that Kwame immediately texted Christine Beatty.

New evidence has emerged that could prove that Kwame has been hiding his money by making large transfers of cash into new bank accounts in his wife’s name.  There isn’t a paper trail, but my sources say there are an extraordinary number of new toasters in the Kilpatrick’s kitchen. (You see the joke is that banks used to give out lots of toast…ah never mind.  If you have to explain it…)

And maybe it’s time to have more restitution fundraisers for Kwame.  A while back we suggested car washes, bake sales, lemonade stands…Any new suggestions?  Please click on the “Post a Comment” tab above.  Thanks! 

Oh, and here’s one final thought.  Actually a suggestion.  I say the judge should order Kwame to fly to Iceland and sit on the top of that volcano, you know, like a giant cork!  A perfect act of community service, wouldn’t you say?!               

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Air travel across Europe continues to be paralyzed after an Icelandic Volcano erupted last Wednesday, sending a huge cloud of ash miles into the air.  Thousands of flights have been cancelled… stranding countless passengers at airports around the globe.  Pictures taken from a satellite show a dramatic cloud drifting for thousands of miles across the European continent.  

- If you don’t feel like “Googling” those images, just imagine a picture taken from the top of Cheech and Chong’s tour bus.

*****

Spirit Airlines - which of course services Detroit, announced the other day that they will charge a $45 fee per CARRY-ON bag.  Well now that appears to be backfiring… Seven U.S. Senators called it ridiculous and proposed a tax on excessive baggage fees.  Now, five top U.S. carriers – including United, Delta and American have promised not to add a fee for carry on bags. 

- But just wait till you check out their new “Seatbelt Rental Fee”.

- I think passengers should be allowed to charge an “emotional baggage fee” to the guy sitting next to you who spends the entire flight telling you how his ex-wife screwed him over. 

*****

 “I Feel the Earth Move…”

Although Iran sits on several fault lines, a senior Islamic cleric says that‘s not the cause of recent earthquakes.  The real cause:  women!!  Ayatollah Kazem Sedighi claims that women who wear make-up or dress “inappropriately” inflame young mens’ desire, thus leading to extramarital affairs, which in turn cause earthquakes.

- If extramarital sex can cause seismic activity, then every city where Tiger Woods has ever played should be in ruins.

*****

Long Overdue…

If George Washington were alive today, he might face a hefty overdue library fine.  New York City’s oldest Library says one of its ledgers shows that the President took out two books in the late 1700’s – which he never returned.  Both books were due back on November 2^nd, 1789.  The entry on Washington simply lists the borrower as “President”. The Library says they don’t want to collect a fine but would like the books back. 

- One of the books is said to have “I Heart Martha” scribbled in the margin.  The other one says, “The British Suck Rocks”.

- Washington isn’t the only President to be delinquent with checked-out books.  A Library in Arkansas is still hoping Bill Clinton will return, “A First-Grader’s Guide to the Kama Sutra” and “Really Curious George” which he checked out in elementary school. 

Hey, how ya doin?! Big Al here with my first blog at DickPurtan.com!!!

First of all I want to thank the 1,000 people, give or take 985, who reacted to my message on Dick’s Facebook page on Sunday.  It’s truly heartwarming to know that, that, (brief emotional break) you still care.  So, let’s do some catching up.

Just got back from a Caribbean cruise on the world’s largest ship, the Oasis of the Seas.  It’s 4 football fields long, 8,000 passengers and crew, and an area with real trees and flowers they call Central Park!  (Without the muggers or people selling knock-off watches)  I was so elated to be on this boat that I ran to the bow and in true Leonardo DiCaprio/Titanic-style yelled:  “I’m the King of the Midnight Buffet!”

One of the cruise destinations was the island of St. Maarten, home to the famous Orient Beach where people go sans clothes, which is nice because then you don’t get sans in your shorts.  Embarrassing moment:  When I took off my clothes and was mistaken for a Beluga whale.  I still can’t believe those people dragged me back into the water.  And don’t even ask about the blowhole incident.

I’m waaaay behind on American Idol, but did catch last week’s show.  I’m really under-whelmed this year.  The talent doesn’t compare with years past.  Agree/Disagree?  Click on the “Post a Comment” tab above.  By the way, I think the girl with the dreadlocks and Janis Joplin appeal is the frontrunner. 

And finally…I’ve had at least 100 people, give or take 98, ask me what I’m doing now.  Retired?  Plus-size modeling?  Nope.  But all kidding aside, I’m networking with a lot of great people in the entertainment and business community.  I will be free-lancing as a writer and maybe even do some performing along the way.  (In other words, I haven’t been paid to do anything yet)  But rest assured I’m happy in my “post radio” life.  And of course there hasn’t been a day that goes by that I don’t thank my lucky stars that I had a chance to work with the best personality in the history of radio…Mr. Dick Purtan!  (What, did you think I was going to give up being a suck up?)  Take care and stay tuned!  All the best…Al

P.S.  To the ladies who have Facebooked asking “Hey Al, what are your wearin’?”  Sorry, but that answer will have to wait for another blog.

“Dick-tation”... (Although I’m actually typing this myself)

Well it’s been three weeks today since I said “goodbye” to radio and “hello” to a good nights sleep.  I thought I’d take a minute to fill you in on what I’ve been up to.  And fasten your seatbelts… it’s pretty exciting.

Take today for example… This morning I had an orange for breakfast.  Navel, I think.  Delicious.  Then, after finding out that our power and water would be turned off for the next six hours due to a “household repair issue” that, amazingly enough, Gail couldn’t fix – we decided to head out for some real excitement:  You guessed it – Costco.  After flashing my membership card (with a picture of me that looks like a cross between Groucho Marx and Saddam Hussein) I headed to the vitamin aisle.  Who knew Fish Oil pills came in pallets?  I guess I just never had the time to notice before. 

I casually strolled the aisles, sampling turkey sausage and 67 Grain-Crackers, not caring if I filled up so much I’d have to have a late lunch.  (“Late Lunches” used to screw up my nap, but guess what… “I don’t need no stinkin’ nap!)

After packing the car with enough paper towels to clean up the spill from the Exxon Valdez, we headed over to the bookstore.  “Maybe I’ll branch out and read a novel”, I thought to myself.  “Something different than my usual fare of history books and biographies…”

I checked out, thrilled with my purchase, “Hitler’s Favorite Knock-Knock Jokes”.  

At 3:25pm EST I treated myself to a snack – low fat granola with a pomegranate juice chaser.  (I know…I’m a wild man). 

With the power and water back on, I worked out, took a shower and now – after sending this off – Gail and I are headed out to dinner with our favorite daughter and son-in-law.  (Not Jackie)  – just kidding.  She’s in the top six, I swear.

After dinner… who knows?   It’s either “The American Idol Double Elimination Round” I DVRed on Wednesday or a special on Iwo Jima.  I’ll decide later. 

So as you can see… my life is just as exciting as ever.  Speaking of which, I want to leave you with something we used to do every Friday on the show:  The Story of The Week.

A 64-year-old British handyman, Peer Aspinall was asked to prune a sycamore tree on the grounds of a hotel in Lancashire.  Being a seasoned professional, he leaned his ladder against a branch 14 feet above the ground – and then proceeded to saw off the branch.  He was in the hospital for two weeks. 

I think I like this story so much because it reminds me of something I can see myself doing.  Which is, of course, while Gail has always forbidden me to go near ladders or prune anything. 

Have a great weekend… Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.  (Which, as you can see, pretty much leaves things wide open)

I miss you all and thanks for your many kind messages!  I appreciate them, each and every one.

Talk to you soon,  

Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

How Tweet It Is!

Google has announced that it is archiving every Tweet ever sent, all the way back to the first one in 2006, into a giant, searchable database.  Meanwhile the Library of Congress says it plans to acquire copies of all the public Tweets ever Twittered.  A spokesman said, “It boggles my mind to think what we might be able to learn about ourselves and the world around us from this wealth of data.”

- I can imagine History classes in the future… “Kids, on April 15^th, 1912 at 2:20 am the Titanic Sank claiming the lives of more than 15 hundred people.  Meanwhile on April 15^th 2010 at 2:23 pm, Lorraine Johnson of Royal Oak decided to make Lasagna for dinner”.

*****

Britain’s Daily Star claims that 24-year-old caterer Amanda Flowers of Manchester was turned into a nymphomaniac by a Nintendo Wii accident.  She says she was working out on her Wii fit board when she slipped and fell.  Now, she says that the slightest vibration – even from a cell phone or food processor makes her crazy. 

- So guys, you might want to get in line now in the game department at Wal-Mart… Sweetest Day is only seven months away. 

- On a bright note, while the woman claims she needs “romance” at least ten times a day, Larry King just happens to be on the market! 

Speaking of Larry King…

- He may loose his shirt in the divorce, but his suspenders should prevent him from losing his pants. 

*****

Pfizer Inc. might be one step closer to a Viagra for women.  A British study found that a new drug they’re testing is having the desired effect on rabbits.  They admit, however that rabbits and women are only similar up to a point. 

- On the other hand, men and rabbits are almost identical. 

- The female rabbits in the study are now living in a heavy-petting zoo.

 *****

Last night two wannabe’s got the boot on American Idol.   That followed Tuesday’s “Elvis Night”  – where everyone sang one of his hits. 

- After watching the show at a Burger King in Kalamazoo, Elvis was seen crying while furiously texting “Don’t Be Cruel” to each contestant.

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Swiss actor Dominic Deville was watching horror movies when he came up with an idea for a lucrative new career.  He rents himself out to kids parties as the  “Evil Clown”.  When a parent hires him, he starts taunting the birthday boy or girl with frightening texts, calls and letters warning them that at some point during the party he’s going to smash a cake in their faces.  He then shows up in scary make-up and actually does it.

- I think he got the idea from watching the movie “Rosemary’s Bozo”

- Correct me if I’m wrong… but I think this guy was hired to help get the Health Care Bill passed.

*****

Two men in New Hampshire are under arrest for a series of burglaries in Maine.  Turns out the men were out on probation on drug charges and were wearing electronic monitoring ankle bracelets.  A simple check of the records placed them at the scene of every robbery. 

- In their defense, the guys said they thought the ankle tethers were just “really cool 3-D tattoos. “

Speaking of criminals…

Two men escaped from a maximum security prison in Argentina and evaded 300 cops for a week by pretending to be sheep.  They reportedly stole two sheep hides complete with heads from a ranch and spent their time blending in with the herd. 

- They were almost caught a few days ago when someone spotted them having breakfast at the local Ram’s Horn. 

- If they hadn’t been sheered, who knows how long they would have been on the lamb. 

- If I were them, I’d deep six the sheep outfits before going to the slammer.  That would be baaaaad all around.

- Is it just me… or does this sound like the beginning of “Brokeback Mountain – The Sequel”?

*****

Researchers at Wayne State University studied photos of 230 major league baseball players dating back to 1952 and found that those with the widest grins and deepest laugh lines lived an average of seven years longer than their teammates with glum expressions. 

- The bad news is you end up with a ton of wrinkles.  The even worse news is you have seven more years to worry about the economy… but at least your alive. 

- Something just occurred to me… Do baseball players think about baseball during sex?  

*****

On this day in 1865, President Lincoln was shot by actor John Wilkes Booth – at the time, the biggest star in the country.  I think if Honest Abe had been around to watch the alleged “stars” on DWTS he would have shot himself.  

I'm Used to Playing Tunes in Your Car... Not Being in a Cartoon!

I came across something I thought was pretty cool and wanted to share it with you.  My thanks to the very talented cartoonist, Dan Saad for both his art and his kind words… Click the link below to see what I’m talking about!  And don’t forget to hit the “Comment” button to leave me (and Dan) your thoughts!  

http://saadcommentary.blogspot.com/2010/03/cartoon-of-week-morning-radio-in.html

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

TWO SHOWBIZ SHOCKERS…

Elizabeth Taylor-Hilton-Wilding-Todd-Fisher-Burton-Burton-Warner-Fortensky is denying rumors that she’s set to marry for the ninth time.   She told fans that she loves her manager but isn’t ready to wed again –making the announcement via Twitter. 

- Personally, I think she’s “twittered” enough. 

And Tony Dow, who played Wally on “Leave It To Beaver”, turns 65 today…

- I’ve heard rumors that he’s going to star in a remake of the show called “You Can Leave It To Beaver, But At His Age He Won’t Remember Where He Left It”. 

 *****

New research shows that the sexes have weathered the recession quite differently.  A British study found that men tend to invest in stocks and bonds and as a result have taken quite a hit in the last few years.  Women on the other hand, saw a need and started their own businesses.  Take Sarah Tremellen, whose pregnancy made her breasts balloon to a G-Cup.  Unable to find bras that fit, she started Bravissimo lingerie as a mail order firm.  She now employs 350 people, selling sexy lingerie to women up to breast size 40JJ.

- Wow!  Talk about your double-digit inflation. 

- Being a man, I did the stocks and bonds thing and lost big.  Now who’s the boob? 

 ***** 

The makers of the auto device I-kube studied accident records to discover the most dangerous foods to eat while driving.  They found that one in 20 drivers had crashed or had a near miss while eating or drinking at the wheel.  According to the data, most accidents occurred while drivers were attempting to eat a bag of chips.

- I’ll admit I had a near miss eating behind the wheel.  And from that day to this I’ve never had French Onion Soup while driving again. 

- Big Al was recently involved in a car accident while eating.  The bad news is – his airbag didn’t deploy.  The good news is Al’s bag of Cheese Puffs cushioned the impact. 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Coroner Pronounces Self Dead

Meinhardt Raabe, the Munchkin coroner from “The Wizard of Oz”  is really, most sincerely dead… at the age of 94. 

- He’s one of the only people in history to live both a short and long life. 

*****

A German woman has a good excuse after she was arrested on suspicion of trying to smuggle her dead husband onto a plane in Liverpool by putting sunglasses on him and pushing him in a wheelchair. Gitta Jarant told the Bild newspaper that she didn’t know her 91-year-old husband was dead. She claims he was alive when they got there. But all of a sudden, his fingernails turned blue and he looked like a wax figure. She said, “At home, he was still warm - I swear!”

 - The passenger sitting next to her dead husband wasn’t too unhappy…he finally got to sit next to a passenger who didn’t talk his ear off through a whole flight!

 - Gitta actually got away with it, that is until a flight attendant got suspicious when she asked for help stuffing her husband into an overhead compartment.

*****

 After all the hoopla about his return to the Masters, Tiger Woods played great, but came in fourth, losing to Phil Mickelson. Tiger had vowed to contain his temper, but he threw a club after one bad shot and was caught cursing by an open mic after another. Asked about his surly mood, Woods tersely told CBS, “It’s not what I wanted…As the week went on, I kept hitting the ball worse.”

 - Tiger’s wife Elin did not attend the Masters. She was busy meeting with a German woman named Gitta who was teaching her how to smuggle a dead husband onto an airplane.

*****

Speaking of guys who like to play “a round”…David Letterman turns 63 today…

 - David’s wife had no comment…She was busy meeting with a German woman named Gitta who was teaching her how to smuggle a dead husband onto an airplane.

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

A poll by the British magazine Radio Times showed just how different men and women are.  Asked to pick the greatest female film roles of all time, men ranked Ursula Andress in her white bikini in “Dr. No” as #1, followed by Sigourney Weaver in her underwear in “Aliens” and Carrie Fisher in the gold bikini in “Star Wars.”  For their #1, British women picked Audrey Hepburn in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s,” followed by Julie Andrews in “The Sound of Music,” and at #3, Julie Andrews again in “Mary Poppins”…

When the same men were asked for the greatest female strictly dramatic roles of all time, the men ranked Ursula Andress in her white bikini in “Dr. No” as #1, followed by Sigourney Weaver in her underwear in “Aliens” and Carrie Fisher in the gold bikini in “Star Wars.”

The only Julie Andrews role the men could remember, was the movie, “S.O.B.”  where she took her top off. 

 ***** 

London’s Sun tabloid reports that an online marketing firm calculated that the average woman spends two years and ten months of her life shopping.  That’s nearly 25,185 hours over 63 years, or just under 400 hours a year.  In the average year, women spend about 95 hours shopping for food, 17-1/2 hours shopping for toiletries like deodorant and razors, nearly 101 hours shopping for clothes, 29-1/2 hours shopping for fashion accessories and 40-1/2 hours shopping for shoes.  This doesn’t include the 51 times a year that they window shop and don’t buy anything… 

JoAnne Purtan, of Channel 7’s “Don’t Waste Your Money” says she doesn’t believe any of this.  Always the consummate professional, she says, “It’s just a bunch of crap.”

Some say that men shop just as much as women.  But it’s probably that Elton John and Boy George are throwing off the average. 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Prince Charles’ wife, Camilla, took a nasty spill during a so-call “Hill-Walk” during a trip to Scotland on Wednesday – resulting in a broken leg.  The Royal Physician applied a plaster cast which she has been instructed to wear for four to six weeks… 

I guess this means no more “horse play” for she and Charles for a while. 

Camilla is said to be resting comfortably.  This afternoon she had a cup of tea with two lumps of sugar – which she ate out of Prince Charles’ hand. 

Camilla’s Mother-In-Law, Queen Elizabeth, said, “I’m devastated to hear about Camilla’s broken leg.  Of course this means we’ll have to put her down.” 

The Queen added, “I’m sorry to see her go… just when her popularity was up in the latest Gallop poll.”

*****

Believe it or not…we’ve got more robot news from Japan.  They announced today that they’ve perfected a new robot that can do household chores – including folding laundry.  The only trouble is, it takes the robot about 25 minutes to fold one towel…

Obviously this is a married male robot.  

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Celebrity Butt News…

Arthur and Ann Kelly of New Jersey officially ended their marriage Tuesday, turning the divorce terms over to an arbitrator, after Bruce Springsteen allegedly came between them.  Arthur a high-paid mortgage broker claims that his wife Ann – a 45 year-old mother of two, became mistress of “The Boss” after joining the same glitzy gym Springsteen belongs to.  Although it’s never been confirmed, it’s claimed the two started “canoodling” after Bruce told Ann she had the “nicest ass” in the gym…

Our own Jackie’s not buying this story… During her time in New York, she was a member of the very same gym and says quote, “Bruce has the nicest ass on the planet”.

Meanwhile in Hollywood, word has it that after hearing about her break-up with Jim Carrey via Twitter, Actress/ Model Jenny McCarthy called Carrey the “Biggest Ass” on the planet. 

And from the Japanese – who seem to have a thing for robots – comes news that they have perfected the most lifelike female automatron ever.  “Geminoid” as she’s called, is not only pretty, but can actually smile. 

Her mechanical boyfriend was recently quoted as saying, “Of all the female robots I’ve known, she has the nicest robutt in the lab”. 

(Admit it… You thought we were going to say “ass” again)

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Tuesday, President Obama unveiled new restrictions on America’s use of nuclear weapons.  As long as other world nations obey Nuclear Treaties and don’t have nukes themselves… the U.S. will not retaliate with nuclear weapons even if we are attacked with chemical or biological warfare. Instead, the President says he’ll use “graded options”, combining old and new types of weapons…

No word yet on whether these will include the time-tested “swirly”, “noogie”, and “atomic wedgie”.  

In a related story, Monday the President threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home opener. The crowd both cheered and booed as the ball ironically veered wildly to the left…

The Washington Nationals’ catcher got so freaked out, that for the rest of the game he wore Nancy Pelosi’s chest protector.  

Story of the Day (Until we can think of a catchier name for this feature)

In what can only be described as historic, later this week, there will be four – count ‘em four - women astronauts on the International Space Station.  That will be the largest number of women ever sent into space at the same time…

The launch has already been delayed by several weeks, after two of the space gals realized that they had selected the same space suit. 

It’s obviously an incredible view from up there…And speaking the “The View”, I can think of four women I wouldn’t mind sending into space. 

(Please hum news-sounding theme music to yourself as you read this. Thank you...) "And Now From the DickPurtan.com News Room"...

Big Al Muskavito here at the DickPurtan.com News Desk.  Well, just when it had appeared that the dust had settled on Dick’s retirement, comes more reaction - this time from the Big Apple and from a very unlikely source - HOWARD STERN! Yes, Howard paid homage to Dick and his career during his radio show this past week.  Plus, Dick was also interviewed by Howard’s news anchor.  Tune in, actually log in, next week to DickPurtan.com and hear for yourself.  I’m Big Al Muskavito reporting.  We now return you to your regularly scheduled web surfing.

What a Difference a Week Makes...

Hard to believe… but it was one week ago today that Dick Purtan signed off for the final time.  So how did Dick and his “People” mark the milestone?

At 9:00am this morning…

Rebekah, ironically, was stuck in traffic.

Big Al had his head buried in an All-You-Can-Eat Breakfast Buffet.

Jackie cried.  (Again)

And Dick… well, he slept right through the whole thing. 

Wishing (My Dad) Dick Purtan Well

Take a look at this wonderful farewell tribute done by Dick’s daughter.   

This is a Breaking News Alert… So Big, We’d Have It Scrolling Across the Bottom of the Page If We Knew How To Do That…

Dateline:  His Bedroom

Recent Radio Retiree Dick Purtan shocked not only his wife, Gail, but also himself last night by sleeping an astounding 10 hours and 12 minutes in a row.  (Well, almost.)  Purtan went to bed at 11:45pm and didn’t wake until 8:55am EST when he glanced at the clock, rolled over and went back to sleep until 9:57am.  

A Sleep-Event of this magnitude has not happened to Purtan since August of 1965 – just prior to his starting the morning show on WKNR. 

What led to this phenomenon?  Experts disagree.  One told us it could have been the glass and a half of red wine Purtan reportedly had with dinner which would both act as a relaxant and of course provide him with heart-healthy antioxidants.  Another expert said simply, “Look, the guys been getting up in the middle of the night for 45 years.  He’s tired”. 

In a related story… Salmon Futures fell leading to a near panic on Wall Street, as word came that Purtan dined on Beef – not his usual Salmon - at a local Bistro last night. 

More details as they become available…