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Tonya Harding told NBC that she does a lot of yard work since giving up figure skating. 

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- Sure...that's easy for her since she's got two good knees! 


In an effort to boost cancer awareness, CBS is giving away a trip to New York City for a free colonoscopy. 

- And you thought having your pocket picked was the most invasive thing that could happen to you on a trip to the Big Apple. 

- CBS claims there's already been quite a run on entries. 


Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel says he'll shrink the U.S. Army to its smallest size since just before World War II. 

- Is it just me or would this be like FDR sending a "Save the Date" card to Hitler so he could plan ahead for the D-Day invasion? 

- He also plans to send our enemies GPS locators so they can pinpoint exactly where our reduced amount of soldiers are stationed. 


Google's director of engineering predicts that computers will be smarter than humans by 2029. 

- Why not? They're already smarter than Chuck Hagel. 


CNN is canceling the Piers Morgan Show, citing low ratings. 

- At CNN, "Low Ratings" means even the guys in the control room aren't watching the show. 


Pope Francis told a group of Cardinals that they should all behave like the Saints. 

- So first thing this morning, they got in a huddle and patted each other on the butts. 


RIP...Harold Ramis. The comedic writer, director and actor who starred in films including "Ghostbusters" and "Stripes" died at age 69. 

- Sometimes the answer to "Who Ya Gonna Call?" should be "911" not "Ghostbusters". 


Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 


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