Disney Introduces New Character: “Gropey”
A Pennsylvania woman who says Donald Duck groped her at Disney’s Epcot Center in Florida can have her day in court. April Magolon’s claims that the character grabbed her breast as she held her child at the Park and then joked about it.
- Apparently she took offense after Donald groped her chest and began singing, “It’s a Small World Afterall”.
- Shouldn’t her first clue have been the fact that the guy wasn’t wearing any pants?
- It’s gonna cost a fortune to defend Donald… luckily, Disney will be footing the Bill.
- Since this happened in Epcot, why didn’t Donald just flee five steps over to France and fight extradition?
Brown Is The New “In The Red”
Yesterday in Sacramento, Arnold Schwarzenegger stepped down as Jerry “Moonbeam” Brown was sworn in (again) as Governor of California. To emphasize the “painful choices” that will have to be made to close the state’s $29 billion budget gap, his inaugural lunch was hot dogs.
- Followed by “totally groovy” hash brownies.
- former girlfriend Linda Rondstadt performed “When Will I Be Loved?, to which 72 year old Jerry replied, “Just as soon as I get my prescription refilled”.
- With the mess California is in, this was the only time in history former Governor Schwarzenegger said, “I WON’T be back!”
She Prefers Coke to Pepsi…
Lindsay Lohan finished her court-ordered rehab stay and left the Betty Ford Center Monday. Her mother had claimed that Lindsay planned to stay for another week of treatment and classes because she was so serious about getting clean and sober. But, true to form, Lindsay walked out the second she was able and didn’t say where she was going.
- Of course she didn’t say where she was going, she didn’t even know where she was!
- The Betty Ford Clinic is so grateful for all the money Lindsay has spent there, they’re naming a wing – I’m sorry, that’s a revolving door – after her.
When The Rubber Met The Road
A driver in Pennsylvania caused a mior car crash after he stopped suddenly when he thought there was a person lying in the road. The “person” turned out to be an inflatable sex doll. Nobody was injured, however the man who slammed on the brakes was rear-ended.
- Not to mention the doll!
- Police suspect that the man who pushed the doll out of the car was mad at her for giving him the silent treatment.
- Maybe she was out for a jog and sprung a leak.
From the Not-So-Shocking-News-Department…
A new survey has found that nearly every woman who looks in the mirror sees herself as fat. A diet company surveyed only healthy people whose weight was right for their height. Still, only 13% of women said they were happy with what they saw. When asked to pick a word to describe how they looked, only 6% said “slim” and 17% said “fat”. On the other hand, among men whose weight was proportional to their height, only six percent thought they looked fat.
- Of course those men were all hair-dressers.
- To keep with the times, Disney immediately re-wrote Snow White’s lines to read, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall… Who’s the fattest of them all”.
- NOTE TO MEN: Be careful if you’re wife asks, “Does this mirror make my butt look big?”
Today’s Almanac
On this day in 1961, history’s longest recorded strike ended when Danish barber’s assistants went back to work after 33 years.
- Finally, they got to get out of the house and go back to spending eight hours a day sitting in a barber chair reading the paper!
- If it weren’t for the barber strike the Beatles would have had brush cuts!
Speaking of hair… 2011 marks the 50th anniversary of the “Beehive” hairdo.
- The 60’s… a great fashion decade! Beehive hairdos and Torpedo bras!
Three hot chicks re-create the 60’s… minus the beehive! (and Big Al’s hair)
Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow!
- Dick