Is She A Member Of Alpha Pie? 

Remember the woman who smashed an apple pie into Senator Carl Levin’s face during a question and answer session with voters this week to “shine light on his war crimes”?   Turns out she’s a student at Michigan State! 

Afterwards she immediately went over to Cedar Village and lit a couch on fire!

If she’s charged, the prosecutor will be chanting, “Go Green!  Go White!  Go to Jail!”

Shaken, Stirred and Arrested

Fire officials in Fairfax County, Virginia are taking heat for going overboard.  For 13 years, bartenders at Jimmy’s Old Town Tavern have entertained customers by juggling bottles and spitting flames of liquor.  But they were recently charged with a felony for setting a fire, and manufacturing an explosive device just for doing the usual bar tricks that hurt nobody. 

Putting alcohol in your mouth doesn’t turn you into an explosive device unless you’re Mel Gibson!

Of course if you count the alcohol actually in someone’s system… Lindsay Lohan is a Weapon of Mass Destruction!

A Bedtime Story…

Manhattan sexologist Logan Levkoff offered some tips to husbands who want to get their wives to have sex more often.  She says don’t treat women like porn stars, because reflects men’s fantasies, not women’s.  Offer to watch the kids so she can take some time to relax and spend 20 minutes talking to her about non-stressful topics so she’ll know you’re a good listener and can communicate. The sexologist added that if you hug your wife for 30 seconds, kiss and hold her hand, it raises her levels of the cuddle hormone Oxytocin and puts her in the mood.  But she cautions against groping her chest or butt as that upsets women. 

Okay, I’ll go along with all of those except the one about spending 20 minutes talking about non-stressful topics to show I’m able to listen and communicate.  (You have to draw the line somewhere…)

After watching the kids for a few hours, you may re-think your decision to do something that could produce another one.

Unfortunately, by the time you figure out all the rules, you’re too tired to have sex anyway.

What a Bunch of Bananas!

Police in Washington State recently got a call about two men doing donuts in a local parking lot.  They arrived to find 21-year-old Carlton Jeffrey Kohnert dressed in a child’s banana costume.  According to witnesses, earlier that day he’d exposed himself to a woman in a restaurant and at one point jumped out of the car – in his banana suit – brandished a shotgun and began yelling about white supremacy. Police say they believe alcohol was involved.

How much you wanna bet that alcohol came in the form of a banana daiquiri? 

Wait ‘til the guys in prison find out that he likes to dress up as a fruit.

Grocery and Disorderly Conduct

A man in Aukville, Wisconsin was issued a $429 citation for creating a disturbance after he allegedly came up to a woman who brought more than 10 items to a grocery store express lane and began berating her.  He even called her “fat and ugly”.  Ironically, the clerk had told her she could use that lane because she was the only person in line.

The man was just mad because the last time he’d gone through the line, the cashier had said, “I need a price check on Depends…” 

I See London… I See France…

UPDATE:  Police in Paris have now arrested the two girls who were robbing men at ATM’s after distracting them by exposing their breasts.  They are both 14 years old!!!!!

Roman Polanski said he’d like to make a movie about these two 14-year-old girls and their criminal career but they’re a year too old.

You’ve Got Questions… I’ve Got Answers!

In answer to Sandra Kort’s question on Facebook yesterday, I will not be at the Woodward Dream Cruise this year.  It will only be the second one that I’ve ever missed!   

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow…

 - Dick

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