But He Would Have Been The Prettiest Governor Since Jennifer Granholm!
In a world filled with bad news there is one bright spot… Geoffrey Feiger announced over the weekend that he will NOT run for Governor. He say’s his “outspoken personality” would distract from the real issues.
- Instead, he’s signed on as the new spokesmodel for Pantene Shampoo.
- Dr. Kevorkian was devastated when he heard. He said, “I could kill myself”.
Tastes Great! Less Filament!
Wang Xianjun of Sichuan Province, China has an unusual snack preference: light bulbs. Wang claims to eat a smashed light bulb with a water chaser every morning for breakfast. He says he finds them, “crispy and delicious”. Doctors who have examined Wang say they see no ill effects from Wang’s eating habits.
- Although one Doctor admitted Wang seemed like a bit of a dim bulb.
- This explains why his mother always called him the light of her life.
- He got in big trouble with his wife recently when he asked for a three-way. (Get it? 75-100-150?)
- I wonder what showed up over Wang’s head when he first got the idea?
Last week, 169 passengers on a British Airways flight from London to the Cayman Islands were warned to stop drinking anything because none of the jets six toilets were working. Four of the six toilets were blocked up before takeoff, and the other two went out with two-and-a-half hours left in the flight.
- This turned every passenger who couldn’t hold it into an “Underwear Bomber”.
- Their first clue came when the Flight Attendant announced that the pilot had turned on the “No-Peeing” sign.
- Congress immediately went to work on a new law requiring airlines to carry adult diapers. It’s part of their “No Grown-Up’s Wet Behind” Program.
- They should have just emptied the tanks over the Gulf of Mexico. It couldn’t have made things any worse!
You Gotta Give Her An “A” For Effort…
Christina Gamble of Quakertown, Pennsylvania, is facing felony charges of workers compensation fraud. She got almost 30 grand in benefits after she fell during a moonlighting shift as a waitress at The Red Robin restaurant. Gamble claimed that standing in front of a classroom all day was too painful – which was great until insurance investigators found her pole- dancing at CR Fanny’s strip club.
- At least she was dancing for adults and not having sex with her students!
- Always the teacher, Gamble was known to give her lap-dancing clients “pop” quizzes…
On this day in 1979, a New York plastic surgeon was sued by a women who’d been promised a “Flat, sexy belly button.” Instead, he accidentally relocated it 2 inches to the right. A court awarded her $854,000 in damages.
- It could have been worse… she could have gone in for breast implants.
- The belly button surgeon now works at an “Audi” dealership. (You know… as opposed to “Innie”. Go ahead and groan).
Celebrity Spending Today At Chucky Cheese…
TV infomercial guru Ron “The Pocket Fisherman” Popeil celebrates his 75th birthday. But wait! There’s more…
- Ron says that after all these years, he’s still “a bass man”.
- If you want to send him a gift, please allow 6 to 8 weeks for delivery.