I hope you had a great Thanksgiving Weekend filled with Fun, Food. Family and Football! Especially the Ah-Maizing Michigan 45 - 23 Win over Ohio State. So we had Turkey on Thursday… and then turned OSU into another Turkey on Saturday!!! I don’t know about you… but I’m Happily Stuffed!!

*****

Mauna Loa… the world’s largest active volcano… located on the big Island of Hawaii is erupting for the first time in 38 years.

- Experts say there’s no lava flowing right now... but one resident, a Mr. D. Ho did report seeing "Tiny Bubbles". (Ba da Boom!)

That reminds me of the time we landed in Honolulu and were taken to a big “Welcoming Ceremony” where we were greeted by singer Don Ho. He asked everybody to shout out where they were from and one guy yelled that he’d flown in from Japan. Don said, “Hey… Welcome. But next time… No Surprises, okay?” (True!)

*****

Actress Alyssa Milano is being ridiculed on Social Media after tweeting that she'd traded in her Tesla for an Electric Volkswagen ... because Elon Musk's products are being "Pushed in alignment with hate and white supremacy." Critics pointed out that Volkswagen was founded by Hitler and the Nazis.

- Well, yes... there's that!!!!!

*****

The Parade Company did a fabulous job with this year’s Thanksgiving Parade down Woodward Avenue in Detroit including 9 new floats!

- Meanwhile… In New York… A million or so people watched a bunch of bloated, cartoonish balloons filled with hot air… but enough about the “Special Holiday Episode of The View”.

*****

It's Cyber Monday!

The day computer literate people save BIG by getting all of their Christmas shopping done on their phones and computers and the rest of us spend all day calling THEM asking if they know our WIFI password.

*****

A Florida woman is suing Kraft Heinz for $5 MILLION claiming their Microwavable Velveeta Shells & Cheese cups takes longer to prepare than the 3 and 1/2 minutes that it says on the label.

- God forbid this woman ever tries to make a box of "Minute Rice".

*****

RIP... Irene Cara. The Oscar-winning singer of the themes for the movies “Flashdance” ("What a Feeling") and "Fame"... has died at her home at age 63. No cause has been given.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

From the entire Purtan Family to You and Yours… Happy Thanksgiving!

Have a Safe, Happy & Healthy Holiday Weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday!

-Dick

It’s Thanksgiving Eve!

An estimated 55 MILLION Americans will be traveling 50 miles or more this Holiday weekend: 2.3 MILLION FLYING each day, 50 MILLION traveling by car, and 4 MILLION expected to pack Trains and Busses.

- Hey… That’s a great idea for a movie! We could have gotten Steve Martin and John Candy to star… and we could have called it “Planes, Trains & Automobiles!” Why didn’t we think of that??

*****

Jones Soda Co. has brought back their Limited Edition “Turkey & Gravy” flavored soda.

- I tried it… but got turned off because the “Gravy” part was a little lumpy.

*****

Japan pulled off a stunning upset at the World Cup earlier today… beating Germany 2-1.

- Raise your hand if you’re old enough to remember when Japan and Germany played for the same team?

*****

According to a new survey, 2 in 3 people are working more during the holiday season and even picking up a side gig to earn extra money.

- Even Santa’s Elves are having to get a second job… at the “Men’s Warehouse Small & Short Shop”.

*****

Scientists at the University of South Australia report that consuming 30-50 grams of Almonds can help people cut back on calories.

- So I was right! Eating 3 Almond Joys a day IS going to help me lose weight!

*****

Just in time for Thanksgiving… A new romantic horror film “Bones and All,” debuts today. The movie follows two Cannibalistic lovers as they embark on a road trip across America.

- This sounds like “Jeffrey Dahmer” meets “It’s a Wonderful Life”.

- When I read “Romantic Horror” film… I thought it was a documentary about Johnny Depp and Amber Heard.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow… Thanksgiving Day!!

-Dick

Jay Leno is back home after undergoing two surgeries for damage to his face & hands caused by a fire that broke out while he was working on one of his classic cars. He’s expected to make a full recovery… and as Jay’s co-star in the movie “Collision Course” (and by “Co-Star” I mean I had a 20 second voice-over role), I send him my very best and hope we can get back to making movies TOGETHER… Soon!!!

*****

Two years after after the NY Post broke the Hunter Biden Laptop Story… CBS News has finally “Verified it’s Authenticity”… but not before calling it “Russian Disinformation” during the 2020 Presidential and 2022 Midterm Elections.

- In related news… CBS also announced: “We can now confirm that the Earth is Round, The Sun sets in the West, and Yes, Bears Do Go in the Woods”.

****

In a shock Sunday night move at the “House of Mouse” Disney announced that it’s current CEO is out… and former CEO Bog Iger - who retired less than a year ago is coming back to try to fix the company who’s stock fell over their “Woke” Policies.

- No one is more excited about this than Sleeping Beauty who says she hasn’t gotten a decent night’s sleep since Disney went “Woke”.

*****

Speaking of Shut-Eye… 2 in 3 Americans say the #1 thing they wish Santa would leave under the tree for them this year… is “A decent night’s sleep” or “Any product that can help them sleep better”.

- Remember when “Tickle Me Elmo” was big?? Now everybody wants “Knock Me Out Xanax”.

*****

After running a 24-hour poll on Twitter, Elon Musk announced that he is reinstating former President Trump on Twitter. 52% of nearly 12 million votes were in favor of the move.

- Trump is already calling for a Recount!

*****

The strip club “Booby Trap” has made a bid for the naming rights to the Miami Heat’s FTX Arena.

- If that happens… I say Good Luck to all the guys who will have to tell their wives they've got Season Tickets to the "Booby Trap”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow… Thanksgiving Eve!

-Dick

Amazing Football Weekend here in Detroit… even though the Lions were out of town - in New York - where they beat the Giants 31 - 18 - bringing the Lion’s record up to 4 and 6 and moving them to #2 in the NFC North Division!

Meanwhile… The Buffalo Bills took on the Cleveland Browns down at Ford Field in Detroit after the game was moved from Buffalo due to an incredible 77 inch snowfall. I went to the game with daughters Jill and JoAnne and my 10 year old Grandson Brayden. Brayden’s Mom, my daughter Julie, passed away a year and a half ago and was a HUGE Bills fan… something she passed on to Brayden… that made going to the game truly special! And Buffalo’s win - 31-23 over the Browns - was the icing on the cake.

Between that and the Lions winning… well, it was a Great day all around!!

Maybe they should switch stadiums more often!?!?!?

Have a terrific day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

This afternoon, Nancy Pelosi made it official that she will NOT serve in a leadership role now that the Republicans won the house… but WILL serve out her term as Representative from San Francisco. Republican Kevin McCarthy is on track to take over as Speaker of the House.

Meanwhile the Speaker in MY House is named Alexa.

*****

Yesterday on “The View”, Joy Behar announced that Whoopi Goldberg has tested positive for Covid and will be absent from the show until she recovers.

- Here’s an idea… How about the WHOLE SHOW takes a week off??!!??!!

*****

In a viral video that has racked up over 8 million views on Tik Tok, a Groom is seen showing up for his wedding in a Casket, solemnly carried to the altar by his six Groomsmen.

- How did the Bride react? Let's just say she went with the Something Old, Borrowed and New for the Ceremony... and saved the "Something Blue" for the Wedding night.

*****

White Castle has released a recipe for "Kicking' Southwest Stuffin'" for the Holidays that you can make at home by mixing fresh ingredients with White Castle's Jalapeño Cheese Sliders.

- So… I’m supposed to go to White Castle, buy a sack ‘o sliders, take ‘em home and shove ‘em in a raw turkey and cook ‘em again??? YUM!!!

*****

California police arrested a man for stealing a shopping cart jam packed with gallons of Tide laundry detergent… and when they ran his name, they found out he was already wanted for MURDER.

- And now apparently he’s looking to get into Money Laundering.

*****

A septuagenarian woman led authorities on a 112 mph chase on an Oregon highway… blowing her tires out along the way. Cops had to spike the 75 YEAR OLD WOMAN’S tires 7 times to get her to stop.

- And unfortunately Cops didn’t buy her excuse that she was in labor and rushing to get to the hospital.

*****

An Australian law student was caught passing through airport security with her deceased boyfriend’s ashes hidden in a sex toy.

- Before you judge.... everyone grieves in their own way. .

******

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here friday!

-Dick

This is a picture that Pennsylvania Senator-Elect John Fetterman’s wife Giselle posted on Twitter of the happy couple after last weeks Midterms.

- Kind of makes you wonder who won… Fetterman or his wife?

*****

Buffalo and its SOUTHERN suburbs is bracing for a MAJOR snow event - with 3 to 6 feet of snow possible by Sunday.

- My hometown of Kenmore is on the NORTHERN side of Buffalo… so we always got off easy. We usually only got about 5 and 1/2 feet of snow.

*****

Billionaire Jeff Bezos warned that the country is headed for a recession and warned Americans to “save their money” by holding off on buying big ticket items like cars and TV’s.

- Instead, he suggests you spend your money on more “practical purchases” like Chia Pets and Yoga Pants which can be on your doorstep in two days FREE with Amazon Prime!!!

*****

The Royal Family released a new portrait of King Charles III in celebration of both his 74th birthday and newly appointed role as “Park Ranger of Windsor Great Park”. (True)

- And later this week they plan to release a new portrait of Prince Andrew presenting his girlfriend with her Wrist Corsage for the Prom.

*****

As punishment for throwing eggs at King Charles and Queen Consort Camilla last week, A 23-year-old Englishman has been banned from carrying EGGS in public — except for when grocery shopping.

- Boy… they’ve come a long way from the Tower of London haven’t they?

*****

Actor Rainn Wilson of "The Office" fame recently changed his name to “Rainnfall-Heat-Wave-Extreme- Winter -Wilson” on social media to Protest Climate Change.

- Well I’m gonna change my name to “Dick-Orange-Barrel-Flashing-Arrow-Follow-Detour-Signs-Pot-Hole- Purtan” to Protest the Bad Roads and Constant Construction in Michigan!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Researchers say there’s a Global Sperm Crisis… with Sperm Counts from across the world falling by 50% between 1973 and 2018 - something that experts say could “Threaten the survival of Mankind”.

- Guys… Are we gonna stand for this??

- In the words of Dorie from “Finding Nemo”… Just Keep Swimming!

*****

At the G-20 Summit in Bali… President Biden skipped dinner, causing some to worry he was feeling ill.

- But it turns out they have a different cable system in Bali and “Matlock” came on right when the soup was served.

*****

Robert Kennedy Jr. says he is “Baffled” by his family’s decision to give Prince Harry & Meghan Markle their prestigious “Ripple of Hope” Humanitarian Award… but said it’s a “Step up” from last year’s winner… Dr. Fauci.

- In a related story… The family announced that they’ll be handing out the “Ted Kennedy Excellence In Driving Award” to Billy Joel at a Gala next year.

*****

The most recent data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention shows over seven in 10 U.S. adults aged 20 and older are either overweight or obese.

- I bring that up in case you’re looking for something to talk about while having seconds of mashed potatoes and gravy at Thanksgiving dinner.

*****

The American Academy of Pediatric Medicine - who has come out in favor of “gender affirming procedures” for children under 18 - says they DO NOT believe that children under 18 should be allowed to get a tattoo WITH OR WITHOUT PARENTAL CONSENT because it PERMANENTLY ALTERS THEIR BODY and they “Can’t change it back”.

- So the bottom line here is… a Tramp Stamp is a No-No… But having your John Wayne “Bobbitted” is Okey Dokey!

*****

Facial hair enthusiasts gathered at a bar in Wyoming to create the worlds longest Beard. The group of men stood side by side and clipped their beards together to create a hairy chain that was measured at 150 feet long.

- The guys got some GREAT pictures they wanted to show their wives or girlfriends… if they had any.

*****

Thoughts and Prayers go out to Jay Leno who is in the Hospital in Los Angeles recovering from 3rd degree burns on his face and hands. Jay was working on one of his vintage cars when a fuel leak led to an explosion.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

President Biden met with Chinese President Xi at the G20 summit this morning.

- The Chinese President ordered the media to report a "Positive Meeting" and Biden ordered "Sweet and Sour Chicken".

*****

A new study shows that, just like humans, rats can move their heads in time to a musical beat.

- And you should see them move when they play Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, and Sammy Davis Jr. tunes from their Rat Pack Vegas days.

*****

Jeff Bezos girlfriend Lauren Sanchez says she’s putting together an all-female crew so they can take a girls trip to outer space on one of her boyfriend’s Rockets.

- The trip is scheduled to last two days... but could take up to a week with all the potty breaks and stops to ask for directions.

*****

A new study found that some Senior Americans are just as glued to their Smartphones as teenagers are... with some so addicted to scrolling through news and social media they even ignore their kids and grandkids.

- Or maybe... like me... they're just trying to figure out how to turn it on.

*****

Over the weekend, a baseball glove worn by Babe Ruth was auctioned off for more than $1.5 million.

- In a related story, a wedding dress once worn by Dennis Rodman is still available on a "100 Bucks or Best Offer" basis.

*****

Tom Brady’s ex Gisele Bundchen was seen out on a date with her new boyfriend in Costa Rica over the weekend. Meanwhile, Tom was in Germany… where he led Tampa Bay to a 21 -16 win over Seattle making him the first NFL Quarterback in history to win 3 games in a country outside the US.

- So he won the game, set a new record, but his ex-wife got a new boyfriend. Well… I guess even Tom Brady can’t win ‘em all.

*****

RIP… John Aniston, Jennifer Aniston’s father and the actor known for his roles on “Days of Our Lives”, "The West Wing" and “Search for Tomorrow” has passed away at age 89.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

To all of our brave Veterans both living and departed - Thank you. We are humbled by your Service and the immense Sacrifices you and your families made for All of Us.

You are as Exceptional as the Country you defend and we owe you a debt that can never be repaid.

Have a great Veterans Day and I’ll see you back here Monday…

With much Gratitude,

-Dick

The fallout from Tuesday’s Midterm elections kind of reminded me of this pic from “Planes, Trains & Automobiles”… It looks like two voters: One happy and one unhappy. But, hey… remember… they ended up having Thanksgiving Dinner TOGETHER at the end of the movie!

*****

New research focusing on 2020 has concluded that major political events like Elections can have a big impact on psychological health and well-being.

- It can even impact things in the bedroom. Yes… it turns out “Electile Dysfunction” is a real thing.

*****

A 38 year old Texas man was arrested for shoplifting and faces jail time after a Super Market cashier saw him shove a bottle of eggnog in his pants.

- This happened in Texas, so he’ll probably get 20 to life. In California, they would have asked if they could hold the Egg Nog for him so he could go next door and rob the jewelry store.

*****

The Taliban government in Afghanistan announced that Women are no longer allowed to enter the countries amusement parks.

- But there’s no problem… If they want to experience the “Taliban Tower of Terror”… they can just go outside their house without without a male chaperone.

*****

The Russian Ministry of Education is reporting planning to introduce military training to its school curriculum starting next school year with a 140 hours of combat classes for Juniors and Seniors in High School.

- Meanwhile… OUR High School kids are busy learning how to make Tik-Tok Videos and take selfies with their Emotional Support Hamsters.

*****

MSNBC host Katy Tur speculated on Wednesday that - following his victory over Dr. Oz in Pennsylvania -Senator-Elect John Fetterman could RUN FOR PRESIDENT someday.

- Really??? Well… As Diane Keaton famously said in “Annie Hall”… “La-Di-Da, La-Di-Da, La-Di-Da”. -

*****

Disney greenlit an Indiana Jones television series for their streaming platform, Disney+.

- Harrison Ford is 80 now… so get ready for “Indiana Jones and the Early Bird Dinner”.

- And “Raiders of the Lost Keys, Iphone, & Remote Control”

*****

Harvey Weinstein’s defense lawyer asked the Judge if Harvey can wear suspenders in court because… having lost a lot of weight in Prison on sex charges, he’s been struggling to keep his pants on.

- Of course if Harvey had been able to keep his pants on, he wouldn’t be in jail in the first place.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

So I went to bed early last night. Anything interesting on TV?

*****

Proposals 1, 2 and 3 all passed here in Michigan.

- Here’s an idea: How about next time, there’s also a “Proposal 4” that would require all future Proposals to be written in clear language we can actually understand so we voters will know EXACTLY what it is we’re voting for or against!!!

*****

In the Governors race… Gretchen beat Tudor.

- I don’t know about you, but to me that sounds more like an election result in 1522 England than 2022 Michigan.

*****

According to a new poll, 4 in 10 people would prefer a permanent form of Daylight Saving Time, where the sun rises and sets later in the day on a year-round basis.

- Of course with the accuracy of polls these days… they may SAY they prefer it… but that doesn’t mean they’d actually VOTE for it.

*****

Kim Kardashian is being mocked on Social Media for a new ad that shows her cooking“Beyond Meat” Plant-Based Chicken Breast Nuggets in an air-fryer… touting how “Delicious and easy they are for busy moms” to cook. Kim is worth $85 MILLION and has a Private Chef.

- I think Kim is PERFECT for this gig! I’m guessing at least 3/4 of her is as fake as the chicken!

*****

Saturday night, The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame welcomed their new class of inductees including Lionel Richie, Duran Duran, Eminem, Judas Priest, Pat Benatar, the Eurythmics, and Dolly Parton.

- Dolly was the only performer to be inducted in the “Duo” Category.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick

If you haven’t already… VOTE!!!!

Maybe I’ll see you in line! Either way… I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

God Bless America!!! 🇺🇸

-Dick

Aaron Rodgers struggled against the Lions in the Green Bay Packers’ 15-9 loss on Sunday, but still jabbed the Lions saying "We can’t lose a game like that against that team".

- But YOU DID!!!! Go LIONS!!!! Hey… We're 2 and 6!!! We're 2 and 6!!!!

*****

Officials are trying to determine if a meteorite crashed into earth and caused an explosion that destroyed a home in California. A direct hit from a meteorite is a 1 in 4 TRILLION event.

- To put that in perspective... A 1 in 4 TRILLION event would be like, say, the Lions beating the Packers.

*****

Social Media went nuts after Oprah threw her support behind progressive Dem John Fetterman over her friend and TV Protege Dr. Oz who is a Repub in the hotly contested Senate Race in Pennsylvania.

- Oprah put Fetterman on her list of "Favorite Things" and gave everyone in the audience a NEW CAR!!!!

*****

Elon Musk suspended "Comedian" Kathy Griffen from Twitter after she impersonated him on the platform... claiming he was Voting for Pro-Choice candidates.

- Kathy is said to be furious with the suspension... I mean "Lose you head" kind of furious...

*****

76 year old Cher has a new boyfriend! He’s a 36 year old music exec.

- He says the 40 year age difference doesn't bother him because, thanks to plastic surgery, most of Cher is actually YOUNGER than he is anyway.

*****

In a new poll of 2,000 Americans, 79% feel giving gifts is more fun when the recipient isn’t expecting it.

- Unless, of course, they’re in the bathroom at the time!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday… Election Day! And if you haven’t already… VOTE!!!!!

-Dick

Tomorrow night… Friday, November 4th… WDIV Channel 4 will air a two-hour Primetime Special commemorating the station’s 75th Anniversary! The special, titled “Going 4 It” takes a nostalgic look back at the Personalites and Shows that led to WDIV’s popularity in Detroit... and includes interviews with beloved personalities including Mort Crim and Carmen Harlan.

And I was honored to act as Narrator for the show, along with former Channel 4 sportscaster Eli Zarat and WDIV Anchor Devin Scillian.

I hope you'll join us for this "Trip through time" Friday night from 9 to 11pm (on WDIV - Channel 4, of course!)

It's a terrific show!

Congrats to everyone at Channel 4 for 75 years of Going 4 It!!!

*****

A cheating scandal dubbed "BagGate" has sent shock waves across the Professional "Cornhole" world...With one team accusing the other of using "non-regulation size bean bags" to gain an advantage. One Cornhole fan said of the scandal, "I think it’s funny that anyone believed it would be all friendships and rose petals forever in cornhole. Now the dirty underbelly is being exposed."

- My thoughts exactly. But I do have one question... What the heck is "Cornhole"????

*****

During his last-minute televised speech last night, President Biden warned that "Dark forces that thirst for power" could prevail in the midterms.

- Sounds like SOMEBODY watched a Stars Wars Marathon while he was in Delaware over the weekend!

*****

The Powerball jackpot has increased to a staggering $1.5 BILLION after no winning tickets were sold for Wednesday night's drawing. Next chance: Saturday night.

- For most of us… Winning that amount would change our lives forever. For Elon Musk, it would just let him recoup 1/44th of what he spent last Thursday on Twitter.

*****

Kim Kardashian says that she is a "Shape-Shifter" who can fit her ample figure into any garment.

- Unless that "garment" is a pair of ladies panties, size SMALL.

*****

An Alabama man posed as a Stanford University student, living illegally in several campus dorms and hanging out with the student community for NEARLY A YEAR before he was outted as an imposter.

- They only figured out he wasn't a REAL student when he didn't demand that his teacher be fired because the subject was “too hard”, turned down an offer for a "Emotional Support Dog", and Didn't start crying when someone accidentally turned on Fox News in the Dorm Lounge.

*****


After becoming a viral sensation, the horror film “Winnie-The-Pooh: Blood and Honey” has secured a February 2023 theatrical release date.

- What’s next? "Snoopy the Slasher"?? and "Curious George Does a Smash & Grab!"??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

With the price of Turkey almost $2 a pound and the cost of side dishes through the roof, Economists say many Americans are cutting back by inviting fewer people to Thanksgiving dinner.

- Since we have about 30 people coming for Thanksgiving, we realized we need to make some cuts. I guess this would be as good a time as any to mention… We drew names and… Sorry Jackie! Oh well… there’s always Christmas dinner!

*****

Meanwhile a growing number of Millennials say their ditching the traditional Turkey Day menu altogether and are going for something more affordable for their Thanksgiving Feast… Pizza, Soup & Salad.

- LITTLE KNOWN HISTORICAL FACT: Captain John Smith and Pocahontas sneaked off to her Tee-Pee after dinner. They described each other as “Hot” and “Ready”… which was picked up as the name of the Pizza at the Jamestown Little Caesar’s and the rest, as they say, is history!

*****

Ben Stiller says he’s hesitant about returning for the movie “Dodgeball 2” because “he's a little trepidatious about doing a sequel to something so beloved.”

- "Dodgeball 1" was BELOVED?? I never even heard of it.

*****

Kanye West was seen getting into an argument with a parent at his son Saint’s soccer game in Los Angeles.

- Nice to see Kanye do something normal for a change.

*****

In the latest protest by Climate Activists, two women glued themselves to the handrails around a Dinosaur exhibit at Berlin's Natural History Museum holding a banner that read: "What if the government doesn't have it under control?"

- Call me crazy… but I don't need to glue myself to a Dinosaur to KNOW that the Government Doesn't have much of ANYTHING under control.

*****

A TikTok influencer who filmed herself hitting a golf ball into the Grand Canyon is now facing criminal charges.

- I'm not one to brag... and I'm no "Influencer"... but I hit a golf ball into the Grand Canyon once... and I GOT A HOLE IN ONE!!!!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Thank you so much for all the kind thoughts and messages yesterday! Meant the world! Meanwhile… my 10 year old Grandson Brayden (My late daughter Julie & her husband Brad’s son) hit it big with the Halloween candy (and the ladies if this pic is any indication!) in his Ironman costume!

*****

Thousands of people were trapped inside China’s Shanghai Disney after the Chinese Government locked down the theme park in response to a local outbreak of COVID. But officials say some rides are still operating to keep people entertained.

- They’ve got great attractions at Shanghai Disney including… “It’s a Small World… Because WE SAID IT IS”, “The Hall of Czars” and “Honey I Brainwashed the Kids”.

- They’ve got EPCOT too… But there’s only one country: China.

*****

According to a new survey of 2,000 U.S. parents with kids between the ages of 3 and 15, 2/3 of respondents have taken & eaten some of the candy their kids got Trick or Treating.

- The other 1/3’s mouthes were so full of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and Laffy Taffy they couldn’t respond to the survey.

*****

Gwyneth Paltrow has released her annual list of “Must Have Gifts” just in time for the Holidays… including a $28,500 leather “Sex Chair” and a Miniature Gucci Purse to hold dog poop bags for just $420.

- Proving once again that Gwyneth is really just “The Girl Next Door”… if you happen to live next to a Super Rich, Dog Loving, Sex Crazed Freak with way too much time on her hands.

*****

A 35-year-old New York man claims to be a vampire and even wears fangs to fit the part.

- Well if you’re gonna be up all night you might as well live in the City that Never Sleeps!

*****

A Texas woman says "Hooker Ghosts" have taken over a rental property she owns. She says they "appear at night" and try to proposition her male renters - but so far, there have been no takers.

- It's not that the guys aren't interested... it's that, being Ghosts, they only take Crypt-o currency.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Happy Halloween!!!

NOTE TO TRICK OR TREATERS: I apologize, but due to inflation… The Chunky Soup that I hand out to the little nippers every Halloween won’t be as nearly Chunky this year! Sorry!!

*****

The Lions lost to the Miami Dolphins yesterday 31-27… bringing their record to 1 and 6.

- Further cementing the tradition, that for the 57th year in a row… The Lions will dress up in the most outlandish Halloween Costume they could think of… A Super Bowl-Appearing Football Team.

But my hometown team- the Buffalo Bills continued their winning season last night by beating Green Bay 27-17… bringing their record to 7 and 1 !!! Go Bills!!!! Speaking of Super Bowls… If the Lions can’t do it, It looks like the Bills might!

*****

An 8 year old boy became the youngest person to climb Yosemite's 3,000 foot 'El Capitan' Mountain.

- I feel bad for the kid. Some guys peak in High School. This kid “Peaked” in 3rd Grade.

- I guess it’s all downhill from here.

*****

Kamala Harris continues to be mocked for an awkward video in which she professes her love for “Yellow School Buses”… saying, “Who doesn’t love Yellow School Buses?”.

- Does everything have to be about color??

*****

Pope Francis continues to raise eyebrows by speaking out against nuns and priests watching internet porn.

- Are you kidding me??????? Priests and Nuns have INTERNET???

- This makes me think of my friend Thom Sharp’s great song “They Don’t Make Nun Names Like That No More” where he talked about his teachers. Remember his shop teacher “Sister Mary Black and Decker? I can only imagine his “Sex Ed Teacher”… “Sister Mary Very Bad Habit”.

*****

An actor from Lion King: The Musical is accusing his female co-star Ameena Kaplan of demanding sex and threatening to hold back his career if he didn’t sleep with her.

- He said it wasn’t a question of “Can You Feel the Love Tonight?” but rather “What TIME Tonight??”.

*****

My sweet and wonderful wife Gail passed away 4 years ago today. She is truly loved and missed by me and our girls ❤️

Have a great day, Happy Halloween and I’ll see you back here Tuesday…

-Dick

A survey of 2,000 adults finds that 29% admit their brain “shuts down” when they see or hear the word “data.”

- My brain shuts down when I hear the words, “Medicare Part B”.

*****

The IRS announced that individuals will be able to contribute more money to their 401 retirement accounts in 2023.

- Great! How bout we start with them giving back all the money we lost during 2022??

*****

An Indonesian Grandmother went out to do some gardening near her home in the jungles of Sumatra and ended up getting attacked and swallowed alive by a 22 foot Python snake.

- On a bright note… She won’t have to sit through anymore of those “Medicare Advantage Enrollment Period” Commercials with JJ Walker, Joe Namath & William Shatner!!!

*****

Kim Kardashian's 42nd Birthday celebration in Vegas was canceled after strong winds forced Kylie Jenner's private jet make an unscheduled landing.

- Amazingly… the winds were INSIDE the plane. Turns out Kim and Kylie got up to change seats and they created such a tail wind they overshot Los Angeles.

*****

Boy George posted an Instagram video in which he slammed Kim Kardashian for not publicly condemning Kanye West's antisemitic remarks.

- Boy George said of Kim, "You'll get yours... cuz Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon's a bitch!" (The Millennial version of “What goes around, comes around!”)

*****

Pharma giant Pfizer plans to sell its new COVID vaccine with a 10,000% markup - despite revenues tripling and the CEO pocketing $50 MILLION during the Pandemic.

- G… It’s been a while since I’ve been in High School, but that seems more like MATH to me than SCIENCE.

*****

An Iranian hermit known as “The World’s Dirtiest Man” has died at the ripe age of 94. The man, known as “Uncle Haji”, hadn’t bathed in decades because he believing bathing would make him sick. Uncle Haji never married and had no children.

- Well that’s a big surprise.

*****

A mother-to-be has inspired women, fishing hobbyists, and others after she pole-speared a potential world record fish while freediving at eight months pregnant.

- Oh yeah? I once ate a Filet o Fish while my wife was IN LABOR with one of my Daughters!!! So there!!!

*****

DON’T RIP… Jerry Lee Lewis… On Wednesday, Media outlets erroneously reported that the 87 year old singer of “Great Balls of Fire” had died at his home in Memphis… but it turns out… HE’S ALIVE!!!

- Doctors thought his heart had stopped, but it turns out, there was still a Whole Lotta Shakin’ Goin’ On!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Adidas has terminated its partnership with Kanye “Ye” West over his anti-Semitic comments.

- Kanye says he found out he’d been dumped when he got a letter that said, “Hear Ye… Hear Ye… You’re Fired”.

*****

Yesterday was “National Cartoonists Against Crime Day”… The day Cartoonists stood up against Crime by refusing to Draw their Guns!

*****

A study of more than 13,000 over 50’s in the US found that parents who have at least one son experience faster mental decline than people who only have daughters.

- We raised six daughters and so far this morning I lost my keys and forgot where I put my phone. I guess if we’d had six sons… I wouldn’t even be able to find my house.

*****

Federal data shows student test scores plunged in the U.S. as the COVID-19 school closures erased decades of academic progress — with math scores recording their LARGEST DECREASE EVER. How bad is it? 3 in 10 can’t even do basic division.

- Why… that’s 50%!

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A recent survey of Gen Z (ages 12 to 26) found that their favorite restaurant is… Chick-fil-A.

And if the news about test scores is correct, that may be the only “A” they’re bringing home this year.

*****

On a new Podcast, Snoop Dogg’s “Professional Joint Roller” revealed that the rapper smokes up to 150 Marijuana cigarettes A DAY - and says she’s rolled more than 450,000 joints for Snoop since 2016.

- So “Professional Joint Roller” is actually A JOB??

-I can hear it now… “What are you going to school for, Son?” “Well… I’m thinking about majoring in Joint Rolling with a Minor in Meth”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick