Rush Limbaugh has died at the age of 70 after a year long battle with Lung Cancer.
More tomorrow…
-Dick
A OnePoll.com survey found that American couples are running out of "Date Night" ideas during quarantine.
- It's gotten so bad people are Binge Watching "The Real Housewives of Ferndale".
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Many on Social Media were aghast at the condition of Prince Harry's naked feet in the pic Meghan shared along with their Pregnancy news yesterday... and a British Podiatrist confirmed that Harry has Bunions.
- They’re painful, but not nearly as painful as the thorn Meghan is in Queen Elizabeth’s side.
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North Korean hackers tried breaking into computers at Pfizer to access information on a COVID Vaccine despite Kim Jong Un insisting that the country hasn't had a SINGLE CASE of COVID.
- Perhaps Lil Kim was looking for the formula for ANOTHER medicine that Pfizer makes?? You know… it starts with a “V” and ends in “gra”.
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A new survey of 2,000 Americans finds that #1 trait people look for in a potential partner is... Whether or not they’re a good cook. 63% of people say that's more important than "Someone I can Trust" and "Someone who makes me Laugh".
- I don't mean to brag, but I'm the TRIFECTA! You can Trust in the fact that you'll Laugh at my Cooking.
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A new study says Public support for marijuana legalization is growing.
- Like a Weed.
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A Mass Transit Authority worker in New York has resigned after he was caught having sex with a woman at a Railyard.
- His lawyer claims he was just checking out her Caboose.
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
THURSDAY… THURSDAY… THURSDAY…
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THURSDAY:
In order to be "More inclusive" Professors at the Australian National University are being encourage to replace the terms "mother" and "father" with "Gestational Parent" and "Non-Birthing Parent".
- I can hear it now, Your Gestational Parent saying to you… "Just wait til your Non-Birthing Parent gets home!"
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Scientists at Harvard now say that the Dinosaurs WERE NOT killed by an Asteroid after all, but were taken out by a Comet that "Pinballed" off Jupiter before slamming into Earth 66 Million years ago.
- There haven't been this many theories about how somebody bit the dust since Jimmy Hoffa.
CNN is reporting that President Biden likes to warm himself by the fire in the Oval Office and then goes to bed early.
- And falls asleep halfway through Matlock.
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The CDC is out with new COVID PSA's where they digitally add masks to characters in classic films like “Casablanca.”
- In the PSA Bogart looks at Sam's hands on the Piano and says, "Wash 'em again, Sam".
- Then he hands Ilsa a mask and says, "You're wearing this on that plane. If you don't, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon... And for the rest of your life - until you get a Vaccine."
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Speaking of Harry and Meghan... CBS announced that Oprah is going to have an "intimate conversation" with the couple for a 90-minute primetime special airing Sunday, March 7.
- Harry says he wants to set the record straight and Meghan is doing it for the NEW CAR from Oprah!!
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A "Woke" group is calling for Shakespeare to be eliminated from College Curriculums because they claim his plays are "Tools of Imperial Oppression" and represent "White Supremacy and Sexism".
- Wasn't it the Bard who said, "An Idiot by any other Name would still be as Stupid"??
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Germany is tightening its border lockdowns to keep out variant strains of the Coronavirus.
- But the Biden Administration has vowed to keep OUR Borders Open... saying "This is AMERICA… We not only welcome ALL virus strains… We put ‘em on the path to CITIZENSHIP!”
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Researchers say that spending two hours a week in the woods - a practice the Japanese call "Forest Bathing" - offers the same benefits as walking 10,000 steps a day.
- I was going to get in my 10,000 steps AND spend time in the woods... but I didn't have an extension cord long enough for my Treadmill.
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The Pentagon admitted it’s been testing debris that was recovered from UFO crashes and a spokesperson said the findings "May change our lives forever".
- Didn't the Pandemic ALREADY do that??
- If we get any more "Change" we're gonna have to open a Bank.
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Cher is leading a group of celebrities supporting Native Americans calling for the Dakota Access Pipeline to be shutdown.
- Cher feels a special affinity for Indians because as we all know, She was born in the Wagon of a Traveling Show. Her Momma Used to Dance for the Money They'd Throw… Daddy would do whatever he could. Preach a little Gospel. Sell a couple bottles of Doctor goods.
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Instagram Butt Model Anastasia Fields has used her new found fame to move from the brutal conditions in Siberia to New York City.
- You know what they say about Butt Models... They're best days are Behind them.
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House Democrats have hired a former gang member who was convicted of shooting two people as a "Senior Advisor for Diversity Outreach".
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New Zealand put its largest city into lockdown Sunday — after just one family tested positive for COVID-19.
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Officials say the new British strain of coronavirus could be 70% more deadly.
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"Revenge bedtime procrastination is just a cry from overworked people, and they're actually trying to put off bedtime just a little bit so they can reclaim something for themselves," Dasgupta said.
It's normal for people to want time to themselves at night, but it becomes an issue if they're tired during their waking hours due to lack of sleep, he said.
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TLC’s “1000-lb. Sisters” star Tammy Slayton has officially stated that she’s pansexual.
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A new no-gambling hotel is opening in Las Vegas that will be centered on fitness. But I don’t know what kind of sick pervert would go to a hotel like that.
Not only will it be centered on fitness, but it will also offer healthy meals and yoga classes.
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Gwyneth Paltrow recently joked about passing time during the COVID-19 pandemic by 'creating her own vibrator' after announcing the release of Goop's first sex toy on Valentine's Day.
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The internet continues to break Superbowl MVP Tom Brady’s chops as videos of him getting drunk at the Super Bowl boat parade are still circulating.
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A convicted felon landed himself back behind bars for allegedly carjacking a 16-year-old girl on Saturday just 20 minutes after he was released from prison in Washington state, authorities say.
Police responded to a neighborhood in Spokane at 10:28 p.m. on Saturday in response to a carjacking. Authorities said the suspect, Marcus Goodman, 31, approached the girl who told officers he had a gun and demanded her car before driving off.
It’s “National Pizza, Chocolate and Tooth Ache Day”!
- I’m goin’ for two out of three.
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A Los Angeles Times reporter is taking heat for writing a column calling her neighbors “Trump Supporting Nazi’s and Facists” after they surprised her by SHOVELING HER DRIVEWAY.
- If I lived next door to her… I’d tell her to Shove - uh, Shovel It herself.
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The man who streaked across the field in a hot pink Thong, bringing the Super Bowl to a momentary halt… claims he won $374,000 on a $50 bet that there would be a Streaker at the Game.
- Apparently Streaking is this weeks GameStop.
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The impeachment trial of former President Trump will be “paused” if it runs into the Sabbath, in order to accommodate a request from one of his lawyers, who is an observant Jew.
- Dems say they’ll do what ever it takes to get it done by Saturday… including working from Sunrise to Sunset. Sunrise… Sunset.
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Disney shelled out $5.6 MILLION for an ad promoting the new film “Raya and the Last Dragon” during the Super Bowl.
- In a related story… The Seven Dwarves are out of work because Joe Biden closed the Mine they work in.
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Patrick Mahomes’ fiancé Brittany Matthews was seen cradling her baby bump at the Super Bowl.
- Well at least we know Mahomes was able to complete a pass nine months ago.
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RIP… Mary Wilson, one of the founding members of the Supremes who has died at age 76.
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
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A rapper named Lil Uzi Vert a $26 MILLION Diamond surgically implanted into his Face.
- I think the real story here is that there’s a rapper named “Lil Uzi Vert”.
- I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure I had “Lil Uzi Vert” once at a French Restaurant.
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Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani downed three triple Scotches in the hours leading up to his infamous “Hair-Dye-Running-Down-His-Face-Press-Conferece… that according to the former CEO of Overstock.com.
- For more on this story, just click on OverServed.com.
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President Biden, left, has been accused of attempting to flirt with nurse Brittney Hayes, right, during a video conference call in which he told the woman - who’s been an RN for 9 years - “You look like a Freshman!”
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Local news station WFLA identified the man who ran onto the field during the fourth quarter of the game between the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Kansas City Chiefs wearing only a hot pink thong leotard and shorts as 31-year-old Yuri Andrade of Boca Raton, Florida. Andrade was booked under suspicion of trespassing before posting a $500 bond and being released Monday morning.
Andrade's run down the field ended with a tackle in the end zone from security, but CBS panned away from the stunt as it happened live. Nevertheless, people attending the game quickly spread footage of the stunt, and Kevin Harlan’s radio call of the incident went viral for his description of the streaking.
Andrade told NBC 6 that it was "kind of spur of the moment, a little bit of liquid courage and adrenaline rush" when he rushed onto the field. "It felt kind of like I was skydiving, so I rushed the field. The first thing I wanted to do was kiss Pat Mahomes on the cheek," he added. Andrade was also promoting the website of friend and social media personality Vitaly Zdorovetskiy, whose adult website name was written across Andrade's swimsuit.
"We've tried the Super Bowl four times - well, he's tried the Super Bowl four times - and I told him that if he bought me tickets, that I could guarantee him that I would streak on the field for him," Andrade said. He added that the stunt was "freezing cold," alleging that he was handcuffed for the first eight hours of his detainment before he was transferred to the police station, "where they were actually very kind and they were all laughing."
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COMMENTS
Andrade also claimed to have won $374,000 after betting on Sunday's game. SporstBetExpert shared a photo of Andrade on the field, claiming he'd placed a bet on someone streaking during the game. "Yesterday's Super Bowl streaker bet $50k on a prop bet at +750 that there would be a streaker at the SB," the company wrote. "Cost him $500 to get out of jail so he cleared $374k on the bet!" Andrade appeared to confirm the message in the comments, sharing the post and writing, "Dudes are good at math."
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The full ad spans a total of two minutes and can be viewed below, with the Super Bowl commercial running around the 30-second mark. In the ad, a narrator can be heard stating, "In the wake of the unimaginable. In the shadow of uncertainty. In the face of fear," as scenes from the past year play out on screen, including workers on the frontline of the coronavirus pandemic and the stock market crash. The narrator goes on to say, "It's time. To rediscover. Your hope. Your purpose. Your passion. Your potential. You. Because no matter what we may face. Nothing is stronger than the human spirit."
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Artificial Intelligence experts are warning that Sex Robots could be taken over by hackers and instructed to kill their owners.
Congrats to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers who blew out the Kansas City Chiefs, 31 to 9 giving Tom Brady a record 7th Super Bowl title out of 10 SB appearances… at the age of 43!! Regarding the Halftime Show…Somebody’s got some Splainin’ to Do… to me at least. A guy named the “Weeknd” and dozens of male dancers running around wearing some kind of Face-Mask/Jock Strap on their heads? Is this the new COVID thing? Last week they told us we should wear TWO MASKS… Now the 2nd one is supposed to be a JOCK STRAP??
The Game wasn’t nearly as good or competitive as everybody thought it would be. And neither were the commercials. They weren’t particularly funny and half the time I didn’t even know what product they were trying to sell. This is the first time I can remember actually taking a Bathroom Break during the Commercials.
Overall… Love watching Tom Brady and the Buccaneers… the Commercials and the Halftime Show… Not so much.
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President Trump’s second Impeachment trial gets underway in Washington today.
- And if it’s like most sequels, it will feature the same actors, but won’t be half as good as the Original.
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Nancy Pelosi is being called out for using a secret entrance to bypass Metal Detectors at the Capitol - a violation of a Rule that SHE IMPLEMENTED last week.
- In her defense, Nancy’s 80. Maybe she was afraid her “Medic Alert” bracelet would set the alarm off.
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A study by San Diego State University found that married couples are having sex 16 fewer times per year than they were 20 years ago.
- Well, duh. They’ve been married for 20 years!!!
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
Remember last week when I joked that someone would probably insist that the Buccaneers change their name??? Well… The Washington Post published an op-ed on Friday saying Pirates should be “Cancelled” because they were “Murderous Thieves” whose “Wicked Deeds” SHOULD NOT be “Glorified”.
- The article also called for Government Troops to break into Davy Jones’ Locker and search for weapons.
- Shiver Me Timbers! America is Screwed!
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Nissan has unveiled a van that doubles as an office pod for people who want to work remotely from their vehicle.
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Harris Poll found that 84% of Americans are experiencing Anger, Anxiety, or Sadness.
- The other 16% are experiencing all three.
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A Florida man’s mugshot has gone viral because he has a tattoo of the state of Florida on his face.
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- He’s also got a Tattoo of Rhode Island on his manhood… you know, cuz it’s the smallest State.
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A Harvard Professor claims that an alien space craft visited earth in 2017 to scout our planet on behalf of another civilization.
- Remember the good old days when you were actually UPSET if your kid didn’t get into Harvard??
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Pope Francis made headlines by appointing a woman as the Undersecretary of Bishops.
- I thought we weren’t allowed to call women “Secretaries” anymore… Am I the only one you can’t keep up??
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Suzanne Summers was interrupted on a Facebook Live Broadcast by a naked intruder who entered her home.
- He told Police he got lost on his way to the Super Bowl.
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Tom Brady no coffee, white sugar, processed flour or any dairy products.
Brady, 43, who recorded his seventh Super Bowl win last night as he steered the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to a comfortable 31-9 victory over the Kansas City Chiefs, even cuts out certain 'healthy' vegetables - such as tomatoes, eggplant, capsicum and mushrooms - because they can cause inflammation.
The father-of-three also only eats organic, has a gluten-free diet - and tries to drink at least five litres of water a day.
Fox News made headlines on Friday by firing longtime Fox Business anchor Lou Dobbs, who was the highest rated anchor in business television history.
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Over five million people watched the 17th Annual Broadcast of the Puppy Bowl yesterday
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Paul McCartney urged JC Penny to hire his longtime friend Herbert Becker as CEO.
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A former “60 Minutes” producer has written Tell-All book called “Ticking Clock - Behind the Scenes at “60 Minutes” book about the “talented a-holes” who he’s worked with over the years.
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Elon Musk shared a rare photo of his son, X AE A-XII.
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Super Bowl LV set a gambling record with over twenty-three million Americans wagering more than $4 billion dollars in bets on the NFL’S Championship Game. The most popular bet was a straight-up wager on the game. The second biggest gamble was White Castle.
Ten million people Live-Tweeted the game. True story. They were Live-Tweeting everywhere except Mar A Lago.
Over 100-million people were expected to watch the game. Unfortunately, the REFS were not one of them.
Budweiser sat out the commercials for the first time in its history. This was the year of CORONA in more ways than one.
There was a chance of rain before the game. But Tampa Bay is the strip club capital of the world, so they’re always making it rain!
Florida has more massage parlors than any other state in the country. And they were all pulling for Brady.
Unfortunately, a couple of them got flagged for ILLEGAL USE OF HANDS.
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Trailing by three points with under a minute left, Team Ruff's Big Boss Paulie (American Staffordshire Terrier and Dutch Shepherd mix) sprinted for a touchdown as the clock ran out. Team Ruff defeated Team Fluff in a final score of 73-69 to win Puppy Bowl XVII.
Team Ruff's captain got a "Chewy Lombarky Trophy," but really, all the dogs won.
Sunday's event featured 70 puppies from 22 different shelters. Pups were split up into two teams and placed in a canine-sized football stadium to compete for "touchdowns." The event also featured a national anthem performance, a halftime show, play-by-play commentary and a "rufferee."
ESPN play-by-play announcer Steve Levy and "SportsCenter" host Sage Steele provided human commentary. Longtime friends Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart served as hosts and Dan Schachner served as the game's "rufferee."
The real winner this Super Bowl is COVID': Critics blast maskless fans and lack of social distancing among 22,000 supporters as 30,000 cardboard cut outs are used to make stadium look more crowded
60 MIINUTES ETC… NEW BOOK.
Sawyer would be all smiles when she ran into Barbara Walters in ABC’s hallways, chuckling over rumors that the two were at odds — and dropping the act the moment Walters was out of range.
“Inside the elevator, Diane looked at me and said, ‘I hate that woman. Don’t believe a word she says. She knifes me any chance she gets,’ ” Rosen writes. “She had the look of someone who wanted vengeance.”
Mike Walace and Morley Safer didn’t speak for months because Mike stole sources etc… Meltdowns.
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“I’d rather work with a talented asshole than a nice person without talent,” Rosen writes in “Ticking Clock” (St. Martin’s), out Feb. 16, his memoir about his career at “60 Minutes” and its competitors, ABC’s “20/20” and “Primetime Live.”
In 1997, as Chris Wallace prepared a story on comedian Chris Rock, his father derailed it — by convincing Rock to do a sit-down with him instead, since “60 Minutes” had better ratings.
Ticking Clock: Behind the Scenes at 60 Minutes
“This was a betrayal on so many levels. I felt I had to call Mike,” Rosen writes.
“ ‘Mike, why would you rip off your kid?’ I asked.
“ ‘He’ll get over it,’ Mike replied.”
Rosen begged him to reconsider, saying, “Your choice is simple. You can have Chris speak at your funeral, or you can do the profile of Chris Rock.”
“Fifteen minutes later, Mike called. ‘I solved the problem. I gave the story to Ed Bradley.’ ”
Father and son did not speak to one another for nearly a year.
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Oculus launched its Quest 2 headset in October and the most popular experiences include National Geographic VR, which takes users to places such as Antarctica – where they can navigate icebergs in a kayak, climb an ice shelf and survive a raging snowstorm as they search for a lost emperor penguin colony.
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rget working from home -- this camper van is for those who want to "work from anywhere."
Inspired by the new realities of the Covid-19 era, Nissan's concept vehicle features a retractable office for remote workers and digital nomads. Dubbed Office Pod Concept, the mobile workspace comes with a modified Cosm chair by US furniture-maker Herman Miller, and desk space big enough for a large computer monitor.
Because of COVID, the CDC is suggesting that no one clap or cheer during the Super Bowl - but instead, to stomp your feet and use your hands
- I’ve got an idea for a hand gesture…
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Dr. Fauci also recommends cutting back on Alcohol during the game… because being Tipsy will make you less like to follow COVID safety guidelines.
- This will be the first Super Bowl in history where the Fans will get more Facemask Penalties than the Players.
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The Usual Suspects are calling for the Super Bowl-bound Kansas City “Chiefs” to change their name to something “less offensive”.
- And what about the Tampa Bay “Buccaneers”?? Somewhere out there, there’s a group of Pirates who are Outraged over THAT one, too.
- What’s next… Police and Fire “Chiefs”??
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Are you able to feel “Compersion”? It’s the new buzz word among sex therapists who describe it as
“Feeling love for your partner as they enjoy Something or Someone Else”.
- I’m okay with the “SomeTHING Else” part… The “SomeONE Else” part… Not so much.
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Prince Harry on Monday reached a settlement with the British tabloid “The Mail” for claiming he snubbed the Royal Marines after stepping down as a senior royal - and accepted an apology and financial damages.
- Actually, Harry accepted the apology… MEGHAN accepted the money.
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It’s National “Thank a Mailman Day”!
- So be sure to thank your Mail Carrier when - and if - he or she shows up today!!
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The Senate has confirmed Pete Buttigieg - who told NPR he has “A personal love for transportation” as Transportation Secretary.
- I have a personal love for Rutabega but I don’t think Biden’s gonna make me Secretary of Agriculture.
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Jeff Bezos has announced he's resigning as CEO of Amazon. He says he's leaving to devote more time to his true passion…
- … Ruling the Universe.
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!
-Dick
An aerobics instructor in Myanmar has gone viral after filming herself dancing without realizing a military coup was happening behind her.
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“Jeopardy!” has announced even more upcoming guest hosts to take over the podium for the late Alex Trebek, including Anderson Cooper, Dr. Oz, Savannah Guthrie, and Dr. Sanjay Gupta.
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The Staten Island Zoo is being accused of pre-recording their supposedly live groundhog event. New York is currently covered in snow, but the video they posted shows none.
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The Blue Man Group is ending it's fourteen-year run at Universal Studios Orlando after being closed since the start of the pandemic.
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In a new interview, Britney Spears says she wants to meditate more in 2021.
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The internet is still buzzing after LeBron James got into a verbal fight with a pair fans during a game this week.
GENIUS AWARDS
AND TODAY’S GENIUS AWARD GOES TO……
Pasco County, FL -- A recently arrested 22-year-old man is CLEARLY a “Florida Man,” as his stupid face tattoo clearly shows… Matthew Leatham was arrested around 4:45 a.m. Sunday after he twice “called 9-1-1 to find a ride home,” according to a court complaint which notes that the accused “cursed at the call taker during the call.”
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FEB 4, 2004
Mark Zuckerberg launches Facebook from his Harvard dormitory room
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A theme park in Dubai has broken the world record for the tallest swing ride.
Measuring 460 feet, the Bollywood Skyflyer at Bollywood Parks Dubai lifts riders up to a height that is equivalent to that of a 42-story skyscraper and spins them around in a circle for a thrilling airborne adventure.
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Mori was quoted as saying women are "annoying" because they can talk too much during meetings. He reportedly made the comment after he was asked about increasing the Olympic Committee’s ratio of females on the board to 40%, according to the Japanese newspaper Asahi Shimbun.
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Beauty is pain!' Rapper Lil Uzi Vert gets a massive 11 karat pink diamond worth upwards of $24million pierced to his FOREHEAD
Oregon’s law decriminalizing small amounts of all street drugs went into effect on Monday meaning those found with personal-use amounts of drugs — including heroin, cocaine, methamphetamine, LSD, oxycodone and ecstasy — will now face a $100 fine instead of a criminal charge.
- For Charlie Sheen this is like Mardi Gras, St. Patricks Day and Christmas Morning all rolled into one.
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Swedish Furniture Giant Ikea has reportedly purchased 11,000 acres of forest in Georgia.
- So now, instead of just putting the wooden furniture together… they’re gonna make you plant the tree used to make it.
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A study by Researchers at the University of Cambridge reveals that LSD actively changes the way the brain processes information, freeing it from the boundaries set by nature.
- You can read the study… or just look at video of a Grateful Dead concert.
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For the second year in a row, the Pandemic has caused Spain’s famous “Running of the Bulls” in Pamplona to be cancelled.
- So now if you want to see a bunch of drunken, grown men run through the streets screaming, you’ll have to go to an Antifa Rally in Portland.
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Celebrities are spending hundreds of dollars for designer clothes that look like they are bursting at the seems.
- I achieve the same look by putting on pants I owned before the lock downs and I didn’t have to spend a dime.
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President Biden said he intends to keep his family and his administration separate as reports surrounding the business dealings of his son and brothers have raised questions of potential impropriety.
- Luckily, Hunter Biden already got a Summer Internship lined up with Xi Jinping in China.
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Every single state in the US -- including Hawaii -- will reach below freezing temperatures next Monday morning.
- How cold is it going to be? It’s gonna be so cold even Bernie Sanders Mittens will be wearing gloves.
- It’s going to be so cold in Hawaii women are being encouraged to cover up their Pineapples.
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Wikipedia announced a new “Universal Code of Conduct” The code designed to “Prevent the abuse of power and influence to intimidate others, and the deliberate introduction of false or inaccurate content”.
- Wait… isn’t getting “Inaccurate content” the WHOLE POINT of Wikipedia??
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Elon Musk says he’s implanted wires in a Monkey’s brain to see if he can teach it to play video games.
- Read all about it in the new book, “Curious George Goes to GameStop”.
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Yesterday, Punxsutawney Phil predicted six more weeks of Winter.
- On a bright note, we’re now down to 5 weeks and 6 days!
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An Ohio salt truck driver is accused of trying to run over police, then leading them on a car chase while dumping salt on their squad cars to keep them from chasing him.
- Why didn’t they just douse the Salt guy with Pepper Spray?
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Prince Harry on Monday reached a settlement with the British tabloid “The Mail” for claiming he snubbed the Royal Marines after stepping down as a senior royal - and accepted an apology and financial damages.
- Actually, Harry accepted the apology… MEGHAN accepted the money.
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The Mayor of Amsterdam is threatening to ban foreign tourists from visiting the city’s Cannabis Cafes.
- They’ll just have to find another Joint to get stoned in.
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Kraft is releasing a new pink macaroni and cheese for Valentine's day.
- It’s perfect if your wife is the kind you likes Cheesy, Mushy Valentines.
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Netflix has reportedly bought the rights to make a movie about the GameStop stock story.
- Since it involves "Short Selling”… Tom Cruise has been cast in the lead role.
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In a new interview, Angelina Jolie shares what she's learned from quarantining with her kids.
- It’s basically the same thing we’ve all learned… It’s time to open the schools.
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The CDC is suggesting that no one clap or cheer during the Super Bowl - but to stomp your feet and use your hands instead.
- I’ve got an idea for a hand gesture…
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First Lady Dr. Jill Biden, sent the Obamas a hamper of vegetables picked from the White House Kitchen Garden, which was planted by the then First Lady Michelle Obama in 2009.
- Apparetly the Biden’s don’t like Kale either.
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The San Francisco United School District is changing the name of its Visual and Performing Arts department, known as VAPA because they say “Acronyms are a symptom of White Supremecy Culture”.
- Here’s an Acronym for ‘em… FUBAR!
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Speaking of San Fran… the SF School Board is considering doing away with grand and standardized testing requirements for admission… and may use a random lottery system to accept which kids get into the elite high school.
- And you thought it was hard to get kids to do their homework now…
- We’re raising a bunch of people who are going to say, “I don’t need to study… I’m gonna win the LOTTERY!!!”
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Amsterdam officials are considering moving it’s famous Red Light District because American tourists tend to “take pictures” of the working girls… but don’t actually purchase their services.
- Well you know the old expression, “A Picture Says a Thousand Words… And It Doesn’t Require Antibiotics”.
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The company that owns the Empire State Building announced that for the first time in it’s history, the historic skyscraper is being run completely on Solar Wind Power.
- There making a movie about it called “An Af-Air to Remember”.
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coalition of Native American groups has put up billboards in the Kansas City area to protest the tomahawk chop and Chiefs’ name. A protest is planned outside Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, site of Sunday’s game against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and the coalition has hired a plane to fly around the area. A few thousand people have signed onto two online petitions, one of them started by a fourth-grader.
The Chiefs made some changes in the fall, barring headdresses and war paint and making a subtle alteration to the chop, with cheerleaders using a closed first instead of an open palm to signal the beating of a drum.
Oregon decriminalized street drugs worth less that $100 on Monday including heroin, cocaine, meth, LSD, oxy and ecstasy.
- For Charlie Sheen this is like Mardi Gras, St. Patricks Day and Christmas Morning all rolled into one.
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Yesterday, Punxsutawney Phil predicted six more weeks of Winter.
- The good news is… we’re now down to just 5 weeks and 6 days!
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President Biden's Climate czar, John Kerry, took a PRIVATE JET to Iceland in 2019 to receive the Arctic Circle Award for CLIMATE LEADERSHIP.
- People today are wimps. When the VIKINGS got THEIR awards for winning battles, they didn’t take a plane… They took a BOAT! Sure they may have KILLED a few PEOPLE… but they CARED about the ENVIRONMENT!
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Swedish Furniture Giant Ikea has reportedly purchased 11,000 acres of forest in the state of Georgia.
- So now, instead of just putting the wooden furniture together… they’re gonna make you plant the tree used to make it.
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A study by Researchers at the University of Cambridge reveals that LSD actively changes the way the brain processes information, freeing it from the boundaries set by nature.
- If you don’t believe this… check out pictures of the crowds at Woodstock in 1969.
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For the second year in a row, the Pandemic has caused Spain’s famous “Running of the Bulls” in Pamplona to be cancelled.
- So now if you want to see a bunch of drunk, grown men run through the streets screaming, you’ll have to go to an Antifa Rally in Portland, Oregon.
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
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Celebrities are spending hundreds of dollars for designer clothes that look like they are “bursting at the seems”.
- You can achieve the same look AND save a ton of money by putting on a pair of pants that don’t fit you anymore because you’ve been eating so much during the Lockdown.
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President Biden said he intends to keep his family and his administration separate as reports surrounding the business dealings of his son and brothers have raised questions of potential impropriety.
- Luckily, Hunter Biden already got a Summer Internship lined up with Xi Jinping in China.
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Every single state in the US -- including Hawaii -- will reach below freezing temperatures next Monday morning.
- How cold is it going to be? It’s gonna be so cold even Bernie Sanders Mittens will be wearing gloves.
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Wikipedia announced a new “Universal Code of Conduct” The code designed to “Prevent the abuse of power and influence to intimidate others, and the deliberate introduction of false or inaccurate content”.
- Wait… isn’t getting “Inaccurate content” the WHOLE POINT of Wikipedia??
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Elon Musk says he’s implanted wires in a Monkey’s brain to see if he can teach it to play video games.
- Read all about it in the new book, “Curious George Goes to GameStop”.
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An Ohio salt truck driver is accused of trying to run over police, then leading them on a car chase while dumping salt on their squad cars to keep them from chasing him.
- Why didn’t they just douse the Salt guy with Pepper Spray?
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Prince Harry on Monday reached a settlement with the British tabloid “The Mail” for claiming he snubbed the Royal Marines after stepping down as a senior royal - and accepted an apology and financial damages.
- Actually, Harry accepted the apology… MEGHAN accepted the money.
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The Mayor of Amsterdam is threatening to ban foreign tourists from visiting the city’s Cannabis Cafes.
- They’ll just have to find another Joint to get stoned in.
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Kraft is releasing a new pink macaroni and cheese for Valentine's day.
- It’s perfect if your wife is the kind you likes Cheesy, Mushy Valentines.
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Netflix has reportedly bought the rights to make a movie about the GameStop stock story.
- Since it involves "Short Selling”… Tom Cruise has been cast in the lead role.
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In a new interview, Angelina Jolie shares what she's learned from quarantining with her kids.
- It’s basically the same thing we’ve all learned… It’s time to open the schools.
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The CDC is suggesting that no one clap or cheer during the Super Bowl - but to stomp your feet and use your hands instead.
- I’ve got an idea for a hand gesture…
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First Lady Dr. Jill Biden, sent the Obamas a hamper of vegetables picked from the White House Kitchen Garden, which was planted by the then First Lady Michelle Obama in 2009.
- Apparetly the Biden’s don’t like Kale either.
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The San Francisco United School District is changing the name of its Visual and Performing Arts department, known as VAPA because they say “Acronyms are a symptom of White Supremecy Culture”.
- Here’s an Acronym for ‘em… FUBAR!
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Speaking of San Fran… the SF School Board is considering doing away with grand and standardized testing requirements for admission… and may use a random lottery system to accept which kids get into the elite high school.
- And you thought it was hard to get kids to do their homework now…
- We’re raising a bunch of people who are going to say, “I don’t need to study… I’m gonna win the LOTTERY!!!”
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Amsterdam officials are considering moving it’s famous Red Light District because American tourists tend to “take pictures” of the working girls… but don’t actually purchase their services.
- Well you know the old expression, “A Picture Says a Thousand Words… And It Doesn’t Require Antibiotics”.
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The company that owns the Empire State Building announced that for the first time in it’s history, the historic skyscraper is being run completely on Solar Wind Power.
- There making a movie about it called “An Af-Air to Remember”.
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TUESDAY:
A Texas police chief has resigned after it was revealed he was leading a “Triple Life”… with a Wife, a Fiancé and at least Seven Girlfriends - all of whom have abandoned him.
- On a bright note… that’s 9 Valentine’s Day gifts he doesn’t have to buy.
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UPDATE: The British Man who’s “Chasity Cage” was locked in position by Hackers demanding money - was forced to use bolt cutters to “Free his Manhood” and injured himself in the process.
- There’s even a movie coming out about it… “Free Willy 2”
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Experts now say it’s possible to test positive for COVID even AFTER getting the Vaccine.
- But the jokes on them since most of us can’t even GET the vaccine in the first place. I’m on more “Waitlists” than Prince Andrew during Prom Season.
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White House officials are arguing over whether to call Myanmar’s military takeover a “Coup” over fears they will “anger China”.
- And if China gets mad… they may withhold the money Hunter Biden needs to pay for Spring Break.
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A new study conducted by Ohio State University finds Tattoo Artists are vulnerable to chronic injury because they spend long hours in body-crippling positions without ergonomic seating support.
- Am I the only one who brings a comfortable seat cushion for their Tattoo guy every time I get some new Ink??
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China says it will continue to use “Butt Swabs” to test for coronavirus because “The results are more reliable”.
- They may be Communists, but they’ll bend over backwards to keep their people safe.
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
Chuck Schumer continues to be mocked for flubbing the word “Insurrection” and saying that President Trump “Incited an Erection” at the Capitol.
- Well, in his defense, it WAS an Uprising.
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Yesterday Florida's Chief Financial Officer told the International Olympic Committee that the state would be “Happy to host the 2021Olympics Games” amid speculation that current hosts Japan may back out.
- Florida would even add some new events including “Early Bird Pole Vaulting”, “Early Bird Floor Exercise” and ”Early Bird Broad Jumping”.
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An important heads-up for iPhone owners: Apple is warning customers that its Mmartphones could interfere with medical devices, including pacemakers.
- In a related story, those with Breast Implants should be careful not to snap them shut in their Flip Phones.
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Experts from the University of Minnesota announced that in the future, Dogs and Cats may need vaccinations to stop the spread of COVID.
- And you thought if was hard to get an appointment for yourself now.
- Sometime people report standing in line for hours… but at least nobody pees on the ground while they’re waiting for their shot.
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Mexican President Manuel Lopez Obrador has tested positive for COVID but says he’s feeling good.
- Not surprising. This guy “Drinks the water” in Mexico everyday. I don’t think a little virus is going to hurt him.
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President Biden is going to push Congress for another $1.9 trillion dollars in stimulus relief that will include $1,400 checks.
- And since Joe’s pushin’ 80… Look for your check to arrive in a Birthday Card signed, “Love, Grandpa”.
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
Political Insiders say Donald Trump is working on plans for his “Presidential Library”.
- Actually… it’ll be more like a “Tweet Kiosk”.
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California Health Officials believe the state may have its own homegrown strain of COVID-19 that’s responsible for the dramatic rise in cases.
- This wouldn’t be the first “Homegrown Strain” of something to come out of LaLa Land.
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A study by the University of Bristol found that common pesticides keep bees and flies up all night.
- Which means the male Bees are so exhausted the next day they can’t finish their Honey Do list.
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An Ohio High School Teacher who was regularly having sex with a male student before school has been sentenced to two years in prison.
- On a bright note… the student got A LOT of extra credit for his work.
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75 year old Dolly Parton told People Magazine what her Dad said years ago when her home town announced that they were putting up a statue of her. He said “To your fans out there you might be some sort of an idol. But to them pigeons, you ain't nothing but another outhouse."
- Albeit a Top-Heavy Outhouse.
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Bad News… The $45 Bernie Sanders Meme Sweatshirt - featuring a pic of him huddled at the Inauguration in his Mittens - has sold out on his official website.
- It sold out even faster than the Hillary Clinton Pantsuit Collection did back in in 1992.
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“My Pillow” CEO Mike Lindell has been PERMANTLY BANNED from Twitter for pushing election fraud theories the company brands “Misinformation”.
- I found out about it in a Tweet from Hillaria Baldwin.
- It was in Spanish… but I’m pretty sure she said “Good Riddance!”
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Prince Andrew’s Financial Company could be on the verge of collapse due to his ties to Jeffrey Epstein.
- Bottom line: If he wants to maintain his Royal Lifestyle… his girlfriend’s going to have to sell a boatload of Thin Mints come Springtime.
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Tampa Bay will become the first team in history to play a Super Bowl in its home stadium.
- I was thinking how great it would be if the Lions could play in the Super Bowl in their home Stadium! Or ANY Stadium for that matter.
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A 20-year-old housekeeper in Vegas stole pairs of women’s underwear from a Hotel Room he was cleaning and and left his phone number and a note saying “Call me if you want to buy your panties back”. Police traced the number and arrested him.
- The guys said he was just trying to make a little extra cash to supplement his REAL CAREER as a “Thong and Dance Man”.
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A former TSA agent who was accused of tricking an airline passenger into showing him her breasts as she passed through security has been sentenced to sixty days behind bars.
- That’s 30 days for each one.
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Prince William’s wife Kate Middleton raised eyebrows by WEARING PLAID in a recent Zoom call - despite the widely accepted practice in the style world to avoid wearing plaid outside the month of December.
- How could she not know that??? I’m afraid I’m going to have to Unfollow her on Instagram.
“Are You Lonesome Tonight?” by Elvis Presley hits #1
JAN 26, 1961
The first woman personal physician to a U.S. President - Janet G. Travell (to John F. Kennedy)
JAN 26, 1962
Bishop Burke of the Buffalo Catholic dioceses declares Chubby Checker's “The Twist” to be impure and bans it from all Catholic schools
JAN 26, 1998
President Bill Clinton says “I want to say one thing to the American people; I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky”
The pilot program unveiled Monday, called Birdwatch, adopts a Wikipedia-like ‘community-driven’ approach to fact-checking
It allows users, called 'Birdwatchers' to identify tweets they think contain inaccuracies or false information and write notes to provide context
No account or tweet is exempt from annotation, meaning users will be able to add ‘context’ to tweets posted by news outlets and elected officials
Critics of the new feature have been quick to point out the risk that such a system could be abused to target legitimate commentary from a minority view
Twitter said it wants to focus on making Birdwatch ‘resistant to manipulation attempts and ensure 'it isn’t dominated by a simple majority or biased'
Twitter did not specify whether users would face any disciplinary measures if their posts are frequently annotated, or if they often annotate in bad faith
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A new Bill has been introduced in New York that would make it legal for Prostitutes to SELL sex - but BUYING sex would still be illegal.
- Thus the old adage, What’s Good for the Goose… is NOT Good for the “Gooser”.
The picture of Bernie Sanders sitting alone at the Biden Inauguration wearing a pair of sensible mittens has resulted in thousands of photoshopped “Mitten Memes” on the Internet.
- If only Bernie had been around during the OJ Trial it would have been “If the Mitten Ain’t Fittin’… You Must Be Aquittin’…”
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Bernie admitted that he’s having “fun” with the countless “Mitten Memes”.
- This is big news! The last time Bernie admitted to “Having Fun” was when he went to Moscow on his Honeymoon and did shots with Josef Stalin.
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It will be 43 year old Tom Brady and 25 year old Patrick Mahomes in the Super Bowl on Feb. 7.
- Mahomes was in kindergarten when Brady won his 1st SB in 2002 (True!) … So Brady was winning the Super Bowl while Mahomes was having Fruit Loops in his Cereal Bowl.
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Despite ignoring scandals and the FBI investigation into his $$$ with China and Ukraine, the Mainstream Media FINALLY ran a Hunter Biden story Sunday… which was that Hunter had his father stop for bagels on the way back from Church.
- Call me crazy but doesn’t this sound like the beginnings of another Political Schmear Campaign??
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According to a new study, you CAN’T be "fat but fit”… with the European Society of Cardiology saying that physical activity DOES NOTHING to cancel the harmful effects of excess body weight on cardiovascular health.
- Put in layman’s terms… Jogging to the front door to pick up the Pizza you had delivered porch to your ain’t gonna cut it.
- It really doesn’t matter since most American’s gave up their New Year’s Resolution to exercise on January 2nd anyway.
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A rare snowfall blanketed Malibu, California Friday night surprising residents with fine white powder when they woke up Saturday morning.
- Experts blamed on on one of two things: Climate Change or another wild party at Charlie Sheen’s place.
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RIP… Larry King who passed away Saturday at the age of 87.
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
The Mainstream Media positively gushed over the New President with CNN’s David Chalian saying the lights on the National Mall’s reflecting pool were like “Extensions of Joe Biden’s arms embracing America”.
- Does that make the Washington Monument like an “Extension of Joe’s nose sniffing a woman’s hair”??
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President Joe Biden warned his staff about a sure fire way to lose their jobs, saying “If I hear you treat another colleague with disrespect - or talk down to them - I will fire you on the spot”.
- So we’ve gone from 4 years of “Jerry Springer” to “Mr. Biden’s Neighborhood”.
- Then Joe put on a cardigan and read a story to everybody.
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President Trump surprised Joe Biden by leaving him a “very generous” note a drawer in the Oval Office desk.
- And Bill Clinton surprised Joe by leaving a “very generous” Intern underneath it.
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Speaking of Bill… The 74 year old former Prez appeared to be nodding off during Wednesday’s inauguration ceremony for President Joe Biden.
- You’d fall asleep too if you’d been up all night listening to Hillary screaming “IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!!!”
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Shortly after President Joe Biden was sworn into office Wednesday, Amazon congratulated him on his Inauguration and offered their extensive resources to help the new administration in its vaccination effort.
- Gosh… what a remarkable coincidence that the idea JUST OCCURRED to Jeff Bezos minutes after Trump left office! We’ve been saying it for a month… but I guess Jeff doesn’t read this blog.
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Vice President Kamala Harris, Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama all stepped out in purple for the inauguration of President Joe Biden on Wednesday in Washington, D.C. - which some say symbolized the “mixing of Red and Blue America”.
- That… and the fact that dark colors are slimming. (Calm down ladies… I’m just kidding!)
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A new study found that turning your computer camera off during work meetings can save the environment.
And if your name is Jeffrey Toobin… it can also save you a lot of embarrassment.
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Three former Presidents - Clinton, Bush and Obama - attended the ceremony.
- Former Presidents not able to make the event were Jimmy Carter and Mr. Belvedere.
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Kwame Kilpatrick was out of prison and back home with his family last night after having his prison sentence slashed by 20 years by outgoing President Trump.
- It’s good news for everybody except Kwame’s cellmate who’d gotta find another date for the Prison’s upcoming Spring Dance.
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Adult Actress Lonna Wells says she was fired from her job at an Arkansas Taco Bell after a customer recognized her from her work in Internet Porn.
- Who among us hasn’t lost a job at some point for our work on the Internet??
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A South Carolina couple was arrested for filming themselves having sex on a Ferris Wheel.
- On her way to jail, the woman said “The Ferris Wheel thing was fun”… but not as fun as riding the“Wild Mouse”.
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People with binoculars were able to catch a glimpse of Uranus last night.
- Those without binoculars were able to look at pictures of Kim Kardashian.
- Astronomers say there’s an easy way to recognize Uranus… It’s the only planet with a crack right down the middle.
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“Saint Maud” is being called the first “must-see” horror movie of 2021. It tells the story of a possessed woman who believes God is telling her to do terrible things.
- But enough about Joy Behar.
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Rapper “A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie” is being accused of clogging all the toilets at the New Jersey Mansion he was renting.
- He’s temporarily going by the name “A Bummer I Got No Plumber”.
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All the dignitaries aside, some say the star of yesterday’s Inauguration was the “bespecklled, masked man of mystery” who wiped down the podium with disinfectant between speeches.
President Trump granted 150 pardons during his final hours in office that included former Advisor Steve Bannon and Rapper Lil Wayne.
Police say a Hellertown woman accused of stealing cigarettes and Mentos from a gas station convenience store tried to flee in an ambulance, but couldn’t drive it. 19-year-old
Investigators say a tip from a convenience store clerk about a stolen donut led them to arrest a man accused of impersonating a police officer. The tip came from a 7-Eleven in Lehi on Sunday. According to an arrest report, police were told that a man wearing a “sheriff’s deputy” jacket had stolen a donut earlier in the day and left in a white Ford truck.
The President departed the White House at 8:00 a.m. and was on the ground in Florida with an hour to go in his Presidency.
In the end, Trump was like a foul-mouthed construction worker who said a lot of crazy things, but built a lot of great stuff too.
Uranus is going to be on view for the world to see tonight. NASA reports the ice giant will be on view January 20 a few hours after sundown. The seventh planet from the Sun shines at the edge of naked-eye visibility, especially in areas with light pollution, so it's notoriously hard to view.But stargazers with a telescope or binoculars should be able to spot it hanging in the night sky between the moon and Mars.
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The Researchers at Yale, MIT, and Purdue found that streaming video from your computer will increase your carbon footprint.
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An Alabama divorce lawyer was accused of masturbating in front of a female client and demanding oral sex.
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Vladimir Putin celebrated the Orthodox Epiphany in Moscow by taking a dip in freezing water.
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Fox News fired longtime political editor Chris Stirewalt after he upset viewers with his election night coverage.
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Vogue Magazine is going to release a new Kamala Harris cover after complaints that the original lightened her skin.
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Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s marriage issues will be featured on the next season of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians.”
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President Trump left the White House this morning… and took his final ride on President to begin his life as a Private Citizen in Palm Beach, Florida.
- Some people are wondering what he’ll do now. I’m wondering what CNN is going to talk about for the next four years.
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President Trump reportedly DID leave a note in the Oval Office for Joe Biden despite predictions that he would break with the long standing tradition among Presidents.
- Who could forget the note Bill Clinton accidentally left for George W. Bush? As I recall, it started… “Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me…”
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New York Times editor Lauren Wolfe was ridiculed on social media Tuesday for hyping the arrival of President-elect Joe Biden in D.C. yesterday Tweeting, “Biden landing at Joint Are Andrews now… I have chills”.
- I don’t mean to throw a blanket on her excitement, but aren’t chills one of the symptoms of COVID?
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Joe Biden will be sworn in as the 46th President of the United States today at 12:00 noon. when he places his hand on Abraham Lincoln’s Bible.
- That Bible has special meaning for Joe… Turns out he went to grammar school with Mary Todd and is actually the one who introduced her to Abe at a Square Dance.
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President Trump pardoned and/or commuted the sentences of 143 people last night… Among them, our own Kwame Kilpatrick - setting him free 20 years early.
- Apparently Trump thinks Kwame is the perfect guy to (Done Did) set him up for a comeback.
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Lady Gaga will sing the National Anthem at Biden’s scaled-down Inauguration.
- She wasn’t Joe first choice but someone had to break the news to him that The McGuire Sisters weren’t alive anymore.
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Vladimir Putin was photographed in nothing but swim trunks immersing in icy water as part of an Orthodox Christian ritual to mark the feast of Epiphany.
- Vlad loves to be photographed half-naked. He’s basically the Kim Kardashian of Communists.
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Researchers at Oxford University found that there is no limit to the benefits of exercise to the heart, so the more active you are the longer you’ll live. True story. You can live forever if you don’t mind spending the whole time on an exercise bike.
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A new study found that driving past more fast-food restaurants on the way to school will not impact a child’s weight. Now, stopping at them is another story…
- All we have to do to find out if the study is accurate is to OPEN THE SCHOOLS.
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A Florida woman who refused to wear a mask wound up getting arrested after she flipped out on the staff at a Bagel Shop.
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Guatemalan troops broke up the massive caravan of migrants who were marching to the United States to make Biden make good on his promise of Open Borders.
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Dominion Software has sent a cease-and-desist order to My Pillow CEO Mike Lindell for accusing them of hacking the election.
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Speaking of the that.. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have stopped going to marriage counseling as their divorce draws near.
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Gwyneth Paltrow’s $75 vagina scented candle reportedly exploded inside a British woman’s home.
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The New York Mets fired General Manager Jared Porter after a report claimed he sent unsolicited photos of his penis to a female reporter in 2016.
- This is why I never send pics of my privates to anyone unless their Solicited.
President Trump is planning to fly out of Washington, D.C. at 8:00 a.m. Wednesday Morning, meanwhile the White House staff is spending the day carrying out the First Couples stuff out to waiting trucks.
- The Trumps had hoped to be out of the White House yesterday… but you know how hard it is to get people to help you move on the weekends.
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Joe Biden says he plans to reverse the President's travel ban from certain Muslim majority nations and rejoin the Paris Climate Change Accord on his first day in office.
- And then he’s gonna take a nap.
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On her Podcast "You and Me Both," Hilary Clinton told Nancy Pelosi that she’d like to see President Trump’s phone records to see if he was “On the phone with Vladimir Putin” during the Capitol riot.
- Trump said he’d email her the phone records… if only she could find her Server.
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Happy Birthday to Dolly Parton who turns The Big 7-5 today!
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Betty White celebrated her 99th Birthday yesterday with a party that insiders say got a bit crazy.
- They’re even making a movie about it… “Golden Girl Gone Wild”.
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Researchers believe that a prehistoric Pig painting discovered in Indonesia is the world's oldest depiction of an animal painted 45,000 years ago.
- But you gotta admit the BEST animal painting EVER is still the Five Dogs Playing Poker.
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A California man with a fear of catching COVID was arrested after living at O'Hare International Airport in Chicago for the past three months.
- He maybe afraid of COVID but apparently he’s not afraid of paying 9 bucks for a hot dog.
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A North Dakota man who was wearing a "Don’t Do Drugs" t-shirt was arrested for possession of methamphetamines.
- Maybe he meant PRESCRIPTION drugs??
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Switzerland is going to hold a direct vote on removing the Government's legal authority to order Lock-downs.
- A poll showed 5% of the Swiss are for Lockdowns, 5% are against ‘em, and - just like in WWII, the majority of the Swiss are Neutral.
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Legendary music producer Phil Spector, who lent his “Wall of Sound” to groups including the Ronettes, the Righteous Brothers and the Beatles, died of COVID over the weekend while serving a 19 year prison term for shooting a woman to death back in 2003. Over his career, he produced 19 Top Ten Hits including 5 #1’s…
- And of course that one Hit “With a Bullet”.
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Controversial YouTuber Pewdie Pie is making a comeback to social media after a four-year hiatus to the delight of his 108 MILLION followers.
- Well… 108 MILLION and ONE if you count me.
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MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell says that because of his support of President Trump, Kohl’s and Bed Bath & Beyond have stopped carrying MyPillow products.
- The CEO’s said they didn’t make the decision lightly… the “Slept on it”. And thanks to their MyPillows… it was the best night sleep they ever had!
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UPDATE ON A STORY WE BROUGHT TO YOU LAST WEEK: The 35 year old Russian weight-loss influencer Marina Balmasheva who married her 21-year old Step-Son after divorcing HIS father, gave birth to her Stepson’s baby on Sunday!
- Just when you thought the world was spinning out of control… a heart warming story like this drops in our lap!
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Pamela Anderson told Piers Morgan during an interview that “Vegans Make Better Lovers”.
- Apparently there’s nothing more romantic than cozying up with a guy who just downed a can of Baked Beans with a side of Brussel Sprouts.
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A group of Cannabis activists in Washington D.C. announced that they’ll hand out FREE WEED at vaccination sites to entice more people to get the Vaccine.
On this day in 2013 Lance Armstrong admitted to doping in all seven of his Tour de France victories.
- Sure it’s old news… but I thought it was worth Re-Cycling.
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Hacker’s took control of a Smartphone App that controls “Chastity Cages” and demanded ransom before releasing their “hostages” from the metal device that “Snaps Closed” around a man’s private parts.
- Am I the only guy who got halfway through that sentence before crossing my legs?
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The Feds have reached a settlement with a Fertility-Tracking App that was informing Facebook when it’s users were Ovulating.
- So… The President of the United States isn’t allowed on Facebook but Mark Zuckerberg gets to know when your wife is fertile?? Am I missing something here??
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The CIA has released all of its documents on “Unidentified Aerial Phenomena” - in other words - UFO’s -and you can read the reports online.
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A new study found that coffee drinkers are less likely to develop prostate cancer.
- Especially if they’re women.
Clinton lost to Trump in 2016 and said it is clear that Trump has a disdain for democracy, but its true depths may never be known. She said the president had "other agendas" while in the White House and hopes that one day it becomes known who exactly the president was "beholden to" and "who pulls his strings."
"I would love to see his phone records to see if he was talking to Putin the day the insurgents invaded our Capitol," she said. She asked Pelosi if she believed the country would benefit from a 9/11-commission-type probe to investigate what exactly led up to the deadly riot.
Pelosi said she is in favor of such a commission and she recalled telling the president that, "With you, Mr. President, all roads lead to Putin."
"I don’t know what Putin has on him politically, financially or personally, but what happened last week was a gift to Putin because Putin wants to undermine democracy in our country and throughout the world," Pelosi said. She said those that took part in the riot were "Putin’s puppets."
In 2018, Fair Haven residents elected Lincoln the goat as its honorary mayor. Lincoln helped raise about $10,000 while the current mayor, Murfee, a Cavalier King Charles spaniel, has raised $20,000, Town Manager Joe Gunter told the Rutland Herald. The town chipped in another $20,000.
Starbucks is expected to commit employees to help optimize vaccination sites, with a focus on patient experience, the company said. They will also help with scalable solutions for equitable access and expanding site selection across 39 counties and 29 tribal nations. The governor of Washington State.
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The Secret Service is launching a massive defensive operation to protect Joe Biden’s Inauguration.
- Why did they announce it?? Doesn’t that blow the whole “Secret” part??
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The United States is going to require negative COVID results for all international travelers arriving here starting next week.
- So if you’re overseas, looking to visit the States and are COVID Positive… Get your butt on a plane today!
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A 35 year old Russian woman who divorced her 45 year old Husband to marry his 21 year old son - her STEPSON - whom she has been raising since he was SEVEN is now pregnant with their child.
- I could be wrong… but I think this same thing happened on an episode of “The Waltons”.
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A husband and wife in Quebec tried to get around the City’s COVID curfew rules by putting a leash on the husband and telling cops that she was “Walking her Dog”.
- Police slapped them with a fine. Not for the “Dog Walking” part… but because she didn’t bring along a plastic baggie - if you catch my drift.
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Hacker’s took control of a Smartphone App that controls “Chastity Cages” and demanded ransom before releasing their “hostages” from the metal device that “Snaps Closed” around a man’s private parts.
- Am I the only guy who got halfway through that sentence before crossing my legs?
*****
The Feds have reached a settlement with a Fertility-Tracking App that was informing Facebook when it’s users were Ovulating.
- So… The President of the United States isn’t allowed on Facebook but Mark Zuckerberg gets to know when your wife is fertile?? Am I missing something here??
*****
The CIA has released all of its documents on “Unidentified Aerial Phenomena” - in other words - UFO’s -and you can read the reports online.
*****
A new study found that coffee drinkers are less likely to develop prostate cancer.
- Especially if they’re women.
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A study by the Ohio State University found that artificial sweeteners do not cause diabetes.
- But playing Football for Ohio State can cause you to lose a National Championship Game BIGTIME.
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The LAPD busted up a “Swinger’s Party” over the weekend that turned out to be a super-spreader event.
- I’m thinking they’re not just talking about COVID here…
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A Florida man has been making headlines by driving his army tank around the suburb of Palmetto Bay.
- I had no idea Micheal Dukakis was living in Florida.
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China’s COVID-19 vaccine has proven to be far less effective than initially touted.
- Like most things made in China… it sounds great… but stops working a week after you get it.
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After 30 years, CNN announced that they will no longer be airing on all the TV’s in Airports.
- And just like that, they lost 95% of their audience.
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A video of a man who went on a foul-mouthed tirade after getting kicked off a flight from Charlotte to Washington, DC has gone viral.
- I miss the good old days when you got to watch a movie on a flight… Now sit at home and watch videos of people on planes.
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“The Real Housewives of Miami” could return with Phil Collins’ ex-wife, Orianne Cevey, in the cast.
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Bruce Willis was asked to leave a Los Angeles Rite Aide on Monday for refusing to wear a mask.
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Rapper Azalea Banks dug up her dead cat Lucifer on Instagram and boiled its bones in an effort to bring it back to life.
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Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers is going to host an episode of “Jeopardy” while they search for a new host.
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On the eve on a contentious election in UGANDA, Twitter - who silenced the President and dozens of other Conservative voices - announced “We strongly condemn internet shutdowns – they are hugely harmful, violate basic human rights and the principles of the Open Internet”.
- REALLY??
- Finally someone is standing up for Free Speech… In Uganda.
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An employment study found that due to the Pandemic, more and more cash-strapped people are selling naked pictures of themselves online to make ends meet.
- Speaking of “Making ends Meet”… Kim Kardashian and her sister Khloe Kardashian accidentally bumped into each other even though they were standing 6 feet apart.
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The AI-powered collar from Petpuls compares a dog’s bark to a database of more than 10-thousand samples from 50 breeds of canines, big and small.
“With this device we, humans, can understand and communicate better, more accurately, more effectively,” says Andrew Gil, director of global marketing for Petpuls. He adds that when a dog barks, it means the dog has a need.
The South Korean company says its algorithm can determine a dog’s five emotional states: happy, relaxed, anxious, angry, or sad. The more barking data they get, the more accurate the results.
U.S. company Akvelon developed similar technology to translate a cat’s meow.
MeowTalk is an app that helps owners better understand their feline friends.
As I write this, Congress has begun debating the Article of Impeachment against President Trump for what they’re calling “Incitement of Insurrection”.
- If passed, Trump will become the 1st President in U.S. History to be Impeached TWICE.
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On the eve on a contentious election in UGANDA, Twitter - who silenced Trump and dozens of other Conservative voices - Twitter announced ““We strongly condemn internet shutdowns – they are hugely harmful, violate basic human rights and the principles of the Open Internet”.
- REALLY??
- Finally someone is standing up for Free Speech!!! In Uganda!!!
*****
An employment study found that due to the Pandemic, more and more cash-strapped people are selling naked pictures of themselves online to make ends meet.
- Speaking of “Making ends Meet”… Kim Kardashian and her sister Khloe accidentally bumped into each other yesterday even though they were standing 6 feet apart.
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A woman in NYC interrupted a Chuck Schumer Press Conference and told that she loathes him so much she got “Sexually excited watching him hide under his desk at the Capitol”.
- Bill Clinton called for an immediate investigation of the woman - to be conducted by… BILL CLINTON!!!
OR
- The last time “Under his Desk” and “Sexually Excited” were used in the same sentence, Bill Clinton was in office.
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It’s “National Make Your Dream Come True Day”!
- Nancy Pelosi.
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Mexico City opened its restaurants yesterday in defiance of Coronavirus Lockdowns.
- In their defense, it WAS Taco Tuesday!!!
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A U.S. Customs and Border Protection Dog sniffed out 88 pounds of “Prohibited Sausage” in a suitcase at Newark Airport in New Jersey.
- This is the biggest “Prohibited Sausage” story since Anthony Weiner got sent to prison for Sexting.
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Madonna is being criticized for visiting five countries in the past three weeks despite strict travel restrictions around the World.
- I’m pretty sure COVID doesn’t even make the “Top Ten List” of the diseases she might be spreading.
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Chuck Norris, 80, is forced to deny being at the Capitol riot after photo of man bearing a striking resemblance goes viral
Chuck Norris denies being at Capitol riot after photo of man with striking resemblance
The agent of actor and martial-artist Chuck Norris has been forced to deny the 80-year-old star wasn't at last week's Capitol Hill riot after a photo (left) went viral of a man striking a similar resemblance. Speaking yesterday, Norris' manager Erik Kritzer confirmed that the man in the picture wasn't Chuck Norris. The actor and martial artist (right) also took to his own Facebook page to deny that the man in the picture was him.
Look Who's Talking: Bruce Willis says 'It was an error in judgement' to REFUSE to wear a mask while inside a pharmacy in defiance of California's strict COVID rules
OnlyFans, founded in 2016 and based in Britain, has boomed in popularity during the pandemic. As of December, it had more than 90 million users and more than one million content creators, up from 120,000 in 2019. The company declined to comment for this article.
When it comes to matters of heart health, no amount of exercise is too much, scientists said on Tuesday in research that debunks the myth that high levels of vigorous physical activity might not always be beneficial.
The research found "every move counts" towards improving cardiovascular health, the scientists said, with the lowest risk for heart disease seen in people who exercised the most.
Cardiovascular disease is the leading world's number one cause of death - killing almost 18 million people a year globally, according to the World Health Organization (WHO).
This research, which involved more than 90,000 people studied over a five-year period, found that those in the top 25% of people who engaged in vigorous-intensity activity had an average reduction in risk heart disease of between 54% and 63%.
President Joe Biden warned his staff about a sure fire way to lose their jobs, saying “If I hear you treat another colleague with disrespect - or talk down to them - I will fire you on the spot”.
- So now apparently we’ve gone from 4 years of “Jerry Springer” to “Mr. Biden’s Neighborhood”?
- Then Joe put on a cardigan and read a story to everyone.
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Bill Clinton appeared to be nodding off during Wednesday’s inauguration ceremony.
- You’d fall asleep too if you’d been up all night listening to Hillary screaming “IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!!!”
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VP Kamala Harris, Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama all wore Purple for the inauguration yesterday which some say symbolized the “mixing of Red and Blue America”.
- That… and the fact that dark colors are slimming.
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Just hours after Prez Trump commuted his sentence, Kwame Kilpatrick was out of prison and back home having dinner with his family last night.
- But since he still owes almost $5 MILLION in restitution, chances are he didn’t pay for the Pizza.
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A South Carolina couple was arrested for filming themselves having sex on a Ferris Wheel.
- On her way to jail, the woman said “The Ferris Wheel thing was fun”… but not as fun as “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride”.
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“Saint Maud” is being called the first “must-see” horror movie of 2021. It tells the story of a possessed woman who believes God is telling her to do terrible things.
- But enough about Joy Behar.
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People with binoculars were able to catch a glimpse of Uranus last night.
- But Astronomers said you still don’t need binoculars to see Kim Kardashian’s Moon.
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!
-Dick
President Trump reportedly DID leave a note in the Oval Office desk drawer for Joe Biden despite predictions that he would break with the long standing tradition among Presidents.
- Who could forget the note Bill Clinton accidentally left for George W. Bush? As I recall, it started… “Dear George, I DID NOT have sex with that woman… Miss Lewisky…”
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New York Times editor Lauren Wolfe was ridiculed on social media Tuesday for hyping the arrival of President-elect Joe Biden in D.C. yesterday Tweeting, “Biden landing in Washington… I have chills”.
- I don’t mean to throw a wet blanket on her, but shouldn’t somebody tell her “Chills” are one of the symptoms of COVID?
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President Trump pardoned and/or commuted the sentences of 143 people last night… Among them, our own Kwame Kilpatrick.
- Explain to me how “Making Kwame Free Again” jibes with “Making America Great Again”???
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Vladimir Putin was photographed in nothing but swim trunks immersing in icy water as part of an Orthodox Christian ritual to mark the feast of Epiphany.
- Vlad loves to be photographed half-naked. He’s basically the Kim Kardashian of Communists.
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Speaking of the that.. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have stopped going to marriage counseling.
- Kanye reportedly said to Kim, “Don’t let the door hit you on the butt on your way out”. Or maybe it was the other way around.
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Gwyneth Paltrow’s $75 “Vagina Scented” candle reportedly exploded inside a British woman’s home.
- Better in her HOME than someplace ELSE!!
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
Researchers at Oxford University found that there is no limit to the benefits of exercise to the heart, so the more active you are the longer you’ll live.
- In a related story, Kamala Harris just stole Joe Biden’s exercise bike and hid it in the White House basement.
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A new study found that driving past more fast-food restaurants on the way to school will not impact a child’s weight. Now, stopping at them is another story…
- All we have to do to find out if the study is accurate is to OPEN THE SCHOOLS.
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“Saint Maud” is being called the first “must-see” horror movie of 2021. It tells the story of a possessed woman who believes God is telling her to do terrible things.
- But enough about Joy Behar.
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Rapper “A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie” is being accused of clogging all the toilets at the New Jersey Mansion he was renting.
- What Boogie needs is “A Plumber Wit a Number”.
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Joe Biden will be sworn in as the 46th President of the United States today at 12:00 noon. when he places his hand on Abraham Lincoln’s Bible.
- That Bible has special meaning for Joe… Turns out he went to grammar school with Mary Todd and is actually the one who introduced her to Abe at a Square Dance.
Lady Gaga will sing the National Anthem at Biden’s scaled-down Inauguration.
- She wasn’t Joe first choice but someone had to break the news to him that alive anymore.
Joe Biden says that on his first day in office he’ll reverse the President's travel ban from certain Muslim majority nations and rejoin the Paris Climate Change Accord.
- And then he’s gonna take a nap.
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Happy Birthday to Dolly Parton!!!
- Dolly turns the BIG 75.. Double D… today!!!
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Meanwhile… Betty’s White’s friends threw her a party on Sunday to celebrate her 99th Birthday.
- According to party-goers, things really got out of hand when Betty spiked the Champagne Fountain with Ensure.
- They’re even making a movie about it… “Golden Girl Gone Wild”.
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Researchers believe that a prehistoric Pig painting discovered in Indonesia is the world's oldest depiction of an animal painted 45,000 years ago.
- But you gotta admit the BEST animal painting EVER is still the Five Dogs Playing Poker.
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Legendary music producer Phil Spector, who lent his “Wall of Sound” to groups including the Ronettes, the Righteous Brothers and the Beatles, died of COVID over the weekend while serving a life sentence for shooting a woman to death back in 2003. Over his career, he produced 5 #1 singles and 19 Top Ten Hits.
- And then there was that one that was “Number 7 With a Bullet”. (An old Music Radio term for a song that was moving quickly up the charts).
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UPDATE… The 35 year old Russian woman who divorced her 45 year old husband and then married her 21-year old Stepson who she had raised since he was 7 that we told you about last week… GAVE BIRTH TO A BOUNCING BABY GIRL OVER THE WEEKEND!!! Congratulations all around!!
- Just when you thought the world was spinning out of control… a heart warming story like this drops in our laps!
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
After a 4 year hiatus, controversial YouTuber “Pewdie Pie” is making a comeback to social media to the delight of his 108 MILLION followers.
- Well… 108 MILLION and ONE if you count me.
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MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell says that because of his support of President Trump, Kohl’s and Bed Bath & Beyond have stopped carrying MyPillow products.
- The CEO’s said they didn’t make the decision lightly… the “Slept on it”.
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Pamela Anderson told Piers Morgan during an interview that “Vegans Make Better Lovers”.
- According to Pam, there’s nothing more romantic than cozying up with a guy who just downed a can of Baked Beans with a side of Brussel Sprouts.
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On this day in 2013 Lance Armstrong admitted to doping in all seven of his Tour de France victories.
- Sure it’s old news… but I thought it was worth Re-Cycling.
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Hacker’s took control of a Smartphone App that controls “Chastity Cages” and demanded ransom before releasing their “hostages” from the metal device that “Snaps Closed” around a man’s private parts.
- Am I the only guy who got halfway through that sentence before crossing my legs?
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The Feds have reached a settlement with a Fertility-Tracking App that was informing Facebook when it’s users were Ovulating.
- So… The President of the United States isn’t allowed on Facebook but Mark Zuckerberg gets to know when your wife is fertile?? Am I missing something here??
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The CIA has released all of its documents on “Unidentified Aerial Phenomena” - in other words - UFO’s -and you can read the reports online.
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A new study found that coffee drinkers are less likely to develop prostate cancer.
- Especially if they’re women.
And the question is how are we going to really almost deprogram these people who have signed up for the cult of Trump."
Clinton lost to Trump in 2016 and said it is clear that Trump has a disdain for democracy, but its true depths may never be known. She said the president had "other agendas" while in the White House and hopes that one day it becomes known who exactly the president was "beholden to" and "who pulls his strings."
"I would love to see his phone records to see if he was talking to Putin the day the insurgents invaded our Capitol," she said. She asked Pelosi if she believed the country would benefit from a 9/11-commission-type probe to investigate what exactly led up to the deadly riot.
Pelosi said she is in favor of such a commission and she recalled telling the president that, "With you, Mr. President, all roads lead to Putin."
"I don’t know what Putin has on him politically, financially or personally, but what happened last week was a gift to Putin because Putin wants to undermine democracy in our country and throughout the world," Pelosi said. She said those that took part in the riot were "Putin’s puppets."
In 2018, Fair Haven residents elected Lincoln the goat as its honorary mayor. Lincoln helped raise about $10,000 while the current mayor, Murfee, a Cavalier King Charles spaniel, has raised $20,000, Town Manager Joe Gunter told the Rutland Herald. The town chipped in another $20,000.
Starbucks is expected to commit employees to help optimize vaccination sites, with a focus on patient experience, the company said. They will also help with scalable solutions for equitable access and expanding site selection across 39 counties and 29 tribal nations. The governor of Washington State.
An Arkansas woman lost her job at a Taco Bell Drive-Thru when a customer complained that he’d seen her in Internet Porn.
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General Motors unveiled a Flying Car Concept at the Consumer’s Electronic Show in Vegas.
- Sure it would be Cool to have a “Flying Car”… but GM’s new logo is still Sucks.
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To make a point at yesterday’s Impeachment vote, Nancy Pelosi wore the SAME BLACK DRESS that she wore to Trump’s first impeachment a year ago.
- I don’t know much about women’s fashion… but that sounds like a BIG NO-NO to me.
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Which reminds me… Yesterday, since I’ve been known to forget my mask when I go out, I bought myself one of those colorful Neck Gaiters that you can just pull up over your nose and mouth. So now I’m not just medically smart… I’m fashionably cool.
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A 35 year old Russian woman who divorced her 45 year old HUSBAND to marry HIS 21 year old SON - her STEPSON - whom she has been raising since he was SEVEN is now PREGNANT with HIS child.
- Call me crazy but I think I once saw this on an episode of “The Waltons”.
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A husband and wife in Quebec tried to get around the City’s COVID curfew rules by putting a leash on the husband and telling cops that she was “Walking her Dog”.
- But Police Fined her… because she didn’t bring along a plastic baggie.
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An employment study found that due to the Pandemic, more and more cash-strapped people are selling naked pictures of themselves online to make ends meet.
- Speaking of “Making Ends Meet”… Yesterday, Kim Kardashian and her sister Khloe accidentally bumped into each other even though they were standing 6 feet apart.
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!
-Dick
It’s “National Make Your Dream Come True Day”!
- And nobody is celebrating harder than Nancy Pelosi.
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As I write this, Congress is debating the Impeachment of President Trump. If passed, Trump will become the 1st Prez in U.S. History to be Impeached TWICE.
- Trump responded, “I’m an even greater President than LINCOLN! He couldn’t even get Impeached ONCE!!”
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Mexico City opened its restaurants yesterday in defiance of Coronavirus Lockdowns.
- In their defense, it WAS Taco Tuesday!!!
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A U.S. Customs and Border Protection Dog sniffed out 88 pounds of “Prohibited Sausage” in a suitcase at Newark Airport in New Jersey.
- This is the biggest “Prohibited Sausage” story since Anthony Weiner got sent to prison for Sexting a 15 year old girl.
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Madonna is being criticized for visiting five countries in the past three weeks despite strict travel restrictions around the World.
- I’m pretty sure COVID doesn’t even make the “Top Ten List” of the diseases she’s capable of spreading.
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On this day in 1962 Chubby Checker's song “The Twist” that inspired the dance craze shot up to #1 on the charts for the second time in two years.
- In those days, parents were up in arms over the DANCE. Now in today’s PC Non-Fat-Shaming World, people are up in arms that Checker was called “Chubby”.
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
EARLY FOR TOMORROW (WED)
Has California brought out a new side of Prince Harry? (PAGE SIX)
During a recent virtual visit to “The Late Late Show with James Corden,” Montecito resident Rob Lowe said he believes he spotted the Duke of Sussex, 36, driving around their shared neighborhood with a brand-new ponytail.
“He lives about a mile from me. He’s been very reclusive; seeing him in the neighborhood is like seeing the Loch Ness Monster,” Lowe, 56, told Corden.
“I may have a scoop,” he went on. “It was very, very quick — don’t totally quote me on it — but it looked like he was wearing a ponytail. It looked to me, as a casual observer, that his hair had grown very long, and his hair was pulled back tightly by what I could only assume was a ponytail.”
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A study by the American Psychological Association found that the majority of Americans would not want to to know their “Fate”.
- With everything going on in this Country, I’m not sure I even want to know what’s going to happen THIS AFTERNOON.
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Disneyland in California is giving out COVID Vaccines.
- Cinderella and Prince Charming rolled up their sleeves and got it in their arms but Donald Duck insisted he get his shot in the Butt since he wasn’t wearing any pants.
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Meanwhile… Martha Stewart posted a picture of herself on Social Media getting her Covid Vaccine Shot.
- She had the nurse sterilize her arm with a 30,000 count Egyptian Cotton Ball soaked in Lavender-Infused Alcohol and after the shot - applied a Hand-Knit Cashmere Band-Aid.
- Vaccines are “A Good Thing!”
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HBO Max has confirmed plans to do a revival of “Sex And The City”… with the ladies now in their 50’s.
- In the original show they were looking for “Hot Men”… now they’ve just got Hot FLASHES from Men-OPAUSE.
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Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced that due to “all the negativity”… they’ve “Quit social media for good”.
- For more details, they ask you to follow them on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.
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Alabama won last night’s National College Football Championship game beating Ohio State 52 - 24.
- You might say Ohio State got Liquidated.
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
So…. Due to Internet Issues, we were off for most of last week. Did we miss anything??
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In all seriousness, I apologize for missing the big news - an event that rocked this country to it’s very foundation… KIM and KANYE ARE GETTING DIVORCED!?
Speaking of that… Kim and Kanye are dividing up their Assets.
- May I suggest that Kim gets the “Ass” and Kanye gets the “ets”?
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In a related story… it was on this date in 1787 that the “Moons of Uranus” were seen for the first time.
- Speaking of that… I thought I was watching a documentary about Uranus this weekend… but it turns out I was actually watching all the political events out of D.C.
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GM is being widely mocked for it’s new logo - the first change since 1964 - featuring light blue lower case letters that many are comparing to a Kindergarten art project.
- I’ll admit I didn’t really care for it at first, but after I ate some paste and downed a juice box… it started to make sense.
- This is what happens when your Graphic Designers are forced to work from home while their kids are home schooling.
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According to a new study, women can reduce their risk of depression by eating more beans.
- I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I’ve been a big fan of beans for years.
- The article was titled: “Eating Beans, Beans… Whether Campbell’s or Bushes - Will have Women Whistling a Happy Tune… right from their Tushes!”
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Over the weekend, customers at a McDonalds Drive Thru in New Jersey were attacked by a flock of angry Chickens.
- Is EVERYBODY in this country Angry these days?? Even the CHICKENS??
- The Chickens were arrested by the Cops, taken to the Police Station and Grilled.
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According to a British researcher… Merely THINKING about exercise can get the same results as ACTUALLY excercising your muscles.
- NIKE is considering changing it’s slogan to “Just Think It”.
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
Democrat Rep. Emanuel Cleaver delivered the opening prayer for the 117th Congress on Sunday - and altered the traditional ending of "Amen" by saying "Amen and Awoman". (TRUE!)
- If this guy really thinks “Amen” is a gender-specific term… this Country hasn’t got a Prayer.
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Despite two vaccines being approved, the Nation continues to be way behind in scheduled delivery of the COVID vaccine.
- Why don’t they put the Vaccine on Amazon?? That way we’d all get it in 2 Days and if we liked it… they’d even suggest other Vaccine’s we might be interested in.
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A U.S. National Security Advisor says there’s even more evidence that the Virus came from that Chinese Lab in Wuhan.
- Apparently they’ve found incriminating emails that describe the Virus as “Extremely contagious and topped with Chef’s Special Sauce”.
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A new study finds that your emotions will change depending on what kind of music you’re listening to.
- For instance, if you listen to Beethoven’s “Ode to Joy” you’ll feel hopeful, and if you listen to Hip Hop you’ll have a sudden desire to wear your pants half way down your butt.
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Thousands of people partied without masks on Florida’s beaches over the weekend as Coronavirus cases continued to soar in their state.
- They may end up in the hospital, but hey, they’re gonna have terrific tan lines!
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87-year-old Larry King continues to battle the Coronavirus in a Los Angeles Hospital.
- Larry’s a real fighter. So far he’s survived Cancer, a heart attack and 8 divorces.
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
It’s Beginning To Look a Lot Like Christmas! I had a few hours on my hand yesterday so I baked up some Gingerbread and made myself a little house……. NOT. Actually Jackie and her family made it - complete with an ice cream cone tree, a lollipop lamppost and powdered sugar snow. (Doesn’t she know Sugar is bad for you?? I would have used Equal or Splenda).
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The Sun reports that Prince William and Kate Middleton shipped their Christmas presents to Prince Harry and Meghan Markle too late to make it in time for Christmas.
- So Harry and Meghan are gonna have to wait til New Year’s to use their
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Nepali airline Buddha Air made a blunder recently when it flew passengers to the wrong airport.
-
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An L.A. County Sheriff's deputy allegedly did the “Horizontal Mambo” with an unidentified woman on the Universal Studios lot and accidentally broadcast the event over his Police Radio.
- He claims he was just following L.A.’s “Stop and Get Frisky” policy.
- The woman said it would have been more appropriate if it had happened at Disneyland’s “It’s a Small World After All”.
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Kim Kardashian announced that she is giving away $500 to 1000 of her fans to help with the Holidays.
- It IS the Most Wonderful Time of the Rear… uh, I mean YEAR.
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Researchers from Ben-Gurion University in Israel say face masks are lowering the brain’s ability to properly recognize people’s faces.
- This is news?? Isn’t this why Bank Robbers have been wearing masks FOREVER??
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KFC has launched a new Video Games Console shaped like a bucket of Chicken that comes with a built-in "Chicken Chamber" to keep your snacks warm.
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The science driving the $30 billion dollar sex robot industry is evolving so quickly that robots are capable of “feeling” and will soon be able to consent to sex.
- But only if you take it out to dinner first. I’M KIDDING!
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President Trump officially pardoned 15 people yesterday… but Kwame Kilpatrick wasn’t on the list.
- Kwame was upset but went right back to rehersal for the Prison’s Christmas Pageant. His cellmate is playing a Sheep and Kwame is playing an Ass.
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France closed its borders to arrivals from the U.K. to stem the spread of a new strain of the Coronavirus circulating in London.
- So if you want to go to France, you’ll have to fly to Berlin and march in like the Germans do.
- Why couldn’t we have put this kind of rule in place before Harry and Meghan jetted over?
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The director of “The Exorcist” shut down rumors that he’s attached to a remake of the horror classic.
- He said he’d heard so many rumors his head was spinning.
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A mall Santa upset a little boy who said he wanted a toy Nerf Gun for Christmas by telling him Santa doesn’t deliver guns of any kind.
- Santa has gotten all PC ever since Dancer and Vixen accused him of texting them “Naughty” pictures of himself.
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A new study advises that people should take their blood pressure IN BOTH ARMS… and that a difference in readings between the two could mean you have heart disease. Meanwhile, ANOTHER study found that the sound of an airplane overhead increases your chances of having a heart attack.
- And a THIRD study found that reading about all these heart attack studies can GIVE you a heart attack.
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McDonalds restaurants in China will debut a “Spam Burger” this week featuring grilled Spam topped with Crushed Oreos.
- MMM…mmm!!!
- It’s historic… This is the first time in history people that will eat Chinese Food and NOT want more of it an hour later.
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Just two weeks after it was announced China was developing biologically enhanced super soldiers, France has joined the fray in creating terminator troops that can be “Bred to Kill.”
- Instead of using bullets, the French Troops throw Croissants at the enemy and wait for the butter to clog their arteries.
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After a brief chase, deputies apprehended a man accused of not wearing pants at the “Next Door Food Store” in Tallmadge Township here in Michigan.
- Police were originally called because the Cashier mistakenly thought he he had THIRTEEN items in the “12 Items or Less” check out lane.
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During this week in 1909, he first Junior High School opened in Berkeley, California.
- And the very next day a 13 year old boy became the first kid in history to get a “Swirlie”.
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After a brief chase, deputies apprehended a man accused of not wearing pants at the “Next Door Food Store” in Tallmadge Township here in Michigan.
- Police were originally called because the Cashier mistakenly thought he he had THIRTEEN items in the “12 Items or Less” check out lane.
Today marks the 50th Anniversary of the White House meeting between President Nixon and Elvis Presley.
- The technical name for the meeting is the “Crook ‘n Shook”.
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The shift to working from home has seen a massive rise in demand for casual wear – with sales of sweatpants and espresso machines way up… and alarm clocks and high heels way down.
- Is it just me or does “Alarm Clocks and High Heels” sound like a country song?
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Dr. Anthony Fauci made an appearance on CNN’s “Sesame Street ABC’s of COVID-19 Town Hall” and told children that “Santa Claus is good to go!” after getting vaccinated.
- That’s all well and good but how is he going to know where to fly if Rudoph’s nose is covered by his mask??
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Tonight… December 21… Jupiter and Saturn will appear so closely aligned in our sky that they will look like a double planet dubbed “The Christmas Star” - an event that hasn’t happened since the 1200’s.
- And if you want to check out a “Super Moon”… just go to Kim Kardashian’s Instagram account.
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Today marks the 50th Anniversary of the White House meeting between President Nixon and Elvis Presley.
- The technical name for the meeting is the “Crook ‘n Shook”.
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A new study advises that people should take their blood pressure IN BOTH ARMS… and that a difference in readings between the two could mean you have heart disease.
-
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Former CIA boss John Brennan says it's 'presumptuous and arrogant' to think humans are alone in the universe as he talks about recently declassified UFO videos
The shift to working from home has seen a massive rise in demand for casual wear – with sales of sweatpants and espresso machines way up… and alarm clocks and high heels way down.
- Is it just me or does “Alarm Clocks and High Heels” sound like a country song?
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A new survey finds the average person sets a goal to eat healthier FOUR TIMES each month – and follows through with NONE of them.
- Hey… Baby steps people, Baby steps!
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The Government of Panama announced that men and women will only be allowed to shop on separate days to stop the spread of the Virus.
- If only they had a way to keep people apart… like say a Canal.
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Actor George Takei, best known for his role in "Star Trek," is under fire for a tweet implying that he wanted Sen. Marco Rubio to have an allergic reaction to the virus.
- Takei apologized and said he wants Rubio to “Live Long and Prosper”.
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A recent study found that 84% of Americans say they really miss traveling this year.
- And 60% of those people say they’ve given their partner an “Invasive Pat Down” to recreate the Airline experience.
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Apple is temporarily closing all stores in California amid an ongoing surge of COVID-19 cases in the state.
- It’s part of their “Stay Away From Apple for A Day… Keeps The Doctor Away” Program.
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McDonalds restaurants in China will debut a “Spam Burger” this week featuring grilled Spam topped with Crushed Oreos.
- It’s historic… This is the first time in history people will eat Chinese Food and NOT want more of it an hour later.
*****
Just two weeks after it was announced China was developing biologically enhanced super soldiers, France has joined the fray in creating terminator troops that can be “Bred to Kill.”
- And by “Bred to Kill” they mean “Programmed to Surrender”.
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On this day in 1620 the Pilgrims disembarked from the Mayflower and came ashore at Plymouth Rock in Massachusetts.
- Wait… you mean they landed AFTER Thanksgiving??
And on this day in 1909, he first Junior High School opened in Berkeley, California.
- And the very next day a 13 year old boy became the first kid in history to get a “Swirlie”.
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On this day in 1872 Phileas Fogg completed his round the world trip in 80 days, in Jules Verne's “Around the World in Eighty Days”.
I'll be home for Christmas
You can plan on me
Please have some snow and mistletoe
And presents by the tree
Christmas eve will find me
Where the love light gleams
I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams
I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams
Panama will next week reimpose nationwide curbs on movement by requiring men and women to carry out festive shopping on different days, the health minister said on Friday, imposing drastic measures following a surge in coronavirus cases.
he wide-ranging faculty demands include:
Hiring 12 full-time diversity officers, and multiple psychologists to support students “coping with race-based traumatic stress.”
Assigning a staffer dedicated to black students who have “complaints or face disciplinary action,” and a full-time advocate to help black kids “navigate a predominantly white institution.”
Paying the student debt of black staffers upon hiring them.
Requiring courses that focus on “Black liberation” and “challenges to white supremacy.”
Compensating any student of color who appears in Dalton promotional material.
Abolishing high-level academic courses by 2023 if the performance of black students is not on par with non-blacks.
Requiring “anti-racism” statements from all staffers.
Overhauling the entire curriculum, reading lists and student plays to reflect diversity and social justice themes.
Divesting from companies that “criminalize or dehumanize” black people, including private prisons and tech firms that manufacture police equipment or weapons.
Donating 50 percent of all fundraising dollars to NYC public schools if Dalton is not representative of the city in terms of gender, race, socioeconomic background, and immigration status by 2025.
PANAMA CITY, Dec 18 (Reuters) - Panama will next week reimpose nationwide curbs on movement by requiring men and women to carry out festive shopping on different days, the health minister said on Friday, imposing drastic measures following a surge in coronavirus cases.
The restrictions are similar to what the Central American nation imposed in worst-hit parts of the country in June.
"As of Monday 21, with the aim of reducing mobility, purchases will be made by gender," Luis Sucre, the Minister of Health, said in a televised message.
On Christmas and New Year's Day there will be total quarantine for both genders.
There have been zero links to coronavirus spread across any of Waffle House’s 2,100 U.S. locations, according to the breakfast chain’s CEO Walter Ehmer.
Since the science doesn’t match up with how state officials are responding, by closing dining rooms and restricting restaurants, Ehmer told Fox News' “America’s News HQ” that the American people are just being unnecessarily harmed.
“We have proven, over these nine months, we have zero evidence of any spread being traced back to our restaurants for our people or our customers,” he said. “We’ve traced back all of our infections… and it all traces back to something away from the restaurant.”
The two largest planets in the solar system, Jupiter and Saturn, will do something later this month not seen since the Middle Ages: forming what looks like a double planet. This celestial event has been dubbed the "Christmas star."
The rare occurrence will happen after sunset on Dec. 21, 2020, the start of the winter solstice.
JUPITER, SATURN SPOTTED OVER LEGENDARY BRONZE AGE STRUCTURE
"Alignments between these two planets are rather rare, occurring once every 20 years or so, but this conjunction is exceptionally rare because of how close the planets will appear to one another," said Rice University astronomer Patrick Hartigan in a statement. "You’d have to go all the way back to just before dawn on March 4, 1226, to see a closer alignment between these objects visible in the night sky."
According to the decorating gurus who champion this trend, hanging your lights vertically — instead of wrapping them around the tree horizontally — not only saves you from having to waste too many lights on the back of the tree, but it also allows the bulbs to sit closer to the tips of the branches for maximum sparkle.
I think it is clear that santa is a conservative. He never says "Happy Holidays". He says "Merry Christmas" no matter who it offends. He takes no public funds for his operation. Santa operates a huge factory right at the polar ice caps with no environmental concerns. He passes out gifts based on merit. His "naughty or nice" list shows that he has an objective moral compass and none of that liberal relativism. He uses endangered species, flying reindeer, to do his work obviously ticking off the PETA crowd. He loves cookies and his big belly shows he had no regard for Michelle Obama's healthy eating program. Have a merry Christmas
Cloffice. Office/closet people are using for working at home.
Dr Deborah Birx ignored her own Thanksgiving advice traveling to her Delaware vacation home with three generations of her family from two different households. The coordinator of the White House coronavirus response was accompanied by her husband Paige Reffe, one of her daughters, son-in-law and two grandchildren for the Black Friday trip. She had warned Americans to 'be vigilant' and limit celebrations to 'your immediate household.' But Dr Birx, 64,
SAVE FOR THURSDAY!
A survey found that the most popular workout songs of all time are “We Will Rock You,” “Eye Of The Tiger,” and “Welcome To The Jungle.”
I used to listen to the “Hokey Pokey” while I was on the treadmill but I kept falling off.
A 90-year-old grandmother became the first person to get the COVID-19 vaccine in Britain on Tuesday.
Grandma said the shot “hurt a bit” but wasn’t nearly as painful as “Getting run over by a Reindeer:
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Amazon’s new health-tracking bracelet - the “Halo” - comes with a microphone and an app that tells you if you haven’t exercised enough - and if thinks you’re too fat, if shows you a 3-D rendering of your near-naked body.
- Michael Moore tried to order one… but turns out it doesn’t come in a Wide-Screen format.
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The device even listens to your voice and will tell you if your tone is “Overbearing” or if you sound “Irritated”.
- We had a similar device when I was growing up… We called it “Mom and Dad”.
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Ivanka Trump and her husband Jared Kushner have bought a $30 million plot of land on a high security Miami island known as “Billionaire’s Bunker.”
- $30 MILLION is a lot… but doesn’t every couple need a Starter Mansion??
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The internet went crazy after Miley Cyrus posed topless in the latest issue of Rolling Stone.
- This is the first time Miley has been photographed naked… Since last Wednesday.
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The Main Stream Media are finally reporting that the FBI is investigating Joe’s son Hunter Biden over alleged money laundering and his ties to China after cops seized his laptop.
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According to a new survey, since the Pandemic started, the average American washes their hands 10 times per day and uses hand sanitizer an additional eight times every day.
- At this point, the only American’s hands who aren’t clean is Hunter Biden.
PornHub is taking down all videos on its site that feature actors who are under 18.
- And just like that, Prince Andrew’s Christmas is ruined.
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According to a new report… 1 in 5 Americans are eating three or more cookies per day during the Pandemic.
- TIP: Eat “Healthy” cookies like I do… Oatmeal with RAISINS!
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A gigantic Goldfish - weighing EIGHT POUNDS was found in a lake in South Carolina.
-
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Vladimir Putin 'has secretly moved to his summer home to avoid catching Covid and had an exact replica of his office built so Russians still believe he is in Moscow.
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The FDA is warning people with severe food allergies not to take Pfizer’s Coronavirus vaccine after several patients suffered a reaction to it in the UK.
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Researchers at the University of Copenhagen say there is no way to cut the perfect Christmas cookie and not even a computer can figure it out.
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Kelly Ann Conway has landed a multimillion dollar deal to write a tell all book about her time as the President's closest White House advisor.
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Investment giant Goldman Sachs is planning to move its $8 billion dollar asset management arm from New York to Florida.
- They’re going from “The City That Never Sleeps” or “The City That Never Sleeps Because It’s Up All Night With a Bad Hip”.
Israel’s former Space Security Chief says there ARE Aliens and that mankind has made contact with them, but they’re refraining from announcing it officially because “Humanity is not ready”.
- I don’t know about Humanity, but I’M not ready.
- The closest I’ve come to seeing an Alien is
- Note: I said FORMER Space Security Chief.
- If it’s true, it’s a Small Step for Mankind… But a Giant Leap for Little Green Men.
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Axios reported that a Chinese national named Fang Fang or Christine Fang targeted up-and-coming local politicians, including Swalwell. Fang reportedly helped fundraise for Swalwell's 2014 campaign and helped place at least one intern in his office.
In fact, a former intelligence official told Fox News the Chinese for years have sent spies to “sleep with lesser-known members of Congress and staffers.”
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The Chinese Civil Aviation Administration wants Flight Attendants to keep from getting COVID… by wearing Adult Diapers whenever they fly.
- Finally! They can stop using the Overhead Bins.
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After a brief chase, deputies apprehended a man accused of not wearing pants at the “Next Door Food Store” in Tallmadge Township here in Michigan.
- Police were originally called because the Cashier mistakenly thought he he had THIRTEEN items in the “12 Items or Less” check out lane.
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Queen Elizabeth’s granddaughter Zara Tindall is pregnant with her third child.
- The Queen already has 8 Great Grandkids and 8 Grandkids… Although, to be honest, she doesn’t think Harry is that “Grand”.
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Russia is dealing with a surge in upstart Media Companies that are running stories critical of Vladimir Putin.
- But there still not covering the Hunter Biden story.
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Workers rioted at a Taiwanese-run iPhone factory over claims they’re being exploited by the company.
- Luckily, the riot happened during Recess and all the workers were back to work after Storytime.
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A Chipotle restaurant on the upper west side of New York is being plagued by hordes of hungry rats who are eating all the food.
- But the jokes on the Rats! They all got food poisoning.
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British Chef Nigella Lawson is being mocked for pronouncing the word microwave as “meekro-wah-vay.”
- That’s Bueel-Shaaaat.
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A married Oregon woman survived a fall into a volcano while she was skiing on Mt. Hood last week.
- Apparently the Volcano spit her out when it realized she wasn’t a Virgin.
IKEA has scrapped its print catalogue, marking the end of its historic 70 year run.
*****
- Maybe now they can focus on printing something else…. LIKE INSTRUCTIONS… IN ENGLISH.
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MasterCard and Visa are investigating their relationship with PornHub after the adult site was accused of showing graphic videos that broke the law.
- Luckily PornHub has a special deal with Capitol One with a new theme line… “What’s In Your Pocket?”
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Rapper Cardi B tweeted a video that shows her twerking upside down on her boyfriend at his Birthday Party.
- Who among us hasn’t twerked upside down to celebrate a loved one’s birthday??
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A New York City Ambulance Driver says she’s been supplementing her income by selling Nude photos of herself on the internet.
- And for anybody who buys one of her Nude pictures… she throws in a Free High Blood Pressure Pill.
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Lori Loughlin is said to be “Struggling” with prison life… including the fact that she’s only allowed four pair of shoes in her cell.
- Hey… don’t judge her until you’ve walked a mile in her Eight shoes.
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Cops dressed up like Santa and an Elf pulled a gun on a man attempting to steal a car, wrestled him to the ground and arrested him.
- Great. Now we’re gonna hear calls to “Defund the North Pole-ice.
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Police apprehended a man accused of not wearing pants at the “Next Door Food Store” in Tallmadge Township here in Michigan.
- Police were originally called because the Cashier mistakenly thought he he had THIRTEEN items in the “12 Items or Less” check out lane.
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A mall Santa upset a little boy who said he wanted a toy Nerf Gun for Christmas by telling him Santa doesn’t deliver guns of any kind.
- Santa has gotten all PC ever since Dancer and Vixen accused him of texting them “Naughty” pictures of himself.
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Queen Elizabeth’s granddaughter Zara Tindall is pregnant with her third child.
- The Queen already has 8 Great Grandkids and 8 Grandkids… Although, to be honest, she doesn’t think Harry is that “Grand”.
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A group of French Scientists claim they have trained dogs to sniff out COVID-19 on infected humans.
- I love my dog Winnie, but the only thing she can “sniff out” are my old shoes.
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A new study found that people who drink more than six glasses of water a day are happier and more optimistic than people who don’t.
- They also go through a lot more toilet paper. Well…. at least the WOMEN do.
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A six-year-old Connecticut boy racked up $16,000 in charges on his mom’s credit card while playing video games on her iPad.
- This kind of thing never happened when I used to play with my Dad’s Abacus.
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Las Vegas police arrested a man on Saturday who hopped onto the wing of a plane before takeoff at McCarran Airport.
- I usually just request a Window Seat.
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German Chancellor Angela Merkel is tightening lockdown restrictions - including closing Hair Salons again - in an effort to get the Coronavirus under control.
- German’s are said to be furious… and I think we can all agree it’s NEVER a good idea to get the German’s mad.
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RIP… Charlie Pride, one of country music’s first black stars, who passed away on Saturday in Dallas at the age of 86.
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An alligator - rumored to have been the one-time pet of Adoph Hitler - that passed away at the age of 84 in May is going to be stuffed and put on display at a Russian Museum.
- What a Croc.
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The science driving the $30 billion dollar sex robot industry is evolving so quickly that robots are capable of “feeling” and will soon be able to consent to sex.
- But only if you take it out to dinner first. I’M KIDDING!
From the entire Purtan Family to You and Yours…
Merry Christmas!
-Dick
It’s Beginning To Look a Lot Like Christmas! I had a few hours on my hand yesterday so I baked up some Gingerbread and made myself a little house……. NOT. Actually Jackie and her family made it and she says it only took about an hour and a half - complete with an Ice Cream Cone Tree, a Lollipop Lamppost, a Graham Cracker Walkway, a PopTart Wagon, a Candy Wreath, Gum Drop Bushes, a Frosting Front Door and Powdered Sugar Snow. (Doesn’t she know too much Sugar is bad for you?? I would have used Equal or Splenda!!!
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Kim Kardashian announced that she is “Gifting” 1000 of her fans $500 each to help with the Holidays.
- It IS the Most Wonderful Time of the Rear… uh, I mean YEAR.
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A German court has ordered a baker to stop using SAWDUST in his cookies - which he’s been using as an ingredient in his mail-order treats for more than 20 years.
- Well… Fiber IS supposed to be good for you.
- I can only guess what he uses in his Pecan Sand-ies.
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An L.A. County Sheriff's deputy allegedly did the “Horizontal Mambo” with an unidentified woman on the Universal Studios lot and accidentally broadcast the event over his Police Radio.
- He claims he was just following L.A.’s “Stop and Get Frisky” policy.
- The woman said it would have been more appropriate if it had happened at Disneyland’s “It’s a Small World After All”.
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Researchers from Ben-Gurion University in Israel say face masks are lowering the brain’s ability to properly recognize people’s faces.
- This is news?? Isn’t this why Bank Robbers have been wearing masks FOREVER??
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France closed its borders to arrivals from the U.K. to stem the spread of a new strain of the Coronavirus circulating in London.
- So if you want to go to France, you’ll have to fly to Berlin and march in like the Germans did.
- Look for the new rhyme… “You Can’t Leave London, To Visit France… Even to Buy Some Underpants!”
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After a brief chase, deputies apprehended a man accused of not wearing pants while Christmas shopping in a store in Michigan.
- Police were originally called because the Cashier mistakenly thought he he had THIRTEEN items in the “12 Items or Less” check out lane.
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Have a great day today and I’ll see you back here tomorrow… on Christmas Eve!
-Dick
Prez Trump signed an executive order Monday to ensure that federal buildings erected in the future will feature "Beautiful" architecture.
- Prez-Elect Biden responded saying during his administration, he’ll work hard for ALL BUILDINGS - “Both the Beautiful AND the Homely”.
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“Squad” member Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez filmed herself getting the COVID-19 vaccine and shared it with her 8.2 million Instagram followers.
- This was a big move for the former Bartender who is used to POURING SHOTS - not getting them.
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The US Military Academy at West Point is dealing with the fallout from a major cheating incident involving 72 Freshmen cadets and 1 Sophomore who allegedly cheated on an Online Calculus exam last May.
- Wow… I’m no mathematician… but that comes to 85 guys.
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Some Social Epidemiologists, believe society will make up for lost time as soon as the Pandemic is over - and turn to a “Woodstock” type lifestyle with drinking, dancing, and promiscuity.
- Speaking of Woodstock… This reminds me of the time my radio engineer, “Ankles” took a bus from Windsor to Woodstock back in 1969. He got off the bus, looked around and said, “Where is everybody??” WRONG WOODSTOCK. He was in Woodstock, Ontario not Woodstock, NY.
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A dozen drivers in Miami were arrested for blocking traffic by making Donuts in the center of an intersection.
- They got off though… Cuz the cops ate all the evidence.
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According to a survey from The Associated Press only 22% of Americans say they feel “very or extremely festive” this year, down from 49% one year ago.
- Let’s be honest… It’s not nearly as festive and heartwarming to sing “There’s No Place Like Home for the Holidays”… when “Home” is the only place you’re allowed to be.
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
Yesterday, Dr. Anthony Fauci said that after getting vaccinated “Santa Claus is good to go!”.
- But how’s Santa gonna land on my roof if Rudolph’s nose is covered by his mask??
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Tonight… December 21… Jupiter and Saturn will appear so closely aligned in our sky that they will look like a double planet dubbed “The Christmas Star” - an event that hasn’t happened since March 4, 1226.
- And if you want to see a “Super Moon”… just look at a pic of Kim Kardashian’s butt. They’re all over the place.
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Speaking of Outer Space… "Star Trek” actor George Takei is under fire for a tweet implying that he wanted Sen. Marco Rubio to have an allergic reaction to the vaccine.
- Wouldn’t you think a guy who was on Star Trek would want everyone to “Live Long and Prosper”??
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The Government of Panama announced that men and women will only be allowed to shop on separate days to stop the spread of the Virus.
- If only they had some way to keep people apart… like say a River… or maybe even a… Canal.
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A beloved 70-year-old Taco Bell Worker who has been working at the same Florida location for the last twenty-years was brought to tears when he was given a $6000 tip last week.
- Here’s another tip for him… DON’T EAT THE FOOD AT TACO BELL.
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On this day in 1620 the Pilgrims disembarked from the Mayflower and came ashore at Plymouth Rock in Massachusetts.
- Wait… you mean they landed AFTER Thanksgiving??
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
Santa Claus visited a nursing home in Belgium last week and now 75 residents and St. Nick himself have tested positive for COVID.
- You mean Santa Claus is REAL??? … And Christmas is only 11 days away… And he’s in QUARANTINE???
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The Cleveland “Indians” will reportedly change their name to something less “offensive”.
- Their NAME may be Offensive to some people… but their team record isn’t. Over the last five years, Cleveland Won 415 games… the Tigers Won 284. (I actually did the math on this).
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Amazon’s new health-tracking bracelet - the “Halo” - comes with a microphone and an app that tells you if you haven’t exercised enough - and if thinks you’re too fat, it shows you a 3-D rendering of your near-naked body.
- It’s kinda like like going through the X-Ray Screener Machine at the airport… only with this thing you can keep your shoes on.
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The “Halo” even listens to your voice and will tell you if your tone is “Overbearing” or if you sound “Irritated”.
- We had a similar device when I was growing up… We called it “Mom and Dad”.
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Time Magazine is facing criticism for naming Joe Biden and Kamala Harris as its “Person of the Year”
In a related story… Hunter Biden was chosen as “Person of the Year” by Better Beijing Homes & Gardens.
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Social Media went crazy over Time’s choice… saying the honor should have gone to America’s Health Care Workers instead.
- Well duh!!!
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
TUESDAY IN PROGRESS…
Biden raised eyebrows when he coughed 4 times during his first Presidential speech to the Nation yesterday, but he said he just has a cold.
- Kamala said she was sorry he had a cold… but Insiders say she was really hoping for something worse.
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Google went down on Monday morning after a service interruption.
- For those of you over 50… it’s like someone Super-Gluing the pages of your Encyclopedia together.
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Prince Harry and his wife Meghan Markle have signed a multi-MILLION dollar deal with Spotify to produce and star in a series of Podcasts… starting with a Holiday Special called “The Nutcracker”.
- Harry will Narrate… and Meghan will play The Nutcracker.
- Meghan is like the new Kim Kardashian… but with less junk in her trunk.
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Speaking of the Ex-Royals… Meghan Markle honored COVID-19 workers during a surprise appearance on CNN’s Heroes Special.
- The real story here is that they call any TV appearance by Meghan Markle a “Surprise”.
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A study found that drinking Wine and eating Cheese will REDUCE Cognitive Decline in older adults.
- So now you can celebrate the Holidays and promote better heath at the same time by enjoying a bottle of Chateau Lafite Rothschild with a delicious Velveeta Grilled Cheese Sandwich.
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In Utah, Rabbits are being plagued by a highly contagious virus that is not transmissible to humans.
- I wish I had more info for you… But Th… Th… Th… That’s All Folks!
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
Happy Birthday to Donny Osmond who turns 63 today.
- Now he’s a Little Bit Country, A Little Bit Rock ‘n Roll and a Little Bit Hard of Hearing.
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New research found that the average American has to remember more than 100 passwords for their computer and phone.
- Lucky for me, I’ve always been below average.
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KFC has teamed up with Lifetime to produce a TV mini-movie called “A Recipe For Seduction” featuring a sexy Colonel Sanders involved in a love triangle.
- In today’s “Woke” world, the movie will probably be rated R because it shows Chicken Breasts.
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The White House announced that President Trump is going to attend this weekend’s Army-Navy football game at West Point.
- No matter what the score, Trump’s expected to demand a recount… so we won’t know who won for weeks.
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A survey found that the most popular workout songs of all time are “We Will Rock You,” “Eye Of The Tiger,” and “Welcome To The Jungle.”
- I used to listen to the “Hokey Pokey” while I was on the treadmill but I kept falling off.
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A 90-year-old grandmother became the first person to get the COVID-19 vaccine in Britain on Tuesday.
- Grandma said the shot “hurt a bit” but wasn’t nearly as painful as “Getting run over by a Reindeer:
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RIP… Chuck Yeager, who died at the age of 97 on Monday. Yeager broke the sound barrier for the first time, shot down eleven Nazi planes in World War II, and was immortalized in the movie “The Right Stuff.”
Yesterday marked the 40th Anniversary of the death of John Lennon… who was killed at the age of 40 by Mark David Chapman. John has now been gone for as long as he was alive… Hard to “Imagine”.
And my apologies for not mentioning the 79th Anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor on Monday’s blog. More than 1000 men remain ensconced in the USS Arizona to this day.
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Have a great Wednesday and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
IKEA has scrapped its print catalogue, marking the end of its historic 70 year run.
- Maybe now they can focus on printing something else…. LIKE INSTRUCTIONS.
*****
MasterCard and Visa are investigating their relationship with PornHub after the adult site was accused of showing graphic videos that broke the law.
- Luckily PornHub has a special deal with Capitol One with a new theme line… “What’s In Your Pocket?”
*****
Ivanka Trump and her husband Jared Kushner have bought a $30 million plot of land on a high security Miami island known as “Billionaire’s Bunker.”
- $30 MILLION is a lot… but doesn’t every couple need a Starter Mansion??
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The internet went crazy after Miley Cyrus posed topless in the latest issue of Rolling Stone.
- This is the first time Miley has done something like this. Since last Wednesday.
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Skateboard, Surfing and Break-Dancing have been confirmed as Official Olympic Sports for the Paris games in 2024.
-
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After a brief chase, deputies apprehended a man accused of not wearing pants at the Next Door Food Store in Tallmadge Township here in Michigan.
- Police were originally called because the Cashier mistakenly thought he was he had THIRTEEN items in the “12 Items or Less” check out lane.
*****
A mall Santa upset a little boy who said he wanted a toy Nerf Gun for Christmas by telling him Santa doesn’t deliver guns of any kind.
- Santa has gotten all PC ever since Dancer and Vixen accused him of texting them “Naughty” pictures of himself.
*****
Lori Loughlin’s daughter Olivia Jade says she hasn’t spoke to either of her parents since they went to prison for the College Admissions Scandal.
- In her defense, she’s been pretty busy to pretending to train for the Rowing Team.
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Vladimir Putin 'has secretly moved to his summer home to avoid catching Covid and had an exact replica of his office built so Russians still believe he is in Moscow.
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Rapper “Boogie wit da Hoodie” was arrested in New Jersey on Weapons charges.
- If sent to jail, he’ll be known as
Anti-Kremlin outlet Proekt media has reported that Russian President Vladimir Putin moved into his summer residence at Sochi but built a replica office to convince Russia's he's still Moscow.
A 9-pound goldfish was found in a South Carolina lake, county park officials announced Monday.
A maskless Florida man was arrested for “Coughing and Spitting” on the Geek Squad at Best Buy.
- I thought “Coughing and Spitting” was a new morning radio show.
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New York City’s surge in Coronavirus cases has been linked to a “Burning Man” Festival in Mexico.
- Making COVID the 116th Virus to be spread at the “Burning Man” Festival so far this year.
- So Prez Trump was wrong when he called it the “China Virus”… It’s the Mexican Virus.
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Investment giant Goldman Sachs is planning to move its $8 billion dollar asset management arm from New York to Florida.
- They’re going from “The City That Never Sleeps” or “The City That Never Sleeps Because It’s Up All Night With a Bad Hip”.
Israel’s former Space Security Chief says there ARE Aliens and that mankind has made contact with them, but they’re refraining from announcing it officially because “Humanity is not ready”.
- I don’t know about Humanity, but I’M not ready.
- The closest I’ve come to seeing an Alien is
- Note: I said FORMER Space Security Chief.
- If it’s true, it’s a Small Step for Mankind… But a Giant Leap for Little Green Men.
President Trump held a two-hour rally in Georgia on Saturday Night in which he slammed Democrats for Voter Fraud.
- He even mentioned Michigan in his speech when he read a Christmas story called “The Gretch that Stole the Election”.
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President-Elect Biden joked that if he and Kamala Harris disagree on moral issues, he’ll, “Develop some disease” and say he “has to resign."
- If there’s a “Joke” in there somewhere… I must have missed it.
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The most popular names for Cats and Dogs in 2020 reflect what we’ve been through… with “Covi” “Rona” and “Corona” all making the Top 10.
- Except in Portland, Oregon where the top Dog names are are “Defund the Police” and “Mostly Peaceful Protestors”.
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The New York Times is reporting that fortune telling has become one of the fastest growing businesses during the Pandemic with a 70% increase in people getting their palms read over the Internet.
- That sounds about as effective as getting your Prostate checked on Zoom.
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A Chicago doctor has told NBC News that COVID-19 could cause Erectile Dysfunction.
- So THAT’s the problem.
- Which reminds me… I’ve got to pull out my favorite Christmas Album… William Hung’s “Hung for the Holidays”.
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Bob Dylan has sold the copyrights to his entire music catalog for an estimated $300 MILLION.
- Bob had no comment… or maybe he did, but nobody could understand him.
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
According to research by Haagen Das, American’s favorite Ice Cream during the Pandemic has been… Vanilla.
- Hmmm. When I think “2020” I think “Rocky Road”.
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4 in 5 Americans say they need to be cheered up and want some Joy in their life.
- The other 1 in 5 want some Whoopi.
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Dolly Parton joked that, after 54 years of marriage, she’s sick of her husband Carl Dean.
- Carl says he’s thought about leaving Dolly over the years, but he always thinks of a couple of big reasons to stay.
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Former President Bill Clinton says he’ll volunteer to get a Covid-19 vaccine on camera to promote public confidence in the vaccine's safety.
- This is a departure for Bill who usually gets his shots AFTER he gets a virus.
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Restaurants in Singapore will be the first in the world to serve Chicken Nuggets made out of Faux-Chicken grown in a Lab.
- Yum!
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British Airways is investigating claims that one of its Flight Attendants worked as a prostitute who offered “adult entertainment” to passengers during flights.
- Boy… the airlines charge you extra for EVERYTHING these days.
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Christmas Tree Farmers say because more people are staying home for the holidays… demand for REAL Christmas trees has gone through the roof.
- I’d be up for a REAL tree… but it’s really hard to find one that comes Pre-Lit.
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!
-Dick
Last night, CBS aired the Holiday Classic “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”.
- But to make it more “Woke”, in this year’s special, instead of the usual 8 Reindeer behind Rudolph, there were only 3 because of Gov. Whitmer’s limits on Holiday Gatherings.
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Researchers from eight European countries concluded that a Mediterranean Diet promotes healthy aging in adults.
- This came as BIG NEWS… in 1962.
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Intelligence officials believe Kim Jong-un received an “Untested, Experimental” Coronavirus vaccine from the Chinese government.
- Looks more like he got an “Untested, Experimental” Haircut.
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Chinese scientists claim they have built an aircraft that travels 16 times faster than the speed of sound that can reach anywhere in the world within two hours.
- Which is great if you have a sudden hankering for REALLY AUTHENTIC Sweet & Sour Chicken.
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We have an Update on the story we brought you yesterday about the Kazakhstani Bodybuilder who married a sex doll after an eighteen month romance.
- They’ve been married less than a week and she’s already giving him the Silent Treatment.
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The Tony The Tiger Sun Bowl has been canceled for the first time since 1935.
- Well. Thats. Just. Grrrrrreat!
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Have a Grrrrrreat day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
CNN ran an “EXCLUSIVE” story yesterday claiming that China lied about the extent of the Virus and didn’t do enough to stop it last year.
- Call me crazy but isn’t that exactly what the President’s been saying since last March??
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Joe Biden is now in a walking boot after he broke several bones in his foot while playing with his German Shepherd, “Major”.
- Apparently this means Kamala Harris is now “One Frisebee Throw Away From the Presidency”.
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Researchers at McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario found that toxic chemicals are weakening bones in the River Otter’s penis.
- They have BONES in their PENISES???
- Right now every man reading this is saying, “How can I get me one of them bones?!”
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New York City dropped out of the Top 10 Most Expensive Zip Codes in the U.S. for the first time ever.
- Start spreading the news.
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In a new Climate Documentary, Prince Harry said that we should all think of ourselves as “Raindrops” and do what we can to relieve the “Parched ground”.
- I’m thinking there have been a few too many Raindrops Fallin’ on Harry’s head lately.
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Psychologist say that with Bars closed and no sporting events to attend during the Pandemic, Men’s friendships have become more like Women’s.
- I don’t know if this counts… but Big Al stopped by the other day to ask me if his Jeans made his butt look big.
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I hope you saw the tribute to the late Robin Seymour on WTVS last night. Robin was on WKMH, later Keener 13, and the host of “Swingin’ Time” on Channel 9 during the 40’s, 50’s and 60’s. He was also a terrific guy!
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
It’s Cyber Monday! The day set aside to get everything you forgot to buy on “Black Friday”… and “Small Business Saturday… and the day before “Tapped Out Tuesday”.
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Over the weekend, a Kazakhstani bodybuilder married his sex doll “Margo” after a whirlwind romance.
- She’s not the first bride to walk down the aisle with fake boobs.
- If you want to get ‘em a gift, they’re registered at “Bed, Bath & Batteries”.
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Health officials now say if you traveled for Thanksgiving and spent the holiday with family, you should “Assume that you have the Virus”.
- Merry Christmas!
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President-Elect Biden slipped while playing with his pet German Sheppard “Major” over the weekend and suffered hairline fractures in his foot. Meanwhile, Joe and Jill announced they’ll be getting a Cat while they’re in the White House.
- For some reason this reminded me of when Bill Clinton was running for a second term and Hillary announced that they were thinking about ADOPTING A BABY. (Sure… Uh huh) Maybe I have that wrong… Maybe they were talking about adopting a “Babe”.
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Critics pointed out that Prez. Trump was the first President in a generation who didn’t have ANY Pets in the White House.
- He didn’t need any Pets since the Dems had him in the Dog House for the last 4 years.
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Biden made history by announcing his “Communication Team” that is made up of 100% women.
- But they were unable to come to the announcement ceremony because he couldn’t get ‘em off the phone.
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
Happy Day after Turkey Day… Not to mention the entire Weekend!!!
Gobble! Gobble!
-Dick
From the entire Purtan Family to You and Yours…
Happy Thanksgiving!
-Dick
President Trump pardoned two turkeys at the White House yesterday… a tradition started by President George H.W. Bush.
- So Apparently it WASN’T OFFICIAL when Gerald Ford pardoned President Nixon.
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Joe Biden hinted that he WILL NOT offer Bernie Sanders or Elizabeth Warren a position in his Cabinet so they can continue serving in the Senate.
- Democrat insiders say Bernie is mad… and Elizabeth is “On the Warpath”. (Sorry about that… It never gets old. At least to me. I just can’t seem to stop).
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Election observers in Wisconsin were given wristbands featuring the “Smiling Poop Emojis” to wear while watching the ballot recounts on Tuesday. Officials say it was to show proof they passed a COVID test.
- Sounds more like they passed a Colonoscopy.
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A new study found that people over 45 are at a greater risk of catching Sexually Transmitted Infections - because Society doesn’t talk about people having sex later in life.
- So if you’re looking for a topic to bring up with your Grandparents during your Zoom Thanksgiving……..
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The Mayor of Los Angeles has ordered Police to knock on people's doors to make sure they're adhering to Official Pandemic Crowd Restrictions.
- The program is called “You’d-Better-Not-Have-Too-Many-People… Home for the Holidays”.
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Meanwhile… Oregon Gov. Kate Brown is being slammed for telling people to TURN-IN neighbors who violate COVID rules this Thanksgiving - weeks after the State decriminalized ALL drugs.
- Apparently the lesson here is… Feel free to stuff your Turkey with Cocaine… but if you invite your Aunt and Uncle over for dinner - you’ll be arrested.
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There are reports that President Trump may get another Reality Show once he leaves office.
- Correction… that’s IF he leaves office.
- Meanwhile, after last weeks press conference, Rudy Giuliani has been signed-on to be the new Spokesperson for “Miss Clairol”.
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A new study found that 60% of Americans fear they won't see their loved ones this holiday season.
- And the other 40% are fearful they WILL.
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No matter how you spend your Holiday in this most unusual of years, I wish you Health and Happiness on Thanksgiving and during the whole Joyous Season. Personally, I have so much to be Thankful for… including all of you!
Have a great Holiday Weekend!
-Dick
The Oxford Dictionary staff said they were unable to settle on just one “Word of the Year” for 2020.
- I’ve got plenty of suggestions… but I can’t print ‘em here because ALL of ‘em are 4-Letters Words. .
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NY Gov. Andrew Cuomo - who sent more than 6000 people with COVID to Nursing Homes - was given the “International Founders Emmy” on Monday for his “Masterful use of TV” during the Pandemic.
- This is like giving me the “Lifetime Achievement Oscar” for my 11 second voice-over in Beverly Hills Cop III.
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A new study finds that drinking coffee from Paper Cups may be bad for your health because of Plastic Particles that melt into the drink.
- So now there’s PLASTIC in PAPER?? This explains why my Grandkids are always trying to get me to play “Rock, PLASTIC, Scissors”.
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A new study by the Scottish Association of Marine Science found that Blue Whales have returned to the coast of Georgia after nearly going extinct.
- So this is what they meant by a “Blue Wave” before the election.
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The world's last known White Male Giraffe has been given a GPS tracking device in Kenya.
- Apparently he caught his wife necking with another Giraffe and wants to track her car.
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A synagogue in NY has been slapped with a $15,000 fine after hosting a secret 7000 person wedding that’s being called a “Super Spreader”.
- Question… How do you make a 7000 person wedding SECRET??
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! (Unless we have another Technical Glitch like we did Yesterday).
-Dick
A new study found that regularly eating Eggs can increase your chances of diabetes.
- Do Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs count?
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A study by the University of California found that face masks do NOT impede your breathing during workouts, although you may think they do.
- So next time you work out with a mask and you get that suffocation feeling causing you to panic and think you can’t breath… just remember, it’s all in your head.
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A man and woman down South were arrested for having sex in plain view of passing motorists on a main road.
- To explain her actions to the Cops, the woman told them “We were just having a little fun on our way to our vacation in Florida”. The man told the Cops, “No…no…no. We’re not going to Florida. All I told her was, I was gonna Tampa with ya”.
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Police in London say $7 million dollars in Apple Products were stolen in a highway robbery.
- Speaking of Highway Robbery… Apple’s new iPhone can set you back up to a thousand bucks.
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Due to a lack of business caused by the Pandemic, a popular Nudist Bed & Breakfast in New Orleans has shut down.
- They also closed the attached Nudist Diner known for it’s “Hot Dog and Bottomless Fries”.
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A study found that people who regularly get a good night's sleep lower their risk of heart failure by 42%.
- And if their hearts DO fail they won’t know it because they’re asleep.
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Elon Musk became the world’s third-richest person this week, leapfrogging over Mark Zuckerberg and bringing in $170,000 PER SECOND.
- For those of you who aren’t good at math, that works out to $340,000 EVERY TWO SECONDS. “Your welcome”.
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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!
-Dick