Happy Day after Turkey Day… Not to mention the entire Weekend!!!
Gobble! Gobble!
-Dick
From the entire Purtan Family to You and Yours…
Happy Thanksgiving!
-Dick
President Trump pardoned two turkeys at the White House yesterday… a tradition started by President George H.W. Bush.
- So Apparently it WASN’T OFFICIAL when Gerald Ford pardoned President Nixon.
*****
Joe Biden hinted that he WILL NOT offer Bernie Sanders or Elizabeth Warren a position in his Cabinet so they can continue serving in the Senate.
- Democrat insiders say Bernie is mad… and Elizabeth is “On the Warpath”. (Sorry about that… It never gets old. At least to me. I just can’t seem to stop).
*****
Election observers in Wisconsin were given wristbands featuring the “Smiling Poop Emojis” to wear while watching the ballot recounts on Tuesday. Officials say it was to show proof they passed a COVID test.
- Sounds more like they passed a Colonoscopy.
*****
A new study found that people over 45 are at a greater risk of catching Sexually Transmitted Infections - because Society doesn’t talk about people having sex later in life.
- So if you’re looking for a topic to bring up with your Grandparents during your Zoom Thanksgiving……..
*****
The Mayor of Los Angeles has ordered Police to knock on people's doors to make sure they're adhering to Official Pandemic Crowd Restrictions.
- The program is called “You’d-Better-Not-Have-Too-Many-People… Home for the Holidays”.
*****
Meanwhile… Oregon Gov. Kate Brown is being slammed for telling people to TURN-IN neighbors who violate COVID rules this Thanksgiving - weeks after the State decriminalized ALL drugs.
- Apparently the lesson here is… Feel free to stuff your Turkey with Cocaine… but if you invite your Aunt and Uncle over for dinner - you’ll be arrested.
*****
There are reports that President Trump may get another Reality Show once he leaves office.
- Correction… that’s IF he leaves office.
- Meanwhile, after last weeks press conference, Rudy Giuliani has been signed-on to be the new Spokesperson for “Miss Clairol”.
*****
A new study found that 60% of Americans fear they won't see their loved ones this holiday season.
- And the other 40% are fearful they WILL.
*****
No matter how you spend your Holiday in this most unusual of years, I wish you Health and Happiness on Thanksgiving and during the whole Joyous Season. Personally, I have so much to be Thankful for… including all of you!
Have a great Holiday Weekend!
-Dick
The Oxford Dictionary staff said they were unable to settle on just one “Word of the Year” for 2020.
- I’ve got plenty of suggestions… but I can’t print ‘em here because ALL of ‘em are 4-Letters Words. .
*****
NY Gov. Andrew Cuomo - who sent more than 6000 people with COVID to Nursing Homes - was given the “International Founders Emmy” on Monday for his “Masterful use of TV” during the Pandemic.
- This is like giving me the “Lifetime Achievement Oscar” for my 11 second voice-over in Beverly Hills Cop III.
*****
A new study finds that drinking coffee from Paper Cups may be bad for your health because of Plastic Particles that melt into the drink.
- So now there’s PLASTIC in PAPER?? This explains why my Grandkids are always trying to get me to play “Rock, PLASTIC, Scissors”.
*****
A new study by the Scottish Association of Marine Science found that Blue Whales have returned to the coast of Georgia after nearly going extinct.
- So this is what they meant by a “Blue Wave” before the election.
*****
The world's last known White Male Giraffe has been given a GPS tracking device in Kenya.
- Apparently he caught his wife necking with another Giraffe and wants to track her car.
*****
A synagogue in NY has been slapped with a $15,000 fine after hosting a secret 7000 person wedding that’s being called a “Super Spreader”.
- Question… How do you make a 7000 person wedding SECRET??
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! (Unless we have another Technical Glitch like we did Yesterday).
-Dick
A new study found that regularly eating Eggs can increase your chances of diabetes.
- Do Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs count?
*****
A study by the University of California found that face masks do NOT impede your breathing during workouts, although you may think they do.
- So next time you work out with a mask and you get that suffocation feeling causing you to panic and think you can’t breath… just remember, it’s all in your head.
*****
A man and woman down South were arrested for having sex in plain view of passing motorists on a main road.
- To explain her actions to the Cops, the woman told them “We were just having a little fun on our way to our vacation in Florida”. The man told the Cops, “No…no…no. We’re not going to Florida. All I told her was, I was gonna Tampa with ya”.
*****
Police in London say $7 million dollars in Apple Products were stolen in a highway robbery.
- Speaking of Highway Robbery… Apple’s new iPhone can set you back up to a thousand bucks.
*****
Due to a lack of business caused by the Pandemic, a popular Nudist Bed & Breakfast in New Orleans has shut down.
- They also closed the attached Nudist Diner known for it’s “Hot Dog and Bottomless Fries”.
*****
A study found that people who regularly get a good night's sleep lower their risk of heart failure by 42%.
- And if their hearts DO fail they won’t know it because they’re asleep.
*****
Elon Musk became the world’s third-richest person this week, leapfrogging over Mark Zuckerberg and bringing in $170,000 PER SECOND.
- For those of you who aren’t good at math, that works out to $340,000 EVERY TWO SECONDS. “Your welcome”.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!
-Dick
Joe Biden told his advisors he wants to avoid investigations into Donald Trump's business dealings because it could divide the country.
- And we wouldn’t want something like that happening.
- I’m thinking maybe Joe doesn’t want somebody ELSE’s business dealings investigated.
*****
President Trump has changed his hair color from Orange to Gray.
- Rumor has it, when he leaves the White House he’ll star in a new TV Series… “Gray is the New Orange”.
*****
The CDC is encouraging people who host Thanksgiving parties to refrain from singing or shouting because it spreads Coronavirus more easily.
- Well there goes my annual rendition of “Apples, Peaches, Pumpkin Pie” by Jay and the Techniques.
*****
They’re also encouraging people to keep their pets away from visitors who don’t live in the house.
- It has nothing to do with COVID… they just don’t want their legs humped.
*****
The team of four NASA Astronauts flying on the Space X capsule are now fully docked at the International Space Station.
- But since they flew, the CDC is asking them to Quarantine - basically sitting around doing nothing on Uranus for 14 days.
*****
With no challenger in sight, Speaker Nancy Pelosi should breeze through her reelection bid in today’s House leadership vote and move closer to what is expected to be her final two-year term as Speaker of the House.
- Nancy wants to get her hair done for the occasion. I sure hope she can get an appointment!
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
CNN didn’t cover the Anti-MAGA riot in D.C. over the weekend, but they DO HAVE an article on their website this morning entitled: “Anderson (Cooper) on How He Pronounces Difficult Words On-Air”.
- Thus their slogan… “CNN. The Most Trusted Name in How to Pronounce Stuff”.
*****
First Snow of the Season… and First Snow EVER for our Winnie. As you can see… She’s not too crazy about getting her paws in the white stuff! Like Father… Like Furry Daughter!
*****
Researchers at the University of Grenada claim that taking your dog for a walk may raise your risk of catching COVID by 78%.
- But NOT taking your dog for a walk increases your chance of needing to have your carpets cleaned by 100%.
*****
New York City's first electric taxi, a Model 3 Tesla, hit the streets this weekend.
- It’s got that great “New Taxi Smell” which, by the way is WAY better than that “Old Taxi Smell”.
*****
In a new book written before her death last Spring, “InternGate” whistleblower Linda Tripp said Bill Clinton held what were known as “10 Minute Meetings” with Monica Lewinsky in the Oval Office.
- Bill spent the OTHER 9 minutes asking Monica’s opinion on US Policy with Kazakhstan.
*****
A new Viral Video shows a Kookaburra Bird swooping in and stealing an Australian man’s sausage - as he held it in his hand at a campground.
- In case you were wondering… it wasn’t a NUDIST campground.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
Prez Trump waved to the crowd from his Limo at the “Million MAGA March” rally in Washington this weekend, and then when golfing.
- After his first shot, he asked for a Do-Over... For the Election… Not his shot.
*****
Meanwhile, Joe Biden stayed home but DID go out for a bike ride.
- If you have any idea where he ended up, please call his wife Jill.
*****
A new survey found that over 300,000 residents have moved out of New York City in the past eight months because of rising crime rates.
- On a bright note… it’s launched a new business… “Three Hundred Thousand Men and a Truck”.
*****
A group of Psychologists are studying the mental effects of being in a relationship with Sex Robots.
- Early results indicate its great at the beginning but… “But then the sex gets kind of Mechanical”.
*****
Meantime, the four day Swinger’s Convention known as “Naughty In Nawlins” is under way despite rising cases of Coronavirus.
- To be honest, people who go to a “Swinger’s Convention” don’t strike me as the type to worry about picking up a Virus.
*****
Dolly Parton says she thinks it was “God’s plan” that she not have kids… so she could focus on Charity for All Children instead.
Well that… and the fact that if she Breast fed, her kids could have drowned.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
A rather hefty Leonardo DiCaprio was spotted taking a walk a beach in Malibu.
- Looks like he hit the Midnight Buffet on the Titanic before it went down.
- He said he’s going on a “Salad Diet” to lose weight saying, “Ice Berg Lettuce… Dead Ahead!” (Ba Da Doom)
*****
Due to the Pandemic, the CDC is suggesting that Americans have Thanksgiving outside.
- Hey if eating outside was good enough for the Pilgrims and Elizabeth Warren, it’s good enough for us!
*****
McDonald’s will introduce a new Vegan burger next year named the “McPlant”.
- In other “Woke” news… the Hamburglar is demanding that Mayor McCheese “Defund Officer Big Mac”.
*****
In a related story, McDonald’s say’s “Meat-Free Chicken” could be next.
- Thus the age old question, “Why Did the Meat-Free Chicken Cross the Road?”
*****
Steven Speilberg’s 24 year old daughter Mikaela who has made headlines as a soft porn actress says her Dad continues to be supportive of her “work”.
- She’s even doing a new film dedicated to her Dad… “Saving Ryan’s Privates”.
*****
Alec Baldwin says he’ll be appearing less on “Saturday Night Live” now that President Trump is leaving the White House.
- And half the Country said there wouldn’t be anything good to come out of a Biden win.
- Alec says it will allow him to spend more time pursing “pet projects” like beating up people over parking spaces.
*****
Phil Collins estranged wife claims the singer “Didn’t shower or brush his teeth for months at a time”.
- Well at lease now we know what was “In the Air Tonight”.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!
-Dick
Today is Veteran’s Day… I believe the quote above says it beautifully. To all of our Veterans...we not only Salute You, but Thank You, for your Service and the Sacrifices You and Your Families made for our Great Country. At a time of deep disagreement, I think we can all agree on that.
*****
Mike Tyson said he used a prosthetic penis called “The Whizzinator” to pass drug tests during his boxing career.
- “The Whizzinator” sounds like the Doctor you call when you have bladder control issues.
*****
Meanwhile yesterday, Richard Branson's “Virgin Hyperloop,” which transports passengers at a hypersonic 600mph had it’s first human test.
- I thought the“Virgin Hyperloop” was the name of a new Birth Control device.
*****
Portland, Oregon City Commissioner Jo Ann Hardesty, who for months has been pushing to “Defund the Police”, CALLED 911 yesterday after a Lyft driver canceled her ride and asked her to get out of his car.
- NOTE TO MISS HARDESTY: Police are like Toilet Paper. You never know how much you need ‘em until you run out.
*****
Scientists at the University of Santa Maria have examined the first complete brain of a dinosaur.
- “The exam didn’t hurt a bit” said Larry King.
*****
The UK-based Collins Dictionary has announced it’s “Word of the Year” for 2020 and the winner is… LOCKDOWN.
- In a related story, this year’s “Zoom Meeting of the Year” award goes to CNN’s Jeffrey Toobin.
*****
Have a great day, Thank a Veteran and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
It’s National Sesame Street Day! Sesame Street premiered on PBS on this day in 1969.
- And the tradition of watching two angry old white guys argue on TV continues to this day.
*****
President Elect Joe Biden confirmed the members of his Coronavirus task force Monday which is made up mostly of doctors.
- Among them: Dr. Ruth, Dr. Seuss, and Dr. Zhivago.
*****
With Pzifer’s announcement that they have a COVID Vacine, stock in Video-Meeting giant “ZOOM” fell dramatically because theoretically people will be able to go back to in-person meetings.
- So if you still want to see people talking in boxes like on ZOOM, you’ll have to watch reruns of Hollywood Squares on the BUZZR Channel. (One of my favorite Channels).
*****
On Monday’s episode of “The View”, Whoopi Goldberg angrily told Trump supporters to “Suck it up Like WE sucked it up”.
- So… Apparently the Impeachment Hearings of Prez-Elect Biden are about to begin!!!
*****
A new compilation of hundreds of studies further confirmed that people who regularly eat spicy foods including Chili Peppers and Hot Sauce have a lower risk of dying early.
- With heartburn to beat the band, they’ll just WISH they were dead.
*****
George Stephanopolous is said to be actively trying to get the Jeopardy! job after the death of Alex Trebek.
- I’m not feeling too good about George’s chances… He’s only 5’ 5” and I believe the Rule is: “You Must Be at Least as Tall as the Podium” to be the host.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
Chances are President-Elect Biden won’t be as active as Prez Trump was on Twitter.
- No matter which candidate you voted for, you gotta admit that’s GOOD NEWS.
*****
A French bulldog named Wilbur has been elected Mayor in the town of Rabbit Hash, Kentucky.
- Rabbit Hash sounds like a town where Elmer Fudd could have been born and had his famous feud with that “Wascawwy Wabbitt” Bugs Bunny. (Two of my favorites).
*****
Governor Whitmer says she has “no interest” in a Cabinet position in the Prez-Elect Biden’s Administration.
- Sounds like somebody’s been sitting by the phone NOT getting a call.
*****
Republican Insiders say President Trump has no plans to concede the election any time soon.
- Seriously, what’s the rush? I mean Hillary hasn’t really conceded and it’s been FOUR YEARS.
*****
A new study found that pasta eaters have a better diet quality because they eat less saturated fat and sugar so they tend to be in better shape than people who don’t eat as much pasta.
- Does that include Fettuccini Alfredo?? Wait… Wasn’t he a character in the Godfather?? (At least the the “Fredo” part?).
*****
#4 Notre Dame beat #1 Clemson in double-overtime Saturday Night.
- The refs haven’t added up all the points yet, but CNN declared Notre Dame the winner.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
And the 2020 Presidential Election drags on…
- Trump is busy filing lawsuits and Biden is taking a nap.
*****
As of this writing, ballots in 4 states are still being counted… In more important news…The adult film website “PornHub” required users to prove they voted before they could view the X-Rated website.
- You don’t wanna know where they had users put their “I Voted” stickers.
- It’s nice to see Porn watchers standing up for their favorite candidate.
*****
Oregon voted to Decriminalize possession of small amounts of drugs including Heroin, Cocaine and LSD.
- Awesome. Something ELSE the “peaceful protestors” in Portland won’t be arrested for.
*****
A study at Loyola University Chicago found that among people aged 25 to 40, exercise may lead to WEIGHT GAIN, not WEIGHT LOSS.
- This is exactly why I gave up exercising when I turned 40 last year.
*****
Due to a sharp rise in COVID cases, IKEA base Sweden has limited cafes and restaurants to 8 people per table.
- To add insult to injury, those 8 people have to BUILD the table before they’re allowed to sit down.
*****
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez slammed Democrats for not putting in enough of an effort to win over Latino voters after Joe Biden underperformed with Hispanics in states like Florida.
- And you know the old saying, “If AOC ain’t Happy… Ain’t NOBODY Happy”.
*****
A Kentucky couple got a free year’s supply of Mayonnaise as a wedding gift from Hellman’s because of their names: Marissa Helms and David Mayo.
- Hellman’s also gave them some advice for their Honeymoon… “Use a Condiment”.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!
-Dick
It’s the Day After and we don’t have a winner yet. But we do have a few questions…
- WILL Kanye West run again in 2024?
- What is the “Hanging Chad Guy” from the 2000 Election doing now?
- What did Bruce Jenner do with his/her “Spare Parts"?
- Why don’t you hear about Raccoons getting COVID… Because they always wear a mask?
- Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?
- Why did “The English Patient”, “Shakespeare in Love” and the song “It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp” all win Oscars???
- Why did we do this list?
Why not?
Have a great day, hope your candidate wins and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
-
- Why DID the Chicken Cross the Road.
- Why will I have for dinner tonight???
Oh yeah, and that Presidential thing.
Stay tuned… Because I Said So.
Why? Why Not?
Why are you contenting to read this list!
*****
HE CONCEDED!!!
Yes… After receiving just 57,000 votes Nationwide, Kanye West has admitted defeat in the Presidential Election. Who did you think I was talking about??? We still don’t know about the other 2 candidates.
Only one day to go to the Election. I think we can all agree that no matter who takes the Presidency, we’ll ALL be winners because the Political Ads, Robocalls and Text Messages will STOP! Unfortunately, since it may take days (weeks?) to count the votes… we’ll be “Les Miserables” for a while longer.
*****
A Florida man was arrested for calling 9-1-1 and telling them that he saw “Little Green Aliens” on the ground.
- Turns out they were Frogs.
*****
Lady Gaga is taking heat for dressing up as a camouflage wearing, beer-swilling “Redneck” Trump supporter, to try and get votes for Biden.
- Camouflage is okay, but I think she looks better in her meat dresses… especially the “Strip” Steak.
*****
Looking for a Christmas gift for the heavy sleeper in your life? Check out “Sonic Bomb”, which not only blasts a 113 decibel alarm but also shakes your bed and flashes lights.
- That reminds me of something that happened back in my High School days… I had a friend named Bob Bemisderfer who had trouble getting out of bed in the morning for school. His mother would come in the room, and try to get him up. If it took more than two or three times, she’d yell “GET UP… OR YOUR ASS IS GRASS AND I’M THE LAWN MOWER“ (True!)
*****
According to a new survey by Panera, the average family argues 156 times a year over where to have dinner and that it takes an average of 17 minutes for them to decide.
- It never took that long in our house because it only took us 10 seconds to tell our six kids that we were eating in “The Kitchen”.
*****
An oceanfront Palm Beach estate once owned by John Lennon and his wife Yoko has sold for $36 MILLION - a bargain considering it was listed at $47 MILLION.
- The buyers got it for a Song… Hopefully not one by Yoko!!
*****
RIP… Sean Connery who died from dementia on Saturday at the age of 90. He leaves behind his wife of 45 years and one son. But maybe he’ll return someday, because in his film James Bond reminded us, “You Only Live TWICE”.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday… Election Day! So if you haven’t already… VOTE!
-Dick
During a video call fundraiser, Joe Biden told Oprah that his son Hunter is “The smartest man I know”.
- Joe needs to get out of the basement and meet some new people.
*****
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg and Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey testified before Congress about their decisions to restrict pro-Trump stories on social media yesterday.
- With that beard he looks like one of those Confederate Statues “protestors” were tearing down.
*****
A man broke into a restaurant in the UK and was found the next day passed out next to bottles of booze and a half eaten cheesecake.
- Who among us hasn’t tried to relive our college days?
*****
Kim Kardashian continues to be slammed on Twitter for taking her family to a private island to celebrate her 40th Birthday during the Pandemic.
- Kim went skinny dipping on the trip… confusing astronomers who weren’t expecting the next “Supermoon” until March of 2021.
*****
Caitlyn Jenner will star in a new Sitcom.
- Working titles include: “How I Became Your Mother”, “THAT Girl”, and “Slightly Less Than Two & a Half Men”.
*****
Donald Trump’s campaign website was briefly ‘seized’ by hackers Tuesday who claimed to have evidence that ‘completely discredits’ him as President.
- Looks like Hillary finally found her 33,000 missing emails.
*****
The new movie about Bob Dylan’s life and career has been put on hold because of COVID.
- How many projects have been shut down because of the Virus? The answer my friend is blowing in the wind - so make sure you wear a mask.
*****
Daylight Savings Time comes to an end this Sunday at 2am… meaning we turn our clocks back one hour.
- Usually I look forward to it because we get an extra hour of sleep… but this year, it means we have to wait ANOTHER WHOLE HOUR for the Election to be over.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!
-Dick
President Trump says he’ll make sure the Coronavirus vaccine is FREE for Medicare and Medicaid recipients.
- That’s great! Now all we need is the Vaccine…
*****
During a TV interview last night (pic above) Hunter Biden’s former business partner, Tony Bobulinski, said he met with Hunter, Joe Biden, and Joe’s brother Jim, at THEIR request to discuss business dealings with a Chinese Company which he says would have netted the BIDEN FAMILY MILLIONS and made Joe beholden to China if he wins.
- So far no comment from Joe, the American Media, or Chinese Checkers.
*****
Meanwhile, Google Trends revealed that thousands of people who voted by mail are asking to change their VOTE in the wake of the Bobulinski revelations last night.
- Also, Hillary Clinton asked Google to change the OUTCOME of the LAST Election.
*****
Fox News has been hit with a mild Coronavirus outbreak that has several top executives quarantining.
- They haven’t had this many execs quarantining sine the “Sexual Harassment” outbreak of 2018.
*****
Rapper “Lil Pump” continues to make headlines for his over the top endorsement of Donald Trump for President on Instagram.
- Lil Pump has also come out in support of Jeffrey Toobin.
*****
Prince Harry said he didn’t understand Bias until he’d walked a week in his wife Meghan Markle’s shoes.
- And those shoes are $3,195 Christian Louboutin heels.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
Happy Belated Birthday to Hillary Clinton who turned 73 yesterday!
- In keeping with tradition, Bill gave her a handmade card that read, “You may be 73! But remember… “You’re Only As Old As The Women I Feel”.
*****
There’s a new “Updated Comfort Food” recipe trending on Social Media… Mac and Cheese… with RAISINS.
- And for those who want “Comfort Food PLUS Gentle Overnight Relief”… there’s Mac and Cheese with Prunes.
*****
Dallas Cowboys defensive coordinator Mike Nolan had to pause a news conference on Monday because he had Tobassco sauce on his fingers and accidentally rubbed his eyes - causing them to burn and tear up.
- If only Jeffrey Toobin had hot sauce on HIS hands - things might have turned out differently.
*****
When it was her turn to vote on the Coney-Barrett Supreme Court nomination last night, Hawaii’s Democrat female Senator Mazie Hirono gave the “Two Thumbs Down” signal and said “Hell NO!!!!”
- She’s got quite a temperament. I’m surprised she wasn’t running the Japanese Armed Forces during World War II.
*****
Joe Biden confused Donald Trump with George W. Bush during an interview in which he said the country can’t take four more years of George.
- GEORGE?? Well that’s Curious.
*****
A wildlife expert posed as an elderly woman in order to trap an aggressive Turkey that’s been attacking people on the streets of Oakland.
- The “Elderly Woman” hit the turkey over the head with her purse and told him to “Stuff It”.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
According to NBC news, if Biden wins, Elizabeth Warren may become the Secretary of the Treasury.
- If you remember, Warren LOST the nomination to Biden… But I guess Liz feels, “If you can’t beat em, Wampum”.
*****
Matel is introducing a brand new Barbie “Inspired By and Dressed Like” Elton John. The Rocketman himself picked out Barbie’s clothes, shoes and sunglasses.
- And if you push a button on her back, she sings “JENNIE & the Jets”.
*****
A survey by “Best Life Magazine” found that New Jersey is the most hated state in the country.
- I have good memories of New Jersey… When I was in the Army I was stationed at Ft. Monmouth, NJ and lived one block from the Ocean in a town called Long Branch - which was just a short drive from Red Bank.. In fact I used to Bank at the Long Branch Branch of the Red Bank Bank. (Ba Da Boom!)
*****
A group of Australian Veterinary Students have posed Naked for a charity calendar that will benefit the country’s Farmers.
- It’s a nice change of pace from the “Sexy Sheep” calendar that came out last year.
*****
Kelly Ripa bragged about her husband’s MAN PARTS after an Instagram photo showed a large bulge in his pants.
- See guys… Some day when the need arises, apparently there ARE advantages to wearing Depends.
*****
A top plastic surgeon claims that more and more MEN are getting Botox for forehead wrinkles since they’re working from home and want to look good if and when they finally go back to the office.
- That according to Dr. Rip Van WRINKLES of Sleepy Hollow, NY.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
President Trump and Joe Biden will square off in the final debate tonight… with a “Mute” button to keep them from talking during each others allotted time.
- Plus they’ll have a guy come out every couple of minutes to measure the length of their noses.
*****
This morning, Hunter Biden’s business partner said that Joe DID KNOW of his son’s business dealings with Ukraine and China.
- No comment from Joe… Must be “Ancient Chinese Secret”.
*****
Former President Obama is campaigning for Joe Biden.
- He told the crowd, “If you aren’t Happy with your Current President… You Don’t Have to Keep Your Current President”.
*****
The 2016 deposition of Jeffery Epstein's former girlfriend and alleged accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell has now been unsealed and is said to contain 400 pages of detail on her sex life.
- Jeffrey Toobin says he can’t wait to get his hands on it.
- If CNN fires him, Toobin can always get a job on “60 Seconds”.
*****
Dr. Anthony Fauci responded to President Trump’s criticisms of him by quoting “The Godfather,” saying the attacks were, “Nothing personal, strictly business.”
- Maybe… but if I was Fauci, I’d be careful if Trump asks him to go on a ride in a rowboat.
*****
A study from Scientists at the University of Amsterdam discovered a “mystery set” of Salivary Glands inside the human head that have been completely undetected for centuries.
- Finally! An explanation for the puddle of drool that ends up on your pillow in the morning.
*****
Tokyo has opened a Pornography Theme Park where real life porn stars serve the Park Guests.
- You don’t wanna know what they measure to make sure you’re “tall enough” to ride the roller coaster.
*****
69 year old Phil Collins is trying to take back control of his $33 MILLION Miami mansion after his 46 year old ex- wife moved in with her new husband, hired bodyguards and changed all the locks.
- Somebody’s about to get Sued Sued Sued-io.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!
-Dick