It’s National No Bra Day!

Or as Dolly Parton and Selma Hyack call it when they get together… “Four on the Floor Day”.

*****

A Dutch Tradition called “Koe Nnuffelen” - or “Cow Hugging” - is gaining popularity around the world as a way for people to reduce stress and anxiety during the Pandemic.

- Although I doubt it’s doing much for the COW’S anxiety.

- In the US, it’s really caught on in Jersey. (Bada Bing!)

*****

While preparing for the new movie about her life, Madonna has announced that during her career, she never drank or did drugs.

- So she’s like this NORMALLY??

*****

The Supreme Court confirmation hearings for Amy Coney Barrett got underway in Washington yesterday and she is being criticized by some on the left for wearing a brightly colored dress that was “Inappropriate”.

- Let me get this straight… Some of the Senators questioning her would be FINE with it if one of the MALE justices wore a dress… but SHE can’t, because she’s a WOMAN??? Talk about a gender bender.

*****

The CDC is warning that COVID-19 can survive on your phone screen for twenty-eight days.

- It’s not bad enough my computer can get a virus… Now my phone can get one too??

*****

RIP… “Name That Tune” host Tom Kennedy has died at the age of 93.

And iconic James Bond actress Margaret Nolan who died at the age of 76. Nolan played the gold painted woman in the title sequence of the movie “Goldfinger.”

*****

Sorry for failing to mention Canadian Thanksgiving yesterday! To all of our Friends to the North (or if you live in Detroit - to the SOUTH!)…

Gobble, Gobble, eh?!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

President Trump announced this morning that he will NOT participate in any VIRTUAL debates - which is what the Debate Commission is calling for.

- Zoom Debates?? Who wants to see two 70-something guys argue with no pants on??

- Bill Clinton said, “Why didn’t they have Zoom when I was running?”

*****

The big news on Social Media this morning is the fly that landed on VP Pence’s head last night - and stayed for 2 min. and 9 sec.

- I don’t mean to make a Mountain out of a Mole Hill… but did you notice the fly WAS NOT wearing a MASK??

*****

During last night’s debate, VP Pence and Kamala Harris were seated 12 ft apart and were separated by plexiglass.

- It reminded me of watching the old “Dating Game” show, except the moderator didn’t ask if they’d “do it” on the first date.

*****

Roger Montoya, a Democratic Congressional Candidate in New Mexico, has admitted to starring in two pornographic films in the 80’s.

- Apparently it took this long for anybody to recognize his FACE.

*****

A T-Rex fossil sold for $31 million dollars at Christie’s Auction House in New York.

- That breaks the record for the most money spent on a fossil since Cher’s last sold out concert in Vegas.

*****

A quick, one question survey by OnePoll found that 68% of people have ended a relationship because their partner was bad in bed.

- Apparently the survey wasn’t the only thing that took less than a minute to complete.

*****

30% of Americans say they plan to take their relative’s temperatures before letting them inside their homes for Holiday Gatherings this year.

- So now this Thanksgiving they’ll be at least TWO turkeys stuck with a thermometer.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

President Trump was released from the Hospital and is back at the White House with his wife Melania who also has the virus. Meanwhile she was caught on tape calling Stormy Daniels a “Porn Hooker”.

- Well if the stiletto heels fit…

*****

NBC is being criticized for their “Town Hall with Joe Biden” event last night which many say was “An Infomercial” for Biden.

- They knew it was an “infomercial” when Biden said he would get the economy back on track if everyone would just get a “Reverse Mortgage” on their home.

*****

A body language expert says that during many of his video posts with Meghan Markle, Prince Harry looks like he’s “Being held Hostage”.

- Ya think??

*****

Meanwhile, Buckingham Palace insiders say Queen Elizabeth offered Meghan and Harry a secret plan that would let them LIVE IN AFRICA so they could have some PRIVACY.

- But they wanted even MORE privacy… so they moved to HOLLYWOOD.

*****

A seventeen-foot female Great White shark was caught off the coast of Nova Scotia estimated at 55 years old and weighing an astounding 3500 pounds

- Makes sense. I’ve heard Menopause can cause weight gain.

*****

The Full Moon coming up on Halloween will be the first one to occur across ALL TIME ZONES AROUND THE WORLD since 1944.

- THAT Full Moon occurred when the #2 Nazi - FAT Hermann Goering - dropped his pants and surrendered to the Allies.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

President Trump continues to recover from the Coronavirus at Walter Reed Hospital. But as is protocol, they prepped Mike Pence to take over temporally if needed.

- Luckily, when it comes to Tweeting the Vice President is all thumbs.

*****

President Trump reportedly "wants to “get back to work” and is “Bored” in the hospital.

- Plus, they ran out his favorite Orange Jell-O.

*****

15,000 items from NY’s Waldorf Astoria hotel are being auctioned off - including items from the John F. Kennedy and Winston Churchill Suites.

- In a related story, a Motel 6 in Little Rock, Arkansas is auctioning off a “Magic Fingers” bed once used by Bill Clinton.

*****

Some Democrats are being criticized for going on Twitter and wishing the President “ill” while he’s in the hospital.

- Apparently they don’t know the expression “Never Speak Ill of Someone You Want Dead”.

*****

Tom Cruise was spotted doing his own stunts on top of a speeding train while filming the new “Mission Impossible” movie.

- Kim Kardashian also has a big role in the movie. She plays the Caboose.

*****

To celebrate her 75th Birthday next year, Dolly Parton says she’s considering posing in Playboy.

- In the interest of “Full Coverage”… Dolly will be featured in the January, February & March issues.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A survey found that many Americans working remotely during COVID are considering moving to other parts of the country to experiment with a different lifestyle.

- For example… I’M considering moving to Portland, Oregon to experiment with the Violent-Arsonist lifestyle.

*****

It’s October 1st… Halloween Month! In an effort to keep the holiday alive during the Pandemic, an Austin, Texas man has built a cannon that will shoot candy to Trick or Treaters.

- We used to worry about razor blades in apples… Now we have to worry about kids getting taken out by a Milk Dud.

*****

Tesla and “Space X” founder Elon Musk is warning that humans must move to Mars because the sun is going to engulf the earth in the next six billion years.

- Oh sure. He waits ‘til the last minute to tell us.

*****

A YouGov survey found that a growing number of adults would consider having sex with a robot.

- Has anybody asked the Robots if they’re okay with that??

*****

A new report found that Prince Charles spent $7 million dollars last year to support Prince William and Prince Harry.

- You know how kids are… You buy one a Castle… you have to buy the other one a Castle too.

*****

Disney announced that it’s working on a sequel to “The Lion King”.

- The new version is described as "A complete fantasy” where a new coach leads the Lions to the Super Bowl.

*****

The Chinese Government has begun giving unproven Coronavirus vaccines to its residents.

- Boy, those commies just never stop giving!

*****

RIP… Mac Davis best known for his hit song “Baby Don’t Get Hooked On Me” has died at the age of 78 following heart surgery. He also wrote Elvis Presley’s hit “In The Ghetto” which was released in 1969. If you get a chance to listen to it today you’ll realize that sadly, not much has changed.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Well that was fun.

- Name calling… Insults… Everybody talking over each other… But enough about yesterday’s episode of “The View”.

- At least Trump didn’t walk over and “Stalk” Biden like he did during the Hillary debate… and Joe didn’t go over and take a sniff of Don’s hair… So it wasn’t a TOTAL disaster. But pretty darn close.

*****

Five Parrots at a Wildlife Park were put in a “time out” after they began shouting insults at park guests.

- Here’s an idea… Now that they’ve learned the term “Time Out”… why don’t we hire THE FIVE PARROTS to moderate the next debate???

*****

A new study found that narcissists are more likely to become politicians.

- If you watched last night’s debate you already knew that.

*****

Amazon has added a “mail box sensor” to its RING home monitoring system that will tell you if your mail is being tampered with.

- Isn’t that what dogs are for??

*****

The Mayor of London is banning household visits as a way of slowing the spread of coronavirus.

- Turns out the Queen asked him to do it to keep Harry and Meghan from coming home for Christmas.

*****

Sweden is seeing a rise in Coronavirus cases after weeks of stability.

- Turns out everybody bought their masks at IKEA and they haven’t figured out how to put ‘em together yet.

*****

RIP… Helen Reddy whose 1971 hit “I Am Woman” became an Anthem for the Feminist Movement has died at age 78.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

President Trump and Joe Biden will debate for the first time tonight in Cleveland… and it’s expected to be the most-watched television Presidential debate in History.

- If you don’t count the one between Mr. Belvedere and Ollie Fretter. It was the epic battle between “We Do Good Work” and “I’ll Give You Five Pounds of Coffee If I Can’t Beat Your Best Deal”.

*****

Ratings for the debate are expected to be Huge.

- Or as Trump would say… “Uge”.

*****

Delaware State University says Joe Biden DID NOT attend the historically Black college despite Joe’s claims that he went to school there.

- Joe’s stories remind me of my Dad. For years he told me he was the “Chin-Up Champ of Ohio”. I checked with the Ohio Office of Sports Records and they told me they’d never heard of him. (True!)

*****

A new study claims you have less than a 1% chance of catching COVID-19 while flying.

- But if you join the Mile High Club, you have an 80% chance of catching something else.

*****

Residents of Lake Jackson, Texas have been warned not to drink the tap water because it may contain a Brain Eating Amoeba.

- But being a Glass is Half-Full kind of guy… Movie Theaters and Bowling Alley’s open next week!

*****

Mike Tyson will be voting for the first time ever in this election thanks to a Nevada law that restores voting rights for felons.

- Mike says his Vote is “Earmarked for Biden!”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

A new study found that male baboons get major health benefits from having PLATONIC friendships with female baboons.

- Proving once again that Males CAN be friends with Females without there being any Monkey Business.

*****

Scientists are baffled by a large amount of squirrels that have been washing up on the shores of Lake Michigan.

- I’m no Nautical Scientist or Climatologist, but my theory is the squirrels were thrown overboard when their cruise ship the “Rodent of the Seas” hit an iceberg and sank.

*****

President Trump and Joe Biden are preparing for tomorrow night’s 1st Debate.

- Trump’s working on his spray tan and Joe’s taking a nap.

*****

They will NOT shake hands before the debate because of COVID-19.

- Well that… Plus the fact that they can’t stand each other.

*****

The NY Times claims that Prez. Trump deducted 70 Grand on his taxes for Hair Styling.

- Biden replied, “70 Grand is nothing to sniff at”.

*****

Supreme Court Nominee Amy Coney Barrett is the mother of 7 kids.

- No matter how you feel about her views, you gotta agree that anyone with 7 kids must be pretty good at settling arguments.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A new survey found that just 25% of employed Americans are working from home.

- The other 75% are TRYING to work… but their dog keeps chewing through the computer cord. (It happened to me this week!)

*****

Disneyland is petitioning California Governor Newsom to let them re-open.

- They even offered to have Sneezy Quarantine for two weeks and said Donald Duck will work on Zoom since he’s not wearing pants.

*****

According to a new book about the Royals, Prince Andrew is a “Sex addict” who is very adventurous in the bedroom and has a thing for Red Heads.

- No wonder Prince Harry left England.

*****

Prince Charles kicked off Climate Week in New York City by saying we are taking so much from the planet, we’ll need three or four planets similar to Earth to survive.

- Question: Where are we gonna put ‘em??

*****

A cult leader claiming to be Jesus was arrested in Russia.

- He’s requested that he be tried by Judge Pontius Putin.

*****

Experts say spending too much time on social media can be damaging to your mental health… especially when reading too much negative news. It’s called “Doomscrolling”.

- You may not realize it, but by reading this blog, your “Doomscrolling” right now . And you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon… and for the rest of your life.

*****

RIP… Tommy DeVito, founding member of the Four Seasons has died at age 92 & All-Time Great Legendary Chicago Bears Running Back Gale Sayers gone at 77 of Dementia.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

To make the game sound as realistic as possible, last Sunday the network carrying the game played fake booing sounds after the Eagles Quarterback made a bad throw.

- They were going to make this Sunday’s Lions game sound more realistic too… but changed their mind when they realized there’s no sound effect to duplicate Utter Disappointment.

*****

There is ONE SEAT LEFT on the SpaceX Dragon flight to the International Space Station in October 2021.

- Are you listening Joy Behar?

*****

Failed Dem. Presidential Candidate Michael Bloomberg sent $16 MILLION to Florida to pay the fines and court fees for 32,000 convicted Felons. Why? So they can vote in November.

- Makes sense to me that Convicted Criminals should have a say in which Criminals we elect to run the Country.

*****

More than two dozen colleges in the U.S. including the University of Michigan and Ohio State have cancelled the Spring Break recess for 2021.

- So this may be a good time to buy stock in the “Girls Gone Wild” Video Series.

*****

A study by Safety.com found that Americans are being caught on security cameras at least 238 times every week.

- Smile! You’re on 238 Candid Cameras!

****

The “Ellen” apology tour began on the air yesterday and beat the ratings predictions.

- Kind of like how she allegedly browbeat all of the staff on the show.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Agricultural experts are warning that the U.S. is facing a “Time-Bomb” explosion of millions of “SUPER PIGS” that can reproduce at just 3 months old, grow up to 400lbs and destroy thousands of square miles of farms and livestock.

- Yeah… but think about all the BACON!

- So I guess we’ll be seeing a new round of rioting and protests demanding that Cities “Defund the Super Pigs”.

*****

British PM Boris Johnson has tightened Covid restrictions amid fears of a 2nd wave of the virus - and Toilet Paper is once again hard to find.

- Oh Crap.

*****

President Trump told Bob Woodward that when it comes to “picking judges” he’s the best President since George Washington.

- There are other similarities too… they’re both known for their Hair… White for Washington and Orange for Trump.

*****

The NY Times claims that what appears to be low turnout of Biden supporters at campaign stops compared to Trump is REALLY due to people observing “Social Distancing”.

- Yeah, well maybe that… plus not as many people showing up??

*****

Due to the Pandemic, The CDC is “discouraging” costume masks, parties and Trick or Treating on Halloween.

- Great. What am I supposed to do with all the Chunky Soup I’ve already bought to hand out to the the little nippers??

*****

Retailers are worried about how Social Distancing will affect Black Friday shopping.

- You’ve gotta admit… It’s hard to punch someone and rip a Big Screen TV out of their hands while you’re standing 6 feet away.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Police were called on a homeowner in Mason, Michigan who put a toilet on his front lawn with a sign reading “Put Mail-In Ballots Here.” An election official had complained that people might be confused and think the toilet is a Polling Place.

- You mean that Port-a-Potty on the side of the road that I voted in last week WASN’T a polling place??

*****

The death of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has split the country again over when her vacancy should be filled.

- This country is getting split more often than Michael Moores pants.

*****

Joe Biden made yet another gaffe over the weekend… claiming that “200 MILLION people have died from Covid 19” in the U.S.

- He then when on to offer his condolences on the death of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Buzzi Ginsburg.

*****

The Secret Service intercepted a package at the White House that was addressed to the President and allegedly contained Ricin, a lethal poison.

- Trump tweeted: “See? I was RIGHT AGAIN about the Dangers of Voting by Mail. SAD!!!”

*****

Flight attendants will rally outside of Senator Debbie Stabenow's office today to demand action on COVID-19 relief.

- But due to Covid restrictions the flight attendants announced that there will be NO BEVERAGE SERVICE during the rally.

*****

Because they had a Space Probe land there some years ago, the head of Russia’s space agency has declared that Venus is a “Russian Planet”.

- Obviously this guy has his head up Uranus.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

While talking about COVID-19 Wed., Prez Trump used the phrase “Herd MENTALITY” instead of “Herd IMMUNITY”.

- At least that’s what I Herd.

*****

Meanwhile, during a Town Hall Joe Biden said, “Cause if you could take care, if you were a quartermaster, you can sure in hell take care runnin’ a, you know, a department store uh, thing, you know, where, in the second floor of the ladies department or whatever, you know what I mean?”

- Huh?

- Absolutely Joe. We know exactly what you mean.

*****

Celebs are sporting “Nude Bike Shorts” which are tight shorts made of flesh colored material - that “Draw the eye to the wearer’s Butt”.

- I don’t think Kim Kardashian needs “special material” for that.

*****

A growing number of schools in Denmark are holding classes entirely outdoors in the forest.

- Well that kind of takes the fun out of going out for Recess.

*****

Some hospitals are experimenting with playing violin music to see if it helps patients with their anxiety, pain and loneliness.

- For example… If you’re in the hospital for a heart attack caused by watching “The View”, they’ll play Beethoven’s “Ode to Joy”.

*****

According to research, people who sleep on the left side of the bed are likely to be more cheerful than their partners who sleep on the right side.

- And in related news… If your a Democrat who sleeps on the RIGHT side of the bed or a Republican who sleeps on the LEFT side of the bed, you’re so confused it’s NO WONDER you don’t get any sleep at night.

*****

A study by the Northwestern School of Medicine found that scientists have located the portion of the male brain that controls sexual desire.

- HINT: It’s in the lower part.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

In a late-in-the-game reversal… BIG TEN FOOTBALL IS BACK… with ALL TEAMS set to play an 8-Game schedule starting the weekend of October 23-24!!!

- Why’d the decision take so long?? The players have been wearing Helmets with FACE MASKS for years!

*****

During a live interview, CNBC host Jim Cramer called Nancy Pelosi "Crazy Nancy" right to her FACE saying it was an attempt at humor.

- It made Nancy’s hair stand on end. But luckily she knows of a great salon in San Francisco that could fit her right in.

*****

Madonna announced that she’ll co-write and direct a new movie about her life.

- Finally some good news about the movie theaters being closed.

*****

Speaking of Madonna… A new study found that chlamydia and gonorrhea are on the rise in young women.

- I’m no doctor, but doesn’t this mean it’s probably also on the rise in young men??

*****

Anthony Weiner has a new job! He’s now CEO of a company that makes countertops out of broken glass.

- This is a real change for Anthony… With all that broken glass he’s forced to wear pants.

*****

Former President Barack Obama’s next memoir is expected to come out two weeks after election day.

- So we’ll have something to read for a couple of months while we’re waiting for the votes to be counted.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

While speaking to a group of small business owners in Arizona VP Candidate Kamala Harris accidentally said they will have a friend in “The HARRIS Administration”.

- Sure… An “Accident”… Right…

- No wonder Joe’s staying in his basement. He’s afraid Kamala’s gonna take him out.

*****

Jeopardy! began it’s 37th Season last night with contestants remaining at “Socially Distanced” podiums and host Alex Trebek staying at his podium when he talks with contestants.

- Bottom line: I still got most of the questions wrong.

*****

We should know if their Coronavirus vaccine works by the end of October according to Pfizer, the maker of Viagra.

- October?? I thought they’re stuff usually worked in 30 minutes. At least that’s what Big Al told me…

*****

Kanye West called himself “The New Moses” and says he won’t release any new music for the foreseeable future.

- PROMISE??

*****

Taco Bell is selling its own custom $19-a-bottle wine called “Jalapeño Noir”.

- This is Nacho everyday Red Wine.

- Who among us hasn’t been looking for a red wine with hints of Hot Pepper and a Refried Bean finish?

*****

A man relieved himself in the driveway of Nancy Pelosi’s home in San Francisco.

- Remember the good old days when all you left in San Francisco was your Heart??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Yesterday the Lions blew a 17 point 4th Quarter lead and lost to the Bears 27 - 23.

- In a year where it seems like EVERYTHING has changed… The Lions proved there’s ONE THING we can ALWAYS count on.

*****

A Japanese Themepark has introduced a “Haunted Toilet” as part of it’s “Socially Distanced” Halloween attraction… Only one guest will be allowed in the “Scary Bathroom” at a time and it’ll be“cleaned and disinfected” after each person leaves.

- That sounds like a pretty darn good plan! Pandemic or not.

*****

Lululemon, which is worth $40 billion dollars and sells $128 Yoga Pants, is promoting an event urging people to “Resist Capitalism”.

- Just to clarify… Lululemon wants the millennials who WEAR the pants to “Resist Capitalism”… but they want the Parents who PAY for the pants to keep shelling out the big bucks.

*****

San Francisco is looking to lower the voting age to 16.

- Sounds great to me! And they can vote while wearing their $128 Lululemon Yoga Pants!

*****

A survey found that for the first time ever, more people left California last year than moved in.

- People say they want to live somewhere “safer”… you know… like Portland… Or Chicago.

*****

The Chinese Military issued a report calling the United States the biggest threat to world peace.

- That according to MSG… Um, excuse me… I mean MSNBC.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Citing his work helping to broker peace between Israel and the United Arab Emirates President Trump has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.

- The Prez will accept his award wearing a Red “Make Nobel Peace Prizes Great Again” baseball cap.

*****

Snow Days may be a thing of the past… Officials say with On-Line learning, there will be no need to cancel school due to inclement weather.

- Hey… Growing up in Buffalo - EVERY day was a Snow Day! …Even in July!

*****

Portland has banned the use of Facial Recognition Technology in public places saying it “Violates personal privacy”.

- So if the Police in Portland want to identify someone, they’re going to have to do it the old-fashioned way: Get their fingerprints off a Fire Bomb.

*****

According to a recent report, more than 700 airline passengers have been banned from flying on U.S. airlines for refusing to wear masks.

- Remember the old days when all you had to do to make the “No Fly List” was be a Terrorist?

*****

A University of South Australia study finds that grilling and roasting red meat raises the risk of heart disease.

- Now they tell us… Like they couldn’t have announced this BEFORE the Labor Day BBQ’s??

*****

A Sicilian mafia boss serving a life sentence for murder was so mad about an inspection of his cell that he bit off and swallowed a guard’s pinky finger.

- In his defense… they don’t stock finger sandwiches at the Prison Commissary.

*****

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has announced a set of requirements for films to be “Awards-Eligible” in an effort to increase representation and inclusion in Hollywood.

- Here’s an idea… When theaters finally reopen, how about making some movies that people over age 14 might actually wanna go see?

*****

When a New Hampshire woman was told the Political t-shirt she wore to the polls was “illegal” she whipped it off and voted topless.

- I’m betting they gave her TWO “I Voted!” stickers.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Former President Bill Clinton will launch a podcast with iHeart Media in early 2021… that will highlight his “Gift for STORYTELLING”!!!

- The first episode will be titled: “I Did Not Have Sex With That Woman… Miss Lewinsky”.

*****

Grab the Kleenex… “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” is coming to an END!!! Kim said “It is with heavy hearts that we’ve made the difficult decision as a family to say goodbye”.

- Kim wants to focus on her acting career. First up? She’ll star in a remake of Hitchcock’s “Rear Window”.

*****

The Los Angeles County Department of Public Health announced a ban on door-to-door trick-or-treating this Halloween.

- Cause you know Trick or Treaters NEVER wear masks.

*****

Britain’s government is banning gatherings of more than six people after a sharp spike in COVID cases across the U.K.

- No one is more upset about this than Prince Andrew who has already rented a Tux for his girlfriend’s Middle School Homecoming Dance.

*****

Research by sex toy company WeVibe revealed that 14 per cent of men admit to being “Excited” by their smart-speaker Alexa.

- Guys say the speakers are a lot easier to date than women… All you have to do to “Turn Her On” is say her name.

*****

Yesterday it was 32 degrees in Denver - just a day after they hit a near record high of 93 degrees.

- There’s a technical name for this kind erratic weather… it’s called “Pure Michigan”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Many thanks to my old radio partner and friend Tom Ryan who sent me this video over the weekend. It’s the best 54 seconds you’ll spend all day!

*****

Ozzy Ozbourne admitted that trying to kill his wife Sharon Osbourne when they were newly married 30 years ago wasn’t one of his “greatest achievements”.

- Ya think??

*****

Fire officials have announced that a Smoke-Generating Pyrotechnic Device used at a Gender Reveal Party ignited one of the 23 major Fires burning in California.

- Remember when a “Gender Reveal Party” was when the Doctor came into the waiting room and said, “Congratulations… It’s a Boy!” or “Congratulations… It’s a Girl!”. Or in my case… “Congratulations… It’s a Girl”… SIX TIMES.

*****

Actor Bradley Cooper recently took a shot at The Oscars, saying that the awards season is “meaningless” and “devoid of artistic creation.”

- Which is actor-speak for “I’m not nominated this year”.

*****

According to a new study, COVID-19 may persist in the gut even after the virus has been cleared from the airways — suggesting that fecal matter could be a better way to detect the virus than traditional nose swabs.

- On a bright note… you can keep your mask on during the test!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

A new study in the Journal of American Medicine found that the Coronavirus has caused some men to experience swollen testicles.

- And you thought wearing a mask on your FACE was uncomfortable.

*****

Nancy Pelosi says she was “Set Up” by the Salon owner whose security cameras showed a wet-haired Nancy walking through the salon without a mask on.

- There’s even a new hashtag for it… #BRECK-xit.

- A Salon Set Up?? Nancy’s got more cajones than most men. Maybe SHE should wear two masks.

*****

A Democratic Super Pac is warning that Donald Trump is going to hold a huge lead on election night, only to see a massive swing towards Joe Biden when the mail-in ballots come in a few days later.

- Which begs the question: Why is it so Darn hard to get Dead People to vote on time??

*****

BLM protestors caused $150,000 in damage to Graceland by spray-painting graffiti on Elvis’s former home in Memphis.

- What are they prostesting?? Peanut Butter and Nana Sandwiches???

- Elvis didn’t actually see the damage because he wasn’t home at the time… But he sent a tweet to the vandals reading“Don’t Be Cruel”.

*****

A new study found that the “New Guinea Singing Dog” (?) is not extinct as scientists once believed.

- Seems to me they should breed the Singing Dog with a Poodle to create the Dooby Dooby DOODLE. (Which reminds me… I once read that Sinatra said that “Strangers in the Night” was his LEAST favorite song because of the “Dooby Dooby Do” he improvised at the end).

*****

A video of two women getting into a wild fistfight on a Jetway at New York’s La Guardia Airport has gone viral.

- The way things are going… this counts as the “Feel Good” story of the day.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick