Queen Elizabeth took to Instagram this week to wish her grand-daughter-in-law Meghan Markle a Happy 39th Birthday. 

- The Queen urged Prince Harry to get his wife “something expensive that she wasn’t expecting”… like a Divorce. 

*****

Three female Macomb County Morgue workers have been fired for bringing a cake decorated with a man’s private parts to an office party.   

- It’s gotten so you can’t even bring an 8” cake to work anymore without getting fired. 

*****

There’s a new dating trend called “Wokefishing” where people try to get dates by presenting themselves as protest-attending, anti-racist, anti-police Vegans who are “sex positive” (whatever that is). 

- Remember the good old days when you asked someone out because you thought they were good looking??  

*****

Joe Biden is now expected to name his Vice Presidential pick NEXT week after initially saying it would happen this week. 

- Joe says he’s “knee deep” in background checks. And ankle-deep in water because his basement flooded over the weekend. 

*****

A growing number of women are getting vibrator facials after celebs started posting videos of themselves getting one on Instagram.

- At least that’s the Buzz. 

*****

A survey found that a growing number of restaurants in Los Angeles are transforming parking lots into outdoor dining areas. 

- But if you want a good table, you have to have a Handicap sticker. 

*****

A Massachusetts man was busted for walking his dog in the nude. 

- Sounds like somebody was showing too much of his Doodle. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

In honor of National Underwear Day… a Poem.

I see London… I see France.

Today we honor Underpants!

Put on your Jockeys and sing a song!

For Boxers, Briefs… and even Thongs!

*****

President Trump says full-on Mail-In voting could delay election results by TWO MONTHS.

- Here’s an idea… Why don’t we all vote through Amazon?? That way we could get ourselves a Prime President in TWO DAYS… guaranteed!

*****

A survey by the Rand Corporation found that one in three Americans rely on news sources that they admit are untrustworthy.

- If you don’t believe it… Remember, you ARE reading this blog.

*****

A new survey found that a lot of people are turning to Ice Cream to make them feel better during the Pandemic.

- ABBA’s even recorded a song about it… “Dairy Queen”.

*****

“Phantom of the Opera” composer Andrew Lloyd Webber slammed the movie version of “Cats” saying “the whole thing was ridiculous.”

- You may disagree with him… but you gotta admit he was’s YEARS ahead of everybody else when it comes to that whole wearing-a-mask thing.

*****

Three men have been rescued from a tiny Pacific island after writing a giant SOS sign in the sand that was spotted by a helicopter pilot.

- Well that’s great for Gilligan, the Skipper and the Professor… but what about Mary Ann, Ginger and the Howells??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

The NASA Rover “Perseverance” successfully blasted off this morning - beginning a 7 month flight to Mars.

- It would only take 5 months… but they couldn’t get a direct flight so they have a 2 month Layover on Venus.

*****

The name “Perseverance” was submitted by a 5-year-old boy who responded to a naming contest using his mother’s iPhone.

- And to think we were THIS CLOSE to having a spaceship called “Dora the Explorer”.

*****

A new study claims people can eat 12 slices of pizza IN ONE SITTING without doing any short term damage to their health.

- But eat anymore than that and you’ll be “Hot & DEADY”.

*****

Scientists in Hungary accidentally created a new type of fish after a Sturgeon and a Paddlefish managed to breed in captivity.

- This is what happens when you get your test subjects from the Dating site PlentyOFish.com.

*****

A Georgia Mom was busted for bringing two loaded pistols and a bag of marijuana into Epcot Center.

- Cops nabbed her when got off “Spaced Out Mountain”.

- They became suspicious when she told Snow White she was the eighth dwarf, “Munchie”.

*****

“The Real Housewives of New York” are filming an in person reunion next week.

- For those of you who don’t watch… it’s like “The View” but with bigger fake boobs.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Slipping into my Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka-Dot Maskini… and taking a few days off to soak up some Summer…

Back soon!

-Dick

Three members of the Minneapolis City Council have charged the city $152,000 for a personal SECURITY DETAIL after they received threats when they called to “Defund the Police”.

- Yup.

*****

The internet is burning up with pics of what Oceanographers say is a “Triggerfish” - a fish that lives near Malaysia and has Human teeth.

- Since the fish has no hands to brush or floss, does it end up with Fin-givitis??

- I thought for a moment it was Joy Behar.

*****

First they thought it was bats… then dogs… but a new COVID-19 Researcher claims pets AREN’T responsible for spreading the Virus.

- This is the first time in history a man DIDN’T “Blame the Dog”.

*****

A group of grocery shoppers are boycotting Whole Foods because of its refusal to let employees wear “Black Lives Matter” masks.

- The group spokesmen said they’d rather take their $20 and buy a head of lettuce somewhere else.

*****

Los Angeles announced that ALL SCHOOLS will be closed to in-person learning this fall.

- Poor Lori Laughlin! Now she has to shell out another half-mil to make sure her daughter gets into a good Home School.

*****

For $250 you get now get a futuristic-looking “Hazmet Suit for Air Travel” which looks like the top half of an astronaut’s uniform, has anti-fogging “windows” and a built-in hospital-grade air-purifying device.

- But you still CAN’T bring more than 3.4 ounces of shampoo in your carry on.

*****

The Icelandic Board of Tourism is offering to let people frustrated by Lockdowns record themselves screaming - and then playing the screams on giant loud speakers in remote parts of the country.

- Thus the expression, “I Scream… You Scream… We All Scream… For Ice……………… Land”.

*****

Speaking of Screaming… Alec Baldwin is selling his West Village Penthouse in New York City for $11 million dollars.

- It has Five Bedrooms and Six Bathrooms… but you have to get into a fist fight with Alex on the sidewalk if you want a parking spot.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

With hair salons closed in much of the country, Prez Trump showed off a new grey doo in a Rose Garden Press Conference.

- He was immediately knocked by CNN and MSNBC for wearing hair that was the same color as Confederate Soldiers Uniforms in the Civil War.

*****

After polling at just 2%, Kanye West has dropped out of the 2020 Presidential Race.

- I guess the public just wasn’t ready for his slogan, “Make Big Butts Great Again”.

*****

Ghislaine Maxwell will be held in jail until her trial - a year from this month -because the Judge says she is “an extreme flight risk”.

- Why? Does she know somebody with cash and a private plane who might help her flee to some secret island??

*****

A new trend has teenagers posting videos of themselves dressing up like Senior Citizens in order to buy alcohol.

- So Ladies… if you see a guy in black socks and bermuda shorts picking up some booze, don’t assume it’s your husband.

*****

Dearborn’s own Squad Member Rashida Tlaib has attacked DTE claiming that power outages are caused by “systemic racism”. DTE denied the claim saying the power goes out because of why?? “Bad weather and Trees”.

- Ya know I’m starting to think Tlaib isn’t the brightest bulb in the Intelligence lamp.

*****

The NFL has partnered with Oakley Sunglasses on a new face shield that will protect players from the Coronavirus when and if the season resumes.

- But they still can’t come up with anything to protect Lion fans from years of disappointment.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Hillary Clinton was back on TV saying that President Trump “May not go quietly” if he loses the election in November.

- Well she outta know.

- Hello Pot… I’d like you to meet Kettle.

*****

Tom Bergeron and Erin Andrews will NOT be returning when DWTS returns for it’s 29th Season as ABC says it’s “going in a different creative direction”.

- To make the show more current, it’s going to be called “Looting With the Stars”.

- I saw a preview of the new show. It’s a riot!

*****

Disney has re-opened the Magic Kingdom at 25% capacity to defend against the Coronavirus.

- But they still have great rides like “6 ft. Spaced Mountain” and “Mr. Toad’s Wild Hand Washing”.

*****

In a speech about empowering women, Joe Biden used what he thought was a proverb, but was actually a quote by the infamous Chinese Communist Dictator Mao Tse Tung.

- Joe’s age must be getting to him. He’s not Sum Yung Guy anymore.

*****

A CDC study found that a Chinese Woman infected seventy-one people with Coronavirus during a sixty second elevator ride at a Hospital.

- Which begs the question: How did they get 72 people on one elevator?

- The number of people she exposed keeps changing. First it went Up. Then it went Down…

*****

Sex workers in Hamburg, Germany are trying to get back in business after the the city’s red light district was shut down due to the Coronavirus.

- They’re even offering the first 100 customers 10% off on their “Bunker Buster Special”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

President Trump wore a mask in public for the FIRST TIME Saturday while visiting wounded soldiers at Walter Reed Medical Center.

- Or as the mainstream media reported… “Trump Covers Mouth So Americans Can’t See His Lips Moving While He Lies”.

*****

A study shows that crocodiles walked on two legs 120 million years ago.

- That’s quite a feet.

- They even wore shoes… Loafers. (You thought I was gonna say Crocs didn’t you??)

*****

The Washington Redskins announced this morning that, after 87 years, they’re changing their name to something “Less Offensive”.

- Wait… Which part are they changing?? “Washington” or “Redskins”???

- With their 3 - 13 record last year, they were definitely the Washington “Less-Offensives”.

*****

A replacement for the Concord called the XB-1 will be unveiled in October that can travel at speeds of up to 1700 mph.

- So now we can fly around the world four times faster! Nobody will let us land because of the Virus… but we’ll get there in RECORD TIME!

*****

Ford is expecting a huge audience tonight when they unveil the new Bronco during a primetime event on ABC.

- If I recall correctly, this isn’t the first time a Bronco on TV has attracted a lot of viewers.

*****

A gorilla at the Miami Zoo was tested for Covid-19 after he was bitten by his brother.

- Apparently his brother accused him of having a chimp on his shoulder.

- Zoo handlers had to step in to get the monkey off his back.

(Pardon us for those last two lines… It’s been a slow day!)

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

This morning, The Supreme Court ruled that President Trump must turn over his Tax Records to Stormy Daniels attorneys who are looking for proof he paid her hush money.

- Stormy couldn’t re reached for comment as she was in the Middle of a Topless Car Wash to raise funds for Charity. Note: Charity is one of Stormy’s stripper friends.

*****

A Dairy Queen customer on Long Island was flipped off by the manager after the customer asked him why employees weren't wearing masks.

- In his defense, the manager was busy at the time working on one of DQ’s “Pandemic-Buster Parfaits”.

*****

Retail experts say that COVID-19 may mean the cancellation of “Black Friday” this year… and possibly forever.

- So if you want to get trampled trying to get your hands on a Big Screen TV… go out on the streets and do some Looting.

*****

“The Views” Joy Behar says that she and her husband go for drives “Looking for people who aren’t wearing masks”.

- For the record, her husband ALWAYS wears one… because he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s the guy who married Joy.

*****

Visitors to “Disneyland” in Japan have been banned from “Screaming” on roller coasters because it could spread COVID-19.

- Hey… As long as I can still scream on the Old-Fashioned Cars at Cedar Point, I’m good.

*****

Police in Italy issued tickets to hundreds of Naked people at a Nudist Beach who weren’t wearing masks.

- I saw the pics from the beach and I’m gonna be honest. They should have been fined for not wearing CLOTHES.

*****

During the lockdown, Gwyneth Paltrow says she bought her 14 year old son a $40-dollar puzzle titled “Boobs,” which features drawings of breasts of various shapes, sizes, and colors to help him pass the time.

- And to think my Mother grounded me for setting up my sister’s Barbie on dates with Howdy Doody and Mr. Bluster.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

For the 2nd straight month, Joe Biden has topped Donald Trump in fundraising.

- Joe plans to use the money for campaign commercials, “Biden 2020” Pins, and to finish his basement.

*****

According the explosive tell-all book written by President Trump's Niece, Mary Trump, her “Uncle Donald” paid someone to take his SAT’s for him.

- Rumor has it there’s yet another Anti-Trump book coming out… this one by Donald’s Stingy, Rich, Penny-Pinching Uncle “Scrooge McTrump”.

*****

Kanye West announced he’ll run for President under “The Birthday Party”… because when he wins… it’ll be “Like everybody’s Birthday!”

- And if they play “Pin the Tail on Kim’s Butt” EVERYBODY wins!! How could they miss??

*****

The World Health Organization is monitoring a case of Bubonic Plague in China, but said it’s not “high risk” for now.

- It IS high risk… they’re just not gonna tell us that yet.

- What is it with Deadly illnesses and China? Seems like every time they come up with one, they find another one an hour later.

*****

On this day in 1913, Alfred Carlton Gilbert got a patent for one of the most popular children’s toys of all time: The Erector Set.

- It’s still sold today… under the name “Viagra”.

*****

Heinz has released kits that turn Mayo, BBQ Sauce, and Ketchup into Heinz-flavored Ice Cream.

- I can think of 57 reasons why this is a bad idea.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

61 year old Madonna, who’s recovering from a knee injury, posted a topless picture of herself leaning on a crutch on Instagram yesterday.

- Remember her famous coffee table book?? Hey Madonna show us something we haven’t seen before.

*****

A German man’s bachelor party in the Austrian Alps ended with the man being rushed to the hospital with a snake bite on his tongue.

- NOTE TO GUYS: Never hire a stripper wearing a Feather Boa Constrictor.

*****

Word is, Jeffrey Epstein’s best friend and Madam Ghislaine Maxwell will use her secret stockpile of the late pedophile’s sex tapes as an insurance policy to save herself from Prison.

- Formal charges will be filed Friday, sooner than expected. Apparently they don’t want to keep her hanging.

*****

According to a new study, 75% of Americans say the Pandemic Lockdowns has caused them to feel like they’re living the same day over and over.

- Wait… Didn’t I just cover this story yesterday??

*****

The Playhouse strip club in Romulus has been linked to 13 cases of COVID-19.

- It’s ironic that Gov. Whitmer is considering implementing Stage 5 of her plan to reopen Michigan… Stage 5 is where the Virus was spread at the Strip Club.

*****

If you’ve been outside today… you know the heatwave continues. How hot is it?

It’s so hot Historical Statues are throwing THEMSELVES in the river just so they can cool off.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Kanye West celebrated the 4th of July by announcing that HE’S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!!!!!

- Finally! Some GOOD news!!

- If he wins, Kim Kardashian will be the 1st First Lady in US History to make a Sex Tape in the Lincoln Bedroom… as far as we know.

*****

Prince Andrew has canceled his annual golfing trip to Spain because he’s “nervous” about leaving the UK after Ghislaine Maxwell’s arrest.

- He’s gonna stick close to the Castle and take his 14 year girlfriend Putt-Putting instead.

*****

Officials in Los Angeles and Miami are now admitting that Protests may have led to an uptick in COVID cases but NYC Mayor DeBlasio denies the mass events have increased the spread.

- Apparently in New York you can “Start Spreading the News” without “Spreading the Virus”.

*****

Scientists say they’ve debunked the theory that one year in a dogs life is equal to 7 human years, saying that a four-year-old dog is acutally equivalent a 52-year-old human.

- So if your 4 year old Schnoodle-Doodle wants a snout-lift and buys a convertible… he’s just going through his mid life crisis.

*****

According to a new survey, most Americans are still willing to help out strangers and perform acts of kindness towards others.

- Unless those “others” happen to disagree with them on Facebook.

*****

Competitive Eater Joey Chestnut wolfed down a world record 75 hot dogs and buns at the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest in NYC on Saturday.

- They’re haven’t been that many hot dogs and buns on public display since Anthony Weiner got out of the slammer.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Happy 244th Birthday to America!!

Speaking of our Great Country…

A petition circulating on Left-leaning Change.org is calling for a statue of Christopher Columbus in Cleveland to be replaced with a native of the city … Chef Boyardee.

- What a great idea! They could have the Chef holding a can of Spaghetti in his right hand and his Meatballs in his left.

- Even the Chef would be Ravioli-ing in his grave if he heard about this.

*****

Queen Elizabeth called President Trump on Tuesday to wish him a Happy 4th of July.

- Nice to see she’s gotten past that whole Revolutionary War Thing.

*****

The Washington Redskins have been told they can’t move from Maryland to RFK Stadium in D.C. unless they agree to change the teams “offensive” name.

- If they want something “Offensive” they should watch the Lions blow their lead in the 4th quarter.

*****

Dr. Anthony Fauci says people should cease going to Bars in order to stop the spread of COVID-19.

- Well I’ll drink to that.

*****

A survey by AAA is predicting that Fewer Americans will take road trips over the 4th of July Weekend.

- After 4 months of being stuck in the house with their family, NOBODY wants to spend three days trapped in a car with ‘em.

*****

The NYC Council passed a budget that will cut Police funding by $1 BILLION… but Squad Member & Democratic Socialist AOC says “It’s not enough”.

- If we want this Country to survive as we know it, we better start practicing some “Social-IST Distancing”.

*****

Two new studies suggest that using public transit increases your chances of dying from Coronavirus.

- Sing with me! “The Germs on the Bus Go Round and Round… Round and Round…”

*****

A study by Lafayette University found that people who constantly nitpick their partners can send them to an early grave.

- If that’s true, Joy Behar’s husband must be on life support.

*****

Have a great day and a Safe & Happy 4th of July Weekend!

- Dick

Protestors are trying to bring down ANOTHER statue of Abraham Lincoln.

- HONEST??? ABE??? As I recall… he signed the EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION!!

- I’m thinking if Abe was alive today he’d gladly go back to the Theater for some entertainment and see that Play again.

*****

The White House confirmed plans to keep troops at the Mexican Border until 2021.

- Remember the good old days (like six months ago) when the big thing people were arguing about was our Immigration Policy??

*****

Thirteen years ago this week, The iPhone went on sale for the first time.

- And one of these days I’m going to learn how to do more than Answer it.

*****

Two commercial Airline pilots in Ireland are in hot water after video surfaced of them using a rubber chicken to operate the controls in the cockpit.

- Hey… at least unlike the Pilots, the CHICKEN wasn’t drinking.

*****

The Brooklyn Home where Al Capone was born is on the market for $2.9 million dollars.

- The property taxes are high - but if you want to be like Al, just don’t pay ‘em.

*****

A British survey found that 1 in 3 dog owners would choose their pet over their partner.

- The other 2 in 3 say they’d like a Spouse/Pet mix like the “Dave-A-Doodle” and the “Golden Re-Steve-er”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

- Dick

Hey… Jackie here! Thanks so much to all of you for your kind Birthday wishes! Dad took me out for a wonderful dinner at Chuck E. Cheese!! I’m a lucky girl…

Protestors set up a GUILLOTINE outside Jeff Bezos house in Washington DC house saying “Support our Poor Communities not Wealthy Men”.

- How much you want to bet they ordered the Guillotine from Amazon??

*****

Vladimir Putin says he’ll CONSIDER running for President through 2036 - but ONLY if the Russian Parliament votes to amend the Constitution allowing him to do that.

- And, honestly, what are the chances of them doing that??

- I mean what’s he gonna do?? Put a gun to their heads??

*****

A woman in Uganda - dubbed the World's Most Fertile Woman - has become a single mother after her husband walked out after the birth of their FORTY-FORTH CHILD.

- It reminds me of what George Kell used to say when Sparky Anderson walked out to the mound to change pitchers… “He has seen enough”.

*****

Mississippi Lawmakers have voted to remove the Confederate symbol from their State Flag.

- Those OPPOSED to the move said, “M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-WHY??”

*****

For their flight to the moon in 2024, NASA is offering a $20,000 reward to the person who designs the best space toilet.

- They want it to be sound proof “Because in Space… No One Should Hear You………… !!!”

*****

Kim Kardashian says her cosmetics brand is now worth $1 BILLION after signing a new deal with COTY Cosmetics.

- That’s a hefty bottom line.

*****

RIP… Carl Reiner. 98.

*****

Congratulations to Sherry Margolis who retires today after 35 years at Fox 2 in Detroit!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Joe Biden is vowing to release his campaign diversity data after facing criticism that his staff is overwhelmingly White.

- How long do you figure it’s gonna be before someone starts complaining about the name of the White House??

*****

Congrats to “Jeopardy” and Host Alex Trebek who took home Statues for Best Game Show and Best Game Show Host at the 47th Annual Daytime Emmy Awards.

- But the way things are going… their “Statues” will be torn down by the end of the week.

*****

Meanwhile, “The Young and the Restless” won Eight awards.

- Y&R went on the air almost 50 years ago which mens the Original Cast is now “The Old and The Incontinent”.

*****

CHOP protestors in Seattle’s “Police Free Zone” have moved into the abandoned Police Precinct.

- Cuz, you know, when you’re trying to lead a revolution, you need air conditioning and all the donut shops on Speed Dial.

*****

According to new “Wedding Rules” in Britain, the Brides and Grooms have to wash their hands immediately before and after exchanging rings.

- In the old days, Brides were supposed to be “Pure”… Now they have to be “Purell”.

*****

A Florida woman was arrested for assaulting her boyfriend with a pizza.

- The argument started because he was feeling “Hot” but she wasn’t “Ready”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Joe Biden will accept the Democrat Nomination in a “Virtual” Convention without any delegates. In other breaking news… 12 time Hot Dog Eating Champ Joey Chestnut has announced he will attempt to break his record of 74 Hot Dogs - with 5 challengers in an air conditioned venue.

- So Joey Chestnut will defend his HOT DOG EATING CHAMPIONSHIP alongside 5 challengers in an air conditioned auditorium… but Joe Biden’s gonna accept the Democratic nomination for PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES with no challengers in his air-conditioned BASEMENT???

*****

President Trump’s plan to visit Mt. Rushmore on the 4th of July has drawn anger from Native Americans.

- Elizabeth Warren is really on the warpath.

*****

New York’s Governor Cuomo announced that Cops will stop cars with license plates from Coronavirus Hot Spot states and issue $1000 fines to people for not quarantining.

- Oh sure… NOW they WANT the Cops.

*****

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un is threatening to create a “sensational event” that will lead to the destruction of America.

- His plan is to Defund the Police and tear down our statues!!

*****

The McDonald’s in NYC’s Times Square is closing its doors after seventeen years.

- If a burger joint was going to close because of the riots you’d think it would be White Castle.

*****

A 62 year old Indiana woman is facing charges of animal cruelty after she tried to neuter her dog using a rubber band.

- The dog ran away… not to mention her Husband!!

*****

A Chinese man’s bladder exploded after he held his pee for 18 hours during a beer drinking binge.

- How did he hold it for the first 17 hours you ask? Ancient Chinese Secret!!

- NOTE TO BEER DRINKERS: If you hold it too long… Urine for big trouble.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

President Trump says he wants to offer Americans a very generous second “Stimulus Package.”

- That sounds familiar… Back in the 90’s, didn’t Bill Clinton offer a “Stimulus Package” to someone when he was in that little room off the Oval Office?

*****

Scientists say the number of space settlers needed to successfully start a colony on Mars is 110.

- If we start with the co-hosts of “The View”… we’ve only got 105 more to go!

*****

A 52 year old Pennsylvania mom has been arrested for driving her 28 year old son to and from a store which he robbed of $4000 dollars.

- Give her a break. These days it’s not easy to organize a Home-School Field Trip

*****

Porn Star Ron Jeremy has vehemently denied charges that he sexually assualted three women.

- The alleged victims say they can describe his man-parts… but then again I’d imagine anyone who’s ever seen one of his movies can to it too.

*****

On Thursday, Delta will become the first airline to resume flights between the U.S. and China… with some restrictions.

- You can only bring two bags when you leave NYC and one Virus on the flight back from Beijing.

*****

A dog from Tennessee named “Augie,” turned 20 in April making her the oldest living Golden Retriever in history.

- To celebrate, the owners threw her a party… but she kept bringin’ it back.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

As historical statues continue to be torn down there are rising fears that Mount Rushmore could come under attack.

- Where would they even begin?? If I was one of those moronic rioters, I’d pick George Washington’s nose.

*****

The family of a Texas woman who played Aunt Jemima is upset that Quaker has decided to scrap her legacy by doing away with the brand.

- Speaking of which, I remember the time daughter #2, Jackie, asked me why Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben slept in separate cupboards. (True!)

*****

Apple is closing eleven stores around the country after a surge in Coronavirus cases.

- So apparently an Apple a day WON’T keep the Virus away.

*****

A new study found that exercising too much may shorten your life span.

- If the reverse it true, Micheal Moore will be around for another hundred years!

*****

A British man was busted at the Brussels Airport for carrying a fake penis that was filled with cocaine.

- To add to his humiliation, the Flight Attendant said the penis was “Small enough to fit in the pocket of the seatback in front of him”.

*****

The AMC Theater Chain has reversed its position and will now require all moviegoers to wear a mask when theaters open in July.

- So let me get this straight… we buy the popcorn, put in in the mask, put the mask on and graze during the movie??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

A survey by Omaha Steaks found that 68% of men admit to feeling more like their father with each passing year.

- Another survey found that Bruce Jenner feels more like his mother every year.

*****

“Tiz The Law” won the 152nd running of the Belmont Stakes in New York Saturday.

- Since his name includes “Law”… I guess now we can expect a “Defund the Horse” movement.

*****

Teenage Tik Tok Users are claiming responsibility for the low turnout at Prez Trump’s rally by purposely reserving tickets and then not showing up.

- I always thought “Tik Tok’s” were those the little mints in plastic containers some women carry at the bottom of their purse.

*****

Trump is under fire for referring to the Coronavirus as the “Kung Flu,” which some say is racist.

- Everybody is “Kung Flu Fighting” about it.

*****

Over the weekend, protesters tore down statues of Union Leader Ulysses S. Grant and “Star Spangled Banner” writer Francis Scott Key.

- How long until somebody claims that Lady Liberty is racist because she’s white and “put herself up on a pedestal”??

*****

A wildlife photographer caught a rare picture of a Humpback Whale’s massive ten foot penis off the coast of Australia.

- Reminds me of a book by Herman Melville I had to read in high school… I just can’t remember the name!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Monday!

-Dick