Caldwell Wins After Losing Season?

The Detroit News and Freep are reporting that Lion's coach Jim Caldwell will survive for another year because the team ended with a 7-9 record after starting the season at 1-7. 

- The decision will ultimately be made by the team's new 90 year old owner, Martha Firestone Ford, but not until she finishes her Bingo Tournament later this week. 

*****

Bernie Sanders says that he doesn't think Bill Clinton's sex life should be brought up during the Presidential campaign. 

- While most Americans are just hoping Bernie Sanders sex life won't be brought up during the Presidential campaign. 

*****

Sources say that Don Lemon was drunk during CNN's New Year's Eve Broadcast. 

- Anderson Cooper should have been the one tanked so he could make it through his stint with the always obnoxious Kathy Griffin. 

*****

According to a new survey, the most common New Year's Resolution posted on Facebook was to lose weight. 

- Personally, I'd rather have people keep eating and resolve to stop posting cute cat videos. 

*****

Republican Presidential hopeful Chris Christie called President Obama "a petulant child". 

- A White House spokesperson responded, "Is not!" to which Christie replied, "Is too!"

*****

Bill Cosby is out on $1 million dollars bail after being officially charged in his sex scandal. 

- Luckily, with his $400 million fortune, the bail hasn't cut into his wine and pill budget. 

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Happy Last Day of 2015!

I hope that this past year was a good one for you and yours... and wish you all Health, Happiness, and Peace in 2016. 

No matter how you're celebrating (I'll be watching the Spartans take on Alabama in the Cotton Bowl - Hopefully the only Ball that will drop will be the one in Time's Square!) be Safe and I'll see you next year! 

-Dick 

Christmas Day 2015

From the entire Purtan Family (all 21 of us!) to You and Yours... Merry Christmas! 

-Dick 

Hold Your Horses!

Donald Trump got an important endorsement today: Vladimir Putin called him a "very talented and outstanding man". 

- We can only hope this doesn't give The Donald any ideas about going horseback riding without a shirt. 

*****

A Federal investigation determined that some of Hillary Clinton's emails were "Top Secret" and could have fallen into the wrong hands. 

- They also determined that ALL of Bill's emails were "Top Secret" and could have fallen into the wrong hands... Hillary's. 

*****

Starbucks is no longer selling their Polar Bear Cookies because some customers complained that the red frosting scarf looked like a serious neck wound. 

- The move is being praised by PETC... People for the Ethical Treatment of Cookies. 

- To show how PC they are, Starbucks will now sell transgender Frosty the Snowman cookies. They're easy to spot because the carrot isn't used for his nose. 

*****

A company on Amazon has started selling Star Wars themed condoms. 

- They'll be purchased by men who haven't had sex since "A Long Time Ago...In A Galaxy Far Far Away". 

- They aren't really necessary...When it comes to romance, most Star Wars fans are more "Han Solo". 

*****

Michael Jackson's classic LP "Thriller" has become the first album in history to sell over 30 million copies. 

- Interestingly, Michael's achievement was predicted years ago by Nostril-damus. 

*****

Google has announced that the most searched topic of 2015 was Lamar Odom. 

- And for people over 50 it was a tie between Best Cholesterol & Incontinence Medicines.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with our all new Christmas Podcast!

-Dick

Jeb-i Night?

Early reviews for "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" vary, calling it everything from "chaotic...full of crazy, out-out-of-this-world characters" to "low energy...a real snoozefest". 

- No wait... Those were the reviews of last night's Presidential Debate. 

*****

Donald Trump's doctor released a statement saying The Donald's health is "astonishingly excellent" and that he would be the healthiest man ever elected President. 

- Bill Clinton would have been the healthiest President ever elected if it hadn't been for all that penicillin he was on. 

*****

A British study found that getting too much sleep can be dangerous. 

- Especially if you're sleeping over at Bill Cosby's house. 

*****

Speaking of "Dr. Huxtable"... Bill Cosby has filed a defamation suit against the women accusing him of sexual assault. 

- He claims the accusations have hurt his reputation...and are making it really tough to get women to agree to come to his hotel room for a glass of wine. 

*****

The Jehovah's Witnesses have put their New York headquarters up for sale for $1 Billion. 

- Instead of using a Real Estate Agent, their going door-to-door looking for a buyer. 

*****

Denver broke a one-day record snowfall record set in 1897 Tuesday when the city was blanketed in 7.7 inches of snow. 

- People were upset because they thought the snow was freezing the marijuana plants in their backyards. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Christmas Comes Early

The woman who won a record $2 Million at a slot machine at Greektown Casino Sunday night says she will spend the money on a new dress and a trip to Disney World. 

- Which works out perfectly. If she spends $100 on a dress, she'll have just enough left for that trip to Disney. 

******

Merriam Webster Dictionary has named "ism" as the word of the year after a big increase in online look-ups for the definition of "Terrorism".

- And most of those came from the Obama administration. 

******

Taylor Swift has applied for a trademark on the word "Swiftmas". 

- She's also filed for trademarks on the words "Break-Up", "It's Over" & "Dumped". 

*****

The MLB has refused to overturn Pete Rose's lifetime ban from the game. They say that Rose has continued to bet on sports - including baseball - throughout his appeals process. 

- What are the odds? 

*****

A Market Research Survey found that bra sales have fallen by 3% in 2015. 

- If you think the bra sales are sagging...you should see the boobs. 

*****

After 65 years with NBC, weatherman Willard Scott is retiring at the age of 81. 

- If he'd just stayed 19 more years he could have presented himself with a jar of Smuckers. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Come Over To The Dork Side

The much hyped new Star Wars Movie "The Force Awakens" premieres with a special showing at Grauman's Chinese Theater in LA tonight. 

- Which means a whole lot of 30 year old men will emerge from their parents basements and use their Light Sabers for the first time in years. 

*****

Among the hundreds of die-hard fans camped out for tonight's premiere is a man from Detroit, who has been in line since December 5th and is using baby wipes for hygiene.  

- Six words for him: "May The Deodorant Be With You". 

*****

The Department of Homeland Security says that ISIS now has a printer that can make fake Passports so real they can get jihadists into the U.S. 

- If it's anything like my printer, they'll get one page and then be stuck with an unfixable paper jam. 

*****

Meanwhile, a new Gallup poll found that 64% of Americans disagree with President Obama's plan to deal with ISIS. 

- Wait... He HAS a plan to deal with ISIS???

*****

A study found that the Presidential Election was the most talked about topic on Facebook in 2015. 

- Narrowly beating out Marge Davenport's "Thanksgiving Slow Cooker Turkey Recipe" which came in second. 

*****

Another study found that people who swear a lot are actually more intelligent than people who don't use a lot of cuss words. 

- It's about freaking time they figured this out. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #181: "...And Many More!"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and my wife Gail's "Birthday Podcast"... #181. (That's how many podcasts we've done, not how many candles are on the cake!) Today Jackie, the Birthday Girl and I unwrap topics including: 

- How I got TMJ.

- The Purtan Thanksgiving Dinner and what we didn't have on the table this year for the first time ever. Plus the dish we did have on the table that only two out of the 21 of us like. 

- The thing that, according to a new study, keeps women happy with their husbands for the first 18 years... and then it doesn't matter. 

- The importance of having a work ethic.

- Speaking of a strong work ethic, Jackie gives us an update on her good friend James "The Walking Man" Robertson. 

- And finally, the historical time period (other than the present) that we would like to have lived in... and the downsides to living in those times. (Especially the personal hygiene part!) 

So put on your Birthday party hat and join us for Podcast #181. (35:04)

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick

Donald Trump will release a Doctor's report of his health within two weeks and he says that it will show "perfection". 

- For proof he cites the support he has from the American Heart Association, American Lung Association and especially the American Proctology Association.  

*****

A British study found that worrying can take 5 years off your life. 

- Great. Something else to worry about. 

*****

Meanwhile a California scientist claims to have developed a pill that can help us live to be 120 years old. 

- The way things are going right now, I'm not sure most people wanna stick around that long. 

*****

The big controversy in Hollywood is that Leonardo di Caprio is sexually assaulted by a bear in his new movie, "Revenant". 

- The studio claims it's not a real Grizzly...it's just Bill Cosby in a bear suit. 

*****

The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff - the top Military General in the US - yesterday contradicted President Obama's consistent claim that ISIS has been contained.  

- He better hope Obama didn't draw his name in the White House "Secret Santa" gift exchange. 

*****

The VW Beetle used in the "Herbie The Love Bug" movies sold at an auction for $86,000.

- In a related story, Hollywood is planing a remake of the movie called "Charlie Sheen The Love Bug". 

*****

Scientists at Tel Aviv University concluded that it's impossible to tell the difference between a male and female brain. 

- And among politicians they found it's hard to find a brain at all. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

On-Line Takes A Chunk Out Of In-Line

A survey by the National Retail Federation found that more Americans purchased gifts on Cyber Monday than on Black Friday. 

- They also predict that in keeping with tradition, most husbands will buy their wife's gift at a gas station at 11pm on Christmas Eve. 

*****

Speaking of the Holidays... An AP survey found that most Millennials want cash for Christmas. 

- Thousands of parents are now shopping around for the best deals on money. 

*****

Kylie Jenner told Ellen DeGeneres that she likes Caitlyn Jenner better as her ex-Step Mom than Bruce Jenner as her ex-Step Dad. 

- Apparently when he was Bruce, he criticized her low cut blouses...but as Caitlyn, she asks to borrow them. 

*****

Bernie Sanders went under the knife for Hernia surgery on Monday. 

- But doctors say he'll heal quickly and be back to trailing Hillary in the polls in no time. 

*****

A Canadian study found that the more Facebook friends a person has, the more stressed they are. 

- And the more Fake Friends they have, the more stressed out they pretend to be. 

*****

Facebook co-founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg and his wife announced that they will donate 99% of their Facebook shares to charity...to the tune of $45 Billion. 

- The announcement got a "Like" from everyone in the country...except their daughter. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

P & O Not Seeing "I" to "I"

President Obama and Vladimir Putin did not make eye contact while shaking hands at the Paris Climate Summit on Monday. 

- So unlike Kennedy and Khrushchev, we have no idea who blinked first. 

*****

The National Retail Federation says the biggest selling items on Cyber Monday were cell phones and tablets. 

-  Tablets were big on Black Friday as well. Aspirin Tablets. 

*****

According to AAA, the average long distance most Americans traveled to see family on Thanksgiving was 214 miles. 

- They noted that most of the road trips included paths that went over the river and through the woods. 

- A lot of people also flew to get to Thanksgiving dinner...unlike the Turkey. 

*****

Kim Karsashian's website had a huge Cyber Monday sale. 

- Her line of bras and panties were 50% off...but as usual, the panties we're only available in size XXXXXXXXL. 

*****

Thousands of Beatles fans have gathered in Mexico City to establish a new Guinness Record for the most people dressed up like the Fab Four. 

- In order to keep the Beatles impersonators from crossing into the US, Donald Trump says he'll build a Long and Winding Wall. 

*****

Kobe Bryant's emotional retirement poem entitled "Dear Basketball" is being called one of the saddest moments in Sports this year. 

- I haven't been this moved since Dennis Rodman wrote his poem "Dear Wedding Dress Designer". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

It's "Cyber Monday"! 

Gone Shopping... 

Back here tomorrow on "Regular Tuesday".

-Dick 

Thanksgiving Day 2015

From the entire Purtan Family to You and Yours...

Have a Safe, Healthy and Happy Thanksgiving!

Over The River & Through The Woods...

It's the busiest travel day of the year...with millions of Americans making their way to family gatherings for Thanksgiving. 

- The TSA has stepped up security checks...so if you're flying, expect to have your giblets patted down. 

*****

A Gallup poll found that 46% of Americans think Donald Trump would say something inappropriate and kill the mood at Thanksgiving dinner. 

- In my family, that honor used to go to my ex brother-in-law Joe. 

*****

How low can they go? AAA says that gas prices are expected to fall below $2 a gallon as people head out for Thanksgiving. 

- I'm planning on filling up, then staying home until Memorial Day so I'll have a full tank when prices go through the roof. 

*****

Bill & Hillary Clinton will spend Thanksgiving together.

- Hillary will take a break from campaigning and Bill will give Thanks that she's been too busy to keep her eye on him.  

*****

A new report says that a group of Islamic women are secretly recruiting young girls to join ISIS. 

- It's not going very well, though, since none of the girls believe there are actually 72 male virgins in Heaven.   

*****

Dorothy's gingham dress from "The Wizard of Oz" sold for $1.56 million at auction. 

- If you add in the tax, the Toto is actually much higher. 

*****

Have a great Day before the Big Day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

A Whole Lotta Stuffing

On Thursday, President Obama will continue the long-standing Thanksgiving tradition of pardoning a Turkey. 

- Let's just hope it's not Kwame Kilpatrick. 

*****

The cost of making a Thanksgiving dinner will rise to an all time high this year, largely because of an increase in the cost of Turkeys.  

- A lot of people are switching to ham this year...not because of the cost, but because they've had their fill of Turkeys watching the Presidential debates. 

*****

The US State Department has issued a Worldwide Travel Alert for Americans due to fears of more terrorist attacks. 

- On the bright side, this makes a great excuse if you're trying to get out of going to Scranton to spend Thanksgiving weekend with your in-laws. 

*****

To better serve Americans, The Butterball Turkey Hot Line, which is open to help cooks during the holidays, now features Spanish speaking experts. 

- If they really want to help, they'd hire some experts who speak Syrian. 

*****

Charlie Sheen announced that he's writing a tell-all memoir. 

- Oh sure, NOW he decides to "tell all". 

*****

A Pregnancy First study found that drinking coffee during pregnancy does not affect a baby's IQ. 

- But drinking martini's will increase your chances of getting pregnant in the first place.

*****

Singer Carly Simon claims that Sean Connery once asked her and her sister Lucy to have a menage a trios. Carly said no but her sister did sleep with him. 

- Apparently her sister wrote "Nobody Does It Better". 

- Bill Clinton's so vain, he probably thought this story was about him. 

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Hair, There & Everywhere

A new Bloomberg poll found that Americans are equally as excited about the Political Caucuses and the release of the new Star Wars Movie. 

- Both contain epic battles and, if Chris Christie stays in the race, an appearance by Jabba the Hutt. 

- Chewbacca and Donald Trump have a lot in common...but Chewie has better hair. 

*****

Bernie Sanders and Prince Charles both told interviewers that the Syrian Refugee Crisis and recent Terrorist attacks are the direct result of Climate Change. 

- Apparently "Climate Change" is the hot new term for "ISIS".

*****

A videotape has reportedly surfaced showing Charlie Sheen smoking crack and then having sex...with a man. 

- This could really hurt Charlie's reputation. 

*****

The new "Female Viagra" drug comes with a warning that it can cause nausea, dizziness and fainting. 

- Drinks served by Bill Cosby come with the exact same warnings. 

*****

A General Social Survey found that married couples who have sex once a week are the happiest. 

- Critics are slamming the results claiming there are no married couples who actually have sex once a week.

*****

After moving Black Friday to Thursday, Walmart has announced that they'll start Cyber Monday on Sunday. 

- If they want to make people really happy, how about moving Spring to January. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #180: "A Thanksgiving Gab & Gobble Fest"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #180. With just days left until Thanksgiving, Jackie and I feast on a cornucopia of topics including: 

- My days at CKLW...and how one National Radio Consultant is still encouraging his clients today to use what he considers my "formula" for success.  

- ISIS: The recent wave of terrorist attacks and my take on what we're really up against. 

- Some things I believe we need to do to keep this country more secure. 

- Some acting tips from John Wayne and Henry Fonda.

- And a lighter note... What's on the menu for the Purtan Thanksgiving Dinner!

So grab onto your giblets Pilgrim, and join us at the family dining room table for Podcast #180.

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick

It's World Toilet Day

For those of you who thought the world was going to hell in a hand basket, it turns out it's going someplace else instead.

*****

Six of Charlie Sheen's sex partners have already filed a suit against him for failing to tell them that he has HIV. 

- If everyone he's slept with sues, this is going to be the largest Class Action Lawsuit in history. 

*****

David Hasselhoff announced that he's changing his name to David Hoff. 

- This is the biggest news to come out of Hollywood since Kanye West announced he's running for President. 

*****

President Obama told GQ magazine he plans to make gun control his signature issue of 2016. 

- The rest of us are planning to make the fight against ISIS our signature issue of 2016.

- He plans on having a beer summit with the head of the NRA. Actually, they'll be serving Colt 45. 

*****

Accroding to a new survey, 25% of British men believe that they have "Man-Periods" every month, and complain of PMS symptoms including bloating, mood swings and weight gain. 

- Just wait until they go through Men-o-pause. 

- Poor Caitlyn Jenner. Talk about a double-whammy. 

*****

A survey found that 61% of companies expect to hire more employees next year. 

- Which is great news, especially if you know how to speak Syrian. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

Not So Hap-Pee About Santa

A New Jersey shopping mall is charging kids $50 to sit on Santa's lap.

- And for $75 dollars, the kids' Dads can get Santa's Helper "Mistletoe" to give them a lap dance. 

- Remember the good old days when your kids could sit on Santa's lap and wet their pants for free? 

*****

Soccer star David Beckham has been named People magazine's "Sexist Man Alive" for 2015. 

- Meanwhile "Oppressed People Magazine" chose Kim Jong Un as it's "Sexist Dictator Alive" for the 5th year running. 

*****

Bill Clinton will be on the campus of MSU tonight to deliver a speech on Public Service. 

- And if anybody knows about being serviced by the public, it's Bill Clinton. 

*****

The CIA now believes that ISIS planned the Paris Attacks on a Playstation 4. 

- They're now looking for two additional suspects known only as "Mario" and "Luigi". 

*****

Between 11am and 3pm tomorrow, people in and around Detroit can order a flu shot which will be delivered to their homes by Uber within 10 minutes for just 10 bucks. 

- This is a change for Uber which usually delivers PEOPLE to their homes after they've had too many Shots.

*****

The Oxford English Dictionary has named "Emoji" as their word of the year. 

- The news was greeted by hundreds of thousands of Happy Faces on Twitter. 

*****

Taco Bell announced that by the end of 2016, they'll use only "cage free" eggs in their breakfast wraps. 

- The move is in line with the "meat free meat" they've been serving in their Tacos since they opened in 1962.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

All You Need Is Love?

Madonna has weighed in on the attacks in Paris by saying that we should Love terrorists into submission. 

- Okay... I say she goes first. 

- Apparently her plan is to weaken the jihadists by giving them all STD's. 

*****

The price of Turkey is expected to increase by 40% this Thanksgiving because of a bird-flu outbreak. 

- If the turkeys had just listened to their doctors and gotten their flu shots. 

*****

Yogi Berra made the list of 17 people who will be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom later this month. 

- Wasn't it Yogi who said, "If you live long enough, you're bound to be given an award posthumously"? (Okay...he didn't really say that, but you gotta admit it sounds like he did!)

*****

According to news reports, if Chris Christie doesn't fare well in the first two primaries, in min-January he will quit the race... 

- ...along with his Diet!

*****

Australia has started rationing baby food because China has been buying up large quantities. 

- I guess the little ones are just like the rest of us... they eat Chinese baby food and want more an hour later. 

- Apparently Mom's in China are packing their babies lunches before sending them off to their factory jobs. 

*****

Scientists in England believe that people who spend too much time in front of the computer suffer from "Cyber Sickness".

- You can see if you're suffering symptom by checking WebMd. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick