Come Over To The Dork Side

The much hyped new Star Wars Movie "The Force Awakens" premieres with a special showing at Grauman's Chinese Theater in LA tonight. 

- Which means a whole lot of 30 year old men will emerge from their parents basements and use their Light Sabers for the first time in years. 

*****

Among the hundreds of die-hard fans camped out for tonight's premiere is a man from Detroit, who has been in line since December 5th and is using baby wipes for hygiene.  

- Six words for him: "May The Deodorant Be With You". 

*****

The Department of Homeland Security says that ISIS now has a printer that can make fake Passports so real they can get jihadists into the U.S. 

- If it's anything like my printer, they'll get one page and then be stuck with an unfixable paper jam. 

*****

Meanwhile, a new Gallup poll found that 64% of Americans disagree with President Obama's plan to deal with ISIS. 

- Wait... He HAS a plan to deal with ISIS???

*****

A study found that the Presidential Election was the most talked about topic on Facebook in 2015. 

- Narrowly beating out Marge Davenport's "Thanksgiving Slow Cooker Turkey Recipe" which came in second. 

*****

Another study found that people who swear a lot are actually more intelligent than people who don't use a lot of cuss words. 

- It's about freaking time they figured this out. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #181: "...And Many More!"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and my wife Gail's "Birthday Podcast"... #181. (That's how many podcasts we've done, not how many candles are on the cake!) Today Jackie, the Birthday Girl and I unwrap topics including: 

- How I got TMJ.

- The Purtan Thanksgiving Dinner and what we didn't have on the table this year for the first time ever. Plus the dish we did have on the table that only two out of the 21 of us like. 

- The thing that, according to a new study, keeps women happy with their husbands for the first 18 years... and then it doesn't matter. 

- The importance of having a work ethic.

- Speaking of a strong work ethic, Jackie gives us an update on her good friend James "The Walking Man" Robertson. 

- And finally, the historical time period (other than the present) that we would like to have lived in... and the downsides to living in those times. (Especially the personal hygiene part!) 

So put on your Birthday party hat and join us for Podcast #181. (35:04)

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick

Donald Trump will release a Doctor's report of his health within two weeks and he says that it will show "perfection". 

- For proof he cites the support he has from the American Heart Association, American Lung Association and especially the American Proctology Association.  

*****

A British study found that worrying can take 5 years off your life. 

- Great. Something else to worry about. 

*****

Meanwhile a California scientist claims to have developed a pill that can help us live to be 120 years old. 

- The way things are going right now, I'm not sure most people wanna stick around that long. 

*****

The big controversy in Hollywood is that Leonardo di Caprio is sexually assaulted by a bear in his new movie, "Revenant". 

- The studio claims it's not a real Grizzly...it's just Bill Cosby in a bear suit. 

*****

The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff - the top Military General in the US - yesterday contradicted President Obama's consistent claim that ISIS has been contained.  

- He better hope Obama didn't draw his name in the White House "Secret Santa" gift exchange. 

*****

The VW Beetle used in the "Herbie The Love Bug" movies sold at an auction for $86,000.

- In a related story, Hollywood is planing a remake of the movie called "Charlie Sheen The Love Bug". 

*****

Scientists at Tel Aviv University concluded that it's impossible to tell the difference between a male and female brain. 

- And among politicians they found it's hard to find a brain at all. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

On-Line Takes A Chunk Out Of In-Line

A survey by the National Retail Federation found that more Americans purchased gifts on Cyber Monday than on Black Friday. 

- They also predict that in keeping with tradition, most husbands will buy their wife's gift at a gas station at 11pm on Christmas Eve. 

*****

Speaking of the Holidays... An AP survey found that most Millennials want cash for Christmas. 

- Thousands of parents are now shopping around for the best deals on money. 

*****

Kylie Jenner told Ellen DeGeneres that she likes Caitlyn Jenner better as her ex-Step Mom than Bruce Jenner as her ex-Step Dad. 

- Apparently when he was Bruce, he criticized her low cut blouses...but as Caitlyn, she asks to borrow them. 

*****

Bernie Sanders went under the knife for Hernia surgery on Monday. 

- But doctors say he'll heal quickly and be back to trailing Hillary in the polls in no time. 

*****

A Canadian study found that the more Facebook friends a person has, the more stressed they are. 

- And the more Fake Friends they have, the more stressed out they pretend to be. 

*****

Facebook co-founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg and his wife announced that they will donate 99% of their Facebook shares to charity...to the tune of $45 Billion. 

- The announcement got a "Like" from everyone in the country...except their daughter. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

P & O Not Seeing "I" to "I"

President Obama and Vladimir Putin did not make eye contact while shaking hands at the Paris Climate Summit on Monday. 

- So unlike Kennedy and Khrushchev, we have no idea who blinked first. 

*****

The National Retail Federation says the biggest selling items on Cyber Monday were cell phones and tablets. 

-  Tablets were big on Black Friday as well. Aspirin Tablets. 

*****

According to AAA, the average long distance most Americans traveled to see family on Thanksgiving was 214 miles. 

- They noted that most of the road trips included paths that went over the river and through the woods. 

- A lot of people also flew to get to Thanksgiving dinner...unlike the Turkey. 

*****

Kim Karsashian's website had a huge Cyber Monday sale. 

- Her line of bras and panties were 50% off...but as usual, the panties we're only available in size XXXXXXXXL. 

*****

Thousands of Beatles fans have gathered in Mexico City to establish a new Guinness Record for the most people dressed up like the Fab Four. 

- In order to keep the Beatles impersonators from crossing into the US, Donald Trump says he'll build a Long and Winding Wall. 

*****

Kobe Bryant's emotional retirement poem entitled "Dear Basketball" is being called one of the saddest moments in Sports this year. 

- I haven't been this moved since Dennis Rodman wrote his poem "Dear Wedding Dress Designer". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

It's "Cyber Monday"! 

Gone Shopping... 

Back here tomorrow on "Regular Tuesday".

-Dick 

Thanksgiving Day 2015

From the entire Purtan Family to You and Yours...

Have a Safe, Healthy and Happy Thanksgiving!

Over The River & Through The Woods...

It's the busiest travel day of the year...with millions of Americans making their way to family gatherings for Thanksgiving. 

- The TSA has stepped up security checks...so if you're flying, expect to have your giblets patted down. 

*****

A Gallup poll found that 46% of Americans think Donald Trump would say something inappropriate and kill the mood at Thanksgiving dinner. 

- In my family, that honor used to go to my ex brother-in-law Joe. 

*****

How low can they go? AAA says that gas prices are expected to fall below $2 a gallon as people head out for Thanksgiving. 

- I'm planning on filling up, then staying home until Memorial Day so I'll have a full tank when prices go through the roof. 

*****

Bill & Hillary Clinton will spend Thanksgiving together.

- Hillary will take a break from campaigning and Bill will give Thanks that she's been too busy to keep her eye on him.  

*****

A new report says that a group of Islamic women are secretly recruiting young girls to join ISIS. 

- It's not going very well, though, since none of the girls believe there are actually 72 male virgins in Heaven.   

*****

Dorothy's gingham dress from "The Wizard of Oz" sold for $1.56 million at auction. 

- If you add in the tax, the Toto is actually much higher. 

*****

Have a great Day before the Big Day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

A Whole Lotta Stuffing

On Thursday, President Obama will continue the long-standing Thanksgiving tradition of pardoning a Turkey. 

- Let's just hope it's not Kwame Kilpatrick. 

*****

The cost of making a Thanksgiving dinner will rise to an all time high this year, largely because of an increase in the cost of Turkeys.  

- A lot of people are switching to ham this year...not because of the cost, but because they've had their fill of Turkeys watching the Presidential debates. 

*****

The US State Department has issued a Worldwide Travel Alert for Americans due to fears of more terrorist attacks. 

- On the bright side, this makes a great excuse if you're trying to get out of going to Scranton to spend Thanksgiving weekend with your in-laws. 

*****

To better serve Americans, The Butterball Turkey Hot Line, which is open to help cooks during the holidays, now features Spanish speaking experts. 

- If they really want to help, they'd hire some experts who speak Syrian. 

*****

Charlie Sheen announced that he's writing a tell-all memoir. 

- Oh sure, NOW he decides to "tell all". 

*****

A Pregnancy First study found that drinking coffee during pregnancy does not affect a baby's IQ. 

- But drinking martini's will increase your chances of getting pregnant in the first place.

*****

Singer Carly Simon claims that Sean Connery once asked her and her sister Lucy to have a menage a trios. Carly said no but her sister did sleep with him. 

- Apparently her sister wrote "Nobody Does It Better". 

- Bill Clinton's so vain, he probably thought this story was about him. 

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Hair, There & Everywhere

A new Bloomberg poll found that Americans are equally as excited about the Political Caucuses and the release of the new Star Wars Movie. 

- Both contain epic battles and, if Chris Christie stays in the race, an appearance by Jabba the Hutt. 

- Chewbacca and Donald Trump have a lot in common...but Chewie has better hair. 

*****

Bernie Sanders and Prince Charles both told interviewers that the Syrian Refugee Crisis and recent Terrorist attacks are the direct result of Climate Change. 

- Apparently "Climate Change" is the hot new term for "ISIS".

*****

A videotape has reportedly surfaced showing Charlie Sheen smoking crack and then having sex...with a man. 

- This could really hurt Charlie's reputation. 

*****

The new "Female Viagra" drug comes with a warning that it can cause nausea, dizziness and fainting. 

- Drinks served by Bill Cosby come with the exact same warnings. 

*****

A General Social Survey found that married couples who have sex once a week are the happiest. 

- Critics are slamming the results claiming there are no married couples who actually have sex once a week.

*****

After moving Black Friday to Thursday, Walmart has announced that they'll start Cyber Monday on Sunday. 

- If they want to make people really happy, how about moving Spring to January. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #180: "A Thanksgiving Gab & Gobble Fest"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #180. With just days left until Thanksgiving, Jackie and I feast on a cornucopia of topics including: 

- My days at CKLW...and how one National Radio Consultant is still encouraging his clients today to use what he considers my "formula" for success.  

- ISIS: The recent wave of terrorist attacks and my take on what we're really up against. 

- Some things I believe we need to do to keep this country more secure. 

- Some acting tips from John Wayne and Henry Fonda.

- And a lighter note... What's on the menu for the Purtan Thanksgiving Dinner!

So grab onto your giblets Pilgrim, and join us at the family dining room table for Podcast #180.

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick

It's World Toilet Day

For those of you who thought the world was going to hell in a hand basket, it turns out it's going someplace else instead.

*****

Six of Charlie Sheen's sex partners have already filed a suit against him for failing to tell them that he has HIV. 

- If everyone he's slept with sues, this is going to be the largest Class Action Lawsuit in history. 

*****

David Hasselhoff announced that he's changing his name to David Hoff. 

- This is the biggest news to come out of Hollywood since Kanye West announced he's running for President. 

*****

President Obama told GQ magazine he plans to make gun control his signature issue of 2016. 

- The rest of us are planning to make the fight against ISIS our signature issue of 2016.

- He plans on having a beer summit with the head of the NRA. Actually, they'll be serving Colt 45. 

*****

Accroding to a new survey, 25% of British men believe that they have "Man-Periods" every month, and complain of PMS symptoms including bloating, mood swings and weight gain. 

- Just wait until they go through Men-o-pause. 

- Poor Caitlyn Jenner. Talk about a double-whammy. 

*****

A survey found that 61% of companies expect to hire more employees next year. 

- Which is great news, especially if you know how to speak Syrian. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

Not So Hap-Pee About Santa

A New Jersey shopping mall is charging kids $50 to sit on Santa's lap.

- And for $75 dollars, the kids' Dads can get Santa's Helper "Mistletoe" to give them a lap dance. 

- Remember the good old days when your kids could sit on Santa's lap and wet their pants for free? 

*****

Soccer star David Beckham has been named People magazine's "Sexist Man Alive" for 2015. 

- Meanwhile "Oppressed People Magazine" chose Kim Jong Un as it's "Sexist Dictator Alive" for the 5th year running. 

*****

Bill Clinton will be on the campus of MSU tonight to deliver a speech on Public Service. 

- And if anybody knows about being serviced by the public, it's Bill Clinton. 

*****

The CIA now believes that ISIS planned the Paris Attacks on a Playstation 4. 

- They're now looking for two additional suspects known only as "Mario" and "Luigi". 

*****

Between 11am and 3pm tomorrow, people in and around Detroit can order a flu shot which will be delivered to their homes by Uber within 10 minutes for just 10 bucks. 

- This is a change for Uber which usually delivers PEOPLE to their homes after they've had too many Shots.

*****

The Oxford English Dictionary has named "Emoji" as their word of the year. 

- The news was greeted by hundreds of thousands of Happy Faces on Twitter. 

*****

Taco Bell announced that by the end of 2016, they'll use only "cage free" eggs in their breakfast wraps. 

- The move is in line with the "meat free meat" they've been serving in their Tacos since they opened in 1962.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

All You Need Is Love?

Madonna has weighed in on the attacks in Paris by saying that we should Love terrorists into submission. 

- Okay... I say she goes first. 

- Apparently her plan is to weaken the jihadists by giving them all STD's. 

*****

The price of Turkey is expected to increase by 40% this Thanksgiving because of a bird-flu outbreak. 

- If the turkeys had just listened to their doctors and gotten their flu shots. 

*****

Yogi Berra made the list of 17 people who will be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom later this month. 

- Wasn't it Yogi who said, "If you live long enough, you're bound to be given an award posthumously"? (Okay...he didn't really say that, but you gotta admit it sounds like he did!)

*****

According to news reports, if Chris Christie doesn't fare well in the first two primaries, in min-January he will quit the race... 

- ...along with his Diet!

*****

Australia has started rationing baby food because China has been buying up large quantities. 

- I guess the little ones are just like the rest of us... they eat Chinese baby food and want more an hour later. 

- Apparently Mom's in China are packing their babies lunches before sending them off to their factory jobs. 

*****

Scientists in England believe that people who spend too much time in front of the computer suffer from "Cyber Sickness".

- You can see if you're suffering symptom by checking WebMd. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

The Lions Win IN Green Bay!!!

Our Hearts and Prayers go out to the victims and families of the horrific terrorist attacks in Paris. 

*****

And the World goes on...

The Lions beat the Packers 18-16 in Green Bay for the first time since 1991. To put that in perspective, in 1991, George H.W. Bush was President, Coleman Young was the Mayor, The Tonight Show was hosted by Johnny Carson, and Bill Cosby was "America's Favorite TV Father"...as opposed to Molester.  

U of M beat Indiana 48-41 in double overtime bringing their record to 8-2. 

And Peyton Manning broke the NFL's all-time passing record...and then was promptly benched for giving up 4 interceptions. 

*****

A new website called the Breakup Shop will dump your girlfriend or boyfriend for $10. 

- Why not just be adult about it and break up with them by text? 

*****

A Scottish official who oversaw the removal of the country's public toilets was arrested for relieving himself on a public street. 

- So basically he got arrested because he did such a good job. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #179: "The Art Of Capturing Radio On Video"

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #179. Jackie's off recovering from surgery, but I welcome a special guest today - Art Vuolo aka "Radio's Best Friend" - the man who put Radio on Video. Art will soon have an exhibit at the National Radio Hall of Fame in Chicago dedicated exclusively to him and his preservation of the history of today and yesterday's Radio by capturing it all on Video. 

Art and I share radio stories involving some of your favorite Detroit radio names...and I'll explain how I ended up on the National Radio Hall of Fame Honor Roll just above Ronald Reagan and Franklin Delano Roosevelt. 

So throw some logs on and join us for a "Fireside Chat" about all things Radio...and Video! 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick

A Not-So-Smart Phone User

The selfie a man took of himself in the delivery room while his wife was trying to give birth has gone viral, upsetting some people who say he should have been supporting her. 

- His wife was mad at first, but when push came to shove, she forgave him. 

- The father says when he looked closer at the pic, he realized his wife's expression was the same one she had during the conception. 

*****

Hillary Clinton's campaign is laughing off speculation by Donald Trump that her new poofy hairdo is actually a wig. 

- Call me crazy...but I thought it was the other way around. 

*****

 The United State Postal Workers Union has endorsed Bernie Sanders for President. 

- It's not that they like him, they're just mad that Hillary sends so many secret emails, she hasn't bought a stamp since 2007. 

*****

Several well known Olive Oil producers in Italy are under fire for passing off regular Virgin Olive Oil for the more expensive Extra Virgin. 

- There hasn't been this much uproar over claims of Virginity since Madonna released her second album. 

- Jihadists are using the scandal to recruit more suicide bombers, claiming now, if they blow themselves up, they'll get 72 EXTRA Virgin Virgins. 

*****

A CNN poll found that 65% percent of voters in New Jersey want their Governor Chris Christie out of the Presidential race. 

- And 95% want him barred from all-you-can-eat buffets because he holds up the line. 

*****

In the new PC Star Wars movie, Princess Leia is referred to as "General" instead of "Princess". 

- The "Death Star" also features Unisex bathrooms so the characters can use it whether they have a light saber or not. 

- Writers cancelled their plans to reveal that Darth Vader was actually gay by having him say, "Luke...You Have Two Fathers". 

*****

A British study says that if you have fit legs, you also have a fit brain. 

- Huh??

- Then how do you explain the saddle bags on my brain? 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Veterans Day 2015

I believe the quote above says it beautifully. To all of our Veterans...we not only Salute You, but Thank You, for your service and the sacrifices you and your families made for our great country. 

***** 

The National Weather Service has issued a High Wind Alert for much of Southeast Michigan...with the possibility of wind gusts up to 50mph. 

- They issued the alert early this morning, but it actually started right before last night's Presidential Debate. 

*****

Speaking of the debate... Donald Trump was booed by the audience when he jumped in and asked the moderators about Carly Fiorina, "Why does she keep interrupting everyone?". 

- Fiorina did a good job of saving face... but of course Trump has a problem with that too. 

*****

President Obama officially joined Facebook on Monday, with a post that began "Hello Facebook! I finally have my very own page!"

- You'd better hit the "Like" button or you can expect a visit from the IRS. 

*****

Sea World announced that they're ending their Orca shows. 

- Meanwhile ABC announced that they are ending talks to have Rosie O'Donnell rejoin "The View". 

*****

The North Korean Government announced that Kim Hong Un's top assistant has died at age 42 of "natural causes". 

- Apparently he had a heart attack right before the Firing Squad took him down. 

*****

The FCC says that equal time laws require NBC to give 12 minutes and 5 seconds of air time to all  of the Republican Presidential candidates since that's the amount of time Donald Trump spent as guest host of SNL. 

- They didn't need to make the rule for Democrats since NBC gives those candidates air time 24/7. 

- Jeb Bush and Chris Christie will both appear on "The Biggest Loser"... but for different reasons. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Painting By Poll Numbers

Ben Carson is being mocked for having a portrait of himself and Jesus hanging in his home. 

- Meanwhile Donald Trump posted a selfie on Instagram with the hashtag "I'm God". 

*****

In his new book, Former President George H.W. Bush takes shots at his son's Vice President Dick Cheney. 

- Usually Dick Cheney is the one taking shots at people. 

*****

A new report found that Hillary Clinton has the highest percentage of fake Twitter followers of all the Presidential Candidates. 

- And lately even her fake followers have started to demand answers about the whole email thing. 

*****

A Massachusetts jury awarded $100,000 in damages to a man who was fired from his job as a barber because he's blind. 

- And to think Kim Jong Un's barber is still employed. 

*****

A Vault.Com survey found that 95% of Americans think office flings are okay. 

- Another survey found that Bill Clinton thinks Oval Office flings are amazing. 

*****

Jerry Seinfeld told a group of reporters that he believes talking has become obsolete. 

- Which is going to make doing Stand-Up pretty challenging. 

- On the bright side, "Charades" is set to make a big comeback!

*****

Police on the East Coast are looking for a man who tied a woman to some railroad tracks.

- After calling in a sketch artist, they realized the suspect was a Mr. S. Whiplash. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #178: "This Won't Hurt A Bit"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #178...Today Jackie and I sit down at the Purtan Dining room table for a rather revealing conversation including: 

- Jackie's upcoming surgery... We'll tell you why she's going "under the knife". 

- A story about my trip to the Cider Mill involving Donuts, an ATM, and a fan of my radio show. (I think).

- The search for my friend Gary Smith. 

- And Jackie's son Charlie's 8th grade trip to Washington, D.C. and how it brought out some classic 14 year old boys' behavior. 

So join us for Podcast #178... You won't even need anesthetic, I promise.  (27:35)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday! 

-Dick