Somebody's Celebratin' a Birthday!!!!!

Jackie here! Yes it’s July 11th! And that can mean only one thing…IT’S DICK’S (MY DAD’S) BIRTHDAY! And while I was going through some things getting ready for Dad’s traditional family party, including a trip to Chuck E. Cheese, Go-Carting and “Pin The Tail On The Disc Jockey”, I came across this rare, never before seen picture of my Dad, snapped just moments after he was born. (I can’t imagine why my Grandparents didn’t have it on display…)

Okay…truth be told, that’s actually a picture of my sister Julie’s baby Brayden taken on his birthday in January 2012… But you have to admit there’s a bit of a family resemblance! 

Have a great day and let the Birthday Festival begin! 

Much love…

-Jackie (Along with my Mom Gail & 5 Sisters… Jennifer, Jill, JoAnne, Jessica & Julie!) 

A Glib Gibb Pens Song About Girl In The Pen!

Barry Gibb, the last surviving member of the Bee Gees is writing a song about…wait for it…convicted boyfriend-killer Jodi Arias, who may get the death penalty.  

- It’s tentative title? “Not Stayin’ Alive”. 

- Barry admits it’s an odd topic for a song but says he wants to “take a stab at it”.

*****

The IRS mistakenly exposed more than one hundred thousand social security numbers online. 

- But don’t worry…the White House said it was just one guy in Cincinnati who made the mistake. 

- They say he was “dealt with” which in Government speak means he got a promotion and a company car! 

*****

Two House Democrats introduced a bill to estabish a US National Park on the moon, on the site of the Apollo mission landings. 

- Now if they can just get somebody to make an RV that flies. 

- For you conspiracy theorists, the park will actually be located on a movie set in Hollywood. 

*****

A Golden Corral employee went online and exposed that the restaurant’s management hides food out by the dumpster during health inspections and then brings it back in. 

- Well this explains the old tennis shoe I found at the salad bar. 

*****

Speaking of food…Mexico replaced the U.S. as the world’s fattest nation, with 32% of Mexicans considered obese compared to “just” 31% of Americans.

- All we have to do to reclaim the #1 title is build a few more Taco Bells!

- So apparently all those illegal immigrants aren’t “Running for the Border”…they’re actually waddling towards it.

*****

DirecTV is launching a new channel for $4.95 a month called DogTV that promises to entertain dogs 24 hours a day.

- The line-up of shows includes “Two and A Half Pit Bulls”, “Leave It To The Retriever”, and “The Butt-cherlorette”.

- Ironically I heard about it on CNN - The Canine News Network.

- They even plan on showing classic movies like “The Maltese & The Falcon”.

***** 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday…July 11th…Hmmm, why does that date ring a bell???

- Dick

Osama Bin Laden Faced Major Speed Hump!

A leaked Pakistani report reveals that Osama Bin Laden was pulled over for speeding just a year after 9/11 but wasn’t charged. 

- Wow. That must have been one speedy camel!

- The cop let him go when he saw the Handicapped Sticker hanging from the Camel’s ear.  

*****

The report also indicated that Bin Laden walked around his secret compound in a cowboy hat, believing that it would block drones from detecting him. 

- Around the compound he was known as “The Lonesome Buckaroo”. 

- It’s worked for “The Lone Ranger”. Hardly any movie-goers have zeroed in on him at all. 

*****

The Girl Scouts revealed that the pension plan for their headquarters leadership has a $347 million deficit. 

- Looks like somebody is going to have to return their “Accounting” merit badge! 

- To  make up for the shortfall, they’re begging people to buy Samoa cookies. 

*****

According the the latest govenment jobs report, the largest employer in America is Wal-Mart, and the second largest is the Kelly Temp Agency. 

- Kelly Temps would have come in first, but they only employ “greeters” temporarily.

***** 

A gourmet shop in New York is offering wine-soaked popcorn. 

- It goes great with the new cheese & cracker flavored Raisinets. 

- They premiered the treat at a special screening of the Liza Minelli movie “Cabernet”. 

*****

A 92-year-old iraqi farmer married a 22 year old woman last week. 

- The wedding will be consumated as soon as he gets up enough energy to unbutton her Burka. 

- It was perfect…He was the “something old” and she was the “something new”. 

*****

Former NYC Gov Eliot Spitzer got heckled by a crowd yesterday after announcing that he’s running for Comptroller of NYC. He said his happiest professional moments came in public service. 

- And his happiest personal moments came while being serviced by a member of the public. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

America Falling (For) Behind...

Pippa Middleton is reportedly so tired of being called a “non-Royal” but having to live by the Queen’s rules, she’s moving to America after her sister, Kate Middleton gives birth to the Royal Heir.

- Queen Elizabeth calls her “a pain in the butt”. Meantime the Queen’s husband Prince Phillip added “and I do mean butt!” 

- America hasn’t scored this big a victory over the British since the Revolutionary War. 

*****

The NFL is considering banning academically-ineligible college players. 

- They’re never going to do it…but hey, at least they’re considering it. 

*****

Eliot Spitzer, the former Governor of NY who resigned after being caught up in a high-class prostitution scandal is  running for Comptroller of NYC. And he’ll be running against the madam who hooked him up with hookers. 

- The two are friendly…in fact Spitzer already has her number on speed dial. 

- I guess he figures if Anthony Weiner can get his career up and running again, so can he. 

*****

The Lone Ranger tanked at the box office - earning just under $50 mil in it’s first five days. The movie cost $255 million. 

- It would have done better, but everyone who went to see it got the Senior Citizen discount. 

- The producers never should have changed the Lone Ranger’s “Hi-Ho Silver!” to “Have you considered adding Silver to your Portfolio?” 

*****

The Beatles made Rolling Stone magazine’s list of the 13 Dumbest Band Names in History. 

- Imagine how much more successful their career would have been if they’d had a better name!!!  

*****

Pope Francis said it “pains” him to see priests and nuns driving flashy cars, and they should demonstrate their faith by driving something more humble. 

- He also requested that they take the “I Heart Benedict A Lot Better” stickers off their bumpers. 

- He suggests a BVM (Blessed Virgin Mary). Afterall, it’s the ultimate praying machine 

- Hey…at least some of the Priests carpool to their weekly Poker Game at the Vatican. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Stars & Stripes & Spatulas...

Happy 4th of July Weekend! Whether you’re grillin’ or chillin’, I hope your celebrations are fun-filled and safe! 

And let’s not forget what it’s really all about… The 237th Birthday of the United States of America! 

Have a great weekend! 

-Dick 

July 5th: It's "National Workaholics Day"!!!

Hope you had a great 4th of July! Hey…I’m as Patriotic as the next guy and love the fireworks…but when they went past 12:15am, it started cutting into my beauty sleep. Oh wait…I’m retired. I don’t have to get up early anymore. But some people do! If you’re one of them…you’re being celebrated today during “National Workaholics Day”! Lucky you! 

For those of you taking the day off…make sure to don your “two-piece”, since today is also “National Bikini Day”. CAUTION: Guys…remember a Speedo does NOT count as a Bikini! 

No matter what you’re doing (or wearing) have a great rest-of-the Holiday Weekend and I’ll see you right back here Monday with my regular blog.

- Dick

Happy 4th of July!

Happy 4th to you and yours, from me and mine! And Happy Birthday to the Greatest Nation on Earth - America…237 years old today! Best wishes for a Safe & Happy Holiday Weekend! 

-Dick

P.S. In honor of the Holiday, I’ve put up one Patriotic and one rather appropriate Pop Song for your listening and viewing pleasure! 

"...And Counting!"

Happy July 3rd! As the Holiday Weekend begins, we’re doing what the Founding Father’s did the day before the “The 4th” and taking it easy. On that note, here are just a few quick tibits from the news…

*****

CNN is being critcized for broadcasting George Zimmerman’s social security number on TV.

- Pretty tacky move by CNN, but I don’t think there’s a person in the world right now who wants to go around pretending he’s George Zimmerman. 

- Except maybe Eric Snowden. 

*****

Egypt is in turmoil with major rioting as rebels try to oust the President and the Muslim Brotherhood from power. 

- And to think it all started as a Pyramid scheme. 

*****

27 NFL players have been arrested since the Super Bowl. 

- Looks like these guys should be wearing helmets off the field, as well as on. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here on the 4th! 

- Dick

Martha Stewart Gone Wild!

In an interview last week, Martha Stewart admitted to sexting, having a one-night stand, and most shockingly - having a threesome. 

- Or as the other two participants in the threesome called it, “NOT a Good Thing!”

- I’m thinking the one night stand happened back when she was in Prison.  

*****

New research shows that women go through 150 hairstyles in a lifetime. 

- Except for Marge Simpson who just sticks with one. 

- About 50 of the hairstyles happen in the hours leading up to a teenager’s Senior Prom. 

- Men, on the other hand have only three hairstyles: Having hair, The Combover, and Completely Bald. 

*****

Interest in Paula Deen’s annual cruise has increased so much that another one has been added. 

- She just loves the ocean…especially the white caps. (Ooooh Sorry! Cheap shot!)

*****

Former New England Patriots receiver Dion Branch said murder suspect Aaron Hernandez is “a great guy”. 

- Isn’t that what Dennis Rodman said about Kim Jong Un? 

- And let’s not forget that Hitler was a terrific dancer! 

- Branch added that he’s not only “a great guy”, but “a great shot” as well. 

*****

Jessica Simpson says she thinks her newborn baby boy, Ace Knute Johnson, is going to become President of the United States. 

- Well I think we can pretty much rule out brain surgeon and rocket scientist.   

*****

Today is World UFO Day. It was started in 2001 and is dedicated to the existance of Unidentified Flying Objects. 

- In Washington DC it’s know as “Eric Snowden Day” since they can’t undentify his current location and have no idea where he’s flying to. 

*****

Have a great day…and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Happy Birthdaze!!!!!

It’s the first of July! A great month! (Did I mention it’s my Birthday month? I’ve already made my reservations at Chuck E. Cheese!) But I’m getting ahead of myself… Yesterday, June 30, was daughter Jackie’s, (and partner in web and podcasting crime’s) Birthday! The pic was taken last night at exactly 9:03pm by my wife (and her mother) Gail! Now that I think about it…Gail probably should have been in the picture since her “contribution” to Jackie’s being born was substatially greater (and time consuming) than mine!

***** 

Speaking of getting older, Saturday night the Rolling Stones performed in front of a crowd of 170,000 at a festival in England and got rave reviews! Not bad for a band who’s aggregate age is 276. One reviewer said “The last time they perfeormed in front of that many people was when they played the Stonehenge Opening Ceremony in 2300BC”.

- Personally I thought it was when they played in Egypt at the opening of the Great Pyramid in 2600BC. 

*****

Saturday was National Camera Day. 

- Or as Anthony Weiner calls it: Saturday. 

- Poloroid had originally planned a big party, but nothing developed. 

- It’s the one day of the year people on Facebook spend the entire time taking and posting “cute” pictures of their cats. No wait…that’s everyday.

*****

In an interview, Cher ranked Tom Cruise as number one of her top 5 lovers. 

- Ironically, so did her son Chaz Bono. 

- She said George Washington would have made the cut if it wasn’t for those pesky wooden teeth! 

*****

Alec Baldwin went on a wild, expletive-filled homophobic Twitter rant against a British reporter last Friday. 

- He should save his expletive-filled rants for the people who deserve them…like his daughter. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow! 

-Dick

"But Weight! There's More!"

Welcome to the weekend and a shiny new Podcast - #84! In this go-around, I’m joined by the usual suspects - my wife Gail and my daughter Jackie. And there’s no better way for a guy to start a discussion with two “chicks” then by bringing up a new study that found that in the last 50 years, American women have become more overweight than at any other time in the country’s history. (Good move, Dick!) I’ll explain the scientific theory and the ladies “weigh in”, if you will, will their own opinions. 

Speaking of weight…Jackie shares her story about joining a gym - and in her enthusiasm to “get in shape” - stepping into an Extreme “Zoomba” dance class without so much as a single step on the treadmill. You’ll find out how she managed to survive and offers some “inside Zoomba” info that just might have men wanting to join the class. (And it has nothing to do with getting in shape). 

My exercise of choice these days has been swimming and I tell you a story involving me and twenty-five women in a pool. Plus Gail explains how I’ve apparently misunderstood the philosophy behind a trendy new diet.  

We also cover everything from Jackie’s son Charlie’s music concert to Anthony Weiner. (Actually, I wish someone would “cover” Anthony Weiner!) 

So usher out the end of June by tuning in to Podcast #83. It’ll even help you burn a few calories! (Or not.)

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday to begin my Birthday Month Festival!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #84  (34:12)

Paula's Recipe For Disaster!

In addition to being fired from the Food Network for admitting to making racial slurs in the past, Southern Cook Paula Deen has now been dropped by Wal-Mart. 

- Which is amazing since half their profits come from the stretch pants they sell to people who eat her food! 

*****

Bobby Ferguson will be back in court today to declare that he’s completely broke and can’t afford a lawyer. But prosecutors say he has no proof of any of it on paper. 

- And if you can’t trust Bobby, who can you trust? How about Kwame? Oh yeah…I forgot. I’d ask him but he’s in the infirmary getting some ice for his bum knee. 

*****

A funeral director in Farmville, Virginia is offering a new service to grieving relatives: A drive-thru viewing window. He says it will help the elderly who want to pay their respects but have a hard time getting out of their cars. 

- If you’re emotional and crying…don’t forget to ask for extra napkins.  

- One man has already complained, saying the guy he viewed in the window wasn’t his Uncle, proving once again…THEY ALWAYS GET IT WRONG AT THE DRIVE-THRU!

*****

A man is Wisconsin has pleaded guilty to having sex with an abandoned couch on a public street. 

- Apparently he misunderstood the definition of a “Sex-tional”.

***** 

Yesterday the Supreme Court declared part of the Defense of Marriage Act unconstitutional, which will allow legally married gay couples to apply for federal benefits. 

- Meanwhile, the Government is so broke, they’ve asked the Supreme Court to declare all “Federal Benefits” unconstitutional. 

The Court also let stand a ruling that struck down California’s Prop 8 gay marriage ban, so gay marriage will soon be legal again in California. 

- And so will gay divorce! 

*****

The New England Patriot’s have dropped tight end Aaron Hernandez after he was officially charged with murdering a friend following a dispute at a nightclub. 

- If convicted, he can kiss his days as a tight end goodbye. 

- OJ has already offered to write a book for Hernandez called, “If He Did It”. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an all new Podcast! 

-Dick

Kwame's Latest "Knee & Jerk" Reaction...

Kwame is Komplaining - AGAIN. Despite being allowed out of jail twice a week for post-knee surgery rehab, Kaptain Korruption is now whining that the prison doesn’t have the “ice and workout equipment” he needs to do therapy inside the Hooscow. 

- What does he need ice for? He’s already got the biggest cubes in the joint. 

- To be honest, he is going to need strong knees…for all that praying of course. 

- Speaking of exercise equipment, Kwame used to make Christine Beatty refer to him as “The Thigh Master”. 

*****

In other fun prison news…Robert Bashara, who pled guilty to hiring a hitman to kill his wife, is in trouble with the Warden. A recent search of his cell revealed a stash of “Contraband”. The illegal items? Packets of ketchup, sugar and jelly he lifted from the cafeteria. 

- Sounds like Bashera’s got some learning to do. Everybody knows you can’t make a shiv out of a packet of ketchup. 

- Stealing condiments? Sounds like he’s got prison food and prison sex mixed up. 

*****

The Obama administration is reaching out to NFL players to help promote the “Affordable Care Act”. 

- They were going to ask Major League Baseball Players to help out, but they figured it be easier to get guys who have suffered numerous concussions to agree. 

*****

A new poll shows that 76% of Americans are living paycheck-to-paycheck. 

- The other 24% work for the IRS. 

*****

Colonel Sander’s original white suit has sold at auction for $21,000. 

- So now the guy who bought it can cross one more thing off his Bucket List. 

- 21 grand for a suit sounded expensive…until you remember that it came with cole slaw, mashed potatoes & gravy and a biscuit. 

*****

Former porn star Jenna Jamison is considering a run for Congress. 

- Why not? She’s already slept with half the guys on the Hill. 

- She’s also willing to be appointed “Under Secretary” of anything. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! And don’t forget to check out my latest Podcast (#83) up now on the homepage!

-Dick

"And The Rockets Red Glare..."

Despite reports of gunfire that send hundreds of Fireworks watchers scrambling, the Big Night over the Detroit river went off pretty much without a hitch. 

- There hasn’t been that much explosive activity downtown since Monica Conyers was on the City Council. 

- In case you missed it, the night can pretty much be summed up in two words: “Ooooooh!” and “Ahhhhh!”.

*****

NSA Whistleblower Eric Snowden remains MIA as of this writing. Some believe he is still in Russia being questioned about US spying techniques against that country. 

- The US government says they know they can find him…if he’d just apply for tax-exempt status! 

- Apple is furiously working on a new tracking device to help catch him. Their slogan is: “Trying to Find Eric Snowden? There’s an App For That!”

*****

McDonald’s is re-shaping their McNuggets to make them seem more natural. 

- It’s just like what Lorena Bobbitt did except for the “looking more natural” part. 

*****

A 60-year-old Washington State man’s lifelong dream to fly 268 miles to Oregon in a lawn chair with helium balloons tied to it went awry when he had to be rescued after crash landing in the top of a 40 foot tree. 

- It didn’t work for him…but it did give Eric Snowden a great idea! 

- Rescusers had a hard time finding him until they finally heard “Help Me” coming from a Munchkin-sounding man’s voice.

*****

British scientists have discovered that plants are able to do math. 

-Except for certain flowers that are too Impatiens to do long-division. 

*****

Researchers at Caltech found that people who receive a mild electrical shock found potential dates more attractive than they did before the shock. 

- This explains why drunk, lonely guys in bars often yell, “Tase me bro!”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

He Made It! So It's Not The Enda Wallenda!

Nik Wallenda, great grandson of the original, “Flying Wallenda”, successfully crossed the Grand Canyon live on the Discovery Channel last night without a security harness. He walked most of the distance, but actually ran the last bit into the arms of his crying wife and amazed kids. 

- You want to see amazed kids, you should have seen mine over the weekend when I misplaced the TV remote and actually WALKED all the way to the TV to change the channel. 

*****

After eleven years, the Food Networks Queen of Southern cooking, Paula Deen, has been fired after she admitted that in the past, she used racial epithets and allowed racially-charged comments in the workplace. 

- Look for her new book, “Cooking with African-American Eyed Peas” coming to a bookstore near you.

*****

NSA Whistleblower Eric Snowden is not as of this writing on his way from Russia to asylum in Equador. 

- The only thing they know for sure is that he’ll be making a brief stop in Cuba…to pick up some cigars. 

*****

Speaking of air travel, a new study finds that Americans rate Airlines lower than the US Post Office in terms of customer satisfaction. 

- If you’d like to hear more on this story in English, press one. To hear it in Spanish, press two.

*****

Some people are complaining that this year’s World’s Ugliest Dog contest was rigged after the title went to a dog that was far from the ugliest.

- Hey, Shitzu happens.

- People knew something was wrong when the “Miss Congeniality” prize went to a Pit Bull. 

*****

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have revealed of their baby girl: North West. 

- I thought for sure they were headed in a different direction. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

P.S. Check out my latest Podcast (#83) by clicking right here! Purtan Podcast #83

Purtan Podcast #83: "Mother Nature Skips Spring...Goes Straight To Summer!"

Welcome to the first weekend of Summer and Podcast #83! In today’s all-new edition, Jackie, my wife Gail & I find all kinds of stuff to talk about - including the latest “dig” for Jimmy Hoffa, who (surprisingly)  they did NOT find! (They did however manage to locate a needle in a haystack). 

Speaking of people in the, uh, “family business”, the three of us weigh in on the untimely death of the great actor James Gandolfini. Anyone who can “whack” people for a living and still make the audience love him is pretty amazing! He was sort of the Lawrence Olivier of Mafia Actors. (Or “Larry Oliver” as he’s known at my house). 

We also discuss the American Medical Association’s declaration that Obesity is a “disease”, and we’ll tell you the real reason Lindsay Lohan moved out of the Betty Ford Treatment Center and checked into a different Rehab in Malibu. 

As we “Spin the Wheel of Topics”…we also land on Cher, a new Chinese product designed to “Repel Perverts”, plus a new Muppet, “Alex”,  for kids who have a parent in Prison. (Everytime I see a picture of Kwame in a fur coat, I mistake him for a Giant Muppet!) 

There’s tons more - so “take a load off” and “click on to” Podcast #83!

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you right back here Monday with my regular Blog! 

Dick

Purtan Podcast #83   (41:07)

"Bada-Boom, Bada-Bye..."

RIP - Actor James Gandolfini, best known for his role as Tony - the mobster with a heart - on the hit HBO series “The Sopranos”, died yesterday from Cardiac Arrest at the age of 51. Gandolfini suffered the coronary while on vacation with his 18 year-old-son in Rome. In addition to his son from his first marriage, he leaves behind his second wife, whom he married in 2008, and an 8-month old baby girl. 

The admittedly overweight Gandolfini, won three Emmy’s for his role as the head of the Soprano “organized crime” family during the shows 6-year-run. And his performance did something unique: It made viewers not only “like” the bad guy, but actully root for him over the Feds. (Of course this was back in the days when people actually thought the Feds were good guys!) 

For six years, millions of Americans tuned into every Sunday night to watch Tony chat with his therapist, have a nice family dinner, then go whack somebody. As a tribute to the man and actor, people called “A cold-hearted murderer with a heart of gold”…I’m posting the heart-stoppingly open-ended final scene of “The Sopranos”. 

RIP Tony…

-Dick

New Podcast tomorrow!

"Spring Is Sprung, The Grass Is Riz...I Wonder Where Jimmy Hoffa Is?"

Today marks the third day of digging in the latest attempt to find the body of Jimmy Hoffa. Former mobster Tony Zerilli told the Feds that the former Teamster boss is buried in a field in Northern Oakland County. 

- It’s kind of like “Where in the World is Matt Lauer”…except for the finding him part. 

PERSONAL NOTE: Years ago, Tom Ryan and I had lunch at the Roma Cafe one day. At the large round table next to us sat a Detroit mobster named “Fat Tony” surrounded by six of his lieutenants. When they finished lunch, the lieutenants stood up and kissed “Fat Tony” on the cheek, and the whole group left. When I recently heard about Tony Zerilli and his tip to the Feds, I assumed he was the one at the Roma. But after some Googling, I realized there were so many “Fat Tonys” in the mob, I have no idea who I had lunch next to!

*****

President Obama’s approval ratings fell eight points in the past month. 

- The White House says it was suprised by the news…making it the only thing that Americans are thinking that the Government doesn’t already know about. 

- Taylor Swift is so upset with his performance she’s releasing a song called “I’m Never, Ever, Ever Voting For You Again”.

*****

A study found that drinking beer everyday reduces the risk of kidney stones by 41%. 

- And if you drink light beer, you’re kidney stones will be much smaller.  

- Smoking Pot however will greatly increase your chances of getting Kidney Stoned.  

*****

The Discovery Channel has a new reality series called “Naked and Afraid,” where male and female strangers are stripped and stranded in a remote area with no food or water. 

- They were going to use this plan on Gilligans Island until they realized that not only would MaryAnn and Ginger be naked, but so would Mr. and Mrs. Howell. 

- The “Remote Location” is actually the TSA invasive pat down room at the airport. 

*****

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West still haven’t released the name of their new baby girl.

- But they plan to release a video of the baby’s first diaper change later this week!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Sesame Street "Sing-Sings" A New Tune...

“Sesame Street” has introduced a new Muppet named Alex who has a parent in prison. 

- The announcement was brought to you by the letters   C-O-N-V-I-C & T. 

- Miss Piggy is already demanding conjugal visits with Kermit. 

- Bert and Ernie said they’re cool with it as long as they get to be cellmates. 

*****

Russian President Vladimir Putin denied a claim by NE Patriots owner Robert Kraft that he stole Kraft’s 2005 Super Bowl ring. Putin says it was “a gift”. 

- Sounds to me like Vlad just likes “Putin on the Glitz”. 

- Hey, they’ve been stealing our military secrets for years…maybe Putin thought it was a secret-decoder ring. 

*****

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un reportedly handed out a special present to guests at his own birthday party back in January…copies of Hitler’s infamous “Mein Kamph”.

- He’s also insists that everyone refer to his wife as Eva Braun Jong. 

- He got copies of Mein Kamph at the “Our-Tanks-Will-Soon-Cross-Over-Your-Borders” bookstore.  

****

Insiders say Un has also been doing things to try to “build his charisma” like “yelling really loudly at people and throwing things at them”.

- Sounds like somebody needs a prescription for Prozac!

- One guy said Un even threw a missile at him…but it turns out that’s the only way they can get one in the air. 

*****

CNN reports that female terrorists are being fitted with exploding breast implants. 

- I’ve seen some dynamite cleavage in my day but c’mon!

- Why spend the money when they can just have the ladies take off their Spanx and blow away an entire city block? 

- Of course the doctors who perform the surgery will be immediately killed for looking at a naked woman. 

*****

A Delaware man has become well-known after he sued his doctor for a penis implant that gave him an 8 month erection.

- He would have sued sooner but he was too embarrassed to stand up in court. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! And don’t forget to check out my latest Podcast (#82) up now on the homepage! 

-Dick

"And The Emmy Goes To..."

A Big Congratulations to my daughter JoAnne Purtan for winning the Television Emmy for “Best TV News Anchor” in Michigan! We’re so proud of you Jo!!!!!

*****

Hope you all had a great Father’s Day! And that includes Kanye “Garantuan Ego” West! His “Baby Mama” Kim Kardashian gave birth to a girl over the weekend! The baby was only 5lbs. and was delivered 5 weeks early. 

- 5 pounds? That means Kim only has to lose about 200 pounds  to get back to her pre-pregnancy weight! 

- Kanye taped the birth, but ticked Kim off when he insisted that “Beyonce had the greatest giving-birth video of all time!”

No word yet on what those two crazy kids will name their little girl, but they told family and friends it will “start with a K”. 

- My money is on “Ka-ching”!

*****

In an interview Chelsea Clinton said it’s time for a woman in the Oval Office. 

- Apparently she was too young to remember all the one’s her dad had there! 

*****

New England Patriot’s owner Robert Kraft said Russian President Vladimir Putin stole his 2005 Super Bowl ring.

- He didn’t even know it was missing until Edward Snowden leaked him the info.

***** 

A new Rasmussen poll found that 57% of Americans are afraid the government will use the massive data collected by the NSA to harrass government critics. 

- The other 43% were afraid to take part in the poll. 

*****

Columbian poet Raffel Medina Brochero is offering to sell his testicles for 20 grand to fund a European poetry-reading tour. 

- His wife will now refer to him as “The Old and Chain”. 

*****

Lindsay Lohan has transferred from the Betty Ford Center

in Palms Springs to a Rehab center in Malibu.

- Apparently Betty Ford only offers Pepsi products, but the place

in Malibu has Coke!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick