TLC is premiering a new reality show called “Best Funeral Ever”.
- People are dying to get a part on the show.
- It’s already spawned several spin-offs including “The Really Dead Housewives of Atlanta” and “Pimp My Casket”.
The annual American Freshman Survey found that more of today’s college students than ever believe they’re above average, even though tests rank them the same or below previous generations.
- Their math skills are so bad they actually think they’re going to make a decent living when they graduate!
- Most of those surveyed thought “Trigonometry” was one of Sarah Palin’s kids.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West preportedly turned down $3 million from a foreign tabloid for the first photo of their as yet unborn baby.
- However, they did accept a cool mil for a tape they made of the baby’s conception.
David Letterman told Oprah that he sees a psychiatrist once a week.
- But in a reversal, he makes the doctor sit on the couch and answer his questions.
- Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien see the same shrink, but they keep fighting over the time slot.
A man from Pontiac was arrested after he returned to eat dinner at the same McDonald’s he allegedly robbed three months ago.
- Why did he do this? Two words: The McRib.
- He would have robbed a Burger King but apparently “Special Orders at Gunpoint” DO upset them.
On this day in 1910 the world’s youngest parents gave birth to a baby. They were Mr. and Mrs. Hsi of China. The mother was 8 and the father was 9.
- And they were still better parents than Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are gonna be.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
After 63 years, Volkswagen is ending production of it’s trademark van.
- Well there go my plans for a “Summer of Love” Purtan-Family reunion trip to San Francisco.
- So now what am I gonna do with all the “peace, love and flower” decals I saved from the ‘60’s?
After a month off for medical reasons, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is back at work today.
- And so is Bill’s “personal secretary”!
Actor Gerard Depardieu was driven out of France by the new 75% tax on millionaires, but was welcomed to his new home - Russia - personally by Vladimir Putin. Russia has a 13% flat tax.
- Which is almost as important in Russia as when Putin displays his 13% Body Fat abs when he takes his shirt off.
Lance Armstrong reportedly may admit to doping so he can get back to the sport he loves.
- Luckily, he hasn’t forgotten how to do it…it’s just like riding a bike.
NFL Star Chad Johnson is suing two websites for posting clips of his sex tape with out his consent.
- To be honest, most men don’t like the word “Johnson” and “Clip” used in the same sentence.
- I guess he’s afraid if people see the clips, interest in buying the sex video will Peter out.
“The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” in 3D was number one at the box office this weekend. Exit polls showed one in three moviegoers went to see it just because it featured rapper Trey Songz.
- Imagine how many people would have seen it if somebody they’d actually heard of had been in it!
On this day in 1714 the typewriter was patented by Englishman Henry mill, but wasn’t built until years later.
- I guess the patent was handwritten.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
They say behind every great man is a great woman… Well in my latest Podcast you get a chance to meet the woman whose been behind me all these years! Yes…my microphone-shy wife Gail, agreed to sit-in for my daughter Jackie who has a cold, and join me as my special guest.
We not only reveal how, after a houseful of kids and grandkids Christmas Eve, we spent Christmas Day (Nothing says” Ho Ho Ho” like dinner at a place with plastic menus), we also share our different opinions on movies we went to see over the holidays. (They don’t call it ‘Les Miserable’ for nothin’).
Plus…we cover the latest from Hollywood… from Kim Kardashian’s announcement that she’s pregnant with Kanye West’s baby (I thought she was already showing until Gail pointed out that I was looking at her from behind) to Kevin Federline’s brother’s claim that HE is the real father of Britnany Spears oldest kid. (Either way, I think that boy got his DNA from the shallow end of the gene pool).
And speaking of kids… North Korea’s Kim Jung Un’s very pretty wife is expecting! (Apparently he’s got at least one missile that actually works).
We also talk about 86-year-old Hugh Hefner’s New Year’s Eve marriage to 26-year-old “Crystal” (The “something old and something blue” things the bride carried turned out to be her husband), the new trend in movie theaters - “Tweet Seats”, and how Hillary Clinton’s release from the hospital caused Bill to cancel some of his dates, uh…I mean plans.
And if all that isn’t exciting enough, I’ll tell you about a new website I found that may have you thinking twice before you hire someone to do your weed-whacking, and I’ll share a bizarre story about an ancient exercise bike, a junkyard and yours truly.
So grab your better half and take a few minutes to listen to me and mine in Podcast #68!
Have a great weekend!
-Dick
Things are getting ugly on Captitol Hill… After Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid accused Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner of running a “dictatorship”, Boehner fired back. He told Reid to “Go F—- Yourself” not once, but twice.
- They’re like the cast of “Jersey Shore” without the suntans.
*****
Doctors say they expect Hillary Clinton to recover completely after being treated for a blood clot in her head.
- Upon hearing the good news, Bill Clinton cancelled his date and took Hillary out for dinner to celebrate.
*****
Two major weight loss programs, Jenny Craig and Medi-Fast, say they won’t be signing Kim Kardashian up as a post-pregnancy weight loss spokeswoman after she gives birth to Kanye West’s baby. They say they’re going after “real woman” and Kim is just “not real enough”.
- A spokesperson for Jenny Craig said the company could however “help her drop two “butt sizes” in just three weeks!”
*****
The new trend in movie theaters is “tweet seats” - a special section of the theater for people who like to use social media during the show.
- That way you can set up dates on eHarmony.com while the bozo your currently dating is watching the film.
- Remember the good old days when people just annoyed you by talking during the movie?
*****
Experts say that “Post-Holiday Depression” affects about 8 million Americans.
- Luckily, we have Ground Hog’s Day to look forward to!
*****
On this date in 1847 the California town of Yerba Buena was renamed San Francisco.
- The move was made after dissapointing sales of “Rice-a-Roni…The Yerba Buena Treat!”
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with the first Podcast of 2013!
-Dick
January 2nd… I hope your Holidays were Safe, Happy and Healthy and that 2013 is a good year for one and all! And now, it’s time to dip our (frozen) toes back into the news of the day…
According to a study, the profession most likely to contract and spread a flu virus is postal workers.
- They’re making a movie about it called “The Postman Always Sneezes Twice”.
- If you catch a cold from a FedEx delivery man, it goes away overnight.
*****
On New Year’s Eve, Kim Kardashian announced that she and Kanye West are expecting a baby.
- Suddenly I’m wishing the Mayans had been right about that whole “End of the World” stuff.
- Kanye said he’s excited, but added that “Beyonce had the greatest birth video of all time.”
*****
Hugh Hefner donned a tux to marry Playmate Crystal Harris at the Playboy Mansion on New Year’s Eve. There is a 60 year age difference between the two.
- Because Hugh was exhausted, they began their honeymoon early, and Hugh dropped before the ball did.
- Instead of rice, guests pelted the happy couple with Viagra.
*****
According to HeathDay “pubic hair grooming” injuries have increased fivefold over the last ten years.
- Hopefully this news will prompt people to restrict use of their weed-whacker to edging the front lawn.
*****
On this day in 1890, Alice Sanger became the first female White House Staffer.
- Later that day, President Benjamin Harrison called her and asked her to bring a pizza to the Oval Office.
*****
Have a great 2nd day of the New Year and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
The last day of the year! I hope it was a good one… and that 2013 is even better!
Have a Happy and Safe holiday, and I’ll see you right back here next year!
-Dick
“When it snows, ain’t it thrilling,
Though your nose gets a chilling…
We’ll frolic and play, the Eskimo way,
Walking in a Winter Wonderland!”
“There’s a happy feeling nothing in the world can buy, when they pass around the coffee and the pumpkin pie…
It’ll nearly be like a picture print by Currier & Ives…These wonderful things are the things we remember all through our lives…”
Let It Snow!
Let It Snow!
Let It Snow!