On this day in 1910 the world’s youngest parents gave birth to a baby. They were Mr. and Mrs. Hsi of China. The mother was 8 and the father was 9.
- And they were still better parents than Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are gonna be.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
After 63 years, Volkswagen is ending production of it’s trademark van.
- Well there go my plans for a “Summer of Love” Purtan-Family reunion trip to San Francisco.
- So now what am I gonna do with all the “peace, love and flower” decals I saved from the ‘60’s?
After a month off for medical reasons, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is back at work today.
- And so is Bill’s “personal secretary”!
Actor Gerard Depardieu was driven out of France by the new 75% tax on millionaires, but was welcomed to his new home - Russia - personally by Vladimir Putin. Russia has a 13% flat tax.
- Which is almost as important in Russia as when Putin displays his 13% Body Fat abs when he takes his shirt off.
Lance Armstrong reportedly may admit to doping so he can get back to the sport he loves.
- Luckily, he hasn’t forgotten how to do it…it’s just like riding a bike.
NFL Star Chad Johnson is suing two websites for posting clips of his sex tape with out his consent.
- To be honest, most men don’t like the word “Johnson” and “Clip” used in the same sentence.
- I guess he’s afraid if people see the clips, interest in buying the sex video will Peter out.
“The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” in 3D was number one at the box office this weekend. Exit polls showed one in three moviegoers went to see it just because it featured rapper Trey Songz.
- Imagine how many people would have seen it if somebody they’d actually heard of had been in it!
On this day in 1714 the typewriter was patented by Englishman Henry mill, but wasn’t built until years later.
- I guess the patent was handwritten.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
They say behind every great man is a great woman… Well in my latest Podcast you get a chance to meet the woman whose been behind me all these years! Yes…my microphone-shy wife Gail, agreed to sit-in for my daughter Jackie who has a cold, and join me as my special guest.
We not only reveal how, after a houseful of kids and grandkids Christmas Eve, we spent Christmas Day (Nothing says” Ho Ho Ho” like dinner at a place with plastic menus), we also share our different opinions on movies we went to see over the holidays. (They don’t call it ‘Les Miserable’ for nothin’).
Plus…we cover the latest from Hollywood… from Kim Kardashian’s announcement that she’s pregnant with Kanye West’s baby (I thought she was already showing until Gail pointed out that I was looking at her from behind) to Kevin Federline’s brother’s claim that HE is the real father of Britnany Spears oldest kid. (Either way, I think that boy got his DNA from the shallow end of the gene pool).
And speaking of kids… North Korea’s Kim Jung Un’s very pretty wife is expecting! (Apparently he’s got at least one missile that actually works).
We also talk about 86-year-old Hugh Hefner’s New Year’s Eve marriage to 26-year-old “Crystal” (The “something old and something blue” things the bride carried turned out to be her husband), the new trend in movie theaters - “Tweet Seats”, and how Hillary Clinton’s release from the hospital caused Bill to cancel some of his dates, uh…I mean plans.
And if all that isn’t exciting enough, I’ll tell you about a new website I found that may have you thinking twice before you hire someone to do your weed-whacking, and I’ll share a bizarre story about an ancient exercise bike, a junkyard and yours truly.
So grab your better half and take a few minutes to listen to me and mine in Podcast #68!
Have a great weekend!
-Dick
Things are getting ugly on Captitol Hill… After Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid accused Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner of running a “dictatorship”, Boehner fired back. He told Reid to “Go F—- Yourself” not once, but twice.
- They’re like the cast of “Jersey Shore” without the suntans.
*****
Doctors say they expect Hillary Clinton to recover completely after being treated for a blood clot in her head.
- Upon hearing the good news, Bill Clinton cancelled his date and took Hillary out for dinner to celebrate.
*****
Two major weight loss programs, Jenny Craig and Medi-Fast, say they won’t be signing Kim Kardashian up as a post-pregnancy weight loss spokeswoman after she gives birth to Kanye West’s baby. They say they’re going after “real woman” and Kim is just “not real enough”.
- A spokesperson for Jenny Craig said the company could however “help her drop two “butt sizes” in just three weeks!”
*****
The new trend in movie theaters is “tweet seats” - a special section of the theater for people who like to use social media during the show.
- That way you can set up dates on eHarmony.com while the bozo your currently dating is watching the film.
- Remember the good old days when people just annoyed you by talking during the movie?
*****
Experts say that “Post-Holiday Depression” affects about 8 million Americans.
- Luckily, we have Ground Hog’s Day to look forward to!
*****
On this date in 1847 the California town of Yerba Buena was renamed San Francisco.
- The move was made after dissapointing sales of “Rice-a-Roni…The Yerba Buena Treat!”
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with the first Podcast of 2013!
-Dick
January 2nd… I hope your Holidays were Safe, Happy and Healthy and that 2013 is a good year for one and all! And now, it’s time to dip our (frozen) toes back into the news of the day…
According to a study, the profession most likely to contract and spread a flu virus is postal workers.
- They’re making a movie about it called “The Postman Always Sneezes Twice”.
- If you catch a cold from a FedEx delivery man, it goes away overnight.
*****
On New Year’s Eve, Kim Kardashian announced that she and Kanye West are expecting a baby.
- Suddenly I’m wishing the Mayans had been right about that whole “End of the World” stuff.
- Kanye said he’s excited, but added that “Beyonce had the greatest birth video of all time.”
*****
Hugh Hefner donned a tux to marry Playmate Crystal Harris at the Playboy Mansion on New Year’s Eve. There is a 60 year age difference between the two.
- Because Hugh was exhausted, they began their honeymoon early, and Hugh dropped before the ball did.
- Instead of rice, guests pelted the happy couple with Viagra.
*****
According to HeathDay “pubic hair grooming” injuries have increased fivefold over the last ten years.
- Hopefully this news will prompt people to restrict use of their weed-whacker to edging the front lawn.
*****
On this day in 1890, Alice Sanger became the first female White House Staffer.
- Later that day, President Benjamin Harrison called her and asked her to bring a pizza to the Oval Office.
*****
Have a great 2nd day of the New Year and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
The last day of the year! I hope it was a good one… and that 2013 is even better!
Have a Happy and Safe holiday, and I’ll see you right back here next year!
-Dick
“When it snows, ain’t it thrilling,
Though your nose gets a chilling…
We’ll frolic and play, the Eskimo way,
Walking in a Winter Wonderland!”
“There’s a happy feeling nothing in the world can buy, when they pass around the coffee and the pumpkin pie…
It’ll nearly be like a picture print by Currier & Ives…These wonderful things are the things we remember all through our lives…”
Let It Snow!
Let It Snow!
Let It Snow!
“And so this is Christmas…We hope you have fun…”
-Dick
“…They know that Santa’s on his way…He’s loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh…” From the entire Purtan Family to Yours, We Wish You A Very Merry Christmas!!!
-Dick
Woke up this morning and was SHOCKED to find out that the world hasn’t ended! Of course it’s still fairly early in the day, and as far as I know, the Mayans didn’t give an exact time that the world would end today. So, since we’re not gone yet, I thought I might as well go ahead and put up a Podcast.
I’d like to mention, that this Podcast (#67) was intended for last Friday, but due to the tragedy in Connecticut, it just didn’t feel right.
That being said, Jackie and I, along with former “Purtan’s Person” and frequent & popular Podcast guest Tom DeLisle, talk about everything from Kwame Kilpatrick to Christmas Music (and no…I don’t think his ex-honor, his Dad Bernard, and Bobby Ferguson are “Three Wise Men” by any stretch!).
I also tell the story of how my wife Gail, and I, put up every cent we had to bring the Beatles to Cincinnati on their first US Tour in 1964. (Just wait til you find out how much it cost for a ticket to the show!) And we’ll tell you which Beatle actually stopped a concert to beg the girls in the audience to stop throwing a certain something at the band. (Nope…it wasn’t their panties!)
And speaking of music, we discuss why feminist writer Camille Paglia believes Taylor Swift, Katy Perry and Rhianna are “ruining” things for women by sending us “back to the 1950’s”.
We also manage to reminisce about “The Whoa Boys” - one of the most popular character bits on my show (which Tom wrote) & we’ll update you on a newly discovered Dinosaur that lived 15 million years prior to any others found before. (For you non-scientific types, that means it was Larry King’s first childhood pet).
Plus…I’ll offer up a great last-minute clothing gift idea for that special someone that offers “The Crouch Without The Ouch”.
So quit staring up at the sky waiting for the Apocalypse and tune in to Podcast #67 Now!
Have a great weekend (if there is one)…
-Dick
Podcast #67 (34:22)
So here is it… the day before the end of the world. Which actually times out perfectly if your office Christmas party happens to be tonight. That way, you can have a few cocktails, Xerox your butt on the copy machine and let your boss know what you really think of him or her without fear of being fired.
Unless, of course, the Mayans were wrong. But hey…what are the chances of that?
The thought of office holiday parties reminded me of what has become one of the most requested Put-On calls I did (The real kind…when they were legal, and not scripted with actors!) It was to a woman named Lisa Rossi who was in charge of ordering the deli trays for the office party from the local Farmer Jack Supermarket.
So before the world ends, why not take a few minutes to sit back and listen to a woman who thought it was the end of the world when her order didn’t go exactly as planned…
Have a great day and I hope to be back here tomorrow…depending on how things go!
-Dick
Before we get started with today’s blog, Jackie asked if she could say a few words…
I can’t thank you enough for all of the kind words and “Likes” I received about the piece we posted yesterday. It was originally intended just for me - and someday for Charlie. I have always found it cathartic to put my feelings down on paper - it helps me make sense of things - even things I know I’ll never be able to understand.
Your comments about your own children, grandchildren and the children of Sandy Hook touched my heart.
I hope that the thoughts and prayers that all of us, together, are sending to those devasated families in Connecticut will help ease there unimaginable sorrow - if just a bit.
Thank you again and may you and your loved ones enjoy a safe, healthy and Merry Christmas…
-Jackie
*****
And now for a look at the lighter side of things…
According to e-mails and texts, Kwame’s only bank account is overdrawn by $236 and he’s $1.8 million in debt. That includes almost $900,000 in restitution and $650,000 in attorney fees.
- In light of his financial woes, I’m returning the size XXXXXXX reindeer sweater I got him, and will just send him 20 bucks instead.
*****
A woman in Australia has been awarded an undisclosed amount of money in a workman’s comp case after suffering an injury while having sex on a business trip.
- Apparently she works for NIKE and was following the companies policy of “Just Do It”.
*****
Fans of McDonald’s legendary “McRib” sandwich are getting an early Christmas gift: The McRib is available nationwide starting today.
- But just like a fifth of Vodka at Lindsay Lohan’s house…it’s available for a limited time only.
*****
Several WalMarts are opening at midnight this Friday, the 21st, the day the Mayan calendar predicted “The End Of The World”.
- Experts predict they’ll be sold out of stretch pants by 12:03…Apparently women want to be comfortable in the afterlife.
*****
A city councilor in Montreal is proposing a law that would require all dogs to understand commands in both English and French.
- My old dog “Mr. Muckle” was bi-lingual: he had the whole “Oui-Oui” thing down pat.
- One guy tried to teach his dog using “Rosetta Stone” but the dog peed on it.
*****
On this day in 1972 Helen Reddy received a gold record for “I Am Woman” the song that became an anthem for the women’s liberation movement.
- It replaced the old women’s lib anthem “Stand By Your Man” which just wasn’t getting people fired up.