A new survey revealed that 33% of Americans say they would buy a mortgage from WalMart…
- …Along with socks and a pair of stretch pants.
According to researchers, one out of three middle-schoolers use Smartphones to do their homework, and a Nebraska teenager robbed a bank and then bragged about it on her facebook page.
- Quick…Somebody get this girl a “Smartphone”!
On this day in 1967 the Beatles clothing store, Apple, opened in London.
- They should have sold computer and phones, that way they could have been rich!
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
The AARP is getting into the online dating business for people 50+. They’re partnering with HowAboutUs.com to give the older crowd a chance to meet that special someone.
- So now seniors can spend a romantic evening filling out their Medicare forms while sharing a chilled bottle of Ensure.
- The only problem is, all the over 50 men want younger women and are signing up for e-I’llBuyYouLotsOfJewelry.com.
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There are 17 days left until December 21st, which is the date the Mayan’s predicted would be “The End Of The World”.
- So I’m holding off on all my Christmas shopping just in case!
- My wedding anniversary happens to be on December 21st, and if I don’t remember to get my wife a card it will be the end of my world.
- Art Van and Gardner-White are already planning huge “End Of The World” Sales…but for some reason they’re demanding you pay the full amount upfront.
*****
Yahoo revealed that the most-searched-for person on the Internet in 2012 was Kim Kardashian.
- So the Mayans got it wrong. The day this news broke is the day the world officially ended.
- In a related story, the least-searched-for person on the Internet this year was Lindsay Lohan’s lifecoach.
*****
Pope Benedict XVI, is on Twitter.
- His first tweet was “OMG…I’m on twitter!”
- He may be old, but he’s got a lot of tricks up his sleeve…and even more in his hat.
- The Pope is also on Facebook and recently added “The Vatican City Red Lobster on Fridays, Pottery Stable, and Just for Pontiffs” to his “Likes” section.
- Luckily he doesn’t have to worry about his wife getting mad if he gets tweeted by women.
*****
It was announced Monday that Prince William and his wife Kate Middleton are having a baby.
- They’ve already registered at “Sceptors R Us”!
- Kate’s morning sickness is said to be so severe she’s spending more time in the throne room than Queen Elizabeth!
- Prince Harry was so excited he already ordered the baby a onesie with a swastika on it.
*****
TMZ reported that Lindsay Lohan drinks two liters of vodka a day.
- Let’s all congratulate her for cutting back from her usual 3 liters a day!
*****
On this day in 2006 a rare adult giant squid was caught on video near the Ogasawars Islands south of Tokyo.
- The story got a lot of ink.
***
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
Great news! It looks like Monica Conyers maybe released from prison as early as December 10th! She’s been in the low-security West Virginia federal prison since September of 2010, but may be allowed to serve out the rest of her term in a half-way house.
- Her lawyer had her jaw wired shut so she couldn’t call any of the parole board members “Shrek”.
- A “Half-Way House” is where Monica will learn to ask for only “half” the bribe money she usually does.
Kwame’s former Sexting Partner Christine Beatty has filed for bankruptcy in Georgia, but promises to continue paying off the $100,000 in restitution she owes Detroit for lying under oath in the whistle-blower trial.
- In a gentlemanly gesture, Kwame has offered to loan Christine $6 a month to pay off her bill.
Hugh Hefner is re-engaged to Crystal Harris, the 26-year-old Playmate who left him at the altar once before.
- This never would have happened if Hef had any memory of ever having been dumped by her the first time.
- She’s registered at “Victoria Secret” and he’s registered at “Bed, Bath & The Great Beyond”.
For the third year in a row, AT&T has been named the worst cell phone carrier.
- The company had no comment…but that’s because when the guy who did the survey called, the connection dropped five times.
- Hey…at least they’re consistant!
Some cash-strapped churches are renting out their steeples as cell phone towers.
- Kids are now playing the hand game: “Look at the Church! Look at the Steeple! Open the doors, and see all the… Cell Phones!”
- The Churches are now known as iGod charging stations.
Studies show that erectile dysfunction drugs can cause amnesia.
- It’s true…men in the study said they no recollection whatsoever of that entire two minute period.
- Sounds like an explanation-in-the-making for guys who cheat on their spouses.
- The wives of the men in the survey said they don’t need a pill to realize the romantic romp with their husbands was “non-memorable”.
Denny’s opened a restaurant in Las Vegas that has a wedding chapel.
- It’s great for gay couples who want to have a “Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity Ceremony”.
- So now you’re guaranteed at least one “Grand Slam” on your wedding night!
On this day in 1621 Galileo invented the telescope.
- And the following day the woman who lived next door put up window blinds for the first time.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
So here we are smack dab in the middle of that magical time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. What better time to take a few minutes to spend with a couple of fruitcakes (Me and Jackie) and our special guest, Dale Johnson. Before Dale became the producer-extradordianare of my 16-Hour Radiothon for the Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club, he spent a few years as a “Mall Santa”. Today he shares a few of his favorite stories that include everything from a wet knee to the time his Santa-pants ended up around his ankles.
There’s also talk of the Pope’s new book that debunks some time-honored Christmas traditions…and we ponder what seems to be a new tradition: Everything on kids wish lists seems to be made by Apple! From a guy who used to wait anxiously for Lincoln Logs, that makes me kind of iMad!
Plus…we’ve got important information if you’re flying this holiday season (on a plane, not a sleigh). Turns out the TSA agents will be scanning a lot more than just you… (Hint: It gives a whole new meaning to “Pie in the Sky”).
Speaking of “invasive pat downs”… we’ll tell you about a new study out of Britain that determines whether or not there’s any such thing as “the perfect woman” and we’ll relay the sad story of a parrot who was killed by his owner’s boyfriend! Boy, you gotta wonder what the bird said to this guy!
So take a break from swearing at that strand of lights that just went out leaving a big blank spot on your tree and listen into some Holiday cheer (and a few jeers!) in Podcast #65.
Have a great weekend!
- Dick
Purtan Podcast #65: “It’s Beginning to Sound A Lot Like Christmas!” (34:38)
Obama and Romney are having lunch together today.
- Romney wouldn’t tell Obama exactly what he wanted for lunch, saying he’ll wait until he gets to the White House.
- Obama is charging Romney for lunch because he’s in the “Top 1%”.
*****
There were two winners in the $500-plus Million Powerball Lottery drawing. One person in Arizona and one in Missouri will split the big pot.
- NEWSFLASH: I didn’t win.
*****
The NFL fined Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh 30 grand for kicking Houston Texans quarterback Matt Schaub in the groin.
- Schaub called it a “great settlement package”.
- Suh also got a speeding ticket this week…but wisely decided against kicking the cop in the groin.
*****
Richard Williamson, the Apple executive who oversaw development of their screwed up “map software” has been fired.
- They had a hell of a time finding him to give him his pink slip.
*****
A new study finds that female porn stars have highter self-esteem than other women.
- And much bigger breasts.
- The study also found that the female porn stars had low IQ’s but high STD’s.
*****
From the “Strange Story Department”… Allegedly Genetic testing has confirmed that the legendary Bigfoot is a human relative.
- No kidding! He used to be married to my sister!
- They were lucky enough to get a genetic sample off a pair of size 57 snow boots he tried on at Target.
*****
During the Soul Train Awards Jamie Foxx gave thanks to the “Lord and Savior” Barack Obama.
- To show his thanks, after the show, Obama took Foxx out for a last, I mean, late supper.
- Now I understand the meaning of the term “Crazy Like a Foxx”.
*****
According to Consumer Reports, about one-fifth of the U.S. pork they tested contained a growth hormone.
- An industry spokesman says they just use the drug to help pigs who have torn hamstrings.
- Looks like the “Little Piggy who went to market” was picking up more than slop!
*****
On the Today Show, Willie Nelson told Matt Lauer he hasn’t seen any harmful effects of smoking marijuana.
- He then thanked Katie Couric for taking the time to interview him.
*****
On this day in 1922 two archeologists discovered the tomb of King Tut.
- It wasn’t until years later that Steve Martin revealed that Tut had been born in Arizona and moved to Babalonia.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here with an all new Podcast Friday!
- Dick
The Powerball lottery jackpot may top a record $500 million because so many people are buying tickets, figuring the more they buy, the greater their chances of winning.
- With the new incoming taxes headed our way, the winner will get a lump sump payout of 27 bucks.
China’s state newspaper republished an article from “The Onion” declaring Kim Jong-Un, leader of North Korea, the “Sexiest Man Alive”. They were embarrassed when they found out “The Onion” is, of course, a satirical paper.
- It’s apparent he got his good looks from his dad, Kim Jong-Ill.
- Call me crazy, but I think most women find Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad the sexiest man alive!
Next year a Chinese company plans to build the world’s tallest skyscraper in just 90 days.
- It will be done so fast because instead of union workers, they’re going to hire 12 year old gymnasts to leap up and finish the higher floors.
- And an hour after this one is finished, they’re gonna want to build another one!
- The skyscraper will actually consist of two buildings: Column A and Column B.
- The lobby will have a giant fountain filled with “Chef’s Special Sauce!”
Playboy is celebrating 50 years of “The Playboy Interview”.
- And in that 50 years, not one man has ever read one of them.
A Belgian man is divorcing his wife of 19 years after discovering that she used to be a man.
- Apparently in Belgium they always have their “romantic romps” with the lights OFF.
- This explains why his wife was able to open beer cans with her teeth and always left the toilet seat up.
TMZ.com denied a report that they were planning on buying a drone aircraft to spy on celebs like Lindsay Lohan and Ashton Kutcher.
- You don’t need a drone to find Lindsay Lohan! Just look for the flashing police lights!
- If they’re going to use a drone to spy on a celeb my vote goes to Kate Middleton.